secret keeper

inner self


i am the shy one and the secret keeper; i listen; writing is my voice; not really talkative unless one of us or all of us have a manic episode; love animals, films, books, art, music, television; have a great many stories to tell; have complex-ptsd; dissociative identity disorder, (if there were alters which some professionals diagnosed, they seem pretty quiet since we were finally told about the bipolar. We also like this new turn of phrase going around “bipolar spectrum disorder”-it really fits all the symptoms.) but for now we will leave in the did/mpd-multiple personalities; manic depression aka bipolar; we do experience extreme depressive episodes with intense depths that usually dive into overwhelming suicidal feelings – have verbal contracts not to do anything – emergency steps are in place; was sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally abused; tortured; physically injured; kidnapped and suffered bondage as a child; i have agoraphobia; panic disorder; anxiety disorder; have been in psychotherapy since i was 19 seeing a multiplicity of therapists – lost count (my best therapist recently abandoned me abruptly – i think i was in love with her) – new therapist is good but very manic with her; lesbian in spirit; attracted to women; find some men quite beautiful, james dean and river phoenix come to mind; celibate but not abstinent; sexually dysfunctional; the abuse made it unable for me to respond to a sexually intimate experience – i always shut down to sexual stimulation from another person; live with a woman and many animals; my multi-colored protector – bites me to protect me when my partner or our other animals approach me suddenly when she is on my lap or being physically close to me; love stana katic; i am a stanatic and addicted to tv show castle – have ocd (obsessive castle disorder); modern family is my favorite all time sitcom; film trivia expert; collect quotations, poems, song lyrics, writing my own poetry collection; writing an auto-biographical manuscript plus other writing projects in the fictional and screenwriting realm; looking forward to being inspired to write many blog posts when my muse inspires me (which is almost all the the time – i think she might be manic too) or the divine madness possesses me and i find a strong urge to be creative with words to express my emotions and thoughts or have an idea i would like to share. lastly i edited this on 5.16.11 to add that my best friend who was quite young died suddenly a short time ago. she was my texting buddy; therapy group friend and major support in the outside world and was helping me to cope with the loss of my last therapist M. so many triggers set me off about her and M. found several songs that remind me of her (actually both of them) – they overlap in the sadness department. my friend died and i am now allowed contact with my former therapist. it isn’t verboten. finding the songs were at the suggestion of my new therapist. she felt it would help me to remember my friend better but she is in my soul, heart and thoughts. (i also think her spirit visits me), i feel like i have lost so many important people, always so suddenly, in my life and it started when i was a kid but that is not why i was created. that is one of my many secrets. ~jen~
ps. Today is April 18, 2013. I just took a look at my about the secret keeper. I think it time to do an overhaul of this page. More art, more posters, up to date information. It is now on my mind and will enter my to do list. We will see how long it takes me to get around to the process. Namaste. jk the secret keeper 8-) :roll: :-)

16 thoughts on “secret keeper

    • hi! it is a warm day and settling down. about to watch a film on HBO about Ernest Hemingway with Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen. starting checking the blog out you suggested, it just might be the perfect place for me right now. thank you. have a great evening.

      jen

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  1. You’re such a good writer. I failed to read your blog before. For someone that is going through so much you have so much to offer. I like that we communicate may we can help each other. Be strong my friend and keep writing.

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    • that is so nice of you to say that. i love to write. have been doing it since i was a kid. stopped for awhile. had a very non-productive therapist for awhile who drained me of any creative energy. but then i found my muse through my next therapist. she is gone now but she still is my muse. the therapist i see now is also encouraging. i think it would be good to see if we can give each other support. it is hard to make it through sometimes but somehow we both seem to find our way. write to me when you wish and i will get back to you as fast as i can. if i am slow on responding it is probably i am really stressed out that i can’t handle dealing with anything in my life except to be depressed. but i will try to be there for you as much as i am able. i expect that you will have times when you will feel the same. but we will both make it through. i believe that. best to you. jennifer

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      • Your welcome! It feels good to write. You get everything out of your head and I find that when I just start writing things come to me. I can’t plan too much because I’ll get confused. I just start writing. I call it free writing. I took a journalism class and that’s how he taught us. I do have ADD and the grammer and punctuation does come easy for me. I was made fun of most of my life on my writing skills. I don’t care any more I just write. If people want to use their energy making fun of others or tell them their doing it the wrong way that’s their problem . I would love for us to be support buddies. Yes, we all need someone to talk to and understand what we are going through. I worry about your suicidal thoughts. Keep them wrapped up. Like you I may not respond right away, but I will be there for you.

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  2. Pingback: “Get your girl, Son!” Father’s Day Snippet from “CHARMEINE” in “The Light-Bearer Series” THANK YOU for 7 AWARDS! « "The Light-Bearer Series" Novelist, Emily Guido

    • unfortunately it is the only one my theme has available. i’ve been thinking about trying to add more fonts but haven’t been able to track down doing that. i do like using italics. it makes the lettering look much better. you may needo just enlarge your imaging. jen

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    • I had just turned 48. Night time was and still is when I am most awake. So, I had an immediate view of what terrible things were happening to Diana. She was 16 years younger than me. A child when she married. I was so impressed with how she focused on those in the world who needed special care. I will look forward to hear from you. No rush. Thank Linda for dropping me a note. Jennifer

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