“The Known and the Unknown” #1

a writer's word polished or rawThe Known and the Unknown – #1
Excerpts from the Essay “Fail Safe”
Written by Debbie Millman
Post by Jennifer Kiley
Post Sunday 20th July 2014
The Essay titled “Fail Safe”
Taken From Anthology
Look Both Ways: Illustrated Essays
on the Intersection of Life and Design

Debbie Millman is an Artist
Strategist & Interviewer

“Fail Safe”  The Essay-Explores Existential Skills-Living With Uncertainty-Embracing The Unfamiliar-Allowing For Not Knowing-Cultivating What John Keats Famously Termed “Negative Capability”

psychedelic cat

The Known and the Unknown – #1

For most of my life I followed
a safe path. I remember in vivid
detail the moment I began the
journey August 1983, the hot
MUGGY SUMMER OF
“SYNCHRONICITY”
and
“MODERN LOVE.”
A few months out of
COLLEGE
I stood on the corner of
seventh avenue and
BLEEKER STREET
IN NEW YORK City
wearing pastel-blue balloon
trousers, a hot PINK V-neck
T-shirt
and
bright White Capezio Oxfords.
I lingered at the intersection
peering deep into my future
contemplating the choice
between the secure
and the uncertain
between the creative
and the LOGICAL…

- Debbie Millman

blk & wht fluid abstract painting

“The Known and the Unknown” Part 1 - Jennifer Kiley

Remember

“Do What You LOVE

“Artifact” My Biography – Joshua Snow

white dragon jr snow facing to rightI would like to mark the
13th of July 2014 as the date I formally Introduced
J.R. Snow, a young emerging writer. For the past
three Sundays, he has been our Guest Artist and
his work, in the form of a three part short
story, has been presented here on
‘the secret keeper.’
Thank You Joshua
Jennifer Kiley
jkm

white dragon jr snow

Now it is time for the writer to come out from
behind his worded mask of storytelling and
talk to us about himself and his aspirations.
The following is J.R.’s
introduction of himself
in his own words.
Thank you ALL. Now I
give you - J.R. Snow

 

Artifact
My Biography

Joshua Snow

“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” – Roald Dahl

There are a lot of things I wish to say in this, things I wish to express and explain, but words can only describe so much. My name is Joshua Snow. If you’re a Game of Thrones fan like me, you probably already caught onto the fact that my last name is Snow and you know what it means. Yes, I have been told that I know nothing. (Another Game of Thrones reference) However, people are just trying to be funny rather than rude. Besides that, allow me to introduce myself.

Dragon Spirit for j.r. snow bioI live in Texas, a very big place deep in the south. Within this very big state I live in Houston. To put it bluntly, I do not like it here. Its too hot, not enough forest and mountains, and the winters are too short. I plan to move up north someday to some place I feel like I belong. I am 19 and I will be turning 20 this year in August. I am currently enrolled in college classes for the first time and will be starting June 2nd. A lot of change is coming my way, and for the most part, it has been scary to feel.

Now I bet you’re all wondering, “What is a child like me doing talking about myself?” Well, besides what I just told you, I am a writer. A creator. A daydreamer. My mind is always somewhere. I was always that kid in class caught with his head up in the clouds. Even my principal said so when I graduated high school.

I’m fascinated with anything magical, and most of all, anything having to do with dragons. Dragons to me are the most wonderful beings in the world. I read about them as a kid and I have dragon décor all over my room. I have a Celtic dragon flag that’s rather large, a dragon poster by the wonderful artist Christina Yen, a dragon clock, dragon books, Dragon’s Blood incense, (I promise its not really made of dragon’s blood) dragon pendants and a dragon incense holder as well as a box with a dragon laying on it. I’m pretty sure that’s all of it. Dragons are like family to me and I strongly believe they are my guardian angels. I’ve dreamed about them a lot too and I’ve had a lot of dreams of flying. I get a running start and I just leap off my own two feet and fly. There was one particular dream where I was flying with a lot of dragons and a green one stood out to me.

Awesome dragon Poster facing rightI’ve been working on a big fantasy story for the past three years now. I’ve rewritten it a lot of times, and combining all those rewrites, I don’t doubt in my mind I’d go up to 300-400 pages. The characters are probably the closest part to perfect out of the whole story. The plot is still in motion and being worked out in detail and I also drew a map of the world.

