“Artifact” My Biography – Joshua Snow

white dragon jr snow facing to rightI would like to mark the
13th of July 2014 as the date I formally Introduced
J.R. Snow, a young emerging writer. For the past
three Sundays, he has been our Guest Artist and
his work, in the form of a three part short
story, has been presented here on
‘the secret keeper.’
Thank You Joshua
Jennifer Kiley
jkm

white dragon jr snow

Now it is time for the writer to come out from
behind his worded mask of storytelling and
talk to us about himself and his aspirations.
The following is J.R.’s
introduction of himself
in his own words.
Thank you ALL. Now I
give you - J.R. Snow

 

Artifact
My Biography

Joshua Snow

“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” – Roald Dahl

There are a lot of things I wish to say in this, things I wish to express and explain, but words can only describe so much. My name is Joshua Snow. If you’re a Game of Thrones fan like me, you probably already caught onto the fact that my last name is Snow and you know what it means. Yes, I have been told that I know nothing. (Another Game of Thrones reference) However, people are just trying to be funny rather than rude. Besides that, allow me to introduce myself.

Dragon Spirit for j.r. snow bioI live in Texas, a very big place deep in the south. Within this very big state I live in Houston. To put it bluntly, I do not like it here. Its too hot, not enough forest and mountains, and the winters are too short. I plan to move up north someday to some place I feel like I belong. I am 19 and I will be turning 20 this year in August. I am currently enrolled in college classes for the first time and will be starting June 2nd. A lot of change is coming my way, and for the most part, it has been scary to feel.

Now I bet you’re all wondering, “What is a child like me doing talking about myself?” Well, besides what I just told you, I am a writer. A creator. A daydreamer. My mind is always somewhere. I was always that kid in class caught with his head up in the clouds. Even my principal said so when I graduated high school.

I’m fascinated with anything magical, and most of all, anything having to do with dragons. Dragons to me are the most wonderful beings in the world. I read about them as a kid and I have dragon décor all over my room. I have a Celtic dragon flag that’s rather large, a dragon poster by the wonderful artist Christina Yen, a dragon clock, dragon books, Dragon’s Blood incense, (I promise its not really made of dragon’s blood) dragon pendants and a dragon incense holder as well as a box with a dragon laying on it. I’m pretty sure that’s all of it. Dragons are like family to me and I strongly believe they are my guardian angels. I’ve dreamed about them a lot too and I’ve had a lot of dreams of flying. I get a running start and I just leap off my own two feet and fly. There was one particular dream where I was flying with a lot of dragons and a green one stood out to me.

Awesome dragon Poster facing rightI’ve been working on a big fantasy story for the past three years now. I’ve rewritten it a lot of times, and combining all those rewrites, I don’t doubt in my mind I’d go up to 300-400 pages. The characters are probably the closest part to perfect out of the whole story. The plot is still in motion and being worked out in detail and I also drew a map of the world.

I’ve planned for this to be a series of books. I designed the characters via a certain video game where I was allowed to create my own fighter and I designed them through that. I created eighty-two characters until I found the very few I desired. Out of all of those, the few I kept are probably six or seven. My most precious character I created is a Seraphina, a dragon who can transform into a woman with long, white hair and keeps the beautiful blue eyes I gave her. She’s the last one who carries the power of old magic inside her, magic that no longer exists in the world.

