Lightness of Being: Stop Loving the Bomb & Send a Funny Letter

lightness of being day wednesday negative
Stop Loving the Bomb & Send a Funny Letter
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Post Created 19th March 2014
Posted on Wednesday
LIGHTNESS OF BEING

MUCH LAUGHTER I WISH FOR ALL WHO LISTEN & FIND THE HUMOR IN THESE VIDEOS.  :-)

Bob Newhart – “Defusing A Bomb” – HILARIOUS!

Paul Lynde Hollywood Squares

David Allen on Post Offices

Quotations

“Sometimes crying or laughing
are the only options left,
and laughing feels better right now.”
— Veronica Roth, Divergent

“Anything with the power to
make you laugh over thirty years
later isn’t a waste of time. I
think something like that is
very close to immortality.”
— Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis

“Laughter is wine for the soul -
laughter soft, or loud and deep,
tinged through with seriousness -
the hilarious declaration made by
man that life is worth living.”
— Seán O’Casey

Private Writings: Chapters #57 — Whenever I Want You

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #57 – Whenever I Want You

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 15th April 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #57 — Whenever I Want You

[Madison's Fourth Week Being Held at Redcliff Psychiatric Institute After a Failed Suicide Attempt...]

Tuesday 7th October 2008

Dear Annie,

Writings from my own “A Writer’s Diary,” while I am inside Redcliff Psychiatric Institute. It is the best way to keep track of what is going on. I want evidence if they fuck me up more than I already am. So far they haven’t forced any pharma meds on me, and they won’t allow me access to my Medical Marijuana either, even though I am licensed to legally use it as a medication to treat health issues and as my psych meds. I stopped taking pharma except for Klonopin. Getting off of that feels almost as bad as I imagine stopping cold from heroin. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. My insides felt jumpy and nauseous. I was going from cold sweats to freezing than feeling like I couldn’t cool off. My mind was freaking me out. I finally told my doctor I needed to keep taking at least half of the dosage. It was feeling impossible to stop. Seems I am stuck with the Klonopin until my doc and I can figure out how to trick my system into thinking it is still receiving my drug of choice to killing myself.

Jamie, my sweet friend, with whom I am wickedly crushing on, saved my life. Not so sure I’ve decided yet to thank her. Jamie blew my mind when she played Carter McLeod in my recent screenwriting success in “Brief Sacrifice.” She was excellent. Scottie told me the gross at present is well over $45,000,000. We made it for $17,500,000, rounded off. It has only just been released overseas.

It’s a great time traveling mystery hooked into Nikola Tesla. It has the edge of the book “Da Vinci Code,” but the film is tighter and more thrilling. Having a female protagonist is what makes it so much more intriguing. It gets pretty exhausting always having a man be the hero. Come on, men are not as brave as women. They like to think so but their guts churn as much as ours do, except society won’t allow men to show their more delicate feminine side. There is nothing wrong with a man being sensitive, nor a woman. Being a man in this world may have its perks but I would never want to be a man, too vulnerable in many ways.

A new day.

As usual, I went way off subject while writing my entry yesterday. Jamie’s visit was touching and depressing. I told her I thought I was in love with her, but it had nothing to do with sex. It was the feeling of closeness with her that made me feel secure. Like I wasn’t alone. I just wanted her to hold me while we would just lie down together and snuggle. More for comfort than something prurient. It was all innocent. Jamie wasn’t sure it was a good idea to get that close. What would Scottie think?

Scottie and I have an understanding. Nothing ever becomes sexual unless it is forced. I don’t sleep with other woman for sex. I have never slept with anyone for sex. The fact that sex has been foisted upon me by the desires of other people, is not my doing. My therapists have all told me, the sexual abuse and the mind and emotional abuse scarred me so severely when I was a child and the abuse followed me into my adult life. I have always been unable to stop an abuser. My fight or flight reflexes don’t work. I freeze when threatened by anything and I don’t know how to stop a person from forcing themselves on me.

