the 27 year club – a new member

the 27 year club – a new member

by jen kiley

RIP July 23rd, 2011 Amy Winehouse

I heard this on the afternoon of my birthday. when the words came out of my partner’s mouth i thought she said that Amy Winehouse tried to kill herself. My mistake was quickly corrected and received in a shock by me when i heard the words that she killed herself. I did a post awhile back on those starts who died young titled :forever young” I felt at the time possessed by river phoenix and james dean’s spirits and all those waking up to be heard out of a strong need to be heard. was today a day that Amy Winehouse was shouting out doesn’t anybody hear me. I am in so much pain that i can’t bare it any longer. i found this callous piece off a lead from a twitter post. it is titled AMY: Self Destruction – it contained passages about Snoop Dogg but i edited them out because i did not feel there relevance here. It was written just over three years ago but relevant to what just happened with Amy Winehouse.

Amy Winehouse – Back To Black


Date of show: May 2 and 4, 2008
On self-destruction.

When the British singer songwriter Amy Winehouse gets into trouble, she goes from weakness to weakness. This is especially sad because, whereas you might think that Amy Winehouse clearly has a talent from heaven. Already it has earned her millions of pounds, so you might say that her worries are working in her favour. But even the press is by now realising that it’s callous to say so.

Last weekend a voluntary visit to the police turned into an overnight stay and the story was instantly in all the papers, but there was a new note detectable, as of a farce finally being recognized as an incipient tragedy. If there was ever any fun to be had from reading about her troubles, the point has been reached where there is no fun left even in writing about them. Probably the best we can all do for her is not to mention her name except when buying one of her albums, so perhaps I am making a bad start. But I remember too well the first time I heard her sing and was so moved that my heart hurt.

And I also remember the first time that I saw her in real life. It was last year, in downtown New York. We happened to be staying in the same hotel, and I passed her in the foyer. She looked so frail that my heart hurt again, but in a different way. When that young woman sings, it’s the revelation of a divine gift. But when she behaves as if the gift were hers to destroy if she feels like it, you can’t help thinking of divine wrath. Can’t the same force that made her so brilliant give her strength?

At about the same time that Amy Winehouse was emerging from a police station again to be greeted by demands from her own father that she be sectioned as a soon as possible.

And then there’s Amy Winehouse, whose best songs really are works of art, no question. And she can actually sing them to you, in a way you would rather remember than forget. And yet she looks as if she can’t wait until it’s all over. Billie Holiday, by the end, had reasons to feel like that. But at the start, she guarded her gift. And Ella Fitzgerald sang on into old age as if her gift belonged to the world, which indeed it did. Amy Winehouse, if she wished, might build up an achievement that could be mentioned in the same breath as those two: perhaps not as varied, perhaps not as abundant, but just as unmistakably individual, and even more so because some of the songs would be composed by her, and not just handed to her on a piece of paper.

It could be that she does wish to fulfill her vast potential, but she has another wish that conflicts: the wish for oblivion. It’s hard to speak against that wish without sounding like an advertisement for a package holiday. As this world goes, there are ample reasons for wanting to be out of it even if your personal history is a comfort, and I imagine hers has been the opposite. But she knows all this. The proof is in some of her songs. The proof is in her voice. You don’t get to sing like that unless you can give a shape to grief. the end.

forever young – alphaville

What this writer finally says about grief is the point of her life. Did she feel such pain and grief that her gift came came from this dark place. she had such a gift that reached into the souls of her listeners and where in her soul was she reaching that she could express such depth and beauty. the world has once again lost a soul that didn’t feel welcomed on this earth. she became a joke to so many. do those people think that she wasn’t aware of their callousness. I knew what I heard but didn’t have first evidence of her talent just word of her presence on this planet and all the pain that she had to drown or run away from.why do so many people find that so amusing and where is the compassion for such a lost soul who tried to give so much to the world then got lost along the way. I hope she has found her peace. maybe she is with all the other lost souls who are “FOREVER YOUNG”

Amy Winehouse – Valerie

comments on YouTube:

