“I Still Cry”

creative musings [dragon]

“I Still Cry”

Song by Ilse de Lange

Post by Jennifer Kiley

Post Saturday 27th September 2014

 

Too many have died or gone for reasons that sense has no clarification for. They were ripped away suddenly. “I Still Cry” sometimes when I think of the Ones I love who live in my heart. It is the symbol of One who has died through the incarnations. When reborn and found again, the time is short, intense and painful when the release happens again. Her death and her life being taken away, is a repetition I must continue to find strength within to survive. She is in the eyes of strangers. In their voices and the masks they all wear as a disguise. Pretending, in my mind, to be the One. The disappointment eventually strikes and the pain returns in the strongest and fullest force possible. This song is for all those who have lost Love felt so deeply, that their absence pulls you into their death to guide them through. The sadness and pain is ripped open wide and your heart is pulled out through the hole which once was filled by their presence. I DEDICATE THIS TO THE ONE WHO CONTINUES TO BE BY MY SIDE EVEN IF FROM THE OTHER SIDE AND TO THOSE WHO RESURRECT THE FEELINGS I LOST INSIDE OF HER. <3 jkm

Autumn_fae_by_Lillucyka

“I Still Cry” – Ilse de Lange

“I Still Cry”
Sung by Ilse de Lange

I’m making flowers out of paper
While darkness takes the afternoon
I know that they won’t last forever
But real ones fade away to soon

blue eyed young woman tears falling slowly down cheek

Chorus :
I still cry sometimes when I remember you
I still cry sometimes when I hear your name
I said goodbye and I know you’re alright now
But when the leaves start falling down I still cry

It’s just that I recall September
It’s just that I still hear your song
It’s just I can’t seem to remember
Forever more those days are gone

autumn_bridge_in_russia

Chorus :
I still cry sometimes when I remember you
I still cry sometimes when I hear your name
I said goodbye and I know you’re alright now
But when the leaves start falling down I still cry

crying faerie silver sparkles

I still cry sometimes when I remember you
I still cry sometimes when I hear your name
I said goodbye and i know you’re alright now
But when the leaves start falling down I still cry
But when the leaves start falling down I still cry

Autumn-Painting

*       *        *        *       *       *       *

“Momentos” – A Short Film

i heart short films
“Momentos” – A Short Film
Post Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 21st April 2014
Posted Friday 29th August 2014
I <3 SHORT FILMS

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SMILE THROUGH YOUR TEARS?
PREPARE FOR A MOVING STORY OF ODD OCCURRENCES
LEADING TO WHAT FOR A MAN SLEEPING ON THE SIDEWALK
UP AGAINST A WALL ENCASED WITH A PLATE GLASS WINDOWS
IT INVOLVED TV AND SEEING YOUR SELF IN A REFLECTION
AND THERE ARE MANY THINGS IN LIFE THAT NEED A MIRROR
FINDING THIS SHORT FILM WAS A GIFT. WATCH CAREFULLY

here, i give to you “Momentos”

Momentos-Nuno Rocha

twitter.com/nrocha

AWARDS:

Cinematic Achievement Award – Thess International Short Film Festival – Greece

Audience Award – Honfleur Film Festival – France

Best Short and Audience Award – Arouca Film Festival – Portugal

Audience Award – Naoussa International Film Festival – Greece

Audience Award – Opuzen Film Festival – Croatia

Audience Award – Enfoque Film Festival – Puerto Rico

This is a short-film I wrote and directed for LG. The concept, “Life’s good” was the main purpose of this work.

A Heartfelt Goodbye To Virginia Woolf 73 Years Later

the-living-word make the writer's diary

The Living Word

A Heartfelt Goodbye to Virginia Woolf 73 Years Later
25 January 1882 – 28 March 1941
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 23rd March 2014
Posted Friday 28th March 2014
A TRIBUTE TO VIRGINIA WOOLF

virginia woolf a writer's life quote over photo“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”

“Books are the mirrors of the soul.”

I can only note that the past is beautiful
because one never realises an emotion at the time.
It expands later, and thus we don’t have complete
emotions about the present, only about the past.”

“The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages.”

“Love, the poet said, is woman’s whole existence.”

