Naming the Inanimate In Your Life
by Jennifer Kiley
I just realized when I was on the phone with my therapist today that I haven’t felt depressed or suicidal recently. So I conclude that I have been hypomanic for awhile now. It’s funny how you don’t always notice when you are in the middle of hypomania. I just get over-productive and start up multiple projects. That’s why I haven’t felt sleepy and staying up til after dawn. I haven’t had therapy in a FTF session since a week ago Tuesday.
Pre-therapy day is when I usually go into depression. How this relates to a book a fellow blogger recommeneded, I am not exactly sure? I started writing this as a comment on her blog but then I realized I needed to express myself in my own blog post.
I have been wanting to figure out how to express myself more personally in a more relaxed way while posting the more personal thoughts going through my mind. I thought this would be a good start.
The book in question is Overcoming Bipolar Disorder. It is a workbook with questions to answer. I don’t do workbooks very well. The assignments create anxiety in me. Why, I am not sure. It’s not even any specific subject that causes the anxiety in me. I have tried books with work assignments in the past. From working with writing books that give you exercises to practice how to write on specific topics such as plot or character development. And I used a book in therapy awhile back on working my way through child sexual abuse. I was unsuccessful in filling out those pages with all the blank lines. Each line was like a hidden memory that did not want to show up on those pages. The writing assignments just feel out of context with the way I was feeling. I wanted to read but didn’t want to write on the demands of the book I was reading. Even though it was meant to help me to exercise and expand my writing abilities or to help uncover buried memories and feelings.
I plan on checking this book Overcoming Bipolar Disorder out at amazon to look inside it. If it looks like I can handle doing it, I will work on whether I have the money in my budget to afford it. I have been spending quite a bit lately and need to fill up the coffers again before spending on anything beyond mp3 downloads or inexpensive ebooks for my new Kindle Touch. The book on Amazon.com is $14.78 before shipping and not surprising it is not available in Kindle. Still need to take a look inside but dinner is calling. Will report back on that later after eating and viewing some television.
Which brings me to all that goes on with techno gadgets in my presence. I had a telekinetic meltdown within less than 12 hours of opening the package for my new Kindle Touch. On that day I caused the malfunction of my new laptop keyboard, the DVR, the IExplorer browser and then my new Kindle Touch. My browser had it’s second meltdown of this particular kind. It is always crashing or mini-crashing all the time. But this time it was like in Alice In Wonderland when all the cards come flying out at everyone. Well, in the case of my browser, a particular link starts mass producing its’ webpage by multiplying. It would keep opening new browser windows faster than i could close them. Yesterday, I actually caught up with this mass insanity but the first time it happened I gave up and put the index finger of my right hand on the power button and just held it down until everything went quiet. It was like a mental breakdown. In this case it was a computer malfunction of chaotic insane proportions. I am not paranoid but I do feel that I either have a gremlin or ghost that has possessed all things techno in my life or it really is my energy level when I am in an excitable state of hypomania.
I want to thank bipolarmuse who posted this recommendation. Even if I am unable to write down the answers in the workbook, I can still think them through. And the material found in the book may be just the input of information I need to read about. Right now, I have a stack of books on bipolar that I am working my way through. Adding one more will just be more of a challenge, to work my way through all the information that is available to me. It could all be very therapeutic. i did end up putting the book on my wish list. so i know it’s out there.
My mind is going through some changes right now. Perspectives are changing. I think it is a good thing or I am getting too confident. While talking to my therapist over the phone, I told her that my mind was all over the place and that I was having a difficult time concentrating when i watched tv, whether it was a tv show or a film. Maybe it was from a touch of racing thoughts, too many ideas, or too small a space in time to express them all. She told me that my mind kept being drawn to other things, particularly my computer. Even when I have it on hibernate, it beckons me. We are connected. Like I am plugged into it. There is always something that I want to be doing on it or with it. Calling it an it seems so impersonal. I name my cars, why not my computer. Technically, she/it does have a name. When you set it up they have you give it a name.
On my new Kindle Touch, last night I read a story from a collection of lesbian short stories. One of the characters, Olivia, a lesbian who is part of a couple, gave names to all of the inanimate objects in their home. Well, she decided it was time to do something about Darla. Her wife, Annie, didn’t know who she was talking about or what was wrong. Olivia finally had to tell her she was talking about the bed, their bed. She wanted to have a funeral for the bed. Somehow before the end of the story, the straight neighbors were drawn into the drama. The bed needed to be buried b/c for a long time it had brought the death to their intimate relationship. It had ended it. So a funeral was in order. The neighbor’s wife really got into the whole idea and suggested to her husband that they do the same thing. Her husband didn’t find her comment that humorous. To bring the story to a close, they buried the bed they bought from Sears 15 years ago, which was now the victim of lesbian bed death. Annie asked Olivia if she was going to leave her. Olivia told her that she didn’t want to. Annie suggested, “Let’s go shopping for a new bed. We can start over. Rediscover Ourselves.” The nieghbor’s wife suggested the same thing to her husband. He agreed, also. And she said, “We can bury our bed with Darla.” Annie kissed Olivia. “Let’s go in.” Annie whispered, “We can use Dakota.” “The couch?” the neighbor’s wife asked. “Yep. The couch.”