I’ve planned for this to be a series of books. I designed the characters via a certain video game where I was allowed to create my own fighter and I designed them through that. I created eighty-two characters until I found the very few I desired. Out of all of those, the few I kept are probably six or seven. My most precious character I created is a Seraphina, a dragon who can transform into a woman with long, white hair and keeps the beautiful blue eyes I gave her. She’s the last one who carries the power of old magic inside her, magic that no longer exists in the world.

In the world I created, magic is dying. Other species like elves no longer exist, and dragons and humans are the only ones known to be alive. However, humans can use magic as well. There are witches and mages, good and evil. I never liked the idea that witches and wizards were all evil anyway. I found it to be tasteless and narrow minded. Also, in the world, there is a war going on. It is a private war, one that is hidden from public knowledge. No one is aware of but those involved. I do have deeper details but I do not wish to spoil. I hate spoilers myself. The entire series is inspired by the idea that despite all of cruelty, corruption and darkness in the world, there is always a chance for happiness. There is such a thing as a happy ending. Its just that not everyone gets one, and those who do get one are blessed. Not everyone gets a happy ending, sadly, for everyone who deserved one.

dragon white looking left into the sea while sitting on a ledgeAs for magical things, I do believe there is some sort of magic in the world. From what I’ve felt and seen, I can’t doubt it. I can no longer think it’s as simple as science and logic. I had a friend once who told me the reason spiritual things were still around was because you can’t prove them wrong because that individual believes it so much, so it carries on, and you can’t prove them right because there’s no physical proof or evidence to show to people. If I believe in a so-called god, I cannot call this so called god and have you meet him in person. I cannot show you a spirit of a dead person or show you a dragon or something magical with my own hands. His logic and reasoning were very interesting, and he actually offered to hear my opinions and to tell me if I was wrong, but I decided not to.

All I know, and believe, is that there is something in matters of spirit and magic. And through things I wish to write like a short story or this big fantasy story I spoke of, I wish to share that. I believe magic breathes through everything, I believe in different dimensions, spirits, souls, guardian angels, and past lives. I believe everything has a life and a spirit and a name. Everything is like a little artifact. It has its own identity, meaning, and its come from something. Everything has an origin. Everything comes to us for a reason. That’s what I ultimately believe. Everything happens for a reason.

joshua snow 9th june 2014
 

If you want to contact

Author J.R. Snow
[Joshua Snow]

Please Use Contact Windows

Below Music Video

hand letting go of golden flecks gif


Evanescence - Together Again

Please Feel Free To Contact Joshua Snow. Fill Out The Windows Below With Questions &/or Comments. They will be forwarded to Joshua.

Thank you.   jkm the secret keeper

*        *        *        *        *        *        *

“Lila” – A Short FIlm

lightness of being day wednesday negative

“Lila - A Short Film

Post by Jennifer Kiley

Post Wednesday 9th July 2014

 

I <3 SHORT FILMS

Music No Speaking. She draws her world the way she sees it or wants it to be. 

The certainty of reality is confounding. No one’s imagination should be called into question when determining reality

sometimes i feel realityis what we believe it to be

the young woman has the touch of magic and with her colors she turns real color into something imaginative and real to her

be delighted at the visual imagery she creates smile at the joy she draws into the world

“lila” transforms the real world through her drawings into the reality of her images

even though i tell you you may not be able to imagine exactly what i mean until you experience it for yourself

here, i give you “lila

Lila – Carlos Lascano

Lila is the character of a short film that somehow completes a sort of aesthetic trilogy I have started in 2008 with “A short love story in Stop Motion” ( vimeo.com/877053 ) and then followed in 2011 with “A shadow of blue” ( vimeo.com/29573040 ) I had the pleasure to have the talented Sandy Lavallart composing this beautiful music sandylavallart.com  You can take a look at the backstage here: vimeo.com/75723266

Private Writings: Chapter #68 – “Loving You Loving Me”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]

“Loving You Loving Me”
Private Writings #68
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 1st July 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #68 “Loving You Loving Me”

Tuesday 23rd December 2008

Dear Annie,

Once again I am writing to you after an insomniac’s night of twisted shadows. But mostly, my sleep was shallow. I feel more upset now than I did when I was writing to you before my dreams that turned into ‘the shadow’ nightmares. It was too bad for me to remember. She wants me to be tortured and she sure as Hell doesn’t want me telling you the secrets.

Between you and ‘the shadow’ you’ve got me twisted inside out and upside down. I am very confused about what I feel because I don’t know what I feel except I think it feels like what being in love would feel like. But I don’t even know what being in love is. This is something we really need to talk about.

