bipolar om med cannabis






Newest Entry is on the Holy Day of 420 or 4/20 FREE THE LEAF DAY & THIS YEAR of 2014 – 420 FALLS ON EASTER

LoveLoveLove Namaste!!! Om Shanthi!!!

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Created on Sunday 20th April 2014 [420 – 4/20]
Posted on Sunday 4/20 420 20th April [4/2014]
FREE THE WEED DAY 420 – 4/20



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“Medical Marijuana and Bipolar Disorder”

The Young Woman brave enough to make this video. In honest self-disclosure, she goes through the fate of using “pharma” and its destructive capabilities vs. the use of MMJ Medical Marijuana and its redeeming qualities in treating Bipolar and other Health Issues. {I feel the same toward “psych pharma meds.” They were so destructive to my mind and body. Physical illnesses were a result of the variety of pills my ex-psychiatrists prescribed for me. Now I am Licensed to use MMJ & I am slowly feeling able to eat & actually feel hungry once I put the food in my mouth}.

[The Speaker on Video Wrote the following] thanks everyone for watching. I was inspired to put a more full version after I was included in a documentary that will come out in August. I was nervous during my interview during the documentary, wary on what to share and how to share it, but I truly believe in the movement and I hope my voice is heard!



On With the Thought for Discussion

It is far more intense & organic, so much more improved from what I smoked pre-college, during college, and after college. I was self-medicating without self-awareness that it was what I was doing. Everything was fine. Then I stopped smoking Weed. WHY? Haven’t a real clue on that one.

I then started being given prescriptions for any new anti-depressant which would cost a fortune. So for over a decade I consumed anti-depressants without mood stabilizers. [Mood Stabilizers are a must with Anti-Depressants or they can set off Bipolar Moods such as Depression or Mania, which eventually lead you to crashing from your manic high and falling into the pit of Hell with the Darkest Depression and the Heightened Mood of Feeling Suicidal.] It was bad enough the anti-depressants caused me to be depressed but I was feeling suicidal almost constantly.

They also forgot to tell me I had this brain misfiring problem called Bipolar, probably since I was a young kid. All the Bipolar evidence presented itself when I was a young child. I can see them all written in gold now. I was given my mental health chart by my psychotherapist. I asked her if I could see it. [I didn’t know I could see my MH Chart any time]. The woman I am seeing now. We discovered together what my shrinks had been trying to hide from me all those many years of feeling suicidal & almost succeeding on several occasions.

The day I recieved the truth was on 4/20 three years ago exactly TODAY 4/20/14. And I started smoking MMJ on the 20th of December 2013. That would be 32 months from the day I discovered my diagnosis until I was able to light up my first bowl of Pure Sativa Afghan Kush Medical Marijuana LEGALLY. Prior to that evening, to LEGALLY PURCHASE Medical Marijuana that same day but in the later afternoon.

That evening was the first time I felt good in forever. Before I inhaled the MMJ, I felt awful. I had four surgeries in less than a year in 2013. I was sick to my stomach. I was in pain. I hadn’t been able to eat in a very long time. I had no appetite. Would forget to eat. I just didn’t think of food. The thought of food made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t sleep. I was losing weight way too fast. I felt like I was dying & I do not exaggerate when I make that statement. “Miracle” Marijuana/Weed has saved my life.

I still have set backs & forget to smoke before I go to the kitchen. Entering our kitchen makes me feel extremely nauseous anytime I enter it unless I have smoked some MMJ. It is amazing what MMJ is doing for me. If you can’t smoke it, there are many ways to ingest the MMJ. Just ask your Doctor or contact you state government offices. Find out whether your location has access to Medical Marijuana that is LEGALLY okay to possess and smoke. Be sure to find out how much MMJ you are allowed to have in your possession at any given time & where you are permitted to smoke it. Right now the laws are pretty strict.

Hopefully, the laws will loosen up once Marijuana is closer to being completely LEGALIZED!!! —Jkm 2014 on 420 4/20



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Prompted by the brave comment of a fellow traveler
through the world of BIPOLAR & C-PTSD & for me


CHARTING BEST STRAINS OF CANNABIS/MEDICAL MARIJUANA FOR TREATMENTS Best Site I Have Found So Far that Is Extremely Extensive On Treatment Use of Cannabis/Medical Marijuana.

IBS: Recommend Trainwreck & Blueberry to calm the symptoms and spasms. DO NOT ALTER DIET QUICKLY [these are available in my MED CABINET]
NAUSEA: Sativa &/or Indica. Just a pinch. Smoke it.
APPETITE: should have a positive effect.
ANOREXIA: Sativa &/or Indica. The nausea has to be treated & the appetite needs to be stimulated.
BIPOLAR DISORDER: Medical Marijuana (Cannabinoids) Relieve Bipolar Symptoms: Try Medical Marijuana for symptom relief:

Appetite Stimulant (Sativa’s)
Mood Elevators (Sativa’s)
Fatigue (Sativa’s)
Sleep Disturbances (Indica’s)
Hyperactivity (Indica’s)
Mania (Indica’s)
Focus (Sativa’s)

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First Steps Toward Healing Using Medical Marijuana
24th December 2013

On 20th December 2013, I began a new journey, something I have been seeking for years. Being able to use Medical Marijuana/Cannabis to treat my physical ailments. My first hit/toke/inhaling of medical marijuana happened in the evening of the date above. It was the Friday and the week following Friday the 13th. A lucky day for me. It was a long journey to get to this day and a long trip to drive to the Medical Marijuana Dispensary in our state. My partner did the driving and has been encouraging all through my wanting to use Medical Marijuana.

The process of my applying for the legal use and possession of Medical Marijuana. She did all the paperwork. I type on my laptop or Tablet but writing is difficult with my right hand. Pressure on a nerve in the vertebrae of my neck is causing my whole right side to be effected. It starts at my neck, goes over my shoulder, down my arm, in through my wrist and causes a great deal of pain when I use my right hand for any activity. When I type, my hand is pretty stationary, so I only feel it after I am through for the day.

On Friday, in the early evening, I began my new journey of learning how to use the medicinal qualities of Medical Marijuana. First test was to figure out what would be the best strain of MM for nausea. I felt it while I was at the dispensary and part of the way on the drive back. Once I settled in, I went over our choices of strain. Quite a fun collection of names for each one. We bought 3 types of strains for Sativa and three types for Indica. So there were 6 strains we need work on figuring out which does the best job for what problem.

Very first choice to smoke was Double Blueberry, an Indica strain. It’s an MM for the evening and for sleep. I took a pinch out of the package of DB and tucked it into a modified pipe. We were waiting for a certifiable small smoking pipe to arrive in the post. We are going to order more pipes. It may sound strange, but it makes sense to me, if you are smoking different strains, you are going to want to leave the unsmoked MM in the pipe. My first hit of DB was a misfire. I forgot how to get the smoke started.

It was only a short temporary lapse. Next attempt, success, there was fire and smoke and an inhale I held in as long as possible until I started to cough. It always use to start me coughing until I got use to smoking. I only needed one hit. In fact, at the dispensary, my guide into the use of Medical Marijuana, one thing she emphasized, take only one hit. It takes a short time to take effect but if you don’t wait for it, you will really get in trouble. You will get too high. I haven’t made that mistake. Almost did. Thought, this isn’t working on one hit. I was smart, listened and waited. Those who wait are often rewarded with more pleasure. That’s the way it is. That’s the way it was.

