“If it weren’t for Edison, we’d be watching TV by candlelight.” ~George Gobol~

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.” ~Mark Twain~

“People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven’t got what they want that they don’t want it.” ~Ogden Nash~

“I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.”

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” ~Ellen DeGeneres~

“Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste”

“If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.”

“It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.”

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
~Ernest Hemingway~

“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in there? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” ~Sue Murphy~

“If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.” ~Dave Allen~

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” ~Carl Gustav Jung~ (Wait for it…Just wait for it. I didn’t get it at first. Read it again. There you go—Got It!)

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.”

“Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.”

“What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?”

“In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment.”

“Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.”

“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”
~William S. Burroughs~

“Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.”

“Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?”

“As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.” ~Hell’s angels~ (Quite Philosophically Profound.)

“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’” ~Demetri Martin~

“Microsoft bought Skype for 8,5 billions!…what a bunch of idiots! I downloaded it for free!”

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”

“Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.”

“Now, Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“So you were gone until you returned?” (Questions lawyers ask in court.)

“I don’t have a license to kill. I have learners permit!”

“Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.”

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’” ~Bruce Baum~ (A Real Stoner Moment.)

“God grant me the serenity to accept that some people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.”

“Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition!”

“Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing?” ~James Roday~ (Another SToner Quote.)

“There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.”

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” ~G K Chesterton~

“Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.” ~Mae West~

“Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.”

“I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.”

“Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?”

“Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.” ~Albert Einstein~

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~Robert McCloskey~

“I’m afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.” ~Woody Allen~

“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.”

“My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.”

“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” ~James Thurber~

“When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.”

“A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.” ~Steven Wright~

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” ~Mark Twain~

“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” ~George Burns~

“To err is human, to arr is pirate.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
~Henny Youngman~

“Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?”

“I’ve met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.”
~Ambrose Bierce~

Josh Groban: Smile

“Smile” Charlie Chaplin with Lyrics: Nat King Cole