I Promise I Will Find You Somewhere In Time
by Jen Kiley
If we are not meant to know each other any longer in this lifetime and in past lives we were always pulled apart, then I will have to find you somewhere in time. This I promise to you with all my heart and soul and mind and body. You mean so much to me, more than you will ever know or understand. How do I explain that I Love You and I’ve always loved you and I will continue to love you always and forever. Will you ever understand how important you are to me??? All the people around us and the rules of the organization have pulled us apart. They prevent us from any contact. How do we know that what was once there between will exist when the rules set us free. I can not bear the thoughts that I will lose you again because time has destroyed the bond we so painstakingly created between us???
This music played so delicately on the piano gives me the chills which make me feel your presence as though you were a ghost. Maybe it is your spirit feeling mine reaching out to you. Last night I wrote a message to you that came from anger and frustration that I am unable to convey to you just how much I need you now. It has become unbearable knowing you are out there just beyond my reach. Others are able to spend time with you and they get to enjoy their time spent with you. Why is it so difficult for me to accept this distance we must maintain??? And why doesn’t anyone understand the importance of my making and having contact with you now, not 18 months from now but in this moment in time, this is when I need you. You have broken my heart and it continues to be broken every moment that I am unable to be with you; to call you; to speak with you; to just have you hold me in your arms in a hug that I would want to last forever. It is so unreasonable, love is. Love is painful. Love is the demon that steals your breath away. Love is the captor of the spirit when least suspecting. Love is positive when one is not needing it to be there for you. Love is an invisible essence that gives unexpectedly a comfort and a joy that a living creature can not live or thrive without. Being denied love is destructive to all parts of ones being. Without love one shrivels up and dies and becomes a walking corpse inside and zombie-like body that feels nothing but pain and seeks only release in death.
Am I depressed??? Yes, I am floating inside of a bipolar depression that will not release me except into temporary moments of clarity where I am able to laugh momentarily at modern family but then I pass back into my inner loneliness with our her.
As the words that are spoken at the beginning to the film “Somewhere In Time”: “Come back to me’, hold so much meaning for the older woman who speaks these words to the young man, Richard Collier, who has just had his first play produced, but who is surprised and bewildered by her presence and what possible meaning these words have to do with him. He reluctantly accepts her gift of a gold pocket watch as she tucks it into the palm of his hand and then folds his fingers over the watch. He keeps the watch on him from that point forward and he continually listens to a piece of music: S. Rachmaninoff, Rhapsody on a theme by Paganini which haunts him as it had haunted her for her entire life. Somehow this piece of music and the gold pocket watch are their connection through time.
It is in our nature to solve the mysteries in our life. His mystery prevents him more and more to be unable to continue his work of professionally writing his plays on deadline. It is necessary to resolve what it is that is calling him into the past, a place that he, at first, does not realize that is where he needs to be. To travel back to Elise McKenna, back in the early 1900 hundreds, in order to meet her for the first time and to discover why she meets him in his future. Of course, he has no idea why she means so much to him until when he is visiting the Grand Hotel and wanders through a viewing room and sees her photograph that has a look that appears to be looking straight at him as though it has happened before someplace in his memory. He becomes driven by a force unknown or understood by him but a force that cause him to pursue and resolve what it is exactly that those haunting words mean: COME BACK TO ME!!!”
I wrote something last night that expressed just what the depth of my despair is that exists within me at the loss of the woman that I love and need and want so deeply to be present in my life. It shows the madness that is developing within me. Just as Richard in “Somewhere In Time” becomes more and more obsessed with getting back to the time in which Elise McKenna is living a vital life as a famous actress just waiting for him though in the past she doesn’t know it is Richard for whom she is waiting, but she is waiting just the same. Time travel or Reincarnation is a difficult concept to explain or to even believe in but like Richard I do believe in Reincarnation and I believe the woman that I am having such a difficult time living without any contact is a spirit I have known throughout time and we are meant to be together in some form in this lifetime beyond what has already existed between us. It is such things that are the creators of madness, the denial of or the belief in from the rest of the world that I desparately need her whether she knows it or whether anyone else understands the strong need for our energies to come toether.
