purpose

purpose: a work in progress. intention, objective, ideas, hopes, resolve, give meaning, how i view anything or nothing? how far is my reach for expession? object of desires? what are my dreams? what are my expectations? how ambitious am i? what are my intentions for my life and all that is in it? do i have a particular destination in mind? what direction am i heading or are there a multiplicity of directions? what are my prospects? do i have any proposals for my future? do i have any target goals? what are my aspirations?

these and other questions i haven’t thought of yet, i will attempt to answer as they come into my vision. created early monday morning around 4:45am june 18th, 2012.

meaning: (work in process) how i define what i feel is the value and inner reason for life. sense of purpose. what direction i feel my life is going to aim for. the overall significance of being alive. the essence of life. what value or worth i feel i am.

what is the intrinsic value of my life or anyones’ life? my life has so many interests starting with writing about everything that i am curious or things i want to discover or figure out; to analyze my existence.

Edited: 12 Noon 1.12.13
i am an artist. i am addicted to creating. to create images that express a feeling or an essence that feels it has found it’s completion. that is when i stop. something in the image or the poem or whatever it is i am working on speaks in its own language and directs me where to go or when to stop. the muse sits on my shoulder or whispers in my ear or plays around in my mind or heart or any place they want to. i think of my muse as a she. i relate better to the female. just as i use the word goddess. just have a problem with the thought or words of the patriarchy and all their words and meanings. i prefer to create my own words and meanings i feel that life is or is suppose to be. is life suppose to be anything particular or do humans need it to be something for it to be able to be defined and organized in a fashion that has a linear and orderly existence. if you study history it all follows its self as though it happens one thing after another. even though time is spread out in every possible direction all within the same moment continuously.

i want to write a screenplay that is more than just one of the fifty. i want to write a novel that has a sustaining meaning that will last longer than my life and definitely longer than the first week of promotions. I would like what I write be something that i would want to read as if i were a stranger and reading something that i know nothing about until i read and just possibly will not want to put down until i am finished reading the complete book. that’s a great fantasy, whether possible, we will see. back to that ultimate screenplay, what story hasn’t been told that a fair number of people would want to see but first would want to make. actors would want to play the characters and directors would want to fight over who will be the one to win the pinacle position of committing it to digital memory for someday to be seen on the screen, theatre, tv, computer, tablets and even mobile phones. i have that screenplay in my head that i did try to write but my computer hard drive crashed and destroyed it. it is time to continue the journey to see where that script was going to take me. i just finished writing the beginning of a synopsis here but then realized. not exactly the right place to reveal my secrets of the inside look into…i’m not even going to reveal the title. this is when secrets are meant to be. one must keep things like titles to themselves. i am superstitious that way. i don’t like telling anyone, not even my partner or therapist. well, maybe my therapist but only once so she has time to forget. that’s it for today. need to work on other writing. and other project and exercises.

Update: Tuesday 9th July 2013
I am actually committing a book to “the secret keeper.” Eventually, I will start to collect the pages and form them into a proper book with illustrations. That is for myself only, the images. It will remind me of how the book looked on”tsk.” Also, within the book I am posting on my blog, I have incorporated the beginnings of a most interesting screenplay. It has so intrigued me that I intend to develop that by telling the story to the main character’s, hopefully, soon to be analyst.

I planted an idea in my subconscious and it is sprouting like the little red maple tree or is it a birch, my favorite kind of tree. I love the character’s name that leads off the script. No stealing. Her name is Carter McLeod. I see going some place and I want to write for her too. Madison Taylor is also a fun and serious person to write about through her own mind. She has a screenplay in her future already, which had already been written up to the point of just adding the dialog. Everything else was mapped out. The story is in my head and I have started to enter it into my movie magic screenwriters program. It is an excellent program.

I feel quite productive in my life. So productive I would like to eliminate the reason to sleep. It is a difficult time of the day to get me to put down my laptop or tablet. There is always more to say and do. And I’d rather be working on “the secret keeper” than be doing anything else except to be in contact with certain friends and to spend time with my in home family and online or email with two special blood family members. The rest of my family, I don’t feel connected to at all. In most cases, that is a healthy position to be in.

