creation of time and space

creation of time and space
by jennifer kiley
9.29.12

green world after global

creation of time and space
by jennifer kiley
9.29.12

struggling
with regaining
something that
has been alive
inside
but taken
by others
who are
and were
soul stealers
i’ve known
too many

was broken
into
submission
a dangerous position
submit to
acceptance
not a choice
forced
into it
difficult
to break free
from
prison
no freedom
no identity
just obedience

In college
drugs
booze
an illusion
was created
control
had been
banished
for a time
lived
in both worlds
identity
student
filled the needs

eventually
forced back
into slavery
controlling bosses
every fiber
fought them
finally one
succeeded
trapped by
emotional vampire

wrote
free time
worked
breathed
animals
during off time
groups
and therapy
but trapped
an emotionally
destructive
diatribe
gradually
undermined beliefs
in self
abilities
every good
about self
stolen
the soul
in pieces
until
it had
vanished

fought like hell
it was futile
had to
back away
that day
the soul
the self
the identity
gone
ever since
worked
to find
the scattered
parts
to
regain

exhausted
the struggle
psychological
well-being
withdrew
into seclusion
stepping out
from behind
the curtain
now
forward
retreat
check
chess board
decide
pieces safest
then those
willing to
challenge
say checkmate

the real self
is emerging
becoming butterfly
cocoon slipping
away
emerging
from
the chrysalis
ready to fly
to touch
flowers
delicately
spread
essence
create beauty
in an
uncertain world
changing into
unidentifiable entity

must create
spatial existence
establish dreams
in a world
that will accept
growth
move away
from the toxins
unhealthy
environments
people
who drag down
into stagnant
repetitive
non-existence
shed remains
of previous world
need no longer
enter into
a new
creation
of time
and space

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

Tom Waits-All the World is Green

Do You Cry?

the secret keeper:


The image from Alice in Wonderland speaks about why emotions are suppressed and why going to the place of pain is so avoided. Once you begin releasing the tears or feeling the pain you may not be sure it will stop or maybe the control will be lost and the flood of tears will fill all the space around you. Crying was easy for me when I was a very small child but I was forced to stop by an abusive mother. Getting back through that door has been a struggle ever since. Recently, I find that I tear up at what feels like the oddest times but maybe they are just effecting me in a way that causes my feelings to reveal what’s going on inside of me. This post is so important and creating a corner on the blog on the plum tree where emotions will be the focus is such a brilliant idea. It will help many. I have not tried to run from my emotions but they are elusive. Fear that I will overwhelm others or myself causes me to retreat from them but that was the past. I have been working for years in psychotherapy to break through that barrier wall that was built so high. I am slowly knocking out bricks that prevent me from breathing and from seeing the light out of the darkness. If I take a deep breath, it helps to calm me and the emotions are able to come to the surface. It is the “negative” emotions that personally speaking, I and others are afraid of expressing for fear they will harm others and become destructive. I look forward to reading more about what you have to say on this subject. This post is the perfect opener to triggering people into even acknowledging the subject. Myself, I am a thinking person with underlying feelings filtering into my thoughts and I fall for all the traps that society has placed on the unacceptability of expressing ones emotions. Grief is always cut off short with a cliched line: “Aren’t you over that already. it’s been at least two weeks.” Now the DSM-V wants to put grief under the category of a mental illness if you haven’t worked through it within a reasonable amount of time. Now who determines the length that? Anyway, I love that Dr. Niamh Clune, on the plum tree, is bringing this subject forward by creating a corner where emotions can be examined and discussed. Thank you for this post. Once again I find your brilliance is being used for healing. J.K. the secret keeper PS. The subject “Do You Cry?” has been an obsession for me most of my adult life. When I have experienced extreme trauma, I cannot stop crying but when an occasion comes in my life where tears would be a natural reaction, I fight them. I get a lump in my throat and swallow down the feelings. There is definitely a shame factor involved in expressing my tears. If anyone sees me cry, I think I would feel embarrassed and/or mortified that they witnessed me in that emotional place. My response, I am sure, is triggered by the reaction I received from my “Bitch” mother, which was torturous and unnatural abuse, with the intention of stopping my tears and the sound of my crying. To her there was something terribly wrong with the act and sound of crying. It was one of her more maniacal obssessions that has left a scar then prevents me from giving myself permission or allowing myself to cry. I want the release. Maybe, sometimes I try to hard, but I want the tears to flow when they need to. I am close but have not fully arrived.

Originally posted on Plum Tree Books Blog:

Do you struggle to let go of things that hurt you? Try crying! Crying is nature’s inner cleansing process. Tears are literally the way in which we cathart our sorrow and emotional pain. If we do not shed our tears, we do not release our emotional responses to the things that hurt us.  We become psychically congested.