“The truth is, I often like women. I like their
unconventionality. I like their completeness. I
like their anonymity. ”

“I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and
I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”

“All extremes of feeling are allied with madness.”

“For it would seem – her case proved it – that we
write, not with the fingers, but with the whole
person. The nerve which controls the pen winds
itself about every fibre of our being, threads
the heart, pierces the liver.”

“I am reading six books at once, the only way of
reading; since, as you will agree, one book is
only a single unaccompanied note, and to get the
full sound, one needs ten others at the same time.”

“So long as you write what you wish to write, that
is all that matters; and whether it matters for
ages or only for hours, nobody can say.”

“When I cannot see words curling like rings of
smoke round me I am in darkness—I am nothing.”

“It is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the sub-
merged truth sometimes makes its way to the surface.”

“For now she need not think of anybody. She could be
herself, by herself. And that was what now she often
felt the need of – to think; well not even to think.
To be silent; to be alone. All the being and the doing,
expansive, glittering, vocal, evaporated; and one shrunk,
with a sense of solemnity, to being oneself, a wedge-
shaped core of darkness, something invisible to others…
and this self having shed its attachments was free for
the strangest adventures.”

“Fiction is like a spider’s web, attached ever so lightly
perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners.”

“Was not writing poetry a secret transaction, a voice
answering a voice?”

“Let us again pretend that life is a solid substance,
shaped like a globe, which we turn about in our fingers.
Let us pretend that we can make out a plain and logical
story, so that when one matter is despatched—love for
instance—we go on, in an orderly manner, to the next.”

“The only advice, indeed, that one person can give another
about reading is to take no advice, to follow your own
instincts, to use your own reason, to come to your own
conclusions. If this is agreed between us, then I feel at
liberty to put forward a few ideas and suggestions because
you will not allow them to fetter that independence which
is the most important quality that a reader can possess.
After all, what laws can be laid down about books? The
battle of Waterloo was certainly fought on a certain day;
but is Hamlet a better play than Lear? Nobody can say.
Each must decide that question for himself. To admit
authorities, however heavily furred and gowned, into our
libraries and let them tell us how to read, what to read,
what value to place upon what we read, is to destroy the
spirit of freedom which is the breath of those sanctuaries.
Everywhere else we may be bound by laws and conventions-
there we have none.”

“The most extraordinary thing about writing is that
when you’ve struck the right vein, tiredness goes.”

“…who shall measure the heat and violence of a poet’s
heart when caught and tangled in a woman’s body?”

“I feel so intensely the delights of shutting oneself
up in a little world of one’s own, with pictures and
music and everything beautiful.”

“By the truth we are undone. Life is a dream. ‘Tis the
waking that kills us. He who robs us of our dreams robs
us of our life.”

— Virginia Woolf [from Her Books & Diaries]

virginia & leonard woolf 1939 National Photo Gallery London 'the dinner party' virginia woolf

Virginia & Leonard Woolf 1939
National Photo Gallery London
The Dinner Party: Virginia Woolf

Virginia Woolf’s Handwritten Suicide Note to Her Husband Leonard: A Painful & Poignant Farewell [1941]

Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that—everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.

virginia woolf's monk's house garden

Virginia Woolf’s Monk’s House Garden

Leonard buried Virginia’s ashes under the two intertwined Elm trees in their backyard at Monk’s House, their summer home in Sussex. The Elm trees in which they had nicknamed “Virginia and Leonard,” the spot was marked with a stone tablet engraved with the last lines from her novel The Waves: “Against you I fling myself, unvanquished and unyielding, O Death! The waves crashed on the shore.” After Leonard Woolf died on August 14, 1969, he was cremated and his ashes were buried next to Virginia’s under the Elm Trees at Monk’s House.

The following piece of music composed by Beethoven was to be the music played at Virginia Woolf’s and Leonard Woolf’s cremation ceremony. Leonard was so filled with grief, another piece of music was played but when he was home, he played Beethoven: String Quartet Op. 130. V. Cantina: adagio molto expressivo. It is most beautiful and soothing piece of music. I understand why Virginia and Leonard Woolf chose this piece of music. It is beautiful. It gives me a sense of being with Virginia Woolf who I admire with a fullness in my heart. She has touched my soul with her words. Her essence is alive within them. Thank you for giving so much of yourself to us in your writing with such a depth of honesty and Truth. You are not forgotten.

