You Keep Me From Falling Apart
Triggering(WARNING)
The Secret Keeper
I can’t go on feeling this way. One minute I am excited about feeling love and in the splitting of a second I want to die, to commit suicide. My curser was on the button to push the suicide hotline chat on line call IAMAlive. I just couldn’t do it. The person I love is so generous but she is so busy right now that I cannot add my feelings to her burden. Nothing matters now. I just want to let go and stop causing pain for anyone else and for myself.
Feeling suicidal is such a low feeling. It is so deep inside of the darkness of wanting to let go of life. Needing people is a bad thing for me to feel. It just fucks with my mind. I want to be in touch with the person I love but I am afraid for her to know how deeply I love her. She has changed my life but I am so fucked up I can not live up to what she thinks I am capable of doing. My brain doesn’t work that way. I lose my way too easily and then I am no good for no one. Who wants to love someone so unstable. Yes, I used the word. Does that satisfy my former friend who thought I wasn’t stable enough to be her friend because I just did not want to talk to her on the phone. I would get lost in a project and forget to call her. My mind made me forget. We knew it would turn into a bad conversation that would be too disturbing. She last told me that the woman I live with had an affair with a bitch who wanted to destroy my family.
How am I suppose to take that? The person that I love and only recently got to know I am feeling such intense feelings for her. She is not forcing me to feel this way. I am feeling this way freely. She is such a special person but I miss her. We do have quite intense contact but I lose the contact so easily when I feel the doubt. I lose the contact or I am afraid of it. That I am not good enough. That I want too much. She is too generous to me. It is better to die then to purlong the torture. I don’t want to hurt her.
What do I do? I just want to let go of all the pain and feeling so isolated from the world I do not want to belong to. I do want her to be part of my life. I am so tired. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up in the morning. If I say that out loud inside of my head will it make it happen. On the other side I am so afraid of suicide because it brings on death and I am afraid of dying when I get past the feelings of the need to commit suicide.
This is a test of the strength of my feelings. I want to commit suicide and then I write about it. It is real at the time but the feeling is being ridden out. I am feeling less likely to do it tonight. It is like playing Russian Roulette. One bullet and will the gun shot a blank tonight, Tonight it was a blank temporarily. Writing is the only way I know of getting out of the state of suicidal depression.
Sleep the best medicine and maybe writing a poem and a letter to the person I have such strong feelings for to let them know I am doing better and have ridden this on out again. “I keep passing the open windows.” Thanks John Irving for that phrase. It always helps to remember it.
SUICIDE SUCKS. FEELING SUICIDAL SUCKS TOO. BIPOLAR SUCKS. I MADE IT THROUGH TONIGHT BUT IT WASN’T EASY. I WASN’T ABLE TO CHAT ON THE IAMALIVE SITE. I CAN’T SEEM TO GET MYSELF TO CALL ANYONE. I DID WRITE A LETTER TO THE PERSON I HAVE THE STRONG FEELINGS FOR BUT SHE WASN’T ABLE TO RETURN AN ANSWER TO MY EMAIL. SHE WAS BUSY. I COULDN’T CALL ANY SUICIDE HOTLINES. I HAVE TO WORK ON DOING THAT. WELL I AM GOING TO BED AND WRITE AND READ AND SNUGGLE WITH ONE OF MY CATS.
Maybe after I wake up tomorrow, later today I will write a note to my psychotherapist. It doesn’t help that I’ve lost 50% of my time with her for the next month. I really need her now.
I am listening to Garrett Hedlund singing Timing Is Everything. It is all about Serendipity.
WELL I MADE IT THROUGH TONIGHT. I think I will try to include Garrett on this post. He is very inspiring. Goodnight to all those who read this note. ~the secret keeper~ ps. thanks ma for everything. you were so special to me with all your abuse. you made me feel great about myself.
Timing Is Everything-Garrett Hedlund
(go to :30 to start music)
“Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I’ve a call.” ~Sylvia Plath~
We’ve gone through the ideations a lot too. Fortunately now days they come up more as conversations with our T-Doc more than acting out/hospitalized. The only thing I can say qualifiably is that the process of going through it comes from difficulty that our core has in coping. So, when we get to that point, we’ve self-trained ourselves to ask, how can we take some pressure off. I’m thinking that whatever else you are going through losing time with the T is not helping. The basic question becomes … how can we be nicer to ourselves. I love the idea of writing out our problems (and solutions). You are a good communicator too! Keep writing!
