Category Archives: death

Letters of Import: Incompetency Revealed 10

Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
Incompetency Revealed 10
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated & abstract digital art by j. kiley
First Published Tuesday March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Tenth Posted May 21st 2013silver divider between paragraphsanyone living or dead is purely coincidentalsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphsletters-incompetency revealed 10silver divider between paragraphsTuesday, December 3rd 2007

Dear Annie,

He returned. Group went back to its repressive normal. No one got to speak except him and his favorites. The only words out of my mouth were: “I am feeling extremely anxious.” And I added, as a dig, “The group was different having a woman lead it. Annie was amazing. Everyone got to talk. We actually had interactions happening.”

He cut me off with his dumb gibberish as he stumbled over his words and mumbled them. It irritated him like Hell that his position had been challenged by me and by a novice, Annie. Let him feel intimidated. The way he tries to undermine me in our private sessions.

He is always acting as a catalyst to draw Brad out. Maybe its time he saw the way he behaved as a less than competent psychotherapist. If he was like this since he started his practice, I don’t understand how he kept his clients faithful. I suppose when you’re desperate and psychologically fucked up you want anyone who will listen. And you fear finding someone new, who might make demands that you are not ready for, and change is scary and someone different could be worse. Plus starting out again with someone new would be so exhausting. It was easier to stay put and take what I felt I deserved and maintain the limited stability I had at the time.

My mistake is I don’t want to cure my agoraphobia. Not right now. It is too fucking terrifying. I don’t want to go out into the world. It just fucks me up more being exposed to it. It is extremely dangerous. I am too sensitive. I feel everything anyone around me is filled with intense feelings. It is overwhelming. At the psych clinic, I hate walking into that place when there is anyone in the waiting room. It’s a nightmare. My brain is bombarded with a total freak out. I need to be rescued. And he is always late and too many people are waiting. I try not to make contact but usually someone wants to talk. Leave me alone. I hear the screams in my head, ‘can’t you all see that I am mad. I will blow-up if you approach me.’ Not really, but I want everyone to just leave me to my quiet. I am trying to pull myself together for my therapy session. I think and I mean: ‘What the Hell are they doing there. Don’t they want to do the same thing? Preparing to tear out their hearts and display them for their own therapists. Leave me alone to concentrate and be ready for mine.’

Annie, I wish you could have been there. He finally came out to get me. I’d say rescue me but it was more of a bother, I think to him, to have to walk all the way from his office to retrieve me so he could spend our next 45 minutes, if I was lucky to get that amount of time. He always shorted me on my time. It is technically suppose to be 50 minutes but I am lucky if I get a full 45. But I shouldn’t complain, most of the time I can’t wait for the session to be over. And he is exacting about that. He doesn’t allow you to even pull things together before he utters the words: “Time is up.” He cuts me off in mid-sentence and mid-trauma but I don’t feel he even notices it.

This particular day, I was telling him about the way I felt Angie was treating me in group. She was jumping on every word I said. I was talking about one of our very special cats dying over the day before and that I was devastated. His name was Dylan James Thomas and we raised him from the time he was about 3 1/2 weeks old. Someone had thrown him out inside a McDonald’s bag. Fortunately, someone kind had found him, they brought him to the local animal shelter. I volunteered there. That next morning the director called me and asked if I had the time and would I like to foster a very little kitten who was in great need of care. He would need special food and hand-feeding through a bottle. Without hesitation, I had “YES” out of my mouth before the director could say another word. I explained to Scottie in between talking to the director. Told him I would be right there. It was rough going with “Dylan James Thomas”. He developed an upper respiratory infection. He slept between Scottie and I. Scottie gave him extra hugs and held him all night while I slept. She told me before I picked him up that we could not keep him but she fell in love him the way I did when I first set eyes on his tiny little body and his small sounding meows. I was hooked and I knew Scottie would be taken in the way I was. I was right. It took her less than 48 hours to agree that “Dylan James Thomas” needed to be a member of our family. I, also, believe it was the long nights of loving care and healing energy that closed the deal.

Anyway, Angie was all support and I am sorry until I said that I was also really sad about the death of someone I admired and I had loved her family from the time I was a teenager. The person who had died was a famous actress that I admired. I have this sensitivity to certain people who effect my life. I may not know them personally but they have entered my heart. Her mom was one of those people that touched my life, also. I felt a closeness to her and to her family. And I was devastated when I heard of her accident and I prayed that she would pull out of her coma, with no way of knowing that it was irreversible. When her death was announced it put me into emotional shock. My mind could not get around that she was dead. I felt such pain for her whole family, her husband and two boys, and her mother and her aunt and uncle. The devastation that her mom should have to lose her daughter, so young. I felt in emotional pain. Well, Angie was a bitch. She could understand my being upset by my cat’s death but an actress that I didn’t know. She didn’t get it and casually dismissed my pain as ridiculous. That was not only insulting but a cold reaction. We were in a therapy group not in a room full of people who are suppose to judge what we feel.

As I expected. Mr. Xxx felt I should try to understand where Angie was coming from. And why should I try to understand where she is coming from when where that place is a dark hole filled with cruelty and patronizing blanket statements of judgment and a total lack of understanding and sensitivity. I am the way I am and don’t need to go to a therapy group or therapist and be told that my feelings don’t deserve to be respected and trashed instead. I should be allowed whatever emotional reactions that I feel and when I bring them up in group they don’t deserve someone’s insensitivity because they lack compassion and the ability to understand something that is different from the way they might react. They should allow the person who is upset the space to express what they are feeling and to shut the fuck up and stifle themselves from putting them down because they don’t understand why they are feeling upset. Just shut the fuck up and allow them to have their feelings and to respect them whether you understand them or not.

I don’t need to tell you much more but I want you to know that the level of Mr. Xxx’s incompetency echos through all who have him as a therapist. He should have intervened on my behalf in the group. You, as least, tried to cover for him by telling Angie that some people have strong feelings for those they admire in the arts. What Madison is feeling is quite understandable. First, she loses a cat she adores and has loved practically from his birth and moments later finds out that someone she cares about in the field of entertainment and from a favorite and famous acting family, has also died so suddenly, leaving behind a grieving mother, husband and two sons. This can be devastating. Madison is a highly sensitive person and feels deeply for everyone and to have the reaction she has is not unusual among a great many people. So, I think you should try to find some understanding for Madison and what she is going through and try to put yourself in her place.

You said all that while my therapist sits like George W. Bush did the day of September 11th, staring into space and not reacting at all while buildings were exploding from planes crashing into them. You so outshine him, it is embarrassing that he is the leader and you are the intern. I thank you for your sensitivity to recognize I was in pain and it made no difference what was causing it. In our private session, he came out in favor of Angie, as if it were a competition. He should have been giving me my therapy not denying me and giving all his support to another person not in that room with us. But I should know better than expect anything that is positive coming from him. No support. No encouragement.

I hope you are seeing and getting what I am trying to convey to you. I need a new therapist and I want that psychoanalyst to be you. When you have accomplished receiving your degrees and you are licensed, I want you to consider seriously of taking me on as one of your first clients. Please for the sake of my confidence and sanity. I really don’t know how much longer I can take seeing Mr. Xxx as my incompetent therapist.

I want you, your insight, your intelligence and intuitive nature and your gentleness to be my guide. When that day arrives I will feel like I will be reborn. I wish I could say these words directly to you. Someday, I hope that I am able to.

Regards,
Madisonsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphsThis is to assure the strictest of confidence.

To Annie,

At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, then I am freeing myself up to write whatever I wish without need of censorship. Maybe someday, when I am feeling more familiar with just who you are and what you might mean to me, this parameter will be altered and a copy of this and future letters will be relayed to you. For now I want to maintain secrecy, to protect you, Annie, and to protect myself from over testing the boundaries between us and to record the development of our relationship.

I want Annie Haskell to trust me. I want you to know I am trying to protect you and also myself from any humiliation. Writing to you in this way frees up my words as I speak them onto the page. Some future date, if I feel trusting enough, I will release to you what I have written in honesty. Right now, I will keep my words confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages, I promise you that.

