Private Moments #56: Heart Locked Away

private moments in paintings & poetry
Private Moments #56: Heart Locked Away
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 1st April 2014
Posted On Monday 7th April 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS INSIDE PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #56 — I’ve Had To Lock My Love Away

temptations to wonderland (c) Jkm 2014

Temptations to Wonderland (c) Jkm 2008

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

Heart Locked Away
Poem by Madison Taylor
30th September 2008

Heart locked away
In a dark hidden room
Few knew the entrance
Words protected its opening

Long ago ages upon a time
A tale of amazement was unfolding
Riches were stored away protected
Untouched wrongly unraveled through temptation

Possessing objects not your own
In sight of vision but securely protected
Without the owners permission
It is certain torture for the outrage

A definite sentence of death to follow
For the one who lusted perversely
Upon the head of the prisoner
Both shall die beheadings at dawn

Insane tales end badly

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *

On Being Just Crazy Enough

tell me a story
On Being Just Crazy Enough
TED Talk: Joshua Walters
Strange Answers To the Psychopath Test
TED Talk: Jon Ronson
Notations by Jennifer Kiley
Created Sunday 11th August 2013
Posted Thursday 29th August 2013
TELL ME A STORY

Comedian Joshua Walters, who’s bipolar, walks the line between mental illness and mental “skillness.” In this funny, thought-provoking talk, he asks: What’s the right balance between medicating craziness away and riding the manic edge of creativity and drive?

Joshua Walters: On Being Just Crazy Enough

Is there a definitive line that divides crazy from sane? With a hair-raising delivery, Jon Ronson, author of The Psychopath Test, illuminates the gray areas between the two. (With live-mixed sound by Julian Treasure and animation by Evan Grant.)

Jon Ronson: Strange Answers To the Psychopath Test

Laughing Louder Part 2

Laughing Louder Part 2
Scenes That Make You Laugh
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
With Assistance from Shawn MacKENZIE
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Posted On Saturday 10th August 2013
SPECIAL REPOST OF Lightness Of Being
WORDPRESS TIME TRAVELED OTHER POSTING
BACK TO JULY 7TH 2013 SO MOST HAVEN’T HAD A
CHANCE TO SEE THIS. BROUGHT IT FORWARD IN TIME.
IT REALLY IS RATHER FUNNY…SO ENJOY 8-)
Lightness of Being

Sometimes you just need the cure of laughter. This is one of those moments.

I speak rather subjectively on all of the material I chose for this post. I hope it works for everyone who watches. Laughter is so necessary in everyone’s life. Everyone has a different sense of humour. I hope my choices make you all laugh. With Good Spirit I offer This Up For You and For Shawn and Myself To Bring Some Needed Laughter Into Our Life at This Moment.

Starting right out with the funniest scene from the film Tootsie — The Reveal. If you haven’t seen Tootsie, where have you been? You definitely need it in your life. Brilliant concept. Brilliant acting by Dustin Hoffman. A stellar cast of characters and fantastic actors playing the roles.

“Because I think I am an interesting woman when I look at myself on screen. And I know that if I met myself at a party, I would never talk to that character because she doesn’t fulfill physically the demands that we’re brought up to think women have to have in order to ask them out. — There’s too many interesting women I have…not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed.” – Dustin Hoffman [From an Interview Dustin did about Tootsie and why he felt he had to do the role of Dorothy Michaels and play a character in the soap opera Southwest General.

Tootsie (1982) Dustin Hoffman - Reveal Scene

What's Up Doc? Two researchers have come to San Francisco to compete for a research grant in Music. One seems a bit distracted, and that was before he meets her. A strange woman seems to have devoted her life to confusing and embarrassing him. At the same time a woman has her jewels stolen and a government whistle blower arrives with his stolen top secret papers. All, of course have the same style and color overnight bag. The accidental mix up of four identical plaid overnight bags leads to a series of increasingly wild and wacky situations and a chase through the streets of San Francisco. Starring Barbra Streisand, Ryan O'Neal, and Madeline Kahn, plus an amazing cast of very funny actors.

What's Up Doc? Part 1

What's Up Doc? Part 2

Foul Play. One of my favorite scenes from the movie Foul Play. It shows Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase racing to the Opera in order to foil a plot to assassinate the Pope. He is attending a performance of Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado. Inter-cut throughout are scenes at the Opera House with Dudley Moore conducting the orchestra. This is a combination Comedy, Mystery and Romantic Thriller. It was a huge hit in the Summer of 1978. Directed by Colin Higgins.

Foul Play (1978) "The Race To The Opera" [*uncut]

The following comes from Monty Python’s film Life With Brian. Sacrilegious for some, hysterical and rather delightfully pleasant for others. No intention of offending unless you are lacking any sense of humour and find nothing funny about anything at all. I might say, “Go suck an egg. They are quite good cooked, pealed and a bit of salt sprinkled on them.”

Monty Python — Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

If you are familiar with Mel Brooks, he has created some of the funniest films, one of which is The Producers. I laughed so hard after seeing the scene where Bloom flips out. Bloom is played by Gene Wilder and his soon to be cohort in crime is played by Zero Mostel. This scene never ceases to amaze me. Every time I watch it, I cannot help but to laugh.

The Producers — Bloom Flips Out

Mel Brooks tries every chance he gets to insult, put down, humiliate any notion of Hitler and the Nazis. In this video clip he gets the Fuehrer really good. If you think you cannot laugh at something hysterically funny about Hitler and totally destroying his Aryan imagery and fucked up cruelty and make him a laughing moron, then pass this video by, otherwise laugh your a** off. Keep in mind the premise of this film is to find the worst Broadway Show possible so the producers can oversell their production and collect millions when it flops. Well, see for yourself what happens. It truly will shock you into hysterical laughter.

Springtime For Hitler — The Producers

Now for something completely different.

Not from a film but just Madeline Kahn, on stage with backup orchestra, singing a surprisingly funny song. You’d be surprised how it will make you laugh. Couldn’t resist adding it.

Madeline Kahn — You’d Be Surprised

This video of the Lumberjack Song is one of the funniest skits Monty Python has ever put on their show. It is something you can listen to often and it still makes you laugh.

Lumberjack Song — Monty Python

Madeline Kahn does a Gracie Allen to George Burns’ as straight man. If you are a Burns & Allen fan you will love this routine. Guaranteed to laugh out loud.

Madelyn Kahn & George Burns

I hoped you found your laughter and some peace of mind, heart, body and soul. Jk the secret keeper

May All of Life & Nature Find Protection from the Tragedies of the World.
May All Living Beings Find Their Wishes Coming True & Peace Covering the Whole World Over.

Private Writings: Chapter #20 — No Sympathy For the Devil

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013
Private Writings: Chapter #20 — No Sympathy For the Devil
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Post Created 2nd August 2013
Introduction & Chapter #1 Published 19th March 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 6th August 2013
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Private Writings: Chapter #20 — No Sympathy For the Devil

“You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! I’m melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I’m going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!” — Wicked Witch of the West

I’m Melting! – The Wizard of Oz — Movie CLIP (1939) HD

Tuesday 5th February 2008

Annie,

I can’t believe what you announced at group today. It’s a shock beyond anything expected. What the hell happened? How could one of the members of group just die. No one has any answers. Dr. George was way too silent. His strange today was more than weird. It was eery. Remember what I told you about my last session with him. A week ago, he accused me of spreading a rumour. He told me it wasn’t true and accused me of making it up to get him in trouble. First, I never spread any rumour. Secondly, I had no idea what he was talking about. He kept saying it wasn’t true. What wasn’t true?