When I feel love it wants me to tell you something. Something so hard for me to say. I wish I didn’t have to say it out loud. People get crazy when you say these words to them. But since I need for you to know I will say the words. Make believe I am saying these words out loud. Here I go, Annie, you mean everything to me and I never could bear losing you. But to be sure you know what my true feelings are I have to tell you, that I love you.

I know it is a powerful feeling. What we have between us, as therapist and client, is powerful. The energy is sometimes all consuming. What can I say, I know what I feel. It may not be real to you but it feels damned real to me and the next time I write I am going to tell you as honestly and directly as possible, what exactly I understand to be my feelings for you. When I tell you, I love you, I mean each word. The “I” that is spoken of is what is my Identity. Since I have a difficult time determining that, my commitment to what words I use are as strong as my connection with reality will allow.

As far as talking to ghosts, I will continue writing down what they are telling me. And I will ask Angie specifically, “What do you want from me?” But I figured out the answer to that question already. Angie wants me to help her catch her murderer. Hopefully without them trying to murder me first, the one who murdered Angie, the ghosts aren’t murdering me.

Don’t pay me any attention. This has developed into one of the most in sane weeks yet at Redcliff so far. Most of my section is filled with non-violent women, who have no idea who they are or why they are here. Helen is still completely silent. What happened to push her into the quiet space suddenly. She loved telling her stories. Even if she didn’t realize the stories she thought she was making up were actually about real people from her life. Someone filled me in on that.

And Lynn is getting rather obsessed with me. She follows me. Doesn’t say much but when any words pass her lips, it is very important to listen. Someone brushed her off the other day & I thought she was going to murder her. She went physical on her. They had to give her a shot & now she has disappeared. I miss her shadowing me. What do you think of that? I want a person to be near me. A stranger. Not me at all.

Even so, my feelings are more leveled off. Got some truth out from the shadows into the light. Light always frees the spirit of the secrets so they don’t need to hide any longer. It is such a relief when the secrets are set lose into freedom. They aren’t sure exactly what to do after they aren’t hidden any longer. I would prefer they would just fade away once they are no longer lethal.

You may ask, how are they so lethal? They could mean Death. Death by Murder or Death by Design or Death by Suicide. All are Death to the Soul and Innocence.

This feels like a good place to stop. While I still have the ability to think.

I switch up my thinking and feelings all the time. Bear in mind, a feeling today may change in a nano moment. The fickleness of my heart and mind breathe with the chemicals mixing inside my brain.

The brew that is true got lost in the blue that is the hue of the color in your eyes.

A visit with the March Hare & the Mad Hatter is pre-ordained to happen while confined in a facility that is relegated to those who seem to have lost control of their own lives, minds, confusions & chaos.

That is why I am going to stop now. Will finish it up in the morning & send it off then.

I know I don’t have to ask this but I feel I must, “Please don’t judge anything that comes out of this addled mind.” I only know how to speak the truth. Never wanted to learn how to lie. Maybe a “white” lie that would mean nothing but would hurt someone’s feelings. But then I don’t consider that lying. And even then I don’t often do that either. Censor my honesty. Telling the truth is a compulsion. It is most likely because of having to hide everything when I was growing up. Silence & more silence was the better way to survive. I may have survived but for what? So I could enter Hell when I was finally free from the first Hell?

I need to get stoned. Being here put me on edge & my panic attacks have blown out my guts. I am in constant pain physically as well as mentally & emotionally. I need to laugh. In the morning I am going to find something to write to you that is funny. I promise.

Goodnight. Ciao Ciao!!!

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie   Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

 

Private Writings: Chapter #67 – “Twisting Inside Shouting Out Loud”

private writings a novel of true fantasy by jennifer kiley [shawn's 2d blue name]“Twisting Inside Shouting Out Loud”
Private Writings #67
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post Tuesday 24th June 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT
Not Suitable For Children.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

1 alice-down-the-rabbithole [use best one]

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts

to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss

but to most importantly tell the best tale ever after upon a time.

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #67 “Twisting Inside Shouting Out Loud”

Tuesday 16th December 2008

Dear Annie,

If I don’t know who I am, how will I know what I should do?

I have been writing non-stop except for sleep, creating a variety of ideas for my play. I’m rather exhausted. But can’t stop needing to create.

I have been having these phrases popping up inside my head. I finally wrote them down on a blank page on WORD. I am going to use them as the beginning of a scene.