I don’t give a crap about her private life, nothing to with me. What I do care about though is how she affects me with her voice and that has everything to do with me. Singers like Amy Winehouse are rare these days,especially in the UK, so people just get off her back, embrace her voice and thank God we are able to listen to her …
6 months ago 63

amy winehouse’s soul is black

Amy Winehouse – I’m No Good

in memory of you

in memory of you
for april who if she were here
would know what to do

by jen kiley

U2 – With or Without You

you wouldn’t want me to think the way I do
not about her… not at any time
I don’t know what to think…
how could I believe
that she would betray me
after all the love we had
for all we felt inside
she could not have been so gentle
and kind and compassionate
and hold the beliefs
she holds in her heart
i would be able to tell
if she were not being real with me

Lifehouse – Broken

such tenderness in her voice
spoken words so softly fell from her lips
they caressed my mind with soothing comfort
who exactly is not telling the truth
what is the truth
wouldn’t I recognize it before me
I have my doubts
and feel I know
who has lied to me
and denied me
my greatest need
to tell the one I loved
that she grounded me
I loved her so

the pretenders – I’ll stand by you

was it jealousy
that made her hold back the communique
or was it out of protection for her
or for me
but I did not want that protection
now I feel a need to kill myself
why – because I doubt the one I love
think thoughts and say fuck you
when I mean I love you
to have to wait so long for the truth
it seems unfair that I should have
that much time between us
can a go-between discover the truth for me
how do I ask the woman I love to ask the woman I love
if she still cares and if she still loves me
I would rather die than believe she would want to hurt me
when for so long she protected so carefully
with her words and her hugs
and reassurances

Timing Is Everything(Country Strong)-Garrett Hedlund

dare to live to the very last
dare to live forget about the past
you tried to help me forget my past
release the pain… the abuse I suffered
you taught me you could care for me and another
and it wouldn’t take you away from me
so why do I feel everyone is against
my love for you
it hurts so much not to know you
to have you so far away
I cannot reach out with my hand
and touch your face
to reassure me that you are real

Leighton Meester ft Garrett Hedlund – Give In To Me

that one day you will be there again
for me and me for you
I think they are lying about you
I won’t believe you would want to hurt me
until I hear you say the words
their truth is not my truth
but if the words are true
then you would totally break my heart
and I would say to you
how could you
didn’t I ever mean something to you

july 13th, 2011

How Do I Live- Trisha Yearwood

that’s what love is for

that’s what love is for
by jen kiley

i’m a hopeless romantic who believes in love, that it will conquer all things. it is universal and a way of sharing one’s life with all that surrounds you. a new friend brought this song to my attention tonight with a song with a similar title. it was actually this song that i was remembering from my past. i wore out and lp and cassette tape, so i spent a great deal of money back then so i could have this song and the album that featured it. it has since long passed. i’m sure if i looked i would be able to find it again but for now i just want to enjoy amy grant on the video singing in her most beautiful of voices: “that’s what love is for”…i just wish everyone would remember love. and how important it is for survival and living.

That’s What Love Is For

sung by amy grant

That’s What Love Is For Lyrics

Sometimes we make it harder than it is
We’ll take a perfect night
And fill it up with words we don’t mean
Dark sides best unseen
And we wonder why we’re feeling this way.

Sometimes I wonder if we really feel the same
Why we can be unkind
Questioning the strongest of hearts
That’s when we must start
Believing in the one thing that has gotten us this far.

That’s what love is for
To help us through it
That’s what love is for
Nothing else can do it.
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that’s what love is for.

Sometimes I see you
And you don’t know I am there
And I’m washed away by emotions
I hold deep down inside
Getting stronger with time
It’s living through the fire
And holding on we find
Believing in the one thing
That has gotten us this far
That’s what love is for
To help us through it
That’s what love is for
Nothing else can do it.
Round off the edges
Talk us down from the ledges
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that’s what love is for

That’s what love is for.
That’s what love is for
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that’s what love is for.
That’s what love is for.