What I can remember is, he said, I told people, what people, he was having an affair with one of his clients. I’m not even going to theorize on this one. Now a client is dead. Someone I wasn’t really friends with either. In fact, she was a major character in the destruction of my relationship with Dr. George. He was always feeling a strong need to defend her against anything I had to say about her. I will be honest with you. She was a racist, homophobic, classist, poor excuse for a human being. I didn’t like her and she could have stabbed me to death and stepped over my body without any problem.

Now she is dead. What am I suppose to feel? Sorry, I didn’t kiss her ass. Sorry, she tore me apart any chance she had an opening in group. Let me be plain with you. She was jealous of me. I think she hated it, my being a lesbian. She hated I had a partner who loved me and cared about me. And I loved Scottie just as much. She had a husband who cheated on her or just was too damn lazy to show her any romance. He took her for granted. You heard her complaints about him. Maybe he just got tired of living with her and took the easiest and fastest way out. Murder.

I know I am sounding crass but no love or tears shall I shed for her. That may make me sound heartless but it is how I feel. It, also, doesn’t make me feel so fuzzy and warm knowing each one of us are going to have to talk to the police detectives. Not something I want to do in person. A good British detective mystery is my cup of tea but a brash and possible homicide in the old USA is not thrilling at all.

It doesn’t appear anyone knows what happened. I do feel sorry for her children. Don’t know them but they must be hurting. Trying to draw on some empathy and sympathy for her friends in the group. And Dr. George, I am beginning to get a bad feeling about him. He is going down. Meltdown, that is. Mentally, I think he has been losing it slowly for months now. This is just going to make him completely lose it. His pet is dead. What will he do now? I didn’t see him today in session. His receptionist called and cancelled our session but still kept my appointment set for next week.

Changing subject now. Angie’s death is creeping me out. Death is scary enough but having sat in the same room for many years doing therapy and a group member, like or not like, dies suddenly, no cause of death released as of yet, is just too much to take in. I need to fantasize.

How about just a touch on Brief Sacrifice? Where we left off in the screenplay, which is included in the film, Jame’s a Savannah cat belonging to Carter McLeod, author extraordinaire, has stumbled on the beginning of the solution to a riddle with a mystery attached. No one knew how to solve the code yet. Jasper, Jax and James, all three of Carter’s Savannah cats were honing in on breaking part of the solution. The first three letters of the code were S.I.T. It meant something. The initial stood for something which Carter felt would help unravel the rest of the codes letters and numbers.

“Time to get back to this.” Carter told her boys. “James, do you feel any vibes coming from the jumbled numbers or the other letters?”

James placed his right paw on what appeared to be a number this time. Carter took firm hold of his paw and lifted it. Underneath was the number 62. “What does number 62 mean? What does S.I.T. and 62 have in common?”

“James are you getting anything else? Maybe a word or name. Anything at all that makes sense.”

James reached out his right paw and places it over two different letters, the letter ‘R’ and the letter ‘M.’ When he seemed finished he crawled into his mum’s lap waiting for his reward. Carter ran her right hand from the top of James head and slowly slid her hand down the length of his body and at the end encircled his tail, finishing her petting by sliding her closed hand all the way up to the tip of his tail and then released. James purr was a contented and satisfying sound. He actually appeared to be smiling.

“Now, let us see what we have. The number 62. The letters S.I.T. and the letters R.M. What they mean, I have no idea. Maybe we should try to google them together online and see if the internet comes up with something.”

Carter opened up her laptop. Once loaded up, she opened her browser. Clicked Google on her Toolbar. The page was open to search. Carter typed in all the clues so far and waited while Google responded.

“Well, that can’t be right. Route 62 or Rotten Tomatoes review of I Heart Huckabees. That cannot possibly be right. Maybe if I enter each one separately. That’s how you gave them to us, James. Let’s give it another try.”

Once again Carter entered the first clue, but this time asked it a question about the letters. Are they initials for the title of a book or of a famous person? The S.I.T stands for the title of the book Somewhere In Time and the initials R.M. are the author’s name, Richard Matheson. A short synopsis, she reads aloud to her boys.

Somewhere in Time is the unforgettable story of a love that transcends the boundaries of time. Richard Collier, a man of the modern era, becomes obsessed with a woman of another time, a celebrated actress at the turn of the century. His fascination with Elise McKenna proves strong enough to physically transport him back to 1896, where he meets and woos the woman of his dreams. But for how long can their passion resist the relentless tide of history? Somewhere in Time inspired a 1980 film starring Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour that has become a genuine cult classic.”

“I know that movie. I love that movie. It is so romantic. I’ve seen it so many times. Why didn’t the letters click in my brain right away. James, I think you are onto something here. First thing, we need to do is get a copy of Somewhere In Time. I would wager the number 62 is a page number. Let me read a bit more.”

Carter looks down the page and finds some customer reviews of the book. She looks to see if maybe she might find something helpful. “Wow! What is this about. Here is a passage from the book I don’t remember them mentioning in the film.”

“Listen, guys, let me read this to you, ‘My name is Richard Collier. I’m thirty-six years old, a television writer by profession. I’m six foot two and weigh one hundred and eighty-seven pounds.’ I’ll move ahead to the ending line that makes me feel this is rather an important point. ‘I moved to Los Angeles in 1960. My brother moved to L.A. in 1965 and I moved into the guest house behind his house the same year. I left there this morning because I’m going to die in four to six months and thought I’d write a book about it while I traveled.’ The book is about time travel. The character telling the story is going to die. Need to think, but I don’t want to jump ahead until I find out what is written on page 62. If that is what 62 means.”

James starts to purr louder and rubbing his face on his mum’s hands. “Are you telling me James, I’m thinking in the right direction?” Purring and rubbing is getting more intense from James. Carter continues to read as she continues to pet James. Jasper and Jax decide they want in on some of the affection. They both join James in their mum’s lap, as much as they are able to fit into it and along side of it. As close as they all can get, they are singing their purrs in unison. They feel there mum’s happiness through their mum’ body.

“Here is something else, I’ll try to break it down for you three adorable cuties. According to this review by a reader of the book, which repeats some of what I read before. ‘Richard Collier is a 36-year old writer with a terminal brain tumor who falls in love with the beautiful actress, Elise McKenna. But there’s one big problem. She’s dead. She lived many years ago in another time. But that doesn’t stop Richard who figures out a way to travel back in time and win her heart.’ Travel back in time seems the relevant statement. Somewhere in Time is about time travel and romance. He discovers a photograph in a visitors room in the hotel of the actress Elise McKenna and becomes obsessed with her.”

Carter hugs each of her boys with a great big snuggle. She is smiling as her mind is traveling in all directions at once. The mystery, what if it has something to do with time travel. Is that too far fetched? “Guys, I think that is enough for today. How about some dinner? I will try to find us a copy of the book Somewhere In Time. Until we get that we can still work on the rest of the letters and numbers in the code. But I think we are way ahead on figuring this out. At least, I think and hope we are. It’s possible we are being misled. We will see. I’m not sure what it means, any of this, but sure is damned exciting. Time travel. WOW!”

Well, what a day for writing. A death, which is shocking, even if no love is lost, a life is over. In itself that is enough. But I must say my way of escaping the tragic is to write and create. Having Carter McLeod figure out a possible direction the film ‘Brief Sacrifice’ might be heading, that is satisfying and important to me. Of course, I knew it before telling you but it is fun giving you sneak peaks is fun. It, also, takes my mind off of what really happened to that person in our therapy group. It is really creepy. Not something I want to think about while Scottie is away.