This first smoked hit of DB Medical Marijuana strain was more than enough of a relaxing med. I felt no pain. I couldn’t sense an appetite, even though I should have been hungry. My partner finally got me to accept she was going to make me a Turkey Cheeseburger with Lettuce and Tomatoe, Mayo and ketchup on the lightly toasted 12 grain bread, no crust. The food was presented with a side order of French Fries and Pickles. I bit into the Cheeseburger. My Parrot, Saki, started digging into it, also.

Suddenly, my body was overcome with attack the Cheeseburger. I could not tell you I was hungry, but my body was acting naturally to the hidden desire to eat. A success. The very first inhale gave be my desire back for a delicious Turkey Cheeseburger with the works. It was the messiest consumption of food. Like a scene from Tom Jones by Henry Fielding, the film starring Albert Finney. A book and film from long ago, I was still a child.

This was the first thing I had eaten or tried to eat that didn’t make me feel nauseous before, during or after. When it comes to nutrition, one cannot have the luxury of choosing from a particular food group. One needs to eat what one needs to eat, it’s a matter of survival.

During the day, I have worked it out slowly. I smoke something that will alleviate pain, give me an appetite, stop nausea, and give me energy and the ability to focus. The choice would come from the Sativa side of the strains. The three I had help choosing are Afghan Kush, Train Wreck [haven’t tried this one yet], Critical Jack [nicknamed Crack].

The evening and night time going to bed and sleep strains go under the heading of Indica. I choose with guidance, Double Blueberry [gave me my first night of sleep on MM and I slept soundly. even fell sleep before 11pm], Blueberry [mellow and sleep well but not as long a sleep as I had with the DB], Sensi Star [this calms me but it doesn’t keep me asleep. my mind feels edgy and not in deep enough sleep].

The new Medical Marijuana is a success as far as what it needs to do to help me get healthy again. It will be a slow process but I take a hit. It lasts for a long time. I feel able to write, paint, read, or do anything I want. I haven’t driven anywhere since Friday so I haven’t had to worry about the effects of MM regarding it. When I have my appts on Thursday and Friday. I will have to forgo using the MM until I get back from them.

One is my chiropractor. He will be good to talk to while he organizes my body to feel better. He will understand the physical effects of the MM. The day before I see my therapist, which will be good. I can talk to her about how I have been reacting to this new state my body is feeling and how great it is effecting my mind, my thinking. The clarity in my mind is excellent. My creative work is excelling. I am biased but I feel comfortable with the heightened senses. In my situation, it is the reawakening of the my senses that have been dormant, almost dead, for so long. It is a joy and exciting to feel my body again.

I could sense what I should feel but it was difficult to touch my feelings or express them as I was feeling them. Too much fear possesses me and excitement. The most difficult emotions for me to express with anyone else. With the Medical Marijuana, my senses have been open. I feel more connected to everything about me.

I am looking forward, as I progress into the treatment of the use of Medical Marijuana. Many people need to know how this treatment improves how one feels. Every sensation feels like my life has been renewed. It feels better sometimes, more time than it does not. My partner is helping me judge what works.

I would unequivocally rate Medical Marijuana with 5***** Stars out of 5***** for its undeniable medicinal benefits. And look forward to its continued help to treat what needs treatment.

I have to figure out the right strain for my manic phase when I get into a talking jag. Studying my behavior and my partner giving me feedback, I find I do talk a bit just after the beginning effects of the MM kick in but I settle down and feel mellow and comfortable. I feel I have better control of expressing my ideas. I don’t feel out of control or I am talking nonsense. Just the opposite, I feel like my mind has been opened and I can think more freely. But I could get lost in my writing and think rapidly before the MM. With the MM I feel more like I have more control. That is a good sign.

I have not been depressed for awhile now. Tired but not depressed in any overt way of which I am aware. We will have to see if a depression comes on what happens. I do have the MM to treat depression as well mania. I must say I feel much more leveled out. It is just the beginning so I don’t want to prematurely conclude anything yet. But I want to say, I feel different, in a good way. I am very happy and excited to be able to have the alternative treatments for all the physical problems. I feel assured they are helping me.

Time for an appetite to be awakened.

I will add, I am not, nor have I a need to feel high. It is fun and a wonderfully pleasant feeling but once the initial effect settles in, I eventually level off into a good. calm state of mind. I feel comfortable. I do have to be sure to continually monitor when I am in need of a treatment. I, then, determine what it is I am feeling. If it is lack of appetite, or nausea or pain, then I chose the strain that most will work on remedying what I am experiencing.

I will need Medical Marijuana for the rest of my life. What I am physically, emotionally and psychologically experiencing needs constant monitoring and a medicinal treatment that is going to make me feel healthy even though the Medical Marijuana is what is making me feel that way. It is compared to needing food and water the rest of my life. I will need my medicine, which is now Medical Marijuana. The remaining medications I take, I hope to be able to eliminate quite a few of them. Someday maybe I will. Who knows how healthy the Medical Marijuana will make me feel.

I’ve only been taking it for 4 day and I already feel a touch better. The level of pain, nausea and anxiety, plus a few other things have gone down when I take one hit of Medical Marijuana. SO I WOULD SAY I AM EXTREMELY OPTIMISTIC. IT WORKS.

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5 Ways Marijuana Affects Your Sleep
Health — 25 Nov, 2013

It’s common for people to use marijuana before bed time, whether out of habit or necessity. And decades of research on marijuana and sleep may help explain why.

Besides easing insomnia, marijuana seems to have a wide range of effects on sleep.

This is because chemicals in marijuana, known as cannabinoids, actually mimic the activity of chemicals found naturally in the brain.

These chemicals and their biological pathways make up the body’s endocannabinoid system, which is responsible for regulating sleep, among other things.

Likewise, research shows that marijuana can also have a direct impact on sleep. Here’s 5 of the most important effects that studies have identified so far.

1. Easier Falling Asleep

Some of the earliest research on marijuana and sleep shows that marijuana’s main ingredient, THC, can significantly reduce the time it takes for both insomniacs and healthy people to fall asleep.

In a small study published in 1973, THC reduced the time it took for 9 subjects with insomnia to fall asleep by over an hour on average. However, the researchers noted that too high of a dose could counteract the effect.

THC was also found to ease falling asleep in a 2013 study involving healthy subjects.

2. Longer Sleep

Early studies also revealed that taking either THC or CBD before bed could lead to an increase in overall sleep. In one study, increasing the dose of THC also increased the amount of time spent sleeping.

However, higher doses of THC also caused a “hang over” feeling in some subjects when they woke up, while the feeling was not present at lower doses.

3. More Deep Sleep

Some of the more interesting effects of marijuana on sleep involve its impact on the sleep cycle. Studies show that THC can increase the amount of slow-wave sleep, also known as deep sleep, that an user experiences during their slumber.

This is likely a good thing, since deep sleep is believed to play a major role in the restoration process that occurs during sleep.

What’s more, experts believe that the most damaging effects of sleep deprivation result from a lack of slow-wave sleep. For example, research has shown that reduced slow-wave sleep can be a strong predictor of high blood pressure in older men.