Some think that time is a great healer; it is, but healing takes longer and unexpressed emotion has a horrible habit of re-appearing in inappropriate ways. It spills out into personal and professional relationships. It is projected onto those we love. It colours the way in which we interpret the emotional world about us. It dictates our reactions to other intervening events, which might be nothing to do with who or what hurt our feelings in the first place.

People become conditioned out of showing emotional responses. The trouble is that when we don’t fully express emotion, we become stressed or…

View original 234 more words

Not Afraid

Not Afraid
By Jennifer Kiley
9.28.12

flash lightning-poetry live

Not Afraid
By Jennifer Kiley
9.28.12

Finding anything for you
I need time to review
My mind has been wasted
My mouth what has it tasted
Consuming what nourishes
Something that flourishes

purple butterfly

One’s health is in question
Another therapy session
Is there more to remember
Can you let go of September
Entering a new phase
Came up with a new phrase

amazon river butterflies

Give your life its true meaning
My friend started scheming
Her sight it is blinding
Not something worth finding
So let go of raging
Starting now reengaging

all are one

Get back on course again?
Find yourself a new friend?
Did your sight lose importance?
Did your sense lose its essence?
My mind can go forever
So I’ll stop now or never

dragon psychedelic

Not Afraid [Explicit]-Eminem

At Home With Self

At Home With Self
by Jennifer Kiley
9.27.12

Blue Abstract

At Home with Self

The Ritual

Yesterday, Sept. 26th was someone special’s birthday. We were close for just over 4 years and one day she disappeared from my life. Not because of anything that I did but due to circumstances beyond my control and of necessity for her. I started writing a memoir of our time together. A study, in effect, to record what was our relationship and what were the results of going through the loss of someone that meant such a great deal to me. I am going to engage in a ritual which will help to release this woman from my life as our relationship once was and how I reacted to her leaving.

This may not be easy but let us begin:

Today

I am letting go of the woman who was once my anchor.

I am letting go of the woman who was not herself with me.

I am letting go of the woman in me who was not courageous enough to be able to let her go.

I am letting go of the woman in me who was ruled by fear.

I am letting go of the woman who searched for validation from without from the woman I knew then and I am going to let that woman go.

I am letting go of the woman who thought she had nothing, when she always had everything.

I am letting go of the woman who looked to others to tell her what should move her.

I am letting go of the woman who looked to others to tell her that what moved her was real.

I am letting go of the woman who thought she could never get back to being thin again.

I am letting go of the woman who let her thoughts and her emotions rule over her life

I am letting go of the woman who was not confident enough to believe in herself as a writer and to be confident enough to tell other people that she was a writer.

I am letting go of that woman who didn’t have confidence in herself.

I am letting go of the woman who didn’t believe she was attractive enough for other people to see that in her.

I am letting go of the woman who could live her life without other people giving her support.

I am letting go of the person who was too proud to reach out for help when she needed help and support whenever she felt like she was falling apart.

I am letting go of the person who was so preoccupied with the past that she couldn’t see her present abundance.

I am letting go of the person who was so obsessed with creating a perfect future.

I am letting go of the woman who was reluctant to be a teacher, a mentor, a guide, and a leader, a woman who would have given anything NOT to be a spiritual warrior.

I am letting go of the woman who didn’t trust herself, didn’t believe in herself, and didn’t have the courage to follow her dreams full force, even though everyone else thought she was good at what she was doing.

I acknowledge that self and give her permission to let go and grow toward her future.

She was vital to me because she helped me survive, and she made me the woman I am today
But her ghost limits me and haunts me. She must be allowed to rest so that I can be at peace.

Today, I let go of all the old behaviors that limited me. Those old behaviors that had me always punishing myself and never celebrating myself.

Today, I let go of the thoughts that stopped me. The thoughts that said nothing I did ever worked. The thoughts that said nothing was ever going to improve. The thoughts that said dark times last indefinitely and will not just going to go away.

Today, I let go of the doubts and become the someone I clearly am.

Today, I let go of everything that is clearly toxic, and unhealthy.

Today, I let go of all those thoughts that were clearly untrue.

Today, I become the spiritual warrior as I was always meant to be.

I head now into truth, love and light, and I vow to always be available to those who need me.

Today Jennifer rises.

And, hopefully, today, all will rise with her.
With Love,
Jennifer

This was today’s letting go ritual.

If who you were keeps haunting you, then maybe it is time to let her go. Perform the ritual. State clearly that, today, you let go of past behaviors. Say all of this out loud to yourself and imagine who you were being allowed to let go as you do this.

Once you have let go, allow the new you to finally rise.


