Private Writings: Chapter #49 – Got To Get You Into My Life

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #49 – Got To Get You Into My Life

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Gustav Klimpt – The Embrace
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 18th February 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #49 – Got To Get You Into My Life

Tuesday 12th August 2008

Dear Annie,

Before I get into what I want to write specifically, I wanted to bring up Alison Porter. Scottie and my adopted daughter. Since she returned from Yale Acting School, she has been working at our studio, doing odd jobs. Watching Scottie and I work. Well, it hasn’t been officially announced. Alison is going to be in our next film. I wrote a screenplay for her. She will be starring opposite someone very special to me.

This is where the story begins and where the letter I want to write has started. Just before my grandmother died she encouraged me to find someone outside of the family with whom I could look up to for guidance. There wasn’t anybody. My grandmother knew of my aspirations for wanting to write film scripts and to be part of making films. There was an actress my grandmother felt was incredible and she wanted me to meet her. My grandmother knew her. She knew everyone or they knew her. One of the wealthiest women in the country. She became the person who took over emotionally when my grandmother died. I can’t explain my feelings. My grandmother was my world. When she died I went a bit mad. The actress my grandmother introduced me to, one day called me. We talked and talked about everything. Her call was to tell me she was here for me. Whenever I needed or wanted to contact her, she gave me her contact information for anywhere she might be reached. It didn’t take long to grow close. I believe I fell in love with her. The woman I loved as an actor and now I love as my closest friend ever. I never saw this friendship coming. Or that we would ever meet.

I think it made it easier when I met Scottie and after college we both got inside the film world. Scottie really liked my actor friend right away. She approves of her relationship with me and the feeling is mutual on the other end. She was married to a man, a director, who loved her madly and she loved him equally as strong. He encouraged our friendship. The feelings are very special between us. I loved her when I was growing up and still feel the same strength of feeling I’ve always felt toward her. When I see her photographs or hear her voice I become transfixed and excited. I belong to an online group who feel the same way.

When I was a kid she was a child star and part of my fantasy world. I thought I would meet her brother Chris some day and marry him. Then we’d be family. I was so absorbed with her. We talked on the phone when I was a teenager. This was before my grandmother introduced us over the phone. My grandmother told me great stories about her. First, she moved here from England when she was pretty little. She acted on the stage starting really young. She trained at The Actors Studio. Her first performance on Broadway was in Tennessee Williams’ The Glass Menagerie. I saw that play when I was 12. It was confusing to me at the time. I felt like the girl in the play. Everything I owned was broken including myself.

Let’s be less serious. One day, I called the studio where she was working, she was gone for the day. I told them it was important that I reach her and that I was a friend of her therapist, would they please give me her number. The person gave it to me without question. Of course, I knew her therapist, my grandmother told me they saw the same Psychoanalyst, so I used the name. I’m sure it’s why the person at the studio felt so free in giving me her number. Anyway I called her. I had witnesses. Her assistant answered the phone. I got up the courage and asked to speak to her.

She said, “Just a moment please.

Shortly, she came to the phone. She would have been about 18 yrs old then. I was only 3 years younger. We chatted for what seemed like a long time. She was wonderful. We both enjoyed the conversation. Before we said goodbye, I told her about my grandmother and asked if we could talk again some time. I knew it was a huge risk, an imposition but she so enjoyed our talk, and agreed. We exchanged our information. I had her number, so she wanted mine and my mailing address too. She gave me hers, also. Then we hung up our phones.

I proceeded to faint. It was one of the highest moments of my life. Everyone who knew me knew how I felt about her. They all thought I was mental and weird. I didn’t care. My grandmother was right about her. I loved them both. Her movies were seen multiple times by me. When I say multiple I mean over 20 times while in the theatres and more times when they hit DVD. She has been in Oscar winning films for Best Film and she has won Best Actress once and nominated several times. We have most of her movies in our collection except the ones that are not available.

After my grandmother died, I became lost, a touch mad. She called one day shortly after the funeral. What she said to me has had such a profound effect on my life since that day. We have kept up our friendship ever since. We chat everyday now. I leave messages for her and next day there would be an answer back. And on our cells, we both love to text, so we do that all of the time. It drives Scottie nuts.

