Category Archives: psych diagnoses

Genius or Madness?

Genius or Madness?
“Up/Down” Bipolar Disorder Documentary
Post Created by Jk the SK
Illustrated by j. kiley
Created May 12th 2013
Posted May 13th 2013

Original Transcript
6 November 2012
Genius or Madness?
Professor Glenn Wilson

“Great wits are sure to madness near allied, and thin partitions do their bounds divide” (John Dryden, 1681).
“There is no great genius without a tincture of madness” (Seneca, 1st Century A.D.).

dali spider of the evening

Many great artists and scientists appear to have gone slightly mad following their lofty achievements. Isaac Newton was arguably the greatest physicist of all time, introducing the concept of gravity and making major advances in optics, mechanics and mathematics. He was also intensely suspicious and distrustful of others and in later life dabbled in alchemy and sought hidden messages in the Bible. Of course, alchemy was not thought a mad pursuit in Newton’s day and he could have been afflicted with mercury poisoning as a result of his experiments.

dali the disintegration of the persistance of memory

Beethoven and Van Gogh are also said to have gone progressively mad, though the reasons are equally debatable. Beethoven’s mania may have been due to alcoholism, syphilis, or lead poisoning (apart from his profound deafness, which would distress anyone, let alone a musician). There are theories that Van Gogh’s mood swings were caused by porphyria rather than bipolar disorder, that he lost his ear in a duel with Gauguin (claiming self-injury to maintain his friendship) and that his “suicide” was an accidental shooting by two boys playing cowboys (whom he also protected).

van gogh starry night on the rhone

For others, the genius and madness appear in parallel. Nikola Tesla was a brilliant applied scientist whose inventions rivaled those of Edison. He obtained around 300 patents in radio and electricity technologies, pioneering alternating current and hydroelectric power. However, he claimed to be in communication with other planets, to have invented “death rays” and suffered from bizarre compulsions.

van gogh bridge

John Nash, the Nobel-winning mathematician who developed “game theory” for the social sciences also suffered paranoid delusions throughout his career. He was hospitalised involuntarily and had to feign sanity to be released. He still heard the voices but learned how to live with them and not to talk about them. “I wouldn’t have had such good scientific ideas if I had thought more normally” he said.

van gogh starry night

Sometimes it is a matter of chance or social milieu that determines whether an individual is deemed brilliant or crazy. To the Counter-Reformation Church leaders, Galileo was not necessarily mad (probably just heretical) but they clearly failed to appreciate his genius and subjected him to a lifetime of house arrest. In other times and places Picasso and Einstein might have been committed to an insane asylum rather than revered for their original thinking.

moby dick – jackson pollock

Many lists of creative achievers throughout history have been compiled along with mental health symptoms and diagnostic categories retrospectively assigned to them. Unfortunately, these are mostly anecdotal, speculative and lacking in proper controls for comparison. Some have argued that the connection between genius and madness has been over-egged because of a few high-profile cases such as those described above.

virginia woolf by george charles beresford 1902

The best evidence in support of the genius-madness link comes from behaviour genetics. The close relatives of creative people are more likely to be schizophrenic and vice versa (psychotics having more creative relatives). Einstein, for example, had a son who was schizophrenic, while Bertrand Russell had many schizophrenic relatives. According to Simonton (1999), “creative hits and crazy misses” are mixed within many illustrious family pedigrees, including the Darwins, Galtons and Huxleys.

virginia woolf

The first degree relatives of creative people are actually more prone to mental disorders than creatives themselves. This is because actual illness (as opposed to its genetic predisposition) is likely to impede a creative career. The exception seems to be writers, who themselves show high rates of many behavioural disorders, including psychoses, mood disorders, substance abuse and suicide.

Could the environment also be involved? Traumatic events in childhood and orphan status seem more common in those who make outstanding contributions to art and science. In a study of 700 high achievers, found that three-quarters had troubled childhoods, especially loss of a parent. The “school of hard knocks” could provide motivation and inspiration (Dickens and Chaplin come to mind here) while at the same time generating psychological disorder. However, this idea is opposite to the common-sense view that parental support and encouragement is beneficial to achievement, rather than maltreatment and deprivation. Indeed, the Goetzels found that wealth was more common in the backgrounds of famous people than poverty. And of course, pathology in the parents may be genetically transmitted to their children, thus accounting for some of the associations reported.

Virginia Woolf

Similar thought processes, such as unusual and grandiose ideas, together with a determination to promote them, seem to link genius and psychosis. Certain neurotransmitters and gene loci have been cited as common to both, including the male sex hormone testosterone, a gene relating to a growth factor involved in neural development and plasticity called neuregulin 1 (NRG1 and genes modulating dopamine transmission in the brain, e.g., DARPP-32.

virginia woolf painting

Unconventional thinking is characteristic of a constitutional personality trait called Psychoticism (P). This has many facets, including tough-mindedness, lack of empathy, impulsiveness, risk-taking, adventure-seeking, bizarre thinking, and a refusal to adhere to social norms. High levels of P predispose to psychopathy and clinical psychosis, as well as to creativity, thus accounting for the overlap between them. A good deal of research over recent decades has supported this theory. A related trait is called schizotypy. An optimum number of indicators for this relates to creative achievement, rather than full-blown schizophrenia.

kurt cobain

Dopamine function (or dysfunction?) may account for the link between genius and madness. Dopamine is the chemical messenger in the meso-limbic and cortical areas of the brain concerned with approach, reward, positive mood and achievement-seeking. Genes that modulate dopamine levels are reported to affect novelty-seeking behaviour and to relate to Impulsivity and Psychoticism. Recreational drugs that are addictive and sometimes lead to delusions and hallucinations (e.g., amphetamine psychosis) tend to raise levels of dopamine in the brain. By contrast, anti-psychotic medications are usually dopamine antagonists (this being one of the reasons why compliance is difficult). Untreated schizophrenics have more D2 receptors in the striatum and lower D2 binding in the thalamus.

kurt cobain – bipolar

Genius and psychotic are both inclined to loose associations (i.e., “thinking outside the box”). This can be observed as unusual responses on a word association test or in some of Salvador Dali’s surreal images (e.g., the Lobster-Telephone and the Mae West Lips Sofa). Such flexibility of thought seems to be increased by dopamine.

beethoven – bipolar

Another description of the schizophrenic thinking style is that it tends to be over-inclusive, with the boundaries of relevance being set more broadly. To most people, an apple falling off a tree and the movement of planets in the solar system would appear to have nothing in common, but Newton was insightful enough to connect them under the grand unifying concept of “gravity.” Of course, not all such generalisations turn out to be that useful but many great scientific theories depend upon the ability to perceive improbable connections.

carrie fisher – bipolar

Exactly how loose associations or over-inclusive thinking promote genius is unclear. If enough crazy ideas are generated, one or two might hit the target by chance alone. This approach is deliberately harnessed in “brainstorming” sessions which use random “flashcards” as a means of generating fresh ideas. Certainly, it is difficult to be creative operating within received wisdom and some of the greatest artists and composers were the “rebels” least shackled by the traditional rules of their art. However, the “shotgun” theory smacks slightly of “monkeys on typewriters”. (It would take a long time for them come up with the complete works of Shakespeare). Outstanding advances in science, like the theories of evolution and relativity, and great works of art, such as Wagner’s Ring Cycle, cannot be generated by chance alone. Profound imagination and high-level spatial intelligence is usually required in addition.

bipolar behaviour

Application to the point of “work addiction” is also often involved. Edison reckoned that genius was 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.Most creative people are also the most productive. There is a positive correlation between quality and quantity of output, implying that each masterpiece is likely to be interspersed with much that is mediocre. (I do not ne)cessarily agree with this statement.)

marilyn monroe – bipolar

The human tendency to apophenia may be implicated in both creativity and madness. This refers to seeing meaningful patterns where they do not exist and it underlies superstition and hallucinations (e.g., seeing ghosts and hearing “voices”). This perceptual style has survival value because failing to spot a predator in the forest is a bigger (potentially fatal) mistake than seeing one where it does not exist. Exaggerated apophenia is characteristic of schizotypal individuals and is enhanced by dopamine.

ernest hemingway – bipolar

Another mental “illness” linked with creativity is bipolar mood disorder (previously called “manic-depressive psychosis”). This is characterised by extreme mood swings, occurring over a period of months, and it seems particularly to afflict artists, writers, musicians and comedians. Among highly talented people who appear to have suffered mood disorder are Peter Tchaikovsky, Robert Schumann, Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Spike Milligan, Paul Merton and Stephen Fry (who presented a TV documentary on bipolar disorder detailing his experiences).

winston churchill – bipolar

Genetic analysis shows links between bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Sufferers are often tortured souls, particularly when the “Black Dog” afflicts them, and their feelings may be tapped to give greater depth and sensitivity to their art. On the other hand, the “flight of ideas” experienced in the “manic” phase of the mood cycle can result in exceptional productivity. As with the trade-off between schizophrenia and genius, bipolar disorder balances troughs with peaks in a way that might account for its evolutionary survival. Treatments are available for bipolar disorder but there is a danger that, by smoothing mood, they could impede the creative forces.

bipolar wheel

Then there are the autistic spectrum disorders (such as Asperger’s syndrome) in which a deficiency in social communication is sometimes accompanied by “savant” skills in fields like music, mathematics and spatial intelligence. In the film Rain Man (1988), Dustin Hoffman plays Raymond Babbitt an autistic whose exceptional memory is exploited by his brother to count cards in Las Vegas casinos. (This was loosely based on a real-life savant called Kim Peek, who may in fact have had a chromosome disorder). The artist Louis Wain, who became famous for his surrealistic cat paintings was hospitalised for schizophrenia, but others have argued he was actually autistic.

marilyn monroe poster

These various “disorders” can all contribute to extraordinary contributions to art and science. Some tendency to psychotic traits seems to be beneficial (thus accounting for the maintenance of such genes) but too much makes the individual disorganised and is hence detrimental. It is notable that creative artists and writers have profiles similar to those of psychotic patients on clinical scales of the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) but are less extreme – in fact, roughly half-way between normal controls and full-blown schizophrenics.

mel gibson – bipolar

What is the mechanism whereby schizophrenic genes promote survival? The clue may be in the behaviour of bower birds, the males of which make colourful and elaborate constructions in order to attract a female (the Taj Mahals of the bird world). Creativity has also been shown to promote mating success in men, as measured by number of sex partners. Since there is no such connection for women, it is not surprising that men’s productivity in art and science exceeds that of women by around ten times.(I don’t believe this statement about men exceed women by around ten times in productivity in art and science—more like opportunity and the continued imbalance in availability and acknowledgment).

medical cannabis for bipolar treatment

Obviously, it does not do to be totally and permanently “away with the fairies”; some measure of control needs to be maintained. Consider James Joyce and his daughter Lucia, who was being treated by Carl Jung for schizophrenia in 1934. Joyce doubted she could be schizophrenic because her thought patterns were so similar to his own. Jung disagreed, comparing father and daughter to two people who had arrived at the bottom of a river. According to Jung, James had dived there, whereas Lucia had fallen in.

marilyn monroe her famous selfish quote

Genius and madness have much in common but there are also important differences between them. Mostly these are to do with intelligence, self-insight and contact with reality. Salvador Dali said: “There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know that I am mad”. Certainly, Dali was eccentric, self-absorbed and grandiose with a flamboyant moustache and a manic stare. But he was also a skilled draftsman, who produced brilliant, imaginative artworks, which made him rich, famous and able to enjoy a life of luxury. He was not, therefore, totally mad. © Professor Glenn D Wilson 2012

Genius or Madness? The Psychology of Creativity – Professor Glenn D. Wilson. The text is close to what is on the video but if you want to see it just click on this link.

“Up/Down” Bipolar Disorder Documentary FULL MOVIE (2011)This is a brilliantly made Documentary. Everyone who is Bipolar or knows someone who is or those in the Psychiatric profession and do counseling with anyone who is bipolar or anyone interested in bipolar and everyone who wants to have a knowledge of bipolar and find out what it is from what the myths are or how much people are misinformed about bipolar. A MUST SEE VIDEO. STOP THE STIGMA OF BIPOLAR AND ANY FORM OF MENTAL “ILLNESS” CREATIVITY.

Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony
QUOTATIONS on GENIUS:

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ― Oscar Levant

“Genius is nothing more nor less than childhood recaptured at will.” ― Charles Baudelaire, The Painter of Modern Life and Other Essays

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle

“I’m a misunderstood genius.”
“What’s misunderstood?”
“Nobody thinks I’m a genius.”
― Bill Watterson

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” ― E.F. Schumacher

“The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Artist as Critic: Critical Writings of Oscar Wilde

“The true genius shudders at incompleteness — imperfection — and usually prefers silence to saying the something which is not everything that should be said.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia
QUOTATIONS on MADNESS:

“Sanity is a madness put to good uses.” ― George Santayana, Essential Santayana, The: Selected Writings

“So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.” ― Alan Moore, Batman: The Killing Joke

“Human madness is oftentimes a cunning and most feline thing. When you think it fled, it may have but become transfigured into some still subtler form.” ― Herman Melville, Moby-Dick

“I don’t possess these thoughts I have — they possess me. I don’t possess these feelings I have — They obsess me.” ― Ashly Lorenzana

“The thoughts written on the walls of madhouses by their inmates might be worth publicizing.” ― Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

“Men have called me mad; but the question is not settled whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence — whether much that is glorious — whether all that is profound — does not spring from disease of thought — from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who only dream by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in waking, to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret. In snatches, they learn something of the wisdom which is of good, and more of the mere knowledge which is of evil. They penetrate, however rudderless or compassless, into the vast ocean of the ‘light ineffable’.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Eleonora
QUOTATIONS on BIPOLAR:

“I’m the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible…” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Compared to bipolar’s magic, reality seems a raw deal. It’s not just the boredom that makes recovery so difficult, it’s the slow dawning pain that comes with sanity – the realization of illnesss, the humiliating scenes, the blown money and friendships and confidence. Depression seems almost inevitable. The pendulum swings back from transcendence in shards, a bloody, dangerous mess. Crazy high is better than crazy low. So we gamble, dump the pills, and stick it to the control freaks and doctors. They don’t understand, we say. They just don’t get it. They’ll never be artists.” ― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

“Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It’s fun and it’s frightening as hell. Some patients – bipolar type I – experience both extremes; other – bipolar type II – suffer depression almost exclusively. But the “mixed state,” the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression’s paranoid self-loathing.” ― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

“Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

“Except you cannot outrun insanity, anymore than you can outrun your own shadow.” ― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, live your vision ” ― George Denslow, Living Out of Darkness: A Personal Journey of Embracing the Bipolar Opportunity

Silver Linings Playbook & the Stigma of Bipolar

2 Replies

Silver Linings Playbook & The Stigma of Bipolar
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Film Review taken from Salon
Post Created with a short comment at the end
by jk the secret keeper
Posted 05.01.13

Bradley Cooper, star of Silver Linings Playbook, an Oscar-nominated film about a man living with bipolar disorder. His recent film is making progress toward removing the stigma of mental illness. I am changing the two words to Mentally Creative or Mentally Interesting. The medical community is trying to move away from diagnosing Bipolar or other issues with the brain as “Mental Illness.” They are Brain illnesses or diseases. They are not behavior problems or mental problems. Not should they be stigmatized. When you have the flu you treat it in order to get better. When you have Bipolar you treat it so that you have a better control of what is causing the patient to exhibit the brain illness. There are a variety of ways to treat bipolar as there are people that have that brain dis-ease. I don’t use medications with the exception of one. My thoughts are that you treat bipolar the way that is best for you. I try to work on what helps me keep it under better control. I am still new at it and not very good at following the ways that work the best. But bipolar tends to make you stubborn sometimes. That I have to work on, also. But to stigmatize anyone for having something they were born with or inherited or just woke up one day and there it is bipolar or any other brain illness. You don’t back away from someone with cancer or Parkinson’s or any other physical ailment. Well, bipolar is a physical part of you that is not functioning in a manner in which makes your life easier to live. by jk the SK

Silver Linings Playbook is a film that is a personal movie for David O’Russell and when the group all came together to do the film, it became a personal movie for all of them. Tiffany, played by Jennifer Lawrence, serves as a catalyst and she’s the first person who actually sees who Pat is. Pat is played by Bradley Cooper. That’s the thing that this film has done, people around this country who have seen this film say “this film actually sees who I am” because bipolar is heavily stigmatized, its not a very treatable disease and it’s a condition that is diagnosed way too late. So hopefully, a movie like this will help it become less stigmatized in the onset. The best thing about this movie is that it will be able to reach out and make people feel included. ~ Bradley Cooper

“Silver Linings Playbook” with Bradley Copper

I watched the film last night. My reaction immediately was to think of a way to make a film, write the script for a film, where instead of the mentally creative or mentally interesting being the center and the ones stigmatized, that it wouldn’t be that way at all, instead those that are stigmatized are the folks we consider “normal,” they are the ones we feel uncomfortable around and they are the ones who are put in the outskirts of society and the ones who are stigmatized. If you think about it, those who have bipolar feel uncomfortable around people who are “normal,” those who think they are above those who have problems with the brain. Bipolar isn’t a behavior problem or a mental illness, which I find to be an offensive term. Those with bipolar have the fortunate or unfortunate DNA or the brain misfirings that cause some of the “bipolar reactions” the world has toward bipolar or any other person who is mentally interesting or mentally challenged. Why do “normal” people feel that they have any better a grasp on the truth of life on how to live it than someone who has been “blessed” with the gift of bipolar.

Bipolar is something that is extremely difficult to live with, where every moment or split second could change in your reaction to your world and the way you relate to the people around you. You can fly off the handle and lose your temper from a slight change in your environment. Is that really something to be afraid of? I don’t think so. “Normal” people have moods, also. Yes, bipolar, there are mood changes, the thoughts race around your mind because you have so many ideas firing off in your brain at any given time. Life is exciting. Creating art is a major benefit that can be quite satisfying and comes at one in a rapid firing sort of way. It can be exhilarating. But in that same split second you may find yourself triggered by something you are unaware of that pushes you close to the edge of falling into a dark hole. And most times, you aren’t going to be able to catch a hold of something that will keep you from falling in. It’s an endless fall, like in Alice In Wonderland, except she eventually reaches the bottom and there usually is light there. Bipolar, the lights have gone out.

Finding your way in the dark, when you are feeling nothing but pure tortuous emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual pain, is overwhelming and blinding. Eventually, bipolar will take you to the edge that starts the voices up that make you want to kill yourself or harm yourself. If you have found a discipline when you reach this bottom level like writing or creating art, you usually start that up immediately. And you keep writing or doing your visual arts until you create something that satisfies your opinion that you have succeeded. This may be enough to level you out temporarily and you then may be able to sleep. But even then, you turn on the Walkman with the ear buds in, so not to disturb anyone else with the loudness of your music. The loudness is so that you can only hear the sound of the music and nothing else. It doesn’t usually shut out the death march. That goes on. The thoughts haunt you but you must think them. Bipolar takes you on a journey until you fall asleep.

Hopefully by morning the feelings are under control. Of course, that sleep may take you to 15 or more hours from when you close your eyes. It’s the only way to get back on track. Most likely you haven’t had any sleep in the past day or two. The benefits are that you may not go down that road of bipolar. If you are fortunate you may go down the high one where what you create makes you feel giddy and everything is delightful and light and the demons are sleeping, which means they are leaving you alone. In that bipolar world everything is happy and you laugh and you want the classical or light music to play and you want to create the uplifting poems or stories or art. You want to keep doing projects, to keep creating. So why is the world so afraid of that.

Being mentally creative or interesting isn’t contagious and bipolar people as a rule could care less about harming anyone else except maybe themselves depending on the mood. The mentally creative have been given a stigmatic bum’s rap for the violence of those who take guns and go off on the innocent of the world. Those people are not doing that because they have a brain disease, they are doing that because they are violent individuals or groups that hate themselves and the people that are in their world. Bipolar tends to want to just take care of themselves and stay away from people that judge them. They may yell suddenly and then settle down and forget about it and may want to throw things when they get frustrated but mostly they don’t have any thoughts of hurting anyone and if they get into a down spiral it is usually themselves they are wanting to harm.

So stigma is all in the mind of those who are afraid of people being real and usually afraid of themselves being real. The “normal” people don’t want their reality being touched by anything that might resemble the actual behavior of someone who is alive in any way that might make them have to have a real thought or feeling. I don’t think “normal” people know what they are. Aren’t they usually following the latest dogmatic leader that tells them how to think and how to feel about someone they don’t like. And what about all those people that don’t want to make the rich pay their fair share of taxes because in their “normal” brains they think that it might be them someday who is rich and when they get there they don’t want to have to pay high taxes. I would say the “normal” are the ones who are a bit deluded and can’t think for themselves. And the ones who are bipolar or any other mentally creative individual are the free thinkers and the ones who don’t judge and the ones who want to help support the world and all the people in it.

Maybe it is about time to take a closer look at who the good guys are and who are the ones fucking up the world. And it’s about time to stop stigmatizing and showing people with mentally creative brains as a threat to the safety of society and to see them as contributors in the way of artists and those with original ideas who will move the society and culture forward. Yes, we may get off the path every so often but doesn’t everyone need to do a walk about now and again. Stop judging everyone and start co-existing in peace. Accept difference don’t try to make everyone identical to who you are.
by Jennifer Kiley

Silver Linings Playbook – EXTENDED FEATURETTE HD (2013)Special Features

HERE IS A REVIEW FROM SALON FOR THE FILM: SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK

Friday, Nov 16, 2012 01:01 PM EST
“Silver Linings Playbook” is gold
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence face love and mental illness in the rich, manic new romantic comedy
By Andrew O’Hehir

We get thrown right into the middle of Pat Solitano Jr.’s troubled life story, without any of the usual context or background. Played by Bradley Cooper in a major departure from his customary sleek pretty-boy roles, Pat is the unhinged, overly intense and not always likable protagonist of David O. Russell’s manic, inventive and rewarding “Silver Linings Playbook.” When we first meet him, he’s standing in the corner of his spartan room in a Baltimore mental hospital, talking to himself. His mom, played by the terrific Australian actress Jacki Weaver, has shown up from Philadelphia to sign him out, against doctor’s orders and without having consulted her husband. What did Pat do that got him locked up in the first place? What’s going on with this family? Why do Pat’s wife and the school where he used to teach have restraining orders against him?

Answers to those questions won’t come into focus for a while, although you may rapidly reach the conclusion that the doctors were right and Pat would be better off heavily medicated and under psychiatric care. Back in the family’s Philly neighborhood, with its slightly desperate upper-fringe-of-the-working-class feeling, Pat Sr. (Robert De Niro) has no idea his younger son is returning home. One of the best and unarguably funniest roles of De Niro’s recent oddball supporting career, Pat Sr. fronts as an Italian-American tough guy but is more like a barely glued together mass of neuroses, a failing bookie with a penchant for disastrous side bets and an intense OCD relationship with the Philadelphia Eagles. (His wardrobe gets better and better as the movie progresses; I can’t stand football, but I want Pat Sr.’s Eagles-green cardigan.)

As for Pat Jr., whose apparel frequently involves a shapeless gray track suit topped with a black garbage bag – so he can sweat off weight as he runs – his first item of business is studying up on the high-school English syllabus his estranged wife, Nikki, is teaching, in hopes of impressing her at some unspecified future date. (Nikki plays an important role in Pat’s story, but almost entirely through her absence.) This leads, however, to Pat flinging a copy of “A Farewell to Arms” through a closed window at 4 o’clock in the morning, and awakening his parents with a maniacal rant against Ernest Hemingway. (He refuses to apologize, blaming Hemingway. Pat Sr. says, rather mildly, “Tell Ernest Hemingway to come down here and apologize to us in person.”) I can’t help detecting a genre commentary of sorts here, whether it originates with Russell (who also wrote the script) or Matthew Quick, author of the original novel: Hemingway was writing one kind of story, which purports to depict the tragedies of the real world in the 20th century and does not demand a happy ending. This is the other kind of story.

In fact, “Silver Linings Playbook” is a romantic comedy, even if it doesn’t feel like one at first. Furthermore, it’s a rom-com that succeeds in revitalizing that discredited genre where so many others have failed, injecting it with the grit and emotion of realist drama rather than with amped-up whimsy or social satire or montages of people walking on the beach while whiny emo-pop plays on the soundtrack. As he did with the boxing movie in “The Fighter,” Russell proves that you can breathe new life into one of the hoariest forms in the Hollywood lexicon. He takes a movie where everyone in the audience knows how it will end and makes us suspend our disbelief and fall in love all over again. (After an entire decade in the indie-film wilderness following his 1999 breakthrough with “Three Kings,” Russell seems to have found himself a niche reinventing classic movie genres.)

It helps, of course, that we’ve got a dynamite couple to fall in love with. Russell has long had a flair for unexpected casting combinations, but I really didn’t expect Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence to be such a combustible duo. (Yes, in real life, there’s a significant age spread between these two: Cooper is 37 and Lawrence 22. At the risk of sounding like a total sexist pig, it doesn’t play that way on-screen.) Finally getting unleashed from his immensely lucrative “Hangover” roles and a series of tepid leading-man movies, Cooper gives a twitchy, physical, marvelously alive performance as Pat Jr., who’s barely aware how poor his impulse control is and doesn’t seem to notice that his face is often marred with mysterious scars and bruises. As for Lawrence, she’s been in so many movies lately that she’s in danger of being overexposed but I only wish her chaste and cautious performance as Katniss Everdeen had one-third of the fire she shows here as Tiffany, a grieving widow going through a spectacular meltdown of her own.

There have been dozens if not hundreds of other movies about two damaged people who find each other, and quite a few that try to wring bittersweet laughs out of the painful struggle with mental illness. But it’s always wonderfully satisfying to see a conventional or archetypal story structure handled with this level of craft and enthusiasm. “Silver Linings Playbook” never feels like a movie you’ve seen before, even if Pat and Tiffany’s ultimate destination is clear the moment they meet. It seems clear to us, of course, but not to them; Tiffany assumes he’ll just be another entry on her long list of recent sexual partners, while Pat clings like a drowning man to the idea that his marriage to the invisible Nikki – which ended in an act of disturbing violence, as we eventually learn – can still be redeemed.

