Category Archives: suicidal ideations

Genius or Madness?

Genius or Madness?
“Up/Down” Bipolar Disorder Documentary
Post Created by Jk the SK
Illustrated by j. kiley
Created May 12th 2013
Posted May 13th 2013

Original Transcript
6 November 2012
Genius or Madness?
Professor Glenn Wilson

“Great wits are sure to madness near allied, and thin partitions do their bounds divide” (John Dryden, 1681).
“There is no great genius without a tincture of madness” (Seneca, 1st Century A.D.).silver divider between paragraphs

dali  spider of the evening 1024x768

dali spider of the evening

silver divider between paragraphsMany great artists and scientists appear to have gone slightly mad following their lofty achievements. Isaac Newton was arguably the greatest physicist of all time, introducing the concept of gravity and making major advances in optics, mechanics and mathematics. He was also intensely suspicious and distrustful of others and in later life dabbled in alchemy and sought hidden messages in the Bible. Of course, alchemy was not thought a mad pursuit in Newton’s day and he could have been afflicted with mercury poisoning as a result of his experiments.silver divider between paragraphs
dali   the disintegration of the persistance of memory  1030x800

dali the disintegration of the persistance of memory

silver divider between paragraphsBeethoven and Van Gogh are also said to have gone progressively mad, though the reasons are equally debatable. Beethoven’s mania may have been due to alcoholism, syphilis, or lead poisoning (apart from his profound deafness, which would distress anyone, let alone a musician). There are theories that Van Gogh’s mood swings were caused by porphyria rather than bipolar disorder, that he lost his ear in a duel with Gauguin (claiming self-injury to maintain his friendship) and that his “suicide” was an accidental shooting by two boys playing cowboys (whom he also protected).silver divider between paragraphs
van gogh  starry night on the rhone  932x687

van gogh starry night on the rhone

silver divider between paragraphsFor others, the genius and madness appear in parallel. Nikola Tesla was a brilliant applied scientist whose inventions rivaled those of Edison. He obtained around 300 patents in radio and electricity technologies, pioneering alternating current and hydroelectric power. However, he claimed to be in communication with other planets, to have invented “death rays” and suffered from bizarre compulsions.silver divider between paragraphs
van gogh bridge  1102x828

van gogh bridge

silver divider between paragraphsJohn Nash, the Nobel-winning mathematician who developed “game theory” for the social sciences also suffered paranoid delusions throughout his career. He was hospitalised involuntarily and had to feign sanity to be released. He still heard the voices but learned how to live with them and not to talk about them. “I wouldn’t have had such good scientific ideas if I had thought more normally” he said.silver divider between paragraphs
van gogh starry night  933x768

van gogh starry night

silver divider between paragraphsSometimes it is a matter of chance or social milieu that determines whether an individual is deemed brilliant or crazy. To the Counter-Reformation Church leaders, Galileo was not necessarily mad (probably just heretical) but they clearly failed to appreciate his genius and subjected him to a lifetime of house arrest. In other times and places Picasso and Einstein might have been committed to an insane asylum rather than revered for their original thinking.silver divider between paragraphs
moby dick - jackson pollock  826x689

moby dick – jackson pollock

silver divider between paragraphsMany lists of creative achievers throughout history have been compiled along with mental health symptoms and diagnostic categories retrospectively assigned to them. Unfortunately, these are mostly anecdotal, speculative and lacking in proper controls for comparison. Some have argued that the connection between genius and madness has been over-egged because of a few high-profile cases such as those described above.silver divider between paragraphs
virginia woolf by george charles beresford 1902

virginia woolf by george charles beresford 1902

silver divider between paragraphsThe best evidence in support of the genius-madness link comes from behaviour genetics. The close relatives of creative people are more likely to be schizophrenic and vice versa (psychotics having more creative relatives). Einstein, for example, had a son who was schizophrenic, while Bertrand Russell had many schizophrenic relatives. According to Simonton (1999), “creative hits and crazy misses” are mixed within many illustrious family pedigrees, including the Darwins, Galtons and Huxleys.silver divider between paragraphs
virginia woolf

virginia woolf

silver divider between paragraphsThe first degree relatives of creative people are actually more prone to mental disorders than creatives themselves. This is because actual illness (as opposed to its genetic predisposition) is likely to impede a creative career. The exception seems to be writers, who themselves show high rates of many behavioural disorders, including psychoses, mood disorders, substance abuse and suicide.silver divider between paragraphsvirginia-woolf 3silver divider between paragraphsCould the environment also be involved? Traumatic events in childhood and orphan status seem more common in those who make outstanding contributions to art and science. In a study of 700 high achievers, found that three-quarters had troubled childhoods, especially loss of a parent. The “school of hard knocks” could provide motivation and inspiration (Dickens and Chaplin come to mind here) while at the same time generating psychological disorder. However, this idea is opposite to the common-sense view that parental support and encouragement is beneficial to achievement, rather than maltreatment and deprivation. Indeed, the Goetzels found that wealth was more common in the backgrounds of famous people than poverty. And of course, pathology in the parents may be genetically transmitted to their children, thus accounting for some of the associations reported.silver divider between paragraphs
Virginia Woolf  1000x288

Virginia Woolf

silver divider between paragraphsSimilar thought processes, such as unusual and grandiose ideas, together with a determination to promote them, seem to link genius and psychosis. Certain neurotransmitters and gene loci have been cited as common to both, including the male sex hormone testosterone, a gene relating to a growth factor involved in neural development and plasticity called neuregulin 1 (NRG1 and genes modulating dopamine transmission in the brain, e.g., DARPP-32.silver divider between paragraphs
virginia woolf painting  1024x768

virginia woolf painting

silver divider between paragraphsUnconventional thinking is characteristic of a constitutional personality trait called Psychoticism (P). This has many facets, including tough-mindedness, lack of empathy, impulsiveness, risk-taking, adventure-seeking, bizarre thinking, and a refusal to adhere to social norms. High levels of P predispose to psychopathy and clinical psychosis, as well as to creativity, thus accounting for the overlap between them. A good deal of research over recent decades has supported this theory. A related trait is called schizotypy. An optimum number of indicators for this relates to creative achievement, rather than full-blown schizophrenia.silver divider between paragraphs
kurt cobain

kurt cobain

silver divider between paragraphsDopamine function (or dysfunction?) may account for the link between genius and madness. Dopamine is the chemical messenger in the meso-limbic and cortical areas of the brain concerned with approach, reward, positive mood and achievement-seeking. Genes that modulate dopamine levels are reported to affect novelty-seeking behaviour and to relate to Impulsivity and Psychoticism. Recreational drugs that are addictive and sometimes lead to delusions and hallucinations (e.g., amphetamine psychosis) tend to raise levels of dopamine in the brain. By contrast, anti-psychotic medications are usually dopamine antagonists (this being one of the reasons why compliance is difficult). Untreated schizophrenics have more D2 receptors in the striatum and lower D2 binding in the thalamus.silver divider between paragraphs
cobain - bipolar  659x446