It is great to have a friend I feel I can trust with telling her anything. I never told you her name. I will some day. For now let us refer to her as Lady Chablis. I love her so much that I want her in my life forever.

She disappeared a few years ago. Just for awhile. Her incredible husband died. She went to France to heal but will never forget him. I received a letter from her in today’s mail. She is on her way back to the states and she is suppose to arrive today in L.A. I texted her right away. She got back to me and we made plans to meet. Later today. We have never met in person. It’s not that unusual for me. I live online or at the studio. I will write the rest of this letter after I get back from spending time with her. I am so excited and enormously overwhelmed. It just takes my breath away. What will we talk about? I know don’t be silly.

Later. Got to get ready. You will hear all about it when I return.

How wild was that. I am in love with her. When we hugged for the first time, I got lost in her arms. It didn’t feel like she wanted to let go either. We talked like we had been together in person for years. Everything between us was natural. Lady Chablis is my best friend. She really is my best friend. Scottie will understand if I have something special with Lady Chablis. Scottie knows I love her beyond time. Lady Chablis is someone so special only my grandmother ever brought these feelings out in me. Now I feel them for L.C. … She is forever just like my grandmother. It made for the most perfect day ever.

That’s all for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Gustav Klimt The Embrace

Gustav Klimt The Embrace

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

Orchid_flower 5 blue dk blue 4 lady blue

Orchid Blue

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own imaginations”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bg

Medical Marijuana MMJ

Private Moments #48: Never Home Again

Editor’s Corner finished its course last week on Monday 3rd February. It is available as a resource in an archive. Click HERE to go to the Editor’s Corner Archive on Shawn MacKenzie’s MacKenzie’s Dragonsnest. In the Editor’s Corner’s spot, starting today, I am using Monday to present the Poem, Painting and Music that accompany my weekly Chapter from Private Writings, Posted on Tuesdays on ‘the secret keeper.’ Hope you enjoy both. The Archives for Past Chapters are just above on the Page ‘PRIVATE WRITINGS ARCHIVE.’ JkM the secret keeper

private moments in paintings & poetry
Never Home Again
Private Moments: #48
Painting by Jk McCormack
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Post Created 19th January 2014
Posted On Monday 10th February 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS: PAINTINGS & POETRY
Private Writings: Chapter #48 — Where You Once Belonged

Streaking - Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2007

Streaking – Artist Madison Taylor (c) madison taylor 2007

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

Flashing Sparks
Poem by Madison Taylor
5th August 2008

Flashing sparks
In lost memories
Quickening dreams
Following sightings
Of lost time

Hands touching flesh
Feelings wash over
The body outside
Of consciousness
Floating endlessly

Ceilings found close
Eyes looking down
Outside is cold
Uncovered frame
Asleep alone

One exception
No one has a face
Is with the child
Dreaming nightmares
Inside dark shadows

Hovering above
Watching evil
Action taken
To know the inside
Entry forced

Within sounds
Movement starting
Sensations building
Complications unknown
Dying within

Nights stolen
Anticipation
Safety waiting
Music playing
Retrieving silence

Sparks flashing
Editing thoughts
Organizing order
Lighting truth
Chasing out death

© madison taylor 2007

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p

“Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer
into the private moments
of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Anais Nin Speaking with Henry Miller – Part Three

a writer's word - day title sunday
Anais Nin Speaking with Henry Miller – Part Three
Created by Jk the secret keeper
Illustrations by j. kiley
Created 11th January 2014
Posted Sunday 12th 2014
A WRITER’S WORD

anais-nin photo

Anais Nin

Anais Nin
Speaking with Henry Miller
Part Three

I confide
in him
completely,

in the
profound
Henry.

He is
won over.

He says,
“Such love
is wonderful.
I do not hate
or despise
that. I see
what you give
each other.

I see it
so well.

Let me
read on.

This is
a revelation
to me.

I tremble
while
he is
reading.

He understands
too well.

Suddenly
he says,
“Anais,
I have
just realized
that what I give
is something
course
and
plain,

compared
to that.
I realize
that when
June returns
. . .”

I stop
him.

“You don’t
know what
you have
given me!