Regards,
Madison Taylorsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphs

Annie Haskell --- Madison Tayler's Psychoanalyst's Office

Madison Tayler’s Fantasy of Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst. Not real.silver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphs

Maksim — Somewhere In Time — Theme Song #1 For “Letters of Import”silver divider between paragraphsThis is a poem I would like to include in this letter. I like to leave a poem in each of the letters if I find one that I would like to share with you. Since I am not even sure if I am going to give these letters to you, I felt it is okay if I include a poem in each of these letters. And if some day, I change my mind and I hand my building collection of letters to you, then I will likely evaluate all that I have written to determine if all of the content of each letter feels acceptable to me to share openly with you. I may feel too shy to be so vulnerable. We will proceed as we have for now and see this as a way of recording the experience of getting to know you and in turn get to know how this all effects me as I record this experience in writing.silver divider between paragraphsWant Her Too Much
By Madison Taylor
December 1st 2007

Need too much
Want her too much
But not her’s to give
Anger rises up
Lost
No sign of the light
Highs have faded
Diving down into deepest sea
Total darkness
Will there be a drowning place for me
Are my favorites present
Virginia
Marilyn
Sylvia too
I need a guide
Help settling the end
Lost I am
As I am losing myself
Am I feeling her feelings
Or mine
Or is she sharing hers
She doesn’t seek death
Or harm
That is my desire
Cut
Bleed
Death
The final solution
Can’t handle this fast descent
Heights freak me out
Did I succeed at deserving hell
All those soul points
Angel points too
I surrender
Rejection
No more
Too crushing
Even if not intent
Let me bleed
So I cannot feel my heart breaking
Shredding into pieces
This she does to me now
I want her to take over my world
But only hope keeps that dream alive
And where is that hope?
Entering my world
To begin the dreaming
When I can finally step away
I cannot bear his re-entrance
Into my world
It may be what finally breaks me
Finishes me
Takes me to my ending
A cold sea of infinity
Unless she is able to be my savior
And take me to a place of safety
Far away from him as possible
Or it is certain he will succeed
To bring an end to me this final time.

© madison taylor 2007
For Annie: I think you are the one.silver divider between paragraphs

Sympathy for the Devil — The Rolling Stones(Theme Song # 10 for Letter of Import: Incompetency Revealed 10

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labyrinth of a wandering wonderland

the labyrinth called “wandering wonderland.” it is where madison, scottie and their cats, patrick, sparky and toker love to escape to

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madison's woods of imagination where she takes long walks to reflect

madison’s “woods of imagination” where she takes long walks to reflect. it starts just past the labyrinth

silver divider between paragraphsLE CHATEAU DE ROCHER
le chateau de rocher by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013   824x552

le chateau de rocher is the home of madison and scottie & their three cats sparky toker & patrick

silver divider between paragraphsglass enclosed pool le chateau de rochersilver divider between paragraphsfamily gathering place and hangoutsilver divider between paragraphsQUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poesilver divider between paragraphsQUOTATIONS of INCOMPETENT:

“The problem with incompetence is its inability to recognize itself.”
― Orrin Woodward, L.I.F.E. Living Intentionally For Excellence

“On the roads of failure, it is not uncommon to see the tears of the talented; and in the land of success, to hear the victorious screams of the incompetent!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

DEFINITION: without adequate ability, knowledge, fitness; failing to meet requirements; incapable; unskillful. Not having or showing the necessary skills to do something successfully. Ineptitude. Professional incompetence. silver divider between paragraphs

Nora Ephron’s Lessons About Love: Today She Would Be 72

Nora Ephron’s Lessons About Love:
Things The Legendary Writer And Director Taught Us
Huffington Post Matthew Jacob
Posted May 19th 2013
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Posted May 20th 2013

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 72 NORA EPHRON MAY 19th 2013
Today 72 Years Old if she hadn’t died from Leukemia

Sleepless In Seattle Trailer
Had she not died of leukemia last summer, Nora Ephron would have turned 72 today. The universally loved writer, director, producer and HuffPost contributing editor spent nearly 30 years in the thick of the movie industry, becoming synonymous with modern romantic comedy thanks to quirky and immensely successful movies like “When Harry Met Sally…,” “Sleepless in Seattle” and “You’ve Got Mail.”
nora ephron 1
Along the way, all disciples of the Ephron bible of love learned a thing or two about modern-day relationships, both romantic and platonic. Ephron advocates hang on to the many saccharine observations about life that poured out of the mouth of Meg Ryan — who starred in four of the 13 movies Ephron directed — or any of the other A-list players who frequented Ephron’s filmography (Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Rita Wilson, Billy Crystal, Steve Martin).

Sleepless In Seattle— Finally Meeting
Nearly a year after her passing, Hollywood and the literary community are still commemorating Ephron’s life. A spate of tributes celebrating the “Julie & Julia” scribe’s life have emerged from the likes of Lena Dunham, Tom Hanks, Mike Nichols and her own son Jacob Bernstein, who recounted her final hours in a touching New York Times Magazine piece.
nora ephron 2 meg ryan
But amid all the kind words and continued accolades (we haven’t forgotten the three Oscar nominations she received for Best Original Screenplay), what’s most remembered about Ephron are the lessons she bestowed upon us through her characters. With that, we celebrate her 72nd birthday with what we learned about love thanks to the one and only Nora Ephron.
nora ephron 3 john travolta michael angel

Fake Orgasm Scene in “When Harry Met Sally”
QUOTATIONS: NORA EPHRON

“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
Harry Burns (Billy Crystal) in “When Harry Met Sally…”

“Destiny is something we’ve invented because we can’t stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.”
Annie Reed (Meg Ryan) in “Sleepless in Seattle”

“When you’re attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match.”
Dennis Reed (David Hyde Pierce) in “Sleepless in Seattle”

“You gotta learn to laugh — it’s the way to true love.” Michael (John Travolta) in “Michael”

“I’ll have what she is having.” — “When Harry Met Sally”

Once In Your Life

Once In Your Life
Collage Created by j. kiley
Created May 17th 2013
Posted May 17th 2013
silver divider between paragraphsNesta Robert “Bob” Marley, OM (6 February 1945 – 11 May 1981) was a Jamaican singer-songwriter and musician best known for his Reggae records. He was the rhythm guitarist and lead singer for the ska, rocksteady and reggae bands The Wailers (1963-1974) and Bob Marley & The Wailers (1974–1981). Marley remains the most widely known and the best-selling performer of reggae music, having sold more than 75 million albums worldwide. He is also credited with helping spread both Jamaican music and the Rastafari movement to a worldwide audience. He was a poet, philosopher, prophet, Rastafarian, vegetarian, an advocate of love and peace. He had eleven children. Because of his religious beliefs when it was discovered he had a melanoma in his toe he refused for it to be amputated and continued on with his tours and music. Eventually, the cancer was catching up with him and he tried natural treatments which were unsuccessful and on the way home from Germany to Jamaica, they made a stop over in Florida to seek emergency medical treatment. He died at Cedars of Lebanon Hospital in Miami (now University of Miami Hospital) on the morning of 11 May 1981, at the age of 36. The spread of melanoma to his lungs and brain caused his death. His final words to his son Ziggy were “Money can’t buy life”. Marley received a state funeral in Jamaica on 21 May 1981, which combined elements of Ethiopian Orthodoxy and Rastafari tradition. He was buried in a chapel near his birthplace with his red Gibson Les Paul or a Fender Stratocaster. His music is so alive as though his spirit were possessing it still today.silver divider between paragraphs

only once in your life by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 840x3463

only once in your life by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley

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The LEGEND of Bob Marleysilver divider between paragraphsOnly once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can
completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve
never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say
and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future,
dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved
and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When some-
thing wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, know-
ing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to
cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make
a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel
like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show
you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet
calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry
about what they will think of you because they love you for who you
are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note,
song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to
cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so
clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and
more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was
infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day
helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile
to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conver-
sation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.
Things that never interested you before become fascinating because
you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.
You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do.
Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or
even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that
there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart,
you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You
find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel
true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing
you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal
to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile.
Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your
life. LOVE IS OUR DESTINY Bob Marley