kurt cobain – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsGenius and psychotic are both inclined to loose associations (i.e., “thinking outside the box”). This can be observed as unusual responses on a word association test or in some of Salvador Dali’s surreal images (e.g., the Lobster-Telephone and the Mae West Lips Sofa). Such flexibility of thought seems to be increased by dopamine.silver divider between paragraphs
beethoven - bipolar  630x630

beethoven – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsAnother description of the schizophrenic thinking style is that it tends to be over-inclusive, with the boundaries of relevance being set more broadly. To most people, an apple falling off a tree and the movement of planets in the solar system would appear to have nothing in common, but Newton was insightful enough to connect them under the grand unifying concept of “gravity.” Of course, not all such generalisations turn out to be that useful but many great scientific theories depend upon the ability to perceive improbable connections.silver divider between paragraphs
carrie fisher - bipolar 638x359

carrie fisher – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsExactly how loose associations or over-inclusive thinking promote genius is unclear. If enough crazy ideas are generated, one or two might hit the target by chance alone. This approach is deliberately harnessed in “brainstorming” sessions which use random “flashcards” as a means of generating fresh ideas. Certainly, it is difficult to be creative operating within received wisdom and some of the greatest artists and composers were the “rebels” least shackled by the traditional rules of their art. However, the “shotgun” theory smacks slightly of “monkeys on typewriters”. (It would take a long time for them come up with the complete works of Shakespeare). Outstanding advances in science, like the theories of evolution and relativity, and great works of art, such as Wagner’s Ring Cycle, cannot be generated by chance alone. Profound imagination and high-level spatial intelligence is usually required in addition.silver divider between paragraphs
bipolar behaviour  655x387

bipolar behaviour

silver divider between paragraphsApplication to the point of “work addiction” is also often involved. Edison reckoned that genius was 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.Most creative people are also the most productive. There is a positive correlation between quality and quantity of output, implying that each masterpiece is likely to be interspersed with much that is mediocre. (I do not ne)cessarily agree with this statement.)silver divider between paragraphs
marilyn monroe - bipolar 630x465

marilyn monroe – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsThe human tendency to apophenia may be implicated in both creativity and madness. This refers to seeing meaningful patterns where they do not exist and it underlies superstition and hallucinations (e.g., seeing ghosts and hearing “voices”). This perceptual style has survival value because failing to spot a predator in the forest is a bigger (potentially fatal) mistake than seeing one where it does not exist. Exaggerated apophenia is characteristic of schizotypal individuals and is enhanced by dopamine.silver divider between paragraphs
ernest hemingway - bipolar 627x590

ernest hemingway – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsAnother mental “illness” linked with creativity is bipolar mood disorder (previously called “manic-depressive psychosis”). This is characterised by extreme mood swings, occurring over a period of months, and it seems particularly to afflict artists, writers, musicians and comedians. Among highly talented people who appear to have suffered mood disorder are Peter Tchaikovsky, Robert Schumann, Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Spike Milligan, Paul Merton and Stephen Fry (who presented a TV documentary on bipolar disorder detailing his experiences).silver divider between paragraphs
winston churchill - bipolar 630x586

winston churchill – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsGenetic analysis shows links between bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Sufferers are often tortured souls, particularly when the “Black Dog” afflicts them, and their feelings may be tapped to give greater depth and sensitivity to their art. On the other hand, the “flight of ideas” experienced in the “manic” phase of the mood cycle can result in exceptional productivity. As with the trade-off between schizophrenia and genius, bipolar disorder balances troughs with peaks in a way that might account for its evolutionary survival. Treatments are available for bipolar disorder but there is a danger that, by smoothing mood, they could impede the creative forces.silver divider between paragraphs
bipolar wheel 670x480

bipolar wheel

silver divider between paragraphsThen there are the autistic spectrum disorders (such as Asperger’s syndrome) in which a deficiency in social communication is sometimes accompanied by “savant” skills in fields like music, mathematics and spatial intelligence. In the film Rain Man (1988), Dustin Hoffman plays Raymond Babbitt an autistic whose exceptional memory is exploited by his brother to count cards in Las Vegas casinos. (This was loosely based on a real-life savant called Kim Peek, who may in fact have had a chromosome disorder). The artist Louis Wain, who became famous for his surrealistic cat paintings was hospitalised for schizophrenia, but others have argued he was actually autistic.silver divider between paragraphs
marilyn monroe poster 851x315

marilyn monroe poster

silver divider between paragraphsThese various “disorders” can all contribute to extraordinary contributions to art and science. Some tendency to psychotic traits seems to be beneficial (thus accounting for the maintenance of such genes) but too much makes the individual disorganised and is hence detrimental. It is notable that creative artists and writers have profiles similar to those of psychotic patients on clinical scales of the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) but are less extreme – in fact, roughly half-way between normal controls and full-blown schizophrenics.silver divider between paragraphs
mel gibson - bipolar 891x668

mel gibson – bipolar

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What is the mechanism whereby schizophrenic genes promote survival? The clue may be in the behaviour of bower birds, the males of which make colourful and elaborate constructions in order to attract a female (the Taj Mahals of the bird world). Creativity has also been shown to promote mating success in men, as measured by number of sex partners. Since there is no such connection for women, it is not surprising that men’s productivity in art and science exceeds that of women by around ten times.(I don’t believe this statement about men exceed women by around ten times in productivity in art and science—more like opportunity and the continued imbalance in availability and acknowledgment).silver divider between paragraphs
medical cannabis for bipolar treatment 634x633

medical cannabis for bipolar treatment

silver divider between paragraphsObviously, it does not do to be totally and permanently “away with the fairies”; some measure of control needs to be maintained. Consider James Joyce and his daughter Lucia, who was being treated by Carl Jung for schizophrenia in 1934. Joyce doubted she could be schizophrenic because her thought patterns were so similar to his own. Jung disagreed, comparing father and daughter to two people who had arrived at the bottom of a river. According to Jung, James had dived there, whereas Lucia had fallen in. silver divider between paragraphs
marilyn monroe her famous selfish quote 647x375

marilyn monroe her famous selfish quote

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Genius and madness have much in common but there are also important differences between them. Mostly these are to do with intelligence, self-insight and contact with reality. Salvador Dali said: “There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know that I am mad”. Certainly, Dali was eccentric, self-absorbed and grandiose with a flamboyant moustache and a manic stare. But he was also a skilled draftsman, who produced brilliant, imaginative artworks, which made him rich, famous and able to enjoy a life of luxury. He was not, therefore, totally mad. © Professor Glenn D Wilson 2012
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Genius or Madness? The Psychology of Creativity – Professor Glenn D. Wilson. The text is close to what is on the video but if you want to see it just click on this link.
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“Up/Down” Bipolar Disorder Documentary FULL MOVIE (2011)silver divider between paragraphsThis is a brilliantly made Documentary. Everyone who is Bipolar or knows someone who is or those in the Psychiatric profession and do counseling with anyone who is bipolar or anyone interested in bipolar and everyone who wants to have a knowledge of bipolar and find out what it is from what the myths are or how much people are misinformed about bipolar. A MUST SEE VIDEO. STOP THE STIGMA OF BIPOLAR AND ANY FORM OF MENTAL “ILLNESS” CREATIVITY.silver divider between paragraphs

