Therapy Two Thirds
by Jennifer Kiley
10.14.12
spirit self sleeping/dreaming a solution
Therapy Two Thirds
By jennifer kiley
10.14.12
giving up therapy
what have I been drinking
give up certainty
sounds too absurd
the sun may still set
and the next day arise
night time will fall
rain will come down outside
the moon she will have to hide
friends will be there
close family will be too
my significant other
thinks it’s not something
I should do
Citing it’s too dangerous
A game I can’t play
I need to do therapy
At least for today
Could I live without it
not seeing my shrink
i mean in total honesty
what do I really think
holding off suicidal feelings
and take a safe ride
will I be lost without something
every week to help me survive
the talking cure works for some
and I’m one of the chosen
so to stop healing this way
I’d live quite on th edge
my mind would remain broken
what then would go unspoken
if I did this thing I am thinking
where would I work my things out
what about all the work that I’ve done
that would stop too I’m sure
I wouldn’t want to go outside again
Or find my own cure
I’ll just drift back inside again
And I’d never have the courage again
To return to the world with friends
Who’d listen to my secrets
I’d feel a strong need to hide
Abandonment will sit ever closely
Alone by my side
just needing a therapist
who cares to cure me
someone to be trusted
who won’t threaten to leave me
if not I’ll be self-destructive
I’d sure I’ll go out of my mind
I’m feeling too much pressure
Need more time to think things out
The confusion’s building up inside
It just doesn’t feel right
need to think on it more
want to think it through clearly
before making up my mind
for what’s best at this time
this subject just depresses me
I want to stop thinking just let it be
I know I am not strong enough
The way others may see that in me
My strength lies in knowing
Just what is the right thing for me
No matter who I want to please
First I’ve got to please me
And seeing a shrink right now
Is the best and safest thing for me
© Jennifer Kiley 2012
You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)—Josh Groban
Pink Floyd-Echo (Live at Pompeii) (Full)
“The only reason for time is so that not everything happens at once.” ~ Albert Einstein ~
Coldplay—Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall
Only you know whether you can stand strong on your own two feet and be empowered to have to catch yourself when you fall.
Had a talk with my s/o and she made me see ‘the light.” She has seen when I’ve given up therapy before and I was in a better place then. Now she feels it would be very dangerous. Yet. feel I do need a different therapist. One who knows what they are dealing with and giving me the support I need. I tend to agree with her even though I was seriously going to quit. But I do remember how things got quite fucked up when I stopped before. It’s not a matter of standing strong. I feel quite empowered. It’s that my mind is not trustworthy to keep me safe, nor are my feelings. Stopping therapy would be as bad for me as when I wanted to stop cancer treatment b/c I started getting freaked out that I was going to die. I talked myself into believing I didn’t need the treatment then either but the doctor talked some sense into me in my hospital room that i really did need to to come back. So, I don’t think it is a matter of empowerment or not feeling i can’t catch myself when I fall. It’s a feeling that I won’t stop falling once I start. That rabbit hole can be an endless drop.
also, my s/o pointed out to me that I do stand up to my therapist. And do argue with her. She isn’t allowed to walk all over me. I have threatened to quit several times. I need to work this out and not run away from it. In the mean time I will work with my doc to find someone who understands what i am going through and won’t be so cavalier or should I say callous. When I call and tell her on voicemail that I am suicidal, she needs to respond and not assume I can make it to the next day for treatment. Her ethical manner of treatment needs to be overhauled. And the clinic needs to hire more therapists. Overwork is not a good excuse for not responding to someone who is seeking help that is in a suicidal state. Jennifer