In the world I created, magic is dying. Other species like elves no longer exist, and dragons and humans are the only ones known to be alive. However, humans can use magic as well. There are witches and mages, good and evil. I never liked the idea that witches and wizards were all evil anyway. I found it to be tasteless and narrow minded. Also, in the world, there is a war going on. It is a private war, one that is hidden from public knowledge. No one is aware of but those involved. I do have deeper details but I do not wish to spoil. I hate spoilers myself. The entire series is inspired by the idea that despite all of cruelty, corruption and darkness in the world, there is always a chance for happiness. There is such a thing as a happy ending. Its just that not everyone gets one, and those who do get one are blessed. Not everyone gets a happy ending, sadly, for everyone who deserved one.

dragon white looking left into the sea while sitting on a ledgeAs for magical things, I do believe there is some sort of magic in the world. From what I’ve felt and seen, I can’t doubt it. I can no longer think it’s as simple as science and logic. I had a friend once who told me the reason spiritual things were still around was because you can’t prove them wrong because that individual believes it so much, so it carries on, and you can’t prove them right because there’s no physical proof or evidence to show to people. If I believe in a so-called god, I cannot call this so called god and have you meet him in person. I cannot show you a spirit of a dead person or show you a dragon or something magical with my own hands. His logic and reasoning were very interesting, and he actually offered to hear my opinions and to tell me if I was wrong, but I decided not to.

All I know, and believe, is that there is something in matters of spirit and magic. And through things I wish to write like a short story or this big fantasy story I spoke of, I wish to share that. I believe magic breathes through everything, I believe in different dimensions, spirits, souls, guardian angels, and past lives. I believe everything has a life and a spirit and a name. Everything is like a little artifact. It has its own identity, meaning, and its come from something. Everything has an origin. Everything comes to us for a reason. That’s what I ultimately believe. Everything happens for a reason.

joshua snow 9th june 2014
 

If you want to contact

Author J.R. Snow
[Joshua Snow]

Please Use Contact Windows

Below Music Video

hand letting go of golden flecks gif


Evanescence - Together Again

Please Feel Free To Contact Joshua Snow. Fill Out The Windows Below With Questions &/or Comments. They will be forwarded to Joshua.

Thank you.   jkm the secret keeper

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Cinema Theoretica: “Transcendence”

cinema theoretica

“Transcendence”I

Post by Jennifer Kiley

Post Friday 11th July 2014

 

A MOVIE THAT PEAKS MY CURIOSITY & PURE FASCINATION WITH A.I. WOULDN’T IT BE GRANDE IF THIS IS A WAY FOR HUMANS TO GAIN IMMORTALITY. I HEARD JUST RECENTLY IT ISN’T FAR INTO THE FUTURE THE POSSIBILITIES ARE THERE. WE MAY JUST SOMEDAY BE ABLE TO UPLOAD OUR MENTAL AWARENESS INTO A COMPUTER. WE COULD GO ON CREATING THOUGHTS. HYPOTHESIZING THEORIES. GROWING IN WISDOM. FEELINGS. I WONDER IF ONE HAS TRANSCENDED WHETHER FEELINGS WOULD BE EXPERIENCED? IN THIS NEW FOUND STATE OF BEING. IT WOULD STILL BE BEING. DO WE NEED A BODY TO BE ALIVE? SUSTENANCE. WHAT IS SUSTENANCE WITHOUT A BODY NEEDING TO BE FED? WOULD OUR SUSTENANCE COME FROM NEW & CONTINUED DISCOVERIES OF AWARENESS? JUST SOME THOUGHTS I AM THROWING OUT FOR PONDERING. IF I WOULDN’T EVER DIE TRANSCENDENCE APPEARS TO BE [ONCE THE KINKS ARE WORKED OUT] A PERFECT CONTINUATION. WOULD WE MISS THE TACTILE CONNECTIONS? COULD A COMPUTER BE TAUGHT [PROGRAMMED] TO CAUSE US TO SIMULATE THE SENSATION OF TOUCH & OTHER OF OUR SENSES. EXCITING. CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THE RELEASE OF “TRANSCENDENCE”ON DVD or STREAMING.  I <3 JOHNNY DEPP

“Transcendence” Official Trailer 2014

Two leading computer scientists work toward their goal of Technological Singularity, as a radical anti-technology organization fights to prevent them from creating a world where computers can transcend the abilities of the human brain.