Beethoven’s Ninth Symphonysilver divider between paragraphs
QUOTATIONS on GENIUS:

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ― Oscar Levant

“Genius is nothing more nor less than childhood recaptured at will.” ― Charles Baudelaire, The Painter of Modern Life and Other Essays

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle

“I’m a misunderstood genius.”
“What’s misunderstood?”
“Nobody thinks I’m a genius.”
― Bill Watterson

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” ― E.F. Schumacher

“The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Artist as Critic: Critical Writings of Oscar Wilde

“The true genius shudders at incompleteness — imperfection — and usually prefers silence to saying the something which is not everything that should be said.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Marginaliasilver divider between paragraphs
QUOTATIONS on MADNESS:

“Sanity is a madness put to good uses.” ― George Santayana, Essential Santayana, The: Selected Writings

“So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.” ― Alan Moore, Batman: The Killing Joke

“Human madness is oftentimes a cunning and most feline thing. When you think it fled, it may have but become transfigured into some still subtler form.” ― Herman Melville, Moby-Dick

“I don’t possess these thoughts I have — they possess me. I don’t possess these feelings I have — They obsess me.” ― Ashly Lorenzana

“The thoughts written on the walls of madhouses by their inmates might be worth publicizing.” ― Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

“Men have called me mad; but the question is not settled whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence — whether much that is glorious — whether all that is profound — does not spring from disease of thought — from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who only dream by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in waking, to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret. In snatches, they learn something of the wisdom which is of good, and more of the mere knowledge which is of evil. They penetrate, however rudderless or compassless, into the vast ocean of the ‘light ineffable’.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Eleonora silver divider between paragraphs
QUOTATIONS on BIPOLAR:

“I’m the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible…” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Compared to bipolar’s magic, reality seems a raw deal. It’s not just the boredom that makes recovery so difficult, it’s the slow dawning pain that comes with sanity – the realization of illnesss, the humiliating scenes, the blown money and friendships and confidence. Depression seems almost inevitable. The pendulum swings back from transcendence in shards, a bloody, dangerous mess. Crazy high is better than crazy low. So we gamble, dump the pills, and stick it to the control freaks and doctors. They don’t understand, we say. They just don’t get it. They’ll never be artists.” ― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

“Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It’s fun and it’s frightening as hell. Some patients – bipolar type I – experience both extremes; other – bipolar type II – suffer depression almost exclusively. But the “mixed state,” the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression’s paranoid self-loathing.” ― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

“Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

“Except you cannot outrun insanity, anymore than you can outrun your own shadow.” ― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, live your vision ” ― George Denslow, Living Out of Darkness: A Personal Journey of Embracing the Bipolar Opportunitysilver divider between paragraphs

Teen Suicides - I wish I had a real answer

Reblogged from Vampire Maman:

It is sad that my 13 year old daughter talked about suicides for about a half hour last night. She wouldn’t shut up about it but then again, she needed to talk about it. But what was scary was how she was so matter of fact about it. But she was also passionate and angry about it.

This isn't the first time she talked about it.

Read more… 859 more words

bully film posterBullying is an issue everyone, whether you have children or not, should be concerned with and should be upset about. This post that Vampire Maman wrote brought up many important points that need to be addressed immediately. Bullying should not be tolerated or allowed to exist in our school systems. Go to her site and read the complete post. Join in the non-violent fight of stopping this HORRIBLY SAD situation, where children think that suicide is the only answer to ending the pain of bullying. Stopping the Bullies is the answer and coming to the aid of those who need help. Tell them it will be alright. Help stop their pain by stopping the torture and stopping teen suicide because of it. "Teen Suicides - I wish I had a real answer" written by Vampire Maman *******I have the film "Bully" but I haven't watched it yet. My therapist thought it would be too triggering. Someday soon I am going to see it. (She gave me her approval today to watch this as long as I do some Art Work while watching to de-stress me. *******The young man in the film, I have heard who was mercilessly bullied, now has come out of his shell because of the film. He has lots of friends. He is a success story. *******Far too many teens have taken the road to commit suicide. It is far too painful and the bullies are far too merciless. *******I understand the effects of bullying. I was in music, marching band, orchestra, theatre, sports, and other activities that drew unwanted attention to myself. I didn't fit in anywhere, and I was also extremely shy. But when I was in school the bullying wasn't what it is today. Suicide wasn't the first solution. I don't remember anyone succeeding or attempting suicide. But I may have just blocked it all out. I know that I did think about it. I even did try to commit suicide because of the pain inside of me.But I realized that suicide wasn't the answer. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. *******It seems that today, it is the first resort to ending the pain. Like you, I don't know the answers. If you tell on the bullies, you are considered a snitch, and it makes the bullying worse. I think you are right , there should be a no tolerance rule on bullying. You bully kids you are out of that school. Try a little home schooling on the bullies. Let the other kids live in peace. ******* I suppose, if I were a student today, I might or rather I would be one of the at risk kids to commit suicide. I know from the way I felt at that age, I would not be able to take the kind of torture they are handing out today. *******I think maybe it is time for me to watch the film "Bully." It is one of the top issues I try to focus on and I try to talk about on the secret keeper, but I haven't done it recently. I have an avatar of purple lightning on FB that I vowed I would not replace until bullying was brought under control and stopped. *******It is time to watch the film, review it and to talk about it. *******Vampire Maman, your post is great. Something I needed to read right now. Thank you for bringing up the issue to help people become more aware. There does need to be a constant awareness bringing "Bullying" to everyone's attention. We need to be continually reminded that the issue exists. *******It is curious that I happened to be talking to my partner Shawn about this just this past week. I wondered where was our copy of "Bully." I told her about the boy I mentioned above. I lost my point. Until I remember, I would like to say that I think the point of Vampire Maman's of giving strong support to the weaker kids is a brilliant idea. All kids should get involved. *******I remember. It was about one of the authority figures on a film clip I had viewed, who was from the school where the film "Bully" took place. She said, that "she has ridden the bus in question," (she is talking to some parents,) "and the kids were nothing but behaved. There wasn't any problem here, that she saw." Well, she sounds like a real idiot. Does she really think those kids, especially the bullies, are going to act out while she is present. How stupid is she. This is the mentality kids and parents are dealing with, because they don't see it, it isn't happening. They would rather not see reality, that way they don't have to do anything about it, or feel responsible for the bullying happening. Who knows maybe some of them were bullies themselves and feel, "well, isn't that too bad. why don't they stop whining and just suck it up." *******Something has too happen in the schools. Bullying should be tantamount to abuse on many levels and should not be tolerated and should be prosecuted. It's plain out and out torture. *******Since when is it ok to torture kids. It's like one level below domestic violence, which once upon a time was ignored, and not considered significant enough for the police to do anything about it, until someone was usually killed. *******I am going to reblog this, and later today I'm going to try to find our copy of the film "Bully" and watch it. *******Sometime this week, if I am able, I am going to write a review of the film "Bully". But if not this week I will do it as soon as I am able to. It will be soon, I promise you that. jk the secret keeper. ps. A Great Post Vampire Maman. jk the secret keeper *******STOP BULLYING NOW---*******STOP TEEN SUICIDE NOW---*******SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER---*******IT IS ONLY AN ALL TOO PERMANENT ANSWER FOR A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.