During Tiffany and Pat’s disastrous first date (which Pat insists isn’t a date, because he’s getting back together with Nikki any day now) they eat Raisin Bran at a diner while she regales him with steamy tales about sleeping with all her co-workers (male and female) at her last job. Pat isn’t literally wearing his garbage bag in that scene, but he might as well be. All the crockery ends up on the floor, along with the remnants of Raisin Bran, and we’re left with the realization that these two people are falling in love but may be too screwed-up to deal with it – a phenomenon that afflicts many of us at one time or another, from you and me to David Petraeus and that lady with the upper arms.

There’s no point denying that “Silver Linings Playbook” is shameless cornpone, given that the bumpy course of Pat and Tiffany’s romance includes such elements as a ballroom dancing competition, a crucial showdown between the Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys and a parlay bet orchestrated by Pat Sr. that links the two. Not to mention a deceptive epistolary exchange straight out of classic French theater. But where most American romantic comedies are either made by talentless hacks or by Hollywood pros who can barely conceal their contempt for the material and the audience, this one was made by a leading American director at the height of his powers who’s paying attention to every emotional beat, every cut and every frame. Great cinema? Hell, I don’t know. But one of the most satisfying movies, that much is for sure.

ADDED NOTE BY jk the secret keeper: I need to watch the film again. Somewhere in the middle I thought the film was over and dropped off and came back before the film was over. So I watched the beginning and the end but missed the middle. My partner, Shawn, thought the film was great. What I saw I agree with her. Make a lot of noise in the middle of the night. So you get woken up by someone yelling and he happens to be bipolar. I don’t think that’s enough to threaten to someone that their behavior is going to get them thrown back into the institution. Only in America does one live under that threat if one is not strictly staying in between the lines. Freedom is another word for nothing left to shout about. SINCE WHEN. THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS TO SHOUT ABOUT. Why do we have to be quiet to keep ourselves from being locked away. I do realize, and I am not going to give away a spoiler, that the main character has done something that makes the law question his behavior more carefully but the extreme I think everyone takes it seems too extreme to me and especially in society those who are different in their brain and act differently. These are not the dark ages and those with brain problems don’t deserve to be treated as lesser citizens. GO RENT THIS FILM. IT IS A QUIRKY ROMANTIC COMEDY. THE ACTORS ARE BRILLIANT. JENNIFER LAWRENCE DESERVED HER ACADEMY AWARD AND IT DESERVED TO BE NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS. jk the secret keeper

Whitney Houston — I Look To You
QUOTATIONS on BIPOLAR:

“If I can’t feel, if I can’t move, if I can’t think, and I can’t care, then what conceivable point is there in living?” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“When you are mad, mad like this, you don’t know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else’s reality, it’s still reality to you.” ― Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

“Creativity is closely associated with bipolar disorder. This condition is unique . Many famous historical figures and artists have had this. Yet they have led a full life and contributed so much to the society and world at large. See, you have a gift. People with bipolar disorder are very very sensitive. Much more than ordinary people. They are able to experience emotions in a very deep and intense way. It gives them a very different perspective of the world. It is not that they lose touch with reality. But the feelings of extreme intensity are manifested in creative things. They pour their emotions into either writing or whatever field they have chosen” ― Preeti Shenoy, Life is What You Make It

“It was as if my father had given me, by way of temperament, an impossibly wild, dark, and unbroken horse. It was a horse without a name, and a horse with no experience of a bit between its teeth. My mother taught me to gentle it; gave me the discipline and love to break it; and- as Alexander had known so intuitively with Bucephalus- she understood, and taught me, that the beast was best handled by turning it toward the sun.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Crazy isn’t a condition it’s a place and it exists somewhere between Love and Oblivion” ― Stanley Victor Paskavich

Letters of Import: We Chose Life 7

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Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
We Chose Life 7
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrations & abstract digital art by j. kiley
© jennifer kiley 2013
First Posting 03.19.13
Posted Weekly Early Tuesday Morning
Seventh Posting 04.30.13 Tuesday, November 12th, 2007

Dear Annie

I must bring this to your immediate attention. Last week, when I wrote to you in our usual letter, I included a poem. It was a raw and painful poem to write. I would really like to discuss some of it with you in this letter. I hope you don’t mind. It has been making me feel rather vulnerable, even though I haven’t sent you the letter yet. Someday, any day, might be when I do get brave enough and really write these letters with the direct expectation of mailing them to you or handing them to you in person. The second way would make me feel more assured that you received the letters personally and no one else touched them or might accidentally open them. I don’t think anyone at the counseling center would ever do something like that intentionally. But these are very private letters meant for your eyes only. Just thinking about discussing the poem I wrote is making me feel rather anxious. In fact, I feel like I am starting to have a panic attack. Let me take a Klonopin before we continue. After that I will post the poem and the paragraph that followed it. I want to discuss that along with the poem. I’ll be right back.

Here I am, back really quickly. It will only take about 15 minutes for the med to take effect. Well, here goes, this is the poem once again appearing in one of my letters I am writing to only you. If I ever give these letters to you, I must have your word that you will never ever show these to anyone else. No one must know what I am telling you. These have to be our secret. If you only knew how I feel inside.

How do I really feel about you Annie? Right now, I have no idea. Too afraid to go inside to find out what I truly feel. The whole of the world confounds me. It just makes me feel depressed. It just feels that I can’t hold onto the people I love. They just tend to die. It’s not like they’re even old. When you die in your twenties, I would call that dying “Forever Young.” Too many die FY. You’re not going to do that, are you Annie?

What do you think of my poem? If you read it now, how would you decipher it? I’ll play both of us. You go first, or should I? Let me pull out the first three lines. The writer, the lover, the thinker: isn’t something missing? Whose feeling anything? The lover is just sexual. You can do that without any feelings at all. The writer is mental but could be emotional with the words they are expressing. But I don’t think so. It’s cerebral. The thinker, existential separation anxiety filled with analytical theorizing until infinity gets exhausted.

Someone is missing. Someone who connects in a soulful way with people or animals. Who is that? Lets think about it. Send out feelings to find out who they are? You think a spiritualist. I thought I was one of those people. I believe in the spirit, the soul, the astral body, the separation from the physical. The soul is just carrying the weight of the body while its heart beats and air fills its lungs and the grey matter still is able to function to make the physical tissues of the body perform.

I was thinking tonight about Heaven Annie. As I made it up the stairs to bed and my cat always raced up the stairs before me. We play that game every night. I make believe I’m going to beat him tonight. It’s always the challenge. There’s no way in Hell that I can ever beat him. But he loves the game. You want to know his name? He goes by many. He has such a magnificent personality. We call him Sparky because he sparks like fireworks. It’s not his official name. That one is proper. We named him Higgins after the character in the great Broadway play Pygmalion. He responds to anything but Higgins and he rather prefers being called Sparky.

What the Hell are we talking about? Is it about making it through with some enjoyment and to try to forget about all the nightmares? Or are we suppose to face the nightmares? The soul tells me that we have to or we won’t make it. I have too many. How about you? What are your bad dreams? What tried to fuck you up? Any bad people in your dreams? You seem pretty together but anyone can put a mask on. Why do you suppose we all try to hide from everyone? We are all human. Our feelings fall somewhere into the human category. Are we afraid people will think we are crazy or too weird?

Back to the poem, the next three lines are pretty explosive. Feeling the fool for not hearing, the silence for not screaming and feelings trying to blow the whole thing wide open but being stopped somehow. What stopped me? You probably would like to know that. A good reason, how about one of the abusers threatened to kill me right at the moment I told him if he didn’t stop I would go to the police. Wrong thing to say to a nasty, mean pedophile. He tried to kill me but he stopped at just making me feel he was going to crush my head into stones like Stonehenge. He pulled back but not until he told me he would not only kill me but my whole family. Those other people who also abused me. For some reason I felt I needed to protect them. I didn’t care if he killed me. My life was ruined. They all in combination destroyed who I am. They crushed my life. I am dead. My spirit has been stolen from me. It’s like in Peter Pan, they stole my shadow, my reflection. I don’t have one any longer. I am invisible. That’s why no one can see me. Why I never get noticed except when someone wants to hurt me or make me feel more pain so that I really do want to be invisible. I just wanted to die.

The only reason I stayed alive was I loved my grandmother. The funny thing about it all, my grandma, she had an accident shortly after this and went into the hospital. She never went home again. I saw her once at the hospital. I climbed into her hospital bed with her. Under the oxygen tent, we hugged. I held her so close. Her arms used her strength, as much as she could and held me close. Then it was time to go. I gave a bunch of kisses to say goodbye to her. I didn’t know I would never see her alive again.

She died in protest. They wanted her to become one of the forgotten. She wasn’t going to let them do that to her. She told them that it was something she would never do, going to a nursing home. She stopped her breathing and her heart from beating. She left me behind. I stopped living when she stopped, too.

“The feelings trying to explode…Where was the awareness?” I was clueless on what or who to, if anyone, to talk to. I never talked to anyone back then. Words were not my companion when spoken out loud. Not something I even knew how to do. Didn’t know how. Had no practice. What would have been the right words to say anyway? I didn’t know them to say or to even write down on paper. I am only learning now how to connect my words with feeling.

“We say ‘Welcome to the surface.’ It should have been Welcome to the circus. “Now what needs to be done?” We need to find someone new that we can really talk to. Someone who will listen and really hear what we are saying. Not judge us. Try to understand. And not constantly criticize us and try to put us down. Diminish who we are. That’s been done all our life except in college. For some reason I mattered when I was in college. I felt important and wanted. The same happened when I was part of the Women’s Center when I lived in Connecticut. It’s not so much I want to feel important. I just want to feel like I matter. Everyone I think needs to feel important in some way.

“Releasing the energy ensnared for decades amongst twisted webs…” I have been so blocked. My thoughts and feelings didn’t have an outlet. And I didn’t know how to say the words. I was made my own prisoner eventually, out of fear. Demons possessed me with fear. All the demons from all the years of abuse and made to feel like I was nothing, a nobody that had no worth or purpose.

“The voice is seeking freedom but holding onto multiple secrets.” We have a central voice but we also have multiple voices. With all the alters, we have to listen to all their voices and all the needs they tell us that they have. It’s hard to keep track or remember. It is really confusing inside our head sometimes. But we were working with a woman therapist who had her moments of quality therapy but she had her problems. I have an obsessive alter who was in love with her and obsessed with her. Let’s call it quite dependent. We were attached. We needed her. She was the first therapist that figured out what was going on inside our head. She figured out the DID. I have to admit when she told us we has other personalities, it really freaked us out. Kind of went into shock and some heavy denial. No way could that be possible. She said the psychiatrist agreed with her after he tested me.

That was the big secret. We thought realizing we were Gay was enough of a shock but being MPD was more difficult. Coming out of that closet was worst. It took us a while before we could tell Scottie and we had been together for a long time at that point. Almost 15 years. When I found the courage to tell her, her reaction was: “Oh, I already knew.” I asked her why she didn’t tell me. “Because you needed to figure that out yourself.” Of course, she was right. It wasn’t easy. Like I usually do, I bought or borrowed every book I could find on the subject of MPD. I learned it all. Enough to get a degree.

There is so much more to discuss in this poem. I packed it with a great deal of exposure of my past. I need a break. I may try to answer more of the points in this letter or carry it over to the next letter.

It’s a list of some of the confusion that smashed into our life. It started when we were really little and didn’t stop. The abuse continued when we were adults. No was the word that meant nothing to anyone who wanted something from us. Our body betrayed us. We couldn’t stop anyone from forcing us. Some didn’t even realize they were forcing us but they were. If we shut down inside we became frozen. We couldn’t stop what was happening. This started when we were little and continued into our adult relationships. It was all on some degree of force. We weren’t there in our bodies. We left or went deep inside or floated on the ceiling until it was over.

It wasn’t consensual. It was a form of rape and abuse. We wanted love but not sex. We didn’t want to be sexually aroused because it would always end with us disappearing and our bodies would shut down. It was like turning the keys off in a car. The engine would stop running and so would we. Eventually we created an outside person, a human robot, who faked our life like a computer. She would accumulate data. And learned the expected behavior and that would be hos she would perform. We were safe inside while she was out there living a fake life as a fake person. A puppet represented us. She hid in plain sight. No one would find us with the puppet self having a controlled pattern of behavior, always asking questions to improve her performance do she wouldn’t be detected.

Our hiding place was discovered by this woman therapist. She saw through the facade. She was tricky and scary to us. She got to close. We started to care too much. She opened up the rawness in us. She made us need people. Specifically, she made us need her too desperately. We felt so close to her. But more like the fox in Le Petite Prince by Antoine de St. Exupery. She tamed part of our wildness. She made us want to be loved by her. Being loved and wanting to love in return puts such a control on you. I began to develop an overwhelming need for her. It was driving me mad. Everything started falling apart. My life felt out of control.

