Category Archives: survivor

“Here’s Looking At You Kid”

“Here’s Looking At You Kid.”
Film: Casablanca
Starring Humphrey Bogart & Ingrid Bergman
Playing Roles of Rick Blaine & Ilsa Lund
Created by jk the secret keeper
Posted 04.28.13

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Casablanca: Rick Blaine & Ilsa Lund "Here's Looking At You Kid."  1024x768

Casablanca: Rick Blaine & Ilsa Lund “Here’s Looking At You Kid.”

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Rick: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: But, Richard, no, I… I…

Rick: Now, you’ve got to listen to me! You have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we’d both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn’t that true, Louie?

Captain Renault: I’m afraid Major Strasser would insist.

Ilsa: You’re saying this only to make me go.

Rick: I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: But what about us?

Rick: We’ll always have Paris. We didn’t have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.

Rick: And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.

[Ilsa lowers her head and begins to cry]

Rick: Now, now…

[Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet]

Rick: Here’s looking at you kid.

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casablanca 1947 680x1915

casablanca 1947

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casablanca: rick blaine & ilsa lund in paris cafe 680x540

casablanca: rick blaine & ilsa lund in paris cafe 680×540

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casablanca: rick hanging out with sam 1600x1155

casablanca: rick hanging out with sam

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casablanca: ilsa role played by ingrid berman

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FILM REVIEW of CASABLANCA

“Here’s looking at you kid.”

There are so many memorable lines and scenes in the film “Casablanca.”
Casablanca (1942) Directed by Michael Curtiz: Starring Humphrey Bogart as Rick Blaine; Ingrid Bergman as Ilsa Lund; Peter Lorre as Ugarte; Claude Raines as Louie (Head of Police/Rick’s Friend); Paul Henreid as Victor Laszlo; Sydney Greenstreet as Ferrari, proprietor of the night club The Blue Parrot.

Just one of the fifty films a studio would make each year back in the day. Casablanca was just one of those films thrown into that collection. Who knew it would spring forth and become the success that it is. Today, it is considered one of the top romantic films of all time.

Won for Best Picture 1942 Oscar. One of the most universally admired films ever made. On most lists of the greatest films of all times. Even people who don’t like old films or black and white films love Casablanca. Roger Ebert said he doesn’t think he’s heard of any negative reviews of this film ever. All the characters are all good except the Nazis. Vichy are the French who collaborate with the Nazis.

Rick’s Cafe Americain in Casablanca in French Morocco, where everyone went for entertainment or to hang out for a drink or to go to the back room where there is gambling going on. Here, in Casablanca, some may obtain exit visas but others may wait and wait and wait. At the beginning of the film, you find out that some couriers were killed in the desert and robbed of exit visas. Officials wanting to see a man’s papers, causes the man to freak out, his papers are not in order, so he runs and is shot and killed because he didn’t halt when ordered to. Life is meaningless.

When Louie, the head of the police, is asked by Major Strasser, what is being done about the murder of the couriers, his answer is: “We’ve rounded up the usual suspects.” No one likes Nazis and the head of the Nazis in this movie doesn’t make them any more popular and maybe makes them even less popular. The Marseillaise is the present day French National Anthem. Remember that when you watch Casablanca.

Ugarte shows up and talks to Rick. Wants to have a drink with Rick but as a rule he doesn’t drink with any of the guests of his night club. Ugarte likes to brag to Rick. He just is looking for Rick’s approval but knows that Rick despises him but he is the only person that Ugarte trusts. Rick does finally seem impressed with him. You’ll have to watch the movie to find out why.

Ferrari wants Rick’s place. He is always trying to buy it. It’s the best place in town. Sasha hangs out there and is sort of Rick’s girl friend and is a bit of an alcoholic. It’s understandable she wants to drink the times are during the 2nd World War and it is making everyone edgy and the French are being ruled by the Germans.

Louie and Rick get involved in a conversation and Louie asks why Rick came to such a God Forsaken place like Casablanca. Rick’s a smart ass and says: “It’s for the water.” But, of course, it is a desert. Rick’s is permitted to stay open because he just doesn’t want to get involved. But he has in his hands something that a lot of people are looking for but no one has any idea what that is. Louie tells Rick there is a famous patriot of the war headed for Casablanca. A member of the Gestapo, Major Strasser, is expected at the club. He is a thoroughly disagreeable Nazis but then what Nazi isn’t. That I may say often.

A major happening occurs at Rick’s but he reassures everyone to settle down and get back into enjoying themselves. Rick actually sits down with the Nazis. The Nazis make mention about invading New York. Rick warns them about staying away from certain sections of New York. They may not be safe. They start in talking about Victor Lazslo being on his way. Rick assuring them that he doesn’t plan on getting involved.

Victor Laszlo and Ilsa Lund eventually show up as expected and walk through the cafe and take a seat in the night club. Expect that many will be approaching Victor fairly often because of his importance and how nervous they make the Nazis. Ilsa starts asking about the piano player and who owns the Night Club. Louie tells her it is a man named Rick. Major Strasser is introduced and acts like the ass that he is. Starts applying his power over Laszlo.

It is evident that Ilsa and Victor are close but at this time we know nothing of their relationship other then they are traveling together. Victor leaves her at table to meet a man at the bar and finds out about Ugarte.

Ilsa wants to speak to the piano player. His name is Sam and she asks him to play some of the old songs. There is a sadness between Sam regarding Rick. She wants him to play a the song “As Time Goes By.” Sam sings the song for her. Out comes Rick telling Sam he’s not suppose to play that song. Rick sees Ilsa sitting at her table. The last time Rick saw Ilsa was in Paris when the Germans marched in to take over the city. He was unnerved seeing her again. He was so not himself that he actually had a drink with all at the table breaking his precedent of not drinking with guests of the night club The Americain.

Later back in his rooms, Rick has a bottle, and tells Sam he is not planning on going to bed. He thinks Ilsa is going to show up. Sam isn’t going to leave his boss alone. He starts getting maudlin. “Of all the gin joints in all the world, she walks into mine.” He wants Sam to play “As Time Goes By.” Sam doesn’t want to open the wounds.

Flashback: Paris with Rick and Ilsa driving around in a convertible. then down by the Seine. In the hotel drinking champagne. “Who are you really and what were you before and what did you think?” Ricks asks. Ilsa’s response: “We said no questions.” All the best lines in these scenes. So many to write down and remember. She reveals an answer without the question. Watch the movie to find out what she told Rick.

