Daily Archives: June 25, 2011, 7:08 pm

I Promise I Will Find You Somewhere In Time

I Promise I Will Find You Somewhere In Time

by Jen Kiley

If we are not meant to know each other any longer in this lifetime and in past lives we were always pulled apart, then I will have to find you somewhere in time. This I promise to you with all my heart and soul and mind and body. You mean so much to me, more than you will ever know or understand. How do I explain that I Love You and I’ve always loved you and I will continue to love you always and forever. Will you ever understand how important you are to me??? All the people around us and the rules of the organization have pulled us apart. They prevent us from any contact. How do we know that what was once there between will exist when the rules set us free. I can not bear the thoughts that I will lose you again because time has destroyed the bond we so painstakingly created between us???

This music played so delicately on the piano gives me the chills which make me feel your presence as though you were a ghost. Maybe it is your spirit feeling mine reaching out to you. Last night I wrote a message to you that came from anger and frustration that I am unable to convey to you just how much I need you now. It has become unbearable knowing you are out there just beyond my reach. Others are able to spend time with you and they get to enjoy their time spent with you. Why is it so difficult for me to accept this distance we must maintain??? And why doesn’t anyone understand the importance of my making and having contact with you now, not 18 months from now but in this moment in time, this is when I need you. You have broken my heart and it continues to be broken every moment that I am unable to be with you; to call you; to speak with you; to just have you hold me in your arms in a hug that I would want to last forever. It is so unreasonable, love is. Love is painful. Love is the demon that steals your breath away. Love is the captor of the spirit when least suspecting. Love is positive when one is not needing it to be there for you. Love is an invisible essence that gives unexpectedly a comfort and a joy that a living creature can not live or thrive without. Being denied love is destructive to all parts of ones being. Without love one shrivels up and dies and becomes a walking corpse inside and zombie-like body that feels nothing but pain and seeks only release in death.

Am I depressed??? Yes, I am floating inside of a bipolar depression that will not release me except into temporary moments of clarity where I am able to laugh momentarily at modern family but then I pass back into my inner loneliness with our her.

As the words that are spoken at the beginning to the film “Somewhere In Time”: “Come back to me’, hold so much meaning for the older woman who speaks these words to the young man, Richard Collier, who has just had his first play produced, but who is surprised and bewildered by her presence and what possible meaning these words have to do with him. He reluctantly accepts her gift of a gold pocket watch as she tucks it into the palm of his hand and then folds his fingers over the watch. He keeps the watch on him from that point forward and he continually listens to a piece of music: S. Rachmaninoff, Rhapsody on a theme by Paganini which haunts him as it had haunted her for her entire life. Somehow this piece of music and the gold pocket watch are their connection through time.

It is in our nature to solve the mysteries in our life. His mystery prevents him more and more to be unable to continue his work of professionally writing his plays on deadline. It is necessary to resolve what it is that is calling him into the past, a place that he, at first, does not realize that is where he needs to be. To travel back to Elise McKenna, back in the early 1900 hundreds, in order to meet her for the first time and to discover why she meets him in his future. Of course, he has no idea why she means so much to him until when he is visiting the Grand Hotel and wanders through a viewing room and sees her photograph that has a look that appears to be looking straight at him as though it has happened before someplace in his memory. He becomes driven by a force unknown or understood by him but a force that cause him to pursue and resolve what it is exactly that those haunting words mean: COME BACK TO ME!!!”

I wrote something last night that expressed just what the depth of my despair is that exists within me at the loss of the woman that I love and need and want so deeply to be present in my life. It shows the madness that is developing within me. Just as Richard in “Somewhere In Time” becomes more and more obsessed with getting back to the time in which Elise McKenna is living a vital life as a famous actress just waiting for him though in the past she doesn’t know it is Richard for whom she is waiting, but she is waiting just the same. Time travel or Reincarnation is a difficult concept to explain or to even believe in but like Richard I do believe in Reincarnation and I believe the woman that I am having such a difficult time living without any contact is a spirit I have known throughout time and we are meant to be together in some form in this lifetime beyond what has already existed between us. It is such things that are the creators of madness, the denial of or the belief in from the rest of the world that I desparately need her whether she knows it or whether anyone else understands the strong need for our energies to come toether.

It’s like denying water to a person who has been in the desert for more days then they should be able to survive without it. I am dying inside and can do nothing more than I am doing already. Time does not move fast enough or at all until one arrives at ones destination. The water in this instance is of a spiritual nature and energy, made up of entirely innocent purposes.

