i feel suicidal way too often

i feel suicidal way too often
by jen kiley

the feeling is coming on again. i can feel the emotions start washing into my body. my mind starts developing thoughts of what comes next. how do i fight feeling so depressed when moments ago i was commenting on how impressed i was that someone was able to speak out loud their feelings of fear. last night i wrote 2 emails to my therapist. the second one was so bizarre. i felt the spirit of a friend who just recently died unexpectedly. she was young. there was a sign. she loved butterflies. i received a notice last night in my email from someone’s blog i subscribe to who had the most beautiful photograph of blue butterflies and next to it was another photograph with a quote that felt so much like what my friend would feel like. it said: “pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” i was pulled down into such a deep depression after that. i missed my friend so much yet i felt like she were right beside me.

i wrote in the letter to my therapist: “…I am so angry I never got to tell her my secret that i was a manic depressive. that i had been diagnosed many years back but only found out from my new therapist a few weeks ago about the bipolar disorder. i wanted to share this with her but told her i want to talk to my doc c. first. she became upset and asked me if my cancer had returned. i reassured her it had not. that i never will be able to share with her all the things we talked about and how open we would be with each other. i trusted her so much. i need her now. i want her back. it wasn’t time for her to go. it makes absolutely no sense. why did she have to die? it just isn’t right. haunt me a. i am here for you. you are not alone. i’m so angry we never had that conversation. i wanted her to know. i wanted to be there for her. i wanted her to be there for me like we have been for a very long time. i always worried about her. i always felt so good inside whenever i would see her. we shared much emotional intimacy together. we got very close and knew a great deal about each other. she had that way that made me feel so close to her. so open. we were that way together.

we were connected in spirit. and now her spirit is trying to communicate with me telling me she is feeling good and she is alright and she isn’t going too far away. that i will see her again. someday. when i’m not so clear about. i can not believe i will not speak to her again or see her face look up at me. and our favorite goodbye: “i’ll talk to you later.” and she was so good about my texting her. she always had a hard time doing it at her end but she let me text her as often as i wanted to. i usually did many at a time so i could get the whole message across.

a. was the first person i told about my therapist not being there for me any longer that she was leaving suddenly. i did it in a really long texting session. she felt so bad for me and kept reassuring me and asking me if i was alright and how was i doing. she knew i was in so much pain. she understood that pain. my therapist is a great lose for me and still is. and now a.is joining in on my feelings of loss.

i really don’t understand why i am not completely and utterly mad. why haven’t i completely lost it. i think my partner thinks i have. i escape into my writing and my books and my mcp, a good companion and protector, and i have you my new therapist to help me in therapy, to hear me and make me laugh and enjoy that i enjoy “castle” and stana katic so much. she’s my present day j. a. i always told my former therapist that Stana Katic as Beckett was a lot like her and Stana herself is a lot like her also. They both have a gentle nature and care about those around them very deeply.

No one cared about me the way that she did before I met her. how do i let go of that when i never had it before her. and i never had a friend like a. before. why are they both being taken out of my life. and so close together. and c. my doc, is in pain. her husband died 4 days after a. i can’t bear to think she is feeling any of the kind of pain that i am feeling and have felt before now. i want to take it away or at least help her.

i am so f@cked up. when i was numb i was like a zombie but now i am such an emotional mess. one minute i’m depressed and without warning i am flying high into an euphoric mania driving my partner crazy when i am the one who should be crazy. well, actually i am…crazy that is. no hospitals. i just want some damn medication that works that doesn’t make me feel stupid and doesn’t take away the creativity and doesn’t make me gain weight or f@ck with my blood sugar.

i feel like i am drunk or numb but haven’t touched a thing. it’s becoming difficult to type. this is all $h@t.” this is what i wrote last night. i find after writing some of the depression gets lifted but not always. when i am manic i tend to write even more frantically. my emotional levels are compounded by having a psychiatrist who doesn’t understand what is wrong with me and if you check out a previous post she is in more denial than i am in. feeling a bit better then when i started writing. need to listen to some music that will bring on memories of those who are gone now.