Outside, newspapers are being passed around. The Germans are coming I believe are the headlines and what they are saying in French over the microphones. There is a lot of action going on out in the streets.

The most famous line is spoken by Rick toasting champagne with Sam and Ilsa: “Here’s looking at you kid.” Everything is falling apart. “Where were you ten years ago?” Rick said he was looking for a job. For some reason there is a price on Rick’s head but no one knows why. It’s time for everyone to leave Paris. Their suppose to meet at the train station from where they will be leaving. Ilsa loves him so much and the war, she hates that in just the opposite emotion. She thinks that they will be taken apart. “Kiss me as if it is the last time.”

It’s raining at the train station. With three minutes until last train leaves. No Ilsa but Sam and Rick are waiting. There is a note from the Hotel. Fade Out Paris Train Station as you watch the rain wash the ink off of the note in Rick’s hand.

Fade In: Rick’s Rooms enter Ilsa. She wants to talk to him, to tell him a story. It’s about a girl who meets a man, a very courageous man. She looked up to him. She thought it was love. Who did she leave him for? Laszlo or others in between?

Victor and Ilsa meet Strasser at Police station. Strasser guarantees Laszlo will never receive an exit visa. His only way to leave is to be a traitor to his people. Do you really think he is the type of man to be a traitor. Nazis have no sense of integrity so they do not understand an enigma like Victor Laszlo. An important person to their leaving has been reported to be dead.

Rick visits The Blue Parrot and talks with Ferrari, who wants the letters of transit. He tells Rick he thinks he knows where the letters are. Rick purposely left his club so the police would have a chance to ransack it. Louie’s men were impressively destructive at Rick’s Place in order to win points with Major Strasser. Louie blows with the wind. He is with the Vichy. The Vichy being the French who go along and reluctantly support the French. The French who are loyal to their own country feel betrayed by the Vichy.

A young woman comes to Rick to plead for some help. She will have to sleep with Louie if her husband doesn’t win enough money so they can afford a visa. If they use only the money they have there would be nothing left. Louise fully expects her to have sex with him if the money isn’t won. Louie sees that the young woman and Rick are being obvious about conspiring. They are all in the backroom where the gambling goes on. Louie is an odd duck. Louie accuses Rick of being a rank sentimentalist.

Victor has a visit with Rick. The Underground tell Victor all sorts of very impressive things about activities that Rick was involved in during the war.

In Rick’s Cafe, the Nazis are singing about the Fatherland. It is so despicable to the French in the club that they have a singing competition. Guess who wins. Strasser is not very satisfied. He tells Louie to find an excuse to close Rick’s. He tells Rick the reason is because he is shocked that gambling is going on in his club.

Strasser just keeps getting creepier. Threatens Ilsa.

Later Ilsa and Victor speak about the letters of transit and what Rick said about asking his wife why he won’t give up the letters.

Ilsa goes to Rick’s rooms and tries to get letters from him. She wants to tell him what really happened in Paris. The feelings between them, have they been buried or are they gone? The truth comes out. She had no hope that Victor was alive when she was in Paris with Rick.

Victor and Rick talk. They are not that far apart in what they believe.

Louie and Rick talk about letters. Louie doesn’t like Strasser.

Approaching the final few scenes of the film. Cafe Americain is still closed by order of the Prefect of Police. Ferrari has taken over the Cafe. Louie thinks he is at Cafe to arrest Laszlo but Rick surprises him and makes him call the airport to tell them that there is to be no trouble about two letters of transit. Everything is building up to the excitement of what is all going to culminate in some of the biggest surprises yet in the film.

Best closing scenes in any movie and best closing lines. Memorable til the final line.

For the rest of the film and to fill in all the spaces that I have left out, you will need to find a copy of this film on DVD or streaming from online or whatever source you are able to find to watch the whole thing and to see how it ends. It is a thoroughly amazing film to watch. It seems the perfect film in detail, dialogue, scenes, settings, storyline, acting and durability. It has all the perfect elements and the best acting. Filled with sentiment and sacrifice. I first saw this film when I was in my 20s. It was such a surprise that I did not see it when I was a kid. It is understandable for older children and a fascinating film for all adults.

The following videos do have SPOILERS so watch them if you have seen the film already or if you don’t mind seeing scenes before seeing the film. I am sure a great many of you have watched this film. But if you haven’t, it should be on everyone’s’ film list as a must see. The sheer acting alone and the love story and the screenplay is brilliant. The cast is to die for. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman play the leads. They are two of the finest actors of all times. Worthy of anyone’s time to find out how great they are in Casablanca. No one had any idea what a remarkable film this was going to turn out to be. The special benefit if this film is you get to hate the Nazis and you get to curse them out without impunity. It has the most classic lines of almost any film ever made. Enjoy the videos and seriously consider locating this film if you haven’t seen it and find it so you can watch it again. “Here’s Looking At You Kid.” jk the SK

Tribute To Casablanca
Filled With Spoilers

Casablanca La Marseillaise

All About the Film “Casablanca”

The relationship between Rick and Ilsa was filled with Desire. I am going to write a poem about Desire in my new form of Haiku. I refer to it as X-treme Haiku. I use an altered form of Haiku with the onji (lines) in the 5 – 7 – 7. I do as few or as many verses as I feel will tell the story that I am writing. Sometimes the story will more often be a touch abstract and other times it may be a philosophical exploration, or a story that may have the appearance of something that may b close in resemblance to a fable. With X-treme Haiku I want to allow myself the freedom to write about what I want but to also include restriction which will encourage restraint on my part so that I will write more concisely with the use of fewer words that will contain an understanding and a discipline toward accuracy. I have been using this style of X-treme Haiku for a short while now and find it makes me more disciplined. It involves research and a greater understanding of the words I use. Being precise about definitions of the language I am using. There is a cleanness to the design. The other rules are for myself and they include the use of words. I do not or try not to repeat a word within the same verse or if possible within the same poem unless absolutely necessary. I like mystery in my poems so I do have the tendency to be a touch cryptic and/or abstract. I like analyzing what it is I am writing about. I am honest about whatever it is I have chosen to write about. I believe in going into the depths of what I mean in what I write. Truth is essential. Directness is essential. Abstraction is often essential. I believe in creating a puzzle that must be deciphered. I do not often hand out the simplicity of a matter. A specific reason for that is when I am writing I am also trying to interpret and examine in depth what subject is I am writing on and usually for the purpose of trying to understand what is within or what it is about that I am writing. Now to the poem.

