Private Moments #57: Whenever I Want You

private moments in paintings & poetry
Private Moments #57: Whenever I Want You
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 1st April 2014
Posted On Monday 14th April 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS INSIDE PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #57 — Whenever I Want You

forest green shadows (c) Jkm 2014

Forest Green Shadows © Jkm 2014

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

Whenever
I
Want You

Haiku Narrative
By Madison Taylor
7th October 2008

I always need you
Whenever I want you near
My heart breaks for you

Inside my body
The heat slowly builds hotter
The Phoenix rises

Renewed to begin
Next round in battle with life
Will we all make it

Be gone death away
Create immortality
New mythology

Philosophize world
Return logic to the mind
Thinking our own minds

Break what rules our will
Holding truth higher not wealth
Fuse hearts’ blood with Love

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *

Private Moments #55 : If Truth Could Be Told

private moments in paintings & poetry
Private Moments #55: If Truth Could Be Told
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created DATE 2014
Posted On Monday 31st March 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS INSIDE PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #55 — It’s Wrong For the Right Reasons

treasures of golden dreams (c) JkM 2014

Treasures of Broken Dreams (c) Madison Taylor 2008

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

If Truth Could Be Told
Poem by Madison Taylor
22nd September 2008

Well, fuck them
If they can be so cruel
To abandon you
When you most need them

Fuck her.
The “her” is,
Well, she is
The $5 Billion Dollar Q & A.

Name anyone
And you could say
They have contributed
To your surrender.

Living in secret.
Living in fear
Of living.
Living in fear
Of loving.
Living in fear
Of Life.

Living in fear
Of Trust stolen
From you
So many times
In the Sacrifice.

Living in fear
Of Death
But only
When Death
Is a threat.

When it is sweet,
Sweet like the feelings
Of the deepest
Darkest
Depression

Carrying you
As though
In a coffin
Through the rocking
Finality
Of death.

The finality
Of Death
Is Living.

But when you try
To take
The living out
Of your own self
And enter Death
Without being called
To it properly

It causes
All sorts
Of people
To get all weird
And concerned.

When truthfully
No one
G. A. S.

No One Really Cares…

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *

Private Moments #54 : No Restrictions

private moments in paintings & poetry
Private Moments #54: No Restrictions
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 10th March 2014
Posted On Monday 24th March 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS: PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #54 — I Feel Fine

The Brain Processing Madness (c) JkM 2008

The Brain Processing Madness (c) JkM 2008

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

No Restrictions
Poem by Madison Taylor
16th September 2008

Play word games backwards
No restrictions has madness
Keen minds dividing

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

*     *      *      *      *      *      *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

*      *      *      *      *      *      *

Private Writings: Chapter #52 — Waiting for the Fall

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #52 – Waiting for the Fall

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Alexander Segregio
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 11th March 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #52 — Waiting for the Fall

Tuesday 2nd September 2008

Dear Annie,

We have a problem developing. My feelings for Jamie have been growing. Their level is rising to the top of becoming extremely intense. I would say it is love. But I don’t seem to have any idea what the fuck love feels like. I get a fix on it. It all changes up. The one I love throws denial at me. Negating everything I feel exists between us. Is she lying to me? What is real between Jamie and myself. I have been attracted to Jamie since the first time I met her. Her eyes locked mine with her look. That’s why everyone loves her on the screen.

You know what I’m talking about. Look at how your daughter Rainer goes completely shy around Jamie.

Why am I talking this way. Jamie is my heroine. She rescued me from Sylvia. It was so swashbuckling. Crashing through my study door. Getting the police on the phone. Taking down Sylvia with Patrick our cat. He was a fierce one the night Sylvia raped me. I am dealing with the reality. I may not remember it all but I know she brutalized me. After she drugged me with a paralyzing effect. Date rape drug they think. I knew what was happening but I was physically unable to stop her. She violated me worse than any man could. One thing she did, I hate to talk about it. But if I write about it to you, maybe I will be able to get it out. I will write it for you. But I don’t think I want to talk about it. At least not now or ever maybe.