Now doesn’t that make you want to name inanimate objects that hold a personal interest in your life? It does for me. As I said before, I always name my cars.
I hope I am making sense. I sometimes worry about that. In my head it makes sense but how it comes out, that is the question. I think my mind is going on like this b/c I didn’t think I was going to be seeing my therapist until next Tuesday. So when my s/o told me, as I woke up at 2pm today, that my therapist wanted to see me tomorrow, Thursday, and that I was to call her to confirm. I actually wasn’t prepared for that. So now my mind is having a slight meltdown b/c I wasn’t able to prepare for any of this. Compulsive much. I need to organize obsessively and know what is going on ahead of time, long before anything happens, especially outside of the house. It’s the agoraphobia. No surprises. Always need to be prepared. Are these some of the effects of bipolat or am I just adding a different diagnosis to my collection?
hours ago i wrote the above post and was doing just fine, then life happened to me. i fell off the edge into a deep dark hole. i felt the depth of depression and suicide. where this came from, i am not sure. i did say the day before i see my therapist i always seem to get into a funk. i’ve been productive the whole time i have been feeling like dying. i just wanted to let go. i was collecting old books from online, that were written long before my life and anyone else alive today. shakespeare, at least my favorites, which are most of the plays and the sonnets. what is the matter with me? why does this keep on happening? earlier, my s/o told me that I need some kind of medication b/c I was so high. so happy.
i don’t want meds. since getting rid of them, my body is getting back to normal. i like being high but i almost hate being depressed. i was listening to Amy Winehouse, Adele, Whitney Houston, Classical, Lifehouse, Josh Groban and an assortment of other songs. i kept thinking about dying or being dead. this is way too drastic. if going to therapy makes me feel this way, what would happen if i didn’t go. was i actually happy at the thought of not having to go and rip open my insides. i received great news this week. it made me feel incredibly high. so what knocked me off the mountain top? i can’t say any more. i need to go to bed. it’s 4am and i need to get out of bed by 11am. let’s see what happens tomorrow.
I would be more than happy to take a few pictured of the inside of the book if you would like.
Maybe you get anxious and depressed about seeing your therapist because you know you have to face things that you do not want to relive.
You are not on any meds?? May I ask if you are Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2??
bipolar II – depression & hypomania & suicidal ideation. yeah, going to therapy takes it out of me. i never know how i am going to do. i usually speed thru appts. racing thoughts. talking so f-ing fast. quiet as can be in waiting room. also on my 2nd appt of the week on thursdays there is this woman who suddenly has the same appt time w/ her therapist @2pm. i really don’t want to see her. it is beyond uncomfortable. i am not paranoid but i feel like she is invading my brain & intruding into my life. she gets my s/o to do things for her all the time. i got home from therapy and my s/o was leaving to pick her up. it is a matter of betrayal with her. so that doesn’t help going out of the house & going to my sessions. today i had to vent about being angry re: woman & s/o + about feeling extremely depressed & suicidal the night before. i went so far down. now i am up again. not sleepy at all but it after dawn. should sleep. i would love it f you could take some prints from inside of book. that would be great. thank you. well sleep is calling. peace , jen
I will look for the book to get pics. I am in the middle of packing and moving so it may be hard to find. LOL. But once I find it, I will do that for you.
What was your therapists thoughts about how you feel right before coming to your sessions??
ah, moving. hope you aren’t doing it yourself. last time we moved–many years ago, we vowed we would have someone do it for us. it is such a pain. hope it goes smoothly. get ready to make pathways through and around the boxes. take your time finding the pics. i can wait. just got a new Kindle Touch & the other night i downloaded over 21 pages of free ebooks. out-of-print literature & popular books throughout time.
your question about my therapist is hard to answer. i tell her about feeling depressed & suicidal but she doesn’t really react b/c by the time i get to my session i am in a hypomanic state. she tries to get me to go deep inside to find the source but it must be something awful b/c i avoid it like crazy. those buried feelings and memories scare the sh@t out of me. i’ve felt a lot of emotional pain over the past 1 1/2 yrs & i don’t want to feel that way again. but i know in therapy one has to do the work. i am working on controlling my behavior of losing it — in the angry or irritable sense. certain things in my life are making me feel so angry. i have a short fuse that gets set off so easily. it comes on so fast. i feel really happy and then snap—watch out for me. i wouldn’t want to be on the other side of my dr. hyde. your questions makes me want to find out the answer. i will point blank ask my therapist what exactly she thinks about my telling her i get so deeply depressed and suisidal before i see her. what is that all about.
how soon are you moving? definitely good luck on that. jen
Thank you Jen. More than half my belongings have made it to Vegas… where I am moving. The rest will be moved either next week or the 1st week of July. Fortunately I do not have very much to move.