“Transcendence”: There is a time factor involved. A terminally ill scientist downloads his consciousness into a computer. This grants him power beyond his wildest dreams, and soon he becomes unstoppable.

Sci-Fi Thriller. Dr. Will Caster (Johnny Depp) is the foremost researcher in the field of Artificial Intelligence, working to create a sentient machine that combines the collective intelligence of everything ever known with the full range of human emotions. His highly controversial experiments have made him famous, but they have also made him the prime target of anti-technology extremists who will do whatever it takes to stop him. However, in their attempt to destroy Will, they inadvertently become the catalyst for him to succeed-to be a participant in his own transcendence. For his wife Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) and best friend Max Waters (Paul Bettany), both fellow researchers, the question is not if they can…but if they should. Their worst fears are realized as Will’s thirst for knowledge evolves into a seemingly omnipresent quest for power, to what end is unknown. The only thing that is becoming terrifyingly clear is there may be no way to stop him. IMdB…

What Is Transcendence?

PG-13, 1 hr. 59 min. Drama, Science Fiction & Fantasy

Directed By: Wally Pfister Written By: Jack Paglen

In Theaters: Apr 18, 2014 Wide

Counting the Days for Release on DVD or Streaming

Warner Bros. Pictures

Cast

Johnny Depp…….Dr. Will Caster

Paul Bettany…….Max Waters

Rebecca Hall…….Evelyn

Morgan Freeman
Kate Mara
Cole Hauser

“Lila” – A Short FIlm

lightness of being day wednesday negative

“Lila - A Short Film

Post by Jennifer Kiley

Post Wednesday 9th July 2014

 

I <3 SHORT FILMS

Music No Speaking. She draws her world the way she sees it or wants it to be. 

The certainty of reality is confounding. No one’s imagination should be called into question when determining reality

sometimes i feel realityis what we believe it to be

the young woman has the touch of magic and with her colors she turns real color into something imaginative and real to her

be delighted at the visual imagery she creates smile at the joy she draws into the world

“lila” transforms the real world through her drawings into the reality of her images

even though i tell you you may not be able to imagine exactly what i mean until you experience it for yourself

here, i give you “lila

Lila – Carlos Lascano

Lila is the character of a short film that somehow completes a sort of aesthetic trilogy I have started in 2008 with “A short love story in Stop Motion” ( vimeo.com/877053 ) and then followed in 2011 with “A shadow of blue” ( vimeo.com/29573040 ) I had the pleasure to have the talented Sandy Lavallart composing this beautiful music sandylavallart.com  You can take a look at the backstage here: vimeo.com/75723266

“Tears” Part Two “Invisible” – A Short Story

a writer's word polished or raw

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I would like to introduce to you J.R. Snow, a young emerging writer.
A major influence in J.R.’s writing is the magical & spiritual
interconnectedness between Dragons & people.

I am delighted to open up ‘the secret keeper’ to present J.R.’s work.
Whenever he has written something he feels he would like to share,
I will post his work here as a Guest Artist.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Tears” – A Short Story
In Three Parts
Invisible” – Part Two
Written by Guest Writer J.R. Snow
Post Saturday 29th June 2014

“Only love can reach into a human’s heart, piece it back together and make it more beautiful.”

white dragon jr snow

“Invisible”
by J.R. Snow

Ever since that day, I didn’t dare leave him alone unless he desired to be. I stood by his side whenever he stood out on the white, marble patio of his room to look out at the stone city and the mountains that circled it and stretched beyond. I kept him warm whenever he grew cold at night, turning to my true form to wrap my white wings around him. I lit warming fires and candles with the flames within me whenever he slept to keep the darkness away. He never liked the dark. It always made him feel like he wasn’t safe.