This is a tribute to the legendary prophet, poet, philosopher, mystic
and Rastafari Nesta Robert Marley. He was one of our divine
messengers. Rest in Peace…The LEGEND of Bob Marleysilver divider between paragraphs
QUOTATIONS on LOVE:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
― Dr. Seuss

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you” — Elbert Hubbard

“we accept the love we think we deserve.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.” — Bob Marley

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ― Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

“Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.” ― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember silver divider between paragraphs

Past Present Future

Past Present Future
Written by Jennifer Kiley
May 7th 2013
Illustrated & abstract digital art by j. kiley
Posted May 9th 2013

abstract digital art --- circle mandalas --- artist unknown  750x500

abstract digital art — circle mandalas — artist unknown

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Past Present Future
By Jennifer Kiley
May 7th 2013

Past present future
Live now with me throughout time
Past I lived in confusion

Present I have love
Future no one ever knows
Time carries life through moments

Unfolding motion
As though real matter exists
Vibrations make illusions

What we think is real
Only matters that’s not true
What appears to be is false

Unconscious is soul
Dimensions relate symbols
A dreamer within a dream

We live in a realm
Not in the ultimate realm
That our soul will guide us to

We live this life first
Learn what we need to know now
After soul leaves body we die

That is when it starts
The beginning of our dreams
All join the Eternal One

© jennifer kiley 2013
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effortless --- abstract digital art  1600x1200

effortless — abstract digital art

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Hans Zimmer — Time (INCEPTION)
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QUOTATIONS on TIME:

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose Kennedy

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” ― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button screenplay

“Time is what we want most,but what we use worst.” ― William Penn

“Time is an illusion.” ― Albert Einstein

“You may delay, but time will not.” ― Benjamin Franklin

“Time is a game played beautifully by children.” ― Heraclitus, Fragments
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Letters of Import: We Chose Life 7

Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
We Chose Life 7
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrations & abstract digital art by j. kiley
© jennifer kiley 2013
First Posting 03.19.13
Posted Weekly Early Tuesday Morning
Seventh Posting 04.30.13silver divider between paragraphsanyone living or dead is purely coincidentalsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphsletters - we chose life 7Tuesday, November 12th, 2007

Dear Annie

I must bring this to your immediate attention. Last week, when I wrote to you in our usual letter, I included a poem. It was a raw and painful poem to write. I would really like to discuss some of it with you in this letter. I hope you don’t mind. It has been making me feel rather vulnerable, even though I haven’t sent you the letter yet. Someday, any day, might be when I do get brave enough and really write these letters with the direct expectation of mailing them to you or handing them to you in person. The second way would make me feel more assured that you received the letters personally and no one else touched them or might accidentally open them. I don’t think anyone at the counseling center would ever do something like that intentionally. But these are very private letters meant for your eyes only. Just thinking about discussing the poem I wrote is making me feel rather anxious. In fact, I feel like I am starting to have a panic attack. Let me take a Klonopin before we continue. After that I will post the poem and the paragraph that followed it. I want to discuss that along with the poem. I’ll be right back.

Here I am, back really quickly. It will only take about 15 minutes for the med to take effect. Well, here goes, this is the poem once again appearing in one of my letters I am writing to only you. If I ever give these letters to you, I must have your word that you will never ever show these to anyone else. No one must know what I am telling you. These have to be our secret. If you only knew how I feel inside.

How do I really feel about you Annie? Right now, I have no idea. Too afraid to go inside to find out what I truly feel. The whole of the world confounds me. It just makes me feel depressed. It just feels that I can’t hold onto the people I love. They just tend to die. It’s not like they’re even old. When you die in your twenties, I would call that dying “Forever Young.” Too many die FY. You’re not going to do that, are you Annie?

What do you think of my poem? If you read it now, how would you decipher it? I’ll play both of us. You go first, or should I? Let me pull out the first three lines. The writer, the lover, the thinker: isn’t something missing? Whose feeling anything? The lover is just sexual. You can do that without any feelings at all. The writer is mental but could be emotional with the words they are expressing. But I don’t think so. It’s cerebral. The thinker, existential separation anxiety filled with analytical theorizing until infinity gets exhausted.

Someone is missing. Someone who connects in a soulful way with people or animals. Who is that? Lets think about it. Send out feelings to find out who they are? You think a spiritualist. I thought I was one of those people. I believe in the spirit, the soul, the astral body, the separation from the physical. The soul is just carrying the weight of the body while its heart beats and air fills its lungs and the grey matter still is able to function to make the physical tissues of the body perform.

I was thinking tonight about Heaven Annie. As I made it up the stairs to bed and my cat always raced up the stairs before me. We play that game every night. I make believe I’m going to beat him tonight. It’s always the challenge. There’s no way in Hell that I can ever beat him. But he loves the game. You want to know his name? He goes by many. He has such a magnificent personality. We call him Sparky because he sparks like fireworks. It’s not his official name. That one is proper. We named him Higgins after the character in the great Broadway play Pygmalion. He responds to anything but Higgins and he rather prefers being called Sparky.

What the Hell are we talking about? Is it about making it through with some enjoyment and to try to forget about all the nightmares? Or are we suppose to face the nightmares? The soul tells me that we have to or we won’t make it. I have too many. How about you? What are your bad dreams? What tried to fuck you up? Any bad people in your dreams? You seem pretty together but anyone can put a mask on. Why do you suppose we all try to hide from everyone? We are all human. Our feelings fall somewhere into the human category. Are we afraid people will think we are crazy or too weird?

Back to the poem, the next three lines are pretty explosive. Feeling the fool for not hearing, the silence for not screaming and feelings trying to blow the whole thing wide open but being stopped somehow. What stopped me? You probably would like to know that. A good reason, how about one of the abusers threatened to kill me right at the moment I told him if he didn’t stop I would go to the police. Wrong thing to say to a nasty, mean pedophile. He tried to kill me but he stopped at just making me feel he was going to crush my head into stones like Stonehenge. He pulled back but not until he told me he would not only kill me but my whole family. Those other people who also abused me. For some reason I felt I needed to protect them. I didn’t care if he killed me. My life was ruined. They all in combination destroyed who I am. They crushed my life. I am dead. My spirit has been stolen from me. It’s like in Peter Pan, they stole my shadow, my reflection. I don’t have one any longer. I am invisible. That’s why no one can see me. Why I never get noticed except when someone wants to hurt me or make me feel more pain so that I really do want to be invisible. I just wanted to die.

The only reason I stayed alive was I loved my grandmother. The funny thing about it all, my grandma, she had an accident shortly after this and went into the hospital. She never went home again. I saw her once at the hospital. I climbed into her hospital bed with her. Under the oxygen tent, we hugged. I held her so close. Her arms used her strength, as much as she could and held me close. Then it was time to go. I gave a bunch of kisses to say goodbye to her. I didn’t know I would never see her alive again.

She died in protest. They wanted her to become one of the forgotten. She wasn’t going to let them do that to her. She told them that it was something she would never do, going to a nursing home. She stopped her breathing and her heart from beating. She left me behind. I stopped living when she stopped, too.

“The feelings trying to explode…Where was the awareness?” I was clueless on what or who to, if anyone, to talk to. I never talked to anyone back then. Words were not my companion when spoken out loud. Not something I even knew how to do. Didn’t know how. Had no practice. What would have been the right words to say anyway? I didn’t know them to say or to even write down on paper. I am only learning now how to connect my words with feeling.

“We say ‘Welcome to the surface.’ It should have been Welcome to the circus. “Now what needs to be done?” We need to find someone new that we can really talk to. Someone who will listen and really hear what we are saying. Not judge us. Try to understand. And not constantly criticize us and try to put us down. Diminish who we are. That’s been done all our life except in college. For some reason I mattered when I was in college. I felt important and wanted. The same happened when I was part of the Women’s Center when I lived in Connecticut. It’s not so much I want to feel important. I just want to feel like I matter. Everyone I think needs to feel important in some way.

“Releasing the energy ensnared for decades amongst twisted webs…” I have been so blocked. My thoughts and feelings didn’t have an outlet. And I didn’t know how to say the words. I was made my own prisoner eventually, out of fear. Demons possessed me with fear. All the demons from all the years of abuse and made to feel like I was nothing, a nobody that had no worth or purpose.