Our hiding place was revealed. There was no place to go except into madness and wanting to commit suicide. Suicide has always been a part of our life. It is a part of our breathing. It is always an alternative to the divine madness. We can escape that way any time we chose. But it is not an answer we can choose. Not with all that we are responsible for. Our life needs us to be in it. Everything has changed. We are learning to begin to live. We have found a purpose. It is delicate and sometimes difficult to balance but we are giving our new life all that we are able to give it. We know and are learning what we are able to do. We are able to write. We are able to be creative. Our artistic nature is starting to blossom. We are letting it be free. It likes that. It feels like are trusted to let the muse guide us. She always seems to be when we need her. We don’t push it. We let it be a natural flow. We like, no we love where we are now. It does have its difficulties with the mentally creative activities that bombard our brain. But we work hard on that more with our doc then with Mr. Xxx. He is about as helpful as a dead skeleton. His sense of warmth and communication I’d to tell stories that do not at all relate to what I am feeling or going through. He doesn’t help me at all except to give me reasons to escape my life. He lets me run away. I know I have my weaknesses but I need to find my life before I die or I kill myself because I can’t live with the confusion any longer or the depressions or rage.

I want to say that I am here and I want to stay alive. We want to be here. We choose life.

We fought through them trying to destroy us. They didn’t succeed. We are still alive. No matter how many battles. No matter how many nights we have to fight to make it alive til morning gets here. Therapy, knowing my psychoanalyst is there is so reassuring. It means at least one person is out there in our Universe that knows we are alive. That we exist. Being alive is a higher grade than just existing. The artist that lives inside of us makes it all matter. Otherwise, nothing else matters. If I didn’t have my art, my animals, the women I love and the men who are decent that I love. A good home and family who I love and who love me. The special people who know who they are. They are part of what make this life I live matter. But that involves some major time tripping. I am having visions of a future in my life, but I must be patient and wait for that time to happen. It is a good sign that I make it to that future. Others do not.

Here in 2007 I have you Annie. I am focusing on that. Your presence is beginning to mean something more to me than I even understand at this moment. We will see where that takes us.

Until next time.

Regards,
Madison I attach this to the letters I write to you Annie to assure the strictest of confidence.

To Annie,

At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, then I am freeing myself up to write whatever I wish without need of censorship. Maybe someday, when I am feeling more familiar with just who you are and what you might mean to me, this parameter will be altered and a copy of this and future letters will be relayed to you. For now I want to maintain secrecy, to protect you, Annie, and to protect myself from over testing the boundaries between us and to record the development of our relationship.

I want Annie Haskell to trust me. I want you to know I am trying to protect you and also myself from any humiliation. Writing to you in this way frees up my words as I speak them onto the page. Some future date, if I feel trusting enough, I will release to you what I have written in honesty. Right now, I will keep my words confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages, I promise you that.

Regards,
Madison Taylor

Annie Haskell --- Madison Tayler's Psychoanalyst's Office

Madison Tayler’s Fantasy of Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst. Not real.

Maksim — Somewhere In Time — Theme Song #1 For “Letters of Import”

Damien Rice — The Blowers Daughter — film Closer (1980 Theme Song # 7 for Letter of Import: We Chose Life 7

the labyrinth called “wandering wonderland.” it is where madison, scottie and their cats, patrick, sparky and toker love to escape to

madison’s “woods of imagination” where she takes long walks to reflect. it starts just past the labyrinth

QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan PoeQUOTATIONS on LIVING:

“There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life, and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive. This ecstasy, this forgetfulness of living, comes to the artist, caught up and out of himself in a sheet of flame…” — Jack London

“There are two kinds of people. One kind…they congealed into their final selves…you can expect no more surprises from them…the other kind keep moving, changing… They are fluid. They keep moving forward and making new trysts with life, and the motion of it keeps them young. In my opinion, they are the only people who are still alive…” ― Gail Godwin

Toward A New Understanding of Mental Illness

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Toward A New Understanding of Mental Illness
TED Talk: Thomas Insel
Post Created by j. kiley
Post Created 04.24.13
Posted 04..13

van gogh starry night on the rhone

38,000 people die each year from Suicide. One every 15 minutes. More than murders and traffic accidents. And those who are likely to commit Suicide are those with Brain Disorders. Medical studies are moving away from calling Brain Disorders the term mental illness or disorders or a behavioral disease.

Published on Apr 16, 2013

Today, thanks to better early detection, there are 63% fewer deaths from heart disease than there were just a few decades ago. Thomas Insel, Director of the National Institute of Mental Health, wonders: Could we do the same for depression and schizophrenia? The first step in this new avenue of research, he says, is a crucial reframing: for us to stop thinking about “mental disorders” and start understanding them as “brain disorders.”

Thomas Insel: Toward a new understanding of mental illness TED Talk

QUOTATIONS on BRAIN vs MENTAL

“I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle, A Study in Scarlet

“But when you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That’s when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.” ― George Carlin, Last Words

“The vast majority of us imagine ourselves as like literature people or math people. But the truth is that the massive processor known as the human brain is neither a literature organ or a math organ. It is both and more.” ― John Green

“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?” ― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

“My mind,” he said, “rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. I can dispense then with artificial stimulants. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation. That is why I have chosen my own particular profession, or rather created it, for I am the only one in the world.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Sign of Four

“Their screams would echo through the house and reverberate against my eardrums until my mind would fracture. Years went by and with each fracture; I lost a piece of my soul until I became lost and empty inside.” ― J.D. Stroube, Caged in Darkness

“Statistics say that a range of mental disorders affects more than one in four Americans in any given year. That means millions of Americans are totally batshit.
but having perused the various tests available that they use to determine whether you’re manic depressive. OCD, schizo-affective, schizophrenic, or whatever, I’m surprised the number is that low. So I have gone through a bunch of the available tests, and I’ve taken questions from each of them, and assembled my own psychological evaluation screening which I thought I’d share with you.
So, here are some of the things that they ask to determine if you’re mentally disordered
1. In the last week, have you been feeling irritable?
2. In the last week, have you gained a little weight?
3. In the last week, have you felt like not talking to people?
4. Do you no longer get as much pleasure doing certain things as you used to?
5. In the last week, have you felt fatigued?
6. Do you think about sex a lot?
If you don’t say yes to any of these questions either you’re lying, or you don’t speak English, or you’re illiterate, in which case, I have the distinct impression that I may have lost you a few chapters ago.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking

“It is now well established that the unconscious mind is the wellspring of all human creativity.” ― Earnest Rossi

Letters of Import: A Look Inside 5

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Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
A Look Inside 5
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrations by j. kiley
© jennifer kiley 2013
First Posting 03.19.13
Posted Weekly Early Tuesday Morning
Fifth Posting 04.16.13 Tuesday, October 29th 2007

Dear Annie,

In my letter this week, I want to open your eyes a bit wider on all of the people you are getting to observe in the women’s therapy group. My intentions are to do my own analysis for you of who I feel and think the people in this group and it’s fearless leader really are. Strictly from my point of view. I have a really good sense of people. A sensitivity that enables me to psychically feel what is going on inside of anyone I am in contact with in a close proximity. Sometimes I am too hypersensitive and pick up too much of what is coming off of people I am around. It is not a gift but an annoyance and makes me feel really anxious and agitated. There is no way to block out the bad from the good. I get all the emotions blasting at me all at once. It is extremely overwhelming and disconcerting especially when there are too many people all in extreme states of disturbance.

I should really start with the person you seem to be getting closest to first, Robin. She is someone who is difficult to get to know. My sense is her barriers are extremely high up. She doesn’t really like people , yet she gives the appearance of wanting someone in her life. Maybe more than one person but she can be quite negative about everyone who shows her any interest in wanting to get to know her. I get close to her but if I am truly honest, whenever we talk, I always feel so hyper afterwards and I often find myself shaking. She brings up too much information. Triggers too many memories in me. I’m not sure if we have very good boundaries in our relationship. She can be extremely critical of everyone I know, especially Mr. Xxx. She is right about him but it does under-mind that relationship just the same. I go along with the lambasting of his character and his flaws as a therapist.

We do have some similar issues we are coping or not coping so well with. It is not my place to go into her problem but I will talk to you freely about mine. I am open about my past. What I remember of it. It was severe and it was traumatizing. I lived the life of someone who exhibited the symptoms of autism. I didn’t speak or relate to anyone. I never talked. My introversion was extreme. Relating to other people, especially my family, was totally impossible for me. I was much older when I put that diagnosis together. It was wrong but I needed to have answers. I am part cat and extremely curious. When I first got high on pot I needed to analyze what exactly was the reaction I was experiencing. I wanted to understand what it was doing. A true scientist. I missed my calling.

Never developed the full picture on marijuana except that I loved getting high and it made everything enjoyable except the creeping paranoia. Otherwise, music, talking, writing, anything I did was on such a higher level of enjoyment when I was stoned. It opened up my shell of silence. The only other drug I felt the same way about was mescalin. Read the whole Bhagava-Gita in one session tripping on that stuff. Even went on a visit to McDonald’s on the same trip and came to the aid of a damsel in distress from a rather grumpy employee. I told him to show a bit more respect for people. That was cool and unusual behavior for me. It felt good to stand up for someone who was having the experience of being bullied.

It was just a year prior to my great discovery. I finally figured out or should I say came to an acceptance and acknowledgement of my true sexuality while I was attending college. I realized I was a lesbian and I was already living with the woman who became my first lesbian lover. We took forever to realize we didn’t need men to be sexual. She felt we did and when she said. “I would love to be sexual but we don’t have any men.” My rather stoned and wine laden mind responded rather boldly by saying without thinking at all, the following words were uttered from my mouth, “But we don’t need any men.” We had each other and some strong feelings of attraction and love for each other. We played around with our physical feelings all summer by playing tactile games, for example, lightly touching the bottom of each others feet. If you are ticklish, just get past it, because I will tell you it is one of the most erotically, sensual experience ever without actually having to be direct about your sexual behavior

I think I drifted a bit away from the topic. Warning: don’t trust Robin. I like you and I don’t want her to hurt you. She has a way of cutting into you behind your back. We may be friends but I am not sure why that relationship works. She does bring out the worst in me. It makes me critical but not in a constructive way. To criticize with truth is one thing but to assassinate a character is unkind and mean and cruel. That is what it is. She can be cruel.

I will tell you more later as we get closer. Now I feel I have said enough and need a break. I will go deeper as our relationship develops and I feel our trust growing. I am observant and I am willing to share my secrets with you within reason for now. I somehow think we are going to go deeper into a good relationship. My feelings for you resonate at nothing less than extremely positive. So I will close now.

More to come later. You can be sure of that. This is proving to be quite cathartic for me. I may never send these to you, so what I am writing is more to me like a journal than a confessional or a revelation for you to learn about this crazy group of people of which you have been thrown into the middle. We do all have some extremely good qualities and some not so kind natures. Maybe that is what is to be expected from such a group of damaged individuals.

I will follow up that statement of “a group of damaged individuals,” by saying we had the bad fortune of being situated with families who had no understanding of us and treated us in any manner of abuse that could ever cross your mind and then go even further and you may never come to the end of what may have been done to us in the name of abusive child rearing and abuse of every nature possible. What it did to our psyches has yet to be completely determined.

I am stopping now. It is beginning to feel that I am stepping beyond the bounds I feel comfortable. So to another time and for another letter. I stop right here.

Regards,
Madison (This note is to ensure these are written in the strictest of confidence.)

To Annie,

At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, then I am freeing myself up to write whatever I wish without need of censorship. Maybe someday, when I am feeling more familiar with just who you are and what you might mean to me, this parameter will be altered and a copy of this and future letters will be relayed to you. For now I want to maintain secrecy, to protect you, Annie, and to protect myself from over testing the barriers or boundaries of what the potentials could be between us and the development of our relationship.

I am adding this in order that you, Annie Haskell, will know that I am trying to protect you and also myself from any humiliation. It will free up my words as I speak them upon the page. And on some future date, if I feel trusting enough, I will release to you what I write in honesty, but for now I will keep my words confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages, I promise you that.

Regards,
Madison Taylor

Madison Tayler’s Fantasy Psychoanalyst’s Office

Maksim — Somewhere In Time — Theme Song #1 For “Letters of Import”

Schubert — “Serenade” Theme Song # 5 for Letter of Import: A Look Inside 5

QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

Letters of Import: Coming Close 2

1 Reply

Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
Coming Close 2
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrations by j. kiley
© jennifer kiley 2013
First Posting 03.19.13
Posted Weekly Early Tuesday Morning
Second Posting 03.26.13
Tuesday: 10.09.07

Dear Annie,

I feel a need to be a bit less formal in addressing you. So, from now on I will just use your first name Annie. It sounds so much better than writing: Dear Annie Haskell. That does sounds rather formal and weird.

Let me start out by telling you something of what I have gone through over the past year, to fill you in on me. If it were not for the support of the women from my therapy group, I don’t know what would have happened to me. To begin with, I am the only one that remains from the original group. As you could see from last week, everyone was so warm to me on my return after being away for over 8 months. And they really made me feel wanted, like I belonged. If you knew what world I came from you would understand how important that is to me.

When I was in the hospital, group members visited daily. I never believed anyone cared that much. It definitely made me feel good. My body was so weak. It was hard to find the energy to stay conscious while everyone visited. My health sucked. Dying wasn’t very far away. I had blood transfusions. It may have been exhausting to visit with my friends but I wanted them to be there. Some place inside of me and the help of their energy, I found an inner strength so I could stay conscious during their visits.

One special friend, Kristina, came every evening. We would talk or just hang out. We’d listen to the television. The nursing staff would check on me. Do their tests. Lots of needles. Hate needles. Kristina was a great friend. I never had to pretend with her. We talked about whatever thoughts came into our minds. Her friendship was open to any conversation and any topic. Nothing was taboo. She stayed until late just as I would start falling asleep.

