A Heartfelt Goodbye To Virginia Woolf 73 Years Later

the-living-word make the writer's diary

The Living Word

A Heartfelt Goodbye to Virginia Woolf 73 Years Later
25 January 1882 – 28 March 1941
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 23rd March 2014
Posted Friday 28th March 2014
A TRIBUTE TO VIRGINIA WOOLF

virginia woolf a writer's life quote over photo“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”

“Books are the mirrors of the soul.”

I can only note that the past is beautiful
because one never realises an emotion at the time.
It expands later, and thus we don’t have complete
emotions about the present, only about the past.”

“The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages.”

“Love, the poet said, is woman’s whole existence.”

“The truth is, I often like women. I like their
unconventionality. I like their completeness. I
like their anonymity. ”

“I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and
I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”

“All extremes of feeling are allied with madness.”

“For it would seem – her case proved it – that we
write, not with the fingers, but with the whole
person. The nerve which controls the pen winds
itself about every fibre of our being, threads
the heart, pierces the liver.”

“I am reading six books at once, the only way of
reading; since, as you will agree, one book is
only a single unaccompanied note, and to get the
full sound, one needs ten others at the same time.”

“So long as you write what you wish to write, that
is all that matters; and whether it matters for
ages or only for hours, nobody can say.”

“When I cannot see words curling like rings of
smoke round me I am in darkness—I am nothing.”

“It is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the sub-
merged truth sometimes makes its way to the surface.”

“For now she need not think of anybody. She could be
herself, by herself. And that was what now she often
felt the need of – to think; well not even to think.
To be silent; to be alone. All the being and the doing,
expansive, glittering, vocal, evaporated; and one shrunk,
with a sense of solemnity, to being oneself, a wedge-
shaped core of darkness, something invisible to others…
and this self having shed its attachments was free for
the strangest adventures.”

“Fiction is like a spider’s web, attached ever so lightly
perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners.”

“Was not writing poetry a secret transaction, a voice
answering a voice?”

“Let us again pretend that life is a solid substance,
shaped like a globe, which we turn about in our fingers.
Let us pretend that we can make out a plain and logical
story, so that when one matter is despatched—love for
instance—we go on, in an orderly manner, to the next.”

“The only advice, indeed, that one person can give another
about reading is to take no advice, to follow your own
instincts, to use your own reason, to come to your own
conclusions. If this is agreed between us, then I feel at
liberty to put forward a few ideas and suggestions because
you will not allow them to fetter that independence which
is the most important quality that a reader can possess.
After all, what laws can be laid down about books? The
battle of Waterloo was certainly fought on a certain day;
but is Hamlet a better play than Lear? Nobody can say.
Each must decide that question for himself. To admit
authorities, however heavily furred and gowned, into our
libraries and let them tell us how to read, what to read,
what value to place upon what we read, is to destroy the
spirit of freedom which is the breath of those sanctuaries.
Everywhere else we may be bound by laws and conventions-
there we have none.”

“The most extraordinary thing about writing is that
when you’ve struck the right vein, tiredness goes.”

“…who shall measure the heat and violence of a poet’s
heart when caught and tangled in a woman’s body?”

“I feel so intensely the delights of shutting oneself
up in a little world of one’s own, with pictures and
music and everything beautiful.”

“By the truth we are undone. Life is a dream. ‘Tis the
waking that kills us. He who robs us of our dreams robs
us of our life.”

— Virginia Woolf [from Her Books & Diaries]

virginia & leonard woolf 1939 National Photo Gallery London 'the dinner party' virginia woolf

Virginia & Leonard Woolf 1939
National Photo Gallery London
The Dinner Party: Virginia Woolf

Virginia Woolf’s Handwritten Suicide Note to Her Husband Leonard: A Painful & Poignant Farewell [1941]

Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that—everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.

virginia woolf's monk's house garden

Virginia Woolf’s Monk’s House Garden

Leonard buried Virginia’s ashes under the two intertwined Elm trees in their backyard at Monk’s House, their summer home in Sussex. The Elm trees in which they had nicknamed “Virginia and Leonard,” the spot was marked with a stone tablet engraved with the last lines from her novel The Waves: “Against you I fling myself, unvanquished and unyielding, O Death! The waves crashed on the shore.” After Leonard Woolf died on August 14, 1969, he was cremated and his ashes were buried next to Virginia’s under the Elm Trees at Monk’s House.

The following piece of music composed by Beethoven was to be the music played at Virginia Woolf’s and Leonard Woolf’s cremation ceremony. Leonard was so filled with grief, another piece of music was played but when he was home, he played Beethoven: String Quartet Op. 130. V. Cantina: adagio molto expressivo. It is most beautiful and soothing piece of music. I understand why Virginia and Leonard Woolf chose this piece of music. It is beautiful. It gives me a sense of being with Virginia Woolf who I admire with a fullness in my heart. She has touched my soul with her words. Her essence is alive within them. Thank you for giving so much of yourself to us in your writing with such a depth of honesty and Truth. You are not forgotten.

— Jennifer Kiley

Virginia Woolf

Peace For You Virginia Woolf

Beethoven: String Quartet Op. 130: V. Cavatina: adagio molto expressivo

Private Writings: Chapter #50 – Fated Attraction

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #50 – Fated Attraction

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting Two Naked Ladies by Anonymous
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 25th February 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #50 — Fated Attraction

Tuesday 19th August 2008

Dear Annie,

I am going to write you an unusual letter tonight. If I get too descriptive, I apologize, but I feel you need to hear a very descriptive imagery of what happened at our dinner party. Not bringing it up in session was on purpose. This needed to be written down when I felt ready to tell you. Well, now is the time.

This is when, where, and how it all developed and happened. I am not proud or ashamed of what happened. It just felt right and I am not sure that it is going to stop. What I feel is more intense than anything I have ever felt. Except when I knew someone I have spoken of before. But I don’t want to bring her into this. It has nothing to do directly with her.

Scottie and I decided we needed to have a particular dinner party with very special guests. The list, as you know, included as hosts, Scottie, Alison and myself. Our guests were you, Annie, and your husband Alex and daughter Rainer, my friend Lady Chablis, and our special guest Jamie Stansfield, our hero Carter from Brief Sacrifice.

At the party, we broke off into pairs. I spent time with Jamie. Scottie talks with Alex. Rainer hangs out with Alison. You, Annie, hang out with my friend Lady Chablis, the famous actress, not to be named here. You must have enjoyed her company. She is fabulous. I hope Alex enjoyed Scottie’s company.

I went off and got stoned with Jamie. I needed to. Someone needed to kiss someone. I felt attracted to Jamie already but the kiss secured it. Jamie kissed me and I wanted it. My usual withdrawal to anything physical, especially physical touching leading to anything sexual freaks me out on the inside only. I never show anybody it bothers me to be touched. It doesn’t stop them. So why should I let them know how being touched affects me. It leaves one too exposed for anyone to know.

Jamie caught me off-guard when she brought her face close to mine. My breathing became shallow. Jamie took my face into her hands. Her lips touched mine very gently. My insides were all in a muddle. I was melting from the heat filling my body up. I hadn’t felt this deep a physical feeling since that day. A day needing a lifetime of therapy. Not the day She died in my arms. That was love. I mean when one of my abusers did the worse thing you can do to a child against their will. I really can’t talk about it now. Too painful. Too shameful. Something that never should have happened and been stole from me. A memory that warped my mind, haunts my every memory, and flashes behind my eyes at the mere feeling of it.

I took Jamie’s hand, led her to my study, where I locked the door. Jamie sat down on the settee. I went to get two glasses, a bottle of brandy, and a pipe filled with some fine cannabis. I have a prescription for my nerves and the pain in my back. Haven’t I ever mentioned the Medicinal Marijuana? It helps with my memory, too. Right now, all I have left is a scar on my back.

Steel stabbed through my body that night. I lost so much blood I came close to walking the white road. But what was worse, the woman I wished for, I dreamed of, I had, was stolen from me that night. My wound healed on the outside but my life was still stolen when her life was taken away from me. That is my selfish attitude. Of course, I know she was stolen from the rest of the world inside her life. Even if they were worthless, with maybe one exception, the rest tried to suck out her soul. I protected her by not letting them near her. That was what she wanted. But when that wasn’t enough they tried to kill me but she put herself between us.

Does anyone ever get over being murdered? Or having someone save your life by sacrificing theirs?

I am moving past this into the next passage, where I am going to get subliminally graphic. Just thought I would put in a WARNING ALERT. I feel a need to describe it. Bare with me. Jamie and I have entered into my study slash library. So, back to Jamie, if you will.

“Here we are, Jamie. Take a glass, please.” I poured her glass first. After placing my drink on the edge of the desk, I took out the pipe I had filled with pot. It had a similar effect to that of Thai weed. Do you remember it? I took one hit, passed the pipe and lighter to Jamie. When she smoked her hit, she carefully put the pipe on the desk. I motioned Jamie to sit closer.

