goodbye s. – i will not bother you any longer
by jen kiley

letter to my therapist

see the lower part of page for last entry. i gave all these messages to s. on her birthday on her facebook page. she hurt me very badly which prompted me to write the last message. i may never speak to her again. i am so hurt by her and tired of the way that she treats me. she has no clue how awful she can be to me and tonight was the last i am going to take of it. something very major has to happen coming from her to cause anything to change and to make me accept her again into my life. i have been hurt enough by her. i know i am still in a very deep depressive state and feel extremely suicidal and seriously want to end it. if i make it through this night it will be a major feat. all day long i have been working on gathering information about suicide and the pain that manic depression puts you in. stephen fry, an actor and writer and highly intelligent and creative manic depressive did an interview on a British tv show stating that he may well commit suicide. everyone seemed to jump all over him for expressing that sentiment. he never said he was contemplating suicide. he does have some support about speaking the truth and bringing out into the open the conditions of manic depression. anyway i want to end this horrible pain. i am so exhausted from it. i have felt closer and closer to the actual place where i will do it. i may make light of it but i am finding fewer and fewer reasons to continue staying alive. if s. can’t bear for me to make a comment on her page but has no problem with n.a. “the fucking bitch’ and anyone else doing so then what is there??? my (mcp) multi-colored protector and my other animals are the only things keeping me from checking out. you are my therapist and i do not want to disappoint you or c. but m. is gone and a. is dead and there doesn’t really seem there is any thing else. it is futile to write but i will continue. it is the only thing that keeps me alive. if i stop doing that i will surely die. j., m., (v. & v. – the twins) r., l. – we are the mainstream system – the rest are hidden away. what is the best way to kill myself??? the least painless. after all i’ve had enough pain. there are no pills to end the pain except the ones that make you overdose. too bad jack kevorkian had to die.

oh and there were also presents and an ecard that i designed and wrote and had sent to her on her birthday. i actually stayed up until after 7:30am on the morning of her birthday so she could start her day by downloading the card i designed. it was beautiful with the painting of abstract roses. and one of the presents i made for her was of a magnificent photograph of a lotus and the quote above it read: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~Aristotle~ (one of s. favorite philosophers.) with it i bought a white wooden frame and something special – the dvd of the most recent h. p. film “d. h.” part 1. h. p. books and films were one of my regular gifts for s. with every new release. something special between us.

i can not do any more to seek her forgiveness or understanding or love. it is over. i do not have any fight left in me. at least not now. i just want to go to sleep forever. maybe spend some time with my g.m..and t. and maybe see a.. they will be on the other side. i don’t even know if m. even cares about me any longer since she left and you know how important she is to me. i want to open up my veins and bleed until i have no blood left until i am dead. no life left in this body. no more pain or memories of the abuse that happened to my body. if i’m not in it i will not feel it any longer. the memories will stay with it and i can go.

this is only if i do this now. i sent the letter to s. she will get it on sunday when she checks her messages. how she will react i do not know. she might not say a word. that would be so like her to dismiss it as though nothing has happened and no letter was ever written. it would mean facing her behavior and my feelings and hers also.

i do not want to die. not really. but i think about it all the time. it is a safe place in my head where i go to get away from the horror of this world. but how strong am i to fight off the calling to let go of the pain this world brings and the confusion that lives in my mind. how many therapy appointments does it take. i lost count of just how many there have been since i was 19 – the age i started unraveling the nightmare of my childhood and now my life.

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yes m. was running about stealing brie and shrimp and trying to avoid my mcp. i guarded while you watched cautiously. we gave m. a hiding place under a large stuffed one of his kind behind my head. the feast was delicious. finger foods. your choices. loved the alien birthday singers and the “who let the frogs out” hidden after the original birthday song. great and creative birthday card.
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happy birthday s. @>— mmj & kids

“…her raptures were, all air, and fire,
which made her verses clear.
for that fine madness still she did retain,
which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.
~michael drayton~ (took liberty with gender)
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“Writing is the ability to draw pictures in someone elses mind, and have these pictures be entirely different from the pictures in your own mind.” ~writer.~

i honor your gift to create this goal…
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forever young…so many dreams yet to come…happy birthday!!! writer…@>—
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it’s too bad you’d rather have n.a. and j. and h.w. and others be close to you but would rather deny anything between us. well i removed most of the evidence of my presence of your birthday so you don’t have to worry that anyone will see that i care about you. i fooled myself to think i was in some way important to you. we’ve only lived together for …yrs and were so madly in love shortly after we met. what a fool i am. have n. even if she is a bitch. it seems that is what you prefer to someone who loves you no matter what you are able to do or not do. i’m sorry i caused you to want to hurt me so much. you have no clue either how much you have hurt me and betrayed me or of how much i am aware. i try to show you in so many ways how i feel but you reject every effort i make. so i am not going to ask you any longer to notice who i am or how i feel about you. it’s too bad that you can care about anyone else but me.