Paints Flowers Stars Exploding Colors Falling Down

amazing visions

Paints Flowers Stars Exploding Colors Falling Down
Post Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 25th March 2014
Posted Wednesday 23rd April 2014

these videos explain themselves.
they explode with color & creativity
trip out on the psychedelic imagery
experience the magnificence of nature on earth & out into the universe
the artistry is brilliant in color & design
bring all your senses to watch these three videos

Paint Showers – Miguel Jiron

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Very Little Stars – Timelapse, Inc By Bn Wiggins.

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Plastic Flowers – Hiorganic

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Private Writings: Chapters #58 — All Together When?

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #58 – All Together When?

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #58 — All Together When?

[Madison's Fifth Week Being Held at Redcliff Psychiatric Institute After a Failed Suicide Attempt...]

Tuesday 14th October 2008

Dear Annie,

There is something important, I wish I could talk over with you. Something I know that I am not sure I should share with Dr. V. It may create some doubt in her mind and maybe in yours as well, that I am not as sane as you both would like me to be. I am eccentric and have abilities that many doubt have any validity in this culture’s reality. The Eastern World Philosophy would understand and maybe people who believe in possibilities but a great many would think in the way of the Spanish Inquisition and Puritan New England in the beginning for white immigrants from overseas. Those people had a bad habit of burning the knowledgeable and wise at the stake. The mystics and pagans who followed other than the Church of Holy Rome.

Today is it the Psychiatric Community. Or the Government wanting therapists monitoring our motives and behavior. Our sanity is in question. Wouldn’t that worry you if the Government wanted you to disappear, they just have some psychiatrists sign your life into oblivion.

Short today, had a writing project I was working on, It’s finished now. I have a new project I want to start. I want to switch my mind and challenge it up a degree or two. Goal is to write a theatre play. Will bring me close to my audience. Feel the bleeding in person. I want to work with a theatre director. And up close to the actors. Lots of professional interaction. I might even want to write a small part for myself. It is a long term bucket list item I made when I was a child. I started out wanting be an actor. Just once I can write a character for me. Por moi.

I will tell you more about it as it grows ideas into happening.

[omitted from the letter but needed to write about it. It doesn’t feel peculiar to me but I think my shrinks would question my methods of a sanity producing mindset. I want to communicate with Tosh more. A short while ago, after I had smoked some of my medical weed, I lay back on the family room’s most comfortable couch. As I relaxed on my back with head comfortably raised, I began talking out loud. Not to anyone in particular at first, but then my words were directed to Tosh. I was talking to her. Stories passed through my lips about the bizarreness of life and why was she dead. I was so happy to feel her hear me. Her presence was extremely strong. I knew she understood me. The connection was as clear as talking to you in your office.

I just relax and ask her if she would like to hang out and talk or listen. She’s always with me so she knows everything I reveal in private with only myself. Tosh is there. I love knowing she is around me. It lifts up the sensations in my mind and body. I feel her touch as the caress of a warm slightly heavy breeze. Your breath touches me inside. It is contact with you. I understand to believe is important in being able to touch both our worlds together,] [I think I am going to use this method to communicate with Tosh. Being a ghost doesn’t give you knowledge, you have to learn it on all planes of existence. The existence after we exist in this experiment. It must go on until it stops.] [ending the private communications.]

A new day in my late afternoon.

After reading some of what my thoughts and ideas, I am going to move forward and write the play I hope to take to Broadway. I am excited. I may be flipping over from a depressed state into a gradual flow into manic.

At this moment, I want to have one of our wild sessions. Where we batted the words back and forth. Digging deep into the meanings. When did humans begin thinking and denoting the meaning of the words that were being created to communicate? We have evolved, some by devolving and helping to ruin the planet faster than necessary.

I want to paint. Maybe I will find my story by looking inside a painting. One of my own or one from an artist I love. There are so many talented painters. Some who are genius and inspire creativity from within other divinely mad souls. We look for meaning by not looking for it. It will show a glimpse of itself which we will see out from the corners. Everywhere or somewhere there are always corners.