x-treme haiku: "desire" by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013  823x6441

x-treme haiku: “desire” by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

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Play It, Sam — As Time Goes By

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QUOTATIONS on FILM & DESIRE:

FILM:

“The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.” ― Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

“It starts so young, and I’m angry about that. The garbage we’re taught. About love, about what’s “romantic.” Look at so many of the so-called romantic figures in books and movies. Do we ever stop and think how many of them would cause serious and drastic unhappiness after The End? Why are sick and dangerous personality types so often shown a passionate and tragic and something to be longed for when those are the very ones you should run for your life from? Think about it. Heathcliff. Romeo. Don Juan. Jay Gatsby. Rochester. Mr. Darcy. From the rigid control freak in The Sound of Music to all the bad boys some woman goes running to the airport to catch in the last minute of every romantic comedy. She should let him leave. Your time is so valuable, and look at these guys–depressive and moody and violent and immature and self-centered. And what about the big daddy of them all, Prince Charming? What was his secret life? We dont know anything about him, other then he looks good and comes to the rescue.” ― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

“Only the gentle are ever really strong.” ― James Dean

“Certain things leave you in your life and certain things stay with you. And that’s why we’re all interested in movies- those ones that make you feel, you still think about. Because it gave you such an emotional response, it’s actually part of your emotional make-up, in a way.” ― Tim Burton, Burton on Burton

“Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.” I been sayin’ that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. .45 here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd. — he became the shepherd instead of the vengeance.” ― Quentin Tarantino

“A good movie can take you out of your dull funk and the hopelessness that so often goes with slipping into a theatre; a good movie can make you feel alive again, in contact, not just lost in another city. Good movies make you care, make you believe in possibilities again. If somewhere in the Hollywood-entertainment world someone has managed to break through with something that speaks to you, then it isn’t all corruption. The movie doesn’t have to be great; it can be stupid and empty and you can still have the joy of a good performance, or the joy in just a good line. An actor’s scowl, a small subversive gesture, a dirty remark that someone tosses off with a mock-innocent face, and the world makes a little bit of sense. Sitting there alone or painfully alone because those with you do not react as you do, you know there must be others perhaps in this very theatre or in this city, surely in other theatres in other cities, now, in the past or future, who react as you do. And because movies are the most total and encompassing art form we have, these reactions can seem the most personal and, maybe the most important, imaginable. The romance of movies is not just in those stories and those people on the screen but in the adolescent dream of meeting others who feel as you do about what you’ve seen. You do meet them, of course, and you know each other at once because you talk less about good movies than about what you love in bad movies.” ― Pauline Kael, For Keeps: 30 Years at the Movies

“Books and movies, they are not mere entertainment. They sustain me and help me cope with my real life.” ― Arlaina Tibensky

DESIRE:

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ― Epicurus

“Things are sweeter when they’re lost. I know–because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.” ― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

“She leaned forward and caught at his hand, pressing it between her own. The touch was like white fire through his veins. He could not feel her skin only the cloth of her gloves, and yet it did not matter. You kindled me, heap of ashes that I am, into fire. He had wondered once why love was always phrased in terms of burning. The conflagration in his own veins, now, gave the answer.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

“Desiring another person is perhaps the most risky endeavor of all. As soon as you want somebody—really want him—it is as though you have taken a surgical needle and sutured your happiness to the skin of that person, so that any separation will now cause a lacerating injury.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

“I desire to be with you. I miss you. I feel lonely when I can’t see you. I am obsessed with you, fascinated by you, infatuated with you. I hunger for your taste, your smell, the feel of your soul touching mine.” ― Jack Llawayllynn, Indulgence

“Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone.” ― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes
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Dark Night of the Soul

Dark Night of the Soul
By Jennifer Kiley
Inspired By Reading
Abstract Digital Art j. kiley
Written 04.18.14

kindness covers all by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley

dark night of the soul --- abstract digital art

dark night of the soul — abstract digital art

Dark Night of the Soul
By Jennifer Kiley
Inspired By Reading
Written 04.18.14

Those of you who have heard of the dark night of the soul know the kind of pain and confusion it can bring. It used to be used to describe a spiritual crisis. Now it describes a psychological darkness. Here is a description of a major symptom to describe what it is: to feel one no longer has a grasp or sense of the realness of the ground beneath one’s feet. It doesn’t feel solid, nor does it feel like it has a strong basis in reality.

Something in one’s present day happens and causes it to trigger thoughts from the unconscious that draws the dark night into “the light.” Carl Jung thought the psyche was causing this to happen. That the symbols or images or flashes that were coming from the unconscious were being brought to the surface in order to help an individual grow. A direct form of Enlightenment would occur which is when the unconscious becomes conscious. The dark night, though appearing to be a negative force is actually aiding in this occurrence.

“Creative suffering burns clean; neurotic suffering creates more soot.” The Jungian analyst Marion Woodman wrote this. Her meaning is that repeating pain in a non-productive way does not create one’s healing or move one forward. One needs to go deep within the source of the center to that power where the emotions are hiding and/ or existing. Doing this should bring to one a self-understanding and with a great deal of work, it should lead eventually to liberation of the self. But one needs to first do the difficult work of fighting with one’s demons and angels. They will bring with them the healing that one will be needing. It’s a difficult fight and it is a spiritual and psychological fight. When one is looking for one’s spiritual reality, it is a necessary fight to find one’s meaning.

Dark nights are meant to happen in order to tear apart the ways in which we deal with reality and our own growing. We must be forced to let go of our illusions and/or our delusions that have been controlling our thinking, our way of behaving and how we are able to express our feelings. This is essential in order to regain control of our self and the way that we behave in our life.

It enables us to find our real self and release our great need for control. The most difficult part is our needing to tear down how we learned to deal when we were children. We need to release all of the built up anxiety and our sense of overwhelming vulnerability that kept us from functioning then and keeps us from functioning now. We must always remain connected to our self while we construct our new way of being in our new lives, where we are going to be more real. And most importantly we must give up the need to always be in control. That is an important one. The bonus that comes with doing all of this is that we will be getting into an upgrade of an automatic elevator to a higher level of consciousness.

So you see, sometimes we have to enter into hell to find our way out of it. And gradually we will lose the negative aspects of our lives and find in their place courage, strength and self-love. And most importantly finding freedom and get on into growing. We will start feeling a more secure sense of well-being that will keep expanding. This may feel like just words and a dream but it can happen.

