colours of life and feelings

…why I can experience anger or depression and step out consciously while still being aware these emotions are happening in me and I can explain to my partner what is happening inside of me as though separate from the emotions. What to do about switching into another emotion, that is the part that I haven’t figured out yet. (this was in response to a post i read “Thinking Versus Feelings!”

Once I was told that you can have the feelings inside of you, that was the word they used, you determine if they are “acceptable to act on,” if not then you just don’t act on them, but it is “okay” to have the feelings. Replace feelings with emotions.

Emotions are active and feelings are consciousness of what the emotions are that you are experiencing. So feeling is being conscious of the physical and emotional reactions occuring inside of you and possibly visible on the outside especially when interacting with others.

Tonight, I told my partner that I have been feeling depressed and angry for awhile now. It has affected my sleep and my sense of reality. I could explain to her what was going on inside of me but I had no idea what to do to change what I was feeling. The most important thing is that I could tell her that my emotional reactions right now were part of a delusional state. Now that is while being in one, I could step out of it to recognize my emotions as not coming from a rational and real state.

How to change the emotions? We discussed that but I told her I had no idea. When my bipolar depression side kicks in there doesn’t feel like anything is rational and the fact is that my emotions in this state are delusional and not based on anything that is real or happening in my reality. And I do not feel any sense of control over how to change what I am experiencing. It feels like a waiting period in hell. Nothing connects.

I just try to imagine what i should be feeling if i were not in this state. It is painful because I know it’s not real but that doesn’t change how i experience what is going on inside of my mind and my emotions.

I want to understand my emotions on a feeling level. I want to break through the delusional state and get back on track with what is real. I want to experience the “real” reality. I can’t force it. It just won’t go. I see and feel and sense things that are not really there. How do I know they are not really there? I’ve been told that and my rational mind and feelings somehow know the difference between what is real and what is delusion.

If i lost the connection to the rational self, which I often do, then I would not be able to tell what was real from what was delusional. So, there is a DMZ for my feeling self to find that neutral zone and experience a view into the unreality. It’s when the delusions take over all consciousness that’s when I get into real trouble.

I usually write when I am trying to express myself and when I am trying to work out my emotions or feelings. I suppose when writing I am more in the feeling function level trying to express what the emotions are experiencing.

Though there are times when my emotions and my physical body in concurrence take over my computer and express there comminiques while pushing out the thought and feeling functions and do a trance form of stream of consciousness. I’ve seen what they can write. It is quite vibrant and powerful and usually makes total sense and is quite creative, deep, profound and revealing, too much so sometimes. A look inside the workings of a delusional mind can be quite illuminating and out trips direct honesty as the delusional mind sees it. Sometimes, I wonder if there are glimpses of truth in any of the unreality.

Now I am in Feeling Function and in total control. Still depressed but able to be rational about everything around me and inside of me. It is a temporary state, so I will let it be and try not to trigger the delusional state into taking over for now. So until that time, lets have some fun with music and illustrations and liven up my post with visions from my mind.

Muse-Uprising