Our best,
Anns
We are still trying to figure out the triggers. It seems that when we feel this way it follows when we feel too good or are feeling too happy. That’s when the world comes crashing down. We were lucky today that when we called to leave a voicemail for out T she just happened to answer the phone. We talked for a bit. She was reassuring. I also spoke with the important people in our life who made us feel special and when I felt they would be so angry with me. They weren’t that way at all, just the opposite. I love that you wrote a response to my post. it means a lot to me. Your kind words were really supportive. Thank you for what you said about my writing. The writing really does seem to pull me through. And I will keep on writing. You said all the right things for me to hear. You are so kind. Jennifer
We’ve seen the kind of rapid cycling that you are talk about. It’s like we get exuberant – and then even the positive “real strong feelings” get overwhelming and we start to flounder. Our system doesn’t always know how to calm itself down safely. I’m glad you got ahold of your T. Those times are blessed!
Oh my gosh thanks for “seeing us” here too! I’m like so major into verbal and written communication. And, I think that we all have a piece or two of the “big puzzle.” Your words are as important as any other out there. It’s a gift when people connect.
We’ll be back, but I want you to know too that we’re aggregating information from multiples too … We want to do so many positive things with the DID/MPD “News.” We’ll never quote anything suicidal, but we’ve experienced this so many times before that I can’t help feeling your load in nothing less than a supportive for your well-health space.
I think sometimes it is the isolation that hurts most. We’re real people and so are you! You deserve the best!
Always our best,
Anns
http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com
http://newsdidmpdgooglesearch.blogspot.com
Thank you. I have all sorts of activity going on inside my head. Sometimes we are a we and sometimes we are and I. It all fluctuates. Just like my bipolar moods. then rapid mood swings are happening all the time. I think I am alright and i am locked into a good place and smack right in the face and I fall over again into the abyss. I’m fighting it now. It is like an isolation but i have live creatures all around me and people that I write to and my blog and I live with another woman. I do therapy but as you said losing 50% of your time can set you off. she did sat i coulduld unofficially email her. I want to be strong but i always seem to come close but then lose it. i know a lot about DID/MPD. I read every book on it up to a certain time in the past. Now i am more into investigating bipolar. that seems to be the dominant effective cause of what’s happening to me now. But who knows what the influences are. I think what i need to do is to get into writing more of the fiction-like my screenplay. it’s romantic and sad and funny and paranormal, that happened after we started to write it. I need diversion. i may be having one happening really soon. i think i can take on the responsibility. let’s try to keep in touch. I like connecting with you. i’m jen or jennifer
She is NEVER too busy for you. You need to tell her when you feel this way.
I believe I know that now. She may on occasion need to remind me. I think that when I spoke with her that I promised to tell when I feel this way. If I didn’t make it clear I will make sure to tell her the next time we communicate. Right now I am listening to a radio show I downloaded that just played the song “Bridge Over Troubled Waters.” I love this song. She dedicated this song and “Imagine” sung by my favorite all time male singer ever John Lennon, to me. How could one not figure out that that was an act of someone who cares for me and knows me and loves me. I hope she knows how special this made and makes me feel. “Imagine” just came on. I would say this is my favorite song of all time, also. I’ve probably heard this over a thousand or more times and I never stop loving to hear John singing it. It always gives me the chills all over my body. John’s dream is my dream, also. I sure wish he were still alive today. Yoko Ono follows me on Twitter. When I found that out I was blown away.