I have to believe I am not going to grow old inside this weird mind melting place. Just wiser and I will only allow them to take a touch of my madness. I will need and use the rest for myself.

I think I am about to write you one of my more in sane letters, much more in sane.

I found a bloody good twist for the play. “Far more things occur in dark spaces and from the other side than we are aware of.” My own quote, made it up just now. Play on one of Shakespeare’s lines. Did a few modifications.

It keeps me up late, thinking about my play. I want to find the exact words & to keep my characters to as few lines as possible & still contain what my story is meant to be. What it is that I am trying to say with all the words I give the actors.

I was searching for songs last night to inspire me. Listened to great stuff & found the pieces of music I was looking for. One song stood out. I listened to it repeatedly. Doing that takes me to the zone. It lifts me up and gives my subconscious something to work out for me, and when the Muse is ready, she feeds me what I am going to do.

The play is meant to be about love – the strongest most powerful energy in the universe. It is also about love that is going to slip away. Knowing it is going to happen before anyone else does, even the person it is going to happen to.

How would you like to have that ability? The power to know things before they happen to other people. My play has an element of that contained within it. Don’t want to give too much a way. You have to see it performed on stage to find out what happens. This is only the second process I am in now. Living life was the first. The second is fictionalizing my experiences with what I’ve learned from living. There is a third & eventually a sequel which will lead me into the fourth part, writing the screenplay. That may end the process or open up into another world.

I may be sounding vague but I like to be a mystery. Mysterious. It is what keeps me alive – wondering & trying to understand what is inside what we don’t know or ever will know while we are mortal.

Since I am mortal, I would like to ask the question Why. Why am I talking to ghosts and they are returning their side of the conversation. I may think a long time before I decide whether you will ever see any of this letter. I will be honest just the same.

I see dead people. I use to say I saw dead people when I was asleep. But now they have decided to visit me when I am trying to get back my sanity. After my group sessions or after I’ve met with Dr. V. They even interrupt me when I am writing to you. Tosh may not know you but Angie sure does. She has been hanging around you until she found me & Dr. George.

I need sleep, so I am going to finish this letter tomorrow, unless I wake up in the middle of the night. Sleeping here without my weed is making my insomnia unbearable. When I do sleep it is just tossing the covers all over. When my eyes open in an attempt to view the world to see if it is still here, I find myself completely twisted up in the covers like I was playing B & D.

Chin Chin Annie. I will think of you as I try to fall asleep. Your face will calm me. If I hear your voice, it would just add to my calmness.

Love Fondly,

Madison

@>-;–

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

5 photo of white rose with red framed in blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher - Home to Madison & Scottie   Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

Le Chateau de Rocher – Home to Madison & Scottie
Their Cats & daughter Alison. She has her own place on the estate

 

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibility”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Wild Horses

implicit imaginative impressions
Wild Horses
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by jK McCormack
Post Saturday 7th June 2014

Wild Horses – The Rolling Stones

Wild Horses
The Rolling Stones

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can’t let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don’t have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let’s do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day

wild_horses

Sympathy for the Devil

implicit imaginative impressions
Sympathy For The Devil
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created 5th March 2014
Posted On Saturday 26th April 2014
IMPLICIT IMAGINATIVE IMPRESSIONS

Sympathy for the Devil – The Rolling Stones

Sympathy For The Devil
Written by Mick Jagger & Keith Richards

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man’s soul and faith
And I was ’round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Held a general’s rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
I shouted out,
“Who killed the Kennedys?”
When after all
It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached Bombay
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what’s confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
Cause I’m in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I’ll lay your soul to waste, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
Tell me baby, what’s my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what’s my name
I tell you one time, you’re to blame

Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah
What’s me name
Tell me, baby, what’s my name
Tell me, sweetie, what’s my name

Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah

stones satanic-majesties-request-cover

Stones Satanic Majesties Request Cover

stones lips joint black on wht neg

Do You Dream of Me?

implicit imaginative impressions

Do You Dream of Me?
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by jK McCormack
Post Created 8th March 2014
Posted on Saturday 19th April 2014
IMPLICIT IMAGINATIVE IMPRESSIONS

Tiamet – Do You Dream of Me?