i find it “who knows what manic depression is and what suicide is. It lives with me as a constant companion almost comforting at times. That is coming from my own thoughts. I’ve lived with feelings of suicide so often.” how i control my self from making any more attempts at killing myself when there is such a strong urge to do so. i’ve made so many promises to my self and to my close support circle that i will not do it and my mpc needs me plus my other animals and my partner, i thinks she wants me around even though at times she can be so damn grumpy, it’s her deadlines, they are driving her crazy and so is my mania. ~jen~

goodbye my friend – james blunt

somewhere over the rainbow – israel “IZ”

goodbye my friend. river phoenix died at 23 just as suddenly and unexpectedly. too many in my life seem to leave that way. when i listen to this song i feel the emotions that come with feeling love and missing the ones i love. my “almost lover” died on june 3rd. i will remember her always and forever.

almost lovers – a fine frenzy

wildfire – michael murphy (her/our favorite song)

ghost – righteous brothers – unchained melody

i have never forgot what they did to you
your story will be told – i’m working one it

celine dion – i love you, goodbye

river phoenix – i still cry

james dean – forever young

westlife – soledad

missing you so much the pain fills my body whenever i take a breath

metallica – nothing else matters

westlife with diana ross – when you tell me that you love me

westlife – i have a dream

garrett hedlund – timing is everything

garrett hedlund – give in to me

sara ramerez – the story (grey’s anatomy)

barbra streisand – as if we never said goodby

tom waits – all the world is green

bruno mars – just the way you are

lady antebellum – need you now

su cliente loca – for d.

nicole kidman – one day i’ll fly away (moulin rouge)

ewan mcgregor – your song

ewan mcgregor and nicole kidman
i will love you til my dying day come what may

nicole kidman and ewan mcgregor – come what may finale
moulin rouge

keith urban – only you could love me this way

keith urban – tonight i want to cry

lady antebellum – can’t take my eyes off you

this makes me feel pain deep inside for m.
i just want her to hold me and never let go

procol harum – whiter shade of pale

for a.t. – i will always remember you
this is in memory of you

barbra streisand – unusual way

to m. simple love but in love

loreena mckennitt – skellig


butterflies in mania

Timing Is Everything

Timing Is Everything

That’s how I met her. She sat there across the room. The first time I saw her I knew she was someone special. I haunt her or she haunts me. She’s inside my mind. We were meant to be together in some way. So why has she gone away? When my mind needs her the most she has flown away out of my reach. I worked on my manuscript tonight. The pages were filled with memories of times spent with her. If she could only know what her absence is making me feel. I cannot believe she would want me to be tortured so. I listen to this song “Timing Is Everything” and all I feel is her arms around me holding me. Her eyes looking into mine and mine looking deeper into hers. I miss her so much and I will love her – always and forever. ~jen~ “come back to me”
“Cause you can be hurt by love. Or healed by the same. Timing is everything.”

Garrett Hedlund – Timing Is Everything

Garrett Hedlund (country strong – lyrics)
Timing Is Everything

When the stars line up
And you catch a good break
People think you’re lucky
But you know its grace

It can happen so fast
Or a little bit late
Timing is everything

You know I’ve had close calls
When it could’ve been me
I was young when I learned just how fragile life can be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn’t my time
Timing is everything

And I could’ve been a child that God took home,
And I would’ve been one more unfinished song
And when it seems a rhyme is hard to find
That’s when one comes along
Just in time

Well I remember that day
When our eyes first met
You ran into the building to get out of the rain
Cause you were soakin wet
And as I held the door
You wanted to know my name
Timing is everything

And I could’ve been another minute late
And you’d never would’ve crossed my path that day
And when it seems true love is hard to find
That’s when love comes along
Just in time