Her body now touched mine. The sensation made my heart pound. I could feel it in my throat. Jamie’s hand began caressing the length of my neck. I reached my right hand around to the back of Jamie’s neck and brought her head close to my face. Our lips touched in slow motion. Feeling the change of their shape as the pressures varied and our mouths blended together. A feeling of an endless embrace, falling into the sensation, with no parting of lips ever to come. The depth of feelings traveling from my lips through my body, were nothing I had felt before. Everything was so new and alive. Her hands found places on my body where her skin melted through my clothing into my body. We had joined together as if one being possessed by another in a permanent embrace. No ending, just eternity.

Feeling all of this was a total surprise for me. I have desired feeling this way and never found a person I trusted enough to surrender to in this way. I love Scottie but she never understood my need for her to be patient. She was rough in as gentle a way as possible. But with Jamie, it was soft and sensual. No one ever touched me this way, not since the night my elusive dream was stolen. Dreams are what they are. I woke up and it was over. My life disappeared until I met Scottie. With her I regained life. One with safety and security and a very active sex life. One we enjoyed while high on drugs and alcohol.

It was a creative sex life. We experimented, trying anything new that seemed it would be exciting. But something was missing. Not anything inside of Scottie. It was inside of me, or better expressed, something missing from inside of my mind and body. A disconnection that occurred at a specific moment in the touch of love making. It was when my body wanted to give up control. My mind wouldn’t let go and my body followed. All shut down abruptly and completely. It was the end of feeling anything.

A dilemma which has consistently occurred throughout my life. It all started with one particular abuser. He stole something one cannot find after it has been taken. It was more than rape. It was stealing my sexual freedom. The art of completely letting go. Something most people desire in their life. I am able to do it with my painting and writing but not with my body. She doesn’t belong to me. Maybe it even does effect my art.

Jamie has reawakened something in me that only one other person was able to find. A complete abandon and enjoyment of freedom and letting go, releasing the spirit to scream in ecstasy, joy and bliss.

It may not be fair to Scottie. Never have I been with anyone sexually, where I willingly wanted someone to touch me. More than willingly. I could not resist wanting her hands on my body. Her lips touching mine. I wanted to be consumed by her. I wanted us to melt into each other where our energy and souls became one forever. Never to separate again.

I describe wanting her to touch me. She wasn’t the only one who wanted to touch someone. My hands wanted to reach out and touch her face, to make sure she was real, not in my imagination. Her skin was warm. Touching her skin made me feel electric. The nerves inside of me were lit by currents of energy. Every connection in my body was flowing together. I wanted to be lost in her forever.

I knew the moment must end. Life would return to normal but it was normal. I felt something alive and real. Someone who understood my fear and magically made it disappear. It’s not being sexual that brought me back to life. It was letting the touch in, and allowing myself to be free to feel her hands on my skin and inside my flesh. It was the joining of love.

I love Jamie. I always felt her specialness. We are soul mates of a different kind. Not what books are written about. No one writes about being made to feel whole with someone else, without it having to be sexual. It is a bonding that merges power and spiritual energy. A sharing of being alive and feeling real. It isn’t easy to do and is rarer than it should be. I have found it three times in my life. We all mistake sex for love. Sex is sex. Love may happen when sex is happening. But Love stands strongly on its own. Love is the power that makes everything alive and real. It is what I have been searching for my entire life. It is so special but rare. Be gentle when you find it. I hope I have found it with Jamie.

Don’t lose hope, Annie. I love Scottie and want to be with her beyond the beyond. But I want to be with Jamie, too. And all those people who I feel close with now and I have felt bonded with in my past. A short list but one I will feel connected to forever.

I have reached the end of this letter. There will be more. It is an interesting read, I am quite certain you found that out Annie.

But that is all for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

Before the end, I would like to send a thought to Jamie with all my love. I want to say to her, if I had the courage, I would tell you, it isn’t about sex at all. My abusers planted the dark seed inside of me and it blocked out the light so I could not see what was real. Just a distortion came through of moderating sex by ascribing it as the only way love is expressed. But that is a lie. It truly is not about sex. It is about bonding and feeling whole with the person you love. All relationships are different. The ones which make you come alive and feel real inside are rare. Treat them with respect and give freely of your love. This is the purist of feelings and the richest of relationships. A friendship created from out of the depths of pure love.

“The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return.”

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Two Naked Ladies - Anonymous

Two Naked Ladies – Anonymous

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

flower of great beauty purple dk and lt yellow

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Madison's Study/Library

Madison’s Study/Library

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Writings: Chapter #44 — Secrets and Signs

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #44 — Secrets and Signs

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 21st January 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #44 — Secrets and Signs

Tuesday 15th July 2008

Dear Annie,

I want to talk about my feelings for you. It never seems convenient for me to be open with you. What I feel, is something I don’t understand. No one ever taught me what love is. Love has been mixed up inside my head. It makes me feel I am bad for feeling love.

The truth. I was abused growing up. My family’s incest was sexual, sadistic and emotional abuse. Their white painted mansion was the playground for their sinder girl. Don’t know respect. She needs to learn she is nothing. A place I was the center of the abuse. That’s what I called home. I didn’t think of it that way. Not a place of love and nurturing for me. Every horrible experience I felt as a child happened in that place of horror. It wasn’t safe anywhere inside that house. Taking walks in the woods was dangerous. Our grounds were extensive. Someone seemed always to be watching me. Eventually they always found me. And I would be alone and vulnerable.

My father used me to get his friends to do him favors. I was their reward. They just took me away. One man, I remember someone calling him something official. Held a government position, and he was a child molester and rapist. That was dangerous. One of the times I was alone with him. He had started touching me. His hand felt like needles were piercing my skin. I wanted him to stop. My hand pushed his away. We even spoke out loud. “Please don’t touch me or I will tell.” A thought I had tried before without the threat of telling. Telling made it more dangerous. This brought on convincing threats of, “I’ll kill your family if you say a word.” His words were not a lie. He showed me by trying to kill me in that very moment. He stopped himself before he went to far but his eyes told me, he would kill them, and probably me too. No, he would definitely have me killed.

What could I do. Keep silent. No one ever talked about it. It felt like I was alone. No one else. It wasn’t happening to anyone else. They would feel I was worthless and contaminated. No one would care about me. No one does now. I will just leave everyone out of this. I am too embarrassed to say a word. Too ashamed.

I am living surrounded by abusers or the abused? Yes, I had another sibling who did not escape. He is locked up and catatonic now. The only time he is not catatonic is when all he can do is scream my name out that he wants to kill me. I am his betrayer. No idea why he thinks I betrayed him. All my life I have tried to protect him. It was all a secret. One day he blurted out, our oldest brother fucked him when he was little. I was fragile when he told me this. It made me freak out.

I turned to a female friend I had a crush on. She tried to help. But she had depressing news, to me it was. Why in that moment? Her boyfriend proposed to her. They were going to get married right away. It meant her moving away. I was struck by the deepest depression. She did move away after the wedding. Gone. I lost her. She was my first friend. She was the first person I told about the abuse. Not the whole nightmare. Just I had been abused. No one can handle the while thing. I can’t even handle it. Overload.

My friend was gone. I had no more focus. She kept me alive by being my friend. I loved her. She was the only person I could love. I thought she loved me enough to want to stay in my life. But she didn’t. My depression made me believe everything was over. I was despondent. I lost all reason to live. There was no one left to love. It was when I thought about my bottle of pills.

I sat on the edge of my bed. Taking the open bottle of pills, I poured out the content, a handful at a time. The darkness was pulling me deeper inside of it. The music was playing softly. Soon I would be asleep forever. Would my friend miss me if I were dead. The letter I wrote to her was about love. In the letter I wrote to my mother, I told her she finally got what she wanted. Me. Dead.

My head felt heavy as I lay down at the foot of my bed. All the pills were gone. Sleep felt like it was pulling me in. My mind was filled with the friend I loved. We were only teenagers. Who ends their life so early? Life was destroying me. Being alive without her was unthinkable, to painful, impossible. It was almost over. I was nearing the end of pain.

As you can see I am writing to you now. It was difficult but somehow I stopped the process from concluding. No one helped me back from that edge. I saved myself alone. No one ever knew. Just one more secret. My suicide attempt gave me the courage to seek out professional help. It was right after that night. I live with the thoughts of suicide too frequently. It runs through my mind and my life like a shadow of temptation. More the thinking about it then the doing now.

Lets change this up and take it to a totally different place. Back to my feelings about love. I know you know what love is. You make me feel it whenever I am around you. The words you say to me. I feel your love. No one has ever been as kind to me as you. What is important is I don’t know what I would do without you if you ever disappeared. It would crush me inside. I would want to die.

I see the words I use and wonder whether I can trust you not to be afraid of my feelings of love. If I told you I love you, would it make you want to run away? I fear the worse.

If you really knew what goes on inside of me, it’s the sound of confusion. Being bipolar for a long time has messed with my life. Awhile ago, I had a therapist and psychiatrist diagnose me with DID. It was a fucked up diagnosis I lived with for years. She even wanted me to name my alters and describe their characteristics. It was a curious perspective from which to think about myself. I really did split apart with the diagnosis. Was it thinking I had DID that caused the transformation? Or did I always have alters and worked through the phases and went through integration. I am not at all sure.