When Sylvia’s drug incapacitated me, it was like living in a nightmare. My body couldn’t shut down. My usual escape route was blocked off by her cleverness. I couldn’t dissociate. She had me trapped. I saw and felt everything that she did. It was brutal. She was brutal. It felt like having surgery without anesthesia. It’s why I had to kill myself. What she did when she stole my means of removing myself from her abuse, it opened the door for all my abusers to gang rape me, beginning that night and ever since. All the things they have done have been flooding my mind and body ever since the night Sylvia took me hostage, paralyzed me, and sexually savaged my body. It was painful on all levels of sensitivity. Sylvia was possessed by a demon when she raped me. The time was endless. I never felt she would stop. In fact, she didn’t stop on her own.

Jamie broke through the locked door to my study. Once she was in the room, she assessed the situation and immediately attacked Sylvia and pulled Sylvia away from me. It was at that moment when James leaped on Sylvia’s back. He latched his claws into her back while he pinned her to the floor. James is a Savannah cat. He is enormous. His weight is over 40 pounds. He sat on her, with claws dug in while Jamie called ‘911’ and the three of us waited for them to arrive.

Where was Scottie? I wanted to see Scottie. She would know what to do. But I couldn’t speak. I was in a drug haze which shut down my motor functions, including my speech center. Jamie must have seen the helplessness in my eyes, and realized I needed help right away. She tried Scottie on her cell but no answer. She sent a text, hoping Scottie would see it and come right after seeing the text.

The police and paramedics arrived, one after the other. That caught Scottie’s attention from their party. She had no idea what the fuck was going on. She followed them to where I was. Jamie had given instructions to the ‘911’ operator. Once Scottie was in my study, she looked around in a stunned fashion and asked Jamie, “What the Hell is going on here? What happened to Madison?”

Jamie explained it as much as she could figure out. Sylvia drugged Madison. She told Scottie the study door was locked and when I didn’t answer. Jamie thought that was too odd so she broke down the door. What she saw was so disturbing, she told Scottie she couldn’t describe it, except to say that Sylvia was literally raping me. She said, I was silent. I appeared unable to speak at all.

Scottie rushed over to me. I was being attended to by the paramedics. They were taking my vitals. My pulse and heartbeat were extremely slow. They called into the ER of the nearest hospital. They told the doctor on call, they had a patient who had a weak and thready pulse. They were concerned it may be a drug overdose but not self-administered. Instead the paramedic told the doctor, she felt the patient was in shock from the effects of the drug. Also, the patient had undergone a situation where she was forcibly raped by another woman who used objects, which visibly were covered in blood, that would have cause internal injuries, possibly tearing the flesh.

The paramedic went on to describe the patient, me, that I had severe cuts on my body that were still bleeding. Other bleeding came from wounds within my mouth, and internally from inside my vaginal area. How deep the injuries were could not be detected in the field. The patient needed immediate ultrasound.

I heard what she was saying to the doctor at the ER and felt like I was in a movie theatre hearing a scene after a battle in a war zone.

The female paramedic kept giving the doctor information. She told the doctor they did not know how the drug was administered or specifically what the drug was or whether there was only one drug used. Scottie was hearing all this as she stared into my eyes. I could see her tears. She held my hand and kept squeezing it as the paramedics worked on me. Her hand felt good holding mine. It took me away from the circus going on around me.

The doctor ordered the paramedics to rush me immediately to the ER for tests and to start flushing the drugs out of my system. Once that was achieved, they would do further tests to see what kind of physical damage was caused due to the attack and rape.

The paramedics secured me to the stretcher. Once it was elevated, they rushed me out of my study, taking a route that would not bring me into the area where the party was taking place. They were trying to be as sensitive as possible and to cause the least amount of added trauma to me. I was a corpse with a pulse at this point, and a thready one at that.

What I could feel is my life slipping away. How long was I with Sylvia? How long was she using my body as her own torture victim? Time was irrelevant. It has disappeared. My mind wasn’t functioning. Jamie filled me in on all of this today. All that she was able to put together herself.