In my human form, I only looked a little older than he was. In the aging terms of an immortal, I was still very young. Maybe that’s why he got along with me so much, because I looked his age in human form, or maybe it has more to do with who I am. Whatever the reason, I began to see after that day when he cried in my arms his affection for me grew stronger. He would hold me when I lied next to him, hold my hands, and sometimes he would tell me how much I really mean to him. I remember what he said word for word. ‘I don’t feel alone anymore when I am with you. I feel like when you’re with me, I have everything I could ever ask for. I feel as if I had never felt lonely a day in my life.’ Those words made me smile. He also smiled back at me.

In the now he’s going to be 20 soon. His years of becoming a man are growing near. Knowing he was growing older, and I forever would be like this, began to pain me. I knew as he grew that he was getting closer and closer to the end of his days. I hated the thought of that. I didn’t want to see this mortal die and wither away like the others. I wanted him to stay, to breathe an immortal life, for I felt he deserved it.

On the first cold night of winter, I came to him, and I looked at him in the eyes. He looked back into mine. He then grabbed my hands and said to me, “I . . . really want to tell you that I . . . really like you.” He found it hard to spit out all the words. His shyness was getting the best of him and I simply smiled.

I leaned in close to him and whispered to him, “I know.” He smiled wide, wrapping his arms around me and holding me close. I could feel all of the emotions bottled up inside him, emotions he’s wanted to express for years but has never been able to. There was so much love and sadness and pain inside him, more than I ever felt in any mortal in my life.
His deepest emotions and desires filled me. He wanted me to love him back desperately, and he wanted to express just how much he desired me, for I was the only female being in his life who stayed. All of it was overflowing him on the inside. It was like he was reaching an edge, like he can’t take it anymore. I began to cry. I did not bother to feel him like this before, and I should have years ago. I could have saved him a lot of suffering and a lot of tears. Concern filled his eyes and covered his face, and I looked up at him and said, “I’m sorry.”

huge & little dragon together sm

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If you wish to contact the Author J.R. Snow
Please Feel Free to Use the Contact Windows Below

Zodiac – Evolution

amazing visions
Zodiac – Evolution

Post Created by Jennifer Kiley

Dedicated to “ℜ”

Post Wednesday 25th June 2014

SYMBOLISM JUNG WOULD HAVE GREAT FUN GUESSING VERY BEAUTIFUL MOVEMENT MAGICAL IMAGES DREAM SEQUENCES THAT WOULD FIND AN INTERPRETER OF DREAMS INTRIGUED ATTEMPTING TO PUT ALL IN THEIR PLACES

Zodiac – Evolution

zodiac-wheel-signs-symbols

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“Tears” Part One “The Mortal” – A Short Story

a writer's word polished or raw

*      *       *       *       *       *       *

I would like to introduce to you J.R. Snow, a young emerging writer.
A major influence in J.R.’s writing is the magical & spiritual
interconnectedness between Dragons & people.

I am delighted to open up ‘the secret keeper’ to present J.R.’s work.
Whenever he has written something he feels he would like to share,
I will post his work here as a Guest Artist.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Tears” – A Short Story
In Three Parts
The Mortal” – Part One
Written by Guest Writer J.R. Snow
Post Sunday 22nd June 2014

“Only love can reach into a human’s heart, piece it back together and make it more beautiful.”

white dragon jr snow

“The Mortal”
by J.R. Snow

I have lived for so many years. So many centuries have I watched as mortal creatures wither and die, their soul passing from this world. Some come back but some go elsewhere, to another world, another realm where their desires and questions rest. I have lived many mortal lives, for I am timeless, a being of infinite life. Through all of these years I have felt so many different kinds of pain, happiness, anger, sadness and love. However, despite all of my knowledge and wisdom, loneliness always reaches for me.

Out of all my years of living, learning, observing, I see that mortals are capable of so much. It saddens me to see that they are finite, for they are capable of so much, yet their deepest darkness holds them back from greatness. But they are capable of wisdom and knowledge like us, and despite their counted days, they are also capable of love that outlasts even their lifetime.