“The voice is seeking freedom but holding onto multiple secrets.” We have a central voice but we also have multiple voices. With all the alters, we have to listen to all their voices and all the needs they tell us that they have. It’s hard to keep track or remember. It is really confusing inside our head sometimes. But we were working with a woman therapist who had her moments of quality therapy but she had her problems. I have an obsessive alter who was in love with her and obsessed with her. Let’s call it quite dependent. We were attached. We needed her. She was the first therapist that figured out what was going on inside our head. She figured out the DID. I have to admit when she told us we has other personalities, it really freaked us out. Kind of went into shock and some heavy denial. No way could that be possible. She said the psychiatrist agreed with her after he tested me.

That was the big secret. We thought realizing we were Gay was enough of a shock but being MPD was more difficult. Coming out of that closet was worst. It took us a while before we could tell Scottie and we had been together for a long time at that point. Almost 15 years. When I found the courage to tell her, her reaction was: “Oh, I already knew.” I asked her why she didn’t tell me. “Because you needed to figure that out yourself.” Of course, she was right. It wasn’t easy. Like I usually do, I bought or borrowed every book I could find on the subject of MPD. I learned it all. Enough to get a degree.

There is so much more to discuss in this poem. I packed it with a great deal of exposure of my past. I need a break. I may try to answer more of the points in this letter or carry it over to the next letter.

It’s a list of some of the confusion that smashed into our life. It started when we were really little and didn’t stop. The abuse continued when we were adults. No was the word that meant nothing to anyone who wanted something from us. Our body betrayed us. We couldn’t stop anyone from forcing us. Some didn’t even realize they were forcing us but they were. If we shut down inside we became frozen. We couldn’t stop what was happening. This started when we were little and continued into our adult relationships. It was all on some degree of force. We weren’t there in our bodies. We left or went deep inside or floated on the ceiling until it was over.

It wasn’t consensual. It was a form of rape and abuse. We wanted love but not sex. We didn’t want to be sexually aroused because it would always end with us disappearing and our bodies would shut down. It was like turning the keys off in a car. The engine would stop running and so would we. Eventually we created an outside person, a human robot, who faked our life like a computer. She would accumulate data. And learned the expected behavior and that would be hos she would perform. We were safe inside while she was out there living a fake life as a fake person. A puppet represented us. She hid in plain sight. No one would find us with the puppet self having a controlled pattern of behavior, always asking questions to improve her performance do she wouldn’t be detected.

Our hiding place was discovered by this woman therapist. She saw through the facade. She was tricky and scary to us. She got to close. We started to care too much. She opened up the rawness in us. She made us need people. Specifically, she made us need her too desperately. We felt so close to her. But more like the fox in Le Petite Prince by Antoine de St. Exupery. She tamed part of our wildness. She made us want to be loved by her. Being loved and wanting to love in return puts such a control on you. I began to develop an overwhelming need for her. It was driving me mad. Everything started falling apart. My life felt out of control.

Our hiding place was revealed. There was no place to go except into madness and wanting to commit suicide. Suicide has always been a part of our life. It is a part of our breathing. It is always an alternative to the divine madness. We can escape that way any time we chose. But it is not an answer we can choose. Not with all that we are responsible for. Our life needs us to be in it. Everything has changed. We are learning to begin to live. We have found a purpose. It is delicate and sometimes difficult to balance but we are giving our new life all that we are able to give it. We know and are learning what we are able to do. We are able to write. We are able to be creative. Our artistic nature is starting to blossom. We are letting it be free. It likes that. It feels like are trusted to let the muse guide us. She always seems to be when we need her. We don’t push it. We let it be a natural flow. We like, no we love where we are now. It does have its difficulties with the mentally creative activities that bombard our brain. But we work hard on that more with our doc then with Mr. Xxx. He is about as helpful as a dead skeleton. His sense of warmth and communication I’d to tell stories that do not at all relate to what I am feeling or going through. He doesn’t help me at all except to give me reasons to escape my life. He lets me run away. I know I have my weaknesses but I need to find my life before I die or I kill myself because I can’t live with the confusion any longer or the depressions or rage.

I want to say that I am here and I want to stay alive. We want to be here. We choose life.

We fought through them trying to destroy us. They didn’t succeed. We are still alive. No matter how many battles. No matter how many nights we have to fight to make it alive til morning gets here. Therapy, knowing my psychoanalyst is there is so reassuring. It means at least one person is out there in our Universe that knows we are alive. That we exist. Being alive is a higher grade than just existing. The artist that lives inside of us makes it all matter. Otherwise, nothing else matters. If I didn’t have my art, my animals, the women I love and the men who are decent that I love. A good home and family who I love and who love me. The special people who know who they are. They are part of what make this life I live matter. But that involves some major time tripping. I am having visions of a future in my life, but I must be patient and wait for that time to happen. It is a good sign that I make it to that future. Others do not.

Here in 2007 I have you Annie. I am focusing on that. Your presence is beginning to mean something more to me than I even understand at this moment. We will see where that takes us.

Until next time.

Regards,
Madisonsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphsI attach this to the letters I write to you Annie to assure the strictest of confidence.

To Annie,

At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, then I am freeing myself up to write whatever I wish without need of censorship. Maybe someday, when I am feeling more familiar with just who you are and what you might mean to me, this parameter will be altered and a copy of this and future letters will be relayed to you. For now I want to maintain secrecy, to protect you, Annie, and to protect myself from over testing the boundaries between us and to record the development of our relationship.

I want Annie Haskell to trust me. I want you to know I am trying to protect you and also myself from any humiliation. Writing to you in this way frees up my words as I speak them onto the page. Some future date, if I feel trusting enough, I will release to you what I have written in honesty. Right now, I will keep my words confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages, I promise you that.

Regards,
Madison Taylorsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphs

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labyrinth of a wandering wonderland

the labyrinth called “wandering wonderland.” it is where madison, scottie and their cats, patrick, sparky and toker love to escape to

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madison's woods of imagination where she takes long walks to reflect

madison’s “woods of imagination” where she takes long walks to reflect. it starts just past the labyrinth

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QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poesilver divider between paragraphsQUOTATIONS on LIVING:

“There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life, and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive. This ecstasy, this forgetfulness of living, comes to the artist, caught up and out of himself in a sheet of flame…” — Jack London

“There are two kinds of people. One kind…they congealed into their final selves…you can expect no more surprises from them…the other kind keep moving, changing… They are fluid. They keep moving forward and making new trysts with life, and the motion of it keeps them young. In my opinion, they are the only people who are still alive…” ― Gail Godwin
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“Here’s Looking At You Kid”

“Here’s Looking At You Kid.”
Film: Casablanca
Starring Humphrey Bogart & Ingrid Bergman
Playing Roles of Rick Blaine & Ilsa Lund
Created by jk the secret keeper
Posted 04.28.13

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Casablanca: Rick Blaine & Ilsa Lund "Here's Looking At You Kid."  1024x768

Casablanca: Rick Blaine & Ilsa Lund “Here’s Looking At You Kid.”

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Rick: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: But, Richard, no, I… I…

Rick: Now, you’ve got to listen to me! You have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we’d both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn’t that true, Louie?

Captain Renault: I’m afraid Major Strasser would insist.

Ilsa: You’re saying this only to make me go.

Rick: I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: But what about us?

Rick: We’ll always have Paris. We didn’t have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.

Rick: And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.

[Ilsa lowers her head and begins to cry]

Rick: Now, now…

[Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet]

Rick: Here’s looking at you kid.

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casablanca 1947 680x1915

casablanca 1947

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casablanca: rick blaine & ilsa lund in paris cafe 680x540

casablanca: rick blaine & ilsa lund in paris cafe 680×540

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casablanca: rick hanging out with sam 1600x1155

casablanca: rick hanging out with sam

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casablanca: ilsa role played by ingrid berman

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FILM REVIEW of CASABLANCA

“Here’s looking at you kid.”

There are so many memorable lines and scenes in the film “Casablanca.”
Casablanca (1942) Directed by Michael Curtiz: Starring Humphrey Bogart as Rick Blaine; Ingrid Bergman as Ilsa Lund; Peter Lorre as Ugarte; Claude Raines as Louie (Head of Police/Rick’s Friend); Paul Henreid as Victor Laszlo; Sydney Greenstreet as Ferrari, proprietor of the night club The Blue Parrot.