I did talk to her, Scottie, that is. She is going to be home in three days. Finishing up re-filming a scene that didn’t come out right in any of the takes. So, Scottie has been spending time with an actor, female, brings out my jealousy. Scottie’s not about to get involved, but if you knew this woman, you would understand my concern. She’s shattered many relationships that appeared solid on the outside. This bitch doesn’t care whose life she wrecks. Mine, I don’t want her near.

Enough for now. I hope we will be able to schedule our first private session together really soon. It feels like I am going to need you. He missed our session this week. Next week, I intend to have it out with Dr. George. I am going to confront him. Hold nothing back. I promise you. He will receive my wrath for all his indiscretions and fucking with my head. Trying to make me feel insane, delusional, unable to see or understand what I am feeling. He is going down. I will need you to put me back together again after I fall off the wall down into my darkest hole. My prediction is I am heading down. Mania high is coming to a close with depression rising. A funny irony considering all the circumstances surrounding me.

We need to talk. Soon. Until next time.

Fondly & Needing You,
Madison

Sets & Animals for Film: Brief Sacrifice with Lead Character CARTER MCLEOD. [Portrayed by BAFTA Nominated Actor NATALIE STEPHENS] Savannah Cats are Carter’s. Screenplay: MADISON TAYLOR. Director: SCOTTIE ANDREWS

brief sacrifice library living room fireplace  970x546

film ‘Brief Sacrifice’ library living room fireplace in mansion where Carter McLeod lives with her three Savannah cats, Jasper, Jax and James.

James-a neutered male Savannah Cat lounging on sofa  645x499

film ‘Brief Sacrifice’ James is one of three neutered male Savannah Cats, Carter McLeod has as her companions. He is enjoying a good lounge on his favorite sofa.

Soon Annie will get to read Madison’s Letters. Some at a time. All will be revealed in time.

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

rain in garden gif

Morning Disappears
Written by Madison Taylor
February 10th 2008

Venture in the story
Continuing on without breakage
Could the story continue on
No broken chain
No link to spare
To continue from here
Until despair wears down into nothing
Expanding energy
Nothing is there
Left to grasp

Blend together
Join the lines
Belong together
Flowing wave’s crashing
Shore pulling back again
Once more in repetition
An answer to the moon’s direction
The sea governed by the moon cycles
Stars are all one
All is one with them

Now answer
Consciousness’ stream
Finding the door freeing the words
Letting go
Follow a path long ago set
Not made but entered
Trusting it is a way
To be for now
To hunt the seas of old
Begin today
Starting again
Try not to break the bond
It connects
The next strand

With no holes to stop the flow
No one falling between the cracks
The earth opens up her crust
Sucks us all inside
Boils the remains
There will be hell

Now longing for the sea
Under the waves
Covering over us
Not swimming to survive another breath
Stars photograph their memories
Imagery from shining creatures
From the darkest of deeps
No eyes have seen

Humans contain in their visions
Salty kisses on eyelashes
Wiping away the blurriness of tears
Convey feelings following close
Songs lamenting
Repeating the vanishing
Disappearing tricks of death

Beating heads
Bashing the brains inside
With senses to understand
There is no understanding
Just an illusion guided
By a magician with mirrors
Reflecting nothing seen or lost
Not revealed

Without meaning
Truly nothing exists
Beyond a pin prick in the flesh
Pulled from off our bones
When they melt into the soil
Water washes away the nutrients
Back to the sea
Where it is spoiled
By greed of oil breakers
They heat our flesh
To burn in hell
Just to stay warm
One long moment

Perishing into dust
Winds carry away
To farthest reaches
The unknown universe
Time repeats
Continues on with ideas
Crying salty tears
Proving feelings
Are happening

Experience life
Time to borrow
Quickly it’s taken away
Shortness vanishes
Leaving behind
Urges to scream

Lands far away
Recognize they are not alone
Echo returns
Neither are we
We must hurry
Nothing lasts long enough
Recording its real existence
It is stolen away again
Again and again

The teacher stops
Repeating souls in mannequin form
Until the end of repeats
It is overdone
Finished
We are no more
Does anyone want the choice
Completely coming to a close
Never to be again
Thoughts of feeling
No more pain
The choice is life
To feel
Or death
To be numb
Forever more
Life would be
The choice

© madison taylor 2008

awe-some green 1Awesome Waves — Jk McCormack (c) jKm 2013

The Rolling Stones – Sympathy For The Devil (Live) – OFFICIAL

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

english garden off the back marble patio  972x732

English garden off the back marble patio

Patrick when he was five weeks. He is a Bengal kitten. Madison gave to Scottie as a present for her Birthday. As he grows he becomes devoted to her.

Patrick when he was five weeks. He is a Bengal kitten. Madison gave to Scottie as a present for her Birthday. As he grows he becomes devoted to her.

Patrick at 3 mos is a curious fellow, always checking the unusual out 1093x479

Patrick at 3 mos is a curious fellow, always checking the unusual out

Patrick is our Bengal cat in tree. He loves Scotties. They are buddies.   1612x1212

Patrick is our Bengal cat in tree. It is protected area. Patrick cannot leave property from there. He loves Scottie. They are buddies.

Awesome lighted treehouse on the estate of chateau de rocher  642x432

Awesome lighted tree-house on the estate of Chateau de Rocher. A place of escape for Madison. She liked to run away when she was a kid. Climbing trees were her favorite places to hide. Scottie had this built for Madison as their 10th Anniversary present.

play is not just play meryl streep

Private Writings: Chapter #19 — Something Wicked That Way Goes

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013
Private Writings: Chapter #19 — Something Wicked That Way Goes
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
First Chapter Published 19th March 2013
Published Tuesday AM
Posted Tuesday 30th July 2013
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT. NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Private Writings: Chapter #19 — Something Wicked That Way Goes

“You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! I’m melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I’m going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!” — Wicked Witch of the West

I’m Melting! – The Wizard of Oz — Movie CLIP (1939) HD

Tuesday 5th February 2008

Annie,

How can you tell if you have a grip on reality if you aren’t exactly sure what reality really is? I have never been certain about the answer to the question, ‘What is reality?’ It has puzzled me for most of my life. Include with that question, ‘What is sanity?’ These seem to me to be valuable questions to have the answers to, otherwise, how is anyone to tell whether there world is real and sane. If I judge mine to be real and sane, what if I am wrong. All along I have believed something which may not be true.

Truth is another element needing definition. Is it an absolute? No one has the power to change what it is. It just is. Can there be smaller truths one can claim as being true? Simple perceptions of reality, like a bird can fly, or at least most birds can fly.

I am in a strange mind. Depression has been pressing on me in the late of night. Getting a handle on it seems practically impossible. Scottie has been away doing finishing touches on our film Brief Sacrifice. It is somewhat lonely at the Chateau. Sure Toker and Mikey snuggle with me in my study when I am writing. Patrick is usually wandering around looking for Scottie when she is away. He doesn’t like her being missing either. He misses his snuggles with her and most of all sleeping on her head while I rest my head on her shoulder, as close as possible the three of us together.

Something needs to keep me occupied, to pull my feelings away from feeling depressed. I do some of my digital art on the computer or write a poem, if my muse has something she wants me to express. I try anything not to feel depressed or missing Scottie. I go with her sometimes but I really don’t like to travel. I’m so claustrophobic and hate flying commercial jets. Now if I were the pilot, I could handle that. But I stopped flying years ago. Right after college, when I had a near head on collision while landing my plane. Some asshole, unauthorized to land, came in from the wrong direction, tried landing on my runway, heading directly at me. Thinking fast I increased my power, pulled up the yoke and flew my ass right over the bastard. Wheels almost grazed the top of his tail wing.