What I want to tell you may drive me mad someday. She touched me all over my body, inside as well. When I feel fear, I lose control of my senses. The adrenaline is fired up shooting through my veins. My blood is pumping out of fright. She took advantage of me. My fear let me down. When she touched me, my skin responded to her touch. My stomach wanted to turn into Linda Blair and spit green soup at her. And a few spins around with my head to terrify her. Instead she kept touching all the points that trigger my sexual responses. Her touches teased the responses out of my body. Until finally she won. She turned my body around and made me completely respond by losing control of my physical reactions. She forced me to react fully to her touch. It is what a rapist can do to confuse the one being abused. It makes me feel as though my body wanted it. When I know my body wasn’t cooperating, it was being coerced and forced to have a natural release from the kind of stimulation that was happening. She stole my last connection to feeling any hope of regaining my ability to respond to the touch of a lover.

I  am mad with grief that once again an abuser took those feelings away from me. How my body feels is like a traitor to our self- preservation and sanity. My mind is going mad. That awful woman raped me and stole away the most intimate part of being physically turned on. It seems only rapists can find that inner part of me. The vulnerability of intimacy has been destroyed by force. Conquering my power and stealing my essence from me. I am a shell. Emptied by a brutality I thought was over. I felt I had finally succeeded in vanquishing my abusers from my life. My sense of safety has been smashed to pieces by sexual force. I will never be able to feel trust with anyone again.

The night of the rape, Jamie crashed in my door. She threw Sylvia off of me, while Patrick, our magnificent feline, jumped on her and sunk his claws in deep, front and back. He wasn’t going to let her go. She released a blood-curdling yell at the torture Patrick’s claws were making of her back. A certain satisfaction flooded over me when I realized the rape was physically over with Sylvia but the flashbacks and memories buried from my childhood abuse were coming through the barriers. Visually perfect clearance. My senses were feeling the walls that protected me, breaking down around me. I was hallucinating a slide show of what they did to me. The many abusers my father had lined up for me and the abuse the ‘shadow mother’ perpetrated on my body, mind, soul and overall spirit, joie de vive. I lost the battle in childhood and have been in therapy ever since. My therapist doesn’t think I ever will heal. I will just grow out from it but it will be in the foundation of my life, that holds me together. If there is rot won’t it eventually collapse? That’s what I feel it’s doing now deep inside me. Slowly destroying my self, my identity, my sanity, my dreams. I am disappearing in the maze of darkness. Trapped. No way out. Can’t see anything clearly except the past and the abuse.

Jamie came to me that night after her brave rescue. We lay down together on the floor of my study. She threw a throw over us. I was shaking. Jamie’s arms wrapped around me so gently. Her hand was stroking my hair. She whispered over and over, “It will be alright.” I knew she wanted to mean that but it wasn’t ever going to be alright. It never was alright. Being forced to have a sexual response when you find that repulsive is the worse thing that can happen when you are being sexually abused as a child or as an adult. This has happened twice to me now. Once when I was 10 and my father forced me to go off with his friend. That friend of his touched me against my will and his touches awakened a feeling inside of me I never felt before. What happened then happened with Sylvia. She forced me like my father’s friend did by touching me in a way that made it impossible to fight the way my body reacted. It haunted me then and now it is complete. The destruction of trusting my body and allowing anyone to ever touch in that way again.

It is driving me mad. I don’t trust anyone. Not even Jamie, though I may want to. I know she would never do anything to harm me. She wouldn’t force herself on me in any way. So why do I feel she has abandoned me whenever she goes away or when she is silent when you expect she will be there for you. Jamie is an exceptional woman and I love her. When we talked awhile back about love. She said it is possible to feel in love with someone special without it ever having to be sexual. To feel in love can be a powerfully emotional feeling that goes beyond a casual friendship. It is an intense spiritual bonding that relates on the level of pure love. The love in energizing. It feels spectacular. It can take you higher than any sexual love is capable of reaching.

I need this feeling of in love less the sexual element. Jamie understands. I’ve talked to her about my theory before now. It is why I trust her to comfort me. She would never put on me any inappropriate feelings that I cannot handle now, but then I never have been able to handle the sexual aspects of life, not love. I try to keep love away from sex. Keeping it pure. Real but without the Tantric side the bodies needs to  express with another person.  Working out rebellious sexual feelings one can do alone. It is the safest way to stop when you want to.