Just one of the fifty films a studio would make each year back in the day. Casablanca was just one of those films thrown into that collection. Who knew it would spring forth and become the success that it is. Today, it is considered one of the top romantic films of all time.

Won for Best Picture 1942 Oscar. One of the most universally admired films ever made. On most lists of the greatest films of all times. Even people who don’t like old films or black and white films love Casablanca. Roger Ebert said he doesn’t think he’s heard of any negative reviews of this film ever. All the characters are all good except the Nazis. Vichy are the French who collaborate with the Nazis.

Rick’s Cafe Americain in Casablanca in French Morocco, where everyone went for entertainment or to hang out for a drink or to go to the back room where there is gambling going on. Here, in Casablanca, some may obtain exit visas but others may wait and wait and wait. At the beginning of the film, you find out that some couriers were killed in the desert and robbed of exit visas. Officials wanting to see a man’s papers, causes the man to freak out, his papers are not in order, so he runs and is shot and killed because he didn’t halt when ordered to. Life is meaningless.

When Louie, the head of the police, is asked by Major Strasser, what is being done about the murder of the couriers, his answer is: “We’ve rounded up the usual suspects.” No one likes Nazis and the head of the Nazis in this movie doesn’t make them any more popular and maybe makes them even less popular. The Marseillaise is the present day French National Anthem. Remember that when you watch Casablanca.

Ugarte shows up and talks to Rick. Wants to have a drink with Rick but as a rule he doesn’t drink with any of the guests of his night club. Ugarte likes to brag to Rick. He just is looking for Rick’s approval but knows that Rick despises him but he is the only person that Ugarte trusts. Rick does finally seem impressed with him. You’ll have to watch the movie to find out why.

Ferrari wants Rick’s place. He is always trying to buy it. It’s the best place in town. Sasha hangs out there and is sort of Rick’s girl friend and is a bit of an alcoholic. It’s understandable she wants to drink the times are during the 2nd World War and it is making everyone edgy and the French are being ruled by the Germans.

Louie and Rick get involved in a conversation and Louie asks why Rick came to such a God Forsaken place like Casablanca. Rick’s a smart ass and says: “It’s for the water.” But, of course, it is a desert. Rick’s is permitted to stay open because he just doesn’t want to get involved. But he has in his hands something that a lot of people are looking for but no one has any idea what that is. Louie tells Rick there is a famous patriot of the war headed for Casablanca. A member of the Gestapo, Major Strasser, is expected at the club. He is a thoroughly disagreeable Nazis but then what Nazi isn’t. That I may say often.

A major happening occurs at Rick’s but he reassures everyone to settle down and get back into enjoying themselves. Rick actually sits down with the Nazis. The Nazis make mention about invading New York. Rick warns them about staying away from certain sections of New York. They may not be safe. They start in talking about Victor Lazslo being on his way. Rick assuring them that he doesn’t plan on getting involved.

Victor Laszlo and Ilsa Lund eventually show up as expected and walk through the cafe and take a seat in the night club. Expect that many will be approaching Victor fairly often because of his importance and how nervous they make the Nazis. Ilsa starts asking about the piano player and who owns the Night Club. Louie tells her it is a man named Rick. Major Strasser is introduced and acts like the ass that he is. Starts applying his power over Laszlo.

It is evident that Ilsa and Victor are close but at this time we know nothing of their relationship other then they are traveling together. Victor leaves her at table to meet a man at the bar and finds out about Ugarte.

Ilsa wants to speak to the piano player. His name is Sam and she asks him to play some of the old songs. There is a sadness between Sam regarding Rick. She wants him to play a the song “As Time Goes By.” Sam sings the song for her. Out comes Rick telling Sam he’s not suppose to play that song. Rick sees Ilsa sitting at her table. The last time Rick saw Ilsa was in Paris when the Germans marched in to take over the city. He was unnerved seeing her again. He was so not himself that he actually had a drink with all at the table breaking his precedent of not drinking with guests of the night club The Americain.

Later back in his rooms, Rick has a bottle, and tells Sam he is not planning on going to bed. He thinks Ilsa is going to show up. Sam isn’t going to leave his boss alone. He starts getting maudlin. “Of all the gin joints in all the world, she walks into mine.” He wants Sam to play “As Time Goes By.” Sam doesn’t want to open the wounds.

Flashback: Paris with Rick and Ilsa driving around in a convertible. then down by the Seine. In the hotel drinking champagne. “Who are you really and what were you before and what did you think?” Ricks asks. Ilsa’s response: “We said no questions.” All the best lines in these scenes. So many to write down and remember. She reveals an answer without the question. Watch the movie to find out what she told Rick.

Outside, newspapers are being passed around. The Germans are coming I believe are the headlines and what they are saying in French over the microphones. There is a lot of action going on out in the streets.

The most famous line is spoken by Rick toasting champagne with Sam and Ilsa: “Here’s looking at you kid.” Everything is falling apart. “Where were you ten years ago?” Rick said he was looking for a job. For some reason there is a price on Rick’s head but no one knows why. It’s time for everyone to leave Paris. Their suppose to meet at the train station from where they will be leaving. Ilsa loves him so much and the war, she hates that in just the opposite emotion. She thinks that they will be taken apart. “Kiss me as if it is the last time.”

It’s raining at the train station. With three minutes until last train leaves. No Ilsa but Sam and Rick are waiting. There is a note from the Hotel. Fade Out Paris Train Station as you watch the rain wash the ink off of the note in Rick’s hand.

Fade In: Rick’s Rooms enter Ilsa. She wants to talk to him, to tell him a story. It’s about a girl who meets a man, a very courageous man. She looked up to him. She thought it was love. Who did she leave him for? Laszlo or others in between?

Victor and Ilsa meet Strasser at Police station. Strasser guarantees Laszlo will never receive an exit visa. His only way to leave is to be a traitor to his people. Do you really think he is the type of man to be a traitor. Nazis have no sense of integrity so they do not understand an enigma like Victor Laszlo. An important person to their leaving has been reported to be dead.

Rick visits The Blue Parrot and talks with Ferrari, who wants the letters of transit. He tells Rick he thinks he knows where the letters are. Rick purposely left his club so the police would have a chance to ransack it. Louie’s men were impressively destructive at Rick’s Place in order to win points with Major Strasser. Louie blows with the wind. He is with the Vichy. The Vichy being the French who go along and reluctantly support the French. The French who are loyal to their own country feel betrayed by the Vichy.

A young woman comes to Rick to plead for some help. She will have to sleep with Louie if her husband doesn’t win enough money so they can afford a visa. If they use only the money they have there would be nothing left. Louise fully expects her to have sex with him if the money isn’t won. Louie sees that the young woman and Rick are being obvious about conspiring. They are all in the backroom where the gambling goes on. Louie is an odd duck. Louie accuses Rick of being a rank sentimentalist.

Victor has a visit with Rick. The Underground tell Victor all sorts of very impressive things about activities that Rick was involved in during the war.

In Rick’s Cafe, the Nazis are singing about the Fatherland. It is so despicable to the French in the club that they have a singing competition. Guess who wins. Strasser is not very satisfied. He tells Louie to find an excuse to close Rick’s. He tells Rick the reason is because he is shocked that gambling is going on in his club.

Strasser just keeps getting creepier. Threatens Ilsa.

Later Ilsa and Victor speak about the letters of transit and what Rick said about asking his wife why he won’t give up the letters.

Ilsa goes to Rick’s rooms and tries to get letters from him. She wants to tell him what really happened in Paris. The feelings between them, have they been buried or are they gone? The truth comes out. She had no hope that Victor was alive when she was in Paris with Rick.

Victor and Rick talk. They are not that far apart in what they believe.

Louie and Rick talk about letters. Louie doesn’t like Strasser.

Approaching the final few scenes of the film. Cafe Americain is still closed by order of the Prefect of Police. Ferrari has taken over the Cafe. Louie thinks he is at Cafe to arrest Laszlo but Rick surprises him and makes him call the airport to tell them that there is to be no trouble about two letters of transit. Everything is building up to the excitement of what is all going to culminate in some of the biggest surprises yet in the film.