I should mention that the hospital had open visitation twenty-four/seven every day of the week. Visitors sometimes slept there and joined in meals with friends or family members. It was an inviting place. I loved the nursing staff except one.

She would always wake me at 2am. One night, I could not believe it, a really bad night, I had finally fallen asleep. There she was, shaking my shoulder to wake me. She made me get out of bed so she could weigh me. If I had the strength I would have told her to GO FUCK OFF. But I was too tired and too polite. I relayed this story to another night nurse, she told me I should have told her to GO FUCK OFF. I could do that. Well, I did not know that. I was losing weigh rather drastically but please do not wake someone so ill when sleep is so precious and limited. I am surprised that murders do not happen in hospitals more often, but to the staff with people like that jack-ass.

My mate, Scottie, that I’ve been with for almost forever, wasn’t too partial to hospitals, so we spoke more on the phone, several times a day, and just before I went to sleep at night. She did visit me in the hospital every day but I could tell she was like a cat out in a rain storm, just not her place. Inside her head, the following words were reverberating, “GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!” And that is the correct volume level those words would make.

She was there for me completely, though. she was constantly on a deadline, an artist in great demand. She is a film director and writer. She was in editing during this time so she could be around more than usual. She was there for radiation treatments and three hours of chemotherapy. I usually fell asleep. Eventually, we decided I would contact her by cell phone a short time before chemo was over for the day. That seemed more than generous to me for her, then she wait with me all that time. I felt a touch selfish imposing on her, taking her away from her own time and demands. The studios weren’t going to so patient if she didn’t get her film edited by the deadline. Fortunately she was also one of the producers. So she did rule somewhat. But she didn’t need to watch me have poison dripping from a hanging plastic bag, coursing through my veins, gradually making me feel violently ill. Scottie didn’t need to be there for that. She needed the time off from me, too, and the things she needed to do for me that no one would want to ask anyone to ever do for them.

Unfortunately, the day came when Scottie was taking me to one of my usual chemotherapy treatments. She always waited until I was set up with my medicine bags and settled in before taking off. On this particular day, it seemed like it was taking forever for them to get things started. I had my usual blood tests before treatments. They always checked for blood counts and other important tests to be sure I was physically okay to receive the treatments. Scottie and I waited in one of the treatment rooms, which was near enough to the nurses’ desk. We could hear some of the words that were being exchanged between staff. We could hear the Doctor speaking. Not the specific words until I heard my name. Scottie looked at me. Both of us were puzzled. It was then I heard the word hospital. Plus no one had come to set up my medicine IVs. No one was coming to talk to us. It seemed like time had vanished. Nothing was moving forward. I was getting a bad sense that something was starting to move in the wrong direction. Motion stopped. Just sounds could be heard but nothing was making any sense.

Finally my doctor and nurse entered the treatment room. They faced Scottie and me. They revealed it was my body. The blood tests were not good. My body was not tolerating the Chemo. Instead it was close to killing me. (My words, not theirs. Their words were that I was extremely ill.) Scottie took my hand when the doctor told us that my blood count was basically nonexistent. My chemo had been cancelled and arrangements had been made to admit me into the hospital immediately. My condition was serious. I had a fever and an infection that they were unable to diagnose and no immune system to fight it. An expert from the Center from Disease Control was called in on my case. No one had any idea what was wrong with me. I was put into quarantine. Not sure if they were afraid my health would be compromised or whether I was a danger to the other patients in the hospital. All sorts of special procedures were initiated while treating me. No one was allowed to touch me or get too close to me. Any medical staff had to put on special clothing. It was all rather “House” or “ER.”

Well, I’d say that’s enough for now about the cancer. I want you to know that today I noticed you again, Annie. I couldn’t help but want to look at you but I didn’t want you to know that or anyone else to. I don’t like people to see my feelings on the outside, even in a therapy setting. It makes me feel too shy. Looking at you makes me feel shy. And it makes me feel awkward wanting to just watch you but feeling I couldn’t and shouldn’t. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not a stalker. It’s just you. You’re hard not to look at. It’s not objectification. You must know that you are beautiful and there is something deeper than that. You have an aura of tenderness that surrounds you. I know I must not be the only one that feels this way or senses something really special coming from inside of you. I know I am really highly sensitive to other people. I feel what’s going on inside of them. That’s why I often need to block people out.

But let me put a question to you. Is there anyone in your life that tells you how beautiful and amazing you are? I mean on a regular basis? If you answer no, than I need to say that there should be. I, also, noticed how very quiet you are. It seems you are as shy as I am. But then, this was only the second time we were in the same room together, I could be wrong about the shyness. We’ll have to wonder about that for another time.

I saw my therapist later after group and I asked him about you. The first thing he told me was that you were there more as an observer, trying to learn about group dynamics. How they functioned in a real setting. Sometimes, he said that you would participate, but not that frequently. I must say that was a disappointment to hear. I was hoping for more but for now, simply your presence will have to be enough. He did inform me you are working on a college degree and training to become a psychoanalyst. That was the best part of what he said. That is somehow comforting to me. I am delighted to know you are working on becoming a psychoanalyst.

But even better for the present, I would be seeing you in our women’s therapy group every week. That to me made my day complete. I love that idea. But then he came out with the best part, he told me that if he wasn’t able to cover a group session, you would take over in his place. I held back my enthusiasm. He didn’t need to know how much that statement thrilled me. Just to have someone else cover a group session would have been enough but to have that person be you, well, that brought my day up to the highest level possible.

He, also, finally got to the place where he told me that last week, the week I returned, was coincidentally your first session with the group. That really surprised me. It made me wonder why he hadn’t introduced you last week to the group. But then I remembered I was a few moments late arriving. Anyway, I let it go.

Back to you entering into my life the same day that I entered into yours. I enjoy when serendipity happens. It creates a sense of magic in my mind and an opening up of so many feelings inside me. The best part is feeling the excitement that maybe someday I could actually ask you a super important question. It might sound strange coming from me right now but I’m going to ask it anyway. Here goes, I would like it if some day when you have completed your studies and are finally registered as a professional psychoanalyst, if you could or would see me in a professional capacity. Sometime in the future, I would like to be your client.

Surprised? At this moment, I will not explain why I would be asking you that question. Wait patiently and in some future letter, I will go into more detail on why, I feel, that question is appropriate.

Regards,
Madison Taylor

Ps. I believe in my next letter I shall drop the formality of signing my letters to you, using my family’s name. I will just use Madison. Let’s see how I feel then before I definitely decide.
ATTENTION: (This I add to each letter I write to you, so that you know they are all written in the strictest of confidence.) To Annie, at this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, then I am freeing myself up to write whatever I wish with sense of censorship. Maybe someday, when I am feeling more familiar with just who you are and what you might mean to me, this parameter will be altered and a copy of this and future letters will be relayed to you. For now I want to maintain secrecy, to protect you, Annie, and to protect myself from over testing the barriers or boundaries of what the potentials could be between us and the development of our relationship. I am adding this in order that you, Annie Haskell, will know that I am trying to protect you and also myself from any humiliation. It will free up my words as I speak them upon the page. And on some future date, if I feel trusting enough, I will release to you what I write in honesty, but for now I will keep my words confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages, I promise you that. Regards, Madison Taylor.

Maksim — Somewhere In Time
Theme Song For “Letters of Import”

Dmitri Shostakovich — Jazz Waltz No.2 Theme #2 Letters of Import: Coming Close 2 QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

4 Replies

Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
To Begin 1
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Abstract Digital Art by j. kiley
© jennifer kiley 2013
First Posting 03.19.13
Opening Announcement: This is an experiment that I am hoping will be successful. I am rewriting a manuscript and placing it on “the secret keeper” blog. It will be a short posting late every Monday night after midnight, so actually into the wee hours of early Tuesday morning. Today’s Post includes The Title Page; Dedication; Introduction; and the Beginning of the Book “To Begin 1”… I am hoping this works and is intriguing enough to encourage those who would like to, will read & follow it. It is a rather long manuscript, so it may take some time & many turns but hopefully it will be unique, entertaining, & thought provoking reading & teaches me more about writing & telling an enticing & inspiring story. It is, also, the inspiration for a screenplay I am working on separately from this writing project. I hope for the best. And now to draw the curtain back…All characters and events are fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental. Including the dedication and what follows. All are living well in my imagination and only until they are released will anyone know what shall appear on these pages. The writer, in this case, has the last call as to where this story’s tale will go and how it will develop and end.DEDICATION

I am actually dedicating this book to Annie Haskell, a potentially fictional psychoanalyst. She is one unto herself & a culmination of all psychotherapists I have seen during my life since a teenager & up until the present day & beyond. There have been many, which I hope shall add a great deal of variety to the tale. I dedicate this book to all of them. To the positive and negative effects they have had on my life, still do, in guiding me toward my Enlightenment, Awareness, Encouragement, Support & Growth.

I wanted to add a special message, specifically for Annie, in which, the words are spoken in silence to her with truth, honesty & meaning, This passage means a great deal. My favorite passage from, what I feel is the most romantic film, “Somewhere In Time.” These words speak exactly what my former psychoanalyst means to me or at least what feelings I once held for her in my heart:

“The woman of my dreams has almost faded now. The one I have created in my mind. The sort of woman each woman dreams of, In the deepest and most secret reaches of her heart. I can almost see her now before me. What would I say to her if she were really here? “Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder, then, I failed to recognize you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way that I can tell you how my life has changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me?
There is so much to say. I cannot find the words. Except for these: “I love you”. Such would I say to her if she were really here.”

The character Elise McKenna spoke these words, while on stage in the middle of a theatre performance, to Richard Collier, who was in the audience, in the film “Somewhere In Time.” I changed the gender so it read as though a women speaking to another women:

This I still let remain in my dedication to you Annie. When one has such strong feelings, it is most difficult to ever forget the echo of such depth from one’s heart. So, you shall always be a part of my heart, mind and soul even if you are not in my life any longer.INTRODUCTION

Our writings to Annie will include: our dreams, thoughts, notes, poems, lyrics, letters, emails, role playing, screenwriting scenes, quotes and inspirations along with reflective comments that we recall of times in between birth and now: from the inner workings of the mind of a person who is living with multiple personality disorder, also known as dissociative identity disorder.

Fortunately there is nothing wrong with our identities. We all just want to be allowed to be our selves. We may at present be either or are somewhat integrated or just rather quiet. Next is complex-post traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, anxiety disorder, bi-polar disorder. We prefer manic depression or bipolar brilliant and do not like the term mental illness. We prefer to be known as mentally interesting or mentally creative or having a brain disorder.

We are survivors of childhood sexual abuse and quite the variety: emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual abuse, kidnapping, child pornography, and bondage. And then our near death experiences from cancer, near drownings, car crashes, with one death, fractured bones and two necks broken, one was mine & the other a good friend of mine. We were hit by a gunrunner. The cops found drugs in our glove compartment. Police said they would not press charges if we did the same. The drug runner was drunk and a government witness, so he helped the law but was a jerk.

And if that is not enough, they won’t even let us have medicinal marijuana to help for all this and the physical pain. Relax Peaceful and Calm are the safe words Annie gave to us and now spoken to us by our Muse and Inspiration during a meditation/relaxation session.

Namaste! Madison TaylorTHE BEGINNING

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares

A Dream

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

Tribute paid to playwright Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander.”
“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
From Hero and Leander.

A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?
~ask any great therapist~

Dear Annie Haskell,

Today was my first day returning to the women’s therapy group. I had such a battle with Cancer. So many times everyone thought I was going to die. I tried not to think of it until that doctor, who thank goodness was not mine, told me so directly that I had about five years left if I survived now. Up until then, I never really thought about my mortality. It never occurred to me. Is that denial? Or I was just plain clueless.

I knew I was weak and my immune system was non-existent. But now, I felt no matter what my immune system was going through I needed to get out of the house and go someplace other than the hospital or the cancer center. It was time, whether I was fully ready, to return to my women’s group, even if it possibly compromised my health.

I looked presentable. My hair was a bit fuzzy but I liked the shortness. And I can write now that I was right. Call it my psychic intuition, but today was meant to happen the way it did. It was premonition & fortuitous that I chose Oct. 2nd 2007 to make my entrance. I needed to spend some time in the world of the familiar and the living. I didn’t realize how right I was until today turned into the day that I met you, Annie.

Who knew at that moment, when our eyes met that there would be a new woman entering my life. The Goddess was playing games today. When I first saw you, Annie, I knew immediately, in my soul that you were familiar. It didn’t register immediately but I should have known in that moment, that we had met before in some other place, in some other time. It was not in this life. It was in a past life or lives.

You had such a strong field of energy around you. The warmth was strong inside of you. I sensed right away. You’ve been in my mind since that moment. Subconsciously, my mind is working on what will happen next. I have a strong premonition about you. We will see what develops. There is a great potential for closeness between us. I feel it quite strongly. There is an attraction. What that is goes beyond what I can see right now. It’s too hard to determine.

Out of respect and the forming of a meaningful relationship I have no realization where our relationship could or will lead. There is a strong hint of our Spirits familiarity. I will write more about my thoughts in a future letter. I will reveal more as my muse inspires me.

