Wish You Were Here

implicit imaginative impressions

Wish You Were Here
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created on 8th March 2014
Posted on Saturday 29th March 2014
IMPLICIT IMAGINATIVE IMPRESSIONS

Wish You Were Here – David Gilmour

Wish You Were Here

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Hell or Heaven by Yongl

Hell or Heaven by Yongl

Private Writings: Chapter #54 – I Feel Fine

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013
Private Writings: Chapter #54 – I Feel Fine
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by NAME OF ARTIST
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 25th March 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #54 — I Feel Fine

Tuesday 16th September 2008

Dear Annie,

They won’t let me see you while I’m in this place. The doors may not be locked but no one is going to allow me to leave. I never wanted to be inside a place where they watch every minute detail of what I do. Why didn’t she let me die? Why did Jamie call for help. She should have let me die. How did she know I was in trouble? I remember sending you a letter for her. Oh, right, I sent her the poem I wrote about love. I sent a preface to the poem I wrote for her. What an idiot. I was talking about suicide. Never said I was going to do it. Even if I did take all my stash of Klonopin mixed with some brandy. I was just starting to fall asleep for good. Heading into a peaceful sleep. No more thoughts. No more feelings. No more pain. No more people pretending to love me and then fucking me. Abandoning me. I am sick of it. Let them all go fuck themselves.

I want you to see the note and poem I sent to Jamie. Would it make you get so alarmed you call in the cops and medics. Between Jamie pulling me to my feet and walking me around before the emergency crew arrived. Jamie even walked me into a ice cold shower. That freaked my body out. I think I went into a seizure or something that felt like I was way out of control. I was awake bearly, but I wasn’t coherent. Nothing was making any sense at that moment. My eyes couldn’t focus at all.

Enter the women in their scrubs with their equipment. They were plugging me in to so many tubes. We were off to the hospital in no time. Pumping stomachs. Needles into tubes going into my body. They have a shrink talk to me. I was too out of it to make sense out of what she said. She did say she was going to admit me into the psyche ward for observation. That freaked me out. I demanded they contact my partner Scottie Andrews. She had power of attorney. I wasn’t going to be going upstairs.

Scottie arrived. Jamie had tracked her down and explained what had happened. She was upset with me but more concerned than angry. Scottie talked. I tried to listen. What I remember of our conversation is, our lawyer Michael was working on finding me a place at the Redcliff Psychiatric Institute. Being here is like being at a Country Club. Here I am, in this fall back to “David and Lisa” and “Lilith.” A place of splendor with Dr. Virginia MacKinnon, a great psychiatrist, for me to talk to.  She isn’t you. I’d rather be talking to you. But I am giving her a chance. I just am so confused by all that is happening. Why did I take all those pills? Why can’t I get away from people who want to hurt me? Why does it seem that I trust all the wrong kind of people who want to abuse me?

I want you to see what I wrote to Jamie that night. It might give you a sense of where I am at this moment. Maybe it’s telling, maybe not. I know I am going to write you as often as they allow me to. I wish I could call you or text you but they won’t let me have my cell phone or any of my techno gadgets. No laptops. No Tablets. No Cell Phones. No communication with the outside. With one exception, I am allowed to write to you. And I know you can’t write to me. They don’t want any outside influences.

Here is the note and poem I wrote to Jamie. I love her. I love Scottie. I love Alison. Please help them understand what I’ve done. I haven’t stopped feeling like killing myself. I still want to die. The depression has cut me off from feeling alive. I try to write poems. They won’t let me have my medical marijuana. That is killing me. It was the only thing that kept me balanced when I was balanced. My bipolar is out of control.

Lets forget about that. They won’t change their minds. MJ not allowed in here. No exceptions. This is going to make me feel more like I am falling apart than ever. I am sorry I let you down Annie. Trying to kill myself. It was stupid. The pain had a hold on me. It was crushing me. I had to let go. My estate was all settled and in good order. Everyone I wanted to be sure was taken care of was well planned out in my Will. Michael is a great lawyer.

I am putting it off. Here is what I wrote to Jamie. Keep in mind I was thinking of you in the note but I wanted Jamie to be the one to receive the note. To help her understand why I was doing what I did:

“I am insecure & uncertain about what is ok in terms of times & frequency of what is acceptable. I feel I could make a mistake & not even know it. It is causing the development of a darkness of confusion.”

“I love Jamie.  I spent the day almost intentionally focusing my attention on anything but thinking & feeling Jamie’s presence. I am afraid of the level of intensity between Jamie & I. With almost certainty, I feel Jamie & I are experiencing equal levels of intense emotions toward the other.”

“I want to hold her. I want to know what it feels like to wrap my arms around her. And to feel her body melting into mine. She would feel soft to hold. I want to lie down beside Jamie. To pull our bodies as close together as possible. And we would fall asleep with our lips near the others. Close enough to feel her warm breath caressing my face with the delicacy of her breathing.”