When one’s life begins in such a dark atmosphere and one is alone in that darkness, all that is felt is fear and dread, so what is left to remember is shaped into a memory overflowing with fear.

It’s time to let that fear and that past go and to reawaken the child who is buried deep inside, who wants her freedom to begin to live again, to cry again, to laugh again, to stop feeling overwhelmed by the positive feelings of life like love, caring, joy, belonging and more, to allow her to have healthy relationships that are not messed up with demons of the past filling her mind with senseless fears of abandonment, punishment and abuse. It really is time to let all of it go and just leave it back there in the past, in that time which should no longer exist now.

© jennifer kiley 2013

Darkness — Disturbed

QUOTATIONS on DARKNESS/DARK NIGHT:

“If we never experience the chill of a dark winter, it is very unlikely that we will ever cherish the warmth of a bright summer’s day. Nothing stimulates our appetite for the simple joys of life more than the starvation caused by sadness or desperation. In order to complete our amazing life journey successfully, it is vital that we turn each and every dark tear into a pearl of wisdom, and find the blessing in every curse.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.” ― Terry Pratchett

“Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness.” ― Anne Frank

“I do not speak as I think, I do not think as I should, and so it all goes on in helpless darkness.” ― Franz Kafka

“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.” ― Patrick Overton

“We cast a shadow on something wherever we stand, and it is no good moving from place to place to save things; because the shadow always follows. Choose a place where you won’t do harm – yes, choose a place where you won’t do very much harm, and stand in it for all you are worth, facing the sunshine.” ― E.M. Forster, A Room with a View

“Darkness does not leave us easily as we would hope.” ― Margaret Stohl

Letters of Import: A Look Inside 5

Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
A Look Inside 5
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrations by j. kiley
© jennifer kiley 2013
First Posting 03.19.13
Posted Weekly Early Tuesday Morning
Fifth Posting 04.16.13silver divider between paragraphsanyone living or dead is purely coincidentalsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphsletters-to-import a look inside 5Tuesday, October 29th 2007

Dear Annie,

In my letter this week, I want to open your eyes a bit wider on all of the people you are getting to observe in the women’s therapy group. My intentions are to do my own analysis for you of who I feel and think the people in this group and it’s fearless leader really are. Strictly from my point of view. I have a really good sense of people. A sensitivity that enables me to psychically feel what is going on inside of anyone I am in contact with in a close proximity. Sometimes I am too hypersensitive and pick up too much of what is coming off of people I am around. It is not a gift but an annoyance and makes me feel really anxious and agitated. There is no way to block out the bad from the good. I get all the emotions blasting at me all at once. It is extremely overwhelming and disconcerting especially when there are too many people all in extreme states of disturbance.

I should really start with the person you seem to be getting closest to first, Robin. She is someone who is difficult to get to know. My sense is her barriers are extremely high up. She doesn’t really like people , yet she gives the appearance of wanting someone in her life. Maybe more than one person but she can be quite negative about everyone who shows her any interest in wanting to get to know her. I get close to her but if I am truly honest, whenever we talk, I always feel so hyper afterwards and I often find myself shaking. She brings up too much information. Triggers too many memories in me. I’m not sure if we have very good boundaries in our relationship. She can be extremely critical of everyone I know, especially Mr. Xxx. She is right about him but it does under-mind that relationship just the same. I go along with the lambasting of his character and his flaws as a therapist.

We do have some similar issues we are coping or not coping so well with. It is not my place to go into her problem but I will talk to you freely about mine. I am open about my past. What I remember of it. It was severe and it was traumatizing. I lived the life of someone who exhibited the symptoms of autism. I didn’t speak or relate to anyone. I never talked. My introversion was extreme. Relating to other people, especially my family, was totally impossible for me. I was much older when I put that diagnosis together. It was wrong but I needed to have answers. I am part cat and extremely curious. When I first got high on pot I needed to analyze what exactly was the reaction I was experiencing. I wanted to understand what it was doing. A true scientist. I missed my calling.

Never developed the full picture on marijuana except that I loved getting high and it made everything enjoyable except the creeping paranoia. Otherwise, music, talking, writing, anything I did was on such a higher level of enjoyment when I was stoned. It opened up my shell of silence. The only other drug I felt the same way about was mescalin. Read the whole Bhagava-Gita in one session tripping on that stuff. Even went on a visit to McDonald’s on the same trip and came to the aid of a damsel in distress from a rather grumpy employee. I told him to show a bit more respect for people. That was cool and unusual behavior for me. It felt good to stand up for someone who was having the experience of being bullied.

It was just a year prior to my great discovery. I finally figured out or should I say came to an acceptance and acknowledgement of my true sexuality while I was attending college. I realized I was a lesbian and I was already living with the woman who became my first lesbian lover. We took forever to realize we didn’t need men to be sexual. She felt we did and when she said. “I would love to be sexual but we don’t have any men.” My rather stoned and wine laden mind responded rather boldly by saying without thinking at all, the following words were uttered from my mouth, “But we don’t need any men.” We had each other and some strong feelings of attraction and love for each other. We played around with our physical feelings all summer by playing tactile games, for example, lightly touching the bottom of each others feet. If you are ticklish, just get past it, because I will tell you it is one of the most erotically, sensual experience ever without actually having to be direct about your sexual behavior

I think I drifted a bit away from the topic. Warning: don’t trust Robin. I like you and I don’t want her to hurt you. She has a way of cutting into you behind your back. We may be friends but I am not sure why that relationship works. She does bring out the worst in me. It makes me critical but not in a constructive way. To criticize with truth is one thing but to assassinate a character is unkind and mean and cruel. That is what it is. She can be cruel.

I will tell you more later as we get closer. Now I feel I have said enough and need a break. I will go deeper as our relationship develops and I feel our trust growing. I am observant and I am willing to share my secrets with you within reason for now. I somehow think we are going to go deeper into a good relationship. My feelings for you resonate at nothing less than extremely positive. So I will close now.

More to come later. You can be sure of that. This is proving to be quite cathartic for me. I may never send these to you, so what I am writing is more to me like a journal than a confessional or a revelation for you to learn about this crazy group of people of which you have been thrown into the middle. We do all have some extremely good qualities and some not so kind natures. Maybe that is what is to be expected from such a group of damaged individuals.

I will follow up that statement of “a group of damaged individuals,” by saying we had the bad fortune of being situated with families who had no understanding of us and treated us in any manner of abuse that could ever cross your mind and then go even further and you may never come to the end of what may have been done to us in the name of abusive child rearing and abuse of every nature possible. What it did to our psyches has yet to be completely determined.