It use to be a desire of mine to have the perfect lover and to make love with everything flowing perfectly. It isn’t going to happen for me. The abusers, my parents, and siblings ruined it for me to be intimate with anyone. When I am close to anyone physically, I feel like a failure. My body takes control and shuts down. It will not open up again. The only way to have sex with me is to force yourself on me. And then you need to force me to do what you want.

It is driving me quite mad. All of this mess. I just want to die. I feel it more strongly every moment I have an opportunity to think. I try to stop myself from thinking. To stop my feelings. Screaming comes to mind. The worse thing is starting to happen, the confusion is beginning to take over my psyche. In this state, everything, everyone, everywhere feels  dangerous. Now this sense of danger surrounds me. My thoughts call out with words, ‘Please, just hold me Jamie. Where is Scottie. I need Scottie too. And Alison. I need her to be close now. I need to know no one else is in danger.’ My mind can’t think of anything but feeling threatened. There is no one I can trust. Those people touched us in places without our permission. I never wanted any of it. I hate sex with men. I hate sex with anyone. I hate being used for sex. Being forced to have sex. Having sex feel so destructive. It is an invasion of intimacy when it is not wanted and never wanted from those who force it on me.

What do you suppose it feels like when someone uses your body for their own pleasures, as if you didn’t exist except in the power they can overlord you with, knowing they can rape you anytime they want. Daytime. Nighttime. When you are asleep. Wherever you are. A molester can find you. They watch you. They know your schedule and your habits. Most of all they are uncanny at their ability to find you alone in a perfect place for them to force sex on you. Mostly, they just want to fuck you or fondle you. They take pictures of your body parts. You never feel safe. Threats are always made. Be quiet. Tell no one. Or die.

I needed to get this out. What I am feeling? Am I going mad from all of this turmoil? A darkness is coming. A depression like weighted pockets and walking into the sea to drown. Except I am afraid to drown, not to die. Let me die wiped clean of these memories of Hell and Evil. Before I die, I want to know what it feels like to be loved for who I am, not by someone who wants to kidnap my body for their own games and sadistic pleasures. There isn’t satisfaction in any of this, only nightmares.

I will send this off to you Annie so you know what is developing. Last point I will add. I am in danger from myself. It is close to hiding sharp objects and extra pills. But I won’t do that. Just in case I need to go away forever.

So sorry Annie that I feel this way. Even you won’t be able to bring me back from this mess inside my head. My body is ruined. I want to get rid of it so no else can touch it again without my permission. It is wrong to touch anyone who says no. No more wrong again touches.

Love You Annie. Please don’t ever leave me.
Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

tree sun moon swirl painitng

Artist Alexander Segregio

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

Pink Flower by Tom Bradshaw 2013

Pink Flower by Tom Bradshaw 2013

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Moments #52: In the Dark Whispers Calling

private moments in paintings & poetry
In the Dark Whispers Calling
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 23rd February 2014
Posted On Monday 10th March 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS: PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #52 — Waiting for the Fall

Winding Spirits by Madison Taylor (c) jKm 2008

Whispering Spirits by Madison Taylor (c) jKm 2008

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

In the Dark Whispers Calling
By Madison Taylor
2nd September 2008

Whispers in shy talk
Soundless in secrets
Holding in safety
Protecting the guilty

Not one can say no
Every time asked
Do you love her?
It is a crime of death

Eyes in your body
Drew her eyes to your own
Gazing beyond the moment
Cursed three in one

Death done slowly
Realizing her touch
Will be gone
Taken forever away

Unbearable to lose
Life fell from grace
Wanting it to cease
Vanquishing all dreams

Over away land is far
Traveling tiring to rest
Awakening to nothing
Building inside the mind

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *

Private Writings: Chapter #51 — Do Not Disurb

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #51 – Do Not Disturb

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 4th March 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #51 — Do Not Disturb

Tuesday 26th August 2008

Dear Annie,

When I got home from our session today, Scottie told me she had some news for me. Some good news and some bad. I told her to tell me the good news first. It had to do with our film “Whispering Spirits.” It’s been in production for two months. Today there was an injury on the set. Our new star to be, Ronan Slater, was in an accident during an action scene.