The hospital was not talking to anyone about me except Scottie. Even with Scottie, they tried to give her a difficult time seeing me. I had signed a power of attorney and a living will giving Scottie control of my health. This kept the hospital from blocking her from me and my records. So Scottie was able to find out everything there was to know at present, but she decided I didn’t need to know everything.

Scottie is a great protector but I needed to know. She felt I should talk to you, Annie. It seems she has spoken to you and filled you in. Maybe you can tell me more. Jamie told me what her perceptions picked up, but she doesn’t know everything. What really happened that night?

Dr. Virginia McKinnon, my psychiatrist here at Redcliff, won’t even tell me what she knows. Her theory is, it would be too dangerous to me to have all the information at once. She was concerned it might trigger an even stronger reaction to my feeling suicidal. The information would overload my mind, and push me closer to the edge than I am already.

A new day.

Jamie, I fell asleep last night thinking of you. My wish is for you to be my emotional lover. Someone I can have feelings for but who will not abandon me. I feel Jamie is safe. She is going to be showing up soon. After our visit, I will record what happened between us.

Later, after seeing Jamie.

Jamie told me she loved me but as a friend, not someone she had romantic feelings for. I tried to explain, I just wanted to be close. No sexual demands, strictly love, pure love. She told me we could talk about this another time. When I was stronger. It seemed it really needed a better setting than a psych hospital. She wasn’t going away, but past hugging, Jamie didn’t feel she could give that to me, even though she realized I needed someone to be close to me, to hold me. “Give Scottie a chance.” That is what Jamie suggested. I wasn’t sure Scottie would want to. Scottie was not into touching and cuddling. It wasn’t what she needed from me, to make a demand of closeness. Not really a demand but a need on my part.

I decided to tell Jamie to go. We would talk soon but I needed to rest. The truth is, I wanted to be alone. Not really alone. I wanted to think about Tosh. She had been on my mind a great deal. I have been having conversations with her for a while now. The reason I haven’t mentioned it, I thought you would think I was losing it.

Now I think it’s time for me to let Tosh back into my consciousness. She has been around, wanting me to give her my attention. Annie, you do realize who Tosh is? I know I haven’t really talked much about her but maybe I need to at least free myself to listen to her. At night, she comes to me when I am trying to go to sleep. I feel her lying next to me. It’s quite safe. She is a ghost. Not like she is going to harm me. We loved each other and were only just starting to feel our closeness. When we kissed, it was like magic. Time would slow and the sensation was deep and consuming. I don’t feel either of us ever wanted to stop kissing but life was there and calling us back to reality.

Tosh was involved with a murderous woman when she met me. As we grew closer, she broke off her relationship with her ex. That woman didn’t take it well. For now, that is all I want to say about that. I just want to think about Tosh as she is now, away from the nightmare that stole her from me. Now I just want to feel her lying next to me in silence. We talk sometimes. Tosh listens to me than gives me her response. I feel her energy touching me. It feels like a total infusion.

Maybe I need to escape this world and be with Tosh. She is the only one who wants to be with me. I need Tosh. I love Tosh and want to be with her.

I know what you’re going to say, “But Tosh is dead, how can you be with her, unless you are dead.”

That is one way, but we can be together without my having to die.

I don’t want to talk about this with you right now. I’ve said too much already. The demons are going to come now and fuck with my mind and body.

I’m going now. I have two people here who seem to like me. An older woman who tells great stories but has no idea, most of the time, who she is. Her name is Helen. The other person is much younger. She is a college student. The educational system has crushed her. She is lost. For some reason, she talks to me but no one else. I like her. I feel safe with these two woman. The young woman is an artist, painter. Her name is Lynne. I think Helen, Lynne and I could become good friends. I hope so.