I must thank you for leading me to the door. The choice to open it was mine. What has been released cannot be returned. It is free. Free to do anything that comes to mind or something we feel in our heart.

[omission time out. Not for letter to Annie. When I think of you, I melt a touch inside. Whoever you are, my secret lover, please come to me now. I have a secret to tell. There is a new game I want to make up, that we can play. I can make a confession no matter how serious or silly, it is mine to choose. I will record any confession Tosh might want to express. Truth or Truth No Dare. What do I feel for Tosh? Or better what did I feel for Tosh after I first made contact with her? Our eyes, I looked deep into your eyes as you looked deep into mine. We were locked in an embrace of vision. Transferring images and interpretations of the symbols we presented. The eyes wanted as much as we both could allow ourselves to give and take. It was a secret look that must be protected from evil that was surrounding us from the first moment our consciousness merged. I loved you more as the moments became longer and deeper. You were merging with my soul. I don’t feel the same for Annie but I have feelings for Annie that go beyond intense. How do I tell you. I must. It is our destiny. We have a future already written. It is essential we complete our missions for being here now at this time and space. It will save a future event from being wiped off the memories of those who have lived beyond us already. Omission section has ended. Remainder of the notes and diary entries can be sent to Annie.]

I would like to close this letter by telling you Helen has been able to tell some amazing stories about her life in the theatre. She is the one who inspired me to want to write a play for the stage. Getting into my roots. How about a lesbian “A Streetcar Named Desire?” Let me sleep on this and I will write to you about a list I am thinking of making for when I go home. Top of the list is to hug and sleep with all our cats. They must think I have abandoned them, especially James & Toker & Mikey & Patrick. I love em all. I think when I go home I want to have a big barbeque and invite only a select group of people. I don’t want to see too many people. Once I get settled back into my routine I will start work on my play. What shall I call it? “Desire Is My Temptation.”

I can see it on the neon sign now in bold lettering the color of black, gold and white.







If I write it while I am recovering in Redcliff, then polish it when I am back in… I forgot. I was going to say when I am cozy in my study with my laptop and Tablet, I could tighten up and work out the play until I feel it is ready to test it out on real actors and good directing. I think it’s good for me to focus on a future. Changing the focus and some of the people will give me a chance to work on my recovery. I think it’s a matter of finding life again that has feelings, safety and love in it. Surround myself with family and close friends. And you know when I say family, I mean those of us who live at the Chateau de Rocher.

I will keep writing and working on ideas for my play, “Desire Is My Temptation.” Cool title. Now I just need to make the title into a Great Play which someday will be worthy of Broadway. Create great characters and cast the greatest actors for the parts. And I will study with someone good in NYC. That is where I would hope we would end up. I would have to relocate if it got to that point but only during the run, if it needed me. I was thinking I would want to cast myself as an understudy for one of the more challenging parts. It will be great. I don’t feel I am being delusional or hallucinating or filling myself up with illusion that will never happen. It will happen.  I have a feeling that “Everything is going to be coming up roses and daffodils for me and for you.”

I can’t wait until we all have a snuggle pajama party when I get out of here. We will talk about what to do to cleanse and reclaim my study and creative power center. It will have to be some heavy mojo to cleanse that space. I don’t want to be able to even remember what happened in the safest place on the planet for me. Lots of nightmares. I tell them to Dr. V. She is a good listener and what she tells me makes feel a little bit. But it’s too dark for me to go inside. That sets off the depression and suicidal thoughts when I think of the rape. It opens the window to all of them all jumbled up in my memories, subconscious and unconscious. It would be great to have Jung and Freud working with me. By now they would have worked out all their inhibition and oversimplification of sex being at the root of all neuroses, psychoses, hallucinations and all other present day disorders. BiPolar and now I am thinking I may have ADHD. My attention is gone unless I am in the middle of a Project. Nothing distracts me when I am on that level of concentration.

I think that’s all for now. If something occurs to me I will write it down and send in my next letter.