And the other parts of my life have to do with my mental and physical health. I do therapy twice a week and regular doctor once a month. As for specialists, I am always seeing someone at least twice a month. Sometimes more often. I need to keep a constant check on Cancer to make sure it hasn’t returned. Which is rather anxiety provoking. In fact, I have an appointment this afternoon with one of those Doctor’s, who happens to be a close friend, she will check to see if any cells have decided to return. And two months, I get to see my oncologist. I see him three times a year and get B-12 every two months at the Cancer Center.

I work with a publishing co. as a volunteer. I am working on several projects for her at the moment ans hope that more with be coming through sometime in the near future. Anything that I can do to assist the CEO, I am available for her.

Otherwise, you will find me at my computer online or writing offline. I do, also, create digital art and create posters and collages. I want to learn more about making videos. So far I’ve made a few and have been experimenting slowly on developing that skill. But basically, I want to write poetry, screenplays, my blog, short stories, novels, and create art and film. Also, I want to learn how to write flash fiction.

Flash fiction is my newest project to learn. I forgot, I, also, want to learn how to create .gif mode flash video. Technically, one could call it that. I am fascinated with the flipping over the projection of one moving image in a continuous loop. Well, have to go. Will check this for edits later.

And I must not forget music. I use to be an avid musician. Wrote my own songs, lyrics and the music. Played in a professional folk/pop band. I had stage fright and could not perform sober or not stoned. I soon gave that up and for some reason I just suddenly stopped playing all my instruments and now all I do is listen, which to me is an amazing experience in itself.

Got to go. Jk the secret keeper

7 thoughts on “purpose

  1. “….The rest of my family, I don’t feel connected to at all. In most cases, that is a healthy position to be in……”

    That’s an interesting point you bring up. Many people who have mental health problems have one or two family members they really connect with. For the most part though, it has been my observation (usually while in the hospital) that most of us tend to have family issues in addition to the illness itself. I know that my experience of Manic Depression has been a very lonely and isolated one. I do not get on well anymore with most of my family, especially my father who has all but disowned me. Aunts and uncles and cousins that I used to feel comfortable around don’t seem very comfortable around me anymore. But, as you put it, it may be a more healthy position to be in.

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    • I have written you a long response on another comment. Tomorrow, I will write about this issue. It is a complicated one. Much to discuss with you. Until very early Thursday AM. I will say goodnight for now. I am exhausted and need some food, if I can eat and sleep once I take my meds then I will feel better. A bit any way. I will finish this later. JkM

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      • Ummmm, yes, family issues are extremely complicated on this side of the fence as well. I finally went to bed at 3 am having gone to Circle K to ferret out some food, and coffee creamer for the all important morning coffee. I hope that you slept okay. I haven’t been, and I know how important it is to keep sleep on track. Perhaps, once the New Year has passed, I will return to the nice little sine wave and my gently rocking boat, but for now, I will deal with the earthquakes that are my lovely emotions. Like I have a choice…..maybe I do.

        Anyway, sleep well. I shall await your comment re: family.

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        • Family… I have one brother I am still in contact with out of 3. He is like a confidante. I write to him about everything, or practically. I write to his daughter, my niece, who I love dearly. We are extremely close. Hopefully, I will get to know her son Luke & Jacob, who is on the way. The rest of my family are scattered about but I do not have anything to do with them. Cards to my half-sister, but she really doesn’t know anything about my life. My parents are gone. Did not have any contact with them. Last time I saw them was in 1977. They screwed me up. That isn’t a blame the parents for what is wrong with me statement. It’s the truth. I try not to think about them. I am of the belief, you don’t have to relate to anyone you don’t want in your life, whether you are blood or once upon a time friends. If someone is bad for you, they need to be gone from your life.

          Sorry, I didn’t get back to you on Wednesday, it was a really bad health day. Felt terrible. A little better today, but crashing in a short while, Need sleep. Tomorrow is a busy day. Hope I have the strength. We can talk more about this. I know I am being brief. When I have more energy, there is always something to write about this topic.

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          • I agree. If someone is bad for you, they have to go. I wrote a post about a year ago maybe less on whether Selfishness is the same as being Self-Centered. I came to the conclusion that the two are mutually exclusive. It is selfishness that keeps you sane and alive. So, while it may be selfish to cut people out of your life, it is necessary…..even if it is someone you love. If that person is bad for your mental health on all levels then the ties have to be cut. That’s why I got divorced. It was never about who loved or didn’t love who. It was about the way certain of his actions caused certain reactions in me, and the whole situation was not healthy.