I am stopping now. It is beginning to feel that I am stepping beyond the bounds I feel comfortable. So to another time and for another letter. I stop right here.

Regards,
Madisonsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphs(This note is to ensure these are written in the strictest of confidence.)

To Annie,

At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, then I am freeing myself up to write whatever I wish without need of censorship. Maybe someday, when I am feeling more familiar with just who you are and what you might mean to me, this parameter will be altered and a copy of this and future letters will be relayed to you. For now I want to maintain secrecy, to protect you, Annie, and to protect myself from over testing the barriers or boundaries of what the potentials could be between us and the development of our relationship.

I am adding this in order that you, Annie Haskell, will know that I am trying to protect you and also myself from any humiliation. It will free up my words as I speak them upon the page. And on some future date, if I feel trusting enough, I will release to you what I write in honesty, but for now I will keep my words confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages, I promise you that.

Regards,
Madison Taylorsilver divider between paragraphsletters-divider for sections of books-heart echosilver divider between paragraphs

silver divider between paragraphsQUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan Poesilver divider between paragraphs

Haiku “protect”

Haiku “protect”
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Happy Birthday “I Miss You T…”
Abstract Digital Art by j. kiley
Created 03.14.13
Posted 03.15.13

not always blood by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

haiku protect

fibonacci gone natural by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

fibonacci gone natural by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Philip Glass — Movement II

QUOTATIONS for PROTECT & NON-BLOOD FAMILY:

“…sometimes we enter art to hide within it. It is where we can go to save ourselves, where a third-person voice protects us.” ― Michael Ondaatje, Divisadero

Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs, the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what. So be thankful for what you have. Don’t wait until its too late to tell someone how much you love them and how much you care about them, because when they’re gone, no matter how loud you shout and cry, they wont hear you anymore. — unknowm

“Miss Morstan and I stood together, and her hand was in mine. A wondrous subtle thing is love, for here were we two, who had never seen each other until that day, between whom no word or even look of affection had ever passed, and yet now in an hour of trouble our hands instinctively sought for each other. I have marveled at it since, but at the time it seemed the most natural thing that I would go out to her so, and, as she has often told me, there was in her also the instinct to turn to me for comfort and protection. So we stood hand in hand like two children, and there was peace in our hearts for all the dark things that surrounded us.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories, Volume I

Family isn’t just about whose blood runs through your veins. It’s about who never left your side, stood up for you and believed in you.
– Andrian Body

“Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn’t realize that love as powerful as your mother’s for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign . . . to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. It is in your very skin. Quirrell, full of hatred, greed, and ambition, sharing his soul with Voldemort, could not touch you for this reason. It was agony to touch a person marked by something so good.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. — Richard Bach

“More often than not, what animals require our protection from is not hurricanes or fires, but abuse at the hands of other people”.”
― Julie Klam, Love at First Bark: How Saving a Dog Can Sometimes Help You Save Yourself

“When the one you deeply love hurts you, it forever changes the way you deal with anyone that attempts to get close to you.” — unknown

“When you find something that feels right, feels good and feels desperately important, once you believe in something, you push it forward everyday, in some way. You give all you’ve got, to drag it and drive it forward! You do this because you can’t stomach the idea of living your life without seeing your vision materialize. Surely this is what it is to have a dream and to have a dream come true…
Once you find something that makes you feel this way, you’ve found your calling, I believe. To live all of your days without honoring this ‘purpose’ is to live unnoticed, unchallenged, un-celebrated, immemorable, but most importantly, it is to leave this life no better than you found it. It must be, ultimately, to die as though you never lived at all…” ― Evette Carter

“You’re the thought in my dreams. You’re the vision in my eyes. You’re the sound in my ears. You’re the words in my mouth. You’re everything I need. You’re everything I want. You’re everything that makes me, me.” — unknown

“In moments of great uncertainty on my travels, I have always felt that something is protecting me, that I will come to no harm.”
― Tahir Shah, In Search of King Solomon’s Mines (knock on wood — i’m extremely superstitious–jk)

“Family is not always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs, the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what.” — unknown

“Segregation has it all wrong. We should be protected from the people who will leave us in the end, from all the people who will disappear or forget us.” ― Lauren Oliver, Delirium

5 Persistent Myths About Bipolar Disorder

5 Persistent Myths About Bipolar Disorder
By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor
Published in PsychCentral
Edited by the secret keeper

Bipolar disorder is a serious and difficult illness that affects all facets of a person’s life: their education, work, relationships, health and finances. (Read Julie A. Fast: author of several bestselling books on bipolar disorder, including Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder.

Fast was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder II at 31 years old in 1995, a time when very little was discussed regarding the diagnosis. Since that time, knowledge and media coverage of bipolar disorder have improved dramatically. “I’m astonished at how much more people know about the illness.”

TV shows are featuring more accurate portrayals of bipolar disorder. “In the past, people with bipolar disorder were practically frothing at the mouth.” Today, writers and producers make it a point to get it right. Recently, Fast served as one of the advisors on the hit Showtime series “Homeland” and talked with Claire Danes about her character’s bipolar disorder.

While information has gotten much better, many misconceptions still exist and endure.

Five Persistent Myths About Bipolar Disorder

1. Myth: Bipolar disorder and depression are completely different diagnoses.

Fact: Bipolar disorder and depression — also known as unipolar depression — are not completely different illnesses. In fact, this is one of the most misunderstood ideas about bipolar disorder. (Psychiatrists are to blame for the misconception.)

Patients who believe this myth may oppose the diagnosis “if they don’t have the full-blown ‘manic-depressive’ picture and also resist taking “bipolar” medications like lithium.” Read Dr. Mondimore, author of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families.

It’s more accurate to think of bipolar disorder and depression as “probably represent[ing] two ends of a spectrum of illnesses…The designation ‘bipolar II’ has helped crack this a bit, but this is why the term ‘bipolar spectrum disorder’ continues to gain ground.”

2. Myth: People with bipolar disorder experience dramatic mood swings followed by complete remission of symptoms.

Fact: Some people with bipolar disorder experience this pattern. However, “Many patients have periods of residual symptoms and less severe but still significant mood fluctuations between episodes of more severe symptoms.” This is especially common if people don’t engage in healthy habits to manage the illness.

3. Myth: Medication is the only treatment for bipolar disorder.

Fact: Medication is an important part of managing bipolar disorder. But it’s not the only answer. Viewing medication as your only treatment option “can lead to fruitless reaches for the ‘right’ medication.” And it can lead you to avoid making valuable lifestyle changes and seeking therapy.