“I love her. I want to feel her spirit enter inside of me with warm loving energy. If I told her these feelings, I am not certain what her reaction would be. What I would like is for Jamie to tell me she feels the exact same way about me as I feel about her. We love each other deeply, as it is possible to love someone else who moves us into the highest spiritual level possible. I Love Her Now & Always & Forever. She is my soul spirit connection. I just want to dream about her.”

A poem of Haiku for J.S.

Love you bring to me
Before the sun can shine I
Dream of you with me

Before me you stand
My eyes look deep inside you
Two souls joined as one

You live in my mind
Your love sleeps inside my heart
Our lips want to speak

Love me forever
I am your soul protector
Loving you always

(c) mandy two-zero-zero-eight

I need Jamie. Her presence in my life fills up my fantasy world with warm and pleasurable sensations. When I think of her I can make up any feeling I want to experience. She is real inside for me. It may not be a sane reality but how close is sanity to madness and fantasies to reality. If you want them to happen you find a way to manifest your dreams. Does it hurt to think of someone in a dream? Make them be for you what you need. Does that make me insane for wanting a dream that once was to now be real again.

It pains me to want to love and not be able to get my body to be able to express those feelings in a real situation. When you are so careful, a nightmare enters your world and destroys it by crushing my dreams by overwhelming with the reality of my childhood by doing now what was a constant then. When she raped me, she stole away the last of my innocence. I guarded it and thought I was safe with all the protection I had surrounding me. But she still broke through and took everything that was left.

I just want to feel love. The kind of love I felt with my grandmother. I am tired. I will write more about the only person who ever loved me without wanting something in return. The energy of love I felt with my grandmother was magical and mystical. It filled me up and protected me from the abusers destroying me. She placed a shield that surrounded me. It kept their handling of my flesh from penetrating into my soul and darkening my spirit from the light. The light stayed alive inside me because grandmother has always protected me. I believe she is one of my guardian angels and I think and feel Tosh is another of those who protect me.

That’s all I can write for now. Until next week.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film “Brief Sacrifice.”

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

The embrace  klimt  sm

The Embrace – Artist Klimpt

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

scary purple flower

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Moments #53: Maleficent

private moments in paintings & poetry
Maleficent
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 24th February 2014
Posted On Monday 17th March 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS: PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday

Maleficent by Madison Taylor (c) jKm 2014

Maleficent by Madison Taylor (c) jKm 2014

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

Maleficent
Poem by Madison Taylor
9th September 2008

 Never will I forget you, my love.

Love Simply Love
[All Is Love]
By Madison Taylor
9th September 2008

An opening of my heart
Taking you into the warmth
Covering you in soft pleasure
Surrounding you with strength

Barriers descending slowly
Unsure of sanity
Brief the moment of madness
Hijacking reality

Pain came surging through
Pulling apart the tenderness
Making me stone-cold inside
Chills covering the heat

Wanting passions of love
Feelings rising up within
Flesh of my body responding
To the depth you are touching me

Freely I give myself over
Opening all of me to you
I give this gift do as you wish
The safe word is no

(c) mandy two-zero-zero-eight

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Whitney Houston w/ Enrique Iglesias – Could I Have This Kiss Forever

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *

Private Writings: Chapter #50 – Fated Attraction

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #50 – Fated Attraction

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting Two Naked Ladies by Anonymous
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 25th February 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #50 — Fated Attraction

Tuesday 19th August 2008

Dear Annie,

I am going to write you an unusual letter tonight. If I get too descriptive, I apologize, but I feel you need to hear a very descriptive imagery of what happened at our dinner party. Not bringing it up in session was on purpose. This needed to be written down when I felt ready to tell you. Well, now is the time.

This is when, where, and how it all developed and happened. I am not proud or ashamed of what happened. It just felt right and I am not sure that it is going to stop. What I feel is more intense than anything I have ever felt. Except when I knew someone I have spoken of before. But I don’t want to bring her into this. It has nothing to do directly with her.

Scottie and I decided we needed to have a particular dinner party with very special guests. The list, as you know, included as hosts, Scottie, Alison and myself. Our guests were you, Annie, and your husband Alex and daughter Rainer, my friend Lady Chablis, and our special guest Jamie Stansfield, our hero Carter from Brief Sacrifice.

At the party, we broke off into pairs. I spent time with Jamie. Scottie talks with Alex. Rainer hangs out with Alison. You, Annie, hang out with my friend Lady Chablis, the famous actress, not to be named here. You must have enjoyed her company. She is fabulous. I hope Alex enjoyed Scottie’s company.

I went off and got stoned with Jamie. I needed to. Someone needed to kiss someone. I felt attracted to Jamie already but the kiss secured it. Jamie kissed me and I wanted it. My usual withdrawal to anything physical, especially physical touching leading to anything sexual freaks me out on the inside only. I never show anybody it bothers me to be touched. It doesn’t stop them. So why should I let them know how being touched affects me. It leaves one too exposed for anyone to know.