Love Fondly,


© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry


Black and White Love Piety by D. Silva

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Moments #58: “Be Careful In Love”

private moments in paintings & poetry
Private Moments #58: “Be Careful In Love”
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 1st April 2014
Posted On Monday 21st April 2014

Private Writings: Chapter #58 — All Together When?

invisible space within empty space (c) Jkm 2014Invisible space within empty space (c) Jkm 2008

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~

hands reaching out into rain

“Be Careful In Love”
By Madison Taylor
14th October 2008

Time measures moments
Once they are past the present
Touches inside deep

Remember backwards
Memories will go both ways
Sides will be taken

Love travels with you
Anywhere you want to go
Ride the Universe

You have Sophie’s Choice
Heaven or Hell Life or Death
Life’s Grande Illusion

Be careful in Love
Touch her soul gently at night
In dreams hold softly

Do not seek out Death
Soon enough the waiting ends
Whisper to the ghosts

Soundless to their ears
Though they be invisible
Ghosts are real they’re here

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif


garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *


liberate marijuana
Post Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created on Sunday 20th April 2014 [420 - 4/20]
Posted on Sunday 4/20 402 20th April [4/2014]
FREE THE WEED DAY 420 – 4/20

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3


marijuana political-pot-power 1


beautiful marijuana bud


marijuana_leaf reiki


primo marijuana buds


marijuana-fist 1

MMJ <3 <3 <3

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bg

“Medical Marijuana and Bipolar Disorder”

The Young Woman brave enough to make this video. In honest self-disclosure, she goes through the fate of using “pharma” and its destructive capabilities vs. the use of MMJ Medical Marijuana and its redeeming qualities in treating Bipolar and other Health Issues. {I feel the same toward “psych pharma meds.” They were so destructive to my mind and body. Physical illnesses were a result of the variety of pills my ex-psychiatrists prescribed for me. Now I am Licensed to use MMJ & I am slowly feeling able to eat & actually feel hungry once I put the food in my mouth}.

[The Speaker on Video Wrote the following] thanks everyone for watching. I was inspired to put a more full version after I was included in a documentary that will come out in August. I was nervous during my interview during the documentary, wary on what to share and how to share it, but I truly believe in the movement and I hope my voice is heard!

If you can find the time to listen to what she has to say on this video, if you have Bipolar & feel you are feeling like you are not able to get your Bipolar to cooperate with you. Moods can turn you into a child having a tantrum & at other times, you have the feelings that you could accomplish anything. I try to keep my “Ego” under control & ignore sometimes. I have a Great Psychotherapist finally. She gets me & was monumental along with my Primary Care Doctor in bringing about my achievement of being able to LEGALLY light up & inhale MMJ.

It is far more intense & organic, so much more improved from what I smoked pre-college, during college, and after college. I was self-medicating without self-awareness that it was what I was doing. Everything was fine. Then I stopped smoking Weed. WHY? Haven’t a real clue on that one.

I then started being given prescriptions for any new anti-depressant which would cost a fortune. So for over a decade I consumed anti-depressants without mood stabilizers. [Mood Stabilizers are a must with Anti-Depressants or they can set off Bipolar Moods such as Depression or Mania, which eventually lead you to crashing from your manic high and falling into the pit of Hell with the Darkest Depression and the Heightened Mood of Feeling Suicidal.] It was bad enough the anti-depressants caused me to be depressed but I was feeling suicidal almost constantly.

They also forgot to tell me I had this brain misfiring problem called Bipolar, probably since I was a young kid. All the Bipolar evidence presented itself when I was a young child. I can see them all written in gold now. I was given my mental health chart by my psychotherapist. I asked her if I could see it. [I didn't know I could see my MH Chart any time]. The woman I am seeing now. We discovered together what my shrinks had been trying to hide from me all those many years of feeling suicidal & almost succeeding on several occasions.