Her car lost control. It flipped over several times. Upfront Scottie told me she would be alright, just not capable of doing any acting that involves movement. Out of commission for no less than four months. That is speak for an indefinite length of time. Broke her right leg and arm in several places. Has a concussion. Some lacerations I heard were quite bloody. It would have made me faint if I were there. Thank the Goddess, worst didn’t happen. She’s very much alive. Needs some plastic work on her face.

Believe me, her accident was actually the good news. You wouldn’t think so. But when you hear the bad news you will understand why. For me, it really is worse. I’m bracing myself to tell you. Let me take a hit first. Okay. Here is where the nightmares begins. Mark the time and date. Scottie hired Sylvia Kendell to replace Ronan. Never any input asked for. Reason? Sylvia was available. Isn’t she always. An immediate decision had to be made.

Scottie wants to throw an impromptu cast party in our home this Friday night, to welcome S. Kendell to “Whispering Spirits.” I can’t mind the decision. Sylvia will be perfect in the role. I can’t disagree with Scottie. Her arguments are sound. It’s a good business move if we want “Whispering Spirits” to be made now, if it’s to have any chance of being a success. I did like Ronan. If she recovers and still wants to act, I’ll write her a role to almost die for.

I’ll finish writing this letter later. After the cast party, I’ll send it off in an email. You will see it before our next session. You can start planning our method of attack for therapy.

The party started out as an intimate dinner party. They often do. It ended up with our huge home overflowing with everyone in Hollywood that night. I was sorry you couldn’t make it. Who cares about the APA Code. Frack them. I never demand you play therapist at our functions. Just like the idea you are in my home with your family and everyone is having a great time.

Jamie Stansfield showed up. I was delighted and freaked out seeing her. What happened between us the last time we were together, I still haven’t been able to explain. I could have sworn we made love. But she said nothing happened. What she remembered was flashing sparks and zooming lights flying all around them. Jamie feels it was the mushrooms she consumed. Blames it all on hallucinations.

The way she described in detail what happened, it reminds me of the exact same way I envisioned my experience with Scottie in Paris. When we were on the bridge over the Seine. The lights were so romantic. We had just finished a meal of langoustine. It’s similar to lobster but smaller. It was cooked in a creamy garlic and butter sauce. We had garlic bread and a simple salad of mushrooms, cucumber, celery and tomatoes. I don’t like lettuce in my salad. It loses its crunch. I forgot to mention, we consumed a bottle of Champagne.

Before we left the restaurant, we went off to the powder room to freshen up. We took a few hits off a joint of fine marijuana laced with sprinklings of hash. It gave the room a golden glow. I felt lighter than air. When Scottie took my hand in hers, an electric charge shot up my air, straight into my skull. What a strange feeling. Now I know something happened. The same electric charge to my skull felt the same with Jamie. There is something specific about the charges.

On the way out, Scottie generously tipped the attendant. She smiled at us and exclaimed in a very pleased voice, “Merci, mademoiselles. Tres généreux. Puissiez-vous être visité par les féerie. Ils vous donneront une soirée divine et mystique.”

saint-christopher-medal blk bg

Saint Christopher
Saint of Travelers

She handed us each a charm. Mine was St. Christopher. In college, he made me feel safe. My hero rescued me many times. The miracle rescues were mounting up. In cat lives, I was pushing my destiny to quickly.

After we were out of the restaurant, I asked Scottie what charm did she receive from the attendant. She opened her palm to reveal her charm. I stared at it. The charm was shocking to me, yet strikingly beautiful. The image of Isis, the Winged Egyptian Goddess of Wisdom. I recognized Isis immediately. Why? She holds great significance for me. When I understand what that means, I will explain it to you first. Right now, I am going to put that part out of my mind.

winged egyptian goddess isis blk bg

Isis – Winged Egyptian
Mother Goddess of Wisdom

Scottie and I decided to take a walk. The restaurant was near the Seine. We walked for a short while until we were on a bridge that crossed over the river Seine. It was there we transcended time and space. We were surrounded by the energy I felt the other night with Jamie. Why would they both tell me, when I felt that I made love to them, that nothing happened. The experience was too grand to be an hallucination. How could this happen, first of all? And the fact that it did happen, supposedly, why the same hallucination with two different women? It doesn’t make any sense.