Jamie caught me off-guard when she brought her face close to mine. My breathing became shallow. Jamie took my face into her hands. Her lips touched mine very gently. My insides were all in a muddle. I was melting from the heat filling my body up. I hadn’t felt this deep a physical feeling since that day. A day needing a lifetime of therapy. Not the day She died in my arms. That was love. I mean when one of my abusers did the worse thing you can do to a child against their will. I really can’t talk about it now. Too painful. Too shameful. Something that never should have happened and been stole from me. A memory that warped my mind, haunts my every memory, and flashes behind my eyes at the mere feeling of it.

I took Jamie’s hand, led her to my study, where I locked the door. Jamie sat down on the settee. I went to get two glasses, a bottle of brandy, and a pipe filled with some fine cannabis. I have a prescription for my nerves and the pain in my back. Haven’t I ever mentioned the Medicinal Marijuana? It helps with my memory, too. Right now, all I have left is a scar on my back.

Steel stabbed through my body that night. I lost so much blood I came close to walking the white road. But what was worse, the woman I wished for, I dreamed of, I had, was stolen from me that night. My wound healed on the outside but my life was still stolen when her life was taken away from me. That is my selfish attitude. Of course, I know she was stolen from the rest of the world inside her life. Even if they were worthless, with maybe one exception, the rest tried to suck out her soul. I protected her by not letting them near her. That was what she wanted. But when that wasn’t enough they tried to kill me but she put herself between us.

Does anyone ever get over being murdered? Or having someone save your life by sacrificing theirs?

I am moving past this into the next passage, where I am going to get subliminally graphic. Just thought I would put in a WARNING ALERT. I feel a need to describe it. Bare with me. Jamie and I have entered into my study slash library. So, back to Jamie, if you will.

“Here we are, Jamie. Take a glass, please.” I poured her glass first. After placing my drink on the edge of the desk, I took out the pipe I had filled with pot. It had a similar effect to that of Thai weed. Do you remember it? I took one hit, passed the pipe and lighter to Jamie. When she smoked her hit, she carefully put the pipe on the desk. I motioned Jamie to sit closer.

Her body now touched mine. The sensation made my heart pound. I could feel it in my throat. Jamie’s hand began caressing the length of my neck. I reached my right hand around to the back of Jamie’s neck and brought her head close to my face. Our lips touched in slow motion. Feeling the change of their shape as the pressures varied and our mouths blended together. A feeling of an endless embrace, falling into the sensation, with no parting of lips ever to come. The depth of feelings traveling from my lips through my body, were nothing I had felt before. Everything was so new and alive. Her hands found places on my body where her skin melted through my clothing into my body. We had joined together as if one being possessed by another in a permanent embrace. No ending, just eternity.

Feeling all of this was a total surprise for me. I have desired feeling this way and never found a person I trusted enough to surrender to in this way. I love Scottie but she never understood my need for her to be patient. She was rough in as gentle a way as possible. But with Jamie, it was soft and sensual. No one ever touched me this way, not since the night my elusive dream was stolen. Dreams are what they are. I woke up and it was over. My life disappeared until I met Scottie. With her I regained life. One with safety and security and a very active sex life. One we enjoyed while high on drugs and alcohol.

It was a creative sex life. We experimented, trying anything new that seemed it would be exciting. But something was missing. Not anything inside of Scottie. It was inside of me, or better expressed, something missing from inside of my mind and body. A disconnection that occurred at a specific moment in the touch of love making. It was when my body wanted to give up control. My mind wouldn’t let go and my body followed. All shut down abruptly and completely. It was the end of feeling anything.

A dilemma which has consistently occurred throughout my life. It all started with one particular abuser. He stole something one cannot find after it has been taken. It was more than rape. It was stealing my sexual freedom. The art of completely letting go. Something most people desire in their life. I am able to do it with my painting and writing but not with my body. She doesn’t belong to me. Maybe it even does effect my art.

Jamie has reawakened something in me that only one other person was able to find. A complete abandon and enjoyment of freedom and letting go, releasing the spirit to scream in ecstasy, joy and bliss.

It may not be fair to Scottie. Never have I been with anyone sexually, where I willingly wanted someone to touch me. More than willingly. I could not resist wanting her hands on my body. Her lips touching mine. I wanted to be consumed by her. I wanted us to melt into each other where our energy and souls became one forever. Never to separate again.

I describe wanting her to touch me. She wasn’t the only one who wanted to touch someone. My hands wanted to reach out and touch her face, to make sure she was real, not in my imagination. Her skin was warm. Touching her skin made me feel electric. The nerves inside of me were lit by currents of energy. Every connection in my body was flowing together. I wanted to be lost in her forever.

I knew the moment must end. Life would return to normal but it was normal. I felt something alive and real. Someone who understood my fear and magically made it disappear. It’s not being sexual that brought me back to life. It was letting the touch in, and allowing myself to be free to feel her hands on my skin and inside my flesh. It was the joining of love.