As Fast writes on her website, “Medications take care of half of the illness, the other half is management.”

Stressed is the importance of leading a healthy lifestyle, including avoiding alcohol and drugs, cultivating good sleep habits, exercising and effectively coping with stress.

Medication and alternative therapies can be part of the treatment plan. Still be cautious against thinking “that we can exercise, diet, meditate, walk and rethink our way out of this illness.” (In fact, this is another big myth that persists.)

Think of bipolar disorder like any other long-term illness, such as diabetes and high blood pressure. It requires commitment and comprehensive management.

4. Myth: After having a severe episode, people with bipolar disorder should be able to bounce back.

Fact: If a person with bipolar disorder experiences a severe episode — one that requires hospitalization, for instance — there’s an expectation that afterward they’ll be able to get back to their work and life. However, equate this scenario to people who’ve been in a car crash. You wouldn’t expect someone with broken bones simply to get up and start sprinting.

5. Myth: People with bipolar disorder aren’t trying hard enough.

Fact: People wonder why someone with bipolar disorder just doesn’t try harder. They think that if they exert more effort, they’d have the life they want. They wonder why everyone else who experiences mood swings can cope with them but someone with bipolar disorder can’t.

But this implies that bipolar disorder is a choice. “Would you ever say that to someone with diabetes or pneumonia?”

People just don’t realize how serious bipolar disorder is. Thankfully, though serious, it’s highly treatable. Managing the illness is hard work, and finding the right medication takes time. But “Keep trying. Never give up.”

***I add that I do not personally agree that medication is necessarily the answer for everyone with the bipolar diagnosis. I do not take medication for Bipolar but I do take medication for my health and for my anxiety/panic. I, also, work with the methods found in the books written by Tom Wootten, particularly the book: “Bipolar In Order.”

It takes a long time to learn these methods and have them become effective. The theory is to work toward finding your bliss whether you are in a depressive state and having a difficult time or whether you are in manic state. Finding your state of bliss is working toward blending these levels so there is a more even connection and one learns to exist in all of the levels of your bipolar with an acceptance that all of life is a long continuation of its self and all states are part of the other. You do not “rise above the pain,” instead you are experiencing it fully. But the pain is no longer controlling your reactions. I wish I could get to that state but I feel I am working on it but first I need to learn how to release the pain so that I can feel it.

“The advantage is that we have the ability to experience it more deeply, while having the wisdom to chose how to react…The “cure” for depression is not the removal of all symptoms. The “cure” is to get to the point that the symptoms lose their power over us. …pain is part of the bliss just as much as pleasure, happiness and all other conditions.

From another article I found the following statement, in which I was not aware of before now.

“…People who suffer from an anxiety disorder in addition to bipolar disorder are more likely to have severe symptoms of bipolar, such as suicidal behavior, more manic episodes, and more depressive episodes…”

***Reading this last statement, it helps me to understand certain bipolar reactions that I experience. Lately, I haven’t felt like my bipolar has been that bad but in actuality, I have been losing more and more control over by bipolar. Coming to that realization, I have to thank my partner for pointing that out to me over the past holiday and culminating with her telling me late last night that I am totally out of control. I need to give myself a break. To take things slower. Not feel like I have to do everything all at once or create so many expectations for myself that I forget about sleeping and eating. Also, she feels I am not realizing that I have been depressed and hiding behind the manic episodes. Consuming myself in activities way beyond what anyone should expect themselves to accomplish. So I need to slow down. Talk more to my therapist about how to get things under control. I just need to break down projects into shorter versions at a time and not think I have to do them all at the same time and have them completed all at once.

I must say I rather like the term “bipolar spectrum disorder” because it incorporates all the possible combinations of how Bipolar effects anyone who lives with it. My symptoms are across the whole spectrum and do not fit nicely into any diagnostic package. Compound that with the other parts of my life I am working on healing that are not directly connected to BSD, I would say I live a rather complicated life. Let me tell you I am never bored. Who has time for that. I would also like to thank all the people in my life who have been extremely supportive. They know who they are.

I am sending a May Day signal that I need to slow down but still maintain a pace in my life that allows me to be creative but to do it in a Zen state rather than in a Hypomanic State. Now I know that isn’t going to be easy. And I sure have a lot of work to do to establish this “relatively incomprehensible state” for myself right now. I do find certain of my activities to be quite Zen.

That happens when I am being creative or better said, when I am creating something. Not making lists and lists for what I want to do, but the actual doing the activity of creating a poem or piece of art or drawing or making a collage or what my partner and I named transgraphics, writing anything imaginative or expounding upon a belief or developing a thought while stating facts within an argument in a written debate, working on my screenplays, short stories, or longer fictional writing. Creating is such an essential part of my life that if I were not able to do it I would die inside and want to die on the outside also. That is how important creating and art is to my life and existence.

So, I have Bipolar “Spectrum” Disorder and so many other challenges, that is why I throw myself into so many Challenges on “the secret keeper.” It is a haven I have created where I can live in a world that so many other creative people participate and that I follow and who follow me. It is my Paradise on this planet. A grand place to learn and join with others to expand our minds and have an enlightening experience and a fun place of a multiplicity of expressions and connections.

I felt this needed to be posted. Hopefully, for those who read this, it will give you a better understanding in a small or better way some of what Bipolar is and isn’t. Be kind. We have feelings just like everyone else and we hurt and feel just like everyone else. jk the secret keeper

Famous People with Bipolar

A-Z Famous People with Bipolar

Bipolar People

Famous People with Bipolar

Just a few sample of videos of who have been diagnosed or conjectured to have lived with Bipolar. There are a great many books and videos available for those who are interested in finding out more.