4. Shorter REM Sleep

Another way marijuana affects the sleep cycle is a reduction in REM sleep. Many people who smoke before bed report a lack of dreaming, which only occurs during REM sleep.

While less REM sleep could be seen as a negative effect of marijuana use, scientists are still not sure what purpose REM sleep actually serves.

However, people who quit after using marijuana on a frequent basis often experience an increase in REM sleep, also known as the “REM rebound” effect, which is accompanied by an increase in dreaming and restlessness during sleep. But this effect tends to wear off within days or weeks, depending on the individual.

5. Better Breathing

When it comes to medical use, marijuana could offer an incredible benefit to the approximately 25% of men and 9% of women who suffer from a disorder called sleep apnea.

Sleep apnea is characterized by disrupted breathing during sleep, and has been linked to a number of serious conditions, including diabetes and heart problems. Unfortunately, the vast majority of sleep apnea sufferers remain undiagnosed and untreated.

Even of those who seek treatment, many eventually give up on wearing a CPAP mask every night.

But that’s where marijuana may help, as researchers are currently trialing THC as an alternative, with early results already showing promise. If clinical trials are successful, sleep apnea patients may one day have the option of swapping a bulky sleep mask for popping a few pills before bed.

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18th December 2013

It really sucks the way the government works in most countries. I am fortunate enough to live in a state which is working on legalizing marijuana and has relatively coherent medical marijuana reasons to receive a license to possess, buy, grow medical marijuana. You have to meet certain standards of illness. My doctor and my therapist both believed enough in me to listen to my case of wanting to use alternative medications to treat all or some of my medical illnesses. I feel the brain is a major part of one’s medical illnesses. So does my doctor and therapist. But my state doesn’t treat for bipolar. Not at this time. However, my state only 6 months ago started to open medical marijuana dispensaries. Three are up and running and a fourth is in the process of hopefully being approved. I voted for our present governor b/c he campaigned on the promise he would legalize marijuana in our state. The lost recent statement he has made that I am aware of is not in this session 2013 but in the next 2014.

Fortunately, for me, I have physical problems that fall under the specifications of meeting the requirements of MM. My doctor gave me the filled out papers on her part toward applying for a Medical Marijuana License. She gave me the paperwork a day before I was to go in for surgery due to a screw-up in my cancer surgery in 2007. My cancer surgery caused several severe problems which may have been the cause of several of my health problem. But don’t worry I have plenty more left after the surgery. So after I came out of my delirium of 5 days after the surgery and a high fever. I started to think about the paperwork I needed to fill out. I needed help. My ability to concentrate and to use my hands for writing are both really screwed-up. My partner did all the writing. I fed her all the information. She completed the forms and the next morning she went to the post office and mailed them off to the government agency handling Medical Marijuana Registry.

I wasn’t too sure I would qualify. The doubts crept into my mind. Trying to be hopeful. Imagining, finally, I will be able to treat myself with medication that won’t screw my body up more but would actually give me relief. Maybe I would finally be able to sleep soundly without nightmares or just lying there without anything happening except the racing of my mind with ideas and thoughts I couldn’t shut off. Those night I am lucky to get even 2 hours of sleep. I have had insomnia since I was a little kid, maybe even a baby. I’ve never known how to sleep. The only time I ever felt like I had any sleep was when I would smoke marijuana. I didn’t comprehend that was called self-medicating.

I understand now I was doing that for years. When I felt anxious, I would smoke. If I knew I was going to be around people I would smoke. Remember I am talking about smoking weed, pot, mj, grass, yes, marijuana. It helped me calm down, mask my symptoms, made me feel normal or what i felt was normal. I could actually spend time with people and talk to them in person. We could have dinner parties. We had meetings at our home. I was creative in many ways.

I lost that for a long time after I stopped smoking. I kept writing for a while and doing art but I gave up playing instruments, composing music and writing lyrics. Now I am a recluse with agoraphobia. I am in physical pain. I am bipolar with manic and depressive episodes. I stopped taking my psych meds. In fact, I started taking them just after I stopped smoking, drinking and inhaling marijuana smoke. For some reason I was under the misperception that psych meds as well as medical meds were going to be better for me. I was so very wrong. The medical meds are not that effective against my physical ailments. I am in pain constantly unless I stop moving altogether. The moment I move, that is when I realize the level of pain living inside my body. It hits above a level 10 fairly frequently.

My psych meds never did diminish my feelings of depression or prevented me from feeling suicidal on a regular basis. I gained weight on a regular basis but ate very little and was extremely active in my job and in my personal life. I walked over an hour most of the 7 days of the week. My weight gain never made any sense. Then I began to have mini-seizures. No one could figure out why. Took me off Trazadone and they stopped. Tried other meds. Many meds later, I kept on getting dizzy. Losing my balance. Earlier in my treatment I was given a med to calm my racing mind which occurred when I tried to sleep. It may have occurred while I was awake too but I never would have noticed. I just liked to talk a lot and when I was stoned, I was more aware of it. I was probably smoking the kind of weed that wakes you up rather than mellows you. But no diagnosis was given to me of why.

Later on I started to pass out. No one knew why. Are you seeing the trend? I saw a commercial about the med I was on for depression. It advertised it could cause dizziness and fainting. I immediately stopped cold turkey taking my Cymbalta. Within a day, I stopped fainting. They were going to put me on another med. I have a memory loss problem which I am sure occurred during the time I was taking such a long list and a mega-variety of psych meds that were fucking with my mind. I use to have an eclectic memory. I am not so sure that memory exists any longer from all the damage done to my mind from the pharma/psych meds.

Then came a major discovery. I discovered I had a diagnosis that had been kept from me for years. Too many years to know exactly when it was written in my charts. I asked my therapist if I could see my mental health records. She had them for me in our next session. Guess what we both discovered. There in black and white, the words “BIPOLAR DISORDER.” Funny thing about that. As the news filtered in on this diagnosis, I was informed by my therapist, that my former therapists & my present at the time psychiatrist [I have since fired her], told her I wasn’t to have known about my Bipolar diagnosis. They thought I might become obsessed with trying to read too much about what it was and is. Now, tell me, is that insane or am I insane? I think not. I am as sane as I can be. I don’t know about the rest of them.

Excluding my present Doctor and Therapist, and my former PCP [Primary Care Provider] who wanted to get me on Medical Marijuana as soon as it would become available and believed me when I told her I am Bipolar. If she hadn’t changed to OB-GYN, which is where I still see her, then she would have been the one okaying my prescription. But she turned me over to a fantastic new doctor for me, who sees me once a month, and listens & believes what I tell her. She trust me. Before I started seeing her and I fired my psychiatrist, I did one more round with psych meds, one of which was Wellbutrin. It was making me extremely depressed and suicidal. I asked her to prescribe a mood stabilizer, that with Bipolar, you are harming the patient if only on an SSRI. Which for years, that is all I was prescribed. So for years, not only was I not given my correct diagnosis, they had me believe I had DID or MPD, if you will, Multiple Personality Disorder. That was with me for over 21 years. One therapist had me name my alters. Another kept asking me who is out. My answer was always, I have no idea. What they were forcing on me where personalities, which I know and realize now were essentially moods my Bipolar would go into. Manic, Angry, Depressed, Suicidal, Withdrawn, Euphoric. Each had their names.