Best closing scenes in any movie and best closing lines. Memorable til the final line.

For the rest of the film and to fill in all the spaces that I have left out, you will need to find a copy of this film on DVD or streaming from online or whatever source you are able to find to watch the whole thing and to see how it ends. It is a thoroughly amazing film to watch. It seems the perfect film in detail, dialogue, scenes, settings, storyline, acting and durability. It has all the perfect elements and the best acting. Filled with sentiment and sacrifice. I first saw this film when I was in my 20s. It was such a surprise that I did not see it when I was a kid. It is understandable for older children and a fascinating film for all adults.

The following videos do have SPOILERS so watch them if you have seen the film already or if you don’t mind seeing scenes before seeing the film. I am sure a great many of you have watched this film. But if you haven’t, it should be on everyone’s’ film list as a must see. The sheer acting alone and the love story and the screenplay is brilliant. The cast is to die for. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman play the leads. They are two of the finest actors of all times. Worthy of anyone’s time to find out how great they are in Casablanca. No one had any idea what a remarkable film this was going to turn out to be. The special benefit if this film is you get to hate the Nazis and you get to curse them out without impunity. It has the most classic lines of almost any film ever made. Enjoy the videos and seriously consider locating this film if you haven’t seen it and find it so you can watch it again. “Here’s Looking At You Kid.” jk the SK

Tribute To Casablanca
Filled With Spoilers

Casablanca La Marseillaise

All About the Film “Casablanca”

The relationship between Rick and Ilsa was filled with Desire. I am going to write a poem about Desire in my new form of Haiku. I refer to it as X-treme Haiku. I use an altered form of Haiku with the onji (lines) in the 5 – 7 – 7. I do as few or as many verses as I feel will tell the story that I am writing. Sometimes the story will more often be a touch abstract and other times it may be a philosophical exploration, or a story that may have the appearance of something that may b close in resemblance to a fable. With X-treme Haiku I want to allow myself the freedom to write about what I want but to also include restriction which will encourage restraint on my part so that I will write more concisely with the use of fewer words that will contain an understanding and a discipline toward accuracy. I have been using this style of X-treme Haiku for a short while now and find it makes me more disciplined. It involves research and a greater understanding of the words I use. Being precise about definitions of the language I am using. There is a cleanness to the design. The other rules are for myself and they include the use of words. I do not or try not to repeat a word within the same verse or if possible within the same poem unless absolutely necessary. I like mystery in my poems so I do have the tendency to be a touch cryptic and/or abstract. I like analyzing what it is I am writing about. I am honest about whatever it is I have chosen to write about. I believe in going into the depths of what I mean in what I write. Truth is essential. Directness is essential. Abstraction is often essential. I believe in creating a puzzle that must be deciphered. I do not often hand out the simplicity of a matter. A specific reason for that is when I am writing I am also trying to interpret and examine in depth what subject is I am writing on and usually for the purpose of trying to understand what is within or what it is about that I am writing. Now to the poem.

x-treme haiku: "desire" by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013  823x6441

x-treme haiku: “desire” by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

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Play It, Sam — As Time Goes By

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QUOTATIONS on FILM & DESIRE:

FILM:

“The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.” ― Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

“It starts so young, and I’m angry about that. The garbage we’re taught. About love, about what’s “romantic.” Look at so many of the so-called romantic figures in books and movies. Do we ever stop and think how many of them would cause serious and drastic unhappiness after The End? Why are sick and dangerous personality types so often shown a passionate and tragic and something to be longed for when those are the very ones you should run for your life from? Think about it. Heathcliff. Romeo. Don Juan. Jay Gatsby. Rochester. Mr. Darcy. From the rigid control freak in The Sound of Music to all the bad boys some woman goes running to the airport to catch in the last minute of every romantic comedy. She should let him leave. Your time is so valuable, and look at these guys–depressive and moody and violent and immature and self-centered. And what about the big daddy of them all, Prince Charming? What was his secret life? We dont know anything about him, other then he looks good and comes to the rescue.” ― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

“Only the gentle are ever really strong.” ― James Dean

“Certain things leave you in your life and certain things stay with you. And that’s why we’re all interested in movies- those ones that make you feel, you still think about. Because it gave you such an emotional response, it’s actually part of your emotional make-up, in a way.” ― Tim Burton, Burton on Burton

“Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.” I been sayin’ that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. .45 here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd. — he became the shepherd instead of the vengeance.” ― Quentin Tarantino

“A good movie can take you out of your dull funk and the hopelessness that so often goes with slipping into a theatre; a good movie can make you feel alive again, in contact, not just lost in another city. Good movies make you care, make you believe in possibilities again. If somewhere in the Hollywood-entertainment world someone has managed to break through with something that speaks to you, then it isn’t all corruption. The movie doesn’t have to be great; it can be stupid and empty and you can still have the joy of a good performance, or the joy in just a good line. An actor’s scowl, a small subversive gesture, a dirty remark that someone tosses off with a mock-innocent face, and the world makes a little bit of sense. Sitting there alone or painfully alone because those with you do not react as you do, you know there must be others perhaps in this very theatre or in this city, surely in other theatres in other cities, now, in the past or future, who react as you do. And because movies are the most total and encompassing art form we have, these reactions can seem the most personal and, maybe the most important, imaginable. The romance of movies is not just in those stories and those people on the screen but in the adolescent dream of meeting others who feel as you do about what you’ve seen. You do meet them, of course, and you know each other at once because you talk less about good movies than about what you love in bad movies.” ― Pauline Kael, For Keeps: 30 Years at the Movies

“Books and movies, they are not mere entertainment. They sustain me and help me cope with my real life.” ― Arlaina Tibensky

DESIRE:

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ― Epicurus

“Things are sweeter when they’re lost. I know–because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.” ― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

“She leaned forward and caught at his hand, pressing it between her own. The touch was like white fire through his veins. He could not feel her skin only the cloth of her gloves, and yet it did not matter. You kindled me, heap of ashes that I am, into fire. He had wondered once why love was always phrased in terms of burning. The conflagration in his own veins, now, gave the answer.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

“Desiring another person is perhaps the most risky endeavor of all. As soon as you want somebody—really want him—it is as though you have taken a surgical needle and sutured your happiness to the skin of that person, so that any separation will now cause a lacerating injury.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

“I desire to be with you. I miss you. I feel lonely when I can’t see you. I am obsessed with you, fascinated by you, infatuated with you. I hunger for your taste, your smell, the feel of your soul touching mine.” ― Jack Llawayllynn, Indulgence

“Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone.” ― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes
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X-treme Haiku: Madness

X-treme Haiku: Madness
By Jennifer Kiley
abstract digital art by j. kiley
Created 04.26.13
Posted 04.27.13

Darkness Stirs Madness---abstract digital art 737x576

Darkness Stirs Madness

x-treme haiku: madness by jennifer kiley © jennifer kiley 2013  821x1876

x-treme haiku: madness by jennifer kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

candle flame flickering gif

purple madness---abstract digital art by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013  720x344

purple madness abstract digital art by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

The Approaching Night — Philip Wesley

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QUOTATIONS on MADNESS:

“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.” ― Philip K. Dick, VALIS

“My wish is that you may be loved to the point of madness.” ― André Breton, What is Surrealism?: Selected Writings

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle

“Too much sanity may be madness — and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!” ― Dale Wasserman, Man of La Mancha

“When you are mad, mad like this, you don’t know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else’s reality, it’s still reality to you.” ― Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

“Crazy people are considered mad by the rest of the society only because their intelligence isn’t understood.” ― Weihui Zhou

“All forms of madness, bizarre habits, awkwardness in society, general clumsiness, are justified in the person who creates good art.” ― Roman Payne, Rooftop Soliloquy

“Doubt … is an illness that comes from knowledge and leads to madness.” ― Gustave Flaubert, Memoirs of a Madman

“So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.” ― Alan Moore, Batman: The Killing Jokesilver divider between paragraphs

Toward A New Understanding of Mental Illness

Toward A New Understanding of Mental Illness
TED Talk: Thomas Insel
Post Created by j. kiley
Post Created 04.24.13
Posted 04..13

van gogh starry night variation

van gogh starry night on the rhone

38,000 people die each year from Suicide. One every 15 minutes. More than murders and traffic accidents. And those who are likely to commit Suicide are those with Brain Disorders. Medical studies are moving away from calling Brain Disorders the term mental illness or disorders or a behavioral disease.