I love Jamie. I always felt her specialness. We are soul mates of a different kind. Not what books are written about. No one writes about being made to feel whole with someone else, without it having to be sexual. It is a bonding that merges power and spiritual energy. A sharing of being alive and feeling real. It isn’t easy to do and is rarer than it should be. I have found it three times in my life. We all mistake sex for love. Sex is sex. Love may happen when sex is happening. But Love stands strongly on its own. Love is the power that makes everything alive and real. It is what I have been searching for my entire life. It is so special but rare. Be gentle when you find it. I hope I have found it with Jamie.

Don’t lose hope, Annie. I love Scottie and want to be with her beyond the beyond. But I want to be with Jamie, too. And all those people who I feel close with now and I have felt bonded with in my past. A short list but one I will feel connected to forever.

I have reached the end of this letter. There will be more. It is an interesting read, I am quite certain you found that out Annie.

But that is all for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

Before the end, I would like to send a thought to Jamie with all my love. I want to say to her, if I had the courage, I would tell you, it isn’t about sex at all. My abusers planted the dark seed inside of me and it blocked out the light so I could not see what was real. Just a distortion came through of moderating sex by ascribing it as the only way love is expressed. But that is a lie. It truly is not about sex. It is about bonding and feeling whole with the person you love. All relationships are different. The ones which make you come alive and feel real inside are rare. Treat them with respect and give freely of your love. This is the purist of feelings and the richest of relationships. A friendship created from out of the depths of pure love.

“The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return.”

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Two Naked Ladies - Anonymous

Two Naked Ladies – Anonymous

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

flower of great beauty purple dk and lt yellow

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Madison's Study/Library

Madison’s Study/Library

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Writings: Chapter #49 – Got To Get You Into My Life

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #49 – Got To Get You Into My Life

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Gustav Klimpt – The Embrace
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 18th February 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #49 – Got To Get You Into My Life

Tuesday 12th August 2008

Dear Annie,

Before I get into what I want to write specifically, I wanted to bring up Alison Porter. Scottie and my adopted daughter. Since she returned from Yale Acting School, she has been working at our studio, doing odd jobs. Watching Scottie and I work. Well, it hasn’t been officially announced. Alison is going to be in our next film. I wrote a screenplay for her. She will be starring opposite someone very special to me.

This is where the story begins and where the letter I want to write has started. Just before my grandmother died she encouraged me to find someone outside of the family with whom I could look up to for guidance. There wasn’t anybody. My grandmother knew of my aspirations for wanting to write film scripts and to be part of making films. There was an actress my grandmother felt was incredible and she wanted me to meet her. My grandmother knew her. She knew everyone or they knew her. One of the wealthiest women in the country. She became the person who took over emotionally when my grandmother died. I can’t explain my feelings. My grandmother was my world. When she died I went a bit mad. The actress my grandmother introduced me to, one day called me. We talked and talked about everything. Her call was to tell me she was here for me. Whenever I needed or wanted to contact her, she gave me her contact information for anywhere she might be reached. It didn’t take long to grow close. I believe I fell in love with her. The woman I loved as an actor and now I love as my closest friend ever. I never saw this friendship coming. Or that we would ever meet.

I think it made it easier when I met Scottie and after college we both got inside the film world. Scottie really liked my actor friend right away. She approves of her relationship with me and the feeling is mutual on the other end. She was married to a man, a director, who loved her madly and she loved him equally as strong. He encouraged our friendship. The feelings are very special between us. I loved her when I was growing up and still feel the same strength of feeling I’ve always felt toward her. When I see her photographs or hear her voice I become transfixed and excited. I belong to an online group who feel the same way.

When I was a kid she was a child star and part of my fantasy world. I thought I would meet her brother Chris some day and marry him. Then we’d be family. I was so absorbed with her. We talked on the phone when I was a teenager. This was before my grandmother introduced us over the phone. My grandmother told me great stories about her. First, she moved here from England when she was pretty little. She acted on the stage starting really young. She trained at The Actors Studio. Her first performance on Broadway was in Tennessee Williams’ The Glass Menagerie. I saw that play when I was 12. It was confusing to me at the time. I felt like the girl in the play. Everything I owned was broken including myself.

Let’s be less serious. One day, I called the studio where she was working, she was gone for the day. I told them it was important that I reach her and that I was a friend of her therapist, would they please give me her number. The person gave it to me without question. Of course, I knew her therapist, my grandmother told me they saw the same Psychoanalyst, so I used the name. I’m sure it’s why the person at the studio felt so free in giving me her number. Anyway I called her. I had witnesses. Her assistant answered the phone. I got up the courage and asked to speak to her.

She said, “Just a moment please.

Shortly, she came to the phone. She would have been about 18 yrs old then. I was only 3 years younger. We chatted for what seemed like a long time. She was wonderful. We both enjoyed the conversation. Before we said goodbye, I told her about my grandmother and asked if we could talk again some time. I knew it was a huge risk, an imposition but she so enjoyed our talk, and agreed. We exchanged our information. I had her number, so she wanted mine and my mailing address too. She gave me hers, also. Then we hung up our phones.