ways of communicating between psychotherapist and client

ways of communicating between psychotherapist and client
by jen kiley (inspired by a fellow post-scriber)

lady antebellum – need you now

a symbol for support and caring but no emails

when i was seeing my former therapist she encouraged me to write emails to her as often as i wanted to and to call her to leave messages knowing that it was for my benefit and that she would not necessarily answer or return my phone calls. it was meant for me to be therapeutic. she also gave my new therapist permission to forward my correspondence for her. we all discussed the 2 year rule and my former therapist said that after that time we could test out becoming friends when the time was up and that meant meeting for tea and emails and friending on facebook and whatever else felt right. that’s why i am so confused that everyone including my former therapist suddenly put an abrupt stop to any communications (emails) at the behest of my former therapist. it makes no sense. we were close. it was real. it wasn’t in my imagination. she inspired me. she became my muse and she knew all this and approved. and right now she also knew i was so utterly vulnerable because of my friend’s death so suddenly. i’m still reeling from losing her and losing both of them in less than five months time. then my doc’s husband died four days after my friend. i am very close to her also. we have a very special relationship. i don’t feel like i did anything wrong by trying to let my former therapist know i still cared and was being blocked from writing to her. none of it makes any sense to me except that now i feel a need to cut her out of my life totally and thoroughly. which is eventually going to effect me in a really painful way. now i am just feeling anger and hurt. the manuscript that i am working on revolves around what happens in a therapeutic relationship and it is semi- autobiographical. my former therapist is at the center with me sharing my story as i speak to her in my head and write it down on paper. it’s more expansive than i can truly explain. it’s like a patch work quilt of ideas and feelings and experiences and more, my former therapist was my inspiration to start this project to begin with and important to its completion. if anything good will come out of this entire experience is that i may just get closer to my new therapist and get past the anger and really work with her. but even there, my new therapist and i were having serious and a fun time with my (our emails).

i suggested to my former therapist to consider doing something like live chat through something like Skype. i know there would probably be confidentiality problems. i did a Skype session with a former therapist awhile back and we are expecting to do one this week sometime. emailing is very cathartic. I know it was really cathartic for me but i am moving forward and letting it go (amazing for me) and set up a work sheet where each day or as i am inspired i will record on my laptop on a therapy work sheet, all that transpires between our sessions and she may just get more phone calls which until now have been few. i have just a touch of phone phobia when it comes to being personal and major separation anxiety problems that’s why the need for the contact with email, which i could do when i felt a need to connect but the work sheet should hopefully satisfy some of those requirements but it won’t be the same, my therapist won’t be sending me short cute notes to let me know we have connected. a comment on my most recent post helped to bring out all these thoughts and feelings and reflections. i still don’t know how i will get over the betrayal. i don’t take very well to that happening to me, especially when there is no sense to be made out of it. she is probably right about the kindness and compassion and the role she played as my therapist and me as her client but she never really understood the transference because she never wanted me to talk about it. we spent too much time working on my agoraphobia rather than in the office dealing with all the other emotional and traumatizing issues. the commenter is very genuine and kind and i thank her again for listening. i do think it was time for me to have the therapist i have now. nothing i do seems to make her want to go away and i have been really pissed off at her where i never could be with my former therapist. she did work on teaching me to open up my emotions and now i feel the pain and tears fall from my eyes again which stopped when i was a kid and smart enough to know crying just got us beaten. now it seems to be okay and everyone accepts me when i do lose it or i cry. amazing. serendipity. what will the future bring and will we all be alright. ~jen~