I say this to the woman I am missing so much. Hopefully she will understand someday just how I feel. I call it simple love, a love between a mentor and her disciple; a muse and inspiration to her student creator. These are the words Elise McKenna speaks to Richard Collier as he sits in the audience watching her performance as she goes off her lines to inject this message just for him. I take the liberties to change the gender so that I am speaking to my muse and inspiration and the woman who has opened up my life so that I could in my many identities become real again. That is what she has done for me and she, also, showed me what unconditional love and understanding and kindness and healing is. Here are the words as I would speak them to her if only I could see her and speak to her.

“The woman of my dreams has almost faded now. The one I have created in my mind. The sort of woman each woman dreams of, in the deepest and most secret reaches of her heart. I can almost see her now before me. What would I say to her if she were really here? ‘Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder, then, I failed to recognize you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way that I can tell you how my life has changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me? There is so much to say. I cannot find the words. Except for these: I love you’. Such would I say to her if she were really here.”

This is what I wrote last night in my manuscript to say to her. It coming from all my pain, hurt and anger at her abandoning me so suddenly and the fact that we are not allowed to have any contact with one another. It would mean her license and who knows what would happen to me, maybe my banishment from ever seeing her again ever in this life time.

Saturday: 6.25.11 @3:45am

“I am feeling abandoned by everyone. even though that is not the truth. no response from d. to my honest letter. either she is out sick again and therefore unavailable or she didn’t read my letter or she doesn’t want to answer it because as s. has said it was an angry letter and d. is going to realize this. I had to call d. on judging my art versus s.’s. we are so different. I am doing what I need to do to grow creatively. I need m’s encouragement not d’s negativity entering my brain. kill me now if I can not be myself and have that be enough, I just would prefer to die right now if I can’t see m.. she is the symbolic Great Feminine. I need her presence in my life. I must somehow reach out to her. what can I do to get through to you m. what must I do to reach out to you. you are too perfect and obey the damned rules. are you so uptight you can not break out of the mold??? I want to kill myself now or hurt myself, cut myself open. it is too painful, it comes on in floods. typing is driving me crazy. it just doesn’t flow. contact me m. hear my thoughts. I need to release the energy that is frustrating me and making me feel so much pressure. d. doesn’t seem to care enough to even call me or drop me a line. what am I going to do next week. I do not think I want to see her. I want to see you m. or someone else but not d. please let s. and I win the lottery so we can afford a therapist that will be who we want to talk to and work with on our terms and they won’t abandon us. thanks m., I’d like to say to you, fuck you for doing this to me. I was fucked when I was a kid I do not nor did not need you to do that to me now. I am so angry with you for leaving me behind you and you don’t look back. I want to take all my psych drugs and just overdose. what is the point in going on. I‘m just going to continue to fuck up and lose people and people will continue to abandon me. I never thought you would be one of those people. but fuck what you did.”

This is what I wrote in the early hours of this day and it seems I am not doing or feeling much better since those words were written. Write it off to being in a state of mental imbalance or divine madness or taking new meds later than I should have or just needing to see m. and speak to her. What is wrong with getting the love that you want from the person you want it from??? It is not like I do not have other people in my life that love me and that I love but it is the madness of not being able to have the love from m. that i seem to most need in my life more than anything. It is too strong to be only of this time and place. It feels too universal and timeless. Will this pain ever end and will I make it until the time when the rules no longer apply and control us from meeting. And when the time does come will what we once had created between us still exist or be able to be recaptured or will it become only an illusion and my madness will totally take over my being forever???

Come Back To the Five and Dime Jimmie Dean Jimmie Dean

Come Back To the Five and Dime Jimmie Dean Jimmie Dean

By Jen Kiley

Clips do not belong to me but the use of them is to pay tribute in particularly to Sandy Dennis, but also to remember Robert Altman, James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor.