Not all of us see what I see in them. Some see them as “lesser” life forms, a parasite, a sickness, something that should not exist. It is sad that not all can see it, for they hold a beauty and kindness that we have ourselves, and that is the ability to create something that lasts forever, rather it be love or knowledge. And they can do it without needing all of the time the universe offers.

However, this story is not about them, but it is about one. One I know. One I have watched. One I admire greatly. I have seen him grow from a child to a young man. While I am not human like him, I could become one if I desired. He finds me fascinating and beautiful, for he tells me with a smile on his face and shyness in his voice. While I have seen so many mortal men who are ruthless, crude or vile, he was anything but. Despite his youth, deep down I still see that innocent child who desires nothing but to be happy.

I remember the day when he came to me in tears. He was seventeen. In my human form, I wrapped my arms around him and said, “What is wrong hun?” Such a word brings him comfort.

He responded with, “I’ve been alone for so long. I have no friends to bond with and no woman who feels affection for me. I have never felt so alone in my life.” Such words tore me apart. Hearing him cry was painful, for I desired nothing but happiness for him, and seeing tears come from his eyes only made me feel like I had failed to bring it to him.

huge & little dragon together sm

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If you wish to contact the Author J.R. Snow
Please Feel Free To Use the Contact Windows Below

Private Writings #65 – “I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”
Private Writings #65
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 10th June 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #65. “I Said Hello You Said Goodbye”

Tuesday 2nd December 2008

Dear Annie,

Tell me what it is to be sexually attracted to someone whether you are a lesbian or straight. I feel so fucked up and suicidal right now and overwhelmed with anxiety. Confusion fills my mind. I need to draw from something sane to stabilize myself.

Something wants to take over my body or thoughts. It could be the voice I feel is coming from a ghost.

There has also been something very bizarre occurrences of objects moving, sudden winds, books fall off shelves, rather more like books being thrown off bookshelves and desks by invisible forces. The aberration has been very angry today and quite destructive. It’s either a ghost or my telekinetic energy mad as hell and sending out tremendous amounts from a negative energy flow, causing waves of the power to move objects and send them sailing.

It is odd but I have no feelings. I’ve shut them down. I may be trying to escape but I can’t. My life won’t leave me alone. It demands attention. It doesn’t like being all fucked up. My life is always with me no matter where I try to escape or into what insane state of mind that I produce. All the shit will still be here facing me down. There’s far too much pressure for me to handle safely. I have cracked in many vulnerable places. They feel like they could blow my mind away at any moment in & outside of time. I believe the rest of what is “me” would disappear with it.

For a quick moment, I would like to profess or confess, I HATE MY FAMILY, the part that tried destroying me. The pedophiles who forced me into experiencing their perverse needs and desires. They satisfied them on me. Stealing my innocence inside of their perversions. Presently, my gut feels like they have cut my insides open in order to watch me fall out & splatter over everything & everywhere. It is the most disgusting display of gross intentions.

I am Humpty Dumpty & no matter how hard I have tried, No One Seems To Be Able To Succeed In Putting Me Back Together Again. Nor Will They Ever, I Feel. Hope feels lost amongst the ruins of my once intricately commanding mind. I have failed or haven’t succeeded beating them back enough, far away from my center of being. Their corruption has infected me & I haven’t found there is a cure for the poisons they possess.

If I could have the dream life I wished for, not much would change. I love my new family. I never see the old one. The grandparents I love are gone. My grandmother is with me, inside every part of me, especially my heart & soul. She lifts me up into the sky to soar while I dream. When I am awake, my Muse & my grandmother are quite the pair when they work on me together. Sparks fly out of my fingers as I type on the keyboard. As the words appear on the page, I can see the flames licking the screen & feel their warmth caressing the meaning from out of the free flowing air around us. It is quite mystical & pixelated when those two are involved.

