by jen kiley
i need to hear and feel this kind of song. this is so beautiful. it is painful to listen to. a sweet pain. it makes me feel sad. it holds so many memories of love and loss. to me it’s a fantasy but brings on such a longing for those i have lost so suddenly to death. the singing voice is so sweet and loving. i want to feel her touch again. but there are many who i feel this way about who were ripped from my life and my arms.
a familiar song from the nights of writing my manuscript inspired by her. the woman who haunts my mind.
“where ever you go. whatever you do i will be right here waiting for you. what ever it takes or how my heart breaks i will be right here waiting for you…you’ve got me going crazy.”
i’ve lived an adventurous life with a great deal of of my alters doing what ever they wanted to do. i never knew who i was or who i am. the women that i have loved and the ones i still love overwhelm my emotions. many have disappeared from my life but the relationships did not end. they vanished or i vanished and the one i thought i would love forever was killed. i love the woman i am living with now and plan on spending the rest of my life with her but it is difficult for me not to love many woman but they seem to die on me. now i am learning i need to get to know myself and to love myself so that i can understand intimacy. the pain of loss seems to follow me throughout my life. now i have discovered something about myself that changes everything. i do not only have multiple personalities but i have manic depression with an artistic temperament that flairs up unexpectedly and my divine madness and my alters are never sure who is doing what or feeling what at given time.
this is how i feel about my last therapist. i wish she were here to talk to. not being able to see her or hear her voice. not knowing whether i ever cross her mind. i want so badly to call her. the rules of the american psychological association forbid contact for two years. i feel like it’s an unfair punishment. i gave this song to my new therapist as a birthday present and she is great but i do not have the strong feelings for her that i had for “her” my last therapist. i love her and it goes way beyond transference. she is so gentle and understanding and had the kindest and softest voice i’ve ever heard. i have never trusted or cared about or loved someone the way i do her. it’s unbearable missing her. my new therapist makes me laugh and understands and is not overwhelmed by my manic states during our sessions. she goes with where ever my mind goes and keeps up. the emotional explosion happened after we started seeing each other. i was in a depressive episode when we met and unaware of my manic depression. all i could do is cry at the beginning then the mania hit full on. but now the depression is back and the lows are extremely low and suicidal. on tuesday i have to convince my psychiatrist that i am bipolar and she needs to rethink her medication plan for me. when your psychiatrist is in denial that’s when you are really in trouble. last four times i met with her we either argued or she put me into a deeper depression and made me feel more severely suicidal. what is that all about??? she told my therapist that she has never seen me manic so how could i possibly be manic depressive. answer: i have been an emotional zombie for the past number of years from having an emotional and mental breakdown and shut down and locked up every emotion that existed except anger and depression if you can call that an emotion. my therapist said when i did trauma group my emotions were so locked up into little compartments inside of me that there were chains for the chains to keep them from coming out. but now they have exploded when my last therapist left so abruptly. i had another mental and emotional breakdown but this time the chains melted too fast and pandora’s proverbial box was opened too quickly and everything spilled out from inside of me. too much to handle and full blown manic depression reoccurred. can’t sleep until my body shuts down on it’s own. don’t want to eat. have no appetite. forget to take the multiplicity of pills that i take or take them at the wrong time. like taking ambien cr and other sleep meds before dinner not noticing i was doing it. just plain f@#king up. talking a mile a second and interrupting everyone but not meaning to but can’t seem to help it. i read. i write. i listen to sad music. i try to watch films and tv but cannot concentrate. the only thing i can seem to do is start my laptop when i get up and stay on it until i go to bed. then when i am in bed i do more writing and reading then eventually put my head on the pillow after the sun has been up forever. but i won’t sleep past noon most days and on therapy days i get up around 10am with a wake up call at 9:30am. wear sunglasses to therapy and doctors appointments because my eyes are too sensitive to the light. my partner thinks i am manic depressive and have multiple personalities because she has seen everything close up for more years then i will mention. she understands the did and agoraphobia and panic and mania and depression and suicide attempts and the need to protect me. have two numbers on speed dial for suicide hotlines just in case. so why can’t my psychiatrist see any of this. is she crazy???
“the walls and the scars that won’t go away and opening up has always been the hardest thing. so lay here beside me and hold me and don’t let go. this feeling i’m feeling is something i’ve never known. i just can’t take my eyes off you.” this is the way i feel about my last therapist except replace “lay here beside me” with “just hold me and don’t let go.” she let go and i won’t ever get over that pain when we hugged and said goodbye.
a moment from my life. “a broken heart that is still beating. you got inside my head. i like to see your reflection inside of my eyes. i’m falling apart. i’m barely breathing. i’m holding on. i’m barely holding onto you. i’m hanging on. you say that i will be okay. broken lights on the freeway. i’m barely holding on to you.”