I chose the film that is the title to this piece and clips from other Sandy Dennis films because the themes are of relationships and arguments and discussion, some of a very bizarre nature. The situations you find the characters are in help define for me what an argument is or at least make it clearer as to what it is not. I, also chose Sandy Dennis as one of the main actors in these films because I am one degree of separation from her in real life and met and knew her mother through a friend of mine when we were teenagers and just starting group psychotherapy. I knew A. for several years when he introduced me to Sandy’s mom, who belonged to another group that A. wanted me to join. She was the coolest lady. We use to talk about our dreams and she told me many stories. One in particular was her enjoying the beaches of Barbados and partaking of the sand as a place to enjoy a good nights sleep and dreams. A place that I now dream of as my safe place and getaway. Someday, if I am able I will visit this place. It is also the location of the Julie Andrews film Tamarind Seed, directed by her late husband Blake Edwards, who dies at the end of 2010. SO it does hold great meaning for me in many ways. Also the winds and temperature and beaches are divine. SO back to Sandy’s mom, she, also, told me of the many cats that Sandy and her family had together. Being a cat person myself this was an enjoyable exchange. It was a brief encounter but I enjoyed every moment of it and also told her that I adored her daughter very much. Sandy was also chosen for this post because she died young and that seems to be a theme in my life. The first film I picked to share are clips when put together form the complete film by Robert Altman of Come To the Five and Dime, Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean. Being a fan of both Sandy Dennis and feeling the connection through her mom and being a lover of Robert Altman films, I’ve wanted to see this film for the longest of times and serendipitously came upon it last night and upon Sandy Dennis and Robert Altman all in one memorable evening as I created a post-scribe of a Tribute to Robert Altman and all of his work in films and television. He is my all time favorite director and when he died I felt a great loss to myself and to the world of films. He was such a magnificent director and story teller. No one will ever be able to replace him or to replace Sandy Dennis. She is truly amazing. I do wish someone would put this film onto DVD. It would be in my family’s collection immediately. And James Dean is by far my favorite actor of all time. If he had not crashed and died so young and before he could even realize his greatness, oh the films he could have made. All of them are lost to us now. Please enjoy this tribute to them all. And take note the lesbian love that is manipulated by the past way of thinking about homosexual unions. The gay couples usually break up or one hangs themselves or somehow dies.

Come Back To the Five and Dime Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean is a film with a wonderful retrospective and occurs during the time of James Dean and deals with relevant issues, what some would say were before their time, It stars Sandy Dennis, Cher, Kathy Bates, Karen Black and several other actors. A complete female cast with the exception of a young male actor who appears in some of the flashbacks.

Theatrical Trailer for the 1967 drama The Fox, based on D.H. Lawrences’s novel.

The Fox (1967)

Great film that needs to be released on DVD. I love Sandy Dennis!

Anne Heywood and Sandy Dennis frolic merrily before their love nest is upturned by the Fox, Keir Dullea.

THE FOX – 1967 Sandy Dennis, Keir Dullea, Anne Heywood
Mark Rydell’s “The Fox”, based on the Novel by DH Lawrence.

One always has to die in order for the heterosexual norm to remain safe, apparently. Of course, Dorothy Parker said “Heterosexuality isn’t normal, it’s just common.” ;)

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? making conversation
Martha gets changed and her evening of humiliating George starts, guests still in the dark

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Talking about the university party

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
George gets to play a game of his own

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Dancing and smothering. Martha dances and tells an ugly story

The Out of Towners starring Sandy Dennis and Jack Lemmon

part 1

The Out of Towners with Sandy Dennis and Jack Lemmon

part 7

Trailer for the NY set school drama-Up the Down Staircase-starring Sandy Dennis and directed by Robert Mulligan.

What’s My Line – Sandy Dennis – great interview and exchange with panel

Sandy Dennis Tribute – I loved being friends with her mom.

My favorite play, written by Edward Albee.
My favorite movie, directed by Mike Nichols.
And also, my favorite soundtrack. Composed by Alex North.
Does it get any better than this?

A look back in pictures at the life and career of the late actress Sandy Dennis. The song is “Moon River” as performed by Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”

April 27, 1937 to March 2, 1992 died at the young age of 54 in Westport, CT where I spent my youth – her death was caused by ovarian cancer.

It would not be easy for anyone to out-do one of American theater’s finest thespians, but somehow actress Sandy Dennis managed to even out-quirk the legendary Geraldine Page when it came to affecting nervous ticks and offbeat mannerisms on stage and in film. She and Page had few peers when it came to the neurotic-dispensing department. The two Actor’s Studio disciples developed fascinating characterizations that seemed to manifest themselves outwardly to such physical extremes and, like a bad car accident, their overt stylings were capable of drawing in audiences. There was no grey area. Either way, both had a searing emotional range and were undeniably transfixing figures who held up Oscar trophies to prove there was a “Method” to their respective madness. Sandy’s signature quirks — her stuttering, fluttering, throat gulps, eye twitches, nervous giggles, hysterical flailing — are all a part of what made her so distinctive and unforgettable. Her untimely death of cancer at age 54 robbed the entertainment industry of a remarkable talent.