The day I recieved the truth was on 4/20 three years ago exactly TODAY 4/20/14. And I started smoking MMJ on the 20th of December 2013. That would be 32 months from the day I discovered my diagnosis until I was able to light up my first bowl of Pure Sativa Afghan Kush Medical Marijuana LEGALLY. Prior to that evening, to LEGALLY PURCHASE Medical Marijuana that same day but in the later afternoon.

That evening was the first time I felt good in forever. Before I inhaled the MMJ, I felt awful. I had four surgeries in less than a year in 2013. I was sick to my stomach. I was in pain. I hadn’t been able to eat in a very long time. I had no appetite. Would forget to eat. I just didn’t think of food. The thought of food made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t sleep. I was losing weight way too fast. I felt like I was dying & I do not exaggerate when I make that statement. “Miracle” Marijuana/Weed has saved my life.

I still have set backs & forget to smoke before I go to the kitchen. Entering our kitchen makes me feel extremely nauseous anytime I enter it unless I have smoked some MMJ. It is amazing what MMJ is doing for me. If you can’t smoke it, there are many ways to ingest the MMJ. Just ask your Doctor or contact your state government offices. Find out whether your location has access to Medical Marijuana that is LEGALLY okay to possess and smoke. Be sure to find out how much MMJ you are allowed to have in your possession at any given time & where you are permitted to smoke it. Right now the laws are pretty strict.

Hopefully, the laws will loosen up once Marijuana is closer to being completely LEGALIZED!!! —Jkm 2014 on 420 4/20


Latest Entry for ‘the secret keeper’ page BIPOLAR & MEDICAL MARIJUANA MMJ – CLICK ON LINK

A Writer’s Diary: Virginia Woolf — Part #8

a writer's diary
Virginia Woolf – Part #8
Excerpts from Virginia Woolf
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 25th February 2014
Posted Sunday 20th April 2014

Virginia Woolf 1

Virginia Woolf

A Writer’s Diary
Virginia Woolf – Part #8

April 20th, 1919
Woolf at 37 years

And now
I may add
my little

to the effect
that it has
a slapdash
and vigour

and sometimes
an unexpected
bull’s eye.

But what is
more to
the point

is my belief
that the habit
of writing

for my
own eye
is good

It loosens
the ligaments.

Never mind
the misses
the stumbles.

at such
a pace
as I do

I must
make the
most direct
instant shots
at my

and thus
have to
lay hands
on words,

choose them
and shoot them

with no
more pause
than is needed

to put
my pen
in the ink.

Virginia Woolf's Monk's House Garden

Virginia Woolf’s Monk’s House Garden

virginia woolf 3

Virginia Woolf

Erik Satie: Gnossienne No. 1, 2, 3

Do You Dream of Me?

implicit imaginative impressions

Do You Dream of Me?
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by jK McCormack
Post Created 8th March 2014
Posted on Saturday 19th April 2014

Tiamet – Do You Dream of Me?

Do You Dream of Me?
by Edlund, Sorychta

Come down, slowly
I’m waiting by your side
Come down, carefully
I’m waiting by your side
Ill grab you when you fall
Down to the waking hours
Silents sweeps as golden corn
Down to the waking hours
How I wish that I could
Break into your dreams
Do I have the force I need
To break into your dreams
I hold you in my arms
Dimmed by scarlet morning red
I whisper in your ear
Do you dream of me ?

dark lords by jk mccormack (c) jkm 2014

Daemon Lords by jK McCormack (c) jKm 2014

lights out!!! – a short film

close encounters of the creative kind
lights out!!!
Post Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 25th March 2014
Posted Friday 18th April 2014

be prepared
don’t drink while watching this film
mj license for a hit
i would highly suggest leaving the lights on
otherwise enjoy ;-)

lights out - David F. Sandberg

Lightness of Being: Stop Loving the Bomb & Send a Funny Letter

lightness of being day wednesday negative
Stop Loving the Bomb & Send a Funny Letter
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Post Created 19th March 2014
Posted on Wednesday


Bob Newhart – “Defusing A Bomb” – HILARIOUS!