Someone is messing with the spirit forces that surround me. I may sound crazy but I have been sensing a darkness coming. It is getting closer. What it is or who it is, I have no idea yet. I do know that Sylvia was here tonight. My whole body went into a complete chill when I saw Sylvia approaching Scottie and me. We were near the glass wall near the back of our open room, for just such occasions. The expansive window overlooked our forest of trees, the gardens, wild and tame, filled with our grand selection of flowers and plants.

Back to the dinner party that turned into the event of the season. A way to end summer and usher in the Fall Film Releases for Oscar noms.

I was happy, even with all the insane changes. Until that night, later after the party, I felt an intensely heavy depression start pulling me into the darkness. As the control from the depression pushed down on my brain, Sylvia found me alone in my study. Why her?

She encouraged me to try a new type of MJ. It was a new hybrid strain called Nighttime Black. It was an Indica. She, also, had a Sativa strain with her. It had a strange name. Let me think. I remember. Bella Twilight. We smoked the Nighttime Black. After two hits, I cut myself off. My body was floating upward from the couch. But my body was still on the couch. We were completely disconnected. Seriously, I felt paralyzed. That’s when everything started going badly. What Sylvia did next was so wrong in so many illegal ways.

Sylvia locked my study door. She closed all the curtains. When she completed her task, she sat down as close to my still body on the settee. She began removing my cloths until I was naked. I felt angry but more frightened. My body was unable to do a thing to stop her. Even my voice was shut off.

The precise word to describe what Sylvia did to me is Rape. Her vulture hands pulled at my flesh inside and out. She forced herself on me. Her lips touched mine. She felt cold to me. My savior was too leave. Floating around the room, I watched emotionless. My depression was even dampened. All I felt emotionally was alienated. Where were my heroines? Scottie, Jamie, Alison, find me. Rescue me. Please hear me. I need you now in my study.

No one broke the door down. I was beginning to feel I was insane. This could not possibly be happening to me, now. I was lost in my thoughts, wishing for help, when Jamie came crashing through my study door. Carter McLeod to my rescue and her cat James. It was actually Patrick. He jumped on Sylvia’s back. Yowling and growling, with claws deeply entrenched in Sylvia’s back the whole time.

The police were called. They arrested Sylvia. Jamie held me until the police arrived. Scottie showed up a few minutes after she heard the sirens outside approaching our home. When she saw Jamie’s arms around me, she questioned us on what was going on. Scottie sat on the other side of me. Both Jamie and Scottie held me together.

I slipped out of bed to finish this letter to you. Jamie is staying with us tonight. Our bed is full with Alison on one side of Scottie and myself on the other side. Behind me is Jamie. Do you know how warm it is to be held by both my partner and the woman I am most attracted to in the whole world outside of Scottie? It was pure bliss, even though I know in the morning I have to give the police my full statement. I was too in shock to talk to them tonight. Our lawyer, Michael explained it was her Psychoanalyst orders that she rest and not speak until she was ready. I was never going to be ready.

The cops left. We all snuggled in bed together. I can’t bear the thought of having to recall what the evil bitch did to me. It’s too much to bear. My depression has returned and feeling more powerful against me. My thoughts are on killing myself. What she did was as awful as my abuse when I was a kid. Maybe worse, it was a woman. Being abused by a female is more unexpected, so it feels more brutal. It reminds me of ‘the shadow mother’ and her treatment.

I have to stop. I will write again if I need to. Otherwise, we can talk more in our next session. I am closing this letter here. It has all been too much. If I’m in any danger of doing anything, I will call you. I promise.