i like the way it hurts

i like the way it hurts
poem by jennifer kiley
©transgraphics by j. kiley
posted 01.10.13
challenge: line from song: #2
guess song title and singer(s)

casser sur passé à l’autre côté par j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

i like the way it hurts
by jennifer kiley

i like the way it hurts
the depth of depression
the numbness of the blood
leave open the pain
blood letting
does still release demons
or awaken them to the feast
they plant the thoughts
the actions are a natural
progression of self-worth
and self-hatred
its companion
the longer i let it touch me
the deeper are the wounds

it hurts with pleasure
usually it’s all that’s possible
what i feel is the pain
releases the blood
drains the pain away
the numbness sets in
the anger the rage the pain
decreases and releases
the consciousness is leaving
all washes away
all feelings that hold me down
i’m floating on air
the heaviness evaporates
what holds the reasons
to stay are reasoned away

leaving behind what i hurt
their lives will continue
better without me near or here
missing will fade away in time
my spirit will serve
those i love
who love me
better as a memory
apologizing for any pain
i will guide
as i am allowed
but as a spirit
it is all
i am qualified to be
maybe a muse
i will work up to be
or a guardian angel
will be better than me
who am i now
lost in the daze
of a bipolar mystery
and bruised memories
that have beaten me down
where there is just no energy
left inside of me to survive

© jennifer kiley 2013

love the way you lie-rihanna & eminem

line from song: “i like the way it hurts”
song: “love the way you lie” singer: rihanna rap: eminem

5 Persistent Myths About Bipolar Disorder

5 Persistent Myths About Bipolar Disorder
By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor
Published in PsychCentral
Edited by the secret keeper

Bipolar disorder is a serious and difficult illness that affects all facets of a person’s life: their education, work, relationships, health and finances. (Read Julie A. Fast: author of several bestselling books on bipolar disorder, including Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder.

Fast was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder II at 31 years old in 1995, a time when very little was discussed regarding the diagnosis. Since that time, knowledge and media coverage of bipolar disorder have improved dramatically. “I’m astonished at how much more people know about the illness.”

TV shows are featuring more accurate portrayals of bipolar disorder. “In the past, people with bipolar disorder were practically frothing at the mouth.” Today, writers and producers make it a point to get it right. Recently, Fast served as one of the advisors on the hit Showtime series “Homeland” and talked with Claire Danes about her character’s bipolar disorder.

While information has gotten much better, many misconceptions still exist and endure.

Five Persistent Myths About Bipolar Disorder

1. Myth: Bipolar disorder and depression are completely different diagnoses.

Fact: Bipolar disorder and depression — also known as unipolar depression — are not completely different illnesses. In fact, this is one of the most misunderstood ideas about bipolar disorder. (Psychiatrists are to blame for the misconception.)

Patients who believe this myth may oppose the diagnosis “if they don’t have the full-blown ‘manic-depressive’ picture and also resist taking “bipolar” medications like lithium.” Read Dr. Mondimore, author of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families.

It’s more accurate to think of bipolar disorder and depression as “probably represent[ing] two ends of a spectrum of illnesses…The designation ‘bipolar II’ has helped crack this a bit, but this is why the term ‘bipolar spectrum disorder’ continues to gain ground.”

2. Myth: People with bipolar disorder experience dramatic mood swings followed by complete remission of symptoms.

Fact: Some people with bipolar disorder experience this pattern. However, “Many patients have periods of residual symptoms and less severe but still significant mood fluctuations between episodes of more severe symptoms.” This is especially common if people don’t engage in healthy habits to manage the illness.

3. Myth: Medication is the only treatment for bipolar disorder.

Fact: Medication is an important part of managing bipolar disorder. But it’s not the only answer. Viewing medication as your only treatment option “can lead to fruitless reaches for the ‘right’ medication.” And it can lead you to avoid making valuable lifestyle changes and seeking therapy.

As Fast writes on her website, “Medications take care of half of the illness, the other half is management.”

Stressed is the importance of leading a healthy lifestyle, including avoiding alcohol and drugs, cultivating good sleep habits, exercising and effectively coping with stress.

Medication and alternative therapies can be part of the treatment plan. Still be cautious against thinking “that we can exercise, diet, meditate, walk and rethink our way out of this illness.” (In fact, this is another big myth that persists.)

Think of bipolar disorder like any other long-term illness, such as diabetes and high blood pressure. It requires commitment and comprehensive management.

4. Myth: After having a severe episode, people with bipolar disorder should be able to bounce back.

Fact: If a person with bipolar disorder experiences a severe episode — one that requires hospitalization, for instance — there’s an expectation that afterward they’ll be able to get back to their work and life. However, equate this scenario to people who’ve been in a car crash. You wouldn’t expect someone with broken bones simply to get up and start sprinting.

5. Myth: People with bipolar disorder aren’t trying hard enough.

Fact: People wonder why someone with bipolar disorder just doesn’t try harder. They think that if they exert more effort, they’d have the life they want. They wonder why everyone else who experiences mood swings can cope with them but someone with bipolar disorder can’t.

But this implies that bipolar disorder is a choice. “Would you ever say that to someone with diabetes or pneumonia?”

People just don’t realize how serious bipolar disorder is. Thankfully, though serious, it’s highly treatable. Managing the illness is hard work, and finding the right medication takes time. But “Keep trying. Never give up.”

***I add that I do not personally agree that medication is necessarily the answer for everyone with the bipolar diagnosis. I do not take medication for Bipolar but I do take medication for my health and for my anxiety/panic. I, also, work with the methods found in the books written by Tom Wootten, particularly the book: “Bipolar In Order.”