— Jennifer Kiley

Virginia Woolf

Peace For You Virginia Woolf

Beethoven: String Quartet Op. 130: V. Cavatina: adagio molto expressivo

Private Writings: Chapter #50 – Fated Attraction

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #50 – Fated Attraction

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting Two Naked Ladies by Anonymous
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 25th February 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #50 — Fated Attraction

Tuesday 19th August 2008

Dear Annie,

I am going to write you an unusual letter tonight. If I get too descriptive, I apologize, but I feel you need to hear a very descriptive imagery of what happened at our dinner party. Not bringing it up in session was on purpose. This needed to be written down when I felt ready to tell you. Well, now is the time.

This is when, where, and how it all developed and happened. I am not proud or ashamed of what happened. It just felt right and I am not sure that it is going to stop. What I feel is more intense than anything I have ever felt. Except when I knew someone I have spoken of before. But I don’t want to bring her into this. It has nothing to do directly with her.

Scottie and I decided we needed to have a particular dinner party with very special guests. The list, as you know, included as hosts, Scottie, Alison and myself. Our guests were you, Annie, and your husband Alex and daughter Rainer, my friend Lady Chablis, and our special guest Jamie Stansfield, our hero Carter from Brief Sacrifice.

At the party, we broke off into pairs. I spent time with Jamie. Scottie talks with Alex. Rainer hangs out with Alison. You, Annie, hang out with my friend Lady Chablis, the famous actress, not to be named here. You must have enjoyed her company. She is fabulous. I hope Alex enjoyed Scottie’s company.

I went off and got stoned with Jamie. I needed to. Someone needed to kiss someone. I felt attracted to Jamie already but the kiss secured it. Jamie kissed me and I wanted it. My usual withdrawal to anything physical, especially physical touching leading to anything sexual freaks me out on the inside only. I never show anybody it bothers me to be touched. It doesn’t stop them. So why should I let them know how being touched affects me. It leaves one too exposed for anyone to know.

Jamie caught me off-guard when she brought her face close to mine. My breathing became shallow. Jamie took my face into her hands. Her lips touched mine very gently. My insides were all in a muddle. I was melting from the heat filling my body up. I hadn’t felt this deep a physical feeling since that day. A day needing a lifetime of therapy. Not the day She died in my arms. That was love. I mean when one of my abusers did the worse thing you can do to a child against their will. I really can’t talk about it now. Too painful. Too shameful. Something that never should have happened and been stole from me. A memory that warped my mind, haunts my every memory, and flashes behind my eyes at the mere feeling of it.

I took Jamie’s hand, led her to my study, where I locked the door. Jamie sat down on the settee. I went to get two glasses, a bottle of brandy, and a pipe filled with some fine cannabis. I have a prescription for my nerves and the pain in my back. Haven’t I ever mentioned the Medicinal Marijuana? It helps with my memory, too. Right now, all I have left is a scar on my back.

Steel stabbed through my body that night. I lost so much blood I came close to walking the white road. But what was worse, the woman I wished for, I dreamed of, I had, was stolen from me that night. My wound healed on the outside but my life was still stolen when her life was taken away from me. That is my selfish attitude. Of course, I know she was stolen from the rest of the world inside her life. Even if they were worthless, with maybe one exception, the rest tried to suck out her soul. I protected her by not letting them near her. That was what she wanted. But when that wasn’t enough they tried to kill me but she put herself between us.

Does anyone ever get over being murdered? Or having someone save your life by sacrificing theirs?

I am moving past this into the next passage, where I am going to get subliminally graphic. Just thought I would put in a WARNING ALERT. I feel a need to describe it. Bare with me. Jamie and I have entered into my study slash library. So, back to Jamie, if you will.

“Here we are, Jamie. Take a glass, please.” I poured her glass first. After placing my drink on the edge of the desk, I took out the pipe I had filled with pot. It had a similar effect to that of Thai weed. Do you remember it? I took one hit, passed the pipe and lighter to Jamie. When she smoked her hit, she carefully put the pipe on the desk. I motioned Jamie to sit closer.