I was blessed today, I got to speak to my friend. It was so good to hear her voice. I was so afraid that she would be upset and angry with me but she wasn’t. She is so understanding. How have I been so lucky to have a friend like her. She is such a special person. You would really love her. Well, I need to create an uplifting post. After this one, I am sure that those who like to read my blog might be wondering what the hell is going on. Thank you for what you said: “She is NEVER too busy for you. You need to tell her when you feel this way.” These words are very special and powerful. I really hear what they mean. You made sure the NEVER stood out. When I feel those doubts I will remember your words and I will let her know what I am feeling. I’ll even let her know when I am feeling good, also. That’s what Friends are for. She is a very special Friend to me. Thank you very much for what you wrote. A.L. Jennifer
I broke my promise, I just couldn’t tell her when I was feeling overwhelmed by all of the emotions confusing my mind. She knows now. Her reaching out to me helped me find the courage to talk about it and I was able to let go of the down side of bipolar. I know it is only temporary that the dark side is sleeping right now but I think I understand I can reach out without fear and she will be there, I don’t have to fear needing her. It’s like the song lyrics in “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” she eased my mind. I think she knows that she has such a strong effect on me. I just need to let myself be cared about, the good feelings as well as the painful. With me anyway they can get painful. I’m going to work on that insecurity and doubt that fills my head with a false sense of reality. She knows I care. I woud do anything for her. I want the best for her. J
One of the things we all need to learn is how to be emotionally competent. We have all been taught to be in denial of anger, despair, sorrow and to value only light and love and joy. Obviously, we all prefer to feel the latter. But distress emotion cannot be managed well if it is not equally respected. We learn to walk in the middle, maintaining poise. And there are some emotions over which we have no control. We are swept away by them. So we learn to swim!
Such a brilliant diatribe lost to the whims of the computer genie. It steals my words once again. It should be expected by now that I will lose that which might be called brilliant in words that have formed in my mind and ,made it to paper. But it is gone and no one shall read what it was I was trying to communincate.
Emotions not respected by the social population for fear that they might have to be real and face the truth of their inner being. I wish I could deny what transpires in my emotions. I am happy and then I am stolen by the demons from the dark side. They capture me when I am vulnerable with happiness. Joy and love seem to draw them in to steal me away from my place of contentment or satisfaction. I must be pushished for being so bold as to feel the pleasures of good feelings and high moments of inspiration. I have an idea that might just work but before I can enjoy the thrill of my minds discovery, the demons steal my soul away to the darkest of dungeons to suffer the feelings of death calling me to its chamber. I am lost too much in the chaos that I forget how to escape it’s hold.
Only one knows how to break the curse that a friend of the devil cursed me with on the day of my birth. I am familiar with its workings but it always sneaks up on me with surprises of imprisoning my love and feelings of joy and replacing with chaos and confusion.
Am I meant to be cursed from the dead long after I have been rid of her from my life. I am lost in another time and sense doesn’t make sense of my thoughts and as far feelngs they are disappearing from my site, escaping where they are causing so much pain even if they are good and should not punish me. Love and joy are poison to me. They lead to the tortures of the Spainis Inquisition. They want truth and will not beleive what it is I feel, which is love. The want me to deny the goodness in my heart and to die knowing I am loved as a punishment for being bad. For love is punished by the torture of wanting suicide to visit in your mind. It is a just punishmet for someone who was hated from the day of her birth.
She wants to drive me into madness so no one will believe my truth and the help I need will be denied. I will drive everyone away. I shall die alone. I am being punished for having a great idea because it made me feel promise for a possible change in the future of hope.
I think I am mad as a hatter, that is why I love the character so much, he fits me well. And being down the rabbit hole is so familiar for I fave fallen down many times. The red queen is all to familiar with me and I with her.
Is this a reaching out for help or just a mad rant about crime and punihsment. love verses pain. Decipher this message as you will. I am too confused by its madness.
When you come to the part in my book entitled The Negative Mother…you will understand one of the most significant and dangerous of our collective complexes.
I wrote a response but I wsn’t in my own mind when I wrote that. Did the music go great? I agree with you on the emotions. People tend to reject any emotion that makes them feel uncomfotable. They prefer the status quo. Genteel behavior. Don’t make a fuss. You are not suppost to weird amongst company. Goddess, it you are so different that you aren’t like everyone else. I believe we should learn to express our emotions. Have a good balance of all of them. Therapy helps. I use to be so silent before I started thaerapy when I was 19. I didn;t speak to anyone. no really. I was extremely shy and introverted. the biposr brings out my outgoing self but reverts back to shyness otherwise. What do you make of what I said earlier. That’s if you have the time to even think. Your mind must be terribel exhausted also. jennifer