Annie, you have to help me. I don’t feel like I am getting better in here. It feels like my world and mind are crumbling. My body hurts. The wounds are healing but slowly. There will be scars. What’s stored in my mind is “written in my scars.” They tell the world, someone tried to shred me in order to make me disappear. I reminded them of their inherent evil when they looked at me. She was trying to destroy me in order to keep from destroying herself. But she can’t stop the destruction. The evil will eat her alive.

Goodbye, Annie.

Madison

Ps. I may not ever return from this well of darkness, but I want you to know I remembered that we met one year ago as of 2nd October 2007. Today is the 7th of October 2008. Happy Anniversary. If it weren’t for you, I would seriously be gone now.

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

surreal spirit painting

Surreal Spirit

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Moments #57: Whenever I Want You

private moments in paintings & poetry
Private Moments #57: Whenever I Want You
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 1st April 2014
Posted On Monday 14th April 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS INSIDE PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #57 — Whenever I Want You

forest green shadows (c) Jkm 2014

Forest Green Shadows © Jkm 2014

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

Whenever
I
Want You

Haiku Narrative
By Madison Taylor
7th October 2008

I always need you
Whenever I want you near
My heart breaks for you

Inside my body
The heat slowly builds hotter
The Phoenix rises

Renewed to begin
Next round in battle with life
Will we all make it

Be gone death away
Create immortality
New mythology

Philosophize world
Return logic to the mind
Thinking our own minds

Break what rules our will
Holding truth higher not wealth
Fuse hearts’ blood with Love

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *

A Writer’s Diary: Virginia Woolf — Part #7

a writer's diary
Virginia Woolf – Part #7
Excerpts from Virginia Woolf
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 25th February 2014
Posted Sunday 13th April 2014
A WRITER’S DIARY

Virginia Woolf 1

Virginia Woolf

A Writer’s Diary
Virginia Woolf – Part #7

April 20th, 1919
Woolf at 37 years

I got out
this diary
and read,
as one
always does

read one’s
own writing,
with a kind
of guilty
intensity.

I confess
that the rough
and random style
of it,
often so
ungrammatical,

and crying
for a
word altered,
afflicted me
somewhat.

I am
trying
to tell
whichever
self it is
that reads
this hereafter

that I
can write
very much better;

and take
no time
over this;

and forbid her
to let
the eye
of man
behold it.

Virginia Woolf's Monk's House Garden

Virginia Woolf’s Monk’s House Garden

virginia woolf 3

Virginia Woolf

Erik Satie: Gnossienne No. 1, 2, 3

Spark

implicit imaginative impressions
Spark
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by jK McCormack
Post Created on 7th March 2014
Posted on Saturday 12th April 2014
IMPLICIT IMAGINATIVE IMPRESSIONS

Spark – Over the Rhine

Spark

It’s not the spark that caused the fire
It was the air you breathed that fanned the flame
What you think you’ll solve with violence

Will only spread like a disease
Until it all comes ’round again
Was John the only dreamer?

Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We’ll wake up dreaming

Obsessions with self-preservation
Faded when I threw my fear away
It’s not a thing you can imagine

You either lose your fear
Or spend your life with one foot in the grave
Is God the last romantic?

Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We’ll wake up dreaming

Only love can turn this around
I wake up dreaming
Everything we’ve lost can be found
We’ll wake up dreaming

Songwriters
Angela McCluskey & David M. Shaw Shark

fire_works____by_mattthesamuraiFire Works .gif by Matt the samurai

Do Not Leave Me In This Dark Alone

cinematic catharsis a touching awakening

Do Not Leave Me In This Dark Alone
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Created 21st March 2014
Post Friday 11th April 2014
CINEMATIC CATHARSIS
[A Touching Awakening]

Lovers Last Scene – Wuthering Heights [1939]

Cathy’s heart is broken and filled with sorrow. She has no will to live. To feel such a powerful love that only death will end her longings and quiet her broken heart. She did it to herself by breaking Heathcliff’s heart first, then abandoning him for propriety, to live in her virtuous life of dullness. This leads her to marry Linton [David Niven]and the abandonment of her soul when she leaves Heathcliff behind. The life she chooses instead is one that is hollow. Her dreams were broken with her heart.