It takes a long time to learn these methods and have them become effective. The theory is to work toward finding your bliss whether you are in a depressive state and having a difficult time or whether you are in manic state. Finding your state of bliss is working toward blending these levels so there is a more even connection and one learns to exist in all of the levels of your bipolar with an acceptance that all of life is a long continuation of its self and all states are part of the other. You do not “rise above the pain,” instead you are experiencing it fully. But the pain is no longer controlling your reactions. I wish I could get to that state but I feel I am working on it but first I need to learn how to release the pain so that I can feel it.

“The advantage is that we have the ability to experience it more deeply, while having the wisdom to chose how to react…The “cure” for depression is not the removal of all symptoms. The “cure” is to get to the point that the symptoms lose their power over us. …pain is part of the bliss just as much as pleasure, happiness and all other conditions.

From another article I found the following statement, in which I was not aware of before now.

“…People who suffer from an anxiety disorder in addition to bipolar disorder are more likely to have severe symptoms of bipolar, such as suicidal behavior, more manic episodes, and more depressive episodes…”

***Reading this last statement, it helps me to understand certain bipolar reactions that I experience. Lately, I haven’t felt like my bipolar has been that bad but in actuality, I have been losing more and more control over by bipolar. Coming to that realization, I have to thank my partner for pointing that out to me over the past holiday and culminating with her telling me late last night that I am totally out of control. I need to give myself a break. To take things slower. Not feel like I have to do everything all at once or create so many expectations for myself that I forget about sleeping and eating. Also, she feels I am not realizing that I have been depressed and hiding behind the manic episodes. Consuming myself in activities way beyond what anyone should expect themselves to accomplish. So I need to slow down. Talk more to my therapist about how to get things under control. I just need to break down projects into shorter versions at a time and not think I have to do them all at the same time and have them completed all at once.

I must say I rather like the term “bipolar spectrum disorder” because it incorporates all the possible combinations of how Bipolar effects anyone who lives with it. My symptoms are across the whole spectrum and do not fit nicely into any diagnostic package. Compound that with the other parts of my life I am working on healing that are not directly connected to BSD, I would say I live a rather complicated life. Let me tell you I am never bored. Who has time for that. I would also like to thank all the people in my life who have been extremely supportive. They know who they are.

I am sending a May Day signal that I need to slow down but still maintain a pace in my life that allows me to be creative but to do it in a Zen state rather than in a Hypomanic State. Now I know that isn’t going to be easy. And I sure have a lot of work to do to establish this “relatively incomprehensible state” for myself right now. I do find certain of my activities to be quite Zen.

That happens when I am being creative or better said, when I am creating something. Not making lists and lists for what I want to do, but the actual doing the activity of creating a poem or piece of art or drawing or making a collage or what my partner and I named transgraphics, writing anything imaginative or expounding upon a belief or developing a thought while stating facts within an argument in a written debate, working on my screenplays, short stories, or longer fictional writing. Creating is such an essential part of my life that if I were not able to do it I would die inside and want to die on the outside also. That is how important creating and art is to my life and existence.

So, I have Bipolar “Spectrum” Disorder and so many other challenges, that is why I throw myself into so many Challenges on “the secret keeper.” It is a haven I have created where I can live in a world that so many other creative people participate and that I follow and who follow me. It is my Paradise on this planet. A grand place to learn and join with others to expand our minds and have an enlightening experience and a fun place of a multiplicity of expressions and connections.

I felt this needed to be posted. Hopefully, for those who read this, it will give you a better understanding in a small or better way some of what Bipolar is and isn’t. Be kind. We have feelings just like everyone else and we hurt and feel just like everyone else. jk the secret keeper

Famous People with Bipolar

A-Z Famous People with Bipolar

Bipolar People

Famous People with Bipolar

Just a few sample of videos of who have been diagnosed or conjectured to have lived with Bipolar. There are a great many books and videos available for those who are interested in finding out more.

Personal Perspective on Feeling Suicidal

Personal Perspective on Feeling Suicidal
by Jennifer Kiley
10.12.12

When you are bipolar, suicide takes on a different dimension. It comes with the low of bipolar with depression often accompanied with feeling suicidal. Death doesn’t feel scary at all to me and being drawn to a method to commit suicide goes through your mind.

I am conscious of what I am feeling and struggle with the urges which are strong. When I am able to come to a reasonable place where I think of my animals and the people in my life that I would hurt it helps pull me back to a more lucid place but the suicidal feelings don’t subsist.

I turn to writing. It enables me to express the emotions and thoughts that are happening inside of me. Eventually, I am able to write myself into a calmer place and often bring myself to a level plain where I can relax and allow myself to get sleep. But it is extremely powerful, when you are in the midst of feeling suicidal.

Something new has been happening. I am beginning to sense when I am being triggered or when I am heading for a suicidal fall. Certain physical sensations spread through my body. It is much more physical than mental. I have spent a great deal of time in therapy trying to discover this about myself. It is important to discover the triggers that set off the suicidal ideation but it is also important with bipolar to identify what sets off the hypomanic or manic phases before they are set off.

The next phase is to figure out whether I would be able to prevent or to weaken the effect of the extreme lows or extreme highs. Both can be as harmful to me or anyone with bipolar.

The delusions are what I am also trying to understand now. I have come to a place where I can step outside of a delusional state and logically observe what I see as the delusion and know what it is and see what is real and what is not. This is all an advance for me that I have accomplished. It doesn’t prevent any of these states to take place. I still get suicidal when depressed but actual times when I get depressed may last longer but they are not always filled with thoughts of suicidal ideations.

The high states, I still have a problem with getting sleep when I am feeling hypomanic. And the delusional thoughts filled with paranoia, doubt and confusion are becoming more able to understand. It doesn’t necessarily stop me from feeling the mixed confusion but if I fight it and talk it out with my s/o I am able to get a clearer fix on what is the false truth and what is the true reality.

This is great progress for me. I feel I need to thank my writing and my friends and significant other for their help in guiding me through these difficult states to bring me to a better understanding of what is really going on.

Right now I am not sure how much credit I want to give to my present therapist feeling the way I do. I wrote those feelings down in a poem that I posted yesterday. I have a lot of thinking to do to figure out what I need to do next.

I do need a therapist but I need one I can trust and who is on my side and also who is able to help me and understands my conditions better than I do so that they will be able to help me toward getting better or at least in improving my understanding of what is going on in my mind. Also, to help me express my feelings more openly and freely and for me to not be afraid or ashamed of what I feel or think.

There is a lot more work to be done and I need to work with someone I can trust and is not going to do something so outrageously cruel as my therapist just did to me this past week. Lots of thought needs to go into what I will do next.