Sybill, the film with Sally Fields and Joanne Woodward, made me want her doctor. Being held and believed. To feel her arms around me and her eyes comforting me. This leads me to the truth. Truth is important to me. I don’t lie. There’s no sense to it. Simply put, I want you, Annie. To be like her doctor. If I could return to being a little girl again, with you. You could be the person who cared for me. It would feel more perfect then I could expect. It would make the world right for me. Is it possible for you to love me?

I better stop now. There is much more but I will save it for the next letter. Right now I am worried what I have already asked you in this letter. Is it going to make you feel angry or uncomfortable, or is it going to make you go away? Will you go away? Please don’t. I’m feeling a strong urge not to show you this letter. Maybe if I express myself in a poem and paint what I feel instead. It is more abstract. It may make more sense. Being understood is an obsession.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Loving You Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Bejin - Artist David Agenjo

Bejin – Artist David Agenjo

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

Bouquet of Roses and other Flowers - Artist Henri Fantin Latour

Bouquet of Roses and other Flowers – Artist Henri Fantin Latour

rain in garden gif

Shattered Love
By Madison Taylor
8th July 2008
Narrative Haiku

Shattered love breaks hearts
Are bleeding out on the ground
Why do I not cry?

Feelings have been crushed
Inside pain reflects harming
Take your hands off me

Skin feels bruises swell
Carving time on flesh burning
Memories remain

Giving birth no love
Start with hate never caring
Nurture not given

Meet an attraction
Is it love or sexual
Healing the inside

Touching with lightness
Need a gentle hand soothing
Trust is taming wild

One stroke of the hand
Is enough to begin love
Learning soft teaching

© madison taylor 2008

Illuminating Shadows - Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2008

Illuminating Shadows – Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2007

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

The Prince of Tides

prince of tides poster
The Prince of Tides
Film Review by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Created on 9th January 2014
Posted On Friday 10th January 2014
FILM FRIDAY

[WARNING: SOME ROUGH SCENES OF A VIOLENT SEXUAL NATURE. SUBJECT MATTER CAN BE DISTURBING]

2 prince of tides barbra as director

Barbra Streisand as Director of “The Prince of Tides”

“Prince of Tides” stars Barbra Streisand, Nick Nolte, Blythe Danner, and Kate Nelligan, plus George Carlin as the gay character who gives comic relief and lightens things up. Neighbor to Nick Nolte’s twin sister, Savannah. She starts out the film inside a hospital in serious condition after a suicide attempt.

3 prince of tides tom stunned w lowenstein

Tom Wingo [Nick Nolte] first visit to Dr. Lowenstein’s Office

There are certain scenes which can have a strong effect on many viewers. We are talking about VIOLENCE of the most disturbing kind.

Rare! The Prince of Tides – Behind the Scenes

My first times seeing this film were in a theatre. The totality of the film is so compelling, I needed to see it. When it first was released, it fit closely to psychological issues I was studying in my own mind.

Prince of Tides (Interpreting)

There is an under story carrying a huge secret. The entire film is absorbing, intense and the building of a relationship between the two lead characters of Dr. Lowenstein and Tom Wingo causes questions. One, he is married. Lowenstein is, also.

4 prince of tides 1st meal 2gether lowenstein tom

Tom Wingo [Nick Nolte] & Dr. Lowenstein [Barbra Streisand]

But this is not what throws me, it is the questions, “Is she treating him or seeing him as a go-between for his sister and their family and a way for her to understand what is hidden. Or is she trying to uncover Tom’s secret as well, to get to his sister’s. Which brings up the question, “Is he technically her patient, also?” 

5 prince of tides lowenstein behind desk

Dr. Lowenstein behind her office desk talking with Tom Wingo

This is one of the dilemmas for me in “The Prince of Tides.” An excellent film to create many discussions in so many areas needing the darkness and shadows cleared.

6 prince of tides tom in lowenstein's ofc

Tom Wingo in front of Dr. Lowenstein’s desk talking with the Doctor

It is a film that makes you think about trying to understand why life happens to you the way it does, with all it’s sudden surprises.

The Prince of Tides is such a story. It is about two worlds and two families. Secrets kept in one and not understanding love in the other.

9 nick-nolte-barbra-streisand-prince-tides-1991 tom lowenstein watch violin player husband

Tom with Lowenstein at dinner party listening to her famous husband Herbert play his Stradivarius violin

I am recommending “The Prince of Tides.” Pat Conroy wrote the novel & adapted the screenplay with Becky Johnston. The acting is incredible. Barbra Streisand, when I first saw this film, I envied Nick Nolte developing the relationship they did.

MSDPROF EC002

Tom and Lowenstein in park watching her son Bernard [Jason Gould, Streisand's son with Actor Elliot Gould]. Lowenstein hired Tom to teach him football.

What brings Tom to Dr. Lowenstein’s [Streisand] psychiatrist office? He is representing his family in a serious matter. His mother coerces him. Doesn’t believe she would be wanted.

Prince of Tides (Ethics)

What is revealed after Tom starts talking to Dr. Lowenstein is overwhelming at times when releasing the pain. His families life, when he was a child, had a great deal of manipulation and violence surrounding it.

8 prince_of_tides_the_1991 dancing

Tom and Lowenstein run into each other at one of Eddie’s parties [Savannah's neighbor played by George Carlin]

They jump between the flashbacks into Tom’s childhood and that of his siblings. Showing a brutal father and the questionable qualifications of their mother, also.

In the present, you see Tom spend some time with his sister who attempted to commit suicide and not the first time.  It is now time for talking to Dr. Lowenstein about his sister and the whole of the rest of his family, to sort out just what is so disturbing for Savannah.

MSDPROF EC067

Tom and Bernard after a good football learning work-out at park

There develops another layer between Lowenstein and Tom. They spend time together outside of her office. Technically, he is not her patient, his sister is. But things begin to get personal between the Doctor and Savannah’s brother Tom .

Lowenstein Holding Tom

Lowenstein Holding Tom

He meets her really irritating son, at first, and her arrogant, famous, violinist husband, who goes outside the barriers of rude to be a pompous, rich, elitist. Hairs get raised between Tom and Lowenstein’s husband. A violin comes between them. Lowenstein leaves. Tom follows.

When I first saw this film, the relationship between Tom and Lowenstein, I felt was crossing over the line. You decide. I am not sure any longer, for personal reasons.

13 The Prince of Tides (1991) lowenstein tom naked in bed

Lowenstein and Tom in bed at her vacation home

The film is about family, class, infidelity, a pain in the ass spouse, a misunderstood son, a nightmare that gets “buried.” Trauma everywhere in Tom and Savannah Wingo’s life.

Prince of Tides (Affective)

“The Prince of Tides” is emotionally charged with love and violence at their heights.

Be Warned, it is an Intense Film with traumatic scenes some may be disturbed by watching.

A note for the film, “The Prince of Tides” is the title of a book of poetry written by Savannah and dedicated to Tom. In the book this was different. It was a book Savannah wrote for their brother Luke. It was changed greatly in the screenplay. The central story switched from Luke Wingo, Tom & Savannah’s brother, being hunted and killed by government agents, to the love story between Tom and Lowenstein. I am drawn to the romance. Luke’s story is told in the book. Tom & Savannah’s story is told in the film in a deeply moving way. 

14 prince of tides tom and lowenstein at cottage in woods

Tom and Lowenstein feeling the loss

It is as great a film today, as the opening night in the theatre. Barbra Streisand did a fabulous job playing the role of Dr. Lowenstein and she was the excellent director of “The Prince of Tides.” The film was nominated for seven Academy Awards  including Best Picture, but lost the award to “The Silence of the Lambs.”

Film Review Written by Jennifer Kiley

The Prince of Tides – Trailer [1991]

Cast

Nick Nolte as Tom Wingo

Barbra Streisand as Dr. Susan Lowenstein

Blythe Danner as Sallie Wingo [Tom Wingo's wife]

Kate Nelligan as Lila Wingo Newbury [Tom & Savannah's mother & Luke's mother]

Jeroen Krabbé as Herbert Woodruff [Lowenstein's husband-the famous violinist]

Melinda Dillon as Savannah Wingo [Tom's twin sister]

George Carlin as Eddie Detreville [Savannah's gay neighbor]

Jason Gould as Bernard Woodruff [Lowenstein’s son and Streisand’s real life son with Elliott Gould

Growing A Good Marriage / Partnership [Same-Sex / Opposite-Sex]

remembering memories day any as happens
Growing A Good Marriage / Partnership
[Same-Sex / Opposite-Sex]

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Post Created on Sunday 13th October 2013
Posted On  October 2013
Remembering Memories

MaleFemaleSymbols

same-sex-marriage

all you need is love logo

symbols_interlocking_gender

cosmic all you need is love“Nine psychological tasks for a good marriage”

Task #1

Separate  emotionally  from  the  family   you  grew  up  in;
not to the point of estrangement, but enough so that your
identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings.

Task #2

Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and
identity, while at  the same time  set  boundaries  to
protect each partner’s autonomy.

Task #3

Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect
it  from  the  intrusions  of the workplace and family obligations.

Task #4

For  couples  with children,  embrace  the  daunting  roles of
parenthood and absorb the  impact  of  a   baby’s   entrance
into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting
the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.