Do You Dream of Me?
by Edlund, Sorychta

Come down, slowly
I’m waiting by your side
Come down, carefully
I’m waiting by your side
Ill grab you when you fall
Down to the waking hours
Silents sweeps as golden corn
Down to the waking hours
How I wish that I could
Break into your dreams
Do I have the force I need
To break into your dreams
I hold you in my arms
Dimmed by scarlet morning red
I whisper in your ear
Do you dream of me ?

dark lords by jk mccormack (c) jkm 2014

Daemon Lords by jK McCormack (c) jKm 2014

Spark

implicit imaginative impressions
Spark
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by jK McCormack
Post Created on 7th March 2014
Posted on Saturday 12th April 2014
IMPLICIT IMAGINATIVE IMPRESSIONS

Spark – Over the Rhine

Spark

It’s not the spark that caused the fire
It was the air you breathed that fanned the flame
What you think you’ll solve with violence

Will only spread like a disease
Until it all comes ’round again
Was John the only dreamer?

Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We’ll wake up dreaming

Obsessions with self-preservation
Faded when I threw my fear away
It’s not a thing you can imagine

You either lose your fear
Or spend your life with one foot in the grave
Is God the last romantic?

Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We’ll wake up dreaming

Only love can turn this around
I wake up dreaming
Everything we’ve lost can be found
We’ll wake up dreaming

Songwriters
Angela McCluskey & David M. Shaw Shark

fire_works____by_mattthesamuraiFire Works .gif by Matt the samurai

Private Writings: Chapters #56 — I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #56 – I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by NAME OF ARTIST
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 8th April 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #56 — I’ve Had to Lock My Love Away

[Starting the Third Week Madison Is Being Held at the Redcliff Psychiatric Institute After a Failed Suicide Attempt...]

Tuesday 30th September 2008

Dear Annie,

I am keeping “A Writer’s Diary” just like my heroine Virginia Woolf. It sounded like a good way of keeping track of my entire short [sarcastic] stay at Redcliff [Psychiatric Institute]. In between, when I feel it, I will write something specifically addressed to you, Annie. I want you to know I miss you. My feelings are filled with an emotional and physical pain I can bearly stand. It hurts so much.

Why is love so painful?

Here is how I have set up my letters to you for the future while I am still incarcerated with people I am having such a difficult time relating to. With the exception of my psychiatrist Dr. Virginia McKinnon, and two patients I feel some closeness with in small amounts. I will tell you about them in small amounts.

“A Writer’s Diary”

Today, I could only feel Jamie being with me. No visitors until the end of this week. No contact until then. I haven’t spoken to or seen anyone. Not Scottie or Alison. No Jamie. And no Annie. I miss everyone. I miss my laptop. If I want to write, I have certain times during the day when I am allowed to have a pen and paper to use for writing. When the time is up, everything is confiscated until the next time. Dr. V [Virginia McKinnon] shows me my work when we meet in session. We talk about why my urge to die. It hasn’t stopped, my desire to end my life. But I have to find a way out of here. I thought of pretending I don’t want to die any longer. Thinking they will let me see Jamie. I am so pissed at her. I want to yell at her for saving me. WTF!!! Jamie. When someone wants to take their life, it belongs to them. I should be allowed to leave this world. Pain is too overwhelming. I can’t bear seeing the sordid images in my head. It’s too disturbing. Also, it’s absolutely ridiculous that committing suicide is against the law. What kind of charges are filed? Defendant is not able to be here. She is dead by her own hand. What kind of sentence does a judge pass down on someone who is dead due to taking their own life?

Where is Jamie? I need Jamie to hold me. No one here is warm like her. My animals. I miss their furriness snuggling next to my face, sharing my pillow. It is a Country Club here but it is sterile. No life. Maybe Jamie didn’t save me and I am in Hell.

If there is a Higher Power, which I sometimes believe, she wouldn’t punish people in the places artists have designed as that darkness filled with pure evil. Persons who kills themselves are not all bad. There is an argument for those mass killers who swallow a bullet before they can be captured and punished. Is death not a punishment? Depends on where it takes you. Did the Goddess create a place that fills a space outside of the Universe? Or are there parallel Universes and after Death we are transferred to one of the many.

Maybe it’s all a matter of what we wish or dream about as our fantasy of what Heaven or the Here After is in our Imagination.

Do I feel Nuts? Not at all. I just want to die. Wanting to die does not make one Nuts. Wanting to live in this Insane world seems at times to me a place that would make anyone develop Pure Madness.

Thoughts to think about as I sleep. More tomorrow.