the other life i dream: through the veil

the other life i dream: through the veil
by jen kiley

the other life i dream – timothy crane

she betrayed me. i trusted her and believed in her kindness and charm. what a therapist who made me feel so loved and cared for that i trusted her with my deepest feelings and secrets. i opened up to her more than to anyone else in my life. before this week and before today i felt she was the best therapist i ever had and i have gone through more than 15 maybe less than 20. some threw me out because i wouldn’t comply with their commands like leaving a family that i was living with while in college. they were radical in their lifestyle and my therapist felt they were harming me by exposing me to something different then i was use to like abuse and more abuse. this family loved me. they had a son that i cared for while his parents were always busy with teaching college and managing at ibm. i was not going to give up what was mostly a productive situation in my life that gave me the love i had never experienced from anyone in my childhood except my grandmother but she died when i was a young teenager then there was no one to escape to. she didn’t know what the abusers were doing to me. when i was with her that other world did not exist and even if i wanted to tell her when i was with her i did not remember the other places. that was probably the did/mpd protecting me. but tonight i need to think about my therapist who 2 days before thanksgiving of 2010 abandoned me for more money and a better job. two weeks before our last session she told me she was leaving and the next day i saw her for 1/2 hour session then she went on vacation to a concert. the following week was to be our last two sessions but during the first of those sessions she told me she was cancelling the next day for family reasons and that she didn’t want to put me through any more “torture” than she had already done. for the past 6 plus months i have been in torture. there is an APA Ethics Code rule that does not allow contact between ex-therapist and client for two years. which i feel is a barbaric form of punishment since there was no sexual relationship possible between us and there was no potential of that ever happening. my feelings for her were love but not of a sexual nature. i think though because i was a lesbian she got hung up on that idea and kept bringing it up when ever i would talk about my feelings for her that they might be inappropiate. she was my bloody therapist. we had an intimate relationship. which is not unusual in the therapeutic relationship. the client (me) (us) were trying to be vulnerable to her by letting our barriers down so that we could learn to express our feelings. the word inappropriate always seemed to be stuck in her mind. she should have read the book “in sessions” (which i read after our relationship had been terminated abruptly), it talks about how intense the feelings can be between a therapist and their client. i was so confused back then during our work together. if she had only realized it was normal for me to have strong feelings of attachment, she would have understood what i was going through and would have stopped the hell and my guilt for feeling so dependent and close to her. i mistakenly thought she felt something for me, some sort of closeness. she acted and spoke that way with me. but so cavalier she was when she left me abandoned. when i asked her how she felt, her answer was that she felt great. her new life was before her and what did i matter when all that new money and prestige was going to be hers.