Task #5

Confront and master the inevitable crises of life.

Task #6

Maintain the strength of the marital  bond in the
face of adversity. The marriage should  be a  safe
haven in which partners are able to express their
differences, anger and conflict.

Task #7

Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective
and to avoid boredom and isolation.

Task #8

Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying
each partner’s needs for dependency and
offering  continuing  encouragement  and
support.

Task #9

Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images
of falling in love, while facing the sober realities
of the changes wrought by time.

I would add a #10 Task: KISSING… View the following photographs, some Famous Screen Kisses, a Special Couple Sharing a Lovely Kiss & something Special which holds deep memories for me & I am sure for many, the Most Joyful & Most Sad Love Story of them all. And, No, I am not talking about the one that ‘issued’ the line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” That is total sh*t! No, I am speaking of the one written by the Greatest Wordsmith/Writer of them all, William Shakespeare. Enjoy the video with song & the Soundcloud with Dire Straits, which you probably already heard, if you had your sound turned on. by Jennifer Kiley

desert hearts kiss in rainScene from “Desert Hearts

barack & michellePresident Barack Obama & First Lady Michelle Obama

breakfast at tiffany kiss in the rainScene from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s

ghost demi & patrickScene from “Ghost

romeo & juliet kissScene from “Romeo & Juliet

titanic rose & jackScene from “Titanic

Love-moulin rouge nicole in song1024x409“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” ~ Moulin Rouge! [2001]

romeo & juliet let a hand do what lips doScene from “Romeo & Juliet”

ROMEO
(taking JULIET’s hand)
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this,
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.

ROMEO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.
They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.

ROMEO
Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take.

Kisses her

Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged.

JULIET
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO
Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

They kiss again

Romeo & Juliet — Leonardo DiCaprio & Claire Danes


Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits and Rafi Wazir

All love stories eventually have a sad ending. Sometimes early & too soon & other times, you are able to live to be old together. Either way, unfortunately in the physical plane, you always end up having to say goodbye. The really good part is that you have a love story or more than one to remember as you live your life. “All you need is Love.” Thank you, John Lennon & all the other Beatles. It is true, “All You Need Is Love.” “The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love and To Be Loved In Return.” [Moulin Rouge-2001]

Credit to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD,
Co-author of the book “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts”

“Nine psychological tasks for a good marriage”

Reproduced from the APA Link. American Psychological Association — APA Help Center.

The Wednesday Corner With Fycsene Shields

the secret keeper:

Love the experience of reading the first post and the artist Niamh Clune chose on the re-open of The Wednesday Corner. Fycsene Shields talent lies in many aspects from drawing to writing. She includes a tenderly written poem, I thought, at first, she was the poet behind the words. No, I was mistaken. I hadn’t read close enough the name of the poet. The poet touches your soul. The experience of reading and viewing what Fycsene Shields creatively offers had a powerful effect on my emotions and mind. Niamh Clune made a great choice to bring her On the Plum Tree. What a powerful description to finding a way through the pain of lose and how creative a path to discover what is within and around you. To find the spirit contained within not just the rock but her transformations of everything around her into something magical and memorable. I am moved by her written words and the images she placed in my own mind and the ones she shared in her amazing drawings. The poem touched me. It is so tender and moving. Thank you for sharing your experience, Fycsene Shields. And thank you Niamh, you made a great choice in Fycsene Shields to re-open The Wednesday Corner. A wonderful and an emotionally filled post. The tears of joy is a reassuring ending in the words of the artist who wrote them. Loved the experience of reading and viewing all and its powerful effects on ones emotions and thoughts. Life is a mixture and balance of emotions and moments changing so quickly sometimes. We try to adjust but it is difficult at times. Creating is a great way to find our way through. Thank you both. Do take a trip over and experience the specialness of this moving post on The Wednesday Corner On the Plum Tree. Jk the secret keeper

Originally posted on Plum Tree Books Blog:

It is a few weeks now since I posted a Wednesday Corner, due to the spectacular crash of the hard drive on my computer. I apologise to all those who have been waiting patiently for me to post their pieces. I have a lot of catching up to do.

However, I have great pleasure in introducing you to artist and poet Fycsene Shields.  Many thanks, Fycsene for your lovely piece. I know that you have suffered tragedy, and it is to people like you who find their way through such dark times that many of us turn when we are in need.

 

How many times a week do you feel inspired?

By Fycsene Shields

Have you felt the pure and fulfilled satisfaction of creating something beautiful?

Not something which is useful, or which will sell, but something which, by looking at it, brings a feeling of pleasure? Magical words…

View original 558 more words

Happy Birthday My Friend on Sunday 11th August 2013

Happy Birthday My Friend on Sunday 11th August 2013
Created For My Friend On Her Birthday
Love Jennifer
Jk ‘the secret keeper’
Posted On Sunday 11th August 2013
A Writer’s Word

A Rainbow Circle For You, Love Jennifer Happy Birthday

A Rainbow Circle For You, Love Jennifer
Happy Birthday

Gatsby's Rose --- Photographer Shawn MacKenzie

Temporal Distortion

Happy Birthday
I Wish I Could Give You
A Birthday Bear Hug
But I Guess These
Will Have To Do.
xoxoxoxoxoxox, Love, Jennifer

Happy Birthday Fairy Style

Words Streaming With Hidden Meaning
By Jennifer Kiley
Written 2012

Words Stringing Together
Meaning-Intimacy-Attachment-Special
Needing-Wanting-Any Order Will Do
The Eternal Definition:
[place your order] One With Everything [think about it]
Find Peace In Breathing Deeply
Writing-Star Light-Infinite Space
Love-Give-Give To You
Dream-Vision-Woman-Be Yourself
Be One-Love One-Love All-In Peace
Night-Time-Space Travel-All Is One
Be Here Now

© jennifer kiley 2013

A Rose For You by Leo Savitsky   It's Magical & Mystical Just Like You, Love Jk

A Rose For You by Leo Savitsky It’s Magical & Mystical Just Like You, Love Jk

Kindred Spirits
by Jennifer Kiley

Long ago in times past we met
You were known to me as another
And I found in you a stranger
Who I let into my life
You needed my help
It was offered and accepted

Slowly your newness wore off
Revealed was a gentle spirit
With the talent to move creation
You were a pagan, loving nature

We lived in hidden places
Being searched out by danger
We ended protecting the other
Finding closeness in our plight
Guarded by protective spirits

We found solace in one another
Your eyes watched over me
As mine watched over you
Our closeness grew with time
Our journeys had merged
Out of safety and from love
Our souls were joining
In mutual compassion
We became one

© jennifer kiley 2013

Elephant Walking Amongst the Trees

Love is…
by jayarrarr

Love walks a tightrope barefoot over a bottomless pit
engulfed in flames and never looks back.

Love conjures a smile through tears.

Love believes impossible things are possible.

Love is truth, and as such, is sometimes painful.

Love is necessary.

Love is the beauty that shines through cracks
in imperfectly broken things.

Love is hanging your arm out of an open car window
on a hot summer’s day road trip
and pretending to fly.

Love whispers “it gets better”.

Love makes you cry at weddings
and laugh at funerals.

Love pushes you, challenges you,
refuses to let you compromise.

Love never backs down no matter
how hard you fight.

Love is that one song you play over and over
a hundred times and never get tired of.

Love takes charge when you’ve lost all hope,
and makes sure you keep going.

Love thinks you’re amazing
and doesn’t give a fuck
how depressed, angry, ugly,
or stupid you feel.

Love is lightning bugs.

Love is spinning ‘round and ‘round
in circles until you fall down.

Love is the wave that knocks you off
your feet when your back is turned.

Love is stubborn,
and won’t take “no” for an answer.

Love is fearless.

Love is also blind, deaf, and dumb –
and that’s a good thing.

Peter Pan — Happy Birthday

love is…

My Thoughts Are With You Today

Birthday Fairy In Magical Forest

Amazing Visions

European Architecture — Night Vision

Abstract Tree of Black and White by Mark Chapwick

Abstract Tree of Black and White by Mark Chapwick

Love is…
Written by Jennifer Kiley
23rd July 2012

Love is…mysterious.

Love is…unconditional.

Love is…something that can take your breath away.

Love is…expected to be given to a baby when s/he is born.

Love is…spiritually powerful.

Love is…nurturing.

Love is…good.

Love is…a feeling.

Love is…falling into a pleasant state of ecstasy.

Love is…pure.

Love is…passionate.

Love is…spoken in poetic words that have no limit in the ways they are expressed.

Love is…what you feel for a friend one cares about in a gentle way.

Love is…gentle.

Love is…written about by all poets and writers.

Love is…the best part of most plays written by Shakespeare.

Love is…the most misunderstood communication between people.

Love is…an incredibly powerful word.

Love is…a feeling of intense devotion and heartfelt emotion for someone.

Love is…an intense word used when there are emotional feelings for someone special.

Love is…not something that can be easily explained. and you don’t truly know what it is until it happens to you.

Love is…a strong feeling of affection towards another.

Love is…talking on Skype and not wanting to end chat.