            My mom has been a rock for me. But, my father, not so much. If anyone precipitated the actions that have driven portions of my life both good and bad, it would have been him. I would not go so far as to say he screwed me up, but he did a pretty good job of setting the bar that I placed even impossibly higher in my attempts to prove myself to him. So, I do not have that much contact with him. Sometimes that makes me sad, most of the time I do not think about it, and sometimes I think it is a good thing. I think I saw him for about an hour in 2011.

            I have one sister but we have little in common. She is a full-time Mom and office manager for her husband’s two practices. I have a niece and a nephew that I see every now and then (they live out of state), but I know my niece better than my nephew. He’s very quiet and serious like his Dad. My niece is more boisterous and outgoing like my sister.

            I do not have too many friends, and I think I could live happily without a significant other for the rest of my life. Yes, my experience with marriage was that bad.

            Rest and be well. I have been sleeping for 10-12 hours at a time for the last few days. Maybe I am finally coming down. One can hope :)

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            • I think & feel we are both sensitive. Being around someone negative would be extremely disturbing to us. I have a low tolerance for inconsiderate people or those who lie or treat you abusively and especially, people who pretend to be who they are not, instead they are just the opposite of good. This we do not need in our lives. [ I speak for myself but feel your sensitivities would feel awful around such insincerity].

              I have tried carefully to surround myself with good [positive] energy. Life is meant to be where we learn but also where we enjoy being alive. My dose of having evil in it has reached far beyond the limits. No more. Never again, unless I am writing about it from a distant perspective.

              One doesn’t need a lot of friends, but the ones nearest to us, we need them to be positive. To be able to love them and feel it in return.

              Maybe when you least expect it some one who is perfect will walk into a place in your life. It will be a surprise and magically, you will discover something so unexpected.

              I started a new med. Something I have been needing. I have high hopes it will be just what I need to make me feel better. Make me healthy again. As you said, One can only Hope. Well, I hope you will find in the new year, a calmness entering into your life.

              I am trying to do the same. I am pulling back & trying to let myself relax as much as I am able to.

              Lots of changes, that is part of what has been happening in my life, also. An upheaval, not unlike yours but of a different nature. It was a pretty maddening experience. An emotional & mental exorcism. All for the good. It has changed my life drastically. But in a tremendously good way. But my physical world, I wasn’t realizing I was getting sicker & sicker. Didn’t realize to what extent I was really seriously in really bad shape, health wise. Not good. Not good at all. But the new med, I just started to use, I am expecting it to slowly bring me back to health. I slept a complete night last night, I think. Did have the oddest dream.

              I ate a meal last night that I really tasted. I haven’t been able to eat for a long time. My mind had shut out food. It was a matter of forcing food into me. Still don’t know exactly what is wrong. Surgery mended one problem. But what is really wrong, no one knows. I think it is a complete disconnection from my body. A surrender to a manic phase of Bipolar. Nothing else connected. Devoting my time to creating. Writing poems. Writing chapters for my novel. Painting an abstract [hopefully] piece of art. Watching an excellent film or movie and writing a review for my blog or for Expats Post. I am an author for their online publication. I am addicted.

              I forget about food, sleep or functioning almost any other way. Now I need to slow down and intentionally work on creating an appetite and eating what I want to eat that will make me want to put food inside my body. It is a learning process I have forgotten how to do. Imagine having to learn to eat food again. Weird. But it is one of the things I suffer. Psychologically, I do not want to eat. Not a death wish. Just my mind has shut off that part of my brain that is sensible about such things as being necessary. Sleep is among another one of the things I have forgotten that I need to keep myself healthy and alive.

              Different struggles but just as overwhelmingly confounding. Keep writing to me any time you want & I will respond as quickly as I am able. We are in this but not alone.

              Always,
              Jennifer JkM

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              • I will reply to your comment in the morning when my mind is a little fresher, and I have not spent the whole afternoon trying to install a computer program that will allow me to produce the most wonderful fractal art. I am in love with the math behind the result and how a minor tweak here and there produces such different images. I run Linux on my computer so many things to be installed have to have just the right environment or they will complain and refuse to work. So, I am somewhat frazzled at this point. However, I do understand disconnecting. i do the same but with different things. Although, food seems to be one of them. Sleep I am forced into by night time medications.

                But, I will reply tomorrow. I think my brain needs to shut off now. Not that it will :)

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