Abstraction In Colour

Philip Phillips-Home
An American Idol Winner

This was modeled/modified after the post at this link: http://ollinmorales.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/burying-your-past-self/?blogsub=confirmed#blog_subscription-3

Now whether this will be effective, it is a good set of mantras to listen to that might help deal with the other influences inside my mind who do not listen to anything I have to say.
~the secret keeper~

haiku-missing you

haiku-missing you
by jennifer kiley
9.26.12

Elements of Love

love is real to touch
real is love gives hug freedom
amazon kisses

dance across the skies
lifted by the butterflies
please raise up higher

damaged by balance
out of balance without you
connect broken new

may the force you be
outer reach near touching down
space between love fills

Darkness-Disturbed

Only Just Begun

Only Just Begun
By Jennifer Kiley
Photographs & Video
by Shawn MacKenzie
9.25.12

Gatsby (Mom) R to L-Carter-Parker-Poe

Each time I physically and emotionally interact with our three new kittens, Carter (Ginger with white blaze and mittens), Poe (all Ginger) and Parker (Black with a touch of White on his tummy), how our relationships all grow differently but always closer and more intimate. There is such an acknowledgement of more trust and love. When they were barely a few days old, I was able to hold them on my chest as they slept for hours.

My first experience being a solo babysitter gave me trepidation and I was rightly cautious. When I left them snuggling in their box with their mom Gatsby, on the bed of the downstairs bedroom, I stepped out of the room for 30 seconds to stir my pasta and sauce, when I returned, they were all gone. Disappeared. Now earlier, I kept having to stop their mom, Gatsby, from trying to take them out of their box, where they were sleeping comfortably.

I went from room to room and listened for their sound. Nothing. Time to panic. Texted Shawn, my s/o, stating: kittens have vanished. please when writers’ group is over come home immediately. do not be alarmed. kittens gone. Of course, she told me later she heard the text beep on her cell but didn’t look or respond, then forgot all about. I tried not to lecture her, like saying that is what a cell is for, emergencies. The kids were missing.

Anyway, the search began. I turned every sound off in the house and just stood silently and listened. No sight of Gatsby and not one meow from the wee ones. Then, out of nowhere, literally, I heard a slight noise. Where it was coming from wasn’t clear at first but I followed it. Finally, I discovered their mother. She had hidden the three kittens behind my living room reclining chair. Impossible to reach behind it. I tried reaching them but couldn’t stretch my arms that far. I needed to do something. It was not a safe place for them. Without hurting then, I retrieved them quite slowly with the use of the handle of a cane, sliding them one by one slowly across the carpet floor behind the chair. After I had all three of them in my hands, I carried them around with me, cupped in one hand, while I finished making my pasta dinner with my own red sauce recipe. Now that was a feat but accomplished with great success, but there was one problem, the eating had to be postponed. One cannot twirl pasta with one hand.

All the time we waited, I am trying to explain to their mother, Gatsby, that I was only holding onto them until their other mother got home. She would recreate the space behind my chair and make it safe for all of them. Gatsby wasn’t so sure about my plans but she eventually crawled into my lap, also, and lay down and nursed them on and off as we waited.

My idea was to get a deeper box where mom could come and go but the kittens weren’t in any danger of escaping before the time was right. That would be when they were older and could see, crawl and at least be walking a bit first.

Shawn returned home, finally, and I related the story to her. She thought it was hysterical. I wasn’t laughing at first but eventually I saw the humour and got her point. She was able to create a great space for them where mom had taken them on my first solo babysitting night. Only one entrance and exit, both the same. We could watch them being safe and cared for. We would take them out fairly often just to be sure they had a great deal of human contact. I just melted when they would snuggle up under my chin all sound asleep. So little and sweet as anything that young. This time in their life was so nurturing for all of us.

Sometimes, I didn’t want to share. The same sometimes as their mother Gatsby didn’t. And when it was time for them to return to their safe place and snuggle in for the night with their mom it was difficult to let them go. I loved holding them and loving them so much.

These are moments you only have for short times and at first my s/o wanted to give all but one away but their sweet little hearts and my constantly repeating my mantra, “we can’t give any of them away., they are all too precious.” It turned out I was more right then she was willing to admit at first. But she fell just as hard. And we both love them so intensely, neither of us could possibly imagine being without any one of them. There they were our Poe, Parker and Carter. Carter being the most unique because he actually is quite the kitten and shall become quite the cat someday. He’s got a touch of Einstein and Stephen Hawking in him. He is quite the genius in figuring out how to solve a problem beyond his physical abilities and manages to accomplish the feat before him in the most imaginative ways possible.