What I don’t understand is why was I born if life were only here to crush me? I feel my chest taking in air & the pain engulfs me. Something punches my body while I sleep. It feels like I lose every battle on any night they’re out to batter me. Who “they” are, I would conjecture they are “EVIL” & belong to the deepest Blackness where demons hide out in the Dark. I was born Good & it has always been necessary to try to destroy that strong element inside of me. But I am a fighter with a strength coming from the Unknown, which seems to want me to win the battle. All of the Battles, even if it feels like I have already lost & resigned.

Can’t wait to see your face looking back at me. I need to see your eyes. They give me strength & kindness. I need to be close to you & want you to hold me. Make me a promise, never to let me go.

Time for Group Therapy. We are talking about what we Feel is Real Today. What the Fuck is Real? It doesn’t exist. Reality. It is what is the Illusion. Fantasy & Imagination Are the True World while We Are Awake. HELL is where We Live when We Trip through Our Own Private Dreams. The Theory that the World Is Watching Is Only A Way To Jerk the Trolls of Nightmares Around into Believing in the Fake Reality. The One that Is Presented to Us through the Faux Media. It Is All A Manipulated Illusionary Perception We Are Meant To Believe In.

I will leave that last thought with you to Ponder. Maybe she [Me] has lost her mind somewhere in the swamp of Hell & Fire.

Don’t worry I am still here somewhere inside of my own mind.

Will write more soon.

Just How Many More Days Do I Have To Count Until I Am Released From My Own Private Prison?

Love Fondly,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

negative of le chateau de rocher by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

“Nuit Blanche” – A Short Film

i heart short films
Nuit Blanche” – A Short Film
Post Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 12th April 2014
Posted on Friday 30th May 2014
I <3 SHORT FILMS

A MOST PASSIONATE ENCOUNTER.
SOMETHING WE MAY FANTASIZE
BUT OFTEN DO NOT TAKE THE STEP
OR CRASH FORWARD HEAD ON
GAYLY OR STRAIGHT INTO
A SPECTACULAR BRAIN BLASTING
KISS TO MAKE ALL OTHERS
PALE IN COMPARISON.

here, i give you “nuit blanche”

Nuit Blanche – from Spy Films

facebook.com/spyfilms.worldwide – Nuit Blanche explores a fleeting moment between two strangers, revealing their brief connection in a hyper real fantasy.

The making of the award winning “Nuit Blanche”

Watch the “Making of” here – vimeo.com/9076775

We Are All Mad Here – A Short Film

i heart short films
We Are All Mad Here – A Short Film
Post Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created on 27th March 2014
Posted on Friday 9th May 2014
I <3 SHORT FILMS

everyone at one time
may have heard tell
that a mad hatter existed
some place in wonderland

have lies been told about him
do the records need straightening
a visit from alice may be in order
or the march hare with his cousin
the white rabbit everyone knows for sure
all across the land above and below

being partial to the mad hatter
i give him credit for keeping non-sense
well understood or imagined

let’s take a listen to someone special
i have brought along with me today
yesterday was when i got the idea
but it is as relevant as it was before now

dream believe create

here, i give you “we are all mad here”

NICK FOUQUET – WE ARE ALL MAD HERE
from Bruno Miotto Plus 5 months ago All Audiences

Directed by Bruno Miotto
Written by Giorgio Fabbri and Bruno Miotto
Producer Guja Quaranta
Original Score “Have I Gone Mad?” composed by Alberto Bof – MKRS Publishing
Cinematography by Benjamin Kitchens
Editor: Bruno MIotto
Graphic Designer: Letizia Bozzolini

Cast
Alice: Sharon Hinnendael
Twins: Odelia Samuels and Ornela Samuels
Kids: Philips Banuelos, Yanshree Hotchandani, Brooke Krufal, Matthew Turner, Jacob Zelonky
White Rabbit: Bao Bao

“No animals were harmed in making this film, only humans.”