Published on Apr 16, 2013

Today, thanks to better early detection, there are 63% fewer deaths from heart disease than there were just a few decades ago. Thomas Insel, Director of the National Institute of Mental Health, wonders: Could we do the same for depression and schizophrenia? The first step in this new avenue of research, he says, is a crucial reframing: for us to stop thinking about “mental disorders” and start understanding them as “brain disorders.”

Thomas Insel: Toward a new understanding of mental illness TED Talk

QUOTATIONS on BRAIN vs MENTAL

“I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle, A Study in Scarlet

“But when you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That’s when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.” ― George Carlin, Last Words

“The vast majority of us imagine ourselves as like literature people or math people. But the truth is that the massive processor known as the human brain is neither a literature organ or a math organ. It is both and more.” ― John Green

“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?” ― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

“My mind,” he said, “rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. I can dispense then with artificial stimulants. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation. That is why I have chosen my own particular profession, or rather created it, for I am the only one in the world.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Sign of Four

“Their screams would echo through the house and reverberate against my eardrums until my mind would fracture. Years went by and with each fracture; I lost a piece of my soul until I became lost and empty inside.” ― J.D. Stroube, Caged in Darkness

“Statistics say that a range of mental disorders affects more than one in four Americans in any given year. That means millions of Americans are totally batshit.
but having perused the various tests available that they use to determine whether you’re manic depressive. OCD, schizo-affective, schizophrenic, or whatever, I’m surprised the number is that low. So I have gone through a bunch of the available tests, and I’ve taken questions from each of them, and assembled my own psychological evaluation screening which I thought I’d share with you.
So, here are some of the things that they ask to determine if you’re mentally disordered
1. In the last week, have you been feeling irritable?
2. In the last week, have you gained a little weight?
3. In the last week, have you felt like not talking to people?
4. Do you no longer get as much pleasure doing certain things as you used to?
5. In the last week, have you felt fatigued?
6. Do you think about sex a lot?
If you don’t say yes to any of these questions either you’re lying, or you don’t speak English, or you’re illiterate, in which case, I have the distinct impression that I may have lost you a few chapters ago.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking

“It is now well established that the unconscious mind is the wellspring of all human creativity.” ― Earnest Rossi

Only Love

Only Love
Poem & Story by Jennifer Kiley
Videos & Photographs by Shawn MacKenzie
© Shawn Mackenzie
Extra Photographs by J. Kiley
© jennifer kiley
Created Post 04.24.13
Posted 04.25.13

(1) gatsby poe parker gazing carter waiting

gatsby w poe

I am recording a post that takes us back in time to show when the little ones Poe, Parker and Carter were climbing around barely but they are the loves of our life. This is then. I will be including in the first video I post a visit into arriving at the NOW. They were born April 22nd 2012. The second one will be a video made two days ago. Shawn made a beautiful video for their birthday. I wanted to compare the two videos together to see how they have changed. Both are on this Post and easily found. I started this on FB but decided it belonged on The Secret Keeper. I am opening up and letting you in to a precious part of our world. Our Animals.

Only Love — Melissa Etheridge — Our Kittens b. 04.22.2012

Our Love Child is Carter, the one with the white bib, also nick-named Sparky. He is the Zen Master of our home. The most gentle of bears until yesterday when he tried to give Saki, our Amazon Parrot, a bear hug. He was swiftly removed and pointedly reprimanded for his behavior.

carter being pensive while daydreaming

carter being pensive while daydreaming

Saki is a toy to him but he knows he is not allowed such freedoms of his instinctual nature to manifest itself. The three kittens will learn like our other cats, that it is unacceptable behavior at all times. Respect the Beak or Beware of the Pain. Saki has been quite good about not demonstrating what Respect The Beak really means but if she must, SHE MUST. I will not hold her back if it ever came to that.

saki

saki

1024x768saki hanging five

saki hanging five

saki and schroader

Beware the Beak: Has anyone out there been bitten by an Amazon Parrot when she really means it? Trust me it is extremely painful and can go down to the bone. LOTS OF PAIN INVOLVED. Saki protects me by biting me to alert me I am in danger. Which actually, in most cases, not true. Her bites can be casual or go deep into flesh and hurt like Hell. One needs to clean out carefully and make the wound bleed if it is not already doing so. Her beak goes in so deep and the opening closes so fast. Lesson for the day. BEWARE of the BEAK. 8-) :-) We ♥ all our babies furry & especially feathery.

chin love their bliss spots

chin love their bliss spots

sagan 2048x1536

sagan aka buddha baby

willow 720x540

willow — an extremely special chin — she is watching over us in the mist

April 24.2012

sundance1 aka 12.07.10

On April 22nd 2013, their one year old Birthday. We had quite the adventure with them. A special treat: Shawn set up our playpen for our chinchillas to romp around in. The first time for the kittens Poe, Parker and Carter to witness this exciting newness. The chins had always been too small to be allowed to use it. It would have been too easily for them to slip through. They are now big enough and the kittens are old enough to experience the excitement and show respect at the same time.

carter the wise

carter the wise

poe parker on top carter to left 640x480

poe parker on top carter to left

parker and carter 1

carter in his box 1024x768

carter in his box

parker and carter 1

carter with brother poe snuggling and huggling  960x720

carter with brother poe snuggling and huggling 960×720

Of course, Parker decided he was going to jump over the top and join Sagan and Sundance as they ran around. It was momentarily okay until Parker reached out one of his paws to place on top of either Sagan or Sundance. I missed this happening. That is how quickly Shawn responded and whisked Parker out of the playpen. Now that the test trial is over with the playpen, we will have to enact the play time for both kittens and chins more often. Well, the video is a treat Shawn created that shows in stills how the kittens went from wee little creatures to almost full grown ones.

gatsby w poe

poe in computer bag

Carter is the one with the white bib and I must admit the favorite of many. But all are unique in their own forms of expression. We were blessed with being given a stray kitten herself, Gatsby, just over a year ago and a week later finding out we were going to be blessed with kittens also. They all filled a gap of many cats we lost over the years from a certain damned disease that effects so many people and only so recently a cat named Spootie-paws.

Spootiepaws Regal

Spootiepaws Regal

She was my almost constant lap cat for many years but still too few not to miss her terribly when she had to be taken from us. We had to decide her death. And yes, the dreaded disease of Cancer took her also. Surgery didn’t help except to give us two more weeks with her. I posted the gorgeous picture of her just above and I will post one of her rather silly ones also. We love our animals so deeply. Enjoy What Shawn did with this video. She surprised me with the song she chose to cover as a soundtrack. I will hint that it is from the Broadway Show “RENT.” jk the SK

Surprise Song — Birthday One Year Old on April 22 2013 — Poe Parker Carter

The photo of our Great and Powerful “Spootie-paws” – our most majestic of kitties, shows how regal she could be and also how she can have those silly moments, too. I wrote a poem for her after she had to be put to death. She went from touching my nose at the Animal Shelter where I picked her out as the one we wanted to take home so she could join our family. She loved Shawn and rather tolerated me but slowly we got close. A brief moment here and there on my foot stool to take a nap. Gradually, she worked her way up to my lap over the early years and eventually it was seldom that she wasn’t in my lap always, while tried to type on my laptop, my comments for FB and eventually my blog the secret keeper and of course when I was working on my creative writings, emails and dissertations about one cause or another. All my lap kitties seemed to disappear into the mist at a rather rapid pace. Now there are none.

spootie-paws rather sily and hitting the catnip

spootie-paws rather silly and hitting the catnip in our old kitchen. now it is complete new but she never got to enjoy the new one

But something seems to be happening with Sigmund lately. He just started snuggling up close to me in bed and loves to get under the covers. He, also, runs to the bathroom when I head that way so he can get a drink of water at the faucet. I’ve taught several of our cats and kittens to enjoy drinking fresh water in that way. always the water is set just short of dripping so they do get enough water to drink

sigmund snuggling with shawn

sigmund snuggling with shawn

sigmund posing in basket

sigmund posing in basket

Schroeder does like to snuggle next to me.