I am very excited though and can’t wait.
You can even get a free wordpress app. 
Isn’t the kind fire amazing?? I have one too and downloaded a bunch of free books as well.
Vegas it is. how exciting. you have the fire. i went for the touch. it does let you access FB & twitter. not sure it has the same capabilities as fire. that’s cool, though. are you able to post a blog post from fire? i recently read that wordpress has a way of sending a pot via email. now when i told my s/o she said enough is enough with all this techno stuff. she likes it but started out as a Luddite-hating any technology but i got her started on HBO & electric typewriter. then computer in 1985. email then the internet. and actually she set it up so i could go online. i was going through a bit of an emotional & mental breakdown of sorts at the time. she thought that would help me to focus. i loved th internet. that was in 1996. it bearly existed. i’m not even sure if yahoo had started yet. there were search engines. but talk about primitive. there was bearly anything to search for. i did find free books online even back then. that was my favorite site to visit. it’s not like you could really download anything. our first computer didn’t even have a harddrive or ram. you used DOS. digital operating system. all on 5 1/2 floppy where you had to keep changing them back and forth. that was crazy. i love techno gadgets. have forever. 1st IBM electric typewriter i used i 1971. lived with a family. my psychology professor’s husband was general manager at IBM. anyway i love my Kindle Touch. it was a early birthday present along with my new laptop computer which i received a two mos ago. i destroy electronics on a regular basis. so this wordpress app-only good for the Fire? oh, i got your message on the DSM5. will answer that this weekend. want to do a bit more research. would like to sound out on you some of my thoughts. isn’t it fun to download free ebooks. in two days i think i DL over 175. when i set my mind to it. what can i say. it’s that compulsive energy streak. take care. <3 jen
Yea… the Fire has apps that you can download, much like the smartphones… and wordpress is one of the free apps you can use. It allows you to create new posts, reply to comments, see your site stats. I still prefer using the regular ol’ computer but in a pinch it makes for a good tool.
I remember that my first computer was ridiculously expensive and didn’t even have 1 gig of memory. LOL. Boy things have changed…
thank goodness techno has changed the computer. i felt i spent ore time changing floppy discs than using the computer. and the first writing program. how primitive. micosoft office made it look like you were doing cave drawings. the difference is so amazing. our first computer we charged through Sears. by the time we paid it off with all the interest and monthly payments it ended up costing about $3,000 dollar for an $875 dollars computer. i woke up early that morning & told my s/oicouldn’t stop thinking about buying a computer. i just had to have it. we had just bought an IBM at the place i worked. i tried it & that is when the addiction started. my love affair with the computer & the techno world. i keep adding techno gadgets to my acquired goodies. i am so into my kindle touch. i have so many books that i am reading. a story for you. it makes me look silly. but i happened to download a new book from amazon. at some point i opened it & began reading. well 3 chapters in i needed to get some sleep but made a note in my head that i didn’t even know the title of the book or it’s author when i turned off my kindle. next day i am in the waiting room of a clinic for some tests & to see one of my doctors. i felt i had some time so i decided to organize my 39 pages of books into collections i had created. so i did that for awhile. then went in for my blood test. then waited for the nurse to come get from the waitng room to check my vitals & get current meds. etc. all through this i am stopping nd starting to organize my kindle. now i finally see the doctor. he has good news. blood work look great. all things were improving. we chatted about medical things then he left & i waited for my B-12 shot. that’s when it hit me- what was the name of the book i was reading last night. i knew it was about a woman who use to write horror books. her husband was murdered & everyone thought she did it but she was never charged. she lived in the Victorian house were the murder occurred & there was definitely a haunting going on in that house. i had this knowledge to go on. so i thought i just might have put it in paranormal or possibly fantasy. i looked for this book. i had no clue of even one word of the title. short term memory loss sucks. i checked the insides of many books but nothing. then i opened this book titled “i can’t think of it now” and sure enough it was the right book. i put it in the collection “actively reading”…beginning of the alphabet. also easy to find the books i am reading now. it’s getting use to the kindle. i doesn’t have the title at the top of the page unless you touch in a certain place which i didn’t know about. i do now. now how ridiculous is that to not know what book you are reading. i have over 260 books in my libary already and i don’t know them very well yet. lots of reading. anyway, downloading free kindle books is my way of spending & satisfying the addiction but then you have all these books you know nothing about. so there you have it. find out & try to remember the name of your book before you start reading it. i have since started reading another book. it is quite good AWAKEN. totally cool book. total surprise premise. love it. i love reading lots of books at the same time. it’s fun. take care, jen
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