Poe and Parker are also quite special and have looked out for their baby brother Carter since he took his first step. They all love each other and us so much. And our bigger cats are finally all coming around to the idea that these little guys are so cool and just could be fun to get close to someday. Soon. Only the beginning of the fun. J.K.

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

Carterlion-Created by Shawn MacKenzie

Only Love-Created by Shawn MacKenzie

When I’m 64-Creating by Shawn MacKenzie

nightmare in my head

nightmare in my head
by jennifer kiley
9.21.12

this is part of a poem that i wrote while i was in the depths of the darkness of bipolar. it is a frightening place to see someone in but i wasn’t afraid. i was feeling multiple layers of feeling from depression to anger and rage to wanting to commit suicide. but none of this made me feel fear. it was more a feeling of surrender and letting go of the hold that life held on me to keep me here. it didn’t matter if i stayed alive when i was in this state. life didn’t hold the power over me like death drawing me into it. i am in such pain when i am in this state that it seems the only relief is to die. there does not feel in these moments like any thing else will end the intense feelings of torment. the pain is so intense and overpowering. it feels like my soul is bleeding to death. there is no light, only darkness. there is no reason, only confusion and doubt. everything that is real, i doubt its existence. it is difficult to believe in reality when you have no idea what is real. the remainder of this poem i choose to keep to myself. i know in the place i am in that what was written is false. a delusion from a mind filled with confusion. i am in a relatively even state of mind at the moment. which is surprising. my new computer just crashed and burned its second hard drive which was only installed two weeks ago. i may lose all my files, writing, photographs, articles, poems, letters but i am hoping that they can be rescued. i have no idea why i am reacting in such a calm state but i feel relaxed. and i am not under the influence of any mind altering substances. haven’t done those things for years. lets hope tomorrow i will feel the same. just breath in and out and hope for the best.

bipolar flowers by astrania

nightmare in my head
by jennifer kiley
9.21.12

a nightmare in my head
passed down from ancestors
to now
a feeling of giving up
it is hopeless
no one can know me
i am lost in my own mind
impossible to find me
i may never escape again

every part inside of me
is screaming
but the sound comes out silent
no one knows what i feel
only someone else who knows
the darkness of bipolar

i’m flying then crashing
and smashing through windows
of pain
invisible but real

ever wonder how something
can be real
the eye
has no ability to see
it’s the kind of darkness
where everything is so black
no light can filter in

a bedroom at night
no night light
no moon
just darkness
no reflection for shadows
peter pan would even
fear this place so filled with fear

shaking the feeling
of aloneness
with no prospects
of another soul visiting
spirits are drawn to light
darkness is not a place
they visit
it is avoided
like an incurable disease

when something is unpredictable
it is rejected out of fear
surprises make people flee
order is so much more
controllable
but how boring
a blessing is it
to have sameness all the time

flirting with death
it makes death feel powerless
and makes you strong
if you resist the overwhelming
sensation to win at death’s game
this time you beat death
it’s really only temporary

what is there really to live for
i say we stick around
for the kids
don’t you mean animals
but they are the kids
they would love someone else
a good person can take over
my life is almost gone now
it is almost time to go
nothing means any thing any more

i am losing myself again
if you are lost
how do you get found?
just take me to my animals
that have gone before me
i want them now
they loved me
unconditionally
i loved them and miss them too
i want to go home with you
my sweet sprout
i’d rather be with you

all is lost
all is gone
i do not want to be here
any more

it’s way too depressing
no one really understands
they’ve all got their own lives
no need for me in theirs
i don’t fit anywhere
i’ve failed
it is over
I don’t want it
any more

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

jimi hendrix-all along the watch towers

REMEMBER

REMEMBER
by Jennifer Kiley
Poem-Remember
by Christina Rossetti

Guardian Angel Abstract

REMEMBER
Christina Rossetti
(1830-1894)

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann’d:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Evanescence – My Immortal

Natalie Portman Uncensored (has been censored)

Natalie Portman Uncensored
Courtesy of Saturday Night Live
The Secret Keeper (the Naughty Side)
Not For the Faint at Heart
Course Language and Descriptions
of an Offensive Nature
But Funny/Hilarious as Hell
WARNING: Definitely NC-17
9.24.12

Natalie Portman All Cute with Curls

no longer available on my blog
Natalie Rap (uncensored) got unembedded
Rating Strong NC-17

Natalie Rap Censored Version On SNL

Follow This Link To Natalie Portman Uncensored with Lyrics, which gave me the idea to put together this post. (Also, A great Poet, bipolarmuse, is at the other end.)
http://bipolarmuse.com/2012/09/22/natalie-portman-rap-lol/

Rolling Stones-Sympathy For The Devil (Live) HQ