I proceeded to faint. It was one of the highest moments of my life. Everyone who knew me knew how I felt about her. They all thought I was mental and weird. I didn’t care. My grandmother was right about her. I loved them both. Her movies were seen multiple times by me. When I say multiple I mean over 20 times while in the theatres and more times when they hit DVD. She has been in Oscar winning films for Best Film and she has won Best Actress once and nominated several times. We have most of her movies in our collection except the ones that are not available.

After my grandmother died, I became lost, a touch mad. She called one day shortly after the funeral. What she said to me has had such a profound effect on my life since that day. We have kept up our friendship ever since. We chat everyday now. I leave messages for her and next day there would be an answer back. And on our cells, we both love to text, so we do that all of the time. It drives Scottie nuts.

It is great to have a friend I feel I can trust with telling her anything. I never told you her name. I will some day. For now let us refer to her as Lady Chablis. I love her so much that I want her in my life forever.

She disappeared a few years ago. Just for awhile. Her incredible husband died. She went to France to heal but will never forget him. I received a letter from her in today’s mail. She is on her way back to the states and she is suppose to arrive today in L.A. I texted her right away. She got back to me and we made plans to meet. Later today. We have never met in person. It’s not that unusual for me. I live online or at the studio. I will write the rest of this letter after I get back from spending time with her. I am so excited and enormously overwhelmed. It just takes my breath away. What will we talk about? I know don’t be silly.

Later. Got to get ready. You will hear all about it when I return.

How wild was that. I am in love with her. When we hugged for the first time, I got lost in her arms. It didn’t feel like she wanted to let go either. We talked like we had been together in person for years. Everything between us was natural. Lady Chablis is my best friend. She really is my best friend. Scottie will understand if I have something special with Lady Chablis. Scottie knows I love her beyond time. Lady Chablis is someone so special only my grandmother ever brought these feelings out in me. Now I feel them for L.C. … She is forever just like my grandmother. It made for the most perfect day ever.

That’s all for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Gustav Klimt The Embrace

Gustav Klimt The Embrace

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

Orchid_flower 5 blue dk blue 4 lady blue

Orchid Blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own imaginations”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bg

Medical Marijuana MMJ

Private Moments #48: Never Home Again

Editor’s Corner finished its course last week on Monday 3rd February. It is available as a resource in an archive. Click HERE to go to the Editor’s Corner Archive on Shawn MacKenzie’s MacKenzie’s Dragonsnest. In the Editor’s Corner’s spot, starting today, I am using Monday to present the Poem, Painting and Music that accompany my weekly Chapter from Private Writings, Posted on Tuesdays on ‘the secret keeper.’ Hope you enjoy both. The Archives for Past Chapters are just above on the Page ‘PRIVATE WRITINGS ARCHIVE.’ JkM the secret keeper

private moments in paintings & poetry
Never Home Again
Private Moments: #48
Painting by Jk McCormack
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Post Created 19th January 2014
Posted On Monday 10th February 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS: PAINTINGS & POETRY
Private Writings: Chapter #48 — Where You Once Belonged

Streaking - Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2007

Streaking – Artist Madison Taylor (c) madison taylor 2007

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

Flashing Sparks
Poem by Madison Taylor
5th August 2008

Flashing sparks
In lost memories
Quickening dreams
Following sightings
Of lost time

Hands touching flesh
Feelings wash over
The body outside
Of consciousness
Floating endlessly

Ceilings found close
Eyes looking down
Outside is cold
Uncovered frame
Asleep alone

One exception
No one has a face
Is with the child
Dreaming nightmares
Inside dark shadows

Hovering above
Watching evil
Action taken
To know the inside
Entry forced

Within sounds
Movement starting
Sensations building
Complications unknown
Dying within

Nights stolen
Anticipation
Safety waiting
Music playing
Retrieving silence

Sparks flashing
Editing thoughts
Organizing order
Lighting truth
Chasing out death

© madison taylor 2007

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p

“Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer
into the private moments
of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Private Writings: Chapter #45/#46 Trauma With Drama/Double the Trouble

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #45/#46 – Trauma With Drama/Double the Trouble

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 28th January 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #45 — Trauma With Drama

Tuesday 22nd July 2008

Dear Annie,

I never finished going over my letter from last week. So much more to tell you. It’s a conflict. Talking about the new Trauma Group is important. Knowing a few of the women was a surprise. But it’s more important to talk to you about when I thought I had DID. The Trauma Group, I’ll save for other letters.

Awhile ago, I was told I had Dissociative Identity Disorder.  The therapist who told me, encouraged me to give the alters names and develop each one’s identity, their responsibilities and characteristics. I want you to know who lived with me for many years. The first one, I feel is the most outrageous. Her name is Laura. She was the one who was conscious when the abuse happened. It happened to her. They are her memories. Ever since, what she experienced during the sexual abuse, it ingrained inside of her a learning code. It causes her to sexualize every person we get close to. Not easy to admit.

What I am about to admit to you, may sound crazy coming from me, but she is aroused by you, Annie. And that isn’t all. Laura feels obsessed with you. It isn’t her fault though.