That’s all I can handle for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Winding Spirits by Madison Taylor (c) jKm 2008

Whispering Spirits by Madison Taylor (c) jKm 2008

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

painting of a flower light colour lilac

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Moments #51 : The Disturbing Madness

private moments in paintings & poetry
The Disturbing Madness
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 23rd February 2014
Posted On Monday 3rd March 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS: PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #51 — The Disturbing Madness

who are you by jk mccormack (c) jKm 2014

Who Are You? by Madison Taylor (c) jKm 2008

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

The Disturbing Madness
Stream of Consciousness
By Madison Taylor
26th August 2008

In a dream the madness called
Out a name of a lost soul following
The road leading in a circle coming
Unto itself it looks for healing light
Shining out from the glow glistening
Moonlight hides escaping the echoing sun
Clouds block the sight unseen through eyes
Searching for a sign claiming treasures marked
An unknown letter found in a cryptic message
In the sand castles washing away with each crashing
Wave goodbye to time traveling yesterday gone
Disappeared trapping the lost animals looking
A home is found to store memories loose
In the wind carrying away the flying kites
Children holding onto dreams growing
Older and older the world evolves toward
The end into a beginning started long ago
Once upon that hill the view was spectacular
Spectacular finding love when looking for answers
To the universe keeping hidden the secrets
Convoluted in minds shapes seeing sizes
Diminishing the shadows edge untouchable
Disappearing from touches ungiven
The skin loses its sense of identity not knowing
What it is no one noticed it was dissolving
Lacking nourishment contact has vanished
Regain the perspective of change understanding
Will develop in the mind traveling through the spaces
Timing dimensions relativity to infinity
Beyond its never ending expansion of space
The continuum of the ever after upon now

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p

“Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *

Private Writings: Chapter #50 – Fated Attraction

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #50 – Fated Attraction

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting Two Naked Ladies by Anonymous
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 25th February 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #50 — Fated Attraction

Tuesday 19th August 2008

Dear Annie,

I am going to write you an unusual letter tonight. If I get too descriptive, I apologize, but I feel you need to hear a very descriptive imagery of what happened at our dinner party. Not bringing it up in session was on purpose. This needed to be written down when I felt ready to tell you. Well, now is the time.

This is when, where, and how it all developed and happened. I am not proud or ashamed of what happened. It just felt right and I am not sure that it is going to stop. What I feel is more intense than anything I have ever felt. Except when I knew someone I have spoken of before. But I don’t want to bring her into this. It has nothing to do directly with her.

Scottie and I decided we needed to have a particular dinner party with very special guests. The list, as you know, included as hosts, Scottie, Alison and myself. Our guests were you, Annie, and your husband Alex and daughter Rainer, my friend Lady Chablis, and our special guest Jamie Stansfield, our hero Carter from Brief Sacrifice.

At the party, we broke off into pairs. I spent time with Jamie. Scottie talks with Alex. Rainer hangs out with Alison. You, Annie, hang out with my friend Lady Chablis, the famous actress, not to be named here. You must have enjoyed her company. She is fabulous. I hope Alex enjoyed Scottie’s company.

I went off and got stoned with Jamie. I needed to. Someone needed to kiss someone. I felt attracted to Jamie already but the kiss secured it. Jamie kissed me and I wanted it. My usual withdrawal to anything physical, especially physical touching leading to anything sexual freaks me out on the inside only. I never show anybody it bothers me to be touched. It doesn’t stop them. So why should I let them know how being touched affects me. It leaves one too exposed for anyone to know.

Jamie caught me off-guard when she brought her face close to mine. My breathing became shallow. Jamie took my face into her hands. Her lips touched mine very gently. My insides were all in a muddle. I was melting from the heat filling my body up. I hadn’t felt this deep a physical feeling since that day. A day needing a lifetime of therapy. Not the day She died in my arms. That was love. I mean when one of my abusers did the worse thing you can do to a child against their will. I really can’t talk about it now. Too painful. Too shameful. Something that never should have happened and been stole from me. A memory that warped my mind, haunts my every memory, and flashes behind my eyes at the mere feeling of it.

I took Jamie’s hand, led her to my study, where I locked the door. Jamie sat down on the settee. I went to get two glasses, a bottle of brandy, and a pipe filled with some fine cannabis. I have a prescription for my nerves and the pain in my back. Haven’t I ever mentioned the Medicinal Marijuana? It helps with my memory, too. Right now, all I have left is a scar on my back.