Want To Know Why? #5

Want To Know Why?
By Jennifer Kiley
11.04.12
Month of the Verse-30 days 30 verses #5

black-purple butterflies by lockjavv

Want to know why?
By jennifer kiley
11.04.12

want to know why?
the story does need telling
keeping secrets
the quietist part
of being a silent kid

things happened
always happening
running away
a regular activity
hiding was a trick
not possible enough

sleep had to come
night had to fade
darkness had to fall
rules of bedtime the same
learning how to play the game

lying there waiting
eyes open
mind racing
hearing the fights
tonight’s the night
someone was sure to die

this night for sure
laying there quiet
body tensing
feeling fear building
felt time repeating
always in the night
an abuser walked in
he came to her bedroom
she should have been sleeping
he should be upstairs
but he was in her room
he came there for her

she wasn’t able to speak
saying please “do not touch me”
no-she was silent-pretending
eyes closed-make believe she’s asleep
fear made her disappear
his prisoner from that night on
no protector-no soul
could sense out her pain
silently echoing inside of her brain

overwhelmed with confusion
her mind couldn’t grasp it
the words she should speak
blocked deep in her throat
and so she stayed quiet
the kid never spoke
her voice thought out loud
inside her head the long conversations
that were never said ever out loud

sometimes she could hear them
her thoughts were her own
whispering-they kept whispering
run away far from home
from sounds of them yelling
the brothers complaining
the mother believing
the lies they had told

it mattered very little
the mother was looking
for ways to blame her
for things that went wrong
the off things
the broken things
off balanced things
no difference at all
it wasn’t her fault
I think the mother knew
it wasn’t about blame
it was more about shame
and dominating all the same

making any sense
out of punishment
in her awakening
what was the reason
anyone would do her harm
it didn’t really matter
not then-no one believed her
all the wrongs would come true

her childhood was broken
so when something was wrong
the fault was her claim
it was the way it was to be
always her-in the contradiction
all reversed-upside down
it just meant one thing only
one more word that would stand out
it’s time for her she knew
another punishment go round

not thought out but calculated
carried out with great force
a passionate wild animal frenzy
hatred expressed in the most brutal form
a physical lashing-devices all chosen
with great deliberations and variations

every time this would happen
a cornered animal she became
turned wild and quite maddening
a dangerous panther she was the same
approached by the mad woman
all wild with her lashings
the more vigorous and continuous
the whippings wanting her tame
but you can’t tame a wild thing
no matter how hard you try
she’ll fight you-she’ll scratch you
till it’s both eye to eye

relentlessness-no compassion
no tears-not a sob-or crying
no sound could be heard
emotions were forbidden
even though more wrath came to bare
the punishment upgraded
pain levels increased
clothing was torn off
the whip struck flesh harder
burning welts on the body
blood spread satisfaction
how sadistic the jailer
a needed reward
subduing the victim
with mandatory silence
then punishment will cease
momentarily only
one sound broke that scheme

victim sent off to her bedroom
silence must always remain
or be forcibly maintained
tears and crying into her pillow
made way too much noise
not a sign of submission
the mother made sure
outside her door
mother listened and waited
when sound it was heard
time to enter mother’s baited

as the torturer returned
the back she exposed
her bottom and legs
she laid them bare
to the sight of the whipping
it resumed with no end
except silence would break it
or the pain of the whipping
would just begin again
until silence was settled
at last guaranteed

phase three was the most awful
humiliating completion of all
of this torturous ritual
the victim must fall
she must grovel in the doorway
of the sadist’s closed door
her voice must be
filled with contrition
with pleas for forgiveness
while the door remained closed
it never ever opened
it was part of the game
soundlessness came from inside
the victim crumbled from pain
and humbled humiliation
pleading she was so sorry
calling out her “mom’s” name
always wanting forgiveness
that never ever came

no matter how many times
this ritual was enacted
the door remained closed
the sound never came
the sadist’s coldness was always the same
in that room it was soundless
and froze out the girl
all of her that remained

to be forgiven
to be accepted
to be loved
by the monster
who possessed what wasn’t human
where a mother should have been
with loves unacceptance
and forgiveness denied
the girl went on living
a tortured soul lived inside
and all that she wanted
and asked for in kind
that her mother forgive her
but no forgiveness would come
not then and not ever
not this time
not next time
at no time
it never would come

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

Concrete Angel-Martina McBride

Invisible Aspects of Domestic Abuse by Cher Duncombe

Reblogged from On The Plum Tree:

Click to visit the original post

Invisible Aspects of Domestic Abuse

Having been the victim of domestic violence myself when a child, I invited the wonderful Cher Duncombe to be a Plum Tree Books guest blogger on this difficult subject which will always be of particular importance to me.

A slap, she went down. A kick, she crawled. A scream, he choked her. As she gasped for air, he stared into her eyes until the light dimmed and she fainted.

Read more… 635 more words

There is such a strong silence in abuse that most do not look for it even though some do see or suspect it may be happening. This is a true and courageous story told by a survivor. She was trapped in an invisible hell by an inhumane person. Domestic abuse is something we should be aware of and to have an understanding of what happens on the inside of such a nightmare. J.K. the secret keeper

trying to reach you

trying to reach you
by jennifer kiley
sept. 2nd 2012

Amhein-Elvira In Truth There Is Love

trying to reach you
not sure that it’s possible
now you’ve gone inside
and shut down

what can hurt you
your vulnerable spot
it needs to be closed off
or he might get in

if he makes entry
he will hurt you
in some way
only he knows
how to do

it’s different now
you’ve got protection
we won’t let him near you
he’s been restricted
to under the sea
where he can’t breathe

he is gone now
you don’t have to face him
you won’t see him again
he won’t ever be again

you have us
your mate
your family
your therapist
your friends
we’d do anything
to protect you

can’t physically
take form and
be where you are
but my power
is with you

my spirit is
by your side
she is there
to put a circle
of safety around you

know when
there isn’t
something right
it’s more than leaving
it is feeling lost
your world is fading

but have hope
it will come together again
in a sooner time
than any predictions
can give you

powers will move
to act in your behalf
will ask for all their help
in this matter

it needs resolution
you need satisfaction
a solution where all
pieces fit
together smoothly

love has a power
all its own
many forces work
in love

seeking answers
to such problems
that arise
beyond your control

you need to gain
it back again
otherwise space
will fall away

the world is out
of your control
and has been
for some time now

everything around you
people and family
all have been demanding
you accept their demands

you volunteer to help
but you did not
volunteer to give up
your whole life

it has been taken over
by the thieves of the night
your sleep is corrupted
you have lost control

you need to
take it back
you need to
demand it back

you need everyone
to understand
you can’t let them
demand all their
needs be met
before you can
take care of
your own first

you need to come
first now
it’s time for
you to take care
of you now

your special one
doesn’t count in this
but all else must let you
gain your strength back

you need to tend
just to what you need
and all need to help
you get those needs met

you need
to be loved
without any
demands made

for this love to
be reciprocated
just you know
your needs come first

don’t worry about
what we need
you have already
given more
than enough

you now need
to keep something
for your self
just for you alone

hold tight to
what you have
and give it time
to replenish you

otherwise
you are facing
burn out
loss of control

don’t think
you can
handle that
at all

not now
not in this
lifetime

you need your
power back
it needs to
grow again
inside of you

please let
the spirits
give it
your power
back to you

it will get there
when it does
then you can give
once more

but now
conserve energy
let yourself rest
enjoy the quiet

having thoughts
be your own
and just for
yourself alone

in this tranquility
remember one thing
you are loved
we will be here

when you’re ready
then return
till that time
take good care
for now
time is
your own

that’s what love is for-amy grant

i will lay me down

i will lay me down
by jennifer kiley

jumped the 600

#4 – 2009
by jennifer kiley

that which attracts you
carries you through a euphoria
when possession is allowed freedom
the moment passes and sanity returns
and who would want a life absent of
deep connection and beauty