Shaking to death by the time I finally landed and taxied to park. Rushed out the exit door. Never set foot in a plane again, too many near death experiences do that to you. I am land bound completely now. I get sea-sick, so no boats. Only cars and trains now. Had great adventures in the sky but now too many crazy people up there and on the ground with no idea or attention span to be operating any moveable object.

I have some more for you on the film I wrote, Brief Sacrifice, but I wanted to tell you something really disturbing about Dr. George first. In our last private session he accused me of spreading rumours about him having an affair with one of his clients. He didn’t tell me which one. Figured I would know. None of which is true. Why would I accuse Dr. George having sex with a client? He is straight. I don’t know any woman who would want to have sex with him. The thought is gross. It just seems a way for him to talk about sex. He’s always so graphic.

I denied it. Told him if he mentions it again, I would go to the director of the clinic, and report him for sexual harassment. That him shut up. Then he pouted. Barely said another word during our remaining half hour. I’m disturbed about my sense of reality and sanity, what does he talk about, his insane hallucinations. Rumours of people trying to destroy him. Thinking I’m the one responsible. Sounds more mad than I am.

By the way, I hated group today until you took over. He was flipping out there, too. What is with him? He’s always been strange, self-obsessed and sexually obscene, but not this strange. His words don’t seem to make any sense, to me, he sounding pretty crazy.

Your sensitivity taking over went perfectly. He didn’t even noticed. You salvaged group. Thank you for slowing the fall down the rabbit hole. It’s going to Tumble faster than a boulder rock soon. No one will be able to save it. Group is on a slow burn to extinction.

I say forget about him, group therapy and being mentally fucked up. I want to tell you what comes up next in Brief Sacrifice. Last time we were about to have the unveiling underneath the fake covering on the side of the leather briefcase. James found the spot with his pawn. Due to his persistent Carter, his mum, looked underneath his paw. Jasper and Jax wanted in on the fun, so as Carter tried to remove the layer of fine leather, the two boys started clawing at it with extreme vigor until they loosened it enough for Carter to completely remove it. The boys, her Savannah cats, made it simple for her.

All eyes were on the spot where the patch was removed. Carter stared at it. It was the markings of letters and numbers, not in any sensible order. Some kind of mystery code, left covered, which meant Carter thought, no one wanted it to be found. But who? What did the letters and numbers mean? How would they understand or even begin to understand what they had found?

“Okay, boys, what do we do next?”

She found a small notebook, where she jotted down her subconscious ramblings as they surfaced, grabbed a pen, a writer always has both near by. She flipped open the notebook to a blank page. For a moment, she thought, ‘How should I record the letters and numbers. They weren’t in columns or rows exactly. To be perfectly honest, they were all rather jumbled up in no particular order at all.’ This thought was frustrating her.

James reached out his right paw, placed it on the letter ‘S’, pulled back his paw so Carter could see where he had just pointed.

“‘S’! James, why an ‘S’?”

He stared at the briefcase, as if he knew something. He was a rather psychic cat. Carter wrote down the ’S’ at the top of the blank page. “What next?”

James put his paw on the letter ‘I’ and once again pulled it away.

“Okay, James, what is it you see that I am not? What is the significance of an ‘S’ and an ‘I’”?

She stared at the letters and numbers for quite some time as her boys watched. They were spellbound, all of them. Carter could see nothing yet, that made any sense. But she knew James was seeing something.

“Too bad you can’t speak, James. You’d have this figured out and we could all relax and discover what the mystery is right away.” Carter thought to herself, ‘It really isn’t going to be that simple.’ They would just have to wait until James put his paw on the next letter or maybe it would be a number next.

In a quick gesture, James placed his right paw on another figure. When he took it away, Carter could see the it was the letter ‘T’ and she shouted out loud. “You have something there James. It spells out S.I.T. Amazing. What does ‘sit’ mean?” Carter looked at her boys, her lips pursed and brow raised. Gently, she placed the notebook on the coffee table next to the briefcase, leaned back on the couch to let her boys climb into her lap. They all sensed their mum was finished with the adventure for the evening, so they snuggled in relaxing into a good snog with mum.

That’s it for today, Annie. It does move faster eventually. First the letters and numbers have to be figured out. Do they follow a certain ordered sequence? Are the numbers on their own or do the letters and numbers somehow connect to the other? Randomly or specifically? You will find out in due time.

Listen, therapy is turning into the Madness of King George. You have your degrees. Your letter from the Board of the APA. Your license is legal. So what are you waiting for? Please HELP ME. I need you to help me stay sane, if I haven’t lost it already. I am pleading with you. Take me in. I am at your mercy.

Next time I want some good news. So until then.

Fondly.
Madison
@>-;—

Sets & Animals for Film: Brief Sacrifice with Lead Character CARTER MCLEOD. [Portrayed by BAFTA Nominated Actor NATALIE STEPHENS] Savannah Cats are Carter’s. Screenplay: MADISON TAYLOR. Director: SCOTTIE ANDREWS

brief sacrifice library living room fireplace  970x546

film ‘Brief Sacrifice’ library living room fireplace in mansion where Carter McLeod lives with her three Savannah cats, Jasper, Jax and James.

James-a neutered male Savannah Cat lounging on sofa  645x499

film ‘Brief Sacrifice’ James is one of three neutered male Savannah Cats, Carter McLeod has as her companions. He is enjoying a good lounge on his favorite sofa.

Fear of the Darkness — Iron Maiden

laughter rose buds 2 yellow for siolfer-rose and nana niamh

Soon Annie will get to read Madison’s Letters. Some at a time. All will be revealed in time.

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

rain in garden gif

I Die For The Last Time
Written by Madison Taylor
February 3rd 2008

Will I die before you
Rather feel my death around me
Let you act as though
You won’t miss me
If I should be the one to go
The madness in my head
Makes those retreat
Yet empathy is what is shown as caring
Now just retreat
As if touched by poison

Gone is the spirit that fights
Staying alive doesn’t have any attraction
Nothing is worth the effort
Stopping now would reduce the struggle
Escaping into the unknown
Even if it is empty
Is less painful
Than feeling an absence
Which once felt filled by love

All have left
The party has moved
Hell is ready to enter
Punishment enough for suicide
After I satisfy the terms
Of the fiery incarceration
Being a victim
Climbing out won’t be impossible
Returning inside a new identity
Never to have to know the world again

Just a ghost of slim memories
Might cross the mind with blurred recall
Thinking the images from a bad dream
Occurred from a childhood
Now is back to haunt
All surroundings filled with pain
Hatred of the innocence
Couldn’t find their own
So they stole from children
Never to be in sight again
Going away forever
Never to live a moment of peace again

Escaping through death is the only way
To discover the path to spiritual destiny
Some were not meant to be
Running away
Carried by the swiftness of the wind
Away
Escaping the pain
Living without blessings
Celebrate
Gone
All is gone
No more sound
Or sight
Reading words again
Good bye friendless face
Goodbye
It is come
To the end

© madison taylor 2008

Escape Into the Unknown — Remember When It Rained? — Created by Jennifer Kiley

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

english garden off the back marble patio  972x732

English garden off the back marble patio

Patrick when he was five weeks. He is a Bengal kitten. Madison gave to Scottie as a present for her Birthday. As he grows he becomes devoted to her.

Patrick when he was five weeks. He is a Bengal kitten. Madison gave to Scottie as a present for her Birthday. As he grows he becomes devoted to her.