Love is…the happiest feeling in the world…it is better to have loved then to never loved at all.

Love is…a force of nature which, like any other natural phenomenon, cannot be civilized, contained or contended…a force which cannot be controlled, avoided, destroyed or escaped.

Love is…an emotion usually described as ‘indescribable’ because you cannot find the right word to match your feeling of being completely and utterly captivated by someone.

Love is…something too complicated to define according to The Encyclopedia Britannica.

Love is…an amazing feeling that almost makes your heart burst with this overwhelming passion for someone.

Love is…passion, romance. a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person.

Love is…a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person.

Love is…a zero score in tennis.

Love is…what drives you.

Love is…a great victory of human imagination over intelligence.

Love is…a rare psychological malfunction caused by an undetermined amount of interaction with another person.

Love is…someone making your heart smile, and making it sing with such exuberance that it will skip a beat from time to time.

Love is…healing.

Love is…comforting.

Love is…something that has made people insanely, foolishly, abnormally euphoric.

Love is…the ability to send one on an indescribable high, and make everything and anything so much better.

Love is…something that makes the world around you much more colourful, the people, much nicer, the conversations more insightful.

Love is…something with a shocking contrast, brought out by the darker side in us all, where people have murdered for love, stolen, hurt, and abused but I am not sure this really speaks for love but is a distortion and delusional interpretation of what love is and I felt it needed to be mentioned.

Love is…something that has sparked wars, and ended feuds, love has hurt, and love has healed, love has driven humankind to dizzying extremes, only to abruptly bring one back around.

Love is…an incredibly powerful word and emotion.

Love is…painful.

Love is…losing someone you love to the hands of death.

Love is…holding a warm, fluffy, purring kitty in your arms and they look up into your eyes, reflecting back the love you feel for them.

Love is…when you can feel comfortable being around that person you are with, no matter how you look, what you are wearing or if you are naked.

Love is…unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone.

Love is…an unconditional feeling that is felt, simply by being around her.

Love is…the absolute devotion you feel towards someone.

Love is…fierce.

Love is…when you realize you want to be with someone forever.

Love is…when you find something that you cannot live without or ever wish to be without.

Love is…something we think about, sing about, dream about, lose sleep worrying about it.

Love is…something when we don’t have it; we search for it; when we discover it; we don’t know what to do with it; when we have it; we fear losing it.

Love is…a constant source of pleasure and pain, but we can’t predict which it will be from one moment to the next.

Love is…a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

Love is…to give all of yourself to a person-s-cause and to expect nothing back.

Love is…a mental-physical-spiritual thing beyond human comprehension.

Love is…something that surpasses all understanding.

Love is…patient.

Love is…kind and envies no one.

Love is…never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, nor quick to take offense.

Love is…a feeling that delights in the truth.

Love is…something that can face anything.

Love is…limitless in its faith, its hope, and its endurance.

Love is…something that lasts forever.

Love is…saying that you care deeply about another person.

Love is…giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.

Love is…the desire to blend with their soul.

Love is…something that will make you do anything.

Love is…intense and passionate.

Love is…something that makes everything seem brighter, happier and more wonderful.

Love is…caring deeply about another person.

Love is…when every time you see this person you get butterflies in your stomach.

[this one is extra special for your birthday]
Love is…like being in wonderland without the red queen. Sometimes everything makes sense, other times no one cares.

© jennifer kiley 2013

I Just Called To Say I Love You-Stevie Wonder

hand letting go of golden flecks gif

Seasons of Our Dreams
By Jennifer Kiley
August 2013

Delicate will we prance on softness of grass;
leaves that trees must shed and piles
for the child within to crash upon;
angels in white falling into drops
of flaked, crystallized rain;
return of green from smallest sprout
one moment and blooming shades of gleaming greens
and flowers multiplying colours across the fields;
we travel round the seasons of our dreams
and moments found where love is felt
from tender shades of changes in our heart and soul;
we flow and go along in joy and bliss.

© jennifer kiley 2013

moving water gif

Flamme Abstrait de Couleurs par j. kiley

Roue de la Fortune — Souhait— Les Rêves se Réalisent par j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

happy birthday niamh

candle-flame-gif

To Make You Chuckle. 8-) Jk

To Make You Chuckle. 8-) Jk

Motion Set At Confusion

Motion Set At Confusion
Written By Jennifer Kiley
Written On 9th August 2013
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Illustrated by j. kiley
Post Created Friday 9th August 2013
Posted on Saturday 10th August
POETRY OUT LOUD

Abstract Fluid Acrylic Art by Mark Chadwick 855x960

Abstract Fluid Acrylic Art by Mark Chadwick

Motion Set At Confusion
By Jennifer Kiley
9th August 2013

Motion set at confusion
Blurring the thinker
With muddled perceptions
Visions not thought
Before clouding
The mind with fog
Opening doors
With no key holes
Entering rooms
Hiding memories

In stubbornness to be right
Distortions are recalled
Jumbled up feelings
Planting false senses
No attachments involved
Realities not real
Start stalking the truth
Hunting down lies
Destruction invented in minds

Vacate my head
Decease planting false visions
Leave reality alone
It belongs only to one
Desist in tampering
Playing psychic doctor
Credentials exceed limits
In this territory

Strength must be found
Undoing the damage caused
Tampering with beliefs
Complicate insecurities
With lies to protect lies
Begin the game of sacrifice
Trampling a person’s sanity
Darkness is blind evil
Match up exceeds power
Challenge has been accepted
Lost by resignation

Finally know identity
Words never can touch one
Whose strength exceeds any power of influence
Traps were set and sprung
Tested theories so weak
Allowed to enter the psyche
Chancing potential damage
Rescued before lies were set in stone
Fooling is not within power
Don’t see identity
Beyond authority
Power’s expanse
Its scope reaches farther limits
Will never touch with weakness

Power has been rejuvenated
After experiment failed to take hold
Bait was wasted
Practice on the weak
Shame on demonic demonstrations
The craven need for power
For total control
Letting go of the need to hold tight
Freedom is so much more enticing and inviting
The soul when free gives more to the dreamer
Without dreams are the broken ones
Healing and will continue to grow and heal
A continuous process learned through accepting
The serendipity of life and releasing the stronghold of death

When death comes will float into the ether
Until then will freely live life
Accept identity
All of one
Share with those love and trust
Love that grows within
That surrounds with sweetness
And renewal
Animals are the renewal of all things
The universe is a playground
Being alive
Accepting imperfections
Stop trying to steal identity
No longer welcome
In this world
It is over
Go away
Join the harmful ones
Trying to steal the innocent in all of us
You are a member of that gang now
Going to leave on life’s journey
You are not invited

© jennifer kiley 2013

“To Create Is To Destroy.”
— Jennifer Kiley-Letters of Import

Flamme Abstrait de Couleurs par j. kiley  (c) jennifer-kiley-2013  968x863

Flamme Abstrait de Couleurs par j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Didn’t Know My Own Strength — Whitney Houston

Quotation for Confusion:

“The things other people have put into my head, at any rate, do not fit together nicely, are often useless and ugly, are out of proportion with one another, are out of proportion with life as it really is outside my head.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

You Are Not Alone — Michael Jackson

Gatsby’s Story Will Never Be Over

Gatsby’s Story Will Never Be Over
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Photographs by Shawn MacKenzie
Post Created Tuesday 30th July 2013
Posted On Wednesday 31st July 2013
[born] Gatsby 2011 [died FIP] 29th July 2013

Gatsby-mum  to Poe  Parker  Carter  three kittens born 22nd April 2012

Gatsby-mum to Poe Parker Carter three kittens born 22nd April 2012

My meeting Gatsby for the first time was a wake up surprise. Shawn walked in while I was sleeping. Told me she had a surprise. I had wanted another kitten after our wonderful Spootiepaws died a short while back from cancer. Her death broke my heart. She was there with me in the late nights of writing and creating.

Gatsby with a promising look. We were going to love her and give her home for the rest of her life.  668x504

Gatsby with a promising look. We were going to love her and give her home for the rest of her life.

When I woke up, Shawn placed a cat carrier on the bed, opened it up and out jumped Gatsby. Of course, that wasn’t her name then. She was so affectionate, wanting to be pet over and over, rubbing both our hands, Shawn’s and mine. I have never seen such enthusiasm of love be so demonstrative immediately, seconds after meeting me.

Gatsby relaxing 951x772

Gatsby relaxing

What a surprise. I estimated her to be about 6 to 8 mos old. A kitten in all her playfulness. Surprise! I was so happy to have another member to our family and felt such immediate love for her.

gatsby6

Now we have a naming process in our home. We keep saying out names, seeing if they fit. We make lists. Give them time to sink in. Rate the names in a hierarchy. I am an avid F. Scott Fitzgerald fan and I love his book The Great Gatsby. Now you have to know we name all out animals, particularly cats with the first letter of “S” — it’s a peculiarity or eccentricity.

gatsby5

Confusing at times when you go to call one of them in particular. We have Sanji, Soyer, Spike, Sigmund, and Schroeder. We did have a Stuart Vincent Little, who lived a full life, and mentioned Spootiepaws earlier. Our parrot is named Saki, also. We do have a degue named Squeak and two chinchillas named Sagan and Sundance.