Private Writings: Chapters #56 — I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #56 – I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by NAME OF ARTIST
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 8th April 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #56 — I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

[Starting the Third Week Madison Is Being Held at the Redcliff Psychiatric Institute After a Failed Suicide Attempt...]

Tuesday 30th September 2008

Dear Annie,

I am keeping “A Writer’s Diary” just like my heroine Virginia Woolf. It sounded like a good way of keeping track of my entire short [sarcastic] stay at Redcliff [Psychiatric Institute]. In between, when I feel it, I will write something specifically addressed to you, Annie. I want you to know I miss you. My feelings are filled with an emotional and physical pain I can bearly stand. It hurts so much.

Why is love so painful?

Here is how I have set up my letters to you for the future while I am still incarcerated with people I am having such a difficult time relating to. With the exception of my psychiatrist Dr. Virginia McKinnon, and two patients I feel some closeness with in small amounts. I will tell you about them in small amounts.

“A Writer’s Diary”

Today, I could only feel Jamie being with me. No visitors until the end of this week. No contact until then. I haven’t spoken to or seen anyone. Not Scottie or Alison. No Jamie. And no Annie. I miss everyone. I miss my laptop. If I want to write, I have certain times during the day when I am allowed to have a pen and paper to use for writing. When the time is up, everything is confiscated until the next time. Dr. V [Virginia McKinnon] shows me my work when we meet in session. We talk about why my urge to die. It hasn’t stopped, my desire to end my life. But I have to find a way out of here. I thought of pretending I don’t want to die any longer. Thinking they will let me see Jamie. I am so pissed at her. I want to yell at her for saving me. WTF!!! Jamie. When someone wants to take their life, it belongs to them. I should be allowed to leave this world. Pain is too overwhelming. I can’t bear seeing the sordid images in my head. It’s too disturbing. Also, it’s absolutely ridiculous that committing suicide is against the law. What kind of charges are filed? Defendant is not able to be here. She is dead by her own hand. What kind of sentence does a judge pass down on someone who is dead due to taking their own life?

Where is Jamie? I need Jamie to hold me. No one here is warm like her. My animals. I miss their furriness snuggling next to my face, sharing my pillow. It is a Country Club here but it is sterile. No life. Maybe Jamie didn’t save me and I am in Hell.

If there is a Higher Power, which I sometimes believe, she wouldn’t punish people in the places artists have designed as that darkness filled with pure evil. Persons who kills themselves are not all bad. There is an argument for those mass killers who swallow a bullet before they can be captured and punished. Is death not a punishment? Depends on where it takes you. Did the Goddess create a place that fills a space outside of the Universe? Or are there parallel Universes and after Death we are transferred to one of the many.

Maybe it’s all a matter of what we wish or dream about as our fantasy of what Heaven or the Here After is in our Imagination.

Do I feel Nuts? Not at all. I just want to die. Wanting to die does not make one Nuts. Wanting to live in this Insane world seems at times to me a place that would make anyone develop Pure Madness.

Thoughts to think about as I sleep. More tomorrow.

Today a new patient at group today. She accused me of being a Prima Dona. My face with Jamie Stansfield, Academy Award Winning Actress, pissed her off. She accused me of thinking I was more cool than anyone else here. I lost track of reality long before she raged out on me. Am I in the film being made or am I making this film? At times it feels real but I don’t know which one. She has the look and sound of a homophobe. I told her Jamie loves me. Her language beats out mine for being outrageous. I don’t feel ashamed for being in love with women.

She accused me of being base. The lowest form of life. How could I, as a woman, touch another woman in a [crude remark from ID 666] way so blasphemous. That place was meant for a [man’s] prick*[*her word not mine]. To me a prick is a man who does not respect women. She obviously never heard of toys of the sexual kind. She, also, does not understand the way a woman in love with a woman in love with her really feels like. It is the sexiest, tenderest, lovingest, hottest, most intense feeling in the world.