Her body now touched mine. The sensation made my heart pound. I could feel it in my throat. Jamie’s hand began caressing the length of my neck. I reached my right hand around to the back of Jamie’s neck and brought her head close to my face. Our lips touched in slow motion. Feeling the change of their shape as the pressures varied and our mouths blended together. A feeling of an endless embrace, falling into the sensation, with no parting of lips ever to come. The depth of feelings traveling from my lips through my body, were nothing I had felt before. Everything was so new and alive. Her hands found places on my body where her skin melted through my clothing into my body. We had joined together as if one being possessed by another in a permanent embrace. No ending, just eternity.

Feeling all of this was a total surprise for me. I have desired feeling this way and never found a person I trusted enough to surrender to in this way. I love Scottie but she never understood my need for her to be patient. She was rough in as gentle a way as possible. But with Jamie, it was soft and sensual. No one ever touched me this way, not since the night my elusive dream was stolen. Dreams are what they are. I woke up and it was over. My life disappeared until I met Scottie. With her I regained life. One with safety and security and a very active sex life. One we enjoyed while high on drugs and alcohol.

It was a creative sex life. We experimented, trying anything new that seemed it would be exciting. But something was missing. Not anything inside of Scottie. It was inside of me, or better expressed, something missing from inside of my mind and body. A disconnection that occurred at a specific moment in the touch of love making. It was when my body wanted to give up control. My mind wouldn’t let go and my body followed. All shut down abruptly and completely. It was the end of feeling anything.

A dilemma which has consistently occurred throughout my life. It all started with one particular abuser. He stole something one cannot find after it has been taken. It was more than rape. It was stealing my sexual freedom. The art of completely letting go. Something most people desire in their life. I am able to do it with my painting and writing but not with my body. She doesn’t belong to me. Maybe it even does effect my art.

Jamie has reawakened something in me that only one other person was able to find. A complete abandon and enjoyment of freedom and letting go, releasing the spirit to scream in ecstasy, joy and bliss.

It may not be fair to Scottie. Never have I been with anyone sexually, where I willingly wanted someone to touch me. More than willingly. I could not resist wanting her hands on my body. Her lips touching mine. I wanted to be consumed by her. I wanted us to melt into each other where our energy and souls became one forever. Never to separate again.

I describe wanting her to touch me. She wasn’t the only one who wanted to touch someone. My hands wanted to reach out and touch her face, to make sure she was real, not in my imagination. Her skin was warm. Touching her skin made me feel electric. The nerves inside of me were lit by currents of energy. Every connection in my body was flowing together. I wanted to be lost in her forever.

I knew the moment must end. Life would return to normal but it was normal. I felt something alive and real. Someone who understood my fear and magically made it disappear. It’s not being sexual that brought me back to life. It was letting the touch in, and allowing myself to be free to feel her hands on my skin and inside my flesh. It was the joining of love.

I love Jamie. I always felt her specialness. We are soul mates of a different kind. Not what books are written about. No one writes about being made to feel whole with someone else, without it having to be sexual. It is a bonding that merges power and spiritual energy. A sharing of being alive and feeling real. It isn’t easy to do and is rarer than it should be. I have found it three times in my life. We all mistake sex for love. Sex is sex. Love may happen when sex is happening. But Love stands strongly on its own. Love is the power that makes everything alive and real. It is what I have been searching for my entire life. It is so special but rare. Be gentle when you find it. I hope I have found it with Jamie.

Don’t lose hope, Annie. I love Scottie and want to be with her beyond the beyond. But I want to be with Jamie, too. And all those people who I feel close with now and I have felt bonded with in my past. A short list but one I will feel connected to forever.

I have reached the end of this letter. There will be more. It is an interesting read, I am quite certain you found that out Annie.

But that is all for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

Before the end, I would like to send a thought to Jamie with all my love. I want to say to her, if I had the courage, I would tell you, it isn’t about sex at all. My abusers planted the dark seed inside of me and it blocked out the light so I could not see what was real. Just a distortion came through of moderating sex by ascribing it as the only way love is expressed. But that is a lie. It truly is not about sex. It is about bonding and feeling whole with the person you love. All relationships are different. The ones which make you come alive and feel real inside are rare. Treat them with respect and give freely of your love. This is the purist of feelings and the richest of relationships. A friendship created from out of the depths of pure love.