#5 – 2009

music holds the memories
the story from moments not forgotten
and what of us and now
always becoming the past

following the path toward understanding
guiding all who will listen
to songs of tenderness
kindness and generosity

caring for the souls
lost damaged in need
touched by the goddess
who gives the gift to heal

to the fortunate ones
who listen to the testaments
and with love
shares natures giving power

and healing begins again
and again as the path unwinds

#6 – 2009

abuse ruined sex
confused love
caused a rage
that goes unspoken

#7 – 2009

you ease the words out of me
the thought of you listening
fills me with an insecure love
afraid feelings will scare you

#12 – 2009

the lessons have been harsh
tested on the very young in us
leaving blank the knowledge
we are seeking to find

what are the answers
without the questions
too young to understand
stripped of our innocence
left with nothing
to cover our shame

awakening before growth
before joy could hold us
before celebration was part of us

our consciousness was trashed
buried nightmares remained
no capacity to understand

our realness stolen
causing visions…depression…anxiety
and breakdowns

others have tried to make us see
but all unravels again and again

you are the demon…the rapist
the soul thief
you haunt children…stalk them
watch their childhood
disappear from existence
anger lives in its place
where play should cheer

our insides with balloons
excite us to feel the fantasies
should lighten our dreams

you do not belong in our minds
leading us through the silence
keeping your secrets
like night the shadows

we hear your voice
we feel your poison
in our body
on our body

the silence must be spoken
your threats weakened
your warnings of death
to keep your secrets
you must eat them
choke on them

we are working hard
to rid us from your control
it is strong what you have done
but we have found many
who are spell breakers

we are learning to trust them
with their help we will destroy you
and the destruction you achieved

the healers give us strength
and teach us the ways to feel the love

the nightmares will diminish
the ghostly images will fade
and confidence will rule.

#11 – 2009

love touch
sex touch
confusion
recognizing either
neither is known

#6 – 2009

abuse ruined sex
confused love
caused a rage
that goes unspoken

#33 – 2009

I had a hold on my life
but it broke

these are poems i wrote three years ago. they still fit into today’s reality. there has been some growth and my creative world has been resurrected. finding a way to communicate what travels around inside, releases the demons slowly, but at least they know where they are not welcome. i am growing my life in a different way now. and the encouragement i am receiving is greatly contributing to my ability to heal. learning about love. understanding what it really is can be confusing and scary but it does feel good to know such caring and wonderful people love me. i feel like sally field’s sometimes when she accepted her oscar and she said: “you love me. you really love me.” when i am able to believe, then i can allow myself to feel the love, not just coming to me but inside of me. and i am able to pay the love forward when it is given to me. there is still confusion but i am working toward understanding and acceptance. i will keep learning and growing and giving back from the love that is given to me. i just have to remember not to be afraid of love, especially when it is coming from someone i trust. i know love because of them. jennifer kiley ~the secret keeper~

bridge over troubled water-simon and garfunkel

i remember you grandma emily with love in my heart

i remember you grandma emily with love in my heart
written by the survivors

i read someone’s post just a few moments ago. the person had written a letter to her mother to express just how she felt about her. it was honest and a well deserved mother’s day card and letter. my response is as follows:

happy grandmother’s day emily
i love you always

you are so right in expressing these feelings toward a mother who was horribly abusive. if my mother were still alive my letter to her, if i even wrote one, it would be filled with the same kind of sentiment. i would want to send to her a letter that would force her to face the truth about what she did to me and how it has effected my entire life.

happy grandmother’s day emily
i love you always

she knew while she was alive how i felt and she showed me in her will just what she thought of that by leaving me and my siblings exactly $1.00 a piece from an over $650,000 estate. she said in her will that the lawyer sent to each of us in a certified letter with the $1.00 check enclosed: “that they each know why they are getting this.” a raving bitch to the end. she was every kind of abusive to me. you think of an abuse and she did it. do you remember the film “Sybil” with Joanne Woodward and Sally Fields and also, do you remember the film “Carrie” with Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie? Well, those two mothers combined made up my mother.

happy grandmother’s day emily
i love you always

so i do understand. even the “m” word is something that i have a hard time using or saying out loud. and when she was alive, whenever i would recieve any of her weird snail mail, i would dread opening it. i would take it to my therapist’s office and have her open it. then i wasn’t even sure if i wanted to know what was in it. as i said it was always so f-ing off the wall certifiably weird. she was either trying to convert me or accusing me of making my younger brother crazy or go off on some tangent about my sexual abusers and apologize for my father. She would say he wanted my forgiveness but he didn’t understand what he had done.

happy grandmother’s day emily
i love you always

now that she is dead, she isn’t gone. she haunts me in my dreams on a regular basis. i think she died maybe 5 years ago. i don’t do well with time. so, i hope you get that i am trying to give you support even though i have obviously been triggered into going off on my rant on my own letter “m.” i revised this after i decided it would become a post dedicated to my mother’s day gift to my own mother.

happy grandmother’s day emily
i love you always

if i want to honor mother’s day, i would thank my grandmother emily for loving me so much and being a safe place when i was staying with her. she showed me what love was and she gave me the best hugs and taught me music and how to write. we even created a special alphabet to secretly write to each other so no one could decipher our secret messages. we talked on the phone every day after school. i love her with all my heart.

happy grandmother’s day emily
i love you always

she always protected me from my mother when our family would visit her home for dinner. when it was time to leave i would throw my arms around my grandmother and lock my hands together so that when they tried to pull me away from her, i wouldn’t let go. i told her: “i didn’t want to go back to that bad place. please don’t make me.” i begged really hard and tried holding on. i was never strong enough to hold on tight enough. they always broke my grip and took me back to hell.