Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by NAME OF ARTIST
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 18th March 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday

Tuesday 9th September 2008

Dear Annie,

Oh, Annie it was the wrong day to be out sick. If I could talk to you right now, you might be able to convince me there is a reason to stay alive. But no one, no matter how close I feel to them will be able to stop me from wanting to end it. The pain has become too much. It’s always there, on the edge of my thoughts. Whenever I let anyone into my life, or they take it over, they never fail to end up fucking me up. Literally and figuratively.

At least, I assume they are fucking me. Lately, I don’t seem to know the difference. Someone is out to gas-light me. They want to fill my mind with confusion and paranoia. The newest torture is to make me feel like I am making love with a real person. It ends up being a grand hallucination or they want me to take leave of my senses. I’m feeling like any moment I’m going to fall or be pushed over the edge.

I took a break. Now that I’ve returned to continue writing this letter, my mind has been drawn into the new theory I have been working on. When I returned, my mind was just trying grasp a new and different understanding of love. A few weeks ago, I wrote the poem “Too High On Love.” At the time, I felt like two distinct meanings were coming through. One was Pure, untouched by anyone’s awareness. A new concept, to me unheard of by human thought and unknown through human experience or awareness. It is on a special resonating level of vibration. The other meaning is on the baser level of a physical passion, but beyond the bodily response of even the most ecstatically realized sexual orgasm.

Where this will rest, I haven’t a clue yet. But I do know it has something to do with spiritual energy giving the appearance of being a combination of an electrical current transporting from outside our physical realm. It’s beyond our reality to explain. It either derives from ‘the Other Side’ or is being channeled through spirits unbeknownst the host, who has hallucinogenic experience beyond the most extremely awesome state of bliss.

That was the letter I started to write to you Annie but this is what I ended up writing after I took a break. It is very important for you to know I have been going in and out of feeling suicidal ever since the night Sylvia raped me. It is sad the courts would let her out on bail. She is evil and should be kept away from women and children. I don’t feel safe knowing she is out there anywhere. Scottie got a court order to keep her away from me. One of those ridiculously worthless pieces of paper that get people killed.

I am freaking out here. My mind is screaming out, telling me to kill myself. The pain is too much. I can’t handle the feel of her breath on my skin. Her hands forcing her touch on me. I have to find a silent way to block her out. Death is a quiet way. She can’t follow me there. It would frighten her too much. I am not afraid when I want to die. It feel perfectly natural. Death.

Here is the letter I want you to give to Jamie after I am gone. It is very important she receive the letter and the poem I wrote for her. Don’t show Scottie. I don’t want to hurt her. I love her, Scottie, completely. We are meant to be together. But I need something different. It is impossible to explain. Certain people appear in your life. Some are meant to stay forever and others are to teach you lessons. I feel Jamie is the first. She wants to be and so do I but she doesn’t understand how love works for me. I love intensely. I need a secure love and I need a pure love. They sometimes blend but usually are different from the other.

Here is my letter. The poem I will mail separately. I call it “Love Simply Love” with a subtitle of “All Is Love.” It’s Goodbye, Annie. I loved working with you. Please watch out for Scottie.

I write this note to you Annie, to give to Jamie after I am gone from here. Tell her I love her and will love her forever. I will meet up with her in a future time. Tell Jamie, I never want to say goodbye and that it is never a goodbye with her. Here is the letter I wrote to her. It is followed by a poem I want her to have. [I decided to mail the poem directly to Jamie, myself]. So, when she thinks of me after I’ve gone, she will know my true feelings for her, without any doubt left for her mind and heart and soul to puzzle over.  [This part is for you Jamie.]

Dear Jamie,

I want to tell you how I feel. Believe every word. I am not trying to run away. I just can’t bear the pain of being separated from you forever. After Sylvia raped me, it caused a deep change inside my body and my heart. It injured me more deeply than ever. It destroyed any hope that I would be able to love again. My body has betrayed me again. I can’t stand living inside this body another moment. What I feel for you Jamie, is pure love. I wrote you a poem.

This is the preface for my last poem. You absolutely absorb my mind and entire being. I love you in my words and when your words join with mine, they complete the love. If I could love with my body, I would want you to know the joyful pleasure of feeling whole with the lightness and blending of physical love. But I am incapable of loving you with the touch of my hands and flesh.