Paul Lynde Hollywood Squares

David Allen on Post Offices


“Sometimes crying or laughing
are the only options left,
and laughing feels better right now.”
— Veronica Roth, Divergent

“Anything with the power to
make you laugh over thirty years
later isn’t a waste of time. I
think something like that is
very close to immortality.”
— Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis

“Laughter is wine for the soul -
laughter soft, or loud and deep,
tinged through with seriousness -
the hilarious declaration made by
man that life is worth living.”
— Seán O’Casey

Private Writings: Chapters #57 — Whenever I Want You

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #57 – Whenever I Want You

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 15th April 2014

Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #57 — Whenever I Want You

[Madison's Fourth Week Being Held at Redcliff Psychiatric Institute After a Failed Suicide Attempt...]

Tuesday 7th October 2008

Dear Annie,

Writings from my own “A Writer’s Diary,” while I am inside Redcliff Psychiatric Institute. It is the best way to keep track of what is going on. I want evidence if they fuck me up more than I already am. So far they haven’t forced any pharma meds on me, and they won’t allow me access to my Medical Marijuana either, even though I am licensed to legally use it as a medication to treat health issues and as my psych meds. I stopped taking pharma except for Klonopin. Getting off of that feels almost as bad as I imagine stopping cold from heroin. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. My insides felt jumpy and nauseous. I was going from cold sweats to freezing than feeling like I couldn’t cool off. My mind was freaking me out. I finally told my doctor I needed to keep taking at least half of the dosage. It was feeling impossible to stop. Seems I am stuck with the Klonopin until my doc and I can figure out how to trick my system into thinking it is still receiving my drug of choice to killing myself.

Jamie, my sweet friend, with whom I am wickedly crushing on, saved my life. Not so sure I’ve decided yet to thank her. Jamie blew my mind when she played Carter McLeod in my recent screenwriting success in “Brief Sacrifice.” She was excellent. Scottie told me the gross at present is well over $45,000,000. We made it for $17,500,000, rounded off. It has only just been released overseas.

It’s a great time traveling mystery hooked into Nikola Tesla. It has the edge of the book “Da Vinci Code,” but the film is tighter and more thrilling. Having a female protagonist is what makes it so much more intriguing. It gets pretty exhausting always having a man be the hero. Come on, men are not as brave as women. They like to think so but their guts churn as much as ours do, except society won’t allow men to show their more delicate feminine side. There is nothing wrong with a man being sensitive, nor a woman. Being a man in this world may have its perks but I would never want to be a man, too vulnerable in many ways.

A new day.

As usual, I went way off subject while writing my entry yesterday. Jamie’s visit was touching and depressing. I told her I thought I was in love with her, but it had nothing to do with sex. It was the feeling of closeness with her that made me feel secure. Like I wasn’t alone. I just wanted her to hold me while we would just lie down together and snuggle. More for comfort than something prurient. It was all innocent. Jamie wasn’t sure it was a good idea to get that close. What would Scottie think?

Scottie and I have an understanding. Nothing ever becomes sexual unless it is forced. I don’t sleep with other woman for sex. I have never slept with anyone for sex. The fact that sex has been foisted upon me by the desires of other people, is not my doing. My therapists have all told me, the sexual abuse and the mind and emotional abuse scarred me so severely when I was a child and the abuse followed me into my adult life. I have always been unable to stop an abuser. My fight or flight reflexes don’t work. I freeze when threatened by anything and I don’t know how to stop a person from forcing themselves on me.

When Sylvia’s drug incapacitated me, it was like living in a nightmare. My body couldn’t shut down. My usual escape route was blocked off by her cleverness. I couldn’t dissociate. She had me trapped. I saw and felt everything that she did. It was brutal. She was brutal. It felt like having surgery without anesthesia. It’s why I had to kill myself. What she did when she stole my means of removing myself from her abuse, it opened the door for all my abusers to gang rape me, beginning that night and ever since. All the things they have done have been flooding my mind and body ever since the night Sylvia took me hostage, paralyzed me, and sexually savaged my body. It was painful on all levels of sensitivity. Sylvia was possessed by a demon when she raped me. The time was endless. I never felt she would stop. In fact, she didn’t stop on her own.