I need to clarify further.  My saying Laura is attracted and obsessed with you, doesn’t mean anyone else is. In fact, we aren’t, obsessed with you, that is. It is Laura’s thing. Not ours. We like you and feel close to you but it goes no further.

I’ve said too much. I can feel Laura feeling upset. She’s always gotten us into way too many situations.

Keep in mind, this story, I’ve been telling it to myself all these years that I feel I am or was once DID. And believing it. So did Scottie, and our closed friends thought I was just more eccentric than I already was.

Now, Meggie, she is so different. She just wants you to be her mother. Just needs love and hugs. She gets those from you in a very unobtrusive way.

Lets flip to the male side of our inner family.  There’s Brad. Warning. Watch out for him. Gets extremely intense, rageful, and add anger. Why, you may ask? No trust in grown ups at all. He feels you all betray us. No offense.

Ginny is sad. What I mean is, she is removed from feelings. All she experiences is depression and deep thoughts of suicide. What sets her off the most right now is the thought of you not loving her. She is younger than all of us but she feels older.

We believed our alters were real. When we believed completely in their existence, they felt real. Not so sure anymore. They felt like they existed. We felt their presence. They always felt to me to be very young. Don’t know anymore what to believe. Except the bipolar. I know I get manic, depressed and suicidal. All the DSM IV and 5 symptoms they have well written out.

We only use the word “we” now because it’s familiar. And we, also, feel like we are shattered.

We don’t entirely feel safe with you, Annie. That’s why we don’t want to let our guard down. Testing comes first.  But most of the time, we have a strong urge and need for you to know our story. For some reason it is necessary. We want someone we trust to know the complete truth. What really happened. Not just what I remember in my head.

I think we do love you. But those feelings make us feel confused about you, Annie, and about ourself.

Ask Brad if it is okay if we love you. We would like it if you would love us, too. Maybe it will help our shattered parts come together. If we were really loved by you.

Being a lesbian, we know telling you this may frighten you away. When a woman who is a lesbian loves another woman, someone who is married to a man, it can feel suspicious. But truthfully, our feeling of love is not sexual, not really. We just want to feel love. I want to believe that it isn’t bad or wrong to love and be loved by you.

Brad protects us, even against you, Annie. Women can hurt us just as much as a man.

I forgot to tell you, Meggie is too young for sex, but she knows about it.

Also, I forgot someone very important. Her name is Nessa, Ginny’s twin. Nessa lives with the heaviest depression but Ginny carries the dangerous one. She holds the suicidal feelings in her heart and it keeps breaking her.

And then there is Sandy. Our flamboyant gay male. He feels it’s a redundancy. Sandy likes the recognition and parties. Especially, likes getting high and dancing. He has no idea how he feels about you. He’s very likeable. Use to get everyone high when he would go bar hopping in NYC.

It’s a consensus. We decided you are kind, intelligent, beautiful and you have the softest, gentlest and most soothing voice we have ever heard.

We just want to get close to you. We’d like you to get close to us, too. For us, it will take a great deal of bravery. Getting close to anyone is scary as hell. So with you, it matters so much, so it makes it even scarier. We have more to lose.

You are inside our mind now. But we are still haunted with so many questions. I know you will ask what kind of questions. Simple. Is what we feel okay? Is it okay to love you? Our feelings are filled with pain. Fear is building up. Too much pressure. Love is dangerous or painful. When I love someone and trust them, two things have happened. They betray me by abusing me or they die. Either way I am hurt and abandoned.

Talking about what I feel is important. I want you to understand me. I don’t want to hold back.

What does love really feel like? How do I recognize it? Do you feel anything like love for me? I would really like the answer to that question.

No bullshit. No saying it’s transference. That is lame. Therapists cop out using that shit. What I feel is real. Don’t understand what it means. I need you to tell me it’s okay, the way I feel for you.

Honestly, I think I am in love with you. I am in love with another woman. And it hasn’t a thing to do with sex.  Being “in love” to me is feeling intense feelings of love. It’s not sexual. Will I ever understand? Does anyone know what love means? Do you, Annie?

It causes so much bloody confusion.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

I’m slipping in Scottie’s letter next. Following is a second letter from me.

Dear Annie,

I see you have drawn me into Madison’s therapy. If I understand, you just want some feedback on her behavior.

Certain points I feel are important. One, she forgets she needs to sleep. It doesn’t feel important to her. She escapes to her study, always writing, but rarely leaves. If not their, she’s in her studio painting.

When I get home after being away for a shoot, she follows me around as if to watch me. To see if I will magically disappear again. Sometimes she speaks to me like we have never spoken before. She has been in a fairly constant manic state recently. She is producing, which is good. Great scrips to turn into a film. Something for me to direct. Paintings to hang in our Art Gallery. But all this energy she’s using, I feel she is heading for a major crash.