Today a new patient at group today. She accused me of being a Prima Dona. My face with Jamie Stansfield, Academy Award Winning Actress, pissed her off. She accused me of thinking I was more cool than anyone else here. I lost track of reality long before she raged out on me. Am I in the film being made or am I making this film? At times it feels real but I don’t know which one. She has the look and sound of a homophobe. I told her Jamie loves me. Her language beats out mine for being outrageous. I don’t feel ashamed for being in love with women.

She accused me of being base. The lowest form of life. How could I, as a woman, touch another woman in a [crude remark from ID 666] way so blasphemous. That place was meant for a [man’s] prick*[*her word not mine]. To me a prick is a man who does not respect women. She obviously never heard of toys of the sexual kind. She, also, does not understand the way a woman in love with a woman in love with her really feels like. It is the sexiest, tenderest, lovingest, hottest, most intense feeling in the world.

She has no idea how madly obsessed I am by being pulled like a magnet to a woman’s intimate intensity and her Chloe scent. Many women attract my attention. Writing words of seduction to a woman who possesses my heart is like watching the faery like sleekness of a hummingbird drawn to their choice of honey sweet red. Watch them hover as they suck the sweet juices. It takes a great deal to satisfy their need. In work, the seduction is part of play, touch her with words, caressing words.

I am responsible for my own rape. Sylvia would never have gotten that close to me if I hadn’t been manipulated into getting Scottie to hire her all those years ago. If I’d never been seduced by her years ago, she would never have gotten into our lives. I think Scottie is starting to understand more. Being abused sexually and completely, fucks up your whole life. It can never be what you want it to be.

I just want to be loved. To be made love to without my becoming catatonic or cold inside. Making love starts out so beautifully. I want to love kissing. I have loved and kissed many women, but few knew how to touch my lips in the way I needed them to, in order that I would feel the depth and tenderness of their lips, also. All the kisses I felt have been from the kiss of women. Women who have driven me wild with the sensation of their lips on mine in a slow, sensual, passionate, lingering kiss. Don’t ever think about men in that way. Never have.

There is something I want to tell you, Annie, but first I just want you to know there is nothing to be jealous of in my relationship with my psychiatrist. I call her Dr. V or Virginia. She prefers it. She’s pretty young to be a psychiatrist or just looks young. Maybe she is a vampire. I notice, she usually sees me after dark or in an office with lights dimmed. She is exceptionally sharp. She told me I get attracted and attached to certain therapists and think I am in love with them, when really it is my unresolved feelings over my grandmother’s death and when my love Tosh was murdered. I have never gotten over their deaths.

I was too young when my grandmother died and needed her so much. And when Tosh died, I felt responsible. The crash was meant to happen to me. It was my car she died in. I should have been driving. She would still be alive. Some psychic told me she sacrificed herself for me. She was my angel. I was not supposed to die. She was there to guide me. Here I thought I was the one to be guiding her. Long story. Another time I think.

I think we’ve only just begun.

Before I end, Annie, I need to tell you some things about Jamie. She is not out in her public persona. Only her friends know and only one member of her family. That would be her younger brother, Wagner, the super-computer genius. Jamie takes him as her date to all her public functions. He supplies her and all her friends with any 1st edition new techno device he personally designs and turns into the next iPhone. Inside joke. Remember “Brief Sacrifice.” By the way, our film did grand. It has tripled the investments after overhead, stars, and crew, the rest goes to Infinite Imaginations INC. III. and to percentages.

I actually sounded logical there for a moment. What I need is some weed. I need to inhale some soothing power from the pipe Scottie hand-made for me. She is a genius in everything she touches. Except me, no one is that far advanced in genius.

Keep it mum about Jamie.

I love you, Annie. You are the one. The one Tosh keeps telling me “I need to open up to. You hold a secret. The secret is supposed to bring me happiness in tears and turn them into sorrow the day after the morrow.” I have no idea what this means. It is her message not mine.

No more Brief Sacrifice. Time traveling has to wait. Maybe I will write a short story for The New Yorker. As if they would publish a woman character who time travels trying to discover the hiding places of Nikola Tesla’s lost designs which would give infinite comfort to all on the planet. But the 1% would need to be thrown out into the sewers, with a few exceptions. The generous who are trying to make the world just and equal.

I need to send this to you. After that I will be visited by Scottie and Alison. It’s not far from home. Later Jamie is going to come out alone. We will finally be able to speak our minds and hearts. I haven’t seen any of them since that night I took all those pills. I couldn’t stand remembering. That night, Sylvia brought the evil, with her and let them in. Now they won’t go away. I will talk to V about this.

Love You Annie
Madison

© Madison Taylor 2008

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Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

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“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

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