It’s like denying water to a person who has been in the desert for more days then they should be able to survive without it. I am dying inside and can do nothing more than I am doing already. Time does not move fast enough or at all until one arrives at ones destination. The water in this instance is of a spiritual nature and energy, made up of entirely innocent purposes.
I say this to the woman I am missing so much. Hopefully she will understand someday just how I feel. I call it simple love, a love between a mentor and her disciple; a muse and inspiration to her student creator. These are the words Elise McKenna speaks to Richard Collier as he sits in the audience watching her performance as she goes off her lines to inject this message just for him. I take the liberties to change the gender so that I am speaking to my muse and inspiration and the woman who has opened up my life so that I could in my many identities become real again. That is what she has done for me and she, also, showed me what unconditional love and understanding and kindness and healing is. Here are the words as I would speak them to her if only I could see her and speak to her.
“The woman of my dreams has almost faded now. The one I have created in my mind. The sort of woman each woman dreams of, in the deepest and most secret reaches of her heart. I can almost see her now before me. What would I say to her if she were really here? ‘Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder, then, I failed to recognize you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way that I can tell you how my life has changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me? There is so much to say. I cannot find the words. Except for these: I love you’. Such would I say to her if she were really here.”
This is what I wrote last night in my manuscript to say to her. It coming from all my pain, hurt and anger at her abandoning me so suddenly and the fact that we are not allowed to have any contact with one another. It would mean her license and who knows what would happen to me, maybe my banishment from ever seeing her again ever in this life time.
Saturday: 6.25.11 @3:45am
“I am feeling abandoned by everyone. even though that is not the truth. no response from d. to my honest letter. either she is out sick again and therefore unavailable or she didn’t read my letter or she doesn’t want to answer it because as s. has said it was an angry letter and d. is going to realize this. I had to call d. on judging my art versus s.’s. we are so different. I am doing what I need to do to grow creatively. I need m’s encouragement not d’s negativity entering my brain. kill me now if I can not be myself and have that be enough, I just would prefer to die right now if I can’t see m.. she is the symbolic Great Feminine. I need her presence in my life. I must somehow reach out to her. what can I do to get through to you m. what must I do to reach out to you. you are too perfect and obey the damned rules. are you so uptight you can not break out of the mold??? I want to kill myself now or hurt myself, cut myself open. it is too painful, it comes on in floods. typing is driving me crazy. it just doesn’t flow. contact me m. hear my thoughts. I need to release the energy that is frustrating me and making me feel so much pressure. d. doesn’t seem to care enough to even call me or drop me a line. what am I going to do next week. I do not think I want to see her. I want to see you m. or someone else but not d. please let s. and I win the lottery so we can afford a therapist that will be who we want to talk to and work with on our terms and they won’t abandon us. thanks m., I’d like to say to you, fuck you for doing this to me. I was fucked when I was a kid I do not nor did not need you to do that to me now. I am so angry with you for leaving me behind you and you don’t look back. I want to take all my psych drugs and just overdose. what is the point in going on. I‘m just going to continue to fuck up and lose people and people will continue to abandon me. I never thought you would be one of those people. but fuck what you did.”
This is what I wrote in the early hours of this day and it seems I am not doing or feeling much better since those words were written. Write it off to being in a state of mental imbalance or divine madness or taking new meds later than I should have or just needing to see m. and speak to her. What is wrong with getting the love that you want from the person you want it from??? It is not like I do not have other people in my life that love me and that I love but it is the madness of not being able to have the love from m. that i seem to most need in my life more than anything. It is too strong to be only of this time and place. It feels too universal and timeless. Will this pain ever end and will I make it until the time when the rules no longer apply and control us from meeting. And when the time does come will what we once had created between us still exist or be able to be recaptured or will it become only an illusion and my madness will totally take over my being forever???