Sanji-an ally amongst the rest. Acted like a big brother.  Watched out for the wee ones.

Sanji-an ally amongst the rest. Acted like a big brother. Watched out for the wee ones.</em>

We went off course, though, when Gatsby arrived. We broke with tradition. Somehow, Gatsby’s name came up. I’m sure from both Shawn and myself. The rest of the list is gone from my mind now. I use to call her momma, or mother. She was like NaNa in Peter Pan. She kept us all in line. And she really did rule like a protective mother. She only let Sanji downstairs for the first months of her kittens lives. But I am getting ahead too soon.

On April 16th 2012 we found out from the vet Gatsby was pregnant

On April 16th 2012 we found out from the vet Gatsby was pregnant

We felt after a week the vet should give her a once over for her health. When Shawn got home she told me the “good” news (to me it was) and Shawn just wasn’t so sure about that idea. She wanted to give the kittens away after they were born and old enough to leave home.

Gatsby looking very pregnant

Gatsby looking very pregnant

I pouted. No way. I was going to do that. We came to a compromise eventually, I would let one of the kittens go to another home. (Secretly, no way was that going to happen.) Shawn didn’t want that either after we got the contest going for the kittens, when would they be born and how many. Niamh Clune won the when and I won the how many.

First day babies were born April 22nd 2012

First day babies were born April 22nd 2012

In the middle of the night on the softness and cushiness of the bed, Gatsby went into labor on April 22nd 2012. OMG the sound shattered glass. We both, Shawn and I, sat around Gatsby, trying to reassure her and assist in anyway possible. With each birth, the pain diminished. She was so efficient cleaning up each one immediately after they were born. All three were so tiny and so adorable.

Gatsby and kits sleeping on mat in new bathroom with sun shining in on them. They loved that spot   684x516

Gatsby and kits sleeping on mat in new bathroom with sun shining in on them. They loved that spot

This was the perfect moment to put in my pleas. We have to keep them. We were for one brief moment going to give the orange one with the most white away. No way. Not if either of us had a say. We gave them names. So they would start out life with some sort of individual identity.

Gatsby clan snuggling  676x849

Gatsby clan snuggling

The only old name that I recall was Scout. Scout became Carter aka Sparky & for a short while a nickname of Spanky. But now he is the Little Prince Carter. And we were going to choose him to be the one to give away.

Babies and Gatsby snuggling on floor in living room

Babies and Gatsby snuggling on floor in living room

I fell in love with them all, but most of all, I fell in love and so did Shawn, with Carter, the smallest and the grandest of Gatsby’s children. Carter has a posture like someone Oscar Wilde would write about in a play as a grand character. We never did give any away even though some people kept wanting to take Carter.

Baby Carter in his first box by himself

Baby Carter in his first box by himself

He was our charmer. He will always be our charmer. The sweetest of natures ever to be present in a Little Prince of Orange and some white. The eyes melt your heart. Carter’s eyes are so soulful. He was the slow starter, so he had to fight harder to do everything.

Prince Carter attempting to wink as he is sitting proud and brave in his favorite cat carrier.  766x577

Prince Carter attempting to wink as he is sitting proud and brave in his favorite cat carrier.

They all loved their mother intensely. The other two were given the fine names of Poe (b/c I am a Poe addict) and Parker, for the many Parkers, i.e Dorothy Parker.

Poe is 2 1/2 months old

Poe is 2 1/2 months old

Carter was named after a Wendy Wasserstein character in her play Uncommon Women. They may be names of woman but they are manly names just the same even if the boys are just so sweet. Carter is definitely metro-sexual.

Babies with Gatsby snuggling. Carter is the one with the white on top in center

Babies with Gatsby snuggling. Carter is the one with the white on top in center

Parker is the tough outer skin but with gentleness inside.

Parker with Sundance one of our chinchillas

Parker with Sundance one of our chinchillas

Poe is the super-demonstratively-most-affectionate kitten of them all. He could be pet for days and he would not want you to ever stop.

Poe at 3 1/2 months

Poe at 3 1/2 months

For the first month of their life there regular spot was usually with Mom Gatsby or on my lap or chest, sleeping soundly. Now I thought that would instill there wanting to continue the tradition when they got older, Nope. They like to sleep on beds and feet but no laps except Gatsby and that lap was Shawn’s. I rather tried to protect the egregiously overlooked cats that Gatsby confined to upstairs. So we were always having a struggle with balancing insecurities and tempers. I loved Gatsby and wanted her to love me.

Gatsby clan snuggling  785x592

Gatsby clan snuggling

Then there was the first night I was left to babysit. The kittens were maybe just over a week old at the time. Gatsby was feeding them on the bed on the first floor. Shawn was at her writers group. All was going well. I kept an eye on them while I made myself a pasta dinner. I put the sauce on in the microwave. Homemade, my own recipe. The water was boiling. In with the pasta and salt. I went back and forth to be sure all was okay with the kits and mom.

Gatsby being gutsy hiding the babies while I wasn't looking. Who Me.   681x607

Gatsby being gutsy hiding the babies while I wasn’t looking. Who Me.

Well, I left the room one too many times. A 15 second stir of the pasta so it wouldn’t stick ended up with me entering the room they were cozy in. Surprise! They were GONE. DISAPPEARED. OMG!!! I looked and listened for sound of any kind. Gatsby hid the kittens. WHERE??? I was starting to get just a touch frantic looking every place possible. Called Shawn, got her cell – voice mail – left frantic message – COME HOME RIGHT AFTER WRITERS GROUP ENDED — KITTENS MISSING. That was the vocal message. No response so I sent an urgent text. Still no response.

Privacy Please

I united pasta to sauce and put in a covered dish and proceeded to look for the little guys some more. Finally, I found them. They were as far out of reach as possible behind my reclining chair, which was kitten proofed. It was a dangerous spot to crawl into and impossible to get anyone out from under. Thank goodness we foresaw that possibility.

Gatsby so proud of herself. I couldn't eat until I found her hiding place  784x591

Gatsby so proud of herself. I couldn’t eat until I found her hiding place

Ok, how was I going to get them out? I couldn’t reach with my arms. Too deep. Way back. Smart. I thought they are sleeping on a towel we placed behind there where the cats liked to sleep. I tried easing the towel out. No luck. A cane. A wooden cane. I used it ever so gingerly and was able to retrieve each kitten one at a time. Keep in mind, once I had a kitten, I could not put him down or Gatsby would take him someplace else to hide.

Gatsby Parker and Poe  882x665

Gatsby Parker and Poe

Eventually, I had collected them all. Never even woke up. So here I am with an arm full of kittens. I could actually hold them all in one hand if held against my body. I got my food. By now it was cold spaghetti. Not bad. With the kittens asleep in my left hand I placed the pasta bowl on my lap and with one hand, my right, I eat my dinner very carefully. It tasted good and I was hungry after all that excitement. It wasn’t over though.

Gatsby nursing kids. That's what she wanted to do so I told her she could get in my lap and do it there. She took me up on the offer while I ate and we all waited for Shawn to return   796x600

Gatsby nursing kids. That’s what she wanted to do so I told her she could get in my lap and do it there. She took me up on the offer while I ate and we all waited for Shawn to return

Gatsby kept wanting to take the kittens away from me, but I wasn’t about to let her hide them again. Told her if she wanted to, she could climb onto my lap and feed them while I held her and the kittens. She seemed to like this idea. Told her I wasn’t letting them go until Shawn got home and set up a deep box behind my reclining chair, with lots of soft cloth to make a bed. Gatsby could have her space and keep her kittens safe in that place and after all she was the one who chose it.

Gatsby clan snuggling  785x592

Gatsby clan snuggling

Well, to come to an end of this saga, Shawn did just that after she got home. I relayed the story to her. So that is where the kittens spent most of their sleeping and nursing time. Only one entrance that Gatsby had to protect. They came out several times a day to be held and socialized with us and the other cats when Gatsby would allow them to come near her charges.

Bungalow for Gatsby clan. They sacked out here often  656x584

Bungalow for Gatsby clan. They sacked out here often

The rest of the story was all about balancing the hierarchy and trying to stop aggression between who was going to protect who. Sanji was Gatsby’s ally. He is a very large Black Maine Coon mix.

Sanji the big brave Big Brother and Protector for Gatsby to keep her babies Poe Parker and Carter safe and give her reassurance

Sanji the big brave Big Brother and Protector for Gatsby to keep her babies Poe Parker and Carter safe and give her reassurance

No one messes with him so that meant no on messed with the kits and mom. But she actually took care of any transgressions herself. She was one fierce M*ther F@#ker. I wouldn’t want her mad at me.

Gatsby with Poe Parker and Carter looking right at you   1036x780

Gatsby with Poe Parker and Carter looking right at you

Eventually, all settled down and everyone could come and go except Soyer. She was constantly in a state of WTF. She didn’t know when to feel safe. We tried to reassure her. I was on her side and Gatsby was with Shawn. Soyer was originally a stray wild kitten that Shawn gave me as a coming home present from the hospital. It took her a long while to catch her and bring her inside.