Well, I finally told my psychiatrist I was through with the psych meds. I didn’t want to take them any longer. They were doing nothing but making me suicidal and causing me to gain weight. Also, I was tired of the lies. I fired her under the auspices of I wasn’t taking any of her psych meds so she could better use the time for someone who was in need of her time. The real reason was I was tired of arguing with her about what was going on inside my head. She wouldn’t admit I was Bipolar. She lived the lie. I think she feared I could have sued for years of malpractice. Treating me with the wrong meds which made me more suicidal. Being part of a conspiracy to keep me from the truth. A cover-up that was admitted to my present therapist. They even asked her to remove any mention of my Bipolar from any entries she made in my mental health chart.

A bit of a rant and setting my record correctly.

Now for the main reason I am updating my Bipolar page. I received on Monday, the 16th of December, a letter from the Marijuana Registry of my state, enclosed within the envelop was my license to legally buy and/or grow Medical Marijuana. I have made arrangements to obtain my first purchase of Medical Marijuana. I cannot believe I am actually saying this, but I can actually buy Marijuana/Cannabis legally. Key word here is LEGALLY. I CAN LEGALLY BUY OR GROWN MARIJUANA. I CAN SMOKE IT OR EAT IT IN THE COMFORT OF MY OWN HOME. There are, of course, restrictions. I cannot smoke in public. I need to carry it in a locked box whenever I transport it. I cannot drive when I am under the influence. A few that DNA to me. There are a few more. But as my partner said, this could all be mute if the US Government makes Marijuana legal in all states and commonwealths of the USA. My state is bringing legalization before the legislature in 2014 to legalize Marijuana/Cannabis.

I have not consumed Marijuana in a smoked &/or natural form since 1990, February. I did use a chemically made THC in the form of Marinol while I was undergoing Chemotherapy and Radiation Therapy in 2007. But then I could not keep jello or ginger ale down. I still have those symptoms left over today. Nausea and the list is endless. It is why I qualify.

Many others who should qualify but don’t, it really is fucked up and totally sucks. I should have been able to have this license ages ago. If I knew then what I know now, I could have been feeling a lot better than I have been feeling for years.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about the weight gain. Since I stopped taking the psych meds that were slowly poisoning me, I have lost over 135 pounds. I have a set goal I would like to reach. In order to do that I want to lose a certain number of pounds more. But I don’t want to do it b/c I can’t eat. I have no appetite. I forget to eat. I have no desire for food. It is like I felt when I was doing chemo. Food makes my body feel sick. It causes me pain. My partner watched me make a sandwich in the early afternoon, even though preparing food makes me feel violently ill, I push myself to do it anyway. Well, I took the sandwich with me to the living room. I had wrapped it in plastic wrap. I placed it next to me. Later on, after she had finished work for the day. I started actually thinking about what I might ask her to make for dinner. Before I could say anything, she asked me if I had eaten yet today. I thought for a moment and told her I had forgotten. I saw my sandwich and I realized I hadn’t eaten it. It totally slipped my mind. And I didn’t even feel hungry or that I missed it.

It is the way I feel most of the time. Totally absentminded about food. I have no desire to eat. In fact, I was going to have a snack. I see it is still on a plate right next to me. A tangerine, small, some butter crackers and some cream cheese. Not even a reach for it. All but forgotten. The Medical Marijuana is suppose to help me with this, also.

I have had 4 surgeries in the past 14 mos. The most recent was less than a month ago. That one was suppose to help with what might have been causing the lack of an appetite. Not much has change. I still get nausea. Someone told me a few days ago, that it takes a year to recover from having surgery. So four surgeries should take a little bit longer.

I am excited about my license. Having a photograph taken for my MM license wasn’t so bad. My partner is a great photographer and artist in many fields, especially, in writing. But she is an expansive artist. I must have had a feeling about needing a photo ID this year b/c for my birthday I had, for the first time, had a photo ID made of my Driver’s License. I think all the weight loss made a difference. I was always skinny. Way too skinny sometimes but then I use to dance all night, every night and either sleep some during the day or grab a nap and work the rest of the day. Dancing was great for my body. But I screwed that up when I managed to be in multiple car crashes. Three serious ones within a twelve month time period. Broken bones, hospital stays, broken necks, and losing someone I loved, to death.

My life has been a mad one. Sanity does not run in my family. I am the sanest member. And I have Bipolar. It could be I or II or Unspecified. I have rapid cycling, mixed states. I drive my partner mad when I get into a manic state. Fortunately for me I haven’t been feeling suicidal, knock on wood. But then my life has been going through some radical changes and who has time to slow down. I need to be manic at the moment. It’s the only energy I can find. I do need sleep. Soon, I will have the starting of a new course, with Medical Marijuana, I am encouraged, so is my partner, that we will all get a little relaxation from my new course of meds. There are a few in my present regiment that I will slowly be able to wean from my body needing them. It is expensive but it will be worth the hoped for changes that will occur. I feel there will be many good changes. I will have many people who will be helping me readjust and figure what I need. And I will do my best to make it work the way I feel in my head and heart that it will succeed. Many are on my side wishing and praying I will feel better from my new medication of Medical Marijuana. There are still a few people I need to write to this week to let them know my news. I am taking it slow. Don’t want to get ahead of myself and too manic over the changes before they happen.

This is good news. Not just for me. If I can get a new feeling in my life, it is possible the world is changing. For many yesterdays ago, I never would have dreamt this would all be possible for me.

My partner bought me a new golden pipe to use for my new Medical Marijuana. She felt it will fit comfortably in my hand. I have pain in my hands so this is a very important gesture coming from her. She is delighted by all the prospects ahead. Especially, when I get into a manic state, she knows now I may have something that will give her peace as well as my receiving it, also.

Let us see what will come. I will write more on this as I feel I have something to share.

Jennifer JkM



On controlling mood states
Feelings of Relaxation
Eliminating Stress

All of these I need to rediscover for myself. When I was in a weakened state caused by chemo & radiation [5 yr ago], I was given a prescription for Marinol. It is chemically produced THC, a derivative of the cannabis/marijuana plant. Taking it, made it possible for me to develop an appetite & to be able to relax enough to feel comfortable. Meditation & Medicinal Marijuana, I feel, if I used them now, it may be an aid to what is wrong with my body. I have no appetite & food makes me feel sick eating it & just thinking about it. Stress is a significant factor & an aversion to food is becoming my mind & body reactions.

All internal systems have been checked out medically & nothing has been found to cause the phenomena my body it taking me through.

Being in a depressed state may also be a factor. For a long time I was mostly feeling manic with intervals where I would fall into a deep depression. I worked my way out of depressions my writing and creating in any way I felt worked. I do this while in both manic & depressed mood.

I feel a great deal of stress & need to de-stress & get more sleep. I often forget to sleep, eat or take my health meds. Bipolar highs and lows can lead one to forget to take proper care and attention to some of the rather important necessities of my life.