At the end for Cathy, Heathcliff arrives at her death bed to say goodbye. They share a loving moment before she dies in Heathcliff’s arms, as he holds her up at the window. Linton, the doctor and her nursemaid arrive as Heathcliff carries Cathy’s lifeless body back to her bed. He kneels to say goodbye. He stands as he then curses her. The words just below, Heathcliff proclaims over Cathy’s dead body. He wants Cathy to haunt him. Asks her, how he can live without his heart and his soul. That is what Cathy is to him and Heathcliff was to her.

Heathcliff: “Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest so long as I live on! I killed you. Haunt me, then! Haunt your murderer! I know that ghosts have wandered on the Earth. Be with me always. Take any form, drive me mad, only do not leave me in this dark alone where I cannot find you. I cannot live without my life! I cannot die without my soul.”

The following video is Cathy’s Theme from the film Wuthering Heights. The music and the still photos from the film will give you a small sense of how moving and powerful are the emotions that fill the story of Heathcliff and Cathy Earnshaw. Their love was meant to be and Cathy does not forget that but is mesmerized by the image of her life lived with Linton. So Cathy abandons her true love and true life for one filled with dilettantes and vaporous people. She breaks her own heart and causes her life to weaken from lack of what fills her life with love and reason for life, Heathcliff.

Wuthering Heights – Cathy’s Theme – Alfred Newman [1939]

Let’s Try Emotional Correctness

tell me a story
Let’s Try Emotional Correctness
TED Talk: Sally Kohn
Notations by Jennifer Kiley
Created on 8th January 2014
Posted On Thursday 10th April 2014
TELL ME A STORY

Let’s Try Emotional Correctness – TED Talk – Sally Kohn

It’s times for Liberals and Conservatives to transcend their political differences and really listen to what each other says.

Political Pundit: Optimistic talk. She is a progressive lesbian on FOX News.

It’s not about Political Correctness but about Emotional Correctness.

Amazing Visions: Timelapse of Water’s Transitions With Nature

amazing visions
Timelapse of Water’s Transitions With Nature
Notations by Jennifer Kiley
Created on 5th March 2014
Posted on Wednesday 9th April 2014
AMAZING VISIONS

Ice Chrystal Timelapse – Shawn Knol

Timelapse video of ice crystals melting, photographed using cross-polarized light.

Music: Jani R – And The Faded Notes Play
soundcloud.com/janirmusic/jani-r-and-the-faded-notes
Used under a CC license – Attribution 3.0

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

BE PREPARED.
SCENES ARE ARTISTIC
BUT GIVE OFF SUCH REALIZATION.
YOU SEE THE CYCLES OF THE SEASONS
WITH NATURE AND WITH HUMAN.
WINTER. SNOW. ICE.
SPRING THAW.
SURPRISES SPRING TO LIFE.
THE SEASON PASSES INTO SUMMER
AS GROWTH TAKES OVER EVERYTHING.
TIME FOR LEAVES TO CHANGE COLORS
AND FALL FROM TRESS.
THE GROUND IS COVERED
JUST BEFORE THE HAIL
SNOW ICE COVER EVERYTHING
ONCE AGAIN.

Chet Faker – Talk Is Cheap

Spanning 4 seasons in only three minutes and thirty seconds, this video depicts the idea that we only have a short time to be noticed and have our voice heard before we pass on. We witness the life and death of Chet Faker as he sings the chorus to his latest single “Talk Is Cheap”

Director: Toby and Pete
tobyandpete.com
facebook.com/tobyandpete

Cinematographer: Dan Freene
Styling: Rebecca Riegger
Make Up: Margo Regan

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Yosemite HD II – Timelapse

A 200+ mile backpacking experience through Yosemite National Park captured by Colin Delehanty and Sheldon Neill. This project was filmed over the course of 10 months. We spent a combined 45 days in the park capturing the images in this video.