It is not
Course
and
plain.”

And then
I add,
“You see
a beautiful
June now.”

Ophelia [1889] Artist John William Waterhouse

Ophelia [1889] Artist John William Waterhouse

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

poetry out loud - day title saturday

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Created on Saturday 7th December 2013
Posted On Saturday 4th January 2014
POETRY OUT LOUD

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me [Original]

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
— Anonymous

If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not here to see,
If the sun should rise you find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you
And each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

He said my place was ready, in heaven far above
And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned and walked away a tear fell from my eye.
For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do.
It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad.
I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

When I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow
I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.
When I walked through heavens gates I felt so much at home.
God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden throne

He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you”
Today your life on earth has passed but here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last
And since each day is the same there’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.
You have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts with out me don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me, I’m right here in your heart.

sunrise clouds sea most beautiful 10

Anais Nin Speaking with Henry Miller – Part One

a writer's word - day title sunday
Anais Nin Speaking with Henry Miller – Part One
Transposed by Jennifer Kiley
Created on 28th December 2013
Posted On Sunday 29th December 2013
A WRITER’S WORD

anais-nin photoAnais Nin

Anais Nin
Speaking with Henry Miller
Part One

He looked
so serious.

His violence
has burnt
itself out.

The coarseness,
in the alchemy,
became strength.

He had
received
a letter
from June,

in pencil,
irregular,
mad, like
a child’s moving,
simple cries,

of her love
for him.

“Such a letter
blots out
everything.”

I felt
the moment
had come
to expose
the June
I knew,

to give
him June,
“because it
will make
you love
her more.

It’s a
beautiful
June.

Other days
I thought
you might laugh
at my portrait,

jeer at
its naïveté.

Today
I know
you won’t.”

Mar_de_rocas_by_ELENADUDINAMar de Rocas – Artist Elena Dudina

Auld Lang Syne

poetry out loud - day title saturday

Auld Lang Syne
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Created on Saturday 6th December 2013
Posted on Saturday 28th December 2013
POETRY OUT LOUD

New-years-eve-2 champagne glasses full happy new year ADD YEAR BELOW

Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne
Sung by Lea Michele

Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should all acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne

And surely you will buy your cup
And surely I’ll buy mine
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne

We too have run around the slopes
And picked the daisies fine
We’ve londoned many weary foot
Since auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne

We too have paddled in the stream
From morning sun to night
But the seas between us broad have roared
From auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne
We’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne

Happy-New-Year ADD 2014

Anaïs Nin: In a Conversation With Henry Miller – Part Two

a writer's word - day title sunday

Anaïs Nin: In a Conversation
With Henry Miller – Part Two

Transposed by Jennifer Kiley
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Post Created Friday 6th December 2013
Posted on Sunday 15th December 2013
A WRITER’S WORD

Anais Nin

Anaïs Nin

Anaïs Nin
In a Conversation
With Henry Miller
Part Two

Truth.
What ferocity
in your quest
of it.

At times
I’m sure
you want
to resuscitate
your blind worship,

Your blindness.
In some
strange way,

I am not
with you,
I am
against you.

We are destined
to hold
two truths.

When you
caricature,
tears apart,
I hate you.

I want
to fight
your realism
with all
the magic
forces
of poetry.”

He carries
one vision
of the world
as monstrous,

And I
carry mine.

They oppose
each other,

And also
complement
each other.

If
at moments
I see
the world
as he
does,

Will he
sometimes
see
the world
as
I do?

ophelia-1889 john william waterhouse

Ophelia-1889 John William Waterhouse

Anaïs Nin in a Conversation with Henry Miller – Part One

a writer's word - day title sunday

Anaïs Nin
In a Conversation
With Henry Miller
Part One
Written by Anaïs Nin
Transposed/Edited by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Post Created on Friday 29th November 2013
Posted On Sunday 01st December 2013
A WRITER’S WORD

Anais Nin

Anaïs Nin

Anaïs Nin
In a Conversation
With Henry Miller
Part One

“We have a common objective
Passion for truth.

I have been trying
to be honest,
day by day,
in the diary.

You are right
when you speak
of my honesty.
I make an effort.