What I am capable of is to love you for your soul, your heart, and your mind. You are the most gentle of beings I know. To you I want to give over my entire being but I am unable to give over my body. What I am able to give you is my love. To hold you in the arms of my thoughts and feelings. I feel you giving me the magic touch of your emotions. You fill me with the pure sweet energy of all the love you share with me.

You my love, I desire. To have you in my life always. To dream about you. To hold you and sleep with you in spirit. To feel my self near you. To love you always in the way of faery tales where time is forever and ever after. To be happily ever after with you is to feel the love inside of love while in love.

Knowing I cannot have this with you, I decided I don’t want to be alive without you. Writing this poem is my way of giving my love to you to hold in your heart. One day we will meet again. In a different world, where love is freely shared.

I must take my leave now. My time here is up. If somehow I make it through trying to exit from this world, I will find you my love again. I will look for you and find you. I promise. My love for you is eternal. Never will I forget you. You are my pure love forever.

Love, Mandy

Goodbye Annie. I hate to go but I must. The pills are starting to make me feel really tired. I must send this to you before I can’t function. I love you, Annie.  I really do love you. Love Always, Madison @>-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Abstract Tree of Black and White by Mark Chadwick abstract tree

Abstract Tree of Black and White by Mark Chadwick

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

salvador-dali-rose-1958

Salvador Dali Rose 1958

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Amazing Visions: Pathways Through the Process of Life

amazing visions
Amazing Visions: A Pathways Through the Process of Life
Vimeo Videos Discovered by Jk the secret keeper
Created Post on 20th January 2014
Posted On Wednesday 22nd January 2014
AMAZING VISIONS

“A path of signs through the emotions of life.
A tribute to the art and her disarming beauty.”

I PLACE A WARNING THIS VIDEO CONTAINS ARTISTIC NUDITY-SEXUALITY-FAITH-VIOLENCE
MADNESS-POSSESSION-BEAUTY. IT SHOULDN’T BE NECESSARY TO WARN ADULTS.
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.
WHAT YOU WILL SEE IS BEAUTIFUL-EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE-NAKEDNESS
RELIGIOUS FERVOR-VIOLENCE-BIBLICAL VIOLENCE-DEATH-ANGELS
NATURE
IT’S ALL NATURAL

Beauty – Director Rino Stefano Tagliafierro

*        *        *        *        *        *       *

THE VISIONS WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY

In the Cave of Wonders

It begins in the mode of storytelling. The big reveal will come to those with patience & awe will be revealed. AWE & AMAZEMENT & BEAUTY @>-;—

*        *        *        *        *        *        *

OMINOUS? PERSONS OF INTEREST

Transparent Machines

We want safety. We Want privacy. Do we need to give up one for the other? Is it frightening to know others know all the superficial things about us? What does it matter? Our inner being is always changing. Much too difficult to follow by any intangible object. What are we protecting our selves from?

Amazing Visions: Bells Spheres Fountains of Dancing Colours

amazing visions
Amazing Visions: Bells Spheres Fountains of Dancing Colours
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Vimeo Videos Discovered by j. kiley
Post Created on Thursday 9th November 2013
Posted on Wednesday 20th November 2013
AMAZING VISIONS

Bells Music Video – Stuart Sinclair Animation
["It's 2001 meets Gravity." {the film} Jk]

Music : Suns facebook.com/sunsofficial

In the Summer of 2013 Suns approached me with the idea of developing a music video for their track ‘Bells’ and upon listening to the track -which I loved- I immediately had thoughts of an astronaut travelling alone through space. With this initial image in mind I began experimenting with various visual effects using After Effects.

I used two AE plugins: Plexus 2.0 and Trapcode Form, I started to develop my ideas which involved generating the thin line aesthetic and dots that I was after. The majority of the 3D models used in the video are based on real objects from Space; the Hubble Space Telescope, Progress and Voyager 1. The planets and moons in the video are generated using NASA imagery, and helped to create a formal aspect to an otherwise abstract piece. Once I’d settled on the visual look for the piece, I began to think about how the structure will be developed in relation to the journey of the astronaut and the emotion of the track.

* * * * * * *

Spherikal

From Ion Plus 1 year ago
Not Yet Rated

This is a small animation i did as an exercise to experiment and explore all the graphical possibilities of representing the idea of the SPHERE, always thinking in searching Gestalt and form. Its all done in 3d, but i was more interested in the graphical interest, flatten the surfaces, and only two colors, why more.The most difficult was to achieve the transitions between the different type of representation of the sphere, the morphing and metamorphosing.