She has no idea how madly obsessed I am by being pulled like a magnet to a woman’s intimate intensity and her Chloe scent. Many women attract my attention. Writing words of seduction to a woman who possesses my heart is like watching the faery like sleekness of a hummingbird drawn to their choice of honey sweet red. Watch them hover as they suck the sweet juices. It takes a great deal to satisfy their need. In work, the seduction is part of play, touch her with words, caressing words.

I am responsible for my own rape. Sylvia would never have gotten that close to me if I hadn’t been manipulated into getting Scottie to hire her all those years ago. If I’d never been seduced by her years ago, she would never have gotten into our lives. I think Scottie is starting to understand more. Being abused sexually and completely, fucks up your whole life. It can never be what you want it to be.

I just want to be loved. To be made love to without my becoming catatonic or cold inside. Making love starts out so beautifully. I want to love kissing. I have loved and kissed many women, but few knew how to touch my lips in the way I needed them to, in order that I would feel the depth and tenderness of their lips, also. All the kisses I felt have been from the kiss of women. Women who have driven me wild with the sensation of their lips on mine in a slow, sensual, passionate, lingering kiss. Don’t ever think about men in that way. Never have.

There is something I want to tell you, Annie, but first I just want you to know there is nothing to be jealous of in my relationship with my psychiatrist. I call her Dr. V or Virginia. She prefers it. She’s pretty young to be a psychiatrist or just looks young. Maybe she is a vampire. I notice, she usually sees me after dark or in an office with lights dimmed. She is exceptionally sharp. She told me I get attracted and attached to certain therapists and think I am in love with them, when really it is my unresolved feelings over my grandmother’s death and when my love Tosh was murdered. I have never gotten over their deaths.

I was too young when my grandmother died and needed her so much. And when Tosh died, I felt responsible. The crash was meant to happen to me. It was my car she died in. I should have been driving. She would still be alive. Some psychic told me she sacrificed herself for me. She was my angel. I was not supposed to die. She was there to guide me. Here I thought I was the one to be guiding her. Long story. Another time I think.

I think we’ve only just begun.

Before I end, Annie, I need to tell you some things about Jamie. She is not out in her public persona. Only her friends know and only one member of her family. That would be her younger brother, Wagner, the super-computer genius. Jamie takes him as her date to all her public functions. He supplies her and all her friends with any 1st edition new techno device he personally designs and turns into the next iPhone. Inside joke. Remember “Brief Sacrifice.” By the way, our film did grand. It has tripled the investments after overhead, stars, and crew, the rest goes to Infinite Imaginations INC. III. and to percentages.

I actually sounded logical there for a moment. What I need is some weed. I need to inhale some soothing power from the pipe Scottie hand-made for me. She is a genius in everything she touches. Except me, no one is that far advanced in genius.

Keep it mum about Jamie.

I love you, Annie. You are the one. The one Tosh keeps telling me “I need to open up to. You hold a secret. The secret is supposed to bring me happiness in tears and turn them into sorrow the day after the morrow.” I have no idea what this means. It is her message not mine.

No more Brief Sacrifice. Time traveling has to wait. Maybe I will write a short story for The New Yorker. As if they would publish a woman character who time travels trying to discover the hiding places of Nikola Tesla’s lost designs which would give infinite comfort to all on the planet. But the 1% would need to be thrown out into the sewers, with a few exceptions. The generous who are trying to make the world just and equal.

I need to send this to you. After that I will be visited by Scottie and Alison. It’s not far from home. Later Jamie is going to come out alone. We will finally be able to speak our minds and hearts. I haven’t seen any of them since that night I took all those pills. I couldn’t stand remembering. That night, Sylvia brought the evil, with her and let them in. Now they won’t go away. I will talk to V about this.

Love You Annie
Madison

© Madison Taylor 2008

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Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

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“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

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