Patrick at 3 mos is a curious fellow, always checking the unusual out 1093x479

Patrick at 3 mos is a curious fellow, always checking the unusual out

Patrick our Bengal cat his favorite piece of scratching wood  1292x780

Patrick our Bengal cat his favorite piece of scratching wood

Patrick is our Bengal cat in tree. He loves Scotties. They are buddies.   1612x1212

Patrick is our Bengal cat in tree. It is protected area. Patrick cannot leave property from there. He loves Scottie. They are buddies.

Awesome lighted treehouse on the estate of chateau de rocher  642x432

Awesome lighted tree-house on the estate of Chateau de Rocher. A place of escape for Madison. She liked to run away when she was a kid. Climbing trees were her favorite places to hide. Scottie had this built for Madison as their 10th Anniversary present.

play is not just play meryl streep

Sometimes You Just Feel Invisible

a divider for post no. 5 love fav new one thinner

Sometimes You Just Feel Invisible
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrations of Family Companion Animals
Photographs by Shawn MacKenzie
Post Created Wednesday 17th July 2013
Posted On Saturday 20th July 2013
X-Treme Haiku Saturday

Schroeder-the Jekyll & Hyde of Cats-kisses & snuggles switching instantaneously to bites & growls. And then there's Saki-our Amazon Parrot-my protector-she bites me when she thinks I am in danger. OUCH!!! One of her satisfactions is when she imitates Snoopy on his Sopwith Camel dive-bombing The Red Baron-in this instance replace TRB with Shawn-cannot get near me when Saki is sitting on my shoulder or near me in anyway. A true love/hate relationship with Shawn who gives her peanut treats whenever Saki asks. Now look at the love between S & S. It is a labour of love. In this photograph, Saki has only just started to fly over to us. Her life before us was trauma filled & neglect. Loved Shawn first but switched over to me. Now we are symbiotic & copacetic & share everything-Food & Love & Snuggles & I get a Heroic Protector who sleeps/sits on me when I write or doing anything at all. A Love Note for My Two Favorite Cuddlers.  1280x960

Schroeder-the Jekyll & Hyde of Cats-kisses & snuggles switching instantaneously to bites & growls. And then there’s Saki-our Amazon Parrot-my protector-she bites me when she thinks I am in danger. OUCH!!! One of her satisfactions is when she imitates Snoopy on his Sopwith Camel dive-bombing The Red Baron-in this instance replace TRB with Shawn-cannot get near me when Saki is sitting on my shoulder or near me in anyway. A true love/hate relationship with Shawn-who gives her peanut treats whenever Saki asks. Now look at the love between S & S. It is a labour of love. In this photograph-Saki has only just started to fly over to us. Her life before us was trauma filled & neglect. Loved Shawn first but switched over to me. Now we are symbiotic & copacetic. We share everything-Food-Love & Snuggles. I get an Heroic Protector who sleeps/eats/sits/snuggles/dances on me when I write or do anything. A Love Note for My Two Favorite Cuddlers. Kisses-Jk [One of Their Two Mums] ps. I am not Invisible to them. They need me as I need them & want me in their lives.

Sometimes You Just Feel Invisible
By Jennifer Kiley
17th July 2013

Sometimes you just feel
Invisible no sight no
Depth of shape no dimensions

Vision forward moves
Past forgotten locked in lost
Memories committed done

Frozen locked in time
Tripping tricking psyche deep
Confusion delusions thoughts

Trapping murderers
Vanquish shadows’ reflection
Innocence stolen destroyed

Perversion alive
Evil plans continue then
New images prevailing

Subconscious nightmares
Dreams retold when awakened
Bulldozers crashing breaking

Home protects safe place
Breathe panic out with symptoms
Expand light growing healing

© Jk 2013

Lakme-Delibes: Flower Duet — Joan Sutherland
Combining Art With Love
— Music Video — All Digital Art Created by Jennifer Kiley

a divider for post no. 5 love fav new one thinner

Soul’s Comedy

a divider for post no. 5 love fav new one

Soul’s Comedy
X-treme Haiku by Jennifer Kiley
Created Friday 5th July 2013
Abstract Digital Art by j. kiley
Posted Saturday 6th July 2013

soul's comedy by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013   716x543

soul’s comedy by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Rising Spirit
X-treme Haiku
By Jennifer Kiley
Friday 5th July 2013

Awakening words
Slow motion quick reaction
Waiting needs reassurance

Darkness echoes screams
Wails release in death’s lament
Hands pressing skull screaming ends

Time slips laughter starts
Responding smile vanishes
Forming balance bends sideways

Claw upward to view
Crash downward head cracks open
Bleeding wounded covers scars

Fucking words talking
Anger buried real nightmares
Shameful needs must want loving

Broken hearts longing
Vulnerability true
Joyful river flowing through

Awaken faith new
Heart touches soul love enters
Sweet song of rising spirit

© jennifer kiley 2013

Camille Saint-Saëns – Danse Macabre

QUOTATIONS from THE DIVINE COMEDY

“In that book which is my memory,
On the first page of the chapter
that is the day when I first met you,
Appear the words, ‘Here begins a new life’.”
― Dante Alighieri, Vita Nuova

“The mind which is created quick to love,
is responsive to everything that is pleasing,
soon as by pleasure it is awakened into activity.
Your apprehensive faculty draws an impression from a real object,
and unfolds it within you, so that it makes the mind turn thereto.
And if, being turned, it inclines towards it, that inclination is love;
that is nature, which through pleasure is bound anew within you.”
― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

“The more a thing is perfect,
the more if feels pleasure and pain.”
― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

“I found myself within a forest dark,
for the straightforward pathway had been lost.
Ah me! How hard a thing is to say,
what was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
which in the very thought renews the fear.
So bitter is it, death is little more…”
― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

“There is no greater sorrow
than to recall happiness in times of misery.”
― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

“When any of our faculties retains a strong impression of delight or pain,
the soul will wholly concentrate on that, neglecting any other power it has;
and thus, when something seen or heard secures the soul in stringent grip,
time moves and yet we do not notice it.” ― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

“Those ancients who in poetry presented the golden age,
who sang its happy state, perhaps, in their Parnassus,
dreamt this place. Here, mankind’s root was innocent;
and here were every fruit and never-ending spring;
these streams–the nectar of which poets sing.”
― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

a divider for post no. 5 love fav new one

The Power of Vulnerability

tell me a story
The Power of Vulnerability
TED Talk:
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Created 3rd July 2013
Posted Thursday 4th July 2013
TELL ME A STORY

Celebration Follows Video!!!

THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY is Quite Good. Listen Carefully. Take It To Heart.

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability
June 2010 — She is a real storyteller. Fascinating to listen to. Tells a good story.

Now for Independence Day in the US
Fireworks
Noise to Scare Animals
Always Fireworks To Scare The Animals Without Fail

Veggie Burger w/ Vegetables on It For Me. More Vegetables in the Form of Fries & Potato Salad on the Side. I don’t think we exactly thought that one through all the way. Fries & P.S. Hmmm? Coke. No Not That Kind. Which Kind Did You Think I Meant When I Said Not That Kind? Just Curious. The Kind I Am Talking About Gives Me A Buzz. What Kind Were You Thinking? Mine Is Not White. It’s Brown. Dark Brown.

Now Shawn Hadn’t As of Now Decided What She Wants. Probably A Salad with Vegetables. Maybe Beer. I’ll Tell Her She Should Treat Herself. Maybe There Will Be Some Guacamole. Saki, Our Parrot Not Allowed. Poisonous.

Me, If I Need It — Two Shots of Jose Cuervo with Salt & Lime Slices. My Therapist Gave Me A Verbal Prescription. Tequila Is As Close To Drugs Without Taking Drugs. That Statement Is Deja Vu. I Said That A Long Time Ago. It Just Re-echoed In the Now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRANZ KAFKA ON JULY 3RD. HE WOULD BE 130 YEARS TODAY. YESTERDAY ON THE FOURTH!!!!!!!