Gatsby clan on stove vent  815x633

Gatsby clan on stove vent

Now that Gatsby is no longer with us, Soyer is the only beneficiary. I am sure she will not miss the animosity. But the rest of us feel her loss in a painful and really sad and tearful way. She gave us the present of Carter-Poe & Parker, who I sometimes like to call Patrick. I have odd nicknames for a lot of the animals. They respond so they don’t seem to mind.

Carter and Gatsby loved hanging out in the basket on top of the degues habitat

Carter and Gatsby loved hanging out in the basket on top of the degues habitat

It is awfully quiet in our home today. The fans are off but it’s more then that. A huge spirit that embodied so much love. I was always trying to win her favour. Always doing special things for her. I wanted her to love me and I believe if given more time she would have come around and realized just how much I loved her. On the first day, I was and she was able to show that affection and love. But now she is gone and I will never get to know her as well as I would have wanted to. I gave her a lot of affection over the last days of her life and she let me. I would try to every other day before that but she was being stubborn. But I just kept trying. I am a very determined female, just as she was.

Prince Carter will be the wise and guide his brothers through. He may be the last born and the latest to develop but he is filled with soul and heart. 848x638

Prince Carter will be the wise one and guide his brothers through. He may be the last born and the latest to develop but he is filled with soul and heart. He is the chosen one. The one that will work together with Sanji to guide the clan as Gatsby watches over us to be sure all goes well.

Prince Carter of Wisdom and Truth. This young boy is one of the three gifts Gatsby gave to us. She would want us to keep him safe along with his brothers Poe and Parker. She came to us for a home and we gave it to her and in return she gave us the blessings of love in the highest scores possible.

Losing her and losing so many of our animals is so painful but it doesn’t stop us from opening our home to a kitty who needs a good home, food and love. And some little critters that are in need, also.

Escape Into the Unknown — Remember When It Rained
Gatsby you came to us from out of the freezing rain and scary night to escape from the storms and you found a home filled with love for you. It may have been a short time but your stay with us was an experience of life and love. A place to leave your charges where they will be safe and well looked after for all of their lives. This we promised you when you came into our family, your family, and your children, our children’s family. You will always be with us in their hearts as they have their adventures in life. They will always know love and care. Most important they will have a family who will cherish them forever as we cherished you and they adored and loved you. You were the best mum ever a kitten could have been so lucky to be born to.

This story was for you Gatsby. I just wanted you to know how much we shared even if you didn’t let on you knew that already. I am going to miss you. Your kids are going to wonder where is their mom. Why did she just disappear? And Shawn’s heart is broken because once again she has been robbed of being able to have her tortoiseshell cat that she’s always wanted to love. It seems they are always taken away from her long before its time for them to go.

Sorry Shawn.

Gatsby with a promising look. We were going to love her and give her home for the rest of her life.  668x504

Gatsby with a promising look. We were going to love her and give her home for the rest of her life.

Goodbye Gatsby. We have all your music videos and photos that Shawn took and made. You will always be remembered. Your little guys will keep your memory alive probably for the rest of their lives and ours. Love is what we will always feel for you and we will take great care of your kids for you. You know we have always loved them and we will love them and you forever.

Love, Jennifer
One of Two of Gatsby’s Mothers…
@>-;— play with all of our other charges. I am sure they will welcome you with open arms and lots of stories and lots of time to play forever until we someday can join you all.

In Memory of Gatsby — Created by Jennifer Kiley
The Swan from the Carnival of Animals — Yo-Yo Ma

The following is a treat for all of Gatsby’s Kids. They love their TV Set. I thought I would show some samplings from the viewing that they do on it. A few still shots and a video of the entertainment. I think Gatsby would approve. She enjoy this program herself. In Memory of Gatsby I present the Tuck and Gonzo Show. Stay Tuned.

Tuck and Gonzo, the exotic in orange and the darker one wild. They are the kittens TV, especially Parker and Poe. Carter is not as interested.

Tuck and Gonzo, the exotic in orange and the darker one wild. They are the kittens TV, especially Parker and Poe. Carter is not as interested.

tuck and gonzo 4

tuck and gonzo 3

tuck and gonzo 2

tuck and gonzo 1

Mice running on wheel having fun while being a TV Set for some cute adorable kittens, almost cats.

Private Writings: Chapter #17 — Infatuation to Fantasy

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013
Private Writings: Chapter #17 — Infatuation to Fantasy
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Intro and First Letter Published March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 9th July 2013
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Private Writings: Chapter #17 — Infatuation to Fantasy

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008

Dear Annie,

Tales of my history has been greatly exaggerated. Not really. I never talk about it. Once I made the mistake of making a list of sex partners. I do not include abusers, pedophiles. That wasn’t sex. It had nothing to do with sex. They were all about abuse, power and control. Overpowering a child, what the fuck is that. You really are showing your sexual prowess. Not really. More like your sexual impotency and powerlessness. There is nothing in me feeling empathy for a pedophile. They are are lower than the scum on scum of the scum of the earth.

I made the list. Don’t we all. If not on paper, at least in our heads. Mine, I needed to write down, otherwise, I would lose count. The length or number of partners is created by a mix of sexual abuse and bipolar hyper-sexuality. Which when I look back and compare behavior with symptoms I am aware of today, match up perfectly with a combination of complex-PTSD and Bipolar competing in a challenge. Results are, who can create the most havoc, do the most damage and instill the most shame.

I am a card carrying lesbian. It has nothing to do with my abuse, bipolar or not getting love from my mother, father or anyone in my family except one. So when sex officially starts for me, on the record, my earlier male sex partners, I promise this could be a long story, but right to the point, I will state, all turned out to be gay. It is funny if you think about it. My abusers were from both sexes, all qualify as pedophiles but I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of considering or registering them as gay or lesbian. Being gay or lesbian is an honour. I would include in this group, transsexuals, bisexuals, asexuals, pansexuals, and even our friendly heterosexuals.

Excluded are homophobic-sexuals, fundamentalist-sexuals, evangelical-sexuals, westboro southern baptist-hatred-sexuals, tea bagger-sexuals, homophobic-homosexuals-in-the-closet-sexuals-who-hate-homosexuals & pass-laws-to-make- homosexuality-or-any-sexuality-illegal-hate-women’s-rights-sexuals, and chicken-shit-republicans-who-haven’t-the-guts-or-balls-to-stand-up-to-the-mother-fuckers. This may not cover all of them but touches on some of the basic haters of anything sexual. Ah, one more inclusive group, those-who-think & feel-they-have-the-rights-over-womens-bodies & can-do-what-they-want-including-mutilation-murder-&-honour-killing-mother-fuckers.

Now back to something pleasant. My first gay bar, I ran into a guy I went to college with and yes we did the euphemism of sleeping together. We had sex. We worked on the college paper. He was my top editor when I was editor-in-chief. Now, back to the present. Here comes the stupid question. “What are you doing here?” He laughed, with his shit eating grin. “Are you kidding?” was his reply. “The same thing you are.”

Now how stupid am I. We were both there. It was a gay and lesbian bar. Dancing and booze, drugs on the down-low. Pretty much everyone was stoned out of their fucking minds on weed, poppers, hallucinogens, anything available. It was floating around the room or outside, you could find clusters smoking grass or hash. Before crack, thank you very much. All we wanted was a safe place to enjoy our major attractions, the same sex.

My buddy from college talked with me a long time that night. Found out the strangest things in our conversation. Turned out, he slept with the same guy I called my toker smoker sex buddy. With him I had a basic arrangement. He supplied the music, the smoke, the place and I would supply the sex. Not knowing about the bipolar proclivity to hyper-sexuality back then, I would safely say now I fell deeply into the category of someone who was hyper-sexual. It may have been the wrong sex but it was a need I had to satisfy. Never liked it, but did it anyway. Felt nothing. That’s not totally honest. Once, when I had the top, I got a major surprise. That was the first and only time ever. When you’ve being raped that position isn’t something rapists use. When he is fucking you he wants to see the damage he is causing and the power he is wielding.

I need a good, no, a great psychoanalyst. You, Annie. Dr. George is not long for my world. When he’s gone, I need you. He needs to disappear. Gone. Cleansed from my brain. Then I start new with you. You need to come through for me. Please.

Maybe a change of subject is needed. I don’t want to think about him or his fucking prick. I want to talk about something else. Someone else. Sarah. Her presence almost gave me a heart attack. What the fuck was he thinking springing her on the group. Don’t misunderstand. I want her there, Oh, most definitely. When she started talking, I could barely breath. My eyes were on her. Her voice, her hair, the colour of her eyes, so blue, every feature. I time traveled. Then those words she spoke. Nearly fell on the floor. She announced, “I am a lesbian.” At that very moment I fell in love. It’s not like she wasn’t looking at me with something special in her own eyes. I would swear she was flirting with me like she knew me.

What the fuck came over me. She’s so familiar. I know her. I’m sure of it. But my brain has amnesia. Why is she so fucking familiar? And another thing, I can’t seem to stop swearing. My anger is seething through every pore. I want to punch someone, I am so angry. I think it’s this film we’re working on. Scottie’s always away. I hate that.