Jamie broke through the locked door to my study. Once she was in the room, she assessed the situation and immediately attacked Sylvia and pulled Sylvia away from me. It was at that moment when James leaped on Sylvia’s back. He latched his claws into her back while he pinned her to the floor. James is a Savannah cat. He is enormous. His weight is over 40 pounds. He sat on her, with claws dug in while Jamie called ‘911’ and the three of us waited for them to arrive.

Where was Scottie? I wanted to see Scottie. She would know what to do. But I couldn’t speak. I was in a drug haze which shut down my motor functions, including my speech center. Jamie must have seen the helplessness in my eyes, and realized I needed help right away. She tried Scottie on her cell but no answer. She sent a text, hoping Scottie would see it and come right after seeing the text.

The police and paramedics arrived, one after the other. That caught Scottie’s attention from their party. She had no idea what the fuck was going on. She followed them to where I was. Jamie had given instructions to the ‘911’ operator. Once Scottie was in my study, she looked around in a stunned fashion and asked Jamie, “What the Hell is going on here? What happened to Madison?”

Jamie explained it as much as she could figure out. Sylvia drugged Madison. She told Scottie the study door was locked and when I didn’t answer. Jamie thought that was too odd so she broke down the door. What she saw was so disturbing, she told Scottie she couldn’t describe it, except to say that Sylvia was literally raping me. She said, I was silent. I appeared unable to speak at all.

Scottie rushed over to me. I was being attended to by the paramedics. They were taking my vitals. My pulse and heartbeat were extremely slow. They called into the ER of the nearest hospital. They told the doctor on call, they had a patient who had a weak and thready pulse. They were concerned it may be a drug overdose but not self-administered. Instead the paramedic told the doctor, she felt the patient was in shock from the effects of the drug. Also, the patient had undergone a situation where she was forcibly raped by another woman who used objects, which visibly were covered in blood, that would have cause internal injuries, possibly tearing the flesh.

The paramedic went on to describe the patient, me, that I had severe cuts on my body that were still bleeding. Other bleeding came from wounds within my mouth, and internally from inside my vaginal area. How deep the injuries were could not be detected in the field. The patient needed immediate ultrasound.

I heard what she was saying to the doctor at the ER and felt like I was in a movie theatre hearing a scene after a battle in a war zone.

The female paramedic kept giving the doctor information. She told the doctor they did not know how the drug was administered or specifically what the drug was or whether there was only one drug used. Scottie was hearing all this as she stared into my eyes. I could see her tears. She held my hand and kept squeezing it as the paramedics worked on me. Her hand felt good holding mine. It took me away from the circus going on around me.

The doctor ordered the paramedics to rush me immediately to the ER for tests and to start flushing the drugs out of my system. Once that was achieved, they would do further tests to see what kind of physical damage was caused due to the attack and rape.

The paramedics secured me to the stretcher. Once it was elevated, they rushed me out of my study, taking a route that would not bring me into the area where the party was taking place. They were trying to be as sensitive as possible and to cause the least amount of added trauma to me. I was a corpse with a pulse at this point, and a thready one at that.

What I could feel is my life slipping away. How long was I with Sylvia? How long was she using my body as her own torture victim? Time was irrelevant. It has disappeared. My mind wasn’t functioning. Jamie filled me in on all of this today. All that she was able to put together herself.

The hospital was not talking to anyone about me except Scottie. Even with Scottie, they tried to give her a difficult time seeing me. I had signed a power of attorney and a living will giving Scottie control of my health. This kept the hospital from blocking her from me and my records. So Scottie was able to find out everything there was to know at present, but she decided I didn’t need to know everything.

Scottie is a great protector but I needed to know. She felt I should talk to you, Annie. It seems she has spoken to you and filled you in. Maybe you can tell me more. Jamie told me what her perceptions picked up, but she doesn’t know everything. What really happened that night?