How About Some Fireworks???

London Fireworks 2012 in full HD – New Year Live – BBC One
SEEMS ONLY APPROPRIATE OUR FIREWORKS TAKE PLACE IN LONDON ENGLAND FOR INDEPENDENCE DAY IN US 4TH OF JULY 2013

Bonnie Tyler — I Need A Hero

GREAT SCENE: V for Vendetta (finale)

Making Love Out of Nothing At All — Bonnie Tyler
MADE THIS MYSELF…by Jennifer

And Now For A Lesson
In The Power of Vulnerability.
It Is Not A Fault
To Be Vulnerable.
Opening One To Feelings
And Love
Friendship
And Intimacy
GOODNESS
GET RID OF THE BAD

Being Rejected Can Hurt
When You Allow Yourself
To Be Vulnerable
And The Other Person
Turns Away Or Runs Away.
One Takes Chances
And Surrenders

A Bipolar Moment
When A Dark Stormy Night
Can Be Just That
And Fear Fills Your Being
All Seems To Have Disappeared
It Is The Night After All
The Universe Is Empty

English novelist Iris Murdoch said,
“Love is the very difficult understanding
that something other than yourself is real.”

“I use to feel completely alone
At night in the Great Massive Universe.
Feeling alone in the Universe
Is very scary
And can be quite terrifying.
Only through the continuous reassurances
From those who loved me
And I loved in return
Did I start accepting
The realization that when I was alone
There were still other persons
In the Universe
And they loved me.”
Jennifer Kiley
— Letters of Import:
Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

Well Last Night
Was One Of Those Nights
I Felt Completely Alone
And I Didn’t Feel
Like Anyone Was Out There.
I Felt This Way Instead
In The Following Words
Maybe It Is A Poem
Or Just Words Reaching Out
On A Dark Stormy Night
While Having A Bipolar
NIGHTMARE OF HUGE PROPORTIONS.

It Is A Dark Night.
The Knife Is In My Chest.
My Heart Is Bleeding
And The Wound Won’t Heal.
My Life Is In Your Hands.
Don’t Let Me Slip Away
Into Oblivion.
One Can’t Return
From There.
It Is A One Way Trip.
Small Comfort
For Those
Who Are
Afraid
To Travel.

WAS IT REALLY
TOO MUCH TEQUILA!!!
OR A BIPOLAR BUMMER
TRIPPIN AND RIPPIN
THROUGH???

I DON’T FEEL
THAT WAY NOW
SO LETS SMILE
AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER!!!

TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!
JUST TRY NOT TO SCARE ANY ANIMALS
KEEP THE ANIMALS SAFE!!!

Healing Thoughts for the People of the World

Private Writings: Chapter #16 — Aggravating Behavior

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013
Private Writings: Chapter #16 — Aggravating Behavior
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
First Published March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 2nd July 2013
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Private Writings: Chapter #16 — Aggravating Behavior

Tuesday January 15th, 2008

Dear Annie,

I think Annie, I know why I wrote such an emotionally intense letter last week. It is Amelie. Her joining the therapy group last week really disarmed me. There was no notice or warning of a new member starting the first of the year. Our glorious leader, Dr. George, yes, I am using his given name, fuck Mr. Xxx, he deserves to be identified. He failed to ask whether we wanted someone new.

Seems the Doctor wants full control or he would have mentioned her and not made the decision on his own. This group has full rights to decide if someone joins at any time. Writing this is not to complain about Amelie. She mesmerizes me. It is Dr. George’s lack of inquiry with us. To late, it’s done. Not appropriately, but déjà fait. He bloody displeases me, not Alison.

Amelie triggers memories of Tosh. Their resemblance is beyond uncanny. And her boldness is refreshing. No hesitation to proclaim herself a lesbian. But I saw her depth of attraction and knew. Sensed it in her gaze when her eyes caught mine, in a timeless moment. Her eyes were steady. All I knew was the feeling from Amelie felt as though Tosh’s eyes were loving me. The time portal opened to the past.

Who is Amelie? Where did she come from? And why now? The pressure is building up inside of me. Not sure I’m handling it well. I feel like my world is about to explode. Flashing on Tosh’s murder. Getting attached to you. Not knowing if I will lose you if this all crash and burns. Now Amelie, a ghost, a practical joke, Dr. George, the bastard, is fucking with me. He knows what Tosh looks like, and magically Amelie springs up.

I’m sure you’ve notices the group is in disaster mode. Dying and almost dead as Jacob Marley’s Ghost. It’s in a retrograde of self-destruction. Hold it together, Annie, please, just long enough, or it will disintegrate by the hand of Machiavelli, himself, Dr. George. Maybe it should self-destruct. Solves one major problem. Poof! Dr. George disappears. So does everyone else in this miserable group. Exceptions are Amelie and Kristina. Soon, I will tell you about Kristina. Right now, I’m just waiting for Mount Vesuvius to erupt. That would be Brad, my totally rad alter. He’s not afraid of anyone. Plus he promised me Dr. George is going down. Soon. The time is near.

He sucks as a analyst. He’s not deserving of the honour of calling him a psychoanalyst or doctor. What a joke. He’s so out of touch, I don’t think he knows he’s treating clients. But, it’s his job to listen. Instead, he monopolizes a session by telling his own stories. It’s negligence and even worse, his stories are sexually perverse, going into detail about gay male sex. Please do not misunderstand, I am not homophobic. That’s not it, it’s that he tells these stories to me, when we are alone. I am a lesbian client, I emphasize, and an abuse survivor . His other clients, some share similar backgrounds. I, certainly, have no desire to hear about balls, or a man’s prick. Who the fuck wants to hear that kind of bull shit.

His sense of protocol is fucking aggravating. It’s inappropriate. Clearly sexual harassment, he thrusts upon female sexual abuse survivors. Having my analyst compound his ignorance with the subject at all is disgusting and depraved. The only appropriate time would be if I were talking about an abuser raping me. Enough with the perverse humour. Dr. George’s list of disgusting behavior grows longer, probably unlike his dick. It’s not my thing. Being raped by pricks do not make lesbians appreciate the existence of dicks, nor do they fantasize hearing about them or seeing them. Does he forget or not understand that element of our experiences?

I just need to end my therapy with him completely. His relationship with me is a travesty. He’s outrageous, obnoxious and destructive in our private sessions. Plainly, he is just a disappointment. He doesn’t even pretend any longer not to support me. He sides with his pets in the group, particularly Angie, who gets on my last nerve. I dread seeing them both. And God forbid I should question her intentions or prejudices or anyone elses.

In a private session, only recently, when I accused Angie, his precious fucking pet snake of being a homophobe and racist, he came down on me, accusing me of being cruel and unfeeling. His evil seethed through his teeth as he tried destroying me with his words. Turning me in on myself, made me out to be the insensitive one. Every fiber and muscle in my body struggled with my mind, trying to walk out in the middle of his vicious outbreak of rage, but instead stillness set in. His verbal abuse caused such extreme fright, I became catatonic.

That was the final time I ever intend to allow him to rape my mind again. Next time, instead of facing me down, he will meet Brad, in his fully engaged rage. Dr. George will finally be laid out. Don’t worry, no one is going to do violence. But I would definitely make a grand exit, quite Gloria Swanson, but with a male flair and the burst of a fiery rage. And it truly would be the last one. You will know it and you will hear it, when it is over.