I’m going to change the subject for a moment. I think it’s time to tell you the title of our film. I came up it one night. It just floated from my subconscious when I was talking with Scottie. I just said, “Stop! I got it. The film’s name is “Brief Sacrifice.” Tell me that isn’t cool, Scottie.” She liked it. Then she fell in love with the title. But, damn it, it’s taking Scottie away all the time now. There have been some weird problems. I think there’s a curse on the film. That damned briefcase.

You will never guess how the main character got it open. Before I tell you part of the secret, I think you need to know the main character’s name. I told you the title, I might as well fill you in on some other details, Her name, which I feel is quite brilliant of me and Scottie did help. In fact, she helped a lot. She said, she liked the name I decided on. After throwing out names I found online for hours. I found it. Her name is Carter McLeod. She’s British and simply divine. The films takes place in London, mostly, and a few other places. But not going there yet. Now isn’t that the coolest name. I see a future for her. Carter McLeod. I just love the sound of it. And now, I know you will want to know who’s playing Carter McLeod. Scottie decided on one of my favorite new British actors. Try to guess. I’ll give you a hint. She was nominated for a BAFTA for Best Actress in 2007. Yes, she was. She should have won. I think she was robbed. I can’t even remember who beat her. Let me put you out of your misery. My all time favorite actor right now. It’s Jamie Stansfield. I just dream about her. Beautiful, androgynous and sexy. Knowing she is playing the character I wrote is such a satisfying feeling. It’s sure to draw a huge audience. But back to what’s going on with that damned briefcase.

There is a secret pocket hidden on the surface of the leather. Undetectable. But Carter just kept running her hands over the surface, feeling for anything unusual. It’s like she were psychic. She found a thin line, like an old scar. It didn’t happen right away. Finding it, you would think was the difficult part. No, it wasn’t. How to get underneath the surface of the skin of the case, that was a whole other nightmare. That’s for next time I write.

I gave you the character’s name, and told you who the actor is playing the part. She really is great. Whenever I was on the set during the filming, I couldn’t believe Scottie got her to sign the contract. But Scottie can charm anyone, she’s so gorgeous and radiant, such a subtle quiet charm. Plus Scottie Andrews has the director’s touch, and everyone knows it, and wants to work with her. She melts everybody who meets, female and male, but hands off, she’s mine. I’ll scratch anyone’s eyes out that try to come between us.

It just came to me. I must be losing my mind. I just realized who Sarah is. Damned idiot, I am. She’s Sarah Prentice. She made at least two films with Scottie. She’s acted the words I’ve written. Oh, my god, how the hell could I forget who she is. She looks so much like Tosh. Like they were twins. You do know who Alison Porter is, right? No one breathed a word. I know they were recent films. My short term memory is too fucked up. The films haven’t been released yet. That’s why. Post-production. Scottie works on so many films. I can’t keep track. Even if I’m the one writing them. Once in her hands, I only check in when rewrites are needed. I do like some of the sets but not great about being around people. And when they’re famous, the crowds gather and that really freaks me out. Usually stay home and Skype or email the changes. Talk on Skype with Scottie all the time that way. Holy, shit. Sarah Prentice. I am in love with her.

You did know who Tosh was.Sarah is so much like her. Tosh was a singer. She composed her own music. It was so poetic. The lyrics crushed your heart. Where she found that pain. I only knew her such a short time. I never mentioned why we met or how. At least, I don’t think I did. Scottie approached her about using some of her music in one of her films. I keep saying her films. I feel they are our films. If she didn’t have my story and words, there wouldn’t be a film. I digress. Sorry. Scottie contacted Tosh’s manager or one of her people did. But Scottie talked directly with Tosh. They hit it off. She liked Scottie’s films. Anyway, Scottie invited her to our home for dinner. Over champagne, tokes of smoke, and great Italian cuisine, we both fell in love with her. Now, don’t worry about Scottie. Tosh was someone special but I wasn’t going to ever leave Scottie for anyone, no matter what I felt. Tosh, though, she tore my heart out. I was so in love. It was so special. She didn’t want sex. She wanted to show me what love was. Scottie is shy and she loves me but it wasn’t the same thing.

How do I explain when you meet a soul mate that you’ve known through a hundred lifetimes. That was Tosh. Scottie and I are new in our life times. We debated in past lives. Like great philosophers who could never convince the other of their conclusions as being the one that had the right answers or at least, the most accurate of conclusions. We were philosophers together. Tosh was Sappho. She was the lover of women. She knew the melody, the poetry, how to tenderly touch inside your soul, without ever touching any part of your flesh. She respected my restrictions. Her sensitivity picked up my reluctance to have physical contact. Scottie, also, understood that restriction. We did make love, Scottie and I, but I always had to stop. It just freaked me out. Scottie promised she could accept that from me. She would never force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. It’s just that, I can’t do anything.

Tosh reached me in other ways. I wrote about her kiss. It was light as a butterfly on your naked skin. It didn’t threaten. It was as far away from forceful as one could find. She wrote music for me. I listen to it all the time. It is part of the memory that I have left of her.

I am tired. This is all I can write this week. I will add one thing. Seeing Sarah makes me feel like there is promise for the future. Not everything is about loss.

Now you just have to stay on my side and help me heal. I need deep healing from someone who can reach inside of me the way your feelings do. I trust you Annie. Don’t ever go away.

That is all I have to give for now. Wow. How amazing is life.

Fondly,
Madison

ATTENTION ANNIE: At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, I am freeing myself up to write whatever without censorship. On some future date, if trust grows, I will release my letters to you. What I write in honesty, I will keep confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages.
Regards,
Madison Taylor

Fantasy Sets for Film: BRIEF SACRIFICE with Lead Character CARTER MCLEOD. {played by BAFTA Nominated Actor JAMIE STANSFIELD} Savannah Cats are Carter’s. Screenplay: MADISON TAYLOR. Director: SCOTTIE ANDREWS

brief sacrifice mansion-film set  723x458

Brief Sacrifice mansion — film set

brief sacrifice --- rustic den film set  768x579

Brief Sacrifice — rustic den film set

brief sacrifice  jasper-jax & james in foreground  savannah kittens when they were 4 weeks old  705x818

Brief Sacrifice — Jasper — Jax & James in foreground — Savannah kittens when they were 4 weeks old – grown up in film

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

flowing liquid gold (1)it’s flowing liquid gold

4p a world in tree greena world in tree green

hands reaching out into rain

Infatuation To Fantasy
By Madison Taylor
January 21st 2008

A star sparkling in my presence
Heat and fire escape from her eyes
Wildness – courage and strength
Pour from her soul
Calling out to me
Noticing me as I notice her
Feeling her touch
Caressing softly-a feather’s down

A bird sits on my shoulder
Speaking her language
Whispering into my ear
Translating her messages
As she meant them for me
Such personal meanings
Making me blush
A hue of pale cardinal
The quickness of blood
Rushing the surface of my flesh
So secret in meaning
Attempts to comprehend the crypticism
Expressing my shyness
As she mimics my spirit

My hesitancy to approach
The newness inside of us
Though powerful in character
Certain reservations necessary
Need not rush
No need to overwhelm
Subtlety is more sensuous
Building to a slow crescendo
Oh-so much more enticing
The intrigue has time to grow
Developing in slow motion

Sensations growing inside
Building outward
Climbing higher
Touching the center
My body’s restrictions releasing
Allowing entrance to secrets
Releasing dreams
Creating meaning

My throat’s breathing
In shallow motions
Sounds effecting my senses
Opening the pathway
Wanting to scream
Holding back
Becoming too restrictive
Overtaking control
Release happens
Pleasure surrendered
Now falling backwards
Overcome by falling
Relaxation overwhelming
The awakened state slipping away
Morpheus calling out for dreams
Eyes close in the darkness
Unconsciousness drifting
Lifting floating body
Awareness liberated
Sleep thoroughly attained

© madison taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

le chateau de rocher by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013Le Chateau de Rocher is the home of Madison and Scottie and their three cats Mikey, Toker and Patrick

le chateau de rocher art gallery

Le Chateau de Rocher Art Gallery

QUOTATIONS from Private Writings

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poe

QUOTATIONS on INFATUATION:

“The world was collapsing, and the only thing that really mattered to me was that she was alive.” ― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn’t stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren’t having any of those.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

“Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.”
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

“I think it is all a matter of love; the more you love a memory the stronger and stranger it becomes” ― Vladimir Nabokov

“What she had realised was that love was that moment when your heart was about to burst.” ― Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

“When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“I feel intensely about the physical form of the female body. The smooth caressing line of the breasts. Followed by all parts of a woman are so soft and touchable. The heights one can take the sensations when making love. With a therapist who is male, they do not have this form that causes desire to bloom. It is just plain out inappropriate behavior and throw in a touch of sexual harassment to boot. I don’t want to see any man’s junk unless it is on screen and only if it is actually quite lovely. But I do not want my analyst going anywhere near that subject matter unless I am talking about an abuser raping me. Enough said.” — Madison Taylor, Letters of Import: Infatuation To Fantasy 17

FIRST ART ACQUISITION OUTSIDE OF INHERITANCE

entering the soul connection

The Soul Connection

play is not just play meryl streep