Love and Belonging
By Jennifer Kiley
Using the Universal “WE,” do “WE” deserve to feel Love and Belonging? I asked my s/o what her answer would be? She said, “YES!” Now I prefaced the question by adding the following examples of people: Jeffrey Dalmer, John Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Jack the Ripper, the Boston Strangler or Sandusky or Priests who sexually abuse children, Pedophiles, Adolph Hitler, Dr. Mengele, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Jim Jones, Torque Mada (the head of the Spanish Inquisition: that mother f@#ker), and any other person who executed acts of utter brutality. She still said “Yes” but qualitfied it by stating: “if thay had Love and a sense of Belonging they may never have developed into the monsters they became.
The poster I found is quite moving. When I was a child I did not have a sense of Love or Belonging. That came later in my life but I am very insecure about it’s existance and need reinforcement and reminded fairly frequently that I am worthy; that I deserve to be loved and that I am loved. Now I am learning what Love and Belonging really is. When you don’t receive it as a child or you may receive it but only partially from your grandmother who gives it on a part time basis because your mother doesn’t like that you have that relationship at all. Then you lose that one connection to love and a sense of meaning and belonging at least to one person, when she dies when you are still a child. That’s when you learn how to wander and the abusers just up the score on their abuse. No one to escape to any longer. You can’t even call her or imagine running away to her house even though the only way to her house you know is on the thruway.
I am finding love now in my life but every time I start feeling love inside of me, it becomes a frightening feeling. Somehow as i was growing, all the abuse in my life made me come up with the notion that whenever I feel love, I feel that I am being bad. I associate Love with the abuse. Logically, abuse is bad, sexual abuse is bad, being sexual is the way that Love was shown to me. Sex means Love. Sex is bad. Love means sex. Love is bad. Being sexual is bad. Loving someone is bad. It is logical but the logic is flawed. The physical contact that came from the abusers was not Love, it was sexual abuse and physical abuse. all of the abuses. I need to relearn the effects of what the abusers did to me. I need to realize that Love does not have anything to do with sex. Sex is separate. I need to relearn what Love is. I need to understand what Belonging is and what it feels like. I have some good people in my life who are teaching me. I am more able to give love than I am to receive Love, even though that is what I need to learn how to accept.
My therapist is working really hard to help me understand all of this. When you have role models from Hell, you don’t know what it feels like to Love and Belong. It was only those small moments of time where I received a glimpse of what Love and Belonging is. My grandmother, in her way, saved my life, by being there in those short bursts of time. just long enough to register deep inside of me, a sense of Love and Belonging.
I haven’t been the easiet person to live with but my family today made up of people that I care about and who care about me, show patience with how I am and how I am growing. They know I have been working hard in therapy since I was a teenager, trying to heal from the destructiveness and buried wounds of my childhood. It’s no surprise that I struggle with my feelings every moment of every day to make sure they are right or the way that they should be. I am real but it is difficult. I am honest and that can cause pain not just for me. there are many people for whom i have deep feelings of love. I think they know who they are. I try to express those feelings as I am able to. My therapist really helps me out with working through the confusion. I don’t always understand what Love is or how to express it. It is a learning process that I continue working on. I have some great people in my life who are so supportive and understanding. They accept me as I am and give their love so generously.
I was only planning on posting this poster and writing a few words. My exhaustion from the past few days being involved in a most exciting adventure, shut down my creative mind and I believe that my muse or muses were taking the night off. I kept falling asleep at the keyboard. The only creative thing I could do last night was to buy books for my kindle. most of them were from collections written ages ago or those that were for publicity to buy other books by the same author. I did consider buying “The Writer’s Notebook” by W. Sommerset Maugham. It seemed like a great motivational tool but I’m putting it on hold until I read some of his novels and short stories that I downloaded.
The best part of yesterday was purchasing a book that I waited for what seemed like a long time. It wasn’t available when I first went to buy it except if i was willing to pay $450 for it. My next step was to try to acquire it through interlibrary loan. The librarian got back to me through a post card with a disappointing replay of “no they were unable to find access to it.” Well, the reviews at amazon.com were all 5 star reviews that praised the book. It sounded just like the kind of book that are among my favorite subjects. Yesterday, Sunday June 24th 2012, the book was being re-released in the US. After some anxious moments, I was finally able to download the book to my kindle. The Title and Author are: “The Coming of the Feminine Christ” and was written by Dr. Niamh Clune. If you look back into my archives I wrote up a review of her writing the books: “Orange Petals in a Storm” and “Every Child is Entitled to Innocence.” “Touching Angels” is the name of the post. For “The Coming of the Feminine Christ” in the US click on the title of the book. (there has been a temporary clinch 6.26.12 in the avaliability of this book. when it has been made available again i will issue the new link to amazon.com & this message will be removed). These books and Niamh Clune’s music have helped me to keep everything as close to under control as is possible for me.
And today through July 8th, I have my favorite Tennis Tournament recording on my DVR daily, Wimbledon. My favorite tennis players won today: Roger Federer, Novak Djokovic and Kim Cjlisters. I was sorry to see Venus Williams go out in the first round but it was good to see her health allowed her to be back on the court. In the News Conference later the press tried to get her to feel bad about what happened today, but Venus kept herself positive. She was not about to let them bring her down. Good for her.
So my life, my creativity, my bipolar and my feelings of love and belonging keep me in wonderment all of the time. I never really know what is going to happen in the next moment. So, I just live in the moment and try to go with the flow.
Take a good, long look at this poster. It made me feel quite moved by the artist who designed it. It brought up all that I have written, after I thought my muse and my creativity had stalled out on me.
At the bottom I am going to post a video that was made with mystical sounds and with words from a section of the book “The Coming of the Feminine Christ.” It moved me beyond words. Using ear buds hooked into your computer made it a total surrounding experience.
The Angel In the Forrest Video v3
Excerpt from “The Coming of the Feminine Christ”