The Nebraska-born-and-bred actress was born Sandra Dale Dennis in Hastings, on April 27, 1937, the daughter of postal clerk Jack Dennis and his secretary wife Yvonne. Living in both Kenesaw (1942) and Lincoln (1946) while growing up, she and brother Frank went to Lincoln High School with TV host Dick Cavett. Her passion for acting grew and grew while still at home. A college student at both Nebraska Wesleyan University and the University of Nebraska, she eventually found her career direction after appearing with the Lincoln Community Theater Group.

This divine actress left Nebraska and towards the Big Apple at age 19 just to try her luck. An intense student of acting guru Uta Hagen, Sandy made her New York stage debut in a Tempo Theatre production of “The Lady from the Sea” in 1956 and that same year won her first TV role as that of Alice Holden in the daytime series “Guiding Light” (1952). A year later she made it to Broadway as an understudy (and eventual replacement) for the roles of Flirt and Reenie in the William Inge drama “The Dark at the Top of the Stairs,” directed by Elia Kazan at the Music Box Theatre. She toured with that production and also found regional work in the plays “Bus Stop” and “Motel” while continuing to shine as a budding New York fixture in “Burning Bright,” “Face of a Hero” and “Port Royal”.

Along with fellow newcomers Gary Lockwood and Phyllis Diller, Sandy made her movie debut in playwright Inge’s Splendor in the Grass (1961), a movie quite welcoming of Sandy’s neurotic tendencies. In the minor but instrumental role of Kay, she is an unwitting instigator of friend Deanie’s (played by an ambitiously unbalanced Natalie Wood) mental collapse. Despite this worthy little turn, Sandy would not make another film for five years.

Instead, the actress set her sites strongly on the stage and for this she was handsomely rewarded, most notably in comedy. After appearing in a two-month run of the Graham Greene drama “The Complaisant Lover” at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre in 1961, stardom would be hers the very next year with her outstanding social worker role in the lighter-weight “A Thousand Clowns”. Winning the Theatre World as well as the coveted Tony Award for her performance, she continued her run of prizes with a second consecutive Tony for her sexy turn in the comedy “Any Wednesday” (1964). Having made only one picture at this juncture, Sandy was not in a good position to transfer her award-winning characters to film and when they did, they went to Barbara Harris and Jane Fonda, respectively.

TV was also a viable medium for Sandy and she appeared sporadically on such programs as “The Fugitive,” “Naked City” and “Arrest and Trial”. In 1965, she appeared in London as Irina in a heralded Actor’s Studio production of Chekhov’s “The Three Sisters” with fellow devotees Geraldine Page, Kim Stanley, Shelley Winters, Luther Adler and Kevin McCarthy. The play was subsequently videotaped and directed by Paul Bogart, and is valuable today for the studied “Method” performances of its cast. It, however, received mixed reviews upon its release.

Returning to film in 1966, Sandy seemed to embellish every physical and emotional peculiarity she could muster for the role of the mousy wife Honey in the four-character powerhouse play Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966) by Edward Albee. It is a mouth-dropping, emotionally shattering performance, and both she and a more even-keeled George Segal as the dropover guests of the skewering cutthroat couple George and Martha (Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton) more than held their own. While the distaff cast won Oscars for this (Taylor for “Best Actress” and Dennis for “Best Supporting Actress”), this ferocious landmark film blew open the “Production Code” doors once and for all and a wave of counterculture filming tackling formerly taboo subjects came to be.

Firmly established now with her Oscar win, Sandy found highly affecting lead showcases for herself. She was quite memorable and won the New York Film Critics Award for her young, naive British teacher challenged by a New York “Blackboard Jungle”-like school system in Up the Down Staircase (1967). She also stirred up some controversy along with Anne Heywood playing brittle lesbian lovers whose relationship is threatened by a sexy male visitor (Keir Dullea) in another ground-breaking film The Fox (1967). Sandy remained intriguingly off-kiltered in the odd-couple romantic story Sweet November (1968) opposite Anthony Newley, the bizarre Robert Altman thriller That Cold Day in the Park (1969), and the gloomy British melodrama Thank You All Very Much (1969) [aka Thank You All Very Much].