“The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return.”

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Two Naked Ladies - Anonymous

Two Naked Ladies – Anonymous

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

flower of great beauty purple dk and lt yellow

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Madison's Study/Library

Madison’s Study/Library

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Writings: Chapter #44 — Secrets and Signs

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #44 — Secrets and Signs

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 21st January 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #44 — Secrets and Signs

Tuesday 15th July 2008

Dear Annie,

I want to talk about my feelings for you. It never seems convenient for me to be open with you. What I feel, is something I don’t understand. No one ever taught me what love is. Love has been mixed up inside my head. It makes me feel I am bad for feeling love.

The truth. I was abused growing up. My family’s incest was sexual, sadistic and emotional abuse. Their white painted mansion was the playground for their sinder girl. Don’t know respect. She needs to learn she is nothing. A place I was the center of the abuse. That’s what I called home. I didn’t think of it that way. Not a place of love and nurturing for me. Every horrible experience I felt as a child happened in that place of horror. It wasn’t safe anywhere inside that house. Taking walks in the woods was dangerous. Our grounds were extensive. Someone seemed always to be watching me. Eventually they always found me. And I would be alone and vulnerable.

My father used me to get his friends to do him favors. I was their reward. They just took me away. One man, I remember someone calling him something official. Held a government position, and he was a child molester and rapist. That was dangerous. One of the times I was alone with him. He had started touching me. His hand felt like needles were piercing my skin. I wanted him to stop. My hand pushed his away. We even spoke out loud. “Please don’t touch me or I will tell.” A thought I had tried before without the threat of telling. Telling made it more dangerous. This brought on convincing threats of, “I’ll kill your family if you say a word.” His words were not a lie. He showed me by trying to kill me in that very moment. He stopped himself before he went to far but his eyes told me, he would kill them, and probably me too. No, he would definitely have me killed.

What could I do. Keep silent. No one ever talked about it. It felt like I was alone. No one else. It wasn’t happening to anyone else. They would feel I was worthless and contaminated. No one would care about me. No one does now. I will just leave everyone out of this. I am too embarrassed to say a word. Too ashamed.

I am living surrounded by abusers or the abused? Yes, I had another sibling who did not escape. He is locked up and catatonic now. The only time he is not catatonic is when all he can do is scream my name out that he wants to kill me. I am his betrayer. No idea why he thinks I betrayed him. All my life I have tried to protect him. It was all a secret. One day he blurted out, our oldest brother fucked him when he was little. I was fragile when he told me this. It made me freak out.

I turned to a female friend I had a crush on. She tried to help. But she had depressing news, to me it was. Why in that moment? Her boyfriend proposed to her. They were going to get married right away. It meant her moving away. I was struck by the deepest depression. She did move away after the wedding. Gone. I lost her. She was my first friend. She was the first person I told about the abuse. Not the whole nightmare. Just I had been abused. No one can handle the while thing. I can’t even handle it. Overload.

My friend was gone. I had no more focus. She kept me alive by being my friend. I loved her. She was the only person I could love. I thought she loved me enough to want to stay in my life. But she didn’t. My depression made me believe everything was over. I was despondent. I lost all reason to live. There was no one left to love. It was when I thought about my bottle of pills.

I sat on the edge of my bed. Taking the open bottle of pills, I poured out the content, a handful at a time. The darkness was pulling me deeper inside of it. The music was playing softly. Soon I would be asleep forever. Would my friend miss me if I were dead. The letter I wrote to her was about love. In the letter I wrote to my mother, I told her she finally got what she wanted. Me. Dead.

My head felt heavy as I lay down at the foot of my bed. All the pills were gone. Sleep felt like it was pulling me in. My mind was filled with the friend I loved. We were only teenagers. Who ends their life so early? Life was destroying me. Being alive without her was unthinkable, to painful, impossible. It was almost over. I was nearing the end of pain.

As you can see I am writing to you now. It was difficult but somehow I stopped the process from concluding. No one helped me back from that edge. I saved myself alone. No one ever knew. Just one more secret. My suicide attempt gave me the courage to seek out professional help. It was right after that night. I live with the thoughts of suicide too frequently. It runs through my mind and my life like a shadow of temptation. More the thinking about it then the doing now.

Lets change this up and take it to a totally different place. Back to my feelings about love. I know you know what love is. You make me feel it whenever I am around you. The words you say to me. I feel your love. No one has ever been as kind to me as you. What is important is I don’t know what I would do without you if you ever disappeared. It would crush me inside. I would want to die.

I see the words I use and wonder whether I can trust you not to be afraid of my feelings of love. If I told you I love you, would it make you want to run away? I fear the worse.

If you really knew what goes on inside of me, it’s the sound of confusion. Being bipolar for a long time has messed with my life. Awhile ago, I had a therapist and psychiatrist diagnose me with DID. It was a fucked up diagnosis I lived with for years. She even wanted me to name my alters and describe their characteristics. It was a curious perspective from which to think about myself. I really did split apart with the diagnosis. Was it thinking I had DID that caused the transformation? Or did I always have alters and worked through the phases and went through integration. I am not at all sure.

Sybill, the film with Sally Fields and Joanne Woodward, made me want her doctor. Being held and believed. To feel her arms around me and her eyes comforting me. This leads me to the truth. Truth is important to me. I don’t lie. There’s no sense to it. Simply put, I want you, Annie. To be like her doctor. If I could return to being a little girl again, with you. You could be the person who cared for me. It would feel more perfect then I could expect. It would make the world right for me. Is it possible for you to love me?

I better stop now. There is much more but I will save it for the next letter. Right now I am worried what I have already asked you in this letter. Is it going to make you feel angry or uncomfortable, or is it going to make you go away? Will you go away? Please don’t. I’m feeling a strong urge not to show you this letter. Maybe if I express myself in a poem and paint what I feel instead. It is more abstract. It may make more sense. Being understood is an obsession.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Loving You Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Bejin - Artist David Agenjo

Bejin – Artist David Agenjo

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

Bouquet of Roses and other Flowers - Artist Henri Fantin Latour

Bouquet of Roses and other Flowers – Artist Henri Fantin Latour

rain in garden gif

Shattered Love
By Madison Taylor
8th July 2008
Narrative Haiku

Shattered love breaks hearts
Are bleeding out on the ground
Why do I not cry?

Feelings have been crushed
Inside pain reflects harming
Take your hands off me

Skin feels bruises swell
Carving time on flesh burning
Memories remain

Giving birth no love
Start with hate never caring
Nurture not given

Meet an attraction
Is it love or sexual
Healing the inside

Touching with lightness
Need a gentle hand soothing
Trust is taming wild

One stroke of the hand
Is enough to begin love
Learning soft teaching

© madison taylor 2008

Illuminating Shadows - Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2008

Illuminating Shadows – Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2007

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

The Prince of Tides

prince of tides poster
The Prince of Tides
Film Review by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Created on 9th January 2014
Posted On Friday 10th January 2014
FILM FRIDAY

[WARNING: SOME ROUGH SCENES OF A VIOLENT SEXUAL NATURE. SUBJECT MATTER CAN BE DISTURBING]

2 prince of tides barbra as director

Barbra Streisand as Director of “The Prince of Tides”

“Prince of Tides” stars Barbra Streisand, Nick Nolte, Blythe Danner, and Kate Nelligan, plus George Carlin as the gay character who gives comic relief and lightens things up. Neighbor to Nick Nolte’s twin sister, Savannah. She starts out the film inside a hospital in serious condition after a suicide attempt.

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Tom Wingo [Nick Nolte] first visit to Dr. Lowenstein’s Office

There are certain scenes which can have a strong effect on many viewers. We are talking about VIOLENCE of the most disturbing kind.

Rare! The Prince of Tides – Behind the Scenes

My first times seeing this film were in a theatre. The totality of the film is so compelling, I needed to see it. When it first was released, it fit closely to psychological issues I was studying in my own mind.

Prince of Tides (Interpreting)

There is an under story carrying a huge secret. The entire film is absorbing, intense and the building of a relationship between the two lead characters of Dr. Lowenstein and Tom Wingo causes questions. One, he is married. Lowenstein is, also.