You can call it fate
Or destiny
Sometimes it really seems like it’s a mystery

Cause you can be hurt by love
Or healed by the same
Timing is everything

It can happen so fast
Or a little bit late
Timing is everything

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself

"a reminder of what once was and now is just a fantasy"

Love has no other desire but to fulfill  itself

by jen kiley “the secret keeper”

This is an excerpt from a manuscript that I started writing while I was seeing M. who I felt was the best psychotherapist I ever worked with. She is my inspiration and muse. The stages that it is in now are more like a patchwork quilt of writings from notebooks and poems and letters and emails and role playing screenplays that I have written and continue to write everyday. I choose this blog site as a place where I can be open and honest with my thoughts and feelings and be the real person that I am in all the multiple facets of my psyche. I am hoping I will be able to post open and honest writings that help me develop and release what has and is happening in my life. Truth is what I am seeking and the revealing of secrets and recalling of memories are only some of what I want to express here on this blog. Hopefully, it will not all be serious. My new therapist wants me to laugh more and encourages me to watch shows and films that do just that, make me laugh. Modern Family and The Big Bang Theory are the best shows at creating that overwhelming feeling in me to feel hysterically silly and to laugh so hard I can barely catch my breath. I leave you to read what I am sharing. Be kind. I am new to this kind of truthful exposure.

9.20.10 – 2:15 am – monday

Reality…love…animals first…people…therapist before other people but S.O… my bird… my main kitties…fur…petting…loving…trusting…wanting love…wanting attention… petting…my bird sharing my meals…nothing better than that…sharing my juice… climbing all over me…getting up on my hand…sitting and resting on my shoulders or stomach for hours…nothing like it…sleeping with me while I write or work on the computer…hanging out together…my little buddy…my bird…my beautiful multi-colored protector…the most wonderful creature in the whole world…I feel that way about her …and I feel special ways about my special kitties too…snuggling with them…sleeping with them at night or when they sleep in my lap or draped over my arms in my chair …I love the feeling…I live for the moments…I live for those moments when M. smiles at me and tells me I am a good person and that I did good… when we looked into each others eyes when she was trying to get me to reach the child inside me…we both tried to get me there but it is a long distance inside to that place…

<3 Love <3

Love has no other desire but to fulfill  itself
But if  your love and must needs have desires,
Let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook
That sings  its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
And give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer
For the beloved in your heart
And a song of praise upon your lips.
~ by Kahlil Gibran ~

Mozart – Lacrimosa

the 9th – the day I found out that M. was leaving, no longer to be my therapist. I found out later during our last session we would not be able to have any contact at all with each other for two years.

I dedicate the first post on “all is one” to M. She taught me that we are all connected no matter where we are in our lives. She is gone now – left abruptly from my life. It has caused me a great deal of pain and continues to do so.  I love this woman more than can ever be expressed in words. Even Kahlil Gibran only comes slightly close to how I feel. We did some intense work together unearthing some of the memories of the abuse from my childhood and we tried to confront the issues that I am going through today. I am now seeing a new therapist that M. chose for me. She is quite good but I miss M. terribly and my psychological issues are only compounded by the loss of her in my life and in our therapeutic relationship. I stay connected to her through my writing. She continues to be my inspiration and my muse and I write to her in my notebooks for my manuscript everyday and every night. She is there with me in those moments. It was because of her that I returned to my writing and she also brought me back to my roots in meditation. When she left I pulled back from meditating and certain music because it strongly reminded me of her and the level of pain and depression and suicidal thoughts I had were too difficult to experience in all of their intensity. She abandoned me. I miss her hugs; her voice; the way her eyes looked into mine; her gentleness; her understanding; her peacefulness and calmness and most of all her love. She is connected to my soul. I will love her always and forever.

This is just the beginning of writing here. If someone passes through and should happen to read any of what I have written I will tell you that there will be more and the depth I intend to fathom shall hopefully be expressive, thoughtful and revealing in honesty.