I know you might be shocked by such a letter from someone you have only met today. I do realize that you are now a co-leader of the therapy group and boundaries must be respected but I cannot help my directness. There is a great tendency in me to be thoroughly honest with people, even if it is so recent as just meeting someone for the first time hours before now.

There is no need for you to answer this letter. No expectations there or ever. I just feel a need to write to you. In truth, I think I may make a habit of writing to you unless you in some way find this to be too forward or unwanted.

There is much in my mind that you have set off and I would like to tell you of those thoughts, feelings & ideas. I hope this will be a welcome opening into something that will grow. Until the next time.

With respect,
Madison TaylorATTENTION: To Annie, at this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, then I am freeing myself up to write whatever comes into my mind, heart, soul & body. I will feel no need for censorship. Maybe someday, when I am feeling more familiar with just who you are and what you might mean to me, this parameter will be altered and a copy of this and future letters will be relayed to you. For now I want to maintain secrecy, to protect you, Annie, and to protect myself from over testing the barriers or boundaries of what the potentials could be between us and the development of our relationship. I am adding this in order that you, Annie Haskell, will know that I am trying to protect you and also myself from any humiliation. It will free up my words as I speak them upon the page. And on some future date, if I feel trusting enough, I will release to you what I write in honesty, but for now I will keep my words confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages, I promise you that. Regards, Madison Taylor.

Maksim — Somewhere In Time Theme Song For “Letters of Import”QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

When Bipolar: Experiencing Depression

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When Bipolar: Experiencing Depression
Part 2
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Abstract Digital Art by j. kiley
Posted on 03.11.13

I am addicted to film. They are a way of working with depression. I lose myself in films as long as I am able to absorb myself in what I am watching. As of late, I have been having difficulty keeping my attention on anything that I do except when I am working on my creative writing or working on my art work or while reading or doing research all related to the creative work that I am doing.

I hope this is helpful as an inspiration to help entertain & help while feeling depressed. Looking for a way to help release the emotional pain that depression brings on can feel unbearable & leads one many times into a state of depression that carry with it the depths of darkness where suicidal feelings lay in wait to be awakened by the slightest trigger. Once the suicidal thoughts & feelings come to the surface it is most difficult to process or find relief from their destructive nature.

With depression & suicidal thoughts, one needs to learn a method to work through the sensations that are extremely painful or numbing & can make one feel so desperate that death feels like the only answer to eliminating the overwhelming intensity of pain. There is an increasing level of thought that goes through the mind that feels like the devil is sitting on one shoulder and an angel sitting on the other. What choice should you make? It seems often that to kill one’s self pulls at your attention the strongest. You try to think about the ones that you love & would hurt if you killed yourself. But the state of your mind doesn’t always feel that it would matter that much if you were gone. You would miss their love as well as your loving them. Certain people you would feel more of a loss and it hurts you that the love you felt would turn into pain but it isn’t always strong enough to hold you here, Your animals would come to mind & you know there are certain ones that would be lost without you. No one else would understand them or be able to love them the way that you are able to. You would feel awful leaving them alone. Somehow your senses are being pulled so hard to harm yourself. You just want to die. You just can’t feel the way you do any longer, no matter who you were leaving behind.

I let these thoughts & feelings go through me & I experience them all. I write poetry & other writing, like letters to particular people I feel will understand, But often I don’t turn to anyone. When I feel that depressed that I want to die is when I am least able to reach out to anyone. So many times I have tried to call a chat-line for people who want to kill themselves but I have only gotten as far as almost pushing the button but I can never do it. Even calling my psychotherapist is extremely difficult. I go back & forth as to whether I will call her to speak or leave a voicemail. It is hard for me to ask for help when I am feeling that deeply into a depression.

Eventually, the mood is released & I am pulling out of the nose dive & starting to come up again. The feelings of craziness starts to subside. I always feel like I have done something wrong for feeling those feelings. It is the same when I am at the other end of the cycle. When in a manic phase I actually feel crazier when I am excited than when I am wanting to commit suicide. At least when I want to die I am extremely subdued but when I am manic, I act out & I know that I get so wound up that I sound in my own head like I am as mad as the hatter but I cannot help my behavior. I am just a bit off my nut. I get the feeling of whimsy and get extremely poetic. That is when I actually feel like I am getting myself into more trouble & I am causing those I love to think I am more crazy when I am high than when I am depressed & want to die. Either end of the mood cycle I would say that I am a bit off of what is good for me mentally & emotionally. The extremes take me out of my safe zones where I feel I have any control. And control is extremely important to me. I do not like losing it at all. I am afraid to be too real. It may feel real & real may feel connected but it scares the hell out of me to think or feel I may be out of control in any way. Even though, I must admit, when I am free, I feel good in the sense that I am alive whether high on a mania or low in a depression & want to kill myself. At least, I am doing something with my life rather than subduing all the elements that make me act like I am being a human animal with all the thoughts & feelings of being alive & real & being who I really am.

When I am feeling depressed, the things that I choose to come in contact with are usually sad. The movies I watch, art I view, drawings I sketch, poems I write, and music I listen to are all depressing and – at times dark. My therapist wants me to laugh but I want to listen to music that makes me feel what I feel inside. If I am depressed I want to watch a film that is sad or listen to music that is filled with pain or longing. I love the group Evanescence & their song “My Immortal”… It’s about grief and loss. While listening to the song, I feel what the song feels. I listen to a great deal of emotionally raw music b/c I feel connected to it. I love Whitney Houston & I cannot go a day without listening to something that she sings. It seems I am always finding new songs that she recorded that I for some reason have never heard. It makes me feel like she’s still there with me. I just feel really attached to her. Felt that way from the first moment I heard her sing “Greatest Love of All” many years ago before I had any idea who she was. I fell in love with her voice and her. I’ve never stopped caring about her and loving her.

It makes sense to me to want to hear her music. It brings me closer to her. I can feel her with me. That may sound crazy but I need to feel those feelings. Someone wrote that they needed to fully embrace the experience of the depression & the sadness, It brings it to the surface & I feel the fullness of the feelings. I just can’t let those feelings go. The depression comes on me and so does wanting to die. I have to accept that those feelings exist. I, also, have to accept that I do get high on the feelings of the mania. I have all this energy. I am working on both ends of the spectrum and on the middle ground too. It’s a slow process but I am working on it. I need some help. I need my therapist and I need to be able to express what I feel. Most of all I need to know from those people I love that it is okay to be me. To not feel I have to hide what or who I am & to not fear expressing my feelings. I am working on trying to do the good things that will help me with all these mood changes. Maybe someday I will find level ground. I know I don’t want to lose who I am. I need to create. That I can never allow anyone to take away from me ever again. No more messing with my mind, my body, my feelings, which means my heart and my soul. jk the secret keeper

Evanescence — My Immortal

Quotations on Depression:

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss

“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That’s the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.” ― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” ― David Foster Wallace

“Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don’t believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it’s good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.” ― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

“Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” ― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint-it’s a physical thing, like it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.” ― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

“The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. … The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. … Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one. ” ― Goldie Hawn

“Choking with dry tears and raging, raging, raging at the absolute indifference of nature and the world to the death of love, the death of hope and the death of beauty, I remember sitting on the end of my bed, collecting these pills and capsules together and wondering why, why when I felt I had so much to offer, so much love, such outpourings of love and energy to spend on the world, I was incapable of being offered love, giving it or summoning the energy with which I knew I could transform myself and everything around me.” ― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” ― Sally Brampton, Shoot The Damn Dog: A Memoir Of Depression

When Bipolar: Films To Watch While Depressed

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When Bipolar: Films To Watch While Depressed
Part 1
Written by Jennifer Kiley
©couerbattreécho by j. kiley
Created 03.11.13
Posted 03.11.13

The Hours: Depression. Suicide. Virginia Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway – a thread throughout the entire film. An intense film can draw you out of yourself. I, so, love Virginia Woolf that the mere presence of her in the film carries me back in time. It causes me to feel such intense feelings for what she must have experienced. I connect to her pain & awkwardness & complete sense of feeling madness taking over her mind. She doesn’t want to burden her husband Leonard any longer or her family, that she decides to place heavy rocks in the pockets of her coat and walks into the river Ouse & drowns so that all the pain will be washed away. Suicide is a theme in this film & failing relationships. It is attractive to me when I am depressed for I feel a oneness with several of the characters & it makes me feel more connected with my own self through their lives.

What Dreams May Come: Death. Finding Your Loved One In Hell. Going through the many level of death, trying to get your loved one to remember you. Once done you both are brought to Paradise. Illusions in film are sometimes beautiful & often horrible but the thought of being reunited with the person you most love is well worth the journey. Most would go to the ends of the Universe to find their love but to the basement of Hell that is one long perilous journey.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Losing Your Memories of Ever Knowing the Person You Love. You ask for your memory to be wiped. I am rooting for the two main characters in this film that they will find a common ground in which to make their relationship work but it seems they always end up wiping their memories clean & once again play out their destiny to meet & repeat their love affair all over again. It is serious & amusing at the same time. So there are laughs but there is a sadness & desperation of wanting the two to actually work out their love relationship. It is the romantic in me to believe that there are soul mates out there and that love can& does in some cases last forever throughout eternity as it was for the Browning’s, Elizabeth Barrett & Robert.

Lord of the Rings Trilogy: Fellowship of the Ring. The Two Towers & Return of the King. Escape. Fantasy. Lofty. Good triumphs over evil. Appeal to noble instincts against the worst sort of odds. Coming together of people from all magical dimensions to fight the good fight and be triumphant. The struggle to carry out the journey only one can achieve, of course, with the help of his best companion & being waylaid by evil all along the quest.

Harry Potter: (all eight in series) These films grew in maturity & I love Daniel Radcliffe & Emma Watson. I loved the fact that practically every top rated British actor did a role in these films. Once again Fantasy, it always hits in a good place for me. It takes you into a world that is impossible to have experienced until you either read the books or watched these films. It was a tradition in our household that S would receive as a present every hardcover book of Harry Potter as soon as released, usually around her birthday. And the best collection of each film would follow around Christmas to show up under the imaginary or potted tree for a present for S. I love Harry & Hermione the most. Ron was a good sidekick but I really wanted to Hermione & Harry to end up together but I suppose it did all work out. There were several gasps when certain characters died that you did not expect. Especially, a certain rather short fellow that you got attached to. Time for a Harry Potter marathon. S does LOTR marathons all the time. I usually get into Twin Peaks marathons. I am due a Lost marathon. I missed all of year 6 b/c of being extremely ill. I literally Lost that year of my life. There is no recall of anything that happened that year.

Somewhere In Time: A Love Story where the two lovers are separated by Time, torn apart & the only way they can be rejoined is for one to travel back in time in order to meet. An unfortunate thing happens with a penny from his present. Its presence in the past cause him to be jerked back to his present. He is too weak so is unable to return. He must die to be reunited with his beloved. The music & the love story is the most beautiful, sad & love story ever. I cry every time I see it. I listen to the music from it quite often.

The Sound of Music: Favorite film of all time & most watched film, also. Love. Family. Romance. Shyness. Finding a mother who loves you. Falling in love. Beautiful music. Longing glances. Escaping the Nazis with success but leaving their old life behind. The only life that they knew, Facing an unknown future. Beautiful music & scenery & love growing throughout.

Ruling Class: It is about Insanity, in part. Peter O’Toole opens the film as Jesus Christ & his father erotically hangs himself by accident while trying to achieve sexual satisfaction. JC inherits the fortune. It’s a comedy. Really. Interesting transformation. The family are all nuts. In the family’s efforts to lead him off the cross they haphazardly turn him into Jack the Ripper. He goes from the God of Love to the God of Vengeance. There is singing, dancing, lewd jokes & murder. It is quite funny. Makes you forget about the fact that you are feeling so depressed.

V for Vendetta: Evey is an ordinary girl capable of overcoming her fear and being a part of a revolution. This is an empowering film. The hero V blows up the root of Power – The House of Parliament. After living under the oppressive rule of a Talking Head tyrannical government. First, V starts with a list of people who are high up in the group of Talking Heads & one at a time starts methodically killing in a manner that fit each one’s past transgressions. Great Explosive Ending. The People’s Revolution a total success. Very Uplifting.

Except for great mysteries, the category of films that Girl Interrupted is in, I would say that I love most films that take place in mental hospitals or that have psychotherapists and patients as main characters. I’ve been drawn to psychological films since I was a child when I first saw David & Lisa. Psychology has fascinated me with my first contact with the subject. Understanding how the mind works. Why we feel the way we do. How our lives are affected/effected by merely living it. All the traumas of the world that we have or come in contact with during the course of living. There are predators out there that fuck you up. There are chemical imbalances that fuck up our brains or so they say. I like to watch people with questionable mental creativeness interact. The ability to not block your ego from letting everything out. Feeling your inhibitions unblocked or so it seems. What is insanity after all? Does it really exist or are some people just too sensitive for this world?