At least.
It is feminine
to be oblique.

It is not trickery.

It is a fear
of being judged.

What we analyze,
will it die?

Will June die?

Will our feelings
die suddenly,
if you should
make a caricature
of them?

There is
a danger
in too much
knowledge.

You have
a passion
for absolute
knowledge.

You will
be hated
because
of this.

There are truths
human beings
can’t bear.


And sometimes
I do feel
your relentless
analysis
of June
leaves
something
out.

You go
about it
like
a surgeon
with
a scalpel.

And as
you cut,
you kill
what you
cut into.

What will
you do
after
you
exposed
all there is
to expose
about June?”

Waterhouse NarcissusNarcissus – Artist J.W. Waterhouse

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day

poetry out loud - day title saturday
Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day
Shakespeare – Sonnet XVIII
Video Discovered by j. kiley
Post Created on Saturday 16th November 2013
Posted On Saturday 23rd November
Happy Birthday Gran Emily 133 yrs b. 23rd November 1880
POETRY OUT LOUD

Sonnet XVIII – Shakespeare – Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day

SONNET XVIII

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

Blooming Blue Flowers for Emily with Love

Blooming Blue Flowers for Emily with Love Jk

Benedict Cumberbatch: [The Fifth Estate] Answers Assange

special edition day anyBenedict Cumberbatch: [The Fifth Estate] Answers Assange
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Illustrated by j. kiley
Post Created on Saturday 12th October 2013
Posted On Saturday 12th October 2013
SPECIAL EDITION

Actor Benedict Cumberbatch

the-fifth-estate-uk-posterBenedict Cumberbatch: [The Fifth Estate] Answers Assange’s Open Letter

Benedict Cumberbatch participated in a Reddit Ask Me Anything session on Friday in support of his new film, “The Fifth Estate,” and he was asked about Julian Assange’s open letter to the actor. In a missive dated Jan. 15, 2013, Assange admonished Cumberbatch for participating in the new film, which tracks the rise of WikiLeaks.

“I believe that you should reconsider your involvement in this enterprise,” Assange wrote, before then adding that he wouldn’t meet with Cumberbatch, a request the 37-year-old actor made before the film’s production began. “By meeting with you, I would validate this wretched film, and endorse the talented, but debauched, performance that the script will force you to give.”

Cumberbatch said the letter did give him pause, but also emboldened him into taking the role. His detailed response is below:

He accuses me of being a ‘hired gun’ as if I am an easily bought cypher for right wing propaganda. Not only do I NOT operate in a moral vacuum but this was not a pay day for me at all. I’ve worked far less hard for more financial reward.

This project was important to me because of the integrity I wanted to bring to provocative difficult but ultimately timely and a truly important figure of our modern times. The idea of making a movie about someone who so far removed from my likeness or situation who brought about an ideal through personal sacrifice that has changed the way we view both social media, the power of the individual to have a voice in that space, and be able to question both the hypocrisies and wrongdoings of organizations and bodies of powerful people that rule our lives. …

This resonated deeply with my beliefs in civil liberty, a healthy democracy, and the human rights of both communities and individuals to question those in authority.

I believe that the film, quite clearly, illuminates the great successes of wikileaks and its extraordinary founder Julians Assange. As well as, examining the personalities involved and what became a dysfunctional relationship within that organization. While the legacy of his actions and the organizations continue to evolve and only history will be the true judge of where this is leading us.

‘The Fifth Estate’ is a powerful, if dramatized, entry point for a discussion about this extraordinary lurch forward in our society. I wanted to create a three dimensional portrait of a man far more maligned in the tabloid press than he is in our film to remind people that he is not just the weird, white haired Australian dude wanted in Sweden, hiding in an embassy behind Harrods. But a true force to be reckoned with, achieved the realization of the great ideal.

I’m proud to be involved in tackling such a contentious character and script. There is only personal truth in my opinion, and the film should provoke debate and not consensus. It should be enjoyable and ultimately empowering to realize that Julian has spearheaded a movement that is the foundations stone of ‘The Fifth Estate,’ people journalism and what that is capable of including finding out the ‘truth’ for yourself.

The Fifth Estate [Official Trailer]