For the description of the project, all these frames plus the frames from the scenes that weren’t included, visit – behance.net/gallery/Spherikal/3565597

It was all done in Cinema 4d R13, all with the Mograph module. Comositing and post in After Effects

Sound : Brand X Music

* * * * * * *

Advection – Robert Seidel – Projection on a Water Fountain

Artist Statement
The work advection consists of several visual études projected on the continuously changing volume of a water fountain. Interconnected with both the circadian rhythm of their natural surroundings as well as the meteorological nuances of seasonal change from autumn to winter – the fixed études alter their density, texture and luminescence over the exhibition time.

This highly organic pictorial frame spawns a contemporary form of moving abstract paintings or associative drawings. The volumetric fountain, the pond reflections and iridescent flares shape a plasmatic spatial system, which is extended by a secondary video projection. This additional layer illuminates the surrounding area, integrating vegetation and the passing visitors into an abstracted mirage-stage.

Here, twining lines change their density within the evolving volume as fragile light patterns float in the bank of fog. The skeletal music composition is augmented by the sound of rippling water and the rushing fountain. Ultimately flickering projection segments and the emerging natural airstreams break the fluctuating formations, making every loop a unique permutation.

Credits
Artwork Robert Seidel _ robertseidel.com
Music David Kamp _ davidkamp.de

You Must Not Fear

a writer's word - day title sunday

You Must Not Fear

Written by Anäis Nin

Post Created by Jennifer Kiley

Post Sunday 15th September 2013

 

abstract rainbow snowflake by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013abstract rainbow snowflake - artist jennifer kiley

Anais Nin
Emotional Excess
in Writing and Creativity
Part: # 2

You Must Not Fear

You must not fear,
hold back, count or be a miser
with your thoughts and feelings.
It is also true that creation
comes from an overflow, so you
have to learn to intake, to
imbibe, to nourish yourself and
not be afraid of fullness. The
fullness is like a tidal wave
which then carries you, sweeps
you into experience and into
writing. Permit yourself to flow
and overflow, allow for the rise
in temperature, all the expansions
and intensifications. Something is
always born of excess: great art
was born of great terrors, great
loneliness, great inhibitions,
instabilities, and it always
balances them. If it seems to you
that I move in a world of certitudes,
you, par contre, must benefit from
the great privilege of youth, which
is that you move in a world of mysteries.
But both must be ruled by faith.

— Anäis Nin

abstract rainbow by mark chadwickabstract rainbow - artist mark chadwick

Amazing Visions Part #3

lightness of being day wednesdayAmazing Visions #3
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Vimeo Videos Searched for Diligently by j. kiley

Post Created 8th September 2013
Posted On Wednesday 11th September 2013

Lightness of Being

I am dedicating this Post to someone who has been very supportive to me.
She has gone through a difficult ordeal over the past few months.
Life-threatening. I wish her good health & a speedy return to her life.
I want her to know she has my support. I was so worried.
Actually, frantic is a good word to describe it. She knows I care.
Thank you for contacting me in such a magical way.
Rising from the ashes is a true dramatic way to reenter.
Welcome back. You are looking great but oh my you went through it.
I know the experience well. Animals have been in my life forever.
They leave their marks in more ways than just to love you.
I can breath now knowing you are on the mend.
This is for you. Wow! your eyes. Wait for the fantastic images.
Be Awed. Celebrate. Be Alive.

Rio — Scientifantastic

BEST VIEWED IN HD, FULLSCREEN, SCALING OFF
Follow me at:
Twitter – twitter.com/scientifantasti | Instagram – instagram.com/scientifantastic | Google+ – gplus.to/scientifantastic

I was lucky enough to be sent to Rio on assignment to shoot some 4K and 10K timelapse footage for a major electronics manufacturer. This video is a compilation of some of the footage I shot there. Most of the locations are within the city of Rio De Janeiro, but I also traveled to the famous Iguazú Falls on the border of the Brazilian state of Paraná and the Argentinian province of Misiones. In 2011 Iguazú Falls was announced as one of the seven winners of the New Seven Wonders of Nature by the New Seven Wonders of the World Foundation.