Now I am going through an inability to eat properly. I get nauseous when I eat & when I prepare foods, I have extreme panic attacks. Heart pounding, nausea, unable to breath, pain in my chest, feeling like there is no oxygen. In this state I need to sit down several times & lower my head. It is disconcerting & I usually end up not being able to eat whatever I prepare &/or my partner finishes preparing my food. I have such a strong urge to get out of the kitchen. It has developed into a phobia. Short, quick visits are almost bearable. But if I exceed the time limit, I panic. My irritability level rises & things start falling, myself included.

If I reflect on it, my therapist stated, emotions would flare up with memories related to my childhood. Food was a punishment & often it meant spending great lengths of time alone in the middle of the night in the kitchen, with the horrible food I was being made to eat that made me feel nauseous, placed in front of me. I was exhausted & the thought of putting this food in my mouth made me feel sick to my stomach. I wanted to be any place but there. I hated her cooking & I hated what she forced me to eat. Eventually, I would have to find a place to throw it away or I had to swallow it.

Even with this knowledge, the memory is stuck & I don’t last long being in our new kitchen, even though I love how we had it redesigned. I do certain chores but I get exasperated looking for the food & preparing it. But the hardest part is in the eating of anything, anyone prepares. I make something & wrap it up & forget about it. I place it near me, in the living room, where I work writing & creating & spend most of my time. It is the center of my life. It is the only room I feel secure in & safe.

* * * * * * *

The living room is where I do most everything. I work on ‘the secret keeper.’ It is where I am inspired & connect with my many projects: two screenplays, my poetry, my new novel “Private Writings…,” at the moment, I am about to write Chapter #31 & post it on this blog. It is taken from a memoir I am fictionalizing, which spans a five year period in my life. This time had a profound effect on me, in a metaphysical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual way. It brought my return to the arts, writing, fiction, poetry and the visual arts of digitally expressed abstract art, photography and short film making.

The need in me to express myself creatively in any media is part of my dreams. When I was younger, I felt I had to choose either/or to paint or take photographs, to write or create music. Photography & digital art are the newest forms I am using to express my creativity. I’ve had these mediums in my mind for quite a while. I, also, want to return to the creating of collages. They inspire me immensely. Somewhere deep inside, when I see images, I know there is something magical about certain one. Someday, I will need them. There is a profoundness that awakens within.

All of this has to do with reconnecting with my memories through feelings and thoughts buried within me. There is a strong need to connect with my subconscious. To retrieve visions from the unconscious all that is hidden from conscious awareness. My muse helps me work on my screenplay which relates to experiences that have profoundly touched my life. It is time to exorcise daemons [always time to rid one’s self of daemons]. An almost impossible feat, I want to clearly understand what I feel and think. To make clear decisions about my future. There are many answers I seek. Some for my writing & others regarding my personal life.

I have decisions to make in reference to my writing. In my screenplay, there is an answer revealed to me, but I want to write the story out to see if that really is the intended conclusion. It, actually, would have a profound effect on the future as I see it now & as I see what it could become.

Centering one’s self is important, no matter what one does. I enjoy the collaborations I have with my muse. We work great together. Being relaxed & rested makes it clearer to make the connection. The more energy inside one’s mind, body & spirit, the more easily the tension melts & the more receptive one can be in receiving & giving of creative energies.

When writing, thoughts would travel through my mind but I would just try not to attach myself to any of them. Just let them be free. I would begin to create & let the words almost fall unto the page. And if doing visual arts, let the images express themselves freely. Once what needs to be released is finished for the moment. I let it rest. Return to it later. It gives me time to rest. I move onto something else for as long as I need. When I come back to check what was written, it is with clearer vision, I can see what is there. At that time, I am more able to sense what needs to be done to mold it into something more complete. The clay is before me, I just need to infuse myself into it & make it my own. The same is true for visual images. The creation isn’t complete until you feel your energy within the image.

* * * * * * *


I relax in order to bring my bipolar under a reasonable level of control. I won’t take the toxic medications that are prescribed today. If someday the government changes its mind and allows marijuana to be used with all of its medicinal properties, one of which is in assisting bipolar treatments and a plethora of other treatments. I would consider using a medication such as medicinal marijuana for the treatment of my mood swings and racing thoughts, my highs and lows, my delusions [perception I feel are real when they are not real]. The true reality is not that way at all. I question the delusional / irrational thoughts I felt I was having & now feel they may not have been delusional at all but a psychic perception not yet revealed in perceived time.

I am actually questioning whether there were any delusions at all. In probability, it could have been someone fucking with my mind & feelings. My perception were actually receiving quite well what was really going on & the feeling I was being irrational was to confuse me.

Being Bipolar is the brain having a backfire. I do need something to help correct the bad connection. That is why my own doctor is trying to help me to work with the government in my state to try to push this issue forward. She actually can see the benefits of marijuana for my treatments for bipolar, chronic pain, anxieties and all sorts of other physical and psychological issues that I am dealing with. My state does issue Licenses for Cannabis / Marijuana. It is $50.00 per year & an ounce of pot is $300.00, which to me is expensive. I need to get seeds & grow the permitted amount. [Something to discuss with my Doctor the next time I see her].

Having a support system is extremely important. I have been working on building mine a bit strong. I have my creative activity which I do mostly alone. This time I need, want, & enjoy immensely. A necessity for my live to feel alive.

I have psychotherapy to help with the bipolar & discussing a great many needed issues, plus we laugh a great deal. My psychotherapist & I have a great deal in common, so it is easy to talk to her about almost anything. The harder subjects, I tend to write out & read to her, then we discuss them.

I see my main Doctor once a month & I see specialty doctors for various treatments. My weekly visits to see my Chiropractor keeps my body organized, and we talk about many thing. He is a poet & we connect very easily.

I have my friends, parts of my family and my partner, all part of my support system and theirs, quite willingly. J.K. the secret keeper…Namaste!

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Complete List of Conditions Treatable With Marijuana

Check out the articles below to learn about how medical marijuana can be useful in treating specific medical conditions. Help to find the best ways to ingest medical marijuana to treat your condition, what strains will be most beneficial and even help you connect with other folks with the same condition.

For further Conditions that Medical Marijuana Treat check the link posted just below this paragraph. This list are conditions I need Medicinal Marijuana to treat. Go to the following link for the list with further conditions that Medical Marijuana Treats.

The following is the main reason I want to receive Medical Marijuana Treatments.

***Acute Gastritis ***Anorexia ***Arthritis ***Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) ***Back Pain ***Bipolar Disorder ***Carpal Tunnel Syndrome ***Chronic Pain ***Depression ***Diabetes ***GastroEsophgeal Reflux Disease ***Insomnia ***I.B.S. ***Macular Degeneration ***Migraines ***Motion Sickness ***Muscle Spasms ***Nausea ***Nightmares ***Panic Attacks ***Panic Disorder ***Peptic Ulcer ***(Complex) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ***Thoracic Outlet Syndrome ***Sleep Disorders

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Bipolar Disorder–Medical Marijuana for Symptom Relief


Signs and symptoms

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people experience abnormally elevated (manic or hypomanic) and, in many cases, abnormally depressed states for periods in a way that interferes with functioning. Not everyone’s symptoms are the same, and there is no simple physiological test to confirm the disorder. Bipolar disorder can appear to be unipolar depression. Diagnosing bipolar disorder is often difficult, even for mental health professionals. What distinguishes bipolar disorder from unipolar depression is that the affected person experiences states of mania and depression. Often bipolar is inconsistent among patients because some people feel depressed more often than not and experience little mania whereas others experience predominantly manic symptoms. Additionally, the younger the age of onset—bipolar disorder starts in childhood or early adulthood in most patients—the more likely the first few episodes are to be depression. Because a bipolar diagnosis requires a manic or hypomanic episode, many patients are initially diagnosed and treated as having major depression.