There is a long list of films in this category that I have seen & would recommend when depressed. First film after David & Lisa and Girl Interrupted are the following: Suddenly, Last Summer. Lilith. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Prince of Tides. Spellbound. Freud. A Dangerous Method. Good Will Hunting. Sybill. Mr. Jones. Primal Fear. Nuts. Marnie. Beyond Therapy. (All excellent films & dramas except Beyond Therapy, which is a Robert Altman comedy of errors. If you are an Altman fan you will find this film hysterically funny & it will lift almost any ones depression at least during the time while you watch this film.) Another film S reminded me of which she absolutely hates but knows I absolutely love. I had a therapist that use to tease me jokingly about this film & said please don’t ever do that to me. The film is called: What About Bob? This is the ultimate OCD film comedy of all times. Bob gets a new psychotherapist who is about to go on vacation, He sees Bob once & recommends another psychotherapist he can see during the summer during his vacation. Well, Bob has bonded extremely intensely with his new therapist & goes to extremes to follow him to where he is on his summer vacation. Every psychotherapist’s nightmare. His family absolutely adore Bob. It is extremely funny & frustrating. Good for any depression, I think. The psychological film list of greats: As Good As It Gets. Three Faces of Eve. Persona. Shutter Island. A Beautiful Mind. Harvey. Twelve Monkeys. All of them excellent. Forgot The Sixth Sense: “I see dead people.” An amazing film that will take you out of yourself. You will be so amazed at the twists & turns of this film. By now everyone knows the ending but just in case I am not revealing it here. I do in my dreams what this kid does in his waking hours.

The film list continues with just a few more suggestions…

Donnie Darko: Destiny. Who expects something to fall out of the sky & crash through your bedroom roof & kill you while you are asleep. That is not the film. The film is what happens before the Big Event. It’s a quirky, time distortion, strange story about a kid who seems to be living in another time zone from the rest of the world around him. Great film.

Proof: Shows the growth of a loving relationship between a daughter, who is a touch questionably balanced, & her father who was losing his mental faculties. Both brilliant mathematicians who are trying to solve an extremely important & complicated math problem. At least, important to them. Then enters the sister from Hell who after their father dies, tries to sell the family home & bring her sister back with her to live in the city, after spending her entire life in that house. It’s a brilliant film. Very moving but pisses you off b/c the sister just doesn’t get it.

Inception: This film will blow your fucking mind. It takes you on a trip through the corridors of time & space so that you cannot tell where or when you are in reality or inside of a dream. The world around you keeps caving in. Might be a great distraction for someone depressed. The world in the film seems a hell of lot worse than the delusions you might be experiencing in the reality you are presently in. I still haven’t figured out the ending. Totally disagree with S even though we have played the last scenes over and over again.

My favorite films with Julie Andrews, who I adore & she can help me through some of my many mood changes. Good love stories & musicals, sad or happy: Tamarind Seed. The Americanization of Emily. Thoroughly Modern Millie. Victor/Victoria. Princess Diaries I. Mary Poppins. I mentioned The Sound of Music earlier. Just having them on in the background helps.

Musicals on the stage & on film. Those over the years that have helped with depression are: West Side Story. All That Jazz. Showboat. Funny Girl. The Pirates of Penzance. Hair. Hello Dolly. Chicago. Moulin Rouge (with Nicole Kidman & Ewan McGregor). Musicals help me to get in touch with what I am feeling but those feelings are usually good or real, not bad. Feelings are never bad.
jk the secret keeper

This is the end of part 1–part 2 follows next post
When Bipolar: Experiencing Depression

Evanescence — My Immortal

Quotations from Films:

Virginia Woolf: “If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.” — “The Hours”

Virginia Woolf: “You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard.” — “The Hours”

Virginia Woolf: “Dear Leonard. To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.” — “The Hours”

Virginia Woolf: “A woman’s whole life in a single day. Just one day. And in that day her whole life.” — “The Hours”

Virginia Woolf: “Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It’s contrast.”
— “The Hours”

Angelica Bell: “What happens when we die?”
Virginia Woolf: “What happens?”
[pause]
Virginia Woolf: “We return to the place that we came from.”
Angelica Bell: “I don’t remember where I came from.”
Virginia Woolf: “Nor do I.”
— “The Hours”

Clarissa Vaughn: “I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.” — “The Hours”

Leonard Woolf: “Do you think it’s possible that bad writing actually attracts a higher incidence of error?”
— “The Hours”

Virginia Woolf: “Did it matter, then, she asked herself, walking toward Bond Street. Did it matter that she must inevitably cease, completely. All this must go on without her. Did she resent it? Or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? It is possible to die. It is possible to die.”
— “The Hours”

Virginia Woolf: “I was going to kill my heroine. But I’ve changed my mind. I fear I may have to kill someone else, instead.”
— “The Hours”

Virginia Woolf: “Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel I can’t go through another one of these terrible times and I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices and can’t concentrate so I am doing what seems to be the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I know that I am spoiling your life and without me you could work and you will, I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. Everything is gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. Virginia”
— “The Hours”

Galadriel: “The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who, above all else, desire power. But they were, all of them, deceived, for another Ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master Ring, to control all others. And into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One Ring to rule them all.” — LOTR “The Fellowship of the Rings”

Galadriel: ” And the ring of power has a will of its own. …some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out of all knowledge. …Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of Power perceived. Its time had now come. …something happened that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable. A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire. For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all…”
— LOTR “The Fellowship of the Rings”

Frodo: “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.”
Gandalf: “So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.” — LOTR “The Fellowship of the Rings”

Elise McKenna: “The man of my dreams has almost faded now. The one I have created in my mind. The sort of man each woman dreams of, in the deepest and most secret reaches of her heart. I can almost see him now before me. What would I say to him if he were really here? “Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder, then, I failed to recognise you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way that I can tell you how my life has changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me? There is so much to say. I cannot find the words. Except for these: I love you”. Such would I say to him if he were really here.” — “Somewhere In Time”

V: “…words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning…where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission… He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent… More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives… if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you…allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot.”
— “V for Vendetta”

Cobb: “Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.”
— “Inception”

Lt. Cmdr. Charles E. Madison: “War isn’t hell at all. It’s man at his best; the highest morality he’s capable of. It’s not war that’s insane, you see. It’s the morality of it. It’s not greed or ambition that makes war: it’s goodness. Wars are always fought for the best of reasons: for liberation or manifest destiny. Always against tyranny and always in the interest of humanity. So far this war, we’ve managed to butcher some ten million humans in the interest of humanity. Next war it seems we’ll have to destroy all of man in order to preserve his damn dignity. It’s not war that’s unnatural to us, it’s virtue. As long as valor remains a virtue, we shall have soldiers. So, I preach cowardice. Through cowardice, we shall all be saved.”
— “The Americanization of Emily”

Lt. Cmdr. Charles E. Madison: “I don’t want to know what’s good, or bad, or true. I let God worry about the truth. I just want to know the momentary fact about things. Life isn’t good, or bad, or true. It’s merely factual, it’s sensual, it’s alive. My idea of living sensual facts are you, a home, a country, a world, a universe. In that order. I want to know what I am, not what I should be.”
— “The Americanization of Emily”

“speak the unspeakable”

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“speak the unspeakable”
complex-ptsd
created by the secret keeper
opening by jennifer kiley
02.13.13
posted 02.14.13

I am publishing this post on Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for personal reasons but also to bring out into the open a reminder that C-PTSD effects too many people who have suffered severe and traumatic events in their life that lasted over a long period of time and developed into the complex disorder of C-PTSD. Below I have reprinted information from several sites that gives a comprehensive look into what exactly C-PTSD actually is. I am doing this, as I wrote above, for personal reasons which I hope benefits others who are suffering from this disorder. Honesty has always been something I have tried to be on the secret keeper. A great many of what is described in this post, I have experienced. Trying to avoid it, which I have been doing, not always intentionally, but b/c I have been working on trying to bring under control my bipolar without medication, which has been a struggle, I have manifested many of the symptoms of C-PTSD. More recently, they have become more pronounced and my psychotherapist feels we really need to start concentrating on working on the C-PTSD.

Before I will be able to do that, I have several surgeries ahead that I will need my strength for, in order to be able to recover. It is expected the surgical recoveries will take a fair amount of time. So, I have a dilemma. The C-PTSD symptoms are breaking through to my everyday life. I feel my mind’s protection of dissociating and my emotions crumbling from the weight of holding onto the severe trauma I experienced throughout my childhood and into my adult life. The effects of the trauma is sneaking through with symptoms that cause me to question my ability at times to differentiate with what is real and what is a misinterpretation of my sensory perceptions. It is time to get refocused and confront the memories. I have been working on these issues since I was a teenager and have gone through over 15 therapists. There have been times I pulled away from working with a psychotherapist.

I began using marijuana to self medicate when I was a teenager but also started therapy just before I started getting high on drugs. But even younger, I use to go to this bar starting at the age of 15 or 16 with my oldest brother and his friends and drink beer in very large consumptions. I could down a full pitcher of beer without coming up for air. I do not recommend this as a solution to dealing with the psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical traumas you are experiencing. I, also, sometimes did a variety of other mind altering drugs just to keep the memories suppressed and in the interim trying to find enlightenment through using mushrooms, LSD and other mind altering drugs. It kept me ahead of remembering and also buried the truth. Whenever I feel or felt myself getting too close to feeling and remembering the traumas, I would shut down or dissociate.

I am terrified of actually feeling on any level what the abusers did to me. But this week my therapist said in order to stop my mind from playing tricks on me and confusing me about what I am feeling and how I am interpreting reality, I need to really open wide those doors from the past. I even tried doing a Trauma Therapy Group a few years back but my present day psychotherapist told me awhile ago, that when I read what I had written about my abuse, I had no feeling. It was like I was reading the ingredients off a cereal box. The words were there but I felt nothing. And I don’t even remember a great deal of the abuse. It does come back in short clips when I am triggered.

One of the worst reactions today is not being able to trust how people I am close to really feel about me. One minute, everything is great, then something gets triggered from the past, and I am so confused I cannot figure out what is going on or what anyone feels. And the truth is I somehow know that my perceptions are way off but my mind will not let me allow myself to believe the truth. It twists me up inside. The extremes of severe traumatic abuse totally fucks up the way you are able to experience every part of your life. Everything is effected and confusing and flashbacks are at times running rampant in your brain or your body. And I am experiencing a co-morbidity of symptoms. Amongst the disorders that I deal with daily, I have bipolar, anxiety/panic disorder, agoraphobia to just show you an example of what one can end up dealing with everyday and never knowing when anyone of these with be having an effect on you.

So please, anyone who has experienced severe trauma or knows anyone who has or anyone who has lived through domestic violence or is still experiencing any of the following experiences, hopefully what is contained in this post will help direct or help explain what Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is exactly. The information was put together from different sources and there is a book I discovered in my investigating that I purchased for myself to read which already has begun to help me. I wrote about that and included an evaluation and where you can locate that book. I hope this is helpful. Complex-PTSD is often overlooked. Those who suffer from it are often forgotten. Even the new DSM-V, the Diagnostic Manual that is used to determine what may be what someone with a Mental Health problem may have as their diagnosis. They added 250 more diagnoses. Complex-PTSD was put forward to be included in this new version but as of now I have been made aware that it is not included. Once again overlooked. Everything else is, including if you mourn too long for the death of a loved one, you might just be diagnosed with a mental disorder. But that’s for another post. Please take the time to read what I include in this post. If not in one sitting, return to read more. Also, refer anyone you might know that could benefit from what I have posted. Thank you. jk the secret keeper…

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

Definition:

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) – Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychological injury that results from prolonged exposure to social or interpersonal trauma, disempowerment, captivity or entrapment, with lack or loss of a viable escape route for the victim.

C-PTSD Introduction:

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of:

*domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

*childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

*entrapment or kidnapping.

*slavery or enforced labor.

*long term imprisonment and torture.

*repeated violations of personal boundaries.

*long-term objectification.

*exposure to gas-lighting & false accusations.

*long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.

*long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.

*long term exposure to crisis conditions.

When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before.

The degree of C-PTSD trauma cannot be defined purely in terms of the trauma that a person has experienced. It is important to understand that each person is different and has a different tolerance level to trauma. Therefore, what one person may be able to shake off, another person may not. Therefore more or less exposure to trauma does not necessarily make the C-PTSD any more or less severe.

C-PTSD sufferers may “stuff” or suppress their emotional reaction to traumatic events without resolution either because they believe each event by itself doesn’t seem like such a big deal or because they see no satisfactory resolution opportunity available to them. This suppression of “emotional baggage” can continue for a long time either until a “last straw” event occurs, or a safer emotional environment emerges and the damn begins to break.

The “Complex” in Complex Post Traumatic Disorder describes how one layer after another of trauma can interact with one another. Sometimes, it is mistakenly assumed that the most recent traumatic event in a person’s life is the one that brought them to their knees. However, just addressing that single most-recent event may possibly be an invalidating experience for the C-PTSD sufferer. Therefore, it is important to recognize that those who suffer from C-PTSD may be experiencing feelings from all their traumatic exposure, even as they try to address the most recent traumatic event.

This is what differentiates C-PTSD from the classic PTSD diagnosis – which typically describes an emotional response to a single or to a discrete number of traumatic events.

Difference between C-PTSD & PTSD

Although similar, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) differs slightly from the more commonly understood & diagnosed condition Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in causes and symptoms.

C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little chance of escape. PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma.

Therefore a soldier returning from intense battle may be likely to show PTSD symptoms, but a kidnapped prisoner of war who was held for several years may show additional symptoms of C-PTSD.