I am afraid when her depression hits, it will be bleak. The darkness surrounds her, literally. I can feel it and see it. She won’t wake until after it’s dark out. She goes to sleep as soon as dawn hits the edge of the horizon. Her vampire comes out into the darkness. That’s what she’s doing.

Her mind is filled with one wish. She wants to die. It’s in her poetry and her scripts. They may be great and would make David Lynch want to do a meditation with her. She doesn’t speak, so that would be perfect. She actually throws herself into her work more when she’s in the darkness. A melancholia absorbed inside creativity.

Something is needed to shock her, to turn her around. Her body is suffering. Her Cancer treatment only stopped recently. Remember it almost killed her. Death was paying her regular visits then. It’s enough to traumatize anyone.

Let me not forget her abominable family. They want to kill her. It’s a matter of inheritance. So, they don’t leave her alone. Always finding ways to contact her. All of them scare the hell out of her except one brother and his daughter. She loves those two intensely. But the others, no way. We have people to keep them from her. It’s too complicated to get into now. But she has them crawling around in the spider webs in her mind. They creep through her brain and barge into her nightmares.

Is this enough, I hope? If she needs anyone right now, Annie, it’s you. Take the time to care for her. Gentleness and consistency, that’s what she needs. I do care deeply and I attempt to show it. But she is so damned difficult. Trying to push me away. She thinks that will work. But I won’t let her. We’re stuck in this life together, no matter what.

I have a strong suggestion. She needs to be placed on Medical Marijuana. With the Cancer Treatment she was given THC. What a change. Even though she was too weak to show signs of difference, I could tell her mood changed. She relaxed. Drank some liquids. I worry she is going to get really sick, if something doesn’t change.

Find a way for her to create but stay healthy. She’s divorced herself from her body. It is all out rejection. What happened to her body is too hard for her. And I am not talking about the Cancer.

Just help her. Please.

Yours,
Scottie Andrews

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Private Writings: Chapter #46 — Double the Trouble

Tuesday 24th July 2008

Dear Annie,

Having time with you three times a week is fantastic. Seeing you Tuesday after the first Trauma Group on Monday, is a bit heady to process. Intense and overwhelming. Those words come to me. A mental rush. Being close to you. Having more time with you. It seems we finally have time to work. More time. I’m always wishing for more time. The effects you have on me will be more powerful. All is so good. Something in your power infuses me. I feel filled with super energy.

This letter is going to be short.

First Trauma Group. Meeting a new person I like. Her name, gone from my memory. I felt she was really drawn to you. I like her but she is too possessive of you. After group, I wanted to talk to you but she was there first and wasn’t going to share. I felt jealous. It set off a chain reaction, of the negative feelings, the confusion, and the irrational thoughts. Primary one being, feeling rejected. It isn’t rational but I felt rejected by you. You didn’t care any longer. It sent me off on an emotional roller coaster after I left. The feelings lasted until I saw you on Tuesday.

It’s okay now. She, actually, feels like someone I want to be friends with. But I don’t want her monopolizing you. What the fuck was her name. Blocked it. You will have to tell me on Monday in Trauma Group. Until then, thank you for listening.

One last thought. I wanted you to know what a great group I feel you put together. Thought I’d never be in a group again. Wrong. My Tarot reading was right. It is what I need to do now. Feelings were high, some scary, some strong, and some intensely powerful. What will be exposed in the Group is going to knock us all over, isn’t it?

Now I have to find a way to be brave enough to face my shadows and to go into the darkness. If you will figuratively hold my hand, it might help.

That’s all for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

150th Birthday of Gustav  Klimt - The Virgin (Maiden)

150th Birthday of Gustav Klimt – The Virgin (Maiden)

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

Pierre Auguste Renoir - Roses and Jasmine  in a Delft Vase

Pierre Auguste Renoir – Roses and Jasmine in a Delft Vase

rain in garden gif

The Virgin
By Madison Taylor
23rd July 2008

Untouched entry blocked
Protected by innocence
Perversion invades

Nightmares being hell
Flames explode calling back pain
Feelings awakened

Youth is time for growth
Lightning follows path of thief
Regains what was lost

Time erases past
Memories rewritten now
Never recall the lies

Truth happens in light
Darkness takes hero returns
Bless the blind their eyes can see

© Madison Taylor 2008

innocence return - artist jk mccormack (c) JkM 2014

Innocence Return – Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2007

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Amazing Visions: Pathways Through the Process of Life

amazing visions
Amazing Visions: A Pathways Through the Process of Life
Vimeo Videos Discovered by Jk the secret keeper
Created Post on 20th January 2014
Posted On Wednesday 22nd January 2014
AMAZING VISIONS

“A path of signs through the emotions of life.
A tribute to the art and her disarming beauty.”

