I just realized when I was on the phone with my therapist today that I haven’t felt depressed or suicidal recently. So I conclude that I have been hypomanic for awhile now. It’s funny how you don’t always notice when you are in the middle of hypomania. I just get over-productive and start up multiple projects. That’s why I haven’t felt sleepy and staying up til after dawn. I haven’t had therapy in a FTF session since a week ago Tuesday.

Pre-therapy day is when I usually go into depression. How this relates to a book a fellow blogger recommeneded, I am not exactly sure? I started writing this as a comment on her blog but then I realized I needed to express myself in my own blog post.

I have been wanting to figure out how to express myself more personally in a more relaxed way while posting the more personal thoughts going through my mind. I thought this would be a good start.

The book in question is Overcoming Bipolar Disorder. It is a workbook with questions to answer. I don’t do workbooks very well. The assignments create anxiety in me. Why, I am not sure. It’s not even any specific subject that causes the anxiety in me. I have tried books with work assignments in the past. From working with writing books that give you exercises to practice how to write on specific topics such as plot or character development. And I used a book in therapy awhile back on working my way through child sexual abuse. I was unsuccessful in filling out those pages with all the blank lines. Each line was like a hidden memory that did not want to show up on those pages. The writing assignments just feel out of context with the way I was feeling. I wanted to read but didn’t want to write on the demands of the book I was reading. Even though it was meant to help me to exercise and expand my writing abilities or to help uncover buried memories and feelings.

I plan on checking this book Overcoming Bipolar Disorder out at amazon to look inside it. If it looks like I can handle doing it, I will work on whether I have the money in my budget to afford it. I have been spending quite a bit lately and need to fill up the coffers again before spending on anything beyond mp3 downloads or inexpensive ebooks for my new Kindle Touch. The book on Amazon.com is $14.78 before shipping and not surprising it is not available in Kindle. Still need to take a look inside but dinner is calling. Will report back on that later after eating and viewing some television.

Which brings me to all that goes on with techno gadgets in my presence. I had a telekinetic meltdown within less than 12 hours of opening the package for my new Kindle Touch. On that day I caused the malfunction of my new laptop keyboard, the DVR, the IExplorer browser and then my new Kindle Touch. My browser had it’s second meltdown of this particular kind. It is always crashing or mini-crashing all the time. But this time it was like in Alice In Wonderland when all the cards come flying out at everyone. Well, in the case of my browser, a particular link starts mass producing its’ webpage by multiplying. It would keep opening new browser windows faster than i could close them. Yesterday, I actually caught up with this mass insanity but the first time it happened I gave up and put the index finger of my right hand on the power button and just held it down until everything went quiet. It was like a mental breakdown. In this case it was a computer malfunction of chaotic insane proportions. I am not paranoid but I do feel that I either have a gremlin or ghost that has possessed all things techno in my life or it really is my energy level when I am in an excitable state of hypomania.

I want to thank bipolarmuse who posted this recommendation. Even if I am unable to write down the answers in the workbook, I can still think them through. And the material found in the book may be just the input of information I need to read about. Right now, I have a stack of books on bipolar that I am working my way through. Adding one more will just be more of a challenge, to work my way through all the information that is available to me. It could all be very therapeutic. i did end up putting the book on my wish list. so i know it’s out there.

My mind is going through some changes right now. Perspectives are changing. I think it is a good thing or I am getting too confident. While talking to my therapist over the phone, I told her that my mind was all over the place and that I was having a difficult time concentrating when i watched tv, whether it was a tv show or a film. Maybe it was from a touch of racing thoughts, too many ideas, or too small a space in time to express them all. She told me that my mind kept being drawn to other things, particularly my computer. Even when I have it on hibernate, it beckons me. We are connected. Like I am plugged into it. There is always something that I want to be doing on it or with it. Calling it an it seems so impersonal. I name my cars, why not my computer. Technically, she/it does have a name. When you set it up they have you give it a name.

On my new Kindle Touch, last night I read a story from a collection of lesbian short stories. One of the characters, Olivia, a lesbian who is part of a couple, gave names to all of the inanimate objects in their home. Well, she decided it was time to do something about Darla. Her wife, Annie, didn’t know who she was talking about or what was wrong. Olivia finally had to tell her she was talking about the bed, their bed. She wanted to have a funeral for the bed. Somehow before the end of the story, the straight neighbors were drawn into the drama. The bed needed to be buried b/c for a long time it had brought the death to their intimate relationship. It had ended it. So a funeral was in order. The neighbor’s wife really got into the whole idea and suggested to her husband that they do the same thing. Her husband didn’t find her comment that humorous. To bring the story to a close, they buried the bed they bought from Sears 15 years ago, which was now the victim of lesbian bed death. Annie asked Olivia if she was going to leave her. Olivia told her that she didn’t want to. Annie suggested, “Let’s go shopping for a new bed. We can start over. Rediscover Ourselves.” The nieghbor’s wife suggested the same thing to her husband. He agreed, also. And she said, “We can bury our bed with Darla.” Annie kissed Olivia. “Let’s go in.” Annie whispered, “We can use Dakota.” “The couch?” the neighbor’s wife asked. “Yep. The couch.”

Now doesn’t that make you want to name inanimate objects that hold a personal interest in your life? It does for me. As I said before, I always name my cars.

I hope I am making sense. I sometimes worry about that. In my head it makes sense but how it comes out, that is the question. I think my mind is going on like this b/c I didn’t think I was going to be seeing my therapist until next Tuesday. So when my s/o told me, as I woke up at 2pm today, that my therapist wanted to see me tomorrow, Thursday, and that I was to call her to confirm. I actually wasn’t prepared for that. So now my mind is having a slight meltdown b/c I wasn’t able to prepare for any of this. Compulsive much. I need to organize obsessively and know what is going on ahead of time, long before anything happens, especially outside of the house. It’s the agoraphobia. No surprises. Always need to be prepared. Are these some of the effects of bipolat or am I just adding a different diagnosis to my collection?

hours ago i wrote the above post and was doing just fine, then life happened to me. i fell off the edge into a deep dark hole. i felt the depth of depression and suicide. where this came from, i am not sure. i did say the day before i see my therapist i always seem to get into a funk. i’ve been productive the whole time i have been feeling like dying. i just wanted to let go. i was collecting old books from online, that were written long before my life and anyone else alive today. shakespeare, at least my favorites, which are most of the plays and the sonnets. what is the matter with me? why does this keep on happening? earlier, my s/o told me that I need some kind of medication b/c I was so high. so happy.