“Suicide is a form of murder-premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organisation and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.” ~ Susanna Kaysen ~ Girl, Interrupted
…J.K. the secret keeper

Jack & Bobby-Lost Boys

Worldwide nearly a million people commit suicide every year. More than those murdered or killed in war. Think before you say something hurtful to someone else. It may look like they’re ok but they’re not. Words are more powerful than you think. OCTOBER IS ANTI-BULLYING MONTH. STOP BULLYING. BEING BULLIED CAN LEAD TO SUICIDE.

The Myths of Suicide

The Myths of Suicide
By Thomas Joiner, PhD
January 19, 2011

Completely Revised by The Secret Keeper on 10.12.12
OCTOBER IS ANTI-BULLYING MONTH. STOP BULLYING. BEING BULLIED CAN LEAD TO SUICIDE.

Myths about suicide abound in the therapeutic setting. Why People Die by Suicide involves a fight against ancient, ingrained, and powerful self-preservation instincts. In Myths About Suicide, I contend that death by suicide is neither impulsive, cowardly, vengeful, controlling, nor selfish.

Impulsivity myths
It is a fallacy that suicide is an impulsive and momentary whim. A reporter committed suicide right on the air. She extracted a gun from beneath her desk and shot herself behind the right ear. She was rushed to a local hospital, but died 14 hours later.
The usual reaction to this tragic tale beyond shock and horror was to dwell on the seemingly impulsive nature of the act. The reporter’s behavior leading up to her suicide dispels the idea that she acted impulsively:

•She openly told her family for years that she felt depressed and suicidal

• Four years before her death, she attempted suicide by overdose and frequently discussed the incident after making these attempts.

• Weeks before she died, the news station granted her request to cover a story on suicide; and during one interview, she asked a police officer for details on self-inflicted gunshot wounds

• One week before her suicide, she told a colleague that she had bought a gun and joked with him about killing herself on the air

• On the day of her suicide, she had put the gun in a bag that she brought to the set daily. She may have done this before this day, also.

•Lastly, she had prepared news copy for a fellow reporter to read about her suicide after the fact.
The news reporter’s death illustrates that her suicide was premeditated. To consider her death impulsive leads to why the decision at that moment precisely when to pull out the gun, instead of focusing on the many factors that led up to that planned moment.

In the book An Unquiet Mind, Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison discusses her own experience with suicidal behavior and describes how it actually works: “. . . for many months I went to the 8th floor of the stairwell of the UCLA hospital and, repeatedly, only just resisted throwing myself off the ledge. . . .” Contemplating suicide is a signature of serious suicidal behavior. Jamison’s months-long thought process and behaviors counter the notion of spontaneous death by suicide.

Suicide note myths
Leaving or not leaving a suicide note. No study has reported a rate of note leaving among suicide decedents to exceed 50%. A reasonable average rate would be approximately 25%.
Why are suicide notes so rare. Suicidal persons often kill themselves before they have a chance to write a note. The relative rarity of suicide notes reveals the state of mind of those about to die by suicide. To say that persons who die by suicide are lonely at the time of their deaths is a massive understatement. Loneliness, combined with alienation, isolation, rejection, and ostracism, is a better approximation. Notes are rare because most decedents feel alienated to the point that communication through a note seems pointless or does not occur to them at all.

Diagnostic myths
Friends and family who have been surprised by a suicide and often consider it to be deeply selfish. This is understandable because the bereaved are often convinced that the decedent did not consider the impact of his or her death on those left behind. However, those who die by suicide certainly do consider the impact of their deaths on others; but to them, death is a positive rather than a negative outcome. It is the view of the person who attempts suicide.

Seasonal myths
Another common myth that death by suicide peaks around the winter holidays. Far from peaking, the winter holidays represents a low point in suicide rates, because it is a time of togetherness.
Universities offer many social, cultural, academic, athletic, and other events—many of them free of charge. There is a high level of belonging inherent in these events, Suicide rates of college students are relatively low compared with their same-aged peers not at college.
In summer activities continue but ebb considerably. A sense of belonging is lower during the summer. Suicidal ideation are higher in the summer months explained by the fluctuations in opportunities for socializing.

Slow suicide myths
A person engages in unhealthy behaviors despite knowing that these behaviors may ultimately lead to death. Genuine suicidal behavior involves a rather clear intent to die, not to do something else like smoking or taking drugs because they like it. Smoking as a slow suicide, People know smoking puts them at risk, but they smoke anyway—not because they intend to die—but because they like it. Addicts continue to use drugs even though they understand that continued use might kill them; but because they like “doing” drugs, the risks do not matter.

Therapeutic implications
In therapy, there are marked warning signs: one is talking about suicide and planning for it, clinically severe agitation, insomnia, and nightmares. A patient’s fearlessness of death, perceived to be a burden on others, and accelerating alienation increased risk.

Myths About Suicide concludes:
We need to understand that suicide is not easy, painless, cowardly, selfish, vengeful, or rash; It is not caused by “slow” methods like smoking, doing drugs, anorexia, genetic or influenced by mental disorders, Is it preventable or treatable. When we understand this we can feel compassion for those who feel suicidal or those who succeed at committing suicide.

Think Before You Say Something

This is Jade. What has happened to her? She committed suicide three days after this video was made. Jade`s video is here to spread her message. STOP THE BULLYING. IT IS ANTI-BULLYING MONTH IN OCTOBER

Teenage suicide accounts for 31,000 suicides a year in the U.S., the 3rd leading cause of death.
Worldwide nearly a million people commit suicide every year. More than those murdered or killed in war.

Think before you say something hurtful to someone else. It may look like they’re ok but they’re not. Words are more powerful than you think.

Person You Hide

Person You Hide
By The Secret Keeper
9.13.12

person you hide

Source: Uploaded by user via Jody on Pinterest
Elephant Journal Wake Up Call of Your Mind 9.11.12

joyeux anniversaire amy
par le gardien secret
9.12.12

aujourd’hui
joyeux anniversaire
amy winehouse
vous étiez
né maintenant
vous êtes
presque allé
est allé
la douleur
venir si accablant
quelques pauses
brèves
dans le
chagrin
et la douleur
mais juste
une distraction
avant d’entrer
dans l’autre
vie de vie
pour un instant
mais
la porte ferme
quelqu’un veut
qu’il a rapproché
la sécurité
secrète
disparaît
un spécial
quelqu’un leur
présence est sue
et tendant
mais
il y a
une coupure
dans la connexion
que le satellite
déclenche vous
disparaissez
ils s’assurent
que cela est
la sensation
évidente
rien tout
seul seulement
la douleur
et
l’obscurité
la proie facile
être dévoré
la mort
de besoin
de sensations
inonde
les sens pas
capable de fermer
les pensées
un jour
juste glissera
loin à l’autre
côté
qui y
va avant
de c’est le temps
est que
pourquoi
aucune lutte
l’est présumé
pour être le temps
suppose
pour aller
juste part
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

November Rain-Guns N’ Roses

Don’t Cry-Guns N’Roses

Knockin’ On Heavens Door-Guns N’ Roses

Dedicated to M…She is my past but so difficult to let go of her. When she left I didn’t think anyone would make me want to trust or be alive again. There is someone. More than someone. But the lost child inside of me cannot find the satisfaction from all the loss and abandonment. The feelings slip away into a foggy memory that is lost in some other world. If not renewed it cannot be found. It is too frustrating for those who try to reach me, I can’t imagine why they don’t want to just give up. It seems as though I keep giving up and giving in to the depression that takes over my being. The suicidal feelings are getting more powerful. I thought they would diminish but the stronger the love the stronger the hold that death has on my soul. This is serious that I feel this way. Nothing seems to draw me away from the flame. I am the butterfly. I need to fly away and get carried away by the wind. Let it carry me to whereever the end of the rainbow finds a place to set down.