Depressive episode

Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyable activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation; and morbid suicidal ideation. In severe cases, the individual may become psychotic, a condition also known as severe bipolar depression with psychotic features. These symptoms include delusions or, less commonly, hallucinations, usually unpleasant. A major depressive episode persists for at least two weeks, and may continue for over six months if left untreated.

Manic episode

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and depending on its severity is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. A person may exhibit pressured speech, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been “chosen” and are “on a special mission” or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood. Some people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.

Medical Marijuana and Bipolar Disorder


Psychotherapy is aimed at alleviating core symptoms, recognizing episode triggers, reducing negative expressed emotion in relationships, recognizing prodromal symptoms before full-blown recurrence, and practicing the factors that lead to maintenance of remission. Cognitive behavioral therapy, family-focused therapy, and psychoeducation have the most evidence for efficacy in regard to relapse prevention, while interpersonal and social rhythm therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy appear the most effective in regard to residual depressive symptoms. Most studies have been based only on bipolar I, however, and treatment during the acute phase can be a particular challenge. Some clinicians emphasize the need to talk with individuals experiencing mania, to develop a therapeutic alliance in support of recovery.


Bipolar disorder can cause suicidal ideation that leads to suicidal attempts. One out of 3 people with bipolar disorder report past attempts of suicide or complete it, and the annual average suicide rate is (0.4%), which is 10 to 20 times that of the general population. The standardized mortality ratio from suicide in BD is between 18 and 25 years of age.

Bipolar disorder involves periods of elevated or irritable mood (mania), alternating with periods of depression. The “mood swings” between mania and depression can be very abrupt.


The manic phase may last from days to months and can include the following symptoms:

Agitation or irritation
Inflated self-esteem (delusions of grandeur, false beliefs in special abilities)
Little need for sleep
Noticeably elevated mood
Increased energy
Lack of self-control
Racing thoughts
Over-involvement in activities
Poor temper control
Reckless behavior
Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use
Impaired judgment
Sexual promiscuity
Spending sprees
Tendency to be easily distracted
These symptoms of mania are seen with bipolar disorder I.

In people with bipolar disorder II, hypomanic episodes involve similar symptoms that are less intense.
The depressed phase of both types of bipolar disorder includes the following symptoms:

Daily low mood
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
Eating disturbances
Loss of appetite and weight loss
Overeating and weight gain
Fatigue or listlessness
Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and/or guilt
Loss of self-esteem
Persistent sadness
Persistent thoughts of death
Sleep disturbances
Excessive sleepiness
Inability to sleep
Suicidal thoughts
Withdrawal from activities that were once enjoyed
Withdrawal from friends

There is a high risk of suicide with bipolar disorder. While in phase, patients may abuse either alcohol or other substances, which can make the symptoms worse.

Sometimes there is an overlap between the two phases. Manic and depressive symptoms may occur together or quickly one after the other in what is called a mixed state.

* * * * * * *

Getting enough sleep is extremely important in bipolar disorder, because a lack of sleep can trigger a manic episode. Psychotherapy may be a useful option during the depressive phase. Joining a support group may be particularly helpful for bipolar disorder patients and their loved ones.

A patient with bipolar disorder cannot always reliably tell the doctor about the state of the illness. Patients often have difficulty recognizing their own manic symptoms.

Mood variations in bipolar disorder are not predictable, so it is sometimes difficult to tell whether a patient is responding to treatment or naturally emerging from a bipolar phase.


Suicide is a very real risk during both mania and depression. Suicidal thoughts, ideas, and gestures in people with bipolar affective disorder require immediate emergency attention.

* * * * * * *

Calling your health care provider
Call your health provider or an emergency number right way if:

You are having thoughts of death or suicide
You are experiencing severe symptoms of depression or mania
You have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and your symptoms have returned or you are having any new symptoms.

When broadly defined four percent of people experience bipolar at some point in their life. The lifetime prevalence of bipolar disorder type I, which includes at least a lifetime manic episode, has generally been estimated at two percent. It is equally prevalent in men and women and found across all cultures and ethnic groups.

* * * * * * *

Medical Marijuana (Cannabinoids) Relieve Bipolar Symptoms: Follow physicians suggestions, then with help from family members, try medical marijuana for symptom relief:

• appetite stimulant (Sativa’s)
• mood elevators (Sativa’s)
• fatigue (Sativa’s)
• sleep disturbances (Indica’s)
• hyperactivity (Indica’s)
• mania (Indica’s)
• focus (Sativa’s)

Look for strains with higher CBD-Cannabidiol levels. Sativa’s have higher CBD levels than Indica’s. Hashish has highest amounts of CBD’s. “Durban Poison” has higher CBD levels.



These are videos & Soundclouds I’ve listened to while letting my mind settle down into a state of meditation. Thoughts would travel through my mind. I would try not to attach myself to them. Let them go. When I felt my self drifting back to engaging in thought I would start to listen to my breathing. It would guide me back on track letting go of thoughts and feelings. I would drift to a place I would be free from this space called reality. I work on letting go the sensations of my body distracting me. Keep letting go. Whenever reality returned I would go back to my breathing. Breathing is the focus leading you into the release from the world. Without realizing I am not with my body and mind. I have floated onto a different plane of consciousness. I am not in conscious awareness of the release. It is a state of being set free from all physical connections with the body and mind.

The videos and Soundcloud are soothing to work with. Listening will help bring us into a state of relaxation so that we are able to let go into your meditation. The contemplation is the act of meditation. Focusing on one thing so that all else slides away. In this instance we contemplate on breathing to take us into a  meditative state. Sit comfortably. Whatever feels good. Let the world slip into another realm away from that which we are seeking to find. A place where  we are able to let pass away our awareness. One word for this attainment is Nirvana. Sometimes reachable but also elusive as a butterfly. Sometimes the relaxation of the meditation drops us off into such a relaxed state we actually drift into a deep and restful sleep. Which is a perfectly fine end to the crescendo of meditation.

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Meditation Update 3.17.14  St. Patrick Day

*      *       *      *       *       *       *

fire works by matt the samurai.gif

fire works by matt the samurai.gif

gif matt_the_samurai_sparkles_Natural GIF

gif balls in a maze little blue balls

Sound of Rain – Perfect for Meditation

Sleep Aid Tech Meditation

Sound of Rain without Music

ah! my safe place-everyone should have a safe place

Tibetan Flute-Deep Tibetan Music Artist Richard Wagner-“Sunrise”

Pineal Gland Activator [very psychedelic]

Yoga Meditation Indian Drone with Ocean Waves Sound Music Video Relaxation Devanagari Tambura

Meditation and Contemplation
By Jennifer Kiley

After traveling backwards through my blog, viewing each post, reviewing and updating it has led me to a place of remembrance and inspiration. It has awakened glimpses of memories that I might reconnect with through feelings and thoughts that are buried oh so carefully within me. It is time for me to go inward through meditation and contemplation to retrieve from my subconscious and unconscious all that is hidden from my conscious awareness, so that I might proceed to access the assistance of my muse while I go forth in the work I am attempting to do in the creation of a screenplay that relates in many ways to the experiences that have touched my life.