i accidentally ran into her outside of my therapy building in march 2011. (she worked in the building next door and parked her vehicle three car lengths away from mine so i would see it there every time i would go to see my new therapist). i called it serendipity, she called it accidental. she seemed pleased to see me. i asked for a hug. we would always do that at the end of our sessions. i felt distant from her. my guard was up. she asked me if seeing her made me feel grounded. my answer was no that it made me have a realization of reality. meaning i could see the real her. but the moments after she disappeared again from my life, all the hurt feelings rushed back in that i had successfully started to come to deal with. then i felt guilty because i felt like i had hurt her feelings. so for three weeks i sat on how upset meeting her that way made me feel until i finally wrote her a letter and a poem. (she had given permission to my new therapist that i could communicate with her once and awhile so i did that two times, once with a card and the second a letter to tell her how it made me feel her leaving me so suddenly). anyway, when i emailed the attachment of the letter and poem to my new therapist to send to the one who had abandoned us, i asked if she would please forward the attachment. while out chauffeuring my partner around to shop (she had broken her leg and ankle and i am an agoraphobic so this all freaked me out) i called my therapist to ask if she had received the email. she told me yes. i asked if she had sent it out. she said “NO!” and that she wasn’t going to forward it ever. well, my suicidal alter came out and my depressive side of manic-depression reared its head and i spun into the deepest state of depression and suicidal feelings that totally shocked me into silence. i tried to ask why she was doing this to me, that it was an important letter. it didn’t matter what i said she was not going to send the letter and poem forward. i was devastated and almost fired my therapist the next day, instead i just sat in her office during our session and didn’t speak. when i left she said it was up to me if i wanted to continue therapy with her. at that time, NO I DID NOT WANT TO CONTINUE!!! from that moment until this most recent tuesday i pined for my former therapist. i missed her. i went against the rules and sent her a message which i sent to all my friends because my best friend had just died and she was in her thirties. it was sudden and unexpected. once again i was devastated by a loss. a short time later one of my alters wrote a secret identity email to our former therapist trying to tell her that no one was letting us contact her and that it wasn’t because we didn’t care and we told her that “You do ground us __________.” we felt we were being secretive but trying at the same time to protect her by not letting her know who we were, that way she wouldn’t get into trouble. well, this past tuesday at the very beginning of my therapy session the supervisor to her (my new therapist) came in and shut the door. the three of us exchanged pleasantries then the bomb dropped: i was told, “it was against the APA Ethics Code for a therapist and a client to exchange emails.” well, i’d been doing it for over 10 years with three therapists and suddenly it was against the Ethics Code. i told her i had read the Ethics Code and it never mentioned anything about emails and my therapist had given me their email addresses. she said it was a matter of confidentiality. i told her i didn’t care who read my emails that i was a writer and was under an expectation that people i didn’t know would be reading what i write. she still didn’t get it. my therapist agreed with her that the emails must stop, she told me later she wasn’t going to loss her job over this. i told her supervisor in the coarsest language possible that this was b@ll sh@t and i felt that they were living in the dark ages and that this was the days of emails and text messages and networking and that the psychiatric times had just had a virtual seminar discussing as one of its topics using email to communicate better with their clients and/or patients. i told her it was the only way sometimes that i could get out my thoughts and feelings that i needed to discuss in therapy. it didn’t matter to her. i also said i felt i was being singled out and it felt like a conspiracy and that i was not being paranoid. too many weird things had been happening for a while at my counseling center. she finally left and my therapist kept up the lie and it was a lie. she told me i was the only client that was sending email to their therapist. LIE!!! when i got home i called Washington, DC APA and spoke with someone in the Ethics Dept. they told me there was no such rule in their code. she tried to be helpful but said there was nothing that she could do to help me and referred me back to my counseling center. i also called a former co-group therapy friend to ask if she had ever or was still sending emails to her therapists. she said, of course, they gave me their email addresses. next day, i had my partner cancel my therapy appointment. i was way too angry to see my therapist plus my back was in really bad shape and i hadn’t been sleeping very much and i could barely walk. my partner did as i asked and left a message on her voicemail wishing my therapist a great vacation for the next week and if she wanted she could call me before she left for her vacation. in the meantime i ranted and raved and talked to many different people about the insanity of the situation. friday, the phone rang and caller id only said incoming call,(which i hate answering), i said hello but the music was loud on my computer so i couldn’t hear the voice until i turned it down. i repeated my hello and when the other person spoke i realized it was my therapist at the other end of the line. her calls always come in as private caller so was not expecting it at all to be her on the line. she asked how it went at the doctors. i told her i was to get a great deal of rest, take certain extra meds and ice my back. after that it was up to me to speak my mind. i told her i was still angry. (just earlier that day i was calling to find a new therapist, i even spoke to my doctor’s office the day before and that day also). i told her i knew that i was being lied to. somehow we managed to work through some of the anger and then she told me who was behind the ban on emails. it was none other than MY FORMER THERAPIST. it had to do with the emails i sent her. to this very moment i have no idea why that bothered her but it made me come to the realization that i have been living an illusion about her. she is not at all the person i thought and felt she was. i deleted her from my speed dial to my counseling center and put my new therapist’s name where her name once was and i definitely have to change the dedication page of my manuscript and rethink the whole approach to my book based on my relationship to her. how could i be so blind. i even told my partner before i found out it was her. that i had suspected she was behind all of what was happening but i didn’t want to believe it. how could she? she cared about me. why would she want to shut me out totally from her life forever. there’s no going back. it is over. totally over. and i should be devastated but all i feel is anger and contempt for her actions. i just lost my best friend and she had abandoned me in our therapy together so abruptly. it was so easy for her i think now. maybe she never was this gentle and kind and sweet compassionate person i thought she was. it was all a figment of my imagination. i learned to trust her and love her and she BETRAYED ME. how could she do that to me. is she satisfied with herself that she tried to crush all the spirit out of me. my partner made a good point in all our discussions about this matter: that maybe now i can turn all my trust over to my new therapist and really start to connect with her and to forget and leave behind the past and what my former therapist meant to me and see it for the illusion that it really was: a pretend relationship but she was doing the pretending not me. it was real for me. it gave me back my ability to write again and to create again. so pain is at the bottom of some artists souls. i know it feeds mine. i see my new therapist again in 11 days from this moment i am writing this. my first gift to her for her birthday in february was a copy of the song by lady antebellum: “NEED YOU NOW.” the irony is that i sent the present through email.