I PLACE A WARNING THIS VIDEO CONTAINS ARTISTIC NUDITY-SEXUALITY-FAITH-VIOLENCE
MADNESS-POSSESSION-BEAUTY. IT SHOULDN’T BE NECESSARY TO WARN ADULTS.
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.
WHAT YOU WILL SEE IS BEAUTIFUL-EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE-NAKEDNESS
RELIGIOUS FERVOR-VIOLENCE-BIBLICAL VIOLENCE-DEATH-ANGELS
NATURE
IT’S ALL NATURAL

Beauty – Director Rino Stefano Tagliafierro

*        *        *        *        *        *       *

THE VISIONS WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY

In the Cave of Wonders

It begins in the mode of storytelling. The big reveal will come to those with patience & awe will be revealed. AWE & AMAZEMENT & BEAUTY @>-;—

*        *        *        *        *        *        *

OMINOUS? PERSONS OF INTEREST

Transparent Machines

We want safety. We Want privacy. Do we need to give up one for the other? Is it frightening to know others know all the superficial things about us? What does it matter? Our inner being is always changing. Much too difficult to follow by any intangible object. What are we protecting our selves from?

Anais Nin Speaking with Henry Miller – Part Four

a writer's word 1 - day title sunday
Anais Nin Speaking with Henry Miller – Part Four
Created by Jk the secret keeper
Illustrations by j. kiley
Created 11th January 2014
Posted Sunday 19th January 2014
A WRITER’S WORD

anais-nin photo

Anais Nin

Anais Nin
Speaking with Henry Miller
Part Four

“No,
I hate
her.”

“You
hate
her?”

“Yes,
I hate
her,”

Henry says,
“because
I see
by your
notes

that we are
her dupes,

that you
are duped,

that there
is a
pernicious,
destructive
direction
to her
lies.

Insidiously,
they are
meant
to deform
me
in
your eyes.

If June
returns,

she will
poison us
against
each other.

I
fear
that.”

“There is
a friendship
between us,
Henry,

which is
not possible
for June
to understand.”

“For that
she will
hate us,

and she
will combat
us
with her
own tools.”

“What can
she use
against
our
understanding
of each other?”

“Lies,”
said Henry.

Boreas - Artist John William Waterhouse

Boreas – Artist John William Waterhouse

The Best Offer

cinema theoretica
The Best Offer
Research by Jk the secret keeper
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Created 15th January 2014
Posted Friday 17th January 2014
CINEMA THEORETICA

The Best Offer Trailer w/ Geoffrey Rush & Donald Sutherland

the best offer  in restaurant b4 birth day

I was able to watch 10 minutes of this film on a Preview Clip. It is not available yet outside of the theatre on DVD. It is on SAME DAY AS THEATRE for $8.00 HD. For the view into the elements of “The Best Offer,” I was intrigued just watching Geoffrey Rush in the opening moments, alone, sitting properly at a table, in a restaurant of a high reputation, I am sure, in England. Just watching him sit is a curious moment. We discover an important fact regarding his inner life and outer as well. It is his birthday the next day but the wait staff bring him a superbly made dessert with one candle already lit. He watches as the candle burns down. He must leave before Midnight but is sure to inform the wait staff to let the dessert staff know how pleased he is with the cake.

FADE OUT

the best offer poster

He walks into his office. It is his birthday. It has circulated he cannot abide Mobile Phones. So, he received only one in his packages this year.

The phone rings. He answers but pretends to be his assistant. A woman is urgent to speak with him. Her father highly recommended him as the one to handle their estate antiques and art work. She is frantic to have him accept the request. He is intrigued but doesn’t reveal his identity nor does he commit himself to meeting with her.

FADE OUT

the best offer   his portrait room

Auction. He is taking the bids on an antique from the time of Galileo. It brings in over a $Million Euros. The next item is a portrait of a young lady, in her lower teen years. She looks innocent. The bidding starts. This is when Donald Sutherland gets in on the proceedings. D.S. wins the bid for $10,000 Euros. After all is finished, D.S. meets with Him, G.R., in his rooms. He is examining the painting. At first, I thought maybe there was a famous painting under this young lady. But now I am not sure. He gives D.S. a handful of money. I deduct from them both that D.S.’s character is a painter. It gets a bit vague as the scene ends.

FADE OUT

the best offer   geoffrey rush & woman co star

He, G.R., is sitting in a room. As the camera scans and he follows the eye of the camera, we are seeing walls filled with portraits of women of all ages and eras. The curiosity mounts when you view the scan of the immensity of all the portraits. I wondered whether he came upon them in a manner not suiting his position.

There is a sense of mystery in this film. It has me wanting to see this as soon as it becomes available in the way in which I like to watch my cinema.

Out of curiosity, it is my kind of film with a touch of film noir, a woman who is withdrawn from the world who his seeking Him, G.R., out. He eventually, does become interested in the mystery. It has all the elements of a film I would choose to want to see.

Since I have only seen a small length of “The Best Offer,” I can only cast a “cinema theoretica” guess. I would want to see this film. I will when I am able and give an addition to this review. Until then, if you want to see “The Best Offer,” it is suppose to be in theatres and it is available with Xfinity On Demand for a FEE. [Xfinity is Comcast].

[BEST IS FIVE - 5 - ! ! ! ! ! ]

Good Movie Watching . :-)
By Jennifer Kiley