The page I create, I hope to use as a place to find those videos that I have worked with in the past while I meditated. This is an experiment that I am hopeful will work in centering me each day prior to my entering into a collaboration with my muse in our work together. The first of the meditations start at the top of the page with new inclusions on down the page to known videos. Namaste…


Chanting Om II – Splendour of Yoga

Chanting Om II – Meditation Music

Chanting Om II – Meditation on the 7 Chakras

Air – Paul Collier – Relaxing Music

Slow Down – Paul Collier

Smoothing Meditation Music – Paul Collier

No Mind – Piano – Paul Collier

Self Esteem Affirmations with Music – Paul Collier

Sounds of Rain and Thunder on the River

Relaxing Rain on a Metal Roof – 1 hour


These are videos & Soundclouds I’ve listened to while letting my mind settle down into a state of meditation. Thoughts would travel through my mind. I would try not to attach myself to them. Let them go. When I felt my self drifting back to engaging in thought I would start to listen to my breathing. It would guide me back on track letting go of thoughts and feelings. I would drift to a place I would be free from this space called reality. I work on letting go the sensations of my body distracting me. Keep letting go. Whenever reality returned I would go back to my breathing. Breathing is the focus leading you into the release from the world. Without realizing I am not with my body and mind. I have floated onto a different plane of consciousness. I am not in conscious awareness of the release. It is a state of being set free from all physical connections with the body and mind.

The videos and Soundcloud are soothing to work with. Listening will help bring us into a state of relaxation so that we are able to let go into your meditation. The contemplation is the act of meditation. Focusing on one thing so that all else slides away. In this instance we contemplate on breathing to take us into a  meditative state. Sit comfortably. Whatever feels good. Let the world slip into another realm away from that which we are seeking to find. A place where  we are able to let pass away our awareness. One word for this attainment is Nirvana. Sometimes reachable but also elusive as a butterfly. Sometimes the relaxation of the meditation drops us off into such a relaxed state we actually drift into a deep and restful sleep. Which is a perfectly fine end to the crescendo of meditation.

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Meditation Update 3.17.14  St. Patrick Day


created by jennifer kiley / Jk the secret keeper/j. kiley

evidence of things unseen --- artist sally trace 2011

evidence of things unseen — artist sally trace 2011

A Declaration
by Jennifer Kiley
Jk the secret keeper

Musical Muse
You’re an Inspiration
Dreams of Intoxication
Down the path to Exaltation
On to Equivocation

In Through the Mirror
We Are Heading
To a Place of Flirtation
Revealing Truths
Through Enunciation

Setting Us Free
Through Proclamation
Facing Shyness
The Acclamation

The Truth Has Been Spoken
Through Reclamation
I am born through

With Support
Of My Friends
I Sing Loud With
Great Appreciation

© jennifer kiley 2013

deeper current --- sally trace 2011

deeper current — sally trace 2011

I’m Still Here – Elaine Stritch

You Are Not Alone – Michael Jackson

David Gilmour – Coming Back To Life

Land of Make Believe – Chuck Mangione ft Esther Satterfield

Apres un Reve

Flower Song

Michael W. Smith — Let It Rain + Agnus Dei

Romeo and Juliet — Leo DiCaprio / Claire Danes — My Baby You sung by Marc Anthony

Love's RIpple Dreaming - Artist Jk McCormack (c) jKm 2014

Love’s Ripple Dreaming – Artist Jk McCormack (c) jKm 2014


a la carte

A La Carte is an assignment from my psychotherapist. Food doesn’t especially agree with me at the moment. My appetite is non-existent. What I am to do with this page is post individual food presentations which if looked at long enough will trigger something inside my mind and/or body to be draw to food, and just maybe set off a desire to want to consume something, to satisfy my need for nutrition, in order to prevent my body from slowly shutting down. Unfortunately, I am teetering on this precipice presently, and it is becoming more serious all the time. Anyone who has a suggestion for a particular singular food temptation, please leave a message in the comments. If you happen to have a link to an image of this delicious looking morsel, please feel free to leave it with your comment. If it strikes my appetite, I will post on this page with credit to anyone who contributes, if you wish and if not I will just say it was from anonymous. I appreciate any suggestions that will help to reawaken my desire to eat again. Thank you, sincerely, Jennifer JkM

Puff Pastry Cinnamon Rolls

The first Food that came to mind after I thought about my psychotherapist’s assignment. Sticky Buns. Brown sugar & melted white frosting. Warm.

bberry cheese

Cheesecake is a favorite for Shawn’s Birthday, but delicious anytime. I just love Blueberries.


Favorite All Time Meal. Prefer Shawn’s Turkey Cheeseburger & Fries. Following that a Whooper w/ Cheese hold the pickles. No Fries. Mickey D Vanilla Milkshake.


Discovered Lobster at my 22nd Birthday Party in a Grand Sea Food Restaurant in CT. It was on the water, in the middle of Summer. My Sister & Brother-in-law treated me.

7 thoughts on “bipolar om med cannabis

    • You are amazing to take the time to see into bipolar, listen to this brave woman talking so honestly about her experiences. What she says, I relate to on so many levels & her speaking out about how medicinal marijuana helps her, may lead many to discovering there are alternatives to the poisoning of your body. That is what all the psych medications did to me. As times evolves, I will share some of what I mean by my relating to what she says in ways that are very disturbing. It is. also, why I need a psychotherapist to talk to on speed dial. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I really appreciate your work on this page. I am a diagnosed Bipolar Type I with Psychotic Tendencies (for anyone who reads this comment that means that while having either a manic or depressive or mixed episode, I frequently check out of reality). I have also been diagnosed with PTSD stemming from a sexual assault when I was 16, Panic Disorder with and without Agoraphobia (sometimes I can leave the house, other times not so much), as well as Generalized Anxiety (been anxious and convinced that something bad will happen for as long as I can remember), and Adult ADD (as if Bipolar disorder and flight of ideas wasn’t enough). I tend to be rapid cycling in “real” life with about 4-5 mixed episodes per year. These can vary is severity and duration.

    Right now, I am in one of the worst mixed states I have been in since the diagnoses. It is currently going on about a month since anything in my world has been “normal”. I have trouble sleeping well because the treatment for ADD involves heavy duty stimulants, and even though I take two different mood stabilizers (both atypical anti-psychotics on of which makes me sleep) I am still manic and depressed. I don’t eat much (ADD meds again), my sleep/wake cycles are completely out of whack, I just went through and am still dealing with the fallout of a difficult personal issue (probably not helping the sleep thing), it is Christmas time and everyone is supposed to be happy and jolly (well, I am not), I am having strong feelings of guilt and shame and, as a consequence, am not reaching out to people because I don’t want to impose on them, and that is the just the beginning. Mostly, I am trying to keep myself out of the hospital, and trying to avoid the game I play with myself where I line up the pill bottles and wonder if there is enough there to end this. Thus far, I have been successful. It is only two weeks until the New Year, and I usually calm down.