RIO DE JANEIRO: No wonder the beautiful city of Rio De Janeiro was chosen to host the 2014 FIFA World Cup and the 2016 Summer Olympics. Rio de Janeiro, or simply Rio, is the capital city of the State of Rio de Janeiro

above

Timelapse / JAPAN summer 2013

FILMED AND EDITED by Suishu Ikeda
MUSIC by Mokhov “Dream Eyes”

Panta Rei

Panta rei is an experimental short film that mixes animation and live action.
Every shot is 2D/2,5D compositing except for the shots at 00:01, 00:08 and 01:59 that are 3D animation, and the shot at 01:53 that is live action.

Director / D.O.P. / Art director / Editor / Animator / Compositing artist / Color grading artist: Ettore Biondo
Soundtrack composer: Constantin Philippou
Cast: Michele Biondo, Charalampos Alexandris

Hope You Enjoyed and Received the Pleasure
I Did from Discovering These Marvelous Videos

And the Artists Who Were So Creative in Creating Them.
They are a Treasure. I Have Found Many More.
So Look Forward to More Amazing Vision Posts In the Future.

Meditation on Fire — Sound — Rain II

Meditation: Fire Sound Senses Rain II
Amazing Vision
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Illustrations & Sound by j. kiley
Post Created Wednesday 4th September 2013
Posted On Wednesday 4th September 2013
The Lightness of Being

The most amazing hypnotizing .gifs I’ve ever come across. It is difficult to look away. “The WoW Effect!” On my list of creative art I want to learn how to do many different kinds of .gifs. It has similar qualities to a mantra but with a visual focus for meditation. Include an auditory meditative sound and you are set for a hypnotic trip toward the Road to BLISS. Be prepared for most anything to appear.

I was inspired by a blog that set this post all in motion. Here is the link. At this site [Digital Hegemon] you will find the most amazing & unusual treats for all senses. The link I have given you takes you to a fire works display unlike anything you have ever seen. It blew my mind. If you are into it, it will do the same for yours. So take a trip over. Below this paragraph is an example of the .gif artwork of mattthesamurai. The one at the link I have given you is just as impressive if not more so. Hope you enjoy the visual as well as the auditory experience you will find on this post. Jk the secret keeper

gif matt_the_samurai_sparkles_Natural GIF
Created by Matt the Samurai — Sparkles — Natural .Gif

gif continous spiralsContinuous Spirals

gif balls in a maze little blue ballsBalls In a Maze

change by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

change by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Sound of Rain — Perfect for Meditation

Sound of Rain without Music

Sleep Hypnosis — Soundcloud
This really relaxes you into a deep hypnotic state & wanting to sleep & drift away.

Aerosmith — Dream On

Favorite Top Ten Sylvia Plath Quotes

Favorite Top Ten Sylvia Plath Quotes
Written by Sylvia Plath
Post Created by Jk the secret keeper
Illustrated by j. kiley
Post Created on Sunday 18th August 2013
Posted On Sunday 25th August 2013
A Writer’s Word

Fertility --- Artist Allen  3264x2397

Fertility — Artist Allen

Quote #10

“I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still.”

— Sylvia Plath

Quote #9

“Is there no way out
of the mind?”

— Sylvia Plath

Quote #8

“The worst enemy to creativity
is self-doubt.”

— Sylvia Plath

Quote #7

“I shut my eyes
and all the world drops dead;
I lift my eyes
and all is born again.”

— Sylvia Plath

Quote #6

“I talk to God
but the sky is empty.”

— Sylvia Plath

Pollock 32   733x432

Pollock 32

Quote #5

“Perhaps when we find ourselves
wanting everything,
it is because we are dangerously close
to wanting nothing.”

— Sylvia Plath

Quote #4

“I lean to you,
numb as a fossil.
Tell me I’m here.”

— Sylvia Plath

Quote #3

“With me, the present is forever,
and forever is always shifting,
flowing, melting.
This second is life.
And when it is gone it is dead.
But you can’t start over
with each new second.
You have to judge by what is dead.
It’s like quicksand…
hopeless from the start.”

— Sylvia Plath

Quote #2

“When at last you find someone
to whom you feel you can pour out your soul,
you stop in shock at the words you utter —
they are so rusty, so ugly,
so meaningless and feeble
from being kept
in the small cramped dark
inside you so long.”

— Sylvia Plath

Quote #1

“I must be lean & write
& make worlds beside this
to live in.”

— Sylvia Plath

Pollock 1 1949   864x529

Pollock 1 1949