schroader after play with degues bubble and squeak

schroader after play with degues bubble and squeak

Now that we have a new couch Spike snuggles right next to my thigh or if my legs on up on the couch, Spike likes to intertwine between my ankles. It is great to have the warmth of a cat on a cold winters night.

spike's towering during imaginary mountain climbing or maybe a tree or two

spike’s towering during imaginary mountain climbing or maybe a tree or two

soyer and spikespike with soyer

sanji19this is sanji our smaller version of a totally black lion. he’s big brother and protector to all the kittens and mom gatsby

I miss altogether not having any dogs. Shawn and I had dogs from the start of our relationship up until we had to have Chaucer, our very last dog put to death. It was a difficult decision but it was the right one. Who doesn’t feel guilty when that decision has to be made. It is a fucking difficult and almost impossible decision to make. When their mental faculties are intact but their bodies are not.

chaucer our terrier looked like this when she was planning on how to teach out Amazon Parrot Saki learn how to bark. And she learned the lesson all so well. Too bloody extremely WELL 1067x1600

chaucer our terrier looked like this when she was planning on how to teach out Amazon Parrot Saki learn how to bark. And she learned the lesson all so well. Too bloody extremely WELL

when chaucer was a puppy before she was abandoned in a state park totally on her own. but she was found and we adopted her. she was a happy cheerful escape artist of the keenly cute kind. no matter what we did with the fence. it didn't keep her in 1059x1600

when chaucer was a puppy before she was abandoned in a state park totally on her own. but she was found and we adopted her. she was a happy cheerful escape artist of the keenly cute kind. no matter what we did with the fence. it didn’t keep her in

Anyway, as you can see I found the two photos I was thinking about that make Spootie in one look Magnificently Regal and in the other like she had been hitting the NIP far above the normal use. Catnip is a part of nature and so far they haven’t banned that and made it illegal. I suppose the government doesn’t care much if cats are stoned and out of control of their well controlled senses. As you can see Spootie-paws is on display and I found the poem that I wrote shortly before her death and dedicated to her. She was and is a part of my soul.

spootie-paws lying over computer keyboard

Spootie-paws Memory Poem

reached out and touched my soul by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013 825x8174

reached out and touched my soul by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013

QUOTATIONS on CATS:

“The only escape from the miseries of life are music and cats…” ― Albert Schweitzer

“What greater gift than the love of a cat.” ― Charles Dickens

“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.” ― Ernest Hemingway

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.” ― Leonardo da Vinci

“I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.” ― Jean Cocteau

“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience.” ― Pam Brown

“Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons.” ― Robertson Davies

“Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.” ― James Herriot, James Herriot’s Cat Storie

“I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through.” ― Jules Verne

“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” ― Hippolyte Taine

“Holding this soft, small living creature in my lap this way, though, and seeing how it slept with complete trust in me, I felt a warm rush in my chest. I put my hand on the cat’s chest and felt his heart beating. The pulse was faint and fast, but his heart, like mine, was ticking off the time allotted to his small body with all the restless earnestness of my own.” ― Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

“What sort of philosophers are we, who know absolutely nothing of the origin and destiny of cats?” ― Henry David Thoreau

“That’s the great secret of creativity. You treat ideas like cats: you make them follow you.” ― Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing

“There are several cats smoothly moving about, which helped me greatly to relax, for I have always felt that no house is wholly bad where there are cats, and conversely, where there are several cats, a house is bound to be wonderfully charming.” ― Hans Holzer, The Ghost Hunter

Teen Suicides - I wish I had a real answer

Reblogged from Vampire Maman:

It is sad that my 13 year old daughter talked about suicides for about a half hour last night. She wouldn’t shut up about it but then again, she needed to talk about it. But what was scary was how she was so matter of fact about it. But she was also passionate and angry about it.

This isn't the first time she talked about it.

Read more… 859 more words

bully film posterBullying is an issue everyone, whether you have children or not, should be concerned with and should be upset about. This post that Vampire Maman wrote brought up many important points that need to be addressed immediately. Bullying should not be tolerated or allowed to exist in our school systems. Go to her site and read the complete post. Join in the non-violent fight of stopping this HORRIBLY SAD situation, where children think that suicide is the only answer to ending the pain of bullying. Stopping the Bullies is the answer and coming to the aid of those who need help. Tell them it will be alright. Help stop their pain by stopping the torture and stopping teen suicide because of it. "Teen Suicides - I wish I had a real answer" written by Vampire Maman *******I have the film "Bully" but I haven't watched it yet. My therapist thought it would be too triggering. Someday soon I am going to see it. (She gave me her approval today to watch this as long as I do some Art Work while watching to de-stress me. *******The young man in the film, I have heard who was mercilessly bullied, now has come out of his shell because of the film. He has lots of friends. He is a success story. *******Far too many teens have taken the road to commit suicide. It is far too painful and the bullies are far too merciless. *******I understand the effects of bullying. I was in music, marching band, orchestra, theatre, sports, and other activities that drew unwanted attention to myself. I didn't fit in anywhere, and I was also extremely shy. But when I was in school the bullying wasn't what it is today. Suicide wasn't the first solution. I don't remember anyone succeeding or attempting suicide. But I may have just blocked it all out. I know that I did think about it. I even did try to commit suicide because of the pain inside of me.But I realized that suicide wasn't the answer. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. *******It seems that today, it is the first resort to ending the pain. Like you, I don't know the answers. If you tell on the bullies, you are considered a snitch, and it makes the bullying worse. I think you are right , there should be a no tolerance rule on bullying. You bully kids you are out of that school. Try a little home schooling on the bullies. Let the other kids live in peace. ******* I suppose, if I were a student today, I might or rather I would be one of the at risk kids to commit suicide. I know from the way I felt at that age, I would not be able to take the kind of torture they are handing out today. *******I think maybe it is time for me to watch the film "Bully." It is one of the top issues I try to focus on and I try to talk about on the secret keeper, but I haven't done it recently. I have an avatar of purple lightning on FB that I vowed I would not replace until bullying was brought under control and stopped. *******It is time to watch the film, review it and to talk about it. *******Vampire Maman, your post is great. Something I needed to read right now. Thank you for bringing up the issue to help people become more aware. There does need to be a constant awareness bringing "Bullying" to everyone's attention. We need to be continually reminded that the issue exists. *******It is curious that I happened to be talking to my partner Shawn about this just this past week. I wondered where was our copy of "Bully." I told her about the boy I mentioned above. I lost my point. Until I remember, I would like to say that I think the point of Vampire Maman's of giving strong support to the weaker kids is a brilliant idea. All kids should get involved. *******I remember. It was about one of the authority figures on a film clip I had viewed, who was from the school where the film "Bully" took place. She said, that "she has ridden the bus in question," (she is talking to some parents,) "and the kids were nothing but behaved. There wasn't any problem here, that she saw." Well, she sounds like a real idiot. Does she really think those kids, especially the bullies, are going to act out while she is present. How stupid is she. This is the mentality kids and parents are dealing with, because they don't see it, it isn't happening. They would rather not see reality, that way they don't have to do anything about it, or feel responsible for the bullying happening. Who knows maybe some of them were bullies themselves and feel, "well, isn't that too bad. why don't they stop whining and just suck it up." *******Something has too happen in the schools. Bullying should be tantamount to abuse on many levels and should not be tolerated and should be prosecuted. It's plain out and out torture. *******Since when is it ok to torture kids. It's like one level below domestic violence, which once upon a time was ignored, and not considered significant enough for the police to do anything about it, until someone was usually killed. *******I am going to reblog this, and later today I'm going to try to find our copy of the film "Bully" and watch it. *******Sometime this week, if I am able, I am going to write a review of the film "Bully". But if not this week I will do it as soon as I am able to. It will be soon, I promise you that. jk the secret keeper. ps. A Great Post Vampire Maman. jk the secret keeper *******STOP BULLYING NOW---*******STOP TEEN SUICIDE NOW---*******SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER---*******IT IS ONLY AN ALL TOO PERMANENT ANSWER FOR A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.