    I really wish, like you, that we had better and standard medicinal marijuana laws nationwide. My state does have a medicinal marijuana law that allows you to get marijuana from a dispensary but you have to have an approved diagnosis (I have two: Bipolar and PTSD), and you have to have a doctor sign off on your application. Unfortunately, the medical director of the behavioral health unit of my hospital doesn’t believe in medical marijuana. I asked. My doctor has no problem with it but he can’t prescribe under the policies of the hospital.You can also get a “grow license” that allows a person to grow their own marijuana. I do not know the procedure, but I do know that there aren’t very many of them. If I were to want to get a prescription for marijuana to help alleviate my nearly constant anxiety, I would have to spend between $150 and $200 dollars to see a different physician. And, even then I am not guaranteed to be approved. It is just easier to know a grower, and get it straight from the source which, as you have stated, is prohibitively expensive. I would much rather control mood swings, anxiety problems, sleep and appetite problems with marijuana. It worked for years until the “official” diagnosis, and then I was on the “med-go-round”. Now, I have to deal with the side effects of the drugs that keep me and others sane. Then, there are the times when the meds don’t work. Like now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have moved me so much with your comment that I have made a new entry at the top of the BIPOLAR page. It has been inspired by you. I have been lucky or better said, fortunate, to have surrounding me now in my life, people who believe in me and are helping me to grow and to feel better. I have escaped a prison and now feel free. I wish you could be in the place I am in or to at least join me. I never thought I would have the feeling I have at this moment. It may be fleeting but it feels real right now. I did a Tarot reading recently for myself from the cards of the Rider Waite Deck I placed in a Carousel Slideshow on ‘the secret keeper’ in the right column. I randomly chose where to begin reading the 10 cards plus one. My significator card was The FOOL. I am about to step off of a ledge into a precipice. What I needed was faith, to believe, if only a little, that I would be safe. Everything would turn out the way it was meant to be. I believe it is doing that right now.

      If I told you the past few years have been an absolute hell of madness. Nothing felt right but I had no clue what I was in the middle of until I found my way out. I was a blind person trying to find a dark doorway where the side I was on was filled with darkness mixed with shadows and no light. This last line made me remember something that should upset all the optimism I am feeling. But I won’t let it. I believe when I need something to be there, it will be. They are doing magic with stem cells. They may hold the cure for something I will need in the far off future. Now, I want to live. And I want to express myself and create. To write. To paint. To grow stronger. To be as creative as I can be. To feel love. To get past the abuse I went through in the dark. To accept the people in my life and let their love in and my love go out to them.

      I can feel the Hell you are in. The help that you need and are not receiving. I may not have been in the exact same place but I do understand and know what Hell feels like. I can’t tell you what to do to make it go away. If you had Medical Marijuana, I think, as the young woman in the video above states, MM really helps her. I feel it will help me and I feel it would help you. I am hoping, wishing and praying you are able to find a way to get a MM License. All that I have heard and read, it is suppose to be effective for Bipolar, Trauma, Pain, Sleep, Appetite, and a massive list of other ailments. I have been trying for years to promote and petition and sign letters and finally I voted for a person running for governor in my state who was running on the platform that he would put Medical Marijuana Dispensaries in my state. And he would not stop there. He said that he would eventually put it before the legislature of the state to LEGALIZE MARIJUANA. Not just to decriminalize it but pass GO and Out and Out LEGALIZE IT FOR EVERYONE. No licenses necessary ever again. Well, in 2014 he is planning to do just that. To send it to the Legislative Body of My state in order for them to take a vote to LEGALIZE MARIJUANA for Everyone.

      Presently, to get a Medical Marijuana License you have to fit certain guidelines. I do fit those guidelines. But they don’t say you can’t use the MM from a certain strain that may just work to help with say BIPOLAR. It’s just a matter of understanding the strain you need to choose. I am going to find that out as quickly as I am able to.

      Please don’t give up Hope, You are not alone. Even thought you probably feel that way. It is so easy to go to that place. You will find HOPE. Thank you for writing your comment. I hear what you are saying. Write to me when ever you want to. I will hear you. And Hopefully you will hear me whisper to you when you need to hear these words, “YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD.”

      Jennifer JkM

      Liked by 1 person

      • As always, your words are a comfort. I was really moved by your plight with the medical marijuana. I know a dispensary grower, a very old friend (27 years & counting even though we have trouble being in the same room together; too much weird water under that bridge), and he will give me his trimmings, but if I want more than just the loose trimmings, it runs $40 for 1/8th of an ounce, so an ounce is not within my reach. I think every one ought to do what Colorado did, and say fuck it (pardon) and realize people use for all manner of things, and just make it legal.

        I know intellectually that I am not alone. I know I am not the Lone Ranger. I know some people are much worse off than me as evidenced by the number of homeless that I see around town who are either mentally ill, or have PTSD from simply living on the streets. But, my heart does think I am the Lone Ranger. I have a severe mind-heart disconnect. Its a defense mechanism I developed a long time ago that keeps things in the realm of the mind, and will not allow me to feel that much emotion. It kind of doles out the emotion as I feel ready to deal with it. At this rate, I am going to be in therapy for the rest of my life, and I know my therapist will retire at some point. That’s going to suck. And my prescribing psychiatrist will eventually retire as well. Then I have find a new set that work like these two. And they are wonderful. Oh well.

        I am glad that you are in a good space right now. I was reading your “About” page this morning (very early or late, depending how you look at it), and I was really touched by the number of things that you deal with daily. You make me look like a wimp. You are a very strong person to be able to handle all of that. I just cannot figure out why the most common episode I have has to be “mixed”. You are the most motivated depressed person, and the most unmotivated manic person, and sometimes they overlap. You get stuck between two worlds. So, that’s where I am: stuck. But, I know from past experience that the Holidays subside, so, too, will these out of whack emotions.

        I am relearning how to read Tarot using the deck painted by Kat Black; The Golden Tarot. It is a Rider-Waite-Smith offshoot using the most sumptuous images drawn in the style of the Renaissance. I liked that idea since the word “renaissance” is French for rebirth. And, the symbology is almost exactly the same as the RWS deck. So, I am still working on my first three card spread in about 15 years or so. I can’t find it right now, but I do know that my present and future cards are reversed so I had to get a book on reversal meanings because I think that you cannot read reversals the same way you read the upright card. But, I believe the card in the past position was six of wands reversed, the present was the two of swords upright and the future position was Strength reversed. It is an interesting combination that i have been meditating on for about 2 weeks. i will probably do another three card spread once the Holidays are over, and see how they are different. I also have the Morgan-Greer deck which is also RWS based. I like that one too. I resonate with both so it works out. I had traded a number of decks that just didn’t fit me anymore, and I didn’t really resonate with the one I kept even though it is beautifully drawn, it just doesn’t work for me. I really like the Golden Tarot and the Morgan-Greer. I never really have liked the Rider-Waite decks. They son’t seem to have any resonance for me. I hold them for a while and they are still just cards.

        You take care of yourself. I have question but I’ll email it to you. It’s kind of private…..I hope your Holidays are going well. It is a rough time of year for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.

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