You Keep Me From Falling Apart
The Secret Keeper
I can’t go on feeling this way. One minute I am excited about feeling love and in the splitting of a second I want to die, to commit suicide. My curser was on the button to push the suicide hotline chat on line call IAMAlive. I just couldn’t do it. The person I love is so generous but she is so busy right now that I cannot add my feelings to her burden. Nothing matters now. I just want to let go and stop causing pain for anyone else and for myself.
Feeling suicidal is such a low feeling. It is so deep inside of the darkness of wanting to let go of life. Needing people is a bad thing for me to feel. It just fucks with my mind. I want to be in touch with the person I love but I am afraid for her to know how deeply I love her. She has changed my life but I am so fucked up I can not live up to what she thinks I am capable of doing. My brain doesn’t work that way. I lose my way too easily and then I am no good for no one. Who wants to love someone so unstable. Yes, I used the word. Does that satisfy my former friend who thought I wasn’t stable enough to be her friend because I just did not want to talk to her on the phone. I would get lost in a project and forget to call her. My mind made me forget. We knew it would turn into a bad conversation that would be too disturbing. She last told me that the woman I live with had an affair with a bitch who wanted to destroy my family.
How am I suppose to take that? The person that I love and only recently got to know I am feeling such intense feelings for her. She is not forcing me to feel this way. I am feeling this way freely. She is such a special person but I miss her. We do have quite intense contact but I lose the contact so easily when I feel the doubt. I lose the contact or I am afraid of it. That I am not good enough. That I want too much. She is too generous to me. It is better to die then to purlong the torture. I don’t want to hurt her.
What do I do? I just want to let go of all the pain and feeling so isolated from the world I do not want to belong to. I do want her to be part of my life. I am so tired. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up in the morning. If I say that out loud inside of my head will it make it happen. On the other side I am so afraid of suicide because it brings on death and I am afraid of dying when I get past the feelings of the need to commit suicide.
This is a test of the strength of my feelings. I want to commit suicide and then I write about it. It is real at the time but the feeling is being ridden out. I am feeling less likely to do it tonight. It is like playing Russian Roulette. One bullet and will the gun shot a blank tonight, Tonight it was a blank temporarily. Writing is the only way I know of getting out of the state of suicidal depression.
Sleep the best medicine and maybe writing a poem and a letter to the person I have such strong feelings for to let them know I am doing better and have ridden this on out again. “I keep passing the open windows.” Thanks John Irving for that phrase. It always helps to remember it.
SUICIDE SUCKS. FEELING SUICIDAL SUCKS TOO. BIPOLAR SUCKS. I MADE IT THROUGH TONIGHT BUT IT WASN’T EASY. I WASN’T ABLE TO CHAT ON THE IAMALIVE SITE. I CAN’T SEEM TO GET MYSELF TO CALL ANYONE. I DID WRITE A LETTER TO THE PERSON I HAVE THE STRONG FEELINGS FOR BUT SHE WASN’T ABLE TO RETURN AN ANSWER TO MY EMAIL. SHE WAS BUSY. I COULDN’T CALL ANY SUICIDE HOTLINES. I HAVE TO WORK ON DOING THAT. WELL I AM GOING TO BED AND WRITE AND READ AND SNUGGLE WITH ONE OF MY CATS.
Maybe after I wake up tomorrow, later today I will write a note to my psychotherapist. It doesn’t help that I’ve lost 50% of my time with her for the next month. I really need her now.
I am listening to Garrett Hedlund singing Timing Is Everything. It is all about Serendipity.
WELL I MADE IT THROUGH TONIGHT. I think I will try to include Garrett on this post. He is very inspiring. Goodnight to all those who read this note. ~the secret keeper~ ps. thanks ma for everything. you were so special to me with all your abuse. you made me feel great about myself.
(go to :30 to start music)