Happy Birthday Amy Winehouse 9.12.12

Happy Birthday Amy Winehouse
Created by The Secret Keeper
September 12, 2012
You would be 29 yrs Today

amy winehouse

Amy winehouse, you left this world on my birthday july 23, 2011. Your music entered into my life and it made me feel emotions only your songs and the way you sang them could make me feel. You led me, with your voice, through some extremely difficult times. i thank you, amy winehouse, for being so tremendousy talented and leaving the world such moving music to remember you by. You are hopefully with some really talented people who appreciate your gifts and you have the best jamming sessions. I’m thinking of you today on your birthday Sept, 12, 2012 in a special way. You are always in my heart and your music is listened to by me and millons of other fans all the time. Your soul lives on. Your music lives on. You are amongst the immortals. I’ve put together a few of my favorites to listen to and share with others. Maybe someone new will discover you that has never heard you before. Thank you for sharing your time on earth by creating such amazing music. I love you. You are loved by many. I know I will never forget you. Maybe someday we will meet. That would be so beyond cool. Say Hi to John and George and Janis and if you see River or James or Natasha, send my love to all of them. Don’t forget to say Hi to Wwhitney. Tell her we miss her. Be happy. That’s what I wish for you all. Love and Peace and Namaste. Jen ps. the secret keeper edited a poem i wrote earlier today while feeling the other side was closer then where i am now. i wonder if this is what it feels like moments before the end for most. it was suicide awareness this week. i know amy you didn’t exactly do that to yourself but you must have had some idea that you were drowning your pain. this poem is not a tribute. it is more a statement to bring awareness to what it feels like to no longer want to be here. sorry to all those who care but it is difficult to hold in this feeling of not wanting to be here any longer. it comes and it goes back away from me but the urge is strong. the bipolar takes hold of the center of your being and its your high that is great but when you’re low there is very little that can stop that feeling of where you go. this poem is a poem of letting go but what is being let go of is the question.

happy birthday amy
by the secret keeper
9.12.12

today
happy birthday
amy winehouse
you were born
now you are gone

being almost gone
the pain comes
so overwhelming
some brief pauses
in the grief and pain
but just a distraction
before entering
into the other life

living for awhile
but the door shuts
someone wants
it closed
in secret
safety
disappears

a special someone
their presence
is known
and reaching out

but there is a break
in the connection
the satellite disengages
you disappear
they make sure
that is evident

feeling nothing
all alone
only the pain
and darkness
easy prey
to be devoured

the feelings
want death
floods the senses
not able
to shut
the thoughts
down

someday
will just
slip away
to the other side
going there
before it’s time

is that why
no struggle
is it supposed
to be
time
suppose
to go
just go away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amy Winehouse – I’m No Good

Amy Winehouse-Back to Black

Amy Winehouse-Rehab

Amy Winehouse-Love is a Losing Game

Amy Winehouse-Valarie

the meaning and creative process of depression

the meaning and creative process of depression
by jennifer kiley

this post was prompted by a quote that Niamh Clune wrote on my post: “the art of seeing depression.” the quote is: “The melancholia of the soul and its desire to return to the beauty of the universe.” it was something Plato had described. that is what i am trying to discover, “the meaning and creative process of depression.” i am hoping what i learn from reading “BiPolar In Disorder” will guide me to an opening up inside my mind and a releasing of a clarity. it doesn’t sound easy but nothing that is worth it is. (sorry-what a cliche) but it is true. the quote from Plato caused a click in my head and possibly an insight. bear with me but i interpret the quote “the melancholia of the soul” is the deep depression which brings on a strong desire to want to leave this world. they’re symbiotic: depression & suicide. why suicide is a reaction to depression & it all seems so automatic, one follows the other almost immediately. is it a desire to want to release your soul into freedom? or is it an evil force torturing your mind & tricking it to release the soul into a hell beyond life. i vote for freedom.

but either way, it is suicide we are taling about. that cannot be the ultimate conclusion to depression. it has to exist for a more beneficial purpose. i just can’t figure it out but i want to understand it. i write some of the most intense poetry when in the thralls of depression. the words as they leave my mind and are recorded, the pressure inside of my head gradually diminishes. the energy starts to change and the release triggers a relaxation of the depressive state. when music is added in combination with the writing it becomes a more powerful state of creativity and the level of the depression is all consuming. it produces an extremely intense moment of energy and the creativity state becomes more divine and flows more freely. but the level of pain also increases in intensity. it’s visceral. it absorbs every part of you.

where lies the problem? experiencing the pain becomes an unbearable state which drives you into a state of madness that pushes you toward suicide. what are the alternatives? why suicide? how else does one relieve the pain? that’s what is needed, the answer to the question of what is the pain? where does it come from? how does one accept the pain without the consequences leading to suicidal thoughts or the act of committing or trying to commit suicide? what can take the place of suicide to satisfy the feelings of pain?

there needs to be a new way to think of pain and a way to appease its presence in your mind, body, heart and spirit. pain has always been something we want to be rid of. what is inside of pain that we are not understanding? pain is all encompassing. it doesn’t just touch your body. it infuses in your mind, heart and spirit. what, then, really is pain? that is the question. it fills the artist who then produces from her vision a perception from the depth of her soul. something profound or new may manifest itself from within her.

what are the other purposes of pain? it alerts you to something being wrong inside your body. in the state of depression then, pain is alerting you to something that is wrong inside of your being, your consicousness. pain is a warning system. something is not right with your all encompassing world. is the pain limited to your immediate being or does it streatch out globally or universally?

but let us get back to depression. the pain that is manifest in the state of depression. what warning is pain trying to communicate? it all seems to be unconscious, while writing in flow through the pain, it does seem to alleviate the pressure and release the strength of the pain. is depression the blocking out of the pain from awareness to the mind? is the thought or act of suicide a way of preventing the awareness contained within the pain?