To view the entire story, please visit projectyose.com or facebook.com/projectyose

Special thanks to borrowlenses.com, dynamicperception.com and mountainhardwear.com for their support.

Music by M83 – Lower Your Eyelids to Die with the Sun
facebook.com/m83music

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Private Writings: Chapters #56 — I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #56 – I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by NAME OF ARTIST
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 8th April 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #56 — I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

[Starting the Third Week Madison Is Being Held at the Redcliff Psychiatric Institute After a Failed Suicide Attempt...]

Tuesday 30th September 2008

Dear Annie,

I am keeping “A Writer’s Diary” just like my heroine Virginia Woolf. It sounded like a good way of keeping track of my entire short [sarcastic] stay at Redcliff [Psychiatric Institute]. In between, when I feel it, I will write something specifically addressed to you, Annie. I want you to know I miss you. My feelings are filled with an emotional and physical pain I can bearly stand. It hurts so much.

Why is love so painful?

Here is how I have set up my letters to you for the future while I am still incarcerated with people I am having such a difficult time relating to. With the exception of my psychiatrist Dr. Virginia McKinnon, and two patients I feel some closeness with in small amounts. I will tell you about them in small amounts.

“A Writer’s Diary”

Today, I could only feel Jamie being with me. No visitors until the end of this week. No contact until then. I haven’t spoken to or seen anyone. Not Scottie or Alison. No Jamie. And no Annie. I miss everyone. I miss my laptop. If I want to write, I have certain times during the day when I am allowed to have a pen and paper to use for writing. When the time is up, everything is confiscated until the next time. Dr. V [Virginia McKinnon] shows me my work when we meet in session. We talk about why my urge to die. It hasn’t stopped, my desire to end my life. But I have to find a way out of here. I thought of pretending I don’t want to die any longer. Thinking they will let me see Jamie. I am so pissed at her. I want to yell at her for saving me. WTF!!! Jamie. When someone wants to take their life, it belongs to them. I should be allowed to leave this world. Pain is too overwhelming. I can’t bear seeing the sordid images in my head. It’s too disturbing. Also, it’s absolutely ridiculous that committing suicide is against the law. What kind of charges are filed? Defendant is not able to be here. She is dead by her own hand. What kind of sentence does a judge pass down on someone who is dead due to taking their own life?

Where is Jamie? I need Jamie to hold me. No one here is warm like her. My animals. I miss their furriness snuggling next to my face, sharing my pillow. It is a Country Club here but it is sterile. No life. Maybe Jamie didn’t save me and I am in Hell.

If there is a Higher Power, which I sometimes believe, she wouldn’t punish people in the places artists have designed as that darkness filled with pure evil. Persons who kills themselves are not all bad. There is an argument for those mass killers who swallow a bullet before they can be captured and punished. Is death not a punishment? Depends on where it takes you. Did the Goddess create a place that fills a space outside of the Universe? Or are there parallel Universes and after Death we are transferred to one of the many.

Maybe it’s all a matter of what we wish or dream about as our fantasy of what Heaven or the Here After is in our Imagination.

Do I feel Nuts? Not at all. I just want to die. Wanting to die does not make one Nuts. Wanting to live in this Insane world seems at times to me a place that would make anyone develop Pure Madness.

Thoughts to think about as I sleep. More tomorrow.

Today a new patient at group today. She accused me of being a Prima Dona. My face with Jamie Stansfield, Academy Award Winning Actress, pissed her off. She accused me of thinking I was more cool than anyone else here. I lost track of reality long before she raged out on me. Am I in the film being made or am I making this film? At times it feels real but I don’t know which one. She has the look and sound of a homophobe. I told her Jamie loves me. Her language beats out mine for being outrageous. I don’t feel ashamed for being in love with women.

She accused me of being base. The lowest form of life. How could I, as a woman, touch another woman in a [crude remark from ID 666] way so blasphemous. That place was meant for a [man’s] prick*[*her word not mine]. To me a prick is a man who does not respect women. She obviously never heard of toys of the sexual kind. She, also, does not understand the way a woman in love with a woman in love with her really feels like. It is the sexiest, tenderest, lovingest, hottest, most intense feeling in the world.

