Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by NAME OF ARTIST
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 18th March 2014
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.
private writings to dr. annie haskell
I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time
see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor
Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday
Tuesday 9th September 2008
Oh, Annie it was the wrong day to be out sick. If I could talk to you right now, you might be able to convince me there is a reason to stay alive. But no one, no matter how close I feel to them will be able to stop me from wanting to end it. The pain has become too much. It’s always there, on the edge of my thoughts. Whenever I let anyone into my life, or they take it over, they never fail to end up fucking me up. Literally and figuratively.
At least, I assume they are fucking me. Lately, I don’t seem to know the difference. Someone is out to gas-light me. They want to fill my mind with confusion and paranoia. The newest torture is to make me feel like I am making love with a real person. It ends up being a grand hallucination or they want me to take leave of my senses. I’m feeling like any moment I’m going to fall or be pushed over the edge.
I took a break. Now that I’ve returned to continue writing this letter, my mind has been drawn into the new theory I have been working on. When I returned, my mind was just trying grasp a new and different understanding of love. A few weeks ago, I wrote the poem “Too High On Love.” At the time, I felt like two distinct meanings were coming through. One was Pure, untouched by anyone’s awareness. A new concept, to me unheard of by human thought and unknown through human experience or awareness. It is on a special resonating level of vibration. The other meaning is on the baser level of a physical passion, but beyond the bodily response of even the most ecstatically realized sexual orgasm.
Where this will rest, I haven’t a clue yet. But I do know it has something to do with spiritual energy giving the appearance of being a combination of an electrical current transporting from outside our physical realm. It’s beyond our reality to explain. It either derives from ‘the Other Side’ or is being channeled through spirits unbeknownst the host, who has hallucinogenic experience beyond the most extremely awesome state of bliss.
That was the letter I started to write to you Annie but this is what I ended up writing after I took a break. It is very important for you to know I have been going in and out of feeling suicidal ever since the night Sylvia raped me. It is sad the courts would let her out on bail. She is evil and should be kept away from women and children. I don’t feel safe knowing she is out there anywhere. Scottie got a court order to keep her away from me. One of those ridiculously worthless pieces of paper that get people killed.
I am freaking out here. My mind is screaming out, telling me to kill myself. The pain is too much. I can’t handle the feel of her breath on my skin. Her hands forcing her touch on me. I have to find a silent way to block her out. Death is a quiet way. She can’t follow me there. It would frighten her too much. I am not afraid when I want to die. It feel perfectly natural. Death.
Here is the letter I want you to give to Jamie after I am gone. It is very important she receive the letter and the poem I wrote for her. Don’t show Scottie. I don’t want to hurt her. I love her, Scottie, completely. We are meant to be together. But I need something different. It is impossible to explain. Certain people appear in your life. Some are meant to stay forever and others are to teach you lessons. I feel Jamie is the first. She wants to be and so do I but she doesn’t understand how love works for me. I love intensely. I need a secure love and I need a pure love. They sometimes blend but usually are different from the other.
Here is my letter. The poem I will mail separately. I call it “Love Simply Love” with a subtitle of “All Is Love.” It’s Goodbye, Annie. I loved working with you. Please watch out for Scottie.
I write this note to you Annie, to give to Jamie after I am gone from here. Tell her I love her and will love her forever. I will meet up with her in a future time. Tell Jamie, I never want to say goodbye and that it is never a goodbye with her. Here is the letter I wrote to her. It is followed by a poem I want her to have. [I decided to mail the poem directly to Jamie, myself]. So, when she thinks of me after I’ve gone, she will know my true feelings for her, without any doubt left for her mind and heart and soul to puzzle over. [This part is for you Jamie.]
I want to tell you how I feel. Believe every word. I am not trying to run away. I just can’t bear the pain of being separated from you forever. After Sylvia raped me, it caused a deep change inside my body and my heart. It injured me more deeply than ever. It destroyed any hope that I would be able to love again. My body has betrayed me again. I can’t stand living inside this body another moment. What I feel for you Jamie, is pure love. I wrote you a poem.
This is the preface for my last poem. You absolutely absorb my mind and entire being. I love you in my words and when your words join with mine, they complete the love. If I could love with my body, I would want you to know the joyful pleasure of feeling whole with the lightness and blending of physical love. But I am incapable of loving you with the touch of my hands and flesh.
What I am capable of is to love you for your soul, your heart, and your mind. You are the most gentle of beings I know. To you I want to give over my entire being but I am unable to give over my body. What I am able to give you is my love. To hold you in the arms of my thoughts and feelings. I feel you giving me the magic touch of your emotions. You fill me with the pure sweet energy of all the love you share with me.
You my love, I desire. To have you in my life always. To dream about you. To hold you and sleep with you in spirit. To feel my self near you. To love you always in the way of faery tales where time is forever and ever after. To be happily ever after with you is to feel the love inside of love while in love.
Knowing I cannot have this with you, I decided I don’t want to be alive without you. Writing this poem is my way of giving my love to you to hold in your heart. One day we will meet again. In a different world, where love is freely shared.
I must take my leave now. My time here is up. If somehow I make it through trying to exit from this world, I will find you my love again. I will look for you and find you. I promise. My love for you is eternal. Never will I forget you. You are my pure love forever.
Goodbye Annie. I hate to go but I must. The pills are starting to make me feel really tired. I must send this to you before I can’t function. I love you, Annie. I really do love you. Love Always, Madison @>-;—
© madison taylor 2008
Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor