Private Writings: Chapter #45/#46 Trauma With Drama/Double the Trouble

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #45/#46 – Trauma With Drama/Double the Trouble

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 28th January 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #45 — Trauma With Drama

Tuesday 22nd July 2008

Dear Annie,

I never finished going over my letter from last week. So much more to tell you. It’s a conflict. Talking about the new Trauma Group is important. Knowing a few of the women was a surprise. But it’s more important to talk to you about when I thought I had DID. The Trauma Group, I’ll save for other letters.

Awhile ago, I was told I had Dissociative Identity Disorder.  The therapist who told me, encouraged me to give the alters names and develop each one’s identity, their responsibilities and characteristics. I want you to know who lived with me for many years. The first one, I feel is the most outrageous. Her name is Laura. She was the one who was conscious when the abuse happened. It happened to her. They are her memories. Ever since, what she experienced during the sexual abuse, it ingrained inside of her a learning code. It causes her to sexualize every person we get close to. Not easy to admit.

What I am about to admit to you, may sound crazy coming from me, but she is aroused by you, Annie. And that isn’t all. Laura feels obsessed with you. It isn’t her fault though.

I need to clarify further.  My saying Laura is attracted and obsessed with you, doesn’t mean anyone else is. In fact, we aren’t, obsessed with you, that is. It is Laura’s thing. Not ours. We like you and feel close to you but it goes no further.

I’ve said too much. I can feel Laura feeling upset. She’s always gotten us into way too many situations.

Keep in mind, this story, I’ve been telling it to myself all these years that I feel I am or was once DID. And believing it. So did Scottie, and our closed friends thought I was just more eccentric than I already was.

Now, Meggie, she is so different. She just wants you to be her mother. Just needs love and hugs. She gets those from you in a very unobtrusive way.

Lets flip to the male side of our inner family.  There’s Brad. Warning. Watch out for him. Gets extremely intense, rageful, and add anger. Why, you may ask? No trust in grown ups at all. He feels you all betray us. No offense.

Ginny is sad. What I mean is, she is removed from feelings. All she experiences is depression and deep thoughts of suicide. What sets her off the most right now is the thought of you not loving her. She is younger than all of us but she feels older.

We believed our alters were real. When we believed completely in their existence, they felt real. Not so sure anymore. They felt like they existed. We felt their presence. They always felt to me to be very young. Don’t know anymore what to believe. Except the bipolar. I know I get manic, depressed and suicidal. All the DSM IV and 5 symptoms they have well written out.

We only use the word “we” now because it’s familiar. And we, also, feel like we are shattered.

We don’t entirely feel safe with you, Annie. That’s why we don’t want to let our guard down. Testing comes first.  But most of the time, we have a strong urge and need for you to know our story. For some reason it is necessary. We want someone we trust to know the complete truth. What really happened. Not just what I remember in my head.

I think we do love you. But those feelings make us feel confused about you, Annie, and about ourself.

Ask Brad if it is okay if we love you. We would like it if you would love us, too. Maybe it will help our shattered parts come together. If we were really loved by you.

Being a lesbian, we know telling you this may frighten you away. When a woman who is a lesbian loves another woman, someone who is married to a man, it can feel suspicious. But truthfully, our feeling of love is not sexual, not really. We just want to feel love. I want to believe that it isn’t bad or wrong to love and be loved by you.

Brad protects us, even against you, Annie. Women can hurt us just as much as a man.

I forgot to tell you, Meggie is too young for sex, but she knows about it.

Also, I forgot someone very important. Her name is Nessa, Ginny’s twin. Nessa lives with the heaviest depression but Ginny carries the dangerous one. She holds the suicidal feelings in her heart and it keeps breaking her.

And then there is Sandy. Our flamboyant gay male. He feels it’s a redundancy. Sandy likes the recognition and parties. Especially, likes getting high and dancing. He has no idea how he feels about you. He’s very likeable. Use to get everyone high when he would go bar hopping in NYC.

It’s a consensus. We decided you are kind, intelligent, beautiful and you have the softest, gentlest and most soothing voice we have ever heard.

We just want to get close to you. We’d like you to get close to us, too. For us, it will take a great deal of bravery. Getting close to anyone is scary as hell. So with you, it matters so much, so it makes it even scarier. We have more to lose.

You are inside our mind now. But we are still haunted with so many questions. I know you will ask what kind of questions. Simple. Is what we feel okay? Is it okay to love you? Our feelings are filled with pain. Fear is building up. Too much pressure. Love is dangerous or painful. When I love someone and trust them, two things have happened. They betray me by abusing me or they die. Either way I am hurt and abandoned.

Talking about what I feel is important. I want you to understand me. I don’t want to hold back.

What does love really feel like? How do I recognize it? Do you feel anything like love for me? I would really like the answer to that question.

No bullshit. No saying it’s transference. That is lame. Therapists cop out using that shit. What I feel is real. Don’t understand what it means. I need you to tell me it’s okay, the way I feel for you.

Honestly, I think I am in love with you. I am in love with another woman. And it hasn’t a thing to do with sex.  Being “in love” to me is feeling intense feelings of love. It’s not sexual. Will I ever understand? Does anyone know what love means? Do you, Annie?

It causes so much bloody confusion.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

I’m slipping in Scottie’s letter next. Following is a second letter from me.

Dear Annie,

I see you have drawn me into Madison’s therapy. If I understand, you just want some feedback on her behavior.

Certain points I feel are important. One, she forgets she needs to sleep. It doesn’t feel important to her. She escapes to her study, always writing, but rarely leaves. If not their, she’s in her studio painting.

When I get home after being away for a shoot, she follows me around as if to watch me. To see if I will magically disappear again. Sometimes she speaks to me like we have never spoken before. She has been in a fairly constant manic state recently. She is producing, which is good. Great scrips to turn into a film. Something for me to direct. Paintings to hang in our Art Gallery. But all this energy she’s using, I feel she is heading for a major crash.

I am afraid when her depression hits, it will be bleak. The darkness surrounds her, literally. I can feel it and see it. She won’t wake until after it’s dark out. She goes to sleep as soon as dawn hits the edge of the horizon. Her vampire comes out into the darkness. That’s what she’s doing.

Her mind is filled with one wish. She wants to die. It’s in her poetry and her scripts. They may be great and would make David Lynch want to do a meditation with her. She doesn’t speak, so that would be perfect. She actually throws herself into her work more when she’s in the darkness. A melancholia absorbed inside creativity.

Something is needed to shock her, to turn her around. Her body is suffering. Her Cancer treatment only stopped recently. Remember it almost killed her. Death was paying her regular visits then. It’s enough to traumatize anyone.

Let me not forget her abominable family. They want to kill her. It’s a matter of inheritance. So, they don’t leave her alone. Always finding ways to contact her. All of them scare the hell out of her except one brother and his daughter. She loves those two intensely. But the others, no way. We have people to keep them from her. It’s too complicated to get into now. But she has them crawling around in the spider webs in her mind. They creep through her brain and barge into her nightmares.

Is this enough, I hope? If she needs anyone right now, Annie, it’s you. Take the time to care for her. Gentleness and consistency, that’s what she needs. I do care deeply and I attempt to show it. But she is so damned difficult. Trying to push me away. She thinks that will work. But I won’t let her. We’re stuck in this life together, no matter what.

I have a strong suggestion. She needs to be placed on Medical Marijuana. With the Cancer Treatment she was given THC. What a change. Even though she was too weak to show signs of difference, I could tell her mood changed. She relaxed. Drank some liquids. I worry she is going to get really sick, if something doesn’t change.

Find a way for her to create but stay healthy. She’s divorced herself from her body. It is all out rejection. What happened to her body is too hard for her. And I am not talking about the Cancer.

Just help her. Please.

Yours,
Scottie Andrews

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Private Writings: Chapter #46 — Double the Trouble

Tuesday 24th July 2008

Dear Annie,

Having time with you three times a week is fantastic. Seeing you Tuesday after the first Trauma Group on Monday, is a bit heady to process. Intense and overwhelming. Those words come to me. A mental rush. Being close to you. Having more time with you. It seems we finally have time to work. More time. I’m always wishing for more time. The effects you have on me will be more powerful. All is so good. Something in your power infuses me. I feel filled with super energy.

This letter is going to be short.

First Trauma Group. Meeting a new person I like. Her name, gone from my memory. I felt she was really drawn to you. I like her but she is too possessive of you. After group, I wanted to talk to you but she was there first and wasn’t going to share. I felt jealous. It set off a chain reaction, of the negative feelings, the confusion, and the irrational thoughts. Primary one being, feeling rejected. It isn’t rational but I felt rejected by you. You didn’t care any longer. It sent me off on an emotional roller coaster after I left. The feelings lasted until I saw you on Tuesday.

It’s okay now. She, actually, feels like someone I want to be friends with. But I don’t want her monopolizing you. What the fuck was her name. Blocked it. You will have to tell me on Monday in Trauma Group. Until then, thank you for listening.

One last thought. I wanted you to know what a great group I feel you put together. Thought I’d never be in a group again. Wrong. My Tarot reading was right. It is what I need to do now. Feelings were high, some scary, some strong, and some intensely powerful. What will be exposed in the Group is going to knock us all over, isn’t it?

Now I have to find a way to be brave enough to face my shadows and to go into the darkness. If you will figuratively hold my hand, it might help.

That’s all for now.

“Time for time and traveling with circuses must end. It is time to soar through the time barrier into all moments in the Universe.”

So, until I see you, I end with my favorite quote from the film Brief Sacrifice.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

150th Birthday of Gustav  Klimt - The Virgin (Maiden)

150th Birthday of Gustav Klimt – The Virgin (Maiden)

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

Pierre Auguste Renoir - Roses and Jasmine  in a Delft Vase

Pierre Auguste Renoir – Roses and Jasmine in a Delft Vase

rain in garden gif

The Virgin
By Madison Taylor
23rd July 2008

Untouched entry blocked
Protected by innocence
Perversion invades

Nightmares being hell
Flames explode calling back pain
Feelings awakened

Youth is time for growth
Lightning follows path of thief
Regains what was lost

Time erases past
Memories rewritten now
Never recall the lies

Truth happens in light
Darkness takes hero returns
Bless the blind their eyes can see

© Madison Taylor 2008

innocence return - artist jk mccormack (c) JkM 2014

Innocence Return – Artist Jk McCormack (c) JkM 2007

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Amazing Visions: Pathways Through the Process of Life

amazing visions
Amazing Visions: A Pathways Through the Process of Life
Vimeo Videos Discovered by Jk the secret keeper
Created Post on 20th January 2014
Posted On Wednesday 22nd January 2014
AMAZING VISIONS

“A path of signs through the emotions of life.
A tribute to the art and her disarming beauty.”

I PLACE A WARNING THIS VIDEO CONTAINS ARTISTIC NUDITY-SEXUALITY-FAITH-VIOLENCE
MADNESS-POSSESSION-BEAUTY. IT SHOULDN’T BE NECESSARY TO WARN ADULTS.
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.
WHAT YOU WILL SEE IS BEAUTIFUL-EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE-NAKEDNESS
RELIGIOUS FERVOR-VIOLENCE-BIBLICAL VIOLENCE-DEATH-ANGELS
NATURE
IT’S ALL NATURAL

Beauty – Director Rino Stefano Tagliafierro

*        *        *        *        *        *       *

THE VISIONS WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY

In the Cave of Wonders

It begins in the mode of storytelling. The big reveal will come to those with patience & awe will be revealed. AWE & AMAZEMENT & BEAUTY @>-;—

*        *        *        *        *        *        *

OMINOUS? PERSONS OF INTEREST

Transparent Machines

We want safety. We Want privacy. Do we need to give up one for the other? Is it frightening to know others know all the superficial things about us? What does it matter? Our inner being is always changing. Much too difficult to follow by any intangible object. What are we protecting our selves from?

The Best Offer

cinema theoretica
The Best Offer
Research by Jk the secret keeper
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Created 15th January 2014
Posted Friday 17th January 2014
CINEMA THEORETICA

The Best Offer Trailer w/ Geoffrey Rush & Donald Sutherland

the best offer  in restaurant b4 birth day

I was able to watch 10 minutes of this film on a Preview Clip. It is not available yet outside of the theatre on DVD. It is on SAME DAY AS THEATRE for $8.00 HD. For the view into the elements of “The Best Offer,” I was intrigued just watching Geoffrey Rush in the opening moments, alone, sitting properly at a table, in a restaurant of a high reputation, I am sure, in England. Just watching him sit is a curious moment. We discover an important fact regarding his inner life and outer as well. It is his birthday the next day but the wait staff bring him a superbly made dessert with one candle already lit. He watches as the candle burns down. He must leave before Midnight but is sure to inform the wait staff to let the dessert staff know how pleased he is with the cake.

FADE OUT

the best offer poster

He walks into his office. It is his birthday. It has circulated he cannot abide Mobile Phones. So, he received only one in his packages this year.

The phone rings. He answers but pretends to be his assistant. A woman is urgent to speak with him. Her father highly recommended him as the one to handle their estate antiques and art work. She is frantic to have him accept the request. He is intrigued but doesn’t reveal his identity nor does he commit himself to meeting with her.

FADE OUT

the best offer   his portrait room

Auction. He is taking the bids on an antique from the time of Galileo. It brings in over a $Million Euros. The next item is a portrait of a young lady, in her lower teen years. She looks innocent. The bidding starts. This is when Donald Sutherland gets in on the proceedings. D.S. wins the bid for $10,000 Euros. After all is finished, D.S. meets with Him, G.R., in his rooms. He is examining the painting. At first, I thought maybe there was a famous painting under this young lady. But now I am not sure. He gives D.S. a handful of money. I deduct from them both that D.S.’s character is a painter. It gets a bit vague as the scene ends.

FADE OUT

the best offer   geoffrey rush & woman co star

He, G.R., is sitting in a room. As the camera scans and he follows the eye of the camera, we are seeing walls filled with portraits of women of all ages and eras. The curiosity mounts when you view the scan of the immensity of all the portraits. I wondered whether he came upon them in a manner not suiting his position.

There is a sense of mystery in this film. It has me wanting to see this as soon as it becomes available in the way in which I like to watch my cinema.

Out of curiosity, it is my kind of film with a touch of film noir, a woman who is withdrawn from the world who his seeking Him, G.R., out. He eventually, does become interested in the mystery. It has all the elements of a film I would choose to want to see.

Since I have only seen a small length of “The Best Offer,” I can only cast a “cinema theoretica” guess. I would want to see this film. I will when I am able and give an addition to this review. Until then, if you want to see “The Best Offer,” it is suppose to be in theatres and it is available with Xfinity On Demand for a FEE. [Xfinity is Comcast].

[BEST IS FIVE - 5 - ! ! ! ! ! ]

Good Movie Watching . :-)
By Jennifer Kiley

Private Writings: Chapter #41 — The Killing

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #41 — The Killing

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 31st December 2013

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.
ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.

ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell,
psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
storytelling using letters, dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, scripts, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis,
inspirations, reflective comments, inner/outer workings
mind, soul, body, emotions, bipolar, mentally creative, interesting,
brain misfiring; abuse, crashes, near drownings,
hallucinations, heightened sexuality, time warps,
finding answers, unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, discover self, soul, eternal serenity, bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

It’s the Way You Love Me

Private Writings: Chapter #41 — The Killing

Tuesday 24th June 2008

Dear Annie,

One of our animals died. Molly, my horse, at least the one I always ride. She lived 34 years. It was a week of joy and flips over to death from being way too old to be alive. What makes the best age to die? If life gets out of control. You feel you have no future. Those who earn from you, aren’t earning. What is the solution to this problem? Who earns more, a live Picasso, or a dead John Lennon?

Why do those we let in, who we get close to, have to die? Which means another abandonment. I am so much closer to animals. Scottie called one of our exotic companion animals a human. At first, I thought I heard wrong. Just think deeply. They are human. Animals are. I’m sure the Christian Right would balk at being put on the same level of animals. Their feeling of being in the highest order is a birthright. A convincing argument for their feeling of superiority. Everyone else should starve to death.

Not my belief. Animals are righteous. The higher level belongs to them. They don’t work for a living, they just live. No reporting to a 9 to 5. No boss. Yes, there is a hierarchy with animals but so different than how people have fucked over who we are and how we live. It’s a hierarchy of a few who own the controlling interest of the world. Then there are the slaves, bearly making it from day to day.

It feels strange to lose someone. Molly has been in my life for over half the time I’ve been alive. I’ve known her since I witnessed her birth. In the heat of a late summer’s night. Now she is gone. I don’t do loss very well. And right now, I want to feel great having Alison back.

She got right into the business. Scottie took her to our studio today. Editing on “Touched by the Spirit” needs attention. Alison is “jumping right into the deep end.” Who came up with that line? It tends to get you drowned. I, literally, did it once, and pretty nearly didn’t survive. It is a haunting. Someone wants me to die inhaling water rather than air. No last breath of that to go out on. Hope it is not an Omen. Don’t want to die that way.

Do I have a particular way I would like to go out taking my last bow? First, I would like to be healthy the rest of my life. Second, I want to create till the very end, my mind would be quick, witty and sharp. Third, I want to drift off inside the best dream ever and drift away forever inside my dream. Everyone I love would be there or join me there. An after-life filled with all the ultimate pleasures surrounded by love and bliss.

Death is all around me. My senses are always connecting close to the edge of time and infinity. We may close off the reception but it is there waiting to break through into my consciousness.

It feels good to have our family together. Alison fits perfectly. No jealousy. Pure love, respect and caring all around us. I think it makes a difference Alison having her own home on the estate. The Chateau de Rocher is always her home but she needs her own home, where she can build her life. We made a pack to always eat dinners together when the film allows it or if any one of us has an important private engagement. We, Scottie and I, want Alison to have a personal life.

Curious, we never discussed with Alison what her inclination with intimacy and where her crushing love swings. She has never shown a personal interest in either sex or transgender individuals. She doesn’t seem interested in or notices others who might be attracted to her. Never gave time to romantic closeness. Should we be concerned?

Not everyone is interested in sexual intimacy or relationships with a romantic undercurrent. She rejects any possibilities of engaging with anyone. No reason to be concerned. Alison never talked or wrote about anyone special. She had friends but nothing ever went beyond the closeness of a friendship.

Are we good parents to not get into a discussion with Alison? She may not know how to talk to anyone about closeness of an intimate nature. I feel for her. Not my strongest ability growing up with my morally corrupt family. I didn’t know I needed someone to talk to me. Not something I did growing up, talking. Strictly quiet unless I lost it and began crying.

When that happened, all scattered, abandoning me with the Shadow Mother. A Bogeyman of the scariest kind. They hide in the shadows under your bed or in the closet while the light is switched off, only came out at night. Daytime, they would transform from shadows, entering into people who accepted their terms. Anything goes, and not of the musical kind.

My mother was one of those, who made the deal. She became possessed by evil. Her punishment was calculating and torturous. A former member of the Spanish Inquisition. One of the Torturers. She especially liked hot burning items, silk scarves to bide hands and silencing any noise coming from my mouth, and devices for striking the flesh. Often whips of various lengths and bites. Right out of the cupboards of the Marquis de Sade. Sadistic and Masochistic. With the Shadow Mother there were no safe words. I am not so sure if the Marquis de Sade had them either.

The Shadow Mother has been dismissed. Will that stop her hauntings? Sometimes it’s important to out your daemons, in order to steal their power away. What happens then? I certainly don’t want it. No desire to be evil. I just want to feel. Let it be joy but tears are a form of bliss. Laughter through tears, the deepest feelings are evoked. Let sadness in. It isn’t meant to be rejected. Depression will secure a space if the truth of emotions are not allowed freedom of expression.

Some law should be carved into the Constitution: Freedom of Emotions, but unlike guns, no one is allowed to do harm.

It has been an elevator ride this week with moods. Manic, excited, happy our girl is home. Exhausted with sadness, our Molly is gone. It was too sudden. Death should be required to give fair notice. Not with misery but with time to prepare. And no, one should not prepare for death the moment we are born. “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.” I suppose death feels the same.

Let’s switch to optimism and an endless supply of time.

It’s time for “Brief Sacrifice” and my favorite closing line.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

For you, I will end this letter in “the moment between seconds.”

Love Fondly,

Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Energy --- Artist & Founder Julia Watkins [Energism Art]

Energy — Artist & Founder Julia Watkins [Energism Art]


Somewhere In Time – John Barry

colourful bunch of flowers DArt do

rain in garden gif

Pure Ecstasy
By Madison Taylor
24th June 2008

Become
That which lives within
We are free

Being
The spirit alive
In our nature
Fighting the darkness

Entrance
Into the world
Through accidental
Analytical intention

Mysticism
Pours forth
Ideas words thoughts images
Carrying projections
Floating inside imagination

Consciousness
Kept protected and hidden
Now is free

Acceptance
Enthusiastic
Cautious
Anticipating
Thrilling

Beyond
Overwhelmingly good
Creating a heightened state
Of pure ecstasy

© madison taylor 2008

Cirque Foncé by jkmccormack (c) JkM 2007

Cirque Foncé by jkmccormack (c) jKm 2007

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream

In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

play is not just play meryl streep

“Pretending is not just play.
Pretending is imagined possibilities.”
— Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Amazing Visions: Bells Spheres Fountains of Dancing Colours

amazing visions
Amazing Visions: Bells Spheres Fountains of Dancing Colours
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Vimeo Videos Discovered by j. kiley
Post Created on Thursday 9th November 2013
Posted on Wednesday 20th November 2013
AMAZING VISIONS

Bells Music Video – Stuart Sinclair Animation
["It's 2001 meets Gravity." {the film} Jk]

Music : Suns facebook.com/sunsofficial

In the Summer of 2013 Suns approached me with the idea of developing a music video for their track ‘Bells’ and upon listening to the track -which I loved- I immediately had thoughts of an astronaut travelling alone through space. With this initial image in mind I began experimenting with various visual effects using After Effects.

I used two AE plugins: Plexus 2.0 and Trapcode Form, I started to develop my ideas which involved generating the thin line aesthetic and dots that I was after. The majority of the 3D models used in the video are based on real objects from Space; the Hubble Space Telescope, Progress and Voyager 1. The planets and moons in the video are generated using NASA imagery, and helped to create a formal aspect to an otherwise abstract piece. Once I’d settled on the visual look for the piece, I began to think about how the structure will be developed in relation to the journey of the astronaut and the emotion of the track.

* * * * * * *

Spherikal

From Ion Plus 1 year ago
Not Yet Rated

This is a small animation i did as an exercise to experiment and explore all the graphical possibilities of representing the idea of the SPHERE, always thinking in searching Gestalt and form. Its all done in 3d, but i was more interested in the graphical interest, flatten the surfaces, and only two colors, why more.The most difficult was to achieve the transitions between the different type of representation of the sphere, the morphing and metamorphosing.

For the description of the project, all these frames plus the frames from the scenes that weren’t included, visit – behance.net/gallery/Spherikal/3565597

It was all done in Cinema 4d R13, all with the Mograph module. Comositing and post in After Effects

Sound : Brand X Music

* * * * * * *

Advection – Robert Seidel – Projection on a Water Fountain

Artist Statement
The work advection consists of several visual études projected on the continuously changing volume of a water fountain. Interconnected with both the circadian rhythm of their natural surroundings as well as the meteorological nuances of seasonal change from autumn to winter – the fixed études alter their density, texture and luminescence over the exhibition time.

This highly organic pictorial frame spawns a contemporary form of moving abstract paintings or associative drawings. The volumetric fountain, the pond reflections and iridescent flares shape a plasmatic spatial system, which is extended by a secondary video projection. This additional layer illuminates the surrounding area, integrating vegetation and the passing visitors into an abstracted mirage-stage.

Here, twining lines change their density within the evolving volume as fragile light patterns float in the bank of fog. The skeletal music composition is augmented by the sound of rippling water and the rushing fountain. Ultimately flickering projection segments and the emerging natural airstreams break the fluctuating formations, making every loop a unique permutation.

Credits
Artwork Robert Seidel _ robertseidel.com
Music David Kamp _ davidkamp.de

Amazing Visions: Calligraphy Wonderland to Expanding Brainwaves

amazing visions

Amazing Visions: Calligraphy Wonderland to Expanding Brainwaves
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Vimeo Videos Discovered by j. kiley
Post Created on Thursday 7th November 2013
Posted on Wednesday 13th November 2013
AMAZING VISIONS

SCRIPTURA VITAE

SCRIPTURA VITAE is a short-film based on the artwork of Aerosyn-Lex Mestrovic. Commissioned by the UK’s Channel 4 and Protein London as part of the Random Acts arts platform, this film marks the directorial debut of artist and designer, Aerosyn-Lex.

A poetic performance piece exploring duality, SCRIPTURA VITAE stars famed Japanese actress Miho Nikaido, best known for her role in the Japanese cult classic film “Tokyo Decadence”, alongside Butoh performer and dancer Maki Shinagawa.

Featuring new original music by Grammy nominated producer DIPLO and standout tracks Parallel World by avant-garde London-based producer ACTRESS and Geisha by the young British duo, PLAITUM.

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The Day Wonderland Stood Still — Bruce W. Berry Jr.

This time-lapse was inspired by the “Empty America Series” by Ross Ching and the Nibiran jungle scene in Star Trek Into Darkness. When I first saw the scene in Star Trek, it made me wonder how color infrared would look if we could see it with our own eyes, unaided by IR filters. After seeing the movie and watching Ross’s series I thought about how a totally empty city (such as Philadelphia) would look in Kodak EIR style infrared.

Hope you all enjoy and thanks for viewing!

Addition Info:
All scenes were shot around Philadelphia using my full-spectrum digital camera and a yellow filter. A full spectrum camera is a camera that has had it’s IR blocking filter removed, allowing the camera to see into the infrared. The yellow filter blocks all visible light up to yellow and allows infrared to pass through. The first scene and time-lapse title was prompted by an infrared series that I’ve been shooting over the years called “Wonderland”. If you are interested in seeing some of the photos from this series click on the title under video.

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BREEDLE Official Video

“Extraordinary Video: Visually Mind Blowing.” Jk

This took four months of formula experimentations and over 1000 hours of combined rendering via open source raytracers to complete.

Also check out its sibling for the-side track “THE INKLING” at vimeo.com/76123151

Audio by EXTRAWELT
Video by denial.of.service

Traum Schallplatten V168 © 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #33 — They Shoot Movies, Don’t They?

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings — Chapter #33: They Shoot Movies, Don’t They?

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 5th November 2013

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell, psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
my choice in form of storytelling is using letters with dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, describing my scripts, recent one ‘brief sacrifice,’ film is waiting for release,
psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, inspirations, reflective comments, the inner & outer workings
of the mind, soul, body, emotions, and bipolar—prefer mentally creative, or interesting,
or a brain misfiring; in the mix are abuse, crashes, near drownings, illegal drugs presently,
hallucinations, hypersexuality, time warps, finding answers to unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, the never ending need to discover my self, my soul, my eternal serenity, my bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings — Chapter #33: They Shoot Movies, Don’t They?

Tuesday, 29th April 2008

Dear Annie,

You want to know how I met Hunter Marx. It was one of Scottie’s wild industry parties. Anyone who was anyone was invited. And our casting director was asked to invite potential actors of both sexes, who might be right for the roles in my new screenplay. This was back on 2000. I wasn’t wary of this party. In fact, I welcomed it.

It was when I first saw Hunter. She was sitting motionless across the room. I watched her for a while. She was strikingly sensual. Her mystique resonated with me. My feelings told me she was different. I believed in my first impression, which I felt was positive. I trusted it. I was greatly mistaken. Now she haunts me. She gets inside my mind. What once I thought was the beginning, of something special turned into a nightmare. The feelings of closeness we shared disappeared. She was a mirage. What I felt existed was smoke and mirrors, signifying nothing.

I was working on the script tonight and now, the pages are filled with memories of times spent with Hunter. If she could only know what she did to my life, what she made me feel. I cannot believe she wanted me to be so tortured. Coming back into our lives, knowing how she ended it. When I listen to what was our song “Come What May,” from Moulin Rouge. The line that kills me, “I will love you til my dying day.” I still feel her arms holding me. Her eyes looking into mine, mine searching deeper into hers. I missed her so much, simply because I loved her, even after she deserted me.

I was nearly destroyed until I realized exactly what she had done. I was used by her and what I felt meant nothing to her. Her desires were to get close to Scottie and I gave her my blessing to steal everything that was mine. From the beginning, her mind was set on the role. Seducing me, the gullible writer, would convince Scottie to give Hunter Marx the part. Scottie was the wise one, she didn’t want Hunter. Because of me, she did get the lead in our film, anyway. That was her goal, at any cost, She never wanted me, my friendship, my love, but a role I created and the bitch is it made her. Now she gets anything she wants. She fucked with me to get my character that I created. It made her famous and what she is today. A bitch who gets what’s coming to her.

And now she is back. Scottie cast her in my new screenplay, “Touch of the Spirit.” I begged Scottie not to cast Hunter. She just didn’t understand back then or now, why I didn’t want her near either one of us, then or now. Poison, not blood ran in her veins, and a touch of evil lingered around her soul.

Scottie knew I had a crush on Hunter. I was always flirting with the women in our films. Nothing meant to go anywhere. It fed my muse. But with Hunter, the strength of the feelings she brought up inside me, I never expected her to have such a magnetic draw on me. I think I became a touch obsessed, which scared the shit out of me. My attractions didn’t bother Scottie. She knew I was innocent. Scottie always worried I would be hurt but she knew they were an inspiration for my muse. My muse loved the feelings the flirtations created, even if they were innocent with no intent on action. Hunter didn’t understand the rules. She was relentless with her intentions and they were not honest.

A strong physical attraction developed with Hunter. Stronger than anything I had felt in a long time. It was in early 2001, when Scottie finally decided she was going to cast Hunter Marx for their first film together. Hunter’s first major film as the lead. It was still an innocent enough time in the world before the impending insanity that descended and overwhelmed the world.

I did have someone to turn to when I needed to talk outside of therapy. Jonathan Stephens was my long-distance friend. We started chatting years before that time. It was primitive compared to having Skype now, which we both converted to. Chat rooms were weird and I never felt really comfortable using them. But after finding Jonathan, it became okay. With Skype, though, we can hear each other’s voice. Jonathan lives in Paris and has a flat in London. An artist by trade, doing mostly painting, but occasionally, enjoys writing, jumping around in various areas, from poetry to prose, to opinion commentary. It all supplements his income, to that of being an internationally known artist with a strong following. Exhibitions, selling his work on both sides of the Atlantic, Collectors follow him around the world. And then those who buy his art because they love his work and to have the pure pleasure of hanging a painting of Jonathan Stephens on their walls. Those are the people he absolutely adores. Yes, he makes a good living from the collectors, but to them he is not an artist but an investment. If he could, he would refuse them any pieces of his work.

I love what Jonathan paints. His art is predominantly in Abstract, which is my favorite style. My favorite artists after Jonathan are Jackson Pollock, Kandinsky, Vincent van Gogh and a great Monet. Claude, of course. I must say I use to get Monet mixed up with Manet, not because of their art but their names being so similar. I was young and more naive then.

Jonathan knows every detail about Hunter. All the excruciating pain she caused me to feel and the whys. I even told him how she seduced me and made me hide my feelings for her in front of other people. Also, my hidden pleasure, mixed together with confusion, huge amounts of emotional anguish, and her convincing me I was delusional. That I had imagined everything that went on between us. She denied we ever had a relationship. That is why Scottie thought I made the whole thing up about Hunter using me.

Jonathan was the only person who knew the truth. How my soul was filled with joy from the kindness and love Hunter showed me. I felt it was real. It only demonstrated to me the evil content of Hunter’s soul. The treachery and manipulation that surfaced after it was over. Her coldness set in and froze me out. All I could feel was total loss and abandonment. I told every minute detail to Jonathan. My witness to what Hunter did and how it made me feel crazy. The Bipolar mood swings flying me higher and lower. Her presence in my life practically destroyed everything inside of me.

This was the beginning, when the agoraphobia made its strategic hit and thoroughly immobilized my life. Between Scottie, Jonathan and a therapist I saw for a short time. A long story, but the short version, she couldn’t handle the combination of pot and lesbians and a gay man all at one time. She had some kind of cleansing conversions during the therapy sessions. Plus she had to make house calls. It freaked her out being in a lesbian couple’s house all alone. She may have thought or felt being around us lesbians and Jonathan’s gay image on a computer screen was far too contagious. We paid her a small fortune, so it wasn’t the money. Well, after her, there entered Dr. George. We all know how that turned out. Of course, at first, I thought he had an open mind and was a relatively good Psychotherapist. He got me out of the house again, sort of, I would, at least, go to his office.

Tomorrow is Scottie’s wild cast party, before heading over the France. I am still really nervous about the flying. But, at least, I got some of my anxiety out on paper about Hunter. Our first head to head will be at the party. Oh, give me strength. I don’t ever watch her films. I would close my eyes during her scenes in my screenplay. I, so, did not want to see her. I don’t know what I am going to do if I react badly to seeing her near Scottie. And what if she tries to say anything to me? What then?

I promise I will behave and bring this letter to you next week, our last session before flying to Paris. It is going to be hard to go, more because I’ll miss you. I know we are going to be doing Skype sessions and you will make sure I have all the scheduled appointment times for the whole month I am away. That is a really long time. I will write to you. It will center me. And I finally will be in the same city as Jonathan. You may wonder why we have never met in person before now. I will explain that when I see you next week.

I am exhausted and need to stop, Writing about Hunter has really messed with my brain.

Thank you for listening and being there. I already miss you.

I will keep you in the loop in the new film and I promise to catch you up more on “Brief Sacrifice” in my next letter. Too much is going on right now to think about it. I will leave you a quote from my last letter to hold you.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I will end this letter in the moment of now.

Fondly,
Madison

© madison taylor 2008

Finale Moulin Rouge I Will Love You Til Our Dying Day

Annie Haskell --- Madison Tayler's Psychoanalyst's Office

Dr. Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

red_flower_garden poppy field sunrise  pwRed Flower Poppy Field at Sunrise

rain in garden gif

Heart Break
Thrice Haiku
By Madison Taylor
6th May 2008

Heart break broke in two
Repairs are like Frankenstein’s
Stitching strings will pass on death

Electric circuits
Strikes lightning’s power preferred
Surging force toward love’s purpose

Awakens beauty
Life less in silence ending
Kissing’s spark brings breathes return

© madison taylor 2008

the red dragon black fire abstract robert-r  pwThe Red Dragon — Artist Robert R.

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

jonathan stephens imaginary framedJonathan Stephens is Madison Taylor’s friend in Paris, France. 1st time meeting. Skype.

Patrick is our Bengal cat in tree. He loves Scotties. They are buddies.   1612x1212 Patrick-our Bengal cat up in his tree-Scottie’s buddy

Havana Brown Kitten  Madison and Scottie's kitten One of the Two   800x600

Havana Brown Kitten Madison & Scottie’s. This cutie is Toker. He has a twin brother Mikey

actresses-with-long-hair-hairstyle frenchHunter Marx [taken 7 years ago in 2001 year Hunter & Madison met]

play is not just play meryl streep

Psychedelic Science

tell me a story
Psychedelic Science
TEDTalk by Fabian Oefner
Notations by Jennifer Kiley
Created on Wednesday 16th October 2013
Posted Thursday 31st October 2013
TELL ME A STORY

Psychedelic science by speaker Fabian Oefner 2013G

Published on Oct 7, 2013
Swiss artist and photographer Fabian Oefner is on a mission to make eye-catching art from everyday science. In this charming talk, he shows off some recent psychedelic images, including photographs of crystals as they interact with soundwaves. And, in a live demo, he shows what really happens when you mix paint with magnetic liquid–or when you set fire to whiskey.

Very impressive experiments mixing science with art and creating amazing visions of beauty & visual imagery otherwise not being able to be created. Be prepared to be impressed at the unique sights Fabian Oefner creates. He is also an entertaining speaker you will enjoy.

Anaïs Nin: Thinks of June — Part One

a writer's word - day title sundayAnaïs Nin: Thinks of June — Part One
Transposed by Jennifer Kiley
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Illustrated by j. kiley
Post Created On Sunday 27th October 2013
Posted On Sunday 27th October 2013
The Writer’s Word

Essence of a Woman by Anna Razumovskaya smEssence of a Woman by Anna Razumovskaya

Anaïs Nin
Thinks of June
Part One

At night I dreamed of her,
not magnificent
and overwhelming
as she is,
but very small
and frail,
and I loved her.

I loved a smallness,
a vulnerability
which I felt was disguised
by her inordinate pride,
by her volubility.

It is a hurt pride.
She lacks confidence,
she craves
admiration
insatiably.

She lives
on the reflections
of herself
in the eyes
of others.

She does not dare
to be herself.

There is no June
to grasp
or know.

She knows it.
The more
she is loved,
the more
she knows it.

She knows
there is
a beautiful woman
who took her cue
last night
from my
inexperience

and concealed
the depth
of her
knowledge.

salvador_dali-paysage_aux_papillonsPaysage aux Papillons — Salvador Dali