She has no idea how madly obsessed I am by being pulled like a magnet to a woman’s intimate intensity and her Chloe scent. Many women attract my attention. Writing words of seduction to a woman who possesses my heart is like watching the faery like sleekness of a hummingbird drawn to their choice of honey sweet red. Watch them hover as they suck the sweet juices. It takes a great deal to satisfy their need. In work, the seduction is part of play, touch her with words, caressing words.

I am responsible for my own rape. Sylvia would never have gotten that close to me if I hadn’t been manipulated into getting Scottie to hire her all those years ago. If I’d never been seduced by her years ago, she would never have gotten into our lives. I think Scottie is starting to understand more. Being abused sexually and completely, fucks up your whole life. It can never be what you want it to be.

I just want to be loved. To be made love to without my becoming catatonic or cold inside. Making love starts out so beautifully. I want to love kissing. I have loved and kissed many women, but few knew how to touch my lips in the way I needed them to, in order that I would feel the depth and tenderness of their lips, also. All the kisses I felt have been from the kiss of women. Women who have driven me wild with the sensation of their lips on mine in a slow, sensual, passionate, lingering kiss. Don’t ever think about men in that way. Never have.

There is something I want to tell you, Annie, but first I just want you to know there is nothing to be jealous of in my relationship with my psychiatrist. I call her Dr. V or Virginia. She prefers it. She’s pretty young to be a psychiatrist or just looks young. Maybe she is a vampire. I notice, she usually sees me after dark or in an office with lights dimmed. She is exceptionally sharp. She told me I get attracted and attached to certain therapists and think I am in love with them, when really it is my unresolved feelings over my grandmother’s death and when my love Tosh was murdered. I have never gotten over their deaths.

I was too young when my grandmother died and needed her so much. And when Tosh died, I felt responsible. The crash was meant to happen to me. It was my car she died in. I should have been driving. She would still be alive. Some psychic told me she sacrificed herself for me. She was my angel. I was not supposed to die. She was there to guide me. Here I thought I was the one to be guiding her. Long story. Another time I think.

I think we’ve only just begun.

Before I end, Annie, I need to tell you some things about Jamie. She is not out in her public persona. Only her friends know and only one member of her family. That would be her younger brother, Wagner, the super-computer genius. Jamie takes him as her date to all her public functions. He supplies her and all her friends with any 1st edition new techno device he personally designs and turns into the next iPhone. Inside joke. Remember “Brief Sacrifice.” By the way, our film did grand. It has tripled the investments after overhead, stars, and crew, the rest goes to Infinite Imaginations INC. III. and to percentages.

I actually sounded logical there for a moment. What I need is some weed. I need to inhale some soothing power from the pipe Scottie hand-made for me. She is a genius in everything she touches. Except me, no one is that far advanced in genius.

Keep it mum about Jamie.

I love you, Annie. You are the one. The one Tosh keeps telling me “I need to open up to. You hold a secret. The secret is supposed to bring me happiness in tears and turn them into sorrow the day after the morrow.” I have no idea what this means. It is her message not mine.

No more Brief Sacrifice. Time traveling has to wait. Maybe I will write a short story for The New Yorker. As if they would publish a woman character who time travels trying to discover the hiding places of Nikola Tesla’s lost designs which would give infinite comfort to all on the planet. But the 1% would need to be thrown out into the sewers, with a few exceptions. The generous who are trying to make the world just and equal.

I need to send this to you. After that I will be visited by Scottie and Alison. It’s not far from home. Later Jamie is going to come out alone. We will finally be able to speak our minds and hearts. I haven’t seen any of them since that night I took all those pills. I couldn’t stand remembering. That night, Sylvia brought the evil, with her and let them in. Now they won’t go away. I will talk to V about this.

Love You Annie
Madison

© Madison Taylor 2008

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Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

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“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

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