Steel stabbed through my body that night. I lost so much blood I came close to walking the white road. But what was worse, the woman I wished for, I dreamed of, I had, was stolen from me that night. My wound healed on the outside but my life was still stolen when her life was taken away from me. That is my selfish attitude. Of course, I know she was stolen from the rest of the world inside her life. Even if they were worthless, with maybe one exception, the rest tried to suck out her soul. I protected her by not letting them near her. That was what she wanted. But when that wasn’t enough they tried to kill me but she put herself between us.

Does anyone ever get over being murdered? Or having someone save your life by sacrificing theirs?

I am moving past this into the next passage, where I am going to get subliminally graphic. Just thought I would put in a WARNING ALERT. I feel a need to describe it. Bare with me. Jamie and I have entered into my study slash library. So, back to Jamie, if you will.

“Here we are, Jamie. Take a glass, please.” I poured her glass first. After placing my drink on the edge of the desk, I took out the pipe I had filled with pot. It had a similar effect to that of Thai weed. Do you remember it? I took one hit, passed the pipe and lighter to Jamie. When she smoked her hit, she carefully put the pipe on the desk. I motioned Jamie to sit closer.

Her body now touched mine. The sensation made my heart pound. I could feel it in my throat. Jamie’s hand began caressing the length of my neck. I reached my right hand around to the back of Jamie’s neck and brought her head close to my face. Our lips touched in slow motion. Feeling the change of their shape as the pressures varied and our mouths blended together. A feeling of an endless embrace, falling into the sensation, with no parting of lips ever to come. The depth of feelings traveling from my lips through my body, were nothing I had felt before. Everything was so new and alive. Her hands found places on my body where her skin melted through my clothing into my body. We had joined together as if one being possessed by another in a permanent embrace. No ending, just eternity.

Feeling all of this was a total surprise for me. I have desired feeling this way and never found a person I trusted enough to surrender to in this way. I love Scottie but she never understood my need for her to be patient. She was rough in as gentle a way as possible. But with Jamie, it was soft and sensual. No one ever touched me this way, not since the night my elusive dream was stolen. Dreams are what they are. I woke up and it was over. My life disappeared until I met Scottie. With her I regained life. One with safety and security and a very active sex life. One we enjoyed while high on drugs and alcohol.

It was a creative sex life. We experimented, trying anything new that seemed it would be exciting. But something was missing. Not anything inside of Scottie. It was inside of me, or better expressed, something missing from inside of my mind and body. A disconnection that occurred at a specific moment in the touch of love making. It was when my body wanted to give up control. My mind wouldn’t let go and my body followed. All shut down abruptly and completely. It was the end of feeling anything.

A dilemma which has consistently occurred throughout my life. It all started with one particular abuser. He stole something one cannot find after it has been taken. It was more than rape. It was stealing my sexual freedom. The art of completely letting go. Something most people desire in their life. I am able to do it with my painting and writing but not with my body. She doesn’t belong to me. Maybe it even does effect my art.

Jamie has reawakened something in me that only one other person was able to find. A complete abandon and enjoyment of freedom and letting go, releasing the spirit to scream in ecstasy, joy and bliss.

It may not be fair to Scottie. Never have I been with anyone sexually, where I willingly wanted someone to touch me. More than willingly. I could not resist wanting her hands on my body. Her lips touching mine. I wanted to be consumed by her. I wanted us to melt into each other where our energy and souls became one forever. Never to separate again.

I describe wanting her to touch me. She wasn’t the only one who wanted to touch someone. My hands wanted to reach out and touch her face, to make sure she was real, not in my imagination. Her skin was warm. Touching her skin made me feel electric. The nerves inside of me were lit by currents of energy. Every connection in my body was flowing together. I wanted to be lost in her forever.

I knew the moment must end. Life would return to normal but it was normal. I felt something alive and real. Someone who understood my fear and magically made it disappear. It’s not being sexual that brought me back to life. It was letting the touch in, and allowing myself to be free to feel her hands on my skin and inside my flesh. It was the joining of love.