A word of encouragement from you, Annie, would help push me over that line to find my courage. His condescension in our private sessions should be enough. But I am too insecure to terminate without feeling support to catch me. An abusive relationship has gradually been created with him and I did not stop it when I realized what was happening. I let it take over my world. He makes me feel like the abusers did. I float on the ceiling to escape him and become powerless.

It always bothered me that he reminded me of an abuser. He used transference in place of accepting his role in creating my feelings of insecurity and making me feel I wasn’t seeing what I felt as being accurate. He was being abusive, constantly undermining my sense of identity and confidence. My belief in trusting my own feelings. My writing came to almost a stand still after starting to see him. My soul felt strangled. My muse abandoned me for an indefinite length of time. I fell into the deepest depression. Started having increasingly stronger panic and anxiety attacks and the depression led to feeling suicidal most of the time. How many times I felt so close to the edge, were far too many.

Just the thought that the next day I would have to see him freaked me out. I would start to shake and found it hard to breathe. He would rationalize it by saying I was afraid of therapy and what disturbing memories might come up. Bull shit. He is such a fuck head and liar. He wanted to have power over me. Sound familiar, it is exactly what abusers do to the children they abuse. Win their confidence and then slowly undermine their sense of self as an independent person, until the abuser can do anything they want with their prize possessions. Does he get his kicks having power over his clients, controlling them and how they feel inside. Making them want to kill themselves. Life and death. What an ultimate power trip.

Somehow, Scottie broke through the barrier.It was built up high and strong to protect myself. She fought with me to see reality. That I was having delusional thinking. For years she has driven me insane with her persistent urges to get me to stop seeing him. Deep inside I knew she was trying to protect me, but I was too frightened to walk away. I felt too crazy and feared leaving him would cause me to completely lose my mind. Talk about control or confusion. What was I letting him do to me? What was I doing to myself staying with him? Fear is my only excuse or reason. Terror. I was too terrified to live or to leave. Life was too frightening. I trembled at the thought of being part of the world. Going out. Being around people. Pure panic.

Now I want to make him disappear and group to end. Working with you, Annie, would be a great alternative. There is only one thing that would be fucked up if this all collapsed, which it will. Amelie, if it all ends, she would be gone. How will I be able to get to know her. There has got to be a way to make some kind of personal connection before it happens. Everything will crumble when I confront him. Not sure exactly when and how I’m going to do it. But it will happen and I’ve got to be lethal.

I don’t want Amelie to go away. It may seem odd. I met her last week, I’ve seen her twice. Yet, there is an intense need to know her. Jennie Fields, a character I love from the John Irving book, The World According to Garp, says this two word phrase. It cracks me up. She would look someone straight in the eyes and seriously state, “It’s lust.” As simple as that. “It’s lust.” I am in lust with Amelie. It’s a really strong attraction. Not something I have any way of explaining but say I am attracted to her.

Well, fuck it if I am. Amelie rocks my world at this very moment. Nothing wrong with those feelings. But, seriously, it feels more meaningful than an orgasmic connection. She reminds me of Tosh. I can’t let that go. There is something between us. I’m not letting her walk into my life so fucking briefly and not have a say as she walks back out again.

Don’t you think she’s awesome. She has me awestruck. I am numb in the brain. My feelings are all muttled around her. I can’t think or speak in a complete sentence without tangling up the words. You noticed that, I’m sure. It’s embarrassing, especially in front of that group from the vicious circle.

We need to figure this all out. I need your help, Annie. Please, let me assure you, do not worry about Scottie. She understands my bipolar. I have attractions but I can’t do anything about them. In due time, I will explain what Scottie fully knows about me. I don’t share with many this secret. That’s why Scottie trusts me.

Before I end my letter, I want to remind you of the secret from a few letters ago. Lets end this letter on a mysterious but still high note. It involves Scottie’s new film. Mine, too. Still working on finalizing the title. I don’t know what the problem is with making a decision. I liked my choice but can’t tell you yet. Maybe next time I’ll have a go.

But that’s not what I want to tell you. I, actually, want to tell you a bit more about the film. I’d like to sound it out on you further. See if it sounds like a good script. Would love the feedback. How about if I write a touch about it each week. A sneak preview when I remember. That would benefit me too. I would hear what it is that I have created. Bounce it off of you. Maybe I will feel more confident about my work.

In review, I remember telling you the lead character is a novelist, the character’s name, I will tell in a future letter. She is quite the brilliant writer. What else did I tell you. I lost it. Sorry. That’s all I remember from the other letter. Have a terrible memory, even for what I write.

Well, let me continue. She is a literary novelist, mixed with a touch of the psychological element and a dabble of mystery. Her problem is she can’t find a publisher. Just finds rejection notices in her mailbox but doesn’t give up. She keeps sending out her novels. She’s accumulated several manuscripts already. If it weren’t for the Estate her Grandmother left her after she died, our author wouldn’t be able to afford the luxury of being a full time writer. The wonderful home she lives in, with her three babies, was her grandmother’s home. You’ll meet the babies later. She spent many weeks there, every summer, when growing up. It was her favorite place on the planet.

One weekend, she goes to an Estate Sale. While rummaging around, she finds a briefcase. It’s an old leather one with a broken lock, jammed shut, with no way to look inside. She made the decision, it looked mysterious. Her thought was, it would be a great place to store her latest manuscript. She purchased it, not even sure she will ever be able to open it, ever. But she thought, if she was unsuccessful, it would make a great decoration, plus an uncanny inspiration for her writing room. It would add to the old English decor. But, she was certain, being quite a stubborn woman herself, she wouldn’t give up without a real attempt to break it open. It wasn’t her intention to give up trying that easily.

After returning home from a long drive, once in the house, she placed her new find on the dining room table while she went to feed the cats. The three, of them, practically knocked her down, when she came in the front door. Once Jasper, Jax and James were fed, the three young neutered male Savannah cats, spotted like leopards, enormous in size, all settled down in the family room. Snuggling, each in their special place, taking up most of the stuffed, soft, velvet sofa. They waiting for their Mum, while she fixed herself a quick bite to eat, for her own early dinner.

She was hurrying. Her curiosity wanted to get cracking on breaking inside her new acquisition. It may be old, but it was heavy, and definitely felt the weight of being filled with something, maybe a treasure of unknown value, so she fantasized. “Why would someone just abandon this briefcase? It gave off the vibe of containing something of value”

The answer would be found out soon enough. Carrying the briefcase under her left arm, and a plate, with a simple meal of salad and cheese, in her right hand, she joined her babies, Jasper, Jax and James, in the family room. She got cozy, finding her spot on the sofa, snuggling amongst her soft, sweet babies.

She studied the briefcase on the coffee table as she ate, and shared treats with her brood. Her imagination began to wander. It filled up with all sorts of magical imagery. What would she find? What should she wish for? Money or something more imaginative?

That’s where I’ll end it for this week. I want to keep you wondering.

Until next time.