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Tom Wingo [Nick Nolte] & Dr. Lowenstein [Barbra Streisand]

But this is not what throws me, it is the questions, “Is she treating him or seeing him as a go-between for his sister and their family and a way for her to understand what is hidden. Or is she trying to uncover Tom’s secret as well, to get to his sister’s. Which brings up the question, “Is he technically her patient, also?” 

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Dr. Lowenstein behind her office desk talking with Tom Wingo

This is one of the dilemmas for me in “The Prince of Tides.” An excellent film to create many discussions in so many areas needing the darkness and shadows cleared.

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Tom Wingo in front of Dr. Lowenstein’s desk talking with the Doctor

It is a film that makes you think about trying to understand why life happens to you the way it does, with all it’s sudden surprises.

The Prince of Tides is such a story. It is about two worlds and two families. Secrets kept in one and not understanding love in the other.

9 nick-nolte-barbra-streisand-prince-tides-1991 tom lowenstein watch violin player husband

Tom with Lowenstein at dinner party listening to her famous husband Herbert play his Stradivarius violin

I am recommending “The Prince of Tides.” Pat Conroy wrote the novel & adapted the screenplay with Becky Johnston. The acting is incredible. Barbra Streisand, when I first saw this film, I envied Nick Nolte developing the relationship they did.

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Tom and Lowenstein in park watching her son Bernard [Jason Gould, Streisand’s son with Actor Elliot Gould]. Lowenstein hired Tom to teach him football.

What brings Tom to Dr. Lowenstein’s [Streisand] psychiatrist office? He is representing his family in a serious matter. His mother coerces him. Doesn’t believe she would be wanted.

Prince of Tides (Ethics)

What is revealed after Tom starts talking to Dr. Lowenstein is overwhelming at times when releasing the pain. His families life, when he was a child, had a great deal of manipulation and violence surrounding it.

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Tom and Lowenstein run into each other at one of Eddie’s parties [Savannah’s neighbor played by George Carlin]

They jump between the flashbacks into Tom’s childhood and that of his siblings. Showing a brutal father and the questionable qualifications of their mother, also.

In the present, you see Tom spend some time with his sister who attempted to commit suicide and not the first time.  It is now time for talking to Dr. Lowenstein about his sister and the whole of the rest of his family, to sort out just what is so disturbing for Savannah.

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Tom and Bernard after a good football learning work-out at park

There develops another layer between Lowenstein and Tom. They spend time together outside of her office. Technically, he is not her patient, his sister is. But things begin to get personal between the Doctor and Savannah’s brother Tom .

Lowenstein Holding Tom

Lowenstein Holding Tom

He meets her really irritating son, at first, and her arrogant, famous, violinist husband, who goes outside the barriers of rude to be a pompous, rich, elitist. Hairs get raised between Tom and Lowenstein’s husband. A violin comes between them. Lowenstein leaves. Tom follows.

When I first saw this film, the relationship between Tom and Lowenstein, I felt was crossing over the line. You decide. I am not sure any longer, for personal reasons.

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Lowenstein and Tom in bed at her vacation home

The film is about family, class, infidelity, a pain in the ass spouse, a misunderstood son, a nightmare that gets “buried.” Trauma everywhere in Tom and Savannah Wingo’s life.

Prince of Tides (Affective)

“The Prince of Tides” is emotionally charged with love and violence at their heights.

Be Warned, it is an Intense Film with traumatic scenes some may be disturbed by watching.

A note for the film, “The Prince of Tides” is the title of a book of poetry written by Savannah and dedicated to Tom. In the book this was different. It was a book Savannah wrote for their brother Luke. It was changed greatly in the screenplay. The central story switched from Luke Wingo, Tom & Savannah’s brother, being hunted and killed by government agents, to the love story between Tom and Lowenstein. I am drawn to the romance. Luke’s story is told in the book. Tom & Savannah’s story is told in the film in a deeply moving way. 

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Tom and Lowenstein feeling the loss

It is as great a film today, as the opening night in the theatre. Barbra Streisand did a fabulous job playing the role of Dr. Lowenstein and she was the excellent director of “The Prince of Tides.” The film was nominated for seven Academy Awards  including Best Picture, but lost the award to “The Silence of the Lambs.”

