the feeling is coming on again. i can feel the emotions start washing into my body. my mind starts developing thoughts of what comes next. how do i fight feeling so depressed when moments ago i was commenting on how impressed i was that someone was able to speak out loud their feelings of fear. last night i wrote 2 emails to my therapist. the second one was so bizarre. i felt the spirit of a friend who just recently died unexpectedly. she was young. there was a sign. she loved butterflies. i received a notice last night in my email from someone’s blog i subscribe to who had the most beautiful photograph of blue butterflies and next to it was another photograph with a quote that felt so much like what my friend would feel like. it said: “pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” i was pulled down into such a deep depression after that. i missed my friend so much yet i felt like she were right beside me.
i wrote in the letter to my therapist: “…I am so angry I never got to tell her my secret that i was a manic depressive. that i had been diagnosed many years back but only found out from my new therapist a few weeks ago about the bipolar disorder. i wanted to share this with her but told her i want to talk to my doc c. first. she became upset and asked me if my cancer had returned. i reassured her it had not. that i never will be able to share with her all the things we talked about and how open we would be with each other. i trusted her so much. i need her now. i want her back. it wasn’t time for her to go. it makes absolutely no sense. why did she have to die? it just isn’t right. haunt me a. i am here for you. you are not alone. i’m so angry we never had that conversation. i wanted her to know. i wanted to be there for her. i wanted her to be there for me like we have been for a very long time. i always worried about her. i always felt so good inside whenever i would see her. we shared much emotional intimacy together. we got very close and knew a great deal about each other. she had that way that made me feel so close to her. so open. we were that way together.
we were connected in spirit. and now her spirit is trying to communicate with me telling me she is feeling good and she is alright and she isn’t going too far away. that i will see her again. someday. when i’m not so clear about. i can not believe i will not speak to her again or see her face look up at me. and our favorite goodbye: “i’ll talk to you later.” and she was so good about my texting her. she always had a hard time doing it at her end but she let me text her as often as i wanted to. i usually did many at a time so i could get the whole message across.
a. was the first person i told about my therapist not being there for me any longer that she was leaving suddenly. i did it in a really long texting session. she felt so bad for me and kept reassuring me and asking me if i was alright and how was i doing. she knew i was in so much pain. she understood that pain. my therapist is a great lose for me and still is. and now a.is joining in on my feelings of loss.
i really don’t understand why i am not completely and utterly mad. why haven’t i completely lost it. i think my partner thinks i have. i escape into my writing and my books and my mcp, a good companion and protector, and i have you my new therapist to help me in therapy, to hear me and make me laugh and enjoy that i enjoy “castle” and stana katic so much. she’s my present day j. a. i always told my former therapist that Stana Katic as Beckett was a lot like her and Stana herself is a lot like her also. They both have a gentle nature and care about those around them very deeply.
No one cared about me the way that she did before I met her. how do i let go of that when i never had it before her. and i never had a friend like a. before. why are they both being taken out of my life. and so close together. and c. my doc, is in pain. her husband died 4 days after a. i can’t bear to think she is feeling any of the kind of pain that i am feeling and have felt before now. i want to take it away or at least help her.
i am so f@cked up. when i was numb i was like a zombie but now i am such an emotional mess. one minute i’m depressed and without warning i am flying high into an euphoric mania driving my partner crazy when i am the one who should be crazy. well, actually i am…crazy that is. no hospitals. i just want some damn medication that works that doesn’t make me feel stupid and doesn’t take away the creativity and doesn’t make me gain weight or f@ck with my blood sugar.
i feel like i am drunk or numb but haven’t touched a thing. it’s becoming difficult to type. this is all $h@t.” this is what i wrote last night. i find after writing some of the depression gets lifted but not always. when i am manic i tend to write even more frantically. my emotional levels are compounded by having a psychiatrist who doesn’t understand what is wrong with me and if you check out a previous post she is in more denial than i am in. feeling a bit better then when i started writing. need to listen to some music that will bring on memories of those who are gone now.
i find it “who knows what manic depression is and what suicide is. It lives with me as a constant companion almost comforting at times. That is coming from my own thoughts. I’ve lived with feelings of suicide so often.” how i control my self from making any more attempts at killing myself when there is such a strong urge to do so. i’ve made so many promises to my self and to my close support circle that i will not do it and my mpc needs me plus my other animals and my partner, i thinks she wants me around even though at times she can be so damn grumpy, it’s her deadlines, they are driving her crazy and so is my mania. ~jen~
goodbye my friend – james blunt
somewhere over the rainbow – israel “IZ”
goodbye my friend. river phoenix died at 23 just as suddenly and unexpectedly. too many in my life seem to leave that way. when i listen to this song i feel the emotions that come with feeling love and missing the ones i love. my “almost lover” died on june 3rd. i will remember her always and forever.
almost lovers – a fine frenzy
wildfire – michael murphy (her/our favorite song)
ghost – righteous brothers – unchained melody
i have never forgot what they did to you
your story will be told – i’m working one it
celine dion – i love you, goodbye
river phoenix – i still cry
james dean – forever young
westlife – soledad
missing you so much the pain fills my body whenever i take a breath
metallica – nothing else matters
westlife with diana ross – when you tell me that you love me
westlife – i have a dream
garrett hedlund – timing is everything
garrett hedlund – give in to me
sara ramerez – the story (grey’s anatomy)
barbra streisand – as if we never said goodby
tom waits – all the world is green
bruno mars – just the way you are
lady antebellum – need you now
su cliente loca – for d.
nicole kidman – one day i’ll fly away (moulin rouge)
ewan mcgregor – your song
ewan mcgregor and nicole kidman
i will love you til my dying day come what may
nicole kidman and ewan mcgregor – come what may finale
keith urban – only you could love me this way
keith urban – tonight i want to cry
lady antebellum – can’t take my eyes off you
this makes me feel pain deep inside for m.
i just want her to hold me and never let go
procol harum – whiter shade of pale
for a.t. – i will always remember you
this is in memory of you
barbra streisand – unusual way
to m. simple love but in love
loreena mckennitt – skellig
butterflies in mania