Dr. Virginia McKinnon, my psychiatrist here at Redcliff, won’t even tell me what she knows. Her theory is, it would be too dangerous to me to have all the information at once. She was concerned it might trigger an even stronger reaction to my feeling suicidal. The information would overload my mind, and push me closer to the edge than I am already.

A new day.

Jamie, I fell asleep last night thinking of you. My wish is for you to be my emotional lover. Someone I can have feelings for but who will not abandon me. I feel Jamie is safe. She is going to be showing up soon. After our visit, I will record what happened between us.

Later, after seeing Jamie.

Jamie told me she loved me but as a friend, not someone she had romantic feelings for. I tried to explain, I just wanted to be close. No sexual demands, strictly love, pure love. She told me we could talk about this another time. When I was stronger. It seemed it really needed a better setting than a psych hospital. She wasn’t going away, but past hugging, Jamie didn’t feel she could give that to me, even though she realized I needed someone to be close to me, to hold me. “Give Scottie a chance.” That is what Jamie suggested. I wasn’t sure Scottie would want to. Scottie was not into touching and cuddling. It wasn’t what she needed from me, to make a demand of closeness. Not really a demand but a need on my part.

I decided to tell Jamie to go. We would talk soon but I needed to rest. The truth is, I wanted to be alone. Not really alone. I wanted to think about Tosh. She had been on my mind a great deal. I have been having conversations with her for a while now. The reason I haven’t mentioned it, I thought you would think I was losing it.

Now I think it’s time for me to let Tosh back into my consciousness. She has been around, wanting me to give her my attention. Annie, you do realize who Tosh is? I know I haven’t really talked much about her but maybe I need to at least free myself to listen to her. At night, she comes to me when I am trying to go to sleep. I feel her lying next to me. It’s quite safe. She is a ghost. Not like she is going to harm me. We loved each other and were only just starting to feel our closeness. When we kissed, it was like magic. Time would slow and the sensation was deep and consuming. I don’t feel either of us ever wanted to stop kissing but life was there and calling us back to reality.

Tosh was involved with a murderous woman when she met me. As we grew closer, she broke off her relationship with her ex. That woman didn’t take it well. For now, that is all I want to say about that. I just want to think about Tosh as she is now, away from the nightmare that stole her from me. Now I just want to feel her lying next to me in silence. We talk sometimes. Tosh listens to me than gives me her response. I feel her energy touching me. It feels like a total infusion.

Maybe I need to escape this world and be with Tosh. She is the only one who wants to be with me. I need Tosh. I love Tosh and want to be with her.

I know what you’re going to say, “But Tosh is dead, how can you be with her, unless you are dead.”

That is one way, but we can be together without my having to die.

I don’t want to talk about this with you right now. I’ve said too much already. The demons are going to come now and fuck with my mind and body.

I’m going now. I have two people here who seem to like me. An older woman who tells great stories but has no idea, most of the time, who she is. Her name is Helen. The other person is much younger. She is a college student. The educational system has crushed her. She is lost. For some reason, she talks to me but no one else. I like her. I feel safe with these two woman. The young woman is an artist, painter. Her name is Lynne. I think Helen, Lynne and I could become good friends. I hope so.

Annie, you have to help me. I don’t feel like I am getting better in here. It feels like my world and mind are crumbling. My body hurts. The wounds are healing but slowly. There will be scars. What’s stored in my mind is “written in my scars.” They tell the world, someone tried to shred me in order to make me disappear. I reminded them of their inherent evil when they looked at me. She was trying to destroy me in order to keep from destroying herself. But she can’t stop the destruction. The evil will eat her alive.

Goodbye, Annie.


Ps. I may not ever return from this well of darkness, but I want you to know I remembered that we met one year ago as of 2nd October 2007. Today is the 7th of October 2008. Happy Anniversary. If it weren’t for you, I would seriously be gone now.

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

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Surreal Spirit

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

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Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

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