Fondly,
Madison

ATTENTION ANNIE: At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, I am freeing myself up to write whatever without censorship. On some future date, if trust grows, I will release my letters to you. What I write in honesty, I will keep confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages.
Regards,
Madison Taylor

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

rain in garden gif

Reaching Out
Written by Madison Taylor
January 14th 2008

Reaching out a hand with a flower in it
Is not verging upon hysteria waiting for a sign
Has life frightened away wanting tenderness
Or the fragile one who is patiently waiting
Will a response be returned in recognition
Of a genuine gesture of love and friendship
Or does the heart identify with one of those characters
Wanting and needing attention who will be lost without it
In the wilderness of lost dreams and nightmares
Forever wandering wondering what was missed
What path was it meant to take but turned the other way

Reaching for the stars shining high up in the darkness
The farthest thing away from reaching a heart desired
Turning around and going deep inside the soul
There is where the heart will find a resting place
Part of all in the world have turned away
Losing all sense of day or night or play
Talk for a moment about all the dreams
Seeking them takes the mind away from finding them
They are before the eyes right here inside the soul
Inside of every thought and feeling the heart possesses
Out there is only the illusion of what will not be found

© madison taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

CREAM: WHITE ROOM — Theme Song #16 For Private Writings: Chapter #16 — Aggravating Behavior

le chateau de rocher by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013   824x552Le Chateau de Rocher is the home of Madison and Scottie & their three cats Mikey, Toker and Patrick

the white room  768x776

The White Room

QUOTATIONS from: Private Writings

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poe

QUOTATIONS on AGGRAVATING BEHAVIOR:

“Never hide things from hardcore thinkers. They get more aggravated, more provoked by confusion than the most painful truths.” ― Criss Jami

“He is being nibbled to death by ducks. –More Later, Less the Same” ― James Tate, Selected Poems

“I suppose an analyst not getting that you are the client and he should be listening to you, not telling his own stories and being sexually perverse talking about gay sex with a lesbian who has not desire to hear about balls, and not the kind you find being tossed about on a playground, but the kind that go with the package of junk men have. Don’t misunderstand, a cliche, but one of my best friends is a gay male. This is aggravating and if I thought about, it also borders on inappropriate behavior and sexual harassment. Michael Fassbender can show his junk. It is actually quite lovely, but I don’t want my analyst going anywhere near that subject unless I am talking about an abuser raping me. Enough said.” — Madison Taylor, Letters of Import: Aggravating Behavior 16

“I suppose I have found it easier to identify with the characters who verge upon hysteria, who were frightened of life, who were desperate to reach out to another person. But these seemingly fragile people are the strong people really.” — Tennessee Williams

“When you reach for the stars, you are reaching for the farthest thing out there. When you reach deep into yourself, it is the same thing, but in the opposite direction. If you reach in both directions, you will have spanned the universe.” — ― Vera Nazarian

play is not just play meryl streep

Private Writings: Chapter #14 — Thirst of the Soul

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013Private Writings: Chapter #14 — Thirst of the Soul
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
First Published March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 18th June 2013
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Private Writings: Chapter #14 — Thirst of the Soul

Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
New Year’s Day

Dear Annie,

I didn’t realize how much you effected me. Not seeing you for two weeks has felt unbearable, Missing you, I expected. But not this strongly. It feels awful. I’m beginning to feel depressed. Scottie is away. She’s coming back tonight. Working on our film, my screenplay, her directing. My part is finished but it needed some extra touches editing. The director decisions for final cut were mandatory. It’s going to be a great film. Story is being kept hush-hush but it is about a writer who finds a briefcase filled with money. She has written an excellent book that keeps getting rejected. Publishers turn her work away and market trending shit from people that will bring in the millions and last a month. She’s losing her confidence. Now, she has this money. Has no idea who it belongs to and isn’t sure what to do. What would most people do in these circumstances? That is where the film goes into the realm of the strange and dangerous.

Films, screenplays and writing are my first love. I keep my writing edge with poetry. It helps me work through my feelings. And clears away the pain. I’ll write a poem for you. When you become my analyst I’ll show it to you. I’ll put it with this letter. My feelings for you need an outlet and don’t want to scare you away. My nature is filled with an intense passion. Feelings overwhelm me. I try to put them into my art. I am a bit afraid for you to know my feelings for you. Let me explain.

This therapist who treated me made what I felt into something that was ugly and that love is bad, which makes me feel innately bad. All my life my feelings have been corrupted and this fucking therapist totally fucked me up more. Now I don’t trust anyone with how I feel. Not even myself.

I hope you will understand me. Nothing is wrong with feeling love or attraction for another person. It is part of everyone’s nature. Like loving animals for me. They communicate realness. Humans don’t. I think what I feel is good. Sharing joy and happiness should be ok. Somehow it has become perverse. My abusers destroyed those feelings in me. One would expect better to come from a psychotherapist.

You, I feel I can trust. No fears. You’re open. You don’t turn away from nightmares. You don’t seem to be afraid of love..

I believe that love and sex are two separate sources of energy. They can be expressed separately. They don’t need the other to exist. Love and sex are different energies. Sex is a momentary release of a physical reaction. Love is all intensive and can fill you up continually.

When someone tells you they love you, it creates a wonderful feeling or it should. What I am trying to say is your absence makes me feel more intensely. I miss having contact with you. I feel agitated without you around. I get overwhelmed with pain, physical and emotional, when I can’t be near you. It feels kind of maddening. I think I am becoming rather attached. It’s a real problem. It is difficult to think about you. I know it will be alright once you return. Just need to be patient.

If we work together, maybe someday, then I will be able to tell you this in person. It’s like looking at the sun without a filter, it burns out your sight. Am I too sensitive or open. It feels like we crash together like magnets that have been turned up to full power? I just don’t understand.

I will have to write more about this in future letters. Maybe, I will find some answers.

See you again SOON. No more writing. Can’t think. Too confusing.

Happy New Year Annie.

Fondly & In PAIN,
Madison

ATTENTION ANNIE: At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, I am freeing myself up to write whatever without censorship. On some future date, if trust grows, I will release my letters to you. What I write in honesty, I will keep confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages.
Regards,
Madison Taylor

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

a flower of many colours-this is for you

a flower of many colours-this is for you

rain in garden gif

Thirst of the Soul
By Madison Taylor
December 27th 2007

Sorrow.
Broken hearts.
Rawness.
Burning tears.
Dark holes for escape.
Understanding.
Listener to listen.
Take the edge off without useless drugs.
Soothing sounds of trust
Comforting support.
Taking the burden away.

Relief.
Release.
Clearness of mind to hold onto.
Offering.
Will lift up spirit.
Always in the wings.
Great lift off.
Flying.
Soaring above the clouds.
Above the storm.

Love offered freely.
Never going away.
Vent the rage.
Explode.
Cry tears of pain.
No burning.
Tears of water
To feed the thirst of the soul.
Water the trees.
The flowers.
The love awaits.
Given freely.
Arms waiting to hold.
Embrace a heart so raw.
Love with softness and warmth.
Remember time does not count.
It is all relative.
Come when ready.
Arrival time open.
Love Always.

© madison taylor 2007

candle flame flickering gif

Cris Williamson — Song of the Soul Much More — Chapter #14

le chateau de rocher by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013   824x552

Le Chateau de Rocher is the home of Madison and cottie & their three cats Mikey Toker & Patrick

family gathering place and hangout

madison's study/library  640x480

Madison’s study/library

front foyer and staircase  812x612

Front foyer and staircase

cinema & multi-media room 803x804

Cinema & Multi-media room

QUOTATIONS from: Private Writings

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poe

QUOTATIONS on MISS YOU SO MUCH MORE:

“If the portraits of our absent friends are pleasant to us, which renew our memory of them and relieve our regret for their absence by a false and empty consolation, how much more pleasant are letters which bring us the written characters of the absent friend.” ― Héloïse d’Argenteuil, The Letters of Abélard and Héloïse

“It was going to be a long, dark night but not quite as dark as it was in the abyss of his heart where there was nothing but hollowness, yet it felt heavy, almost as if someone still resided there.” ― Faraaz Kazi

“Do you know what the mathematical expression is for longing? … The negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you are missing something.” ― Peter Høeg, Smilla’s Sense of Snow

“Do you think everybody misses somebody? I believe, sometimes, that the whole world has an aching heart.” ― Kate DiCamillo, Because of Winn-Dixie

play is not just play meryl streep