Film Review Written by Jennifer Kiley

The Prince of Tides – Trailer [1991]

Cast

Nick Nolte as Tom Wingo

Barbra Streisand as Dr. Susan Lowenstein

Blythe Danner as Sallie Wingo [Tom Wingo’s wife]

Kate Nelligan as Lila Wingo Newbury [Tom & Savannah’s mother & Luke’s mother]

Jeroen Krabbé as Herbert Woodruff [Lowenstein’s husband-the famous violinist]

Melinda Dillon as Savannah Wingo [Tom’s twin sister]

George Carlin as Eddie Detreville [Savannah’s gay neighbor]

Jason Gould as Bernard Woodruff [Lowenstein’s son and Streisand’s real life son with Elliott Gould

Growing A Good Marriage / Partnership [Same-Sex / Opposite-Sex]

remembering memories day any as happens
Growing A Good Marriage / Partnership
[Same-Sex / Opposite-Sex]

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Post Created on Sunday 13th October 2013
Posted On  October 2013
Remembering Memories

MaleFemaleSymbols

same-sex-marriage

all you need is love logo

symbols_interlocking_gender

cosmic all you need is love“Nine psychological tasks for a good marriage”

Task #1

Separate  emotionally  from  the  family   you  grew  up  in;
not to the point of estrangement, but enough so that your
identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings.

Task #2

Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and
identity, while at  the same time  set  boundaries  to
protect each partner’s autonomy.

Task #3

Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect
it  from  the  intrusions  of the workplace and family obligations.

Task #4

For  couples  with children,  embrace  the  daunting  roles of
parenthood and absorb the  impact  of  a   baby’s   entrance
into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting
the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.

Task #5

Confront and master the inevitable crises of life.

Task #6

Maintain the strength of the marital  bond in the
face of adversity. The marriage should  be a  safe
haven in which partners are able to express their
differences, anger and conflict.

Task #7

Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective
and to avoid boredom and isolation.

Task #8

Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying
each partner’s needs for dependency and
offering  continuing  encouragement  and
support.

Task #9

Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images
of falling in love, while facing the sober realities
of the changes wrought by time.

I would add a #10 Task: KISSING… View the following photographs, some Famous Screen Kisses, a Special Couple Sharing a Lovely Kiss & something Special which holds deep memories for me & I am sure for many, the Most Joyful & Most Sad Love Story of them all. And, No, I am not talking about the one that ‘issued’ the line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” That is total sh*t! No, I am speaking of the one written by the Greatest Wordsmith/Writer of them all, William Shakespeare. Enjoy the video with song & the Soundcloud with Dire Straits, which you probably already heard, if you had your sound turned on. by Jennifer Kiley

desert hearts kiss in rainScene from “Desert Hearts

barack & michellePresident Barack Obama & First Lady Michelle Obama

breakfast at tiffany kiss in the rainScene from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s

ghost demi & patrickScene from “Ghost

romeo & juliet kissScene from “Romeo & Juliet

titanic rose & jackScene from “Titanic

Love-moulin rouge nicole in song1024x409“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” ~ Moulin Rouge! [2001]

romeo & juliet let a hand do what lips doScene from “Romeo & Juliet”

ROMEO
(taking JULIET’s hand)
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this,
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.

ROMEO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.
They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.

ROMEO
Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take.

Kisses her

Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged.

JULIET
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO
Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

They kiss again

Romeo & Juliet — Leonardo DiCaprio & Claire Danes


Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits and Rafi Wazir

All love stories eventually have a sad ending. Sometimes early & too soon & other times, you are able to live to be old together. Either way, unfortunately in the physical plane, you always end up having to say goodbye. The really good part is that you have a love story or more than one to remember as you live your life. “All you need is Love.” Thank you, John Lennon & all the other Beatles. It is true, “All You Need Is Love.” “The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love and To Be Loved In Return.” [Moulin Rouge-2001]

Credit to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD,
Co-author of the book “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts”

“Nine psychological tasks for a good marriage”

Reproduced from the APA Link. American Psychological Association — APA Help Center.