Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
Miss You So Much More 14
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
First Published March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Fourteenth Posted June 18th 2013
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
New Year’s Day
I didn’t realize how much you effected me. Not seeing you now for over two weeks and still 7 days to go, feels unbearable, Missing you was not something I expected. Not this strong. I’ve gotten too attached. The way it feels, is awful. Please I can’t wait for you to be my private analyst. When will it happen? I have to stop feeling this way. I’m diving into a really deep depression. I’m not so sure I haven’t started to transcend into that dark hole. It’s always waiting for me. It teases me when I am totally alone. Scottie is away but will be back tonight. She has been working on her latest film. I should say our film. I wrote the original screenplay. It’s almost ready for release but needed some extra touches done on the editing. They needed the director to make some decisions on the final cut. I think it’s going to make a great film. Story is being kept hush-hush. I’ll tell you when I can.
I love writing screenplays. I just love writing. I keep my writing edge by occasionally writing short stories, even work on several novels which eventually end up as screenplays. Writing novels helps me develop the visual settings and characters and the story tends to grow around that. What I really love, as often as I am able, is to write poetry. That’s where I work out my feeling and thoughts the most. It keeps the divine madness and artistic temperament under a mostly manageable control. Maybe that is what I will do. I’ll write a poem for you. Someday, after we start meeting, I will show some of my poems and other writing to you. But first, I have to be sure you won’t misunderstand how I feel. Even I don’t know or understand that myself. It still makes me insecure about whatever I feel. Someday I will explain what I mean by that.
I am going to include a poem in this letter. I’ll try to express my feelings. My love has nowhere else to grow and nowhere else to be expressed. Love rises above the sordidness of anything Earthly. It transcends to something divine. Untouched, untainted by the baser senses. When I write a poem it releases the pain inside us. Reaching the pureness. How do I tell you that I have strong feelings for you, without scaring you away. My intensity has been with me since birth. If I am drawn to anything or anyone, it is in my nature to be taken over by an intense passion. My release is to express the overwhelming feelings into my art. It releases the stress, some anyway. But it continues to regenerate. I have feelings for you, maybe you’ve noticed. But I’m afraid you will misunderstand them. I had a therapist who made what I felt into something that was ugly. One of my alters now feels love is bad, which makes her feel innately bad. Her feelings have been corrupted. This fucking therapist totally fucked her up over this. Now we don’t trust anyone with how we feel. We don’t even trust ourselves.
We are hoping for more understanding from you. Nothing wrong with feeling love. Attraction toward another human is quite part of one’s nature. We love animals. They communicate realness. Humans don’t, not ever. What I feel is good. I want to share my feelings of joy and happiness and love. Why do people corrupt goodness by making it impure and perverse. The way the abusers destroyed those feelings in me. One would expect better to come from a healer. A psychotherapist is suppose to be understanding. Not another person to damage what you feel. Especially, when your feelings are natural. I’m talking about burning away fear and mistrust and converting it into trust and openness with a new person. If badness blocks you, what do you do. I feel I have found in you a truly gifted and trusting person. You show no fears when you open up and you don’t turn away from someone else’s nightmares. You are not afraid of love. Giving it or sharing it.
I have been working on a theory for quite some time now about the true nature of love and the multiple layers that love takes. First, love is eternal. It is the power that fills the soul and ignites the universe infinitely. Love gets confused with the energy found in the expressions of sex. I believe they are two separate sources of energy. Sex can be expressed separate from love. Love is expressed separate from sex. It doesn’t need sexual energy to exist. The two can be brought together but they don’t need the other. Love is a higher energy. Sex is a lower energy. Sex is a momentary release of a physical reaction. Love is all intensive and filled with the energy of the universe. Love is divine and fills you up continually.
When someone tells you they love you, if their words are truthful, they are feeling the energy of the universe within themselves and want to share those feelings by sharing the energy of love with you.
What I am trying to say is your absence makes me feel these feelings more intensely. I miss having contact with you. It feel agitated in your absence. My feelings overwhelm me and cause so much pain, physical and emotional. I just want to be near you. When I cannot be near you, I go mad. I’m becoming rather attached. I don’t know what to do when I feel this way. It is a real problem for me. It is difficult to think about you. The effect you have on me. I know I will feel better once you return. Seeing you again will make all the difference.
I don’t understand why I feel this way. Please explain to me why only certain people cause these feeling in me. It is rare I feel this intensity or pain for anyone. Mostly, I just see someone and when I am not with them, they are either forgotten or I just think I will see them again. That’s it. With you, my feelings are monumental in proportion. It is love. An intense form of love that drives me into a madness. I feel crazy. Is your love so pure? Or is my love so pure for you that it has no censorship that filters its’ intensity. My attachment to you is more than I can handle on my own but there isn’t anyone I can talk to. Not even you. I have to keep this locked up.
If we work together, maybe someday, then I will be able to tell you this in person. I am just overwhelmed. It’s like looking at the sun without a filter, it burns out your sight. Am I too sensitive or open and the feelings for you and myself crash together like magnets that have been turned up to full power? I just don’t understand.
I will have to write more about this in future letters. Maybe, I will find some answers.
Until I see you again SOON. I cannot write another thought. It is too confusing.
Happy New Year Annie.
Fondly & In PAIN,
Thirst of the Soul
By Madison Taylor
December 27th 2007
Dark holes for escape.
Listener to listen.
Take the edge off without useless drugs.
Soothing sounds of trust
Taking the burden away.
Clearness of mind to hold onto.
Will lift up spirit.
Always in the wings.
Great lift off.
Soaring above the clouds.
Above the storm.
Love offered freely.
Never going away.
Vent the rage.
Cry tears of pain.
Tears of water
To feed the thirst of the soul.
Water the trees.
The love awaits.
Arms waiting to hold.
Embrace a heart so raw.
Love with softness and warmth.
Remember time does not count.
It is all relative.
Come when ready.
Arrival time open.
© madison taylor 2007
QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor
“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”
“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist
“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poe
QUOTATIONS on MISS YOU SO MUCH MORE:
“If the portraits of our absent friends are pleasant to us, which renew our memory of them and relieve our regret for their absence by a false and empty consolation, how much more pleasant are letters which bring us the written characters of the absent friend.” ― Héloïse d’Argenteuil, The Letters of Abélard and Héloïse
“It was going to be a long, dark night but not quite as dark as it was in the abyss of his heart where there was nothing but hollowness, yet it felt heavy, almost as if someone still resided there.” ― Faraaz Kazi
“Do you know what the mathematical expression is for longing? … The negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you are missing something.” ― Peter Høeg, Smilla’s Sense of Snow
“Do you think everybody misses somebody? I believe, sometimes, that the whole world has an aching heart.” ― Kate DiCamillo, Because of Winn-Dixie