all questions but few if any answers as of yet. “pain makes us pull away.” this is a reaction to touching something that is burning you. after taking out a metal tray of french fries from the oven, using a pot holder that i carefully placed over the edge of the tray, as i was closing in over my plate, my thumb started shotting an intense pain to my brain. my instinctual response was to react as quickly as possible to rid myself of what was causing the pain. therefore, i, technically, frisbied the tray across to the cutting board table. the tray landed on the table and the french fries literally at breakneck speed slid off the super hot tray and flew across the floor until the kitchen wall stopped them. now i was in pain and probably made a screaming sound followed by many expletives, which brought my s/o into the kitchen rather quickly to find out what had happened. i stood there and looked at all the french fries spread out on the floor and started to laugh through my pain. i asked if she felt the floor was clean enough to rescue the fries so that i would be able to eat them. (there is always the five second rule). she did manage to collect them all off of the floor and shook her head in the negative. i looked at the fries. they were rather disgusting. so i agreed. they weren’t going to go well with my cheeseburger. while i placed my thumb under cold running water, my s/o placed more fries on the now cooled off tray and baked me more fries for my dinner. while the fries cooked that is when i felt i needed more than cold water, so i placed an ice cube on my thumb, which actually stuck to it like that little boy’s tongue did to the metal pole in “the chistmas story.”

so, the moral to the story is that pain can make people laugh. it does it all the time in comedies on film or tv. what causes the transformation? the same experience in a comedy that makes one laugh is totally turned around in a drama where it might actually have the effect of making you cry. then there is the comedy that is so hilarious that it makes you laugh so hysterically that it brings tears to your eyes and then makes you both cry and laugh at the same time over the same thing. where is the switch that turns things around like that?

while i wrote down the story of the french fries, i started to laugh the more i remembered what happened. and i was the one who was in pain. what is that about? why does it make me laugh after the fact? i know something that could never possibly be funny and that is 9/11 and the world trade center towers collapsing. yet, when the emmy’s were held that year, shortly following that horrible day, ellen degeneres actually made people laugh using a joke that was indirectly related to 9/11. at 6:04 minutes into the video, that is the joke i am referring to but the whole video is quite funny. it starts out briefly with ellen saying goodnight then opens with a statement by walter cronkite. then there’s ellen. just go with it. she is as funny and brilliant as ever.

ellen degeneres as host of the emmy’s in 2001

i will continue my pursuit to find the answers to what is bipolar depression and why the pain and suicidal thoughts or attempts or the completion to a successful suicide. the correlation has to have a deeper meaning. this will take time to work out. i am hopeful that i will find some answers but my mind needs time to collect research information and then to analyze it. i have one book now that will begin helping to open the doors wider and another book that i am waiting for it to become available. i am also searching online for videos on the topic of pain and depression, specifically bipolar depression. i will post more on this subject as the theories emerge from my brain or inspiration strikes me. so enjoy the video of ellen at the emmy awards doing her opening monologue. it will make you laugh but it also may bring back memories of that day of 9/11.

Research Explores the Positives of Bipolar Disorder

Research Explores the Positives of Bipolar Disorder

found in Science News:… from universities, journals, and other research organizations

ScienceDaily (May 3, 2012) — The problems of living with bipolar have been well documented, but a new study by Lancaster University has captured the views of those who also report highly-valued, positive experiences of living with the condition.

Researchers at Lancaster’s Spectrum Centre, which is dedicated to the study of bipolar disorder, interviewed and recorded their views of ten people with a bipolar diagnosis, aged between 24 and 57. Participants in the study reported a number of perceived benefits to the condition ranging from to sharper senses to increased productivity.

The research was designed to explore growing evidence that some people with bipolar value their experiences and in some cases would prefer not to be without the condition.

Participants described a wide range of experiences and internal states that they believed they felt to a far greater intensity than those without the condition. These included increased perceptual sensitivity, creativity, focus and clarity of thought.

Some held (or had previously held) high functioning professional jobs or had been studying for higher level qualifications. They described in detail how they experienced times when tasks that are usually quite difficult or time consuming, would feel incredibly easy and the ability to achieve at a high level during these times was clearly immensely rewarding.

Others expressed the view that they felt ‘lucky’ or even ‘blessed’ to have the condition.

Alan, (not his real name) one of the interviewees, said: “It’s almost as if it opens up something in the brain that isn’t otherwise there, and I see colour much more vividly than I used to……So I think that my access to music and art are something for which I’m grateful to bipolar for enhancing. It’s almost as if it’s a magnifying glass that sits between that and myself.”

Researchers even found some people with bipolar reaped positive experiences from their lows such as greater empathy with the suffering of others.

Dr Fiona Lobban, who led the study, said: “Bipolar Disorder is generally seen as a severe and enduring mental illness with serious negative consequences for the people with this diagnosis and their friends and family. For some people this is very much the case. Research shows that long term unemployment rates are high, relationships are marred by high levels of burden on family and friends and quality of life is often poor. High rates of drug and alcohol misuse are reported for people with this diagnosis and suicide rates are twenty times that of the general population.

“However, despite all these factors researchers and clinicians are aware that some aspects of bipolar experiences are also highly valued by some people. We wanted to find out what these positive experiences were.

“People were very keen to take part in this study and express views which some felt had to be hidden from the medical profession.

“It is really important that we learn more about the positives of bipolar as focusing only on negative aspects paints a very biased picture that perpetuates the view of bipolar as a wholly negative experience. If we fail to explore the positives of bipolar we also fail to understand the ambivalence of some people towards treatment.”

Rita Long from Stockport was not part of the study but can identify with its findings. She was 40 when she was diagnosed with the condition but from her school days she was aware that she experienced the world differently to her twin sister.

“We were making Christmas cakes at school and I was so interested and excited by it and my sister says she remembers watching me and thinking, ‘I really wish I could get that excited about making a Christmas cake’. I noticed things, experienced them with a different level of intensity, we’d be on a walk and I’d be saying look at the colour of this, and my sister would be saying, ‘It’s just a berry’. Socially too, people with bipolar can be quite quick witted, humorous. Until much later in life I just presumed those things were part of my personality.

“I don’t want to underestimate how difficult the bad times can be that some people go through with bipolar but at the same time I feel very passionate about the positives. If we are going to move on as a society — in academia, in business, in entertainment — we need people who will push boundaries. People with bipolar can do that.”

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Story Source:
The above story is reprinted from materials provided by Lancaster University, via AlphaGalileo.

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Journal Reference:
1.Fiona Lobban, Katherine Taylor, Craig Murray, Steven Jones. Bipolar Disorder is a two-edged sword: a qualitative study to understand the positive edge. Journal of Affective Disorders, 2012; DOI: 10.1016/j.jad.2012.03.001