Similarly, a child who witnesses a friend’s death in an accident may exhibit some symptoms of PTSD but a child who grows up in an abusive home may exhibit the additional C-PTSD characteristics shown below:

C-PTSD – What it Feels Like:

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel un-centered and shaky, as if they are likely to have an embarrassing emotional breakdown or burst into tears at any moment. They may feel unloved – or that nothing they can accomplish is ever going to be “good enough” for others.

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel compelled to get away from others and be by themselves, so that no-one will witness what may come next. They may feel afraid to form close friendships to prevent possible loss should another catastrophe strike.

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel that everything is just about to go “out the window” and that they will not be able to handle even the simplest task. They may be too distracted by what is going on at home to focus on being successful at school or in the workplace.

C-PTSD Characteristics:

How it can manifest in the victim(s) over time:

Rage turned inward: Eating disorders. Depression. Substance Abuse / Alcoholism. Truancy. Dropping out. Promiscuity. Co-dependence. Doormat syndrome (choosing poor partners, trying to please someone who can never be pleased, trying to resolve the primal relationship)

Rage turned outward: Theft. Destruction of property. Violence. Becoming a control freak.

Other: Learned hyper vigilance. Clouded perception or blinders about others (especially romantic partners) Seeks positions of power and / or control: choosing occupations or recreational outlets which may put oneself in physical danger. Or choosing to become a “fixer” – Therapist, Mediator, etc.

Avoidance - Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.

Blaming - Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Catastrophizing - Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming a “worst case scenario” and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.

“Control-Me” Syndrome - “Control-Me” Syndrome describes a tendency that some abuse victims and some people who suffer from personality disorders have to nurture relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or “acting-out” nature.

Denial (PD) - Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Dependency - Dependency is an inappropriate and chronic reliance by one adult individual on another for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well- being.

Depression (Non-PD) - Depression is when you feel sadder than your circumstances dictate, for longer than your circumstances last – but still can’t seem to break out of it.

Escape To Fantasy - Escape to Fantasy is sometimes practiced by people who routinely shun transparency with others and present a facade to friends, partners and family members. Their true identity and feelings are commonly expressed privately in an alternate fantasy world.

Fear of Abandonment - Fear of abandonment and irrational jealousy is a phobia, sometimes exhibited by people with personality disorders, that they are in imminent danger of being rejected, discarded or replaced at the whim of a person who is close to them.

Hyper Vigilance - Hyper Vigilance is the practice of maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others.

Identity Disturbance - Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view.

Learned Helplessness - Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe they have no control over a situation, even when they actually do have the power to change their circumstances, leading them into an unnecessary state of depression, where initiative, action or investment is deemed futile.

Low Self-Esteem - Low Self-Esteem is a common name for a negatively-distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality. People who have low self-esteem often see themselves as unworthy of being successful in personal and professional settings and in social relationships. They may view their successes and their strengths in a negative light and believe that others see them in the same way. As a result, they may develop an avoidance strategy to protect themselves from criticism.

Panic Attacks - Panic Attacks are short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms.

Perfectionism - Perfectionism is the practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unsustainable or unattainable standard of organization, order or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in others.

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia is the use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.

Self-Loathing - Self Loathing is an extreme self-hatred of one’s own self, actions or one’s ethnic or demographic background.

Tunnel Vision - Tunnel Vision is the habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.

C-PTSD Causes:

C-PTSD is caused by a prolonged or sustained exposure to emotional trauma or abuse from which no short-term means of escape is available or apparent to the victim.

The precise neurological damage that exists in C-PTSD victims is not well understood.

C-PTSD Treatment:

Little has been done in clinical studies of treatment of C-PTSD. However, in general the following is recommended:

*Removal of and protection from the source of the trauma and/or abuse.

*Acknowledgement of the trauma as real, important and undeserved.

*Acknowledge that the trauma came from something that was stronger than the victim and therefore could not be avoided.

*Acknowledgement of the “complex” nature of C-PTSD – that responses to earlier traumas may have led to decisions that brought on additional, undeserved trauma.

*Acknowledgement that recovery from the trauma is not trivial and will require significant time and effort.

*Separation of residual problems into those that the victim can resolve (such as personal improvement goals) and those that the victim cannot resolve (such as the behavior of a disordered family member)

*Mourning for what has been lost and cannot be recovered.

*Identification of what has been lost and can be recovered.

*Program of recovery with focus on what can be improved in an individuals life that is under their own control.

*Placement in a supportive environment where the victim can discover they are not alone and can receive validation for their successes and support through their struggles.

*As necessary, personal therapy to promote self discovery.

*As required, prescription of antidepressant medications.

What to do about C-PTSD if you’ve got it:

Remove yourself from the primary or situation or secondary situations stemming from the primary abuse. Seek therapy. Talk about it. Write about it. Meditation. Medication if needed. Physical Exercise. Rewrite the script of your life.

What not to do about it:

Stay. Hold it in. Bottle it up. Act out. Isolate. Self-abuse. Perpetuate the cycle.

What to do about it if you know somebody else who has C-PTSD:

Offer sympathy, support, a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear. Speak from experience. Assist with practical resolution when appropriate (guidance towards escape, therapy, etc.) Be patient.

What not to do about it if you know somebody else who has it:

Do not push your own agenda: proselytize, moralize, speak in absolutes, tell them to “get over it”, or try to force reconciliation with the perpetrator or offer “sure fire” cures.

Out of the Fog Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
This is the site I discovered all this information about C-PTSD. They also have an extensive collection on other pscyh diagnoses plus the forum that I have mentioned below. Click on the names. They are linked into Out of the Fog and all they have to offer and referrals to other information available out there on things psychological.

Out of the Fog Forum

A book I would highly recommend:

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence–from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence–from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror — By Judith Herman
Available in Kindle for $9.21

Dr. Judith Herman came up with the term Complex-PTSD (Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). She has tried to have it included in the new DSM-V, feeling the PTSD does not include those who have experienced severe and chronic traumatic experiences over a prolonged period of time. I was so impressed with what I read from those who have read and reviewed this book that I purchased a copy for myself. It is so brilliantly written. I have never heard anyone express what I experienced from the time I was an infant with such understanding. I have only just begun reading the book so I will add a review from someone who has. jk the secret keeper

Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars—An Essential Contribution to Trauma Psychology

I wrote a glowing review on this book four years ago, but now that I have more formal education in trauma psychology I wanted to provide a more nuanced perspective.

Dr. Judith Herman is one of the most important voices in the field, and she was in fact a member of the committee that defined PTSD as it is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual – IV. Her contribution to the understanding of trauma psychology has been essential to understanding how trauma becomes PTSD and how that is manifested in the sufferer. She brings an incredible depth of compassion to her writing, making this book seem less like a compilation of research material and more like a courageous willingness to be a witness to unspeakable horror.

Dr. Herman specializes in sexual abuse and incest, but the book is meant to draw all sufferers of repeated trauma, from prisoners of war to victims of domestic violence, together under a single umbrella. She identifies what she believes to be a form of Complex-PTSD that is more pervasive and personality-oriented as a result of repeat trauma and captivity. Symptoms of this condition include an unstable sense of self, profound changes in system of meaning (such as loss of faith in God or basic goodness of humanity), sudden and unexpected changes in mood, fears of abandonment, fears of catastrophic world devastation, feelings of inherent badness, etc. In the book, Herman suggests that symptomatic overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder may indicate BPD is, in many cases, actually a form of complex trauma. While I believe there is some evidence to support this argument (such as the fact that the vast majority of those diagnosed with BPD suffer from childhood sexual trauma), her case is hardly universally accepted by the psychiatric community. Some clinicians will diagnose Complex PTSD and some will not.

One of the most interesting and useful messages of her work is the idea that the goal of treatment for the trauma survivor is to “speak the unspeakable.” She emphasizes the importance of taking the shattered, incoherent pieces of the trauma and deliberately, painstakingly weaving them into a cohesive narrative. She provides evidence to suggest that traumatic memories are neurochemically stored in a different way than traditional narrative memory, and that those with PTSD are hard-wired and chemically coded to reexperience trauma when triggered.

At the time she wrote the work, evidence-based research on PTSD was in its early stages, but her words about “speaking the unspeakable” have become startlingly prescient. Everything we know about PTSD to date suggests that it is caused by avoiding reminders of the traumatic event. This is because thought-suppression usually results in those distressing thoughts and memories re-emerging at highly inconvenient times. The best way we know to treat is literally to “speak the unspeakable” –over and over — until we learn that the monster we feared is so much smaller than we imagined. This is called prolonged exposure, and at certain clinics it is showing a treatment effectiveness rate of 80%.

Dr. Herman does not discuss prolonged exposure because (AFAIK-as far as I know) it didn’t exist yet… but she was correct that the way to heal from trauma is to say that which you are sure you cannot… to do, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “The thing you think you cannot do.”

None of this is easy, and in fact, if you are a sufferer of repeated trauma, this might be one of those books you wait to read until you are in a stable place. It is compassionate, but very clinical, and seeing your psychology broken down into such concrete, analytical and frankly bleak pieces can be really unsettling. It is crucial, however, for all trauma survivors to understand that they are not alone, and the reactions they perceive as “crazy” or “bad” are in fact such typical reactions to objectively horrific events that they have been canonized into a moving and thought-provoking body of literature entitled “Trauma and Recovery.” You will find, if you were a child of abuse or victim of domestic violence, that you have more in common with torture victims and prisoners of war than you ever imagined.

This book cannot heal you, but it can point in the right direction, and it will help you understand yourself.

Information about the book:

When Trauma and Recovery was first published in 1992, it was hailed as a groundbreaking work. In the intervening years, Herman’s volume has changed the way we think about and treat traumatic events and trauma victims. In a new afterword, Herman chronicles the incredible response the book has elicited and explains how the issues surrounding the topic have shifted within the clinical community and the culture at large.Trauma and Recovery brings a new level of understanding to a set of problems usually considered individually. Herman draws on her own cutting-edge research in domestic violence as well as on the vast literature of combat veterans and victims of political terror, to show the parallels between private terrors such as rape and public traumas such as terrorism. The book puts individual experience in a broader political frame, arguing that psychological trauma can be understood only in a social context. Meticulously documented and frequently using the victims’ own words as well as those from classic literary works and prison diaries, Trauma and Recovery is a powerful work that will continue to profoundly impact our thinking.

I hope that this post has been informative and enlightening and will help with allowing those who have suffered severe traumatic experiences to not feel so alone and will bring them to a place to seek out or to continue to endure in working through their severe traumas. We are not alone. And for those who know of others who have gone through or are still experiencing severe traumatic experiences, that they will find the compassion to offer support and guidance to find the help they need to work on recovering from their nightmares. jk the secret keeper…

Here is a video I discovered hours after I finished putting this post together that I feel will be moving. There is no speaking. Just some piano and quotations of a meaningful nature that may help to understand somewhat of how it feels to have lived through severe traumatic experiences over a long period of time. In my own life, the trauma has continued. Has it ever stopped? No. The effects are in every moment that I live. The pain is like waves as the weather changes so do the level and intensity of the waves and the intensity of the pain follows that pattern, also.

complex post traumatic stress disorder as a senior project

While reviewing this post before publishing I discovered the video below that is a very sensitive young woman who talks about the the symptoms and treatment. Some I do not believe were mentioned in the above written material. One in particular stands out is the the amnesia and specifically the short term memory problem. I suffer from that to an extreme extent. Maybe if a certain person I know listens to this video she will believe me more when I say that I really do not remember what she said and that I have a difficult time concentrating. She thinks I don’t listen but that is not it at all. I hope that others out there will gain something for all of what I have offered on this post. jk the secret keeper ps. at the end I am going to list a few books that I have found helpful for me in dealing with what I have been writing about here.

C-PTSD Symptoms and Treatment

Orange Petals in a Storm
Dr. Niamh Clune

The Coming of the Feminine Christ
Dr. Niamh Clune

Every Child Is Entitled to Innocence
An Anthology of Happy and Sad Stories From Childhood

These are all available through Amazon and reasonably priced. I have them all in my collection. They will give you insight and inspiration. The intelligence of the two books by Dr. Niamh Clune are brilliant to genius. Dr. Clune’s books are all Five Star. The first is a novel about a young girl who is living in the middle of a nightmare but how she deals with it is what makes the book so amazing. I am reading it again and finding that it is helping me to deal with my emotions that are coming up. The book has a magical way of grounding me. It is what you would describe as a combination of metaphysical and magical realism. Read the first chapter and you will be hooked.

The second book by Dr. Clune is a true story. The Coming of the Feminine Christ took years to write. A great deal of research went into pulling together exactly in what way Dr. Clune would convey the revelation she received while walking through a rain forest in Canada, not alone, and meeting face to face with an angel who gave her a very strong message about this planet and humankind. It is more than about this confrontation. You just need to check out the reviews and read some of the book that Amazon offers as a Look Inside option. It mystifies everyone that has read it. I have read through and go over many passages again and again. Each time I learn something new or understand something in a more profound way. It does also help dealing with recovery and healing.

The last book is a collection of stories that adults have written about their childhoods. Some are happy and some are sad. It is a perfect book for someone who has C-PTSD or someone that knows of anyone who has suffered when they were a child. It is for anyone. We have all been children and have had our own experiences of childhood. This book and the other two books were published by Plum Tree Books. All are available in kindle. Click on the Titles and you will be taken to the page where you can check these books out and where you will be able to purchase them if you so desire. jk the secret keeper…

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