I love Jamie. I always felt her specialness. We are soul mates of a different kind. Not what books are written about. No one writes about being made to feel whole with someone else, without it having to be sexual. It is a bonding that merges power and spiritual energy. A sharing of being alive and feeling real. It isn’t easy to do and is rarer than it should be. I have found it three times in my life. We all mistake sex for love. Sex is sex. Love may happen when sex is happening. But Love stands strongly on its own. Love is the power that makes everything alive and real. It is what I have been searching for my entire life. It is so special but rare. Be gentle when you find it. I hope I have found it with Jamie.

Don’t lose hope, Annie. I love Scottie and want to be with her beyond the beyond. But I want to be with Jamie, too. And all those people who I feel close with now and I have felt bonded with in my past. A short list but one I will feel connected to forever.

I have reached the end of this letter. There will be more. It is an interesting read, I am quite certain you found that out Annie.

But that is all for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

Before the end, I would like to send a thought to Jamie with all my love. I want to say to her, if I had the courage, I would tell you, it isn’t about sex at all. My abusers planted the dark seed inside of me and it blocked out the light so I could not see what was real. Just a distortion came through of moderating sex by ascribing it as the only way love is expressed. But that is a lie. It truly is not about sex. It is about bonding and feeling whole with the person you love. All relationships are different. The ones which make you come alive and feel real inside are rare. Treat them with respect and give freely of your love. This is the purist of feelings and the richest of relationships. A friendship created from out of the depths of pure love.

“The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return.”

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Two Naked Ladies - Anonymous

Two Naked Ladies – Anonymous

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

flower of great beauty purple dk and lt yellow

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Madison's Study/Library

Madison’s Study/Library

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Moments #50: Fated Attraction

private moments in paintings & poetry
Fated Attraction
Private Moments #50
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 10th February 2014
Posted On Monday 24th February 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS: PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #50 — Fated Attraction

Innocence Abandoned - Artist MTaylor (c) jKm 2008

Innocence Abandoned – Artist MTaylor (c) jKm 2008

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

Fated Attraction
By Madison Taylor
19th August 2008

Fated attraction
Confusing reaction
To a retraction
Of loving contraction

Voices I hear now
Speak your name clear now
The word is you love me
It’s something you can’t see

One day when you wake up
You’ll see what was once ours
Possibilities of pure love
Beyond time this love endures

Have you really left me?
Leaving unfinished memories
The pain I’ve been feeling undeniably true
I live now in my nightmare without you

© MTaylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p

“Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

* * * * * * *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

* * * * * * *

No One Expects…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
No One Expects…
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Created on 29th January 2014
Posted on Saturday 22nd February 2014
POETRY IN TONE

White Rabbit – Jefferson Airplane

In the universe,
There are things that are known
And things that are unknown,
And in between there are doors.
-— William Blake

No One Expects…
By Jennifer Kiley
29th January 2014

Serious moments
Coercion in practice
Pulling me closer
Building my trust
Hearts crushing
Veins crashing
Got to move on now

Doors slamming shut
You closed me out
Cold is your blood
Left me lying there
Sinking in the cold
Wet mud
The quicksand
With no gravity

No one expects love
To rust
To turn in to
Distrust
Must I think of you?
Everywhere I look
You haunt me there
You stare
With blank eyes
You don’t care

A mirage is seen
A message echoing
Inside a recording
Shadows following
Words whispering
Sounds out loud

Are you there?
Did you ever care?
Were you visiting?
And just resisting
Trying emotions
Wrestling with honesty?

Can’t bear your shadow
Near me
Testing me
Trying to steal
Enticing away
Those I love

Sending her
To stalk me
To break me down
Find what’s touching off
Thoughts inside my brain

Your vibration
Your excitation
Has it been easy
Trying to destroy me
You so easily
Implore me

What can you find?
What’s left?
In my mind
The rest is crazy
Gone mad
You made me

Like you had
Gone mad
Only bad
It’s sad
What was your destiny?

To be small
Nothing big enough
At all
You won’t reach those heights
You’ll never get there
And I don’t care

Is it meant
for me instead?
Believing
Isn’t wrong
Dreaming

Thoughts working
Their way in the mind
Thinking alone
For the self

Dreaming the dream
Is a gift to the soul
For giving life

© JkM 2014

Eye of Tigyr Burning Bright - Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2014

Eye of Tigyr Burning Bright – Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2014