Off-camera, Sandy lived for over a decade with jazz musician and saxophonist Gerry Mulligan, which began in 1965 following his devoted relationship with actress Judy Holliday who had died of cancer earlier in the year. They eventually parted ways in 1976. Rumors that they had married at some point were eventually negated by Sandy herself. Sandy also went on to have a May-December relationship with the equally quirky actor Eric Roberts from 1980 to 1985. She had no children.

At the peak of her film popularity, Sandy began the 1970s in more mainstream fashion. She and Jack Lemmon were another odd-couple hit in Neil Simon’s The Out of Towners (1970) as married George and Gwen Kellerman visiting an unmerciful Big Apple. Sandy is at her whiny, plain-Jane best (“Oh, my God…I think we’re being kidnapped!”) as disaster upon disaster befalls the miserable twosome. Both she and Lemmon were nominated for Golden Globes. Following this, however, Sandy again refocused on the stage with an avalanche of fine performances in “How the Other Half Loves,” “And Miss Reardon Drinks a Little,” “A Streetcar Named Desire” (as Blanche), “Born Yesterday” (as Billie Dawn), “Absurd Person Singular,” “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” (as Maggie the Cat), “Same Time, Next Year,” “The Little Foxes,” “Eccentricities of a Nightingale,” “The Supporting Cast” and even the title role in “Peter Pan”.

A few TV and movie roles came Sandy’s way in unspectacular fashion but it wasn’t until the next decade that she again stole some thunder. After a moving support turn as a cast-off wife in the finely-tuned ensemble drama The Four Seasons (1981), Sandy proved terrific as a James Dean extremist in another ensemble film Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean (1982), which she played first to fine acclaim on Broadway. Reunited with director Robert Altman as well as her stage compatriots Cher, Karen Black, Kathy Bates, Sudie Bond and Marta Heflin, the film version was equally praised. Her last films included Another Woman (1988), 976-EVIL (1988) and Parents (1989).

Seen less and less in later years, she gave in to her eccentric tendencies as time went on. A notorious cat lover (at one point there was a count of 33 residing in her Westport, Connecticut home), close friends included actresses Brenda Vaccaro and Jessica Walter. Her father Jack died in 1990 and around that same time Sandy was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Undergoing chemotherapy at the time she filmed the part of a beaten-down mother in Sean Penn’s The Indian Runner (1991), the role proved to be her last.

Sandy died in Westport on March 3, 1992. Her ashes were placed at the Lincoln Memorial Park in Lincoln, Nebraska. A foundation in her home state was set up to “memorialize the accomplishments of Sandy Dennis, to perpetuate her commitment to education and the performing arts, to promote cultural activities, and to encourage theatrical education, performance, and professionals”. A book, “Sandy Dennis: A Personal Memoir,” was published posthumously in 1997. Mini Biography from IMDB-By: Gary Brumburgh / gr-home@pacbell.net

Trivia

A well-known cat lover.

A dedicated exponent of the ‘Method’ technique via the Actor’s Studio, her physical neuroticisms could either captivate or repel audiences.

Although she and Gerry Mulligan referred to each other as husband and wife for years, she eventually said that they had never married.

She won two consecutive Tony awards, in 1963 as Best Supporting or Featured Actress (Dramatic) for “A Thousand Clowns” and in 1964 as Best Actress (Dramatic) for “Any Wednesday,” which eventually led to her Oscar-winning film performance in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966).

Awarded the coveted Theatre World Award for best Broadway debut in 1961.

Involved with actor Eric Roberts in 1981. Her dog was riding with Roberts when he crashed his jeep into a tree in Los Angeles. Roberts was in a coma for two weeks.

She declined to appear at the Oscar ceremonies the year she won her award for “Virginia Woolf”.

She studied drama at HB Studio in Greenwich Village in New York City.

Personal Quotes

[on acting]: It isn’t like painting a picture, or writing a book. When you finish an acting stint, there’s nothing except money. You have to keep going, giving the best you’ve got, to get something intangible.

I should have kept myself blonder and thinner, but I just didn’t care enough.

I don’t really like people much. I mean, I know I should develop this passion for other people and, like, get to know them, but I couldn’t care less. – on her relationship with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton during the filming of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf