I can’t go on feeling this way. One minute I am excited about feeling love and in the splitting of a second I want to die, to commit suicide. My curser was on the button to push the suicide hotline chat on line call IAMAlive. I just couldn’t do it. The person I love is so generous but she is so busy right now that I cannot add my feelings to her burden. Nothing matters now. I just want to let go and stop causing pain for anyone else and for myself.
Feeling suicidal is such a low feeling. It is so deep inside of the darkness of wanting to let go of life. Needing people is a bad thing for me to feel. It just fucks with my mind. I want to be in touch with the person I love but I am afraid for her to know how deeply I love her. She has changed my life but I am so fucked up I can not live up to what she thinks I am capable of doing. My brain doesn’t work that way. I lose my way too easily and then I am no good for no one. Who wants to love someone so unstable. Yes, I used the word. Does that satisfy my former friend who thought I wasn’t stable enough to be her friend because I just did not want to talk to her on the phone. I would get lost in a project and forget to call her. My mind made me forget. We knew it would turn into a bad conversation that would be too disturbing. She last told me that the woman I live with had an affair with a bitch who wanted to destroy my family.
How am I suppose to take that? The person that I love and only recently got to know I am feeling such intense feelings for her. She is not forcing me to feel this way. I am feeling this way freely. She is such a special person but I miss her. We do have quite intense contact but I lose the contact so easily when I feel the doubt. I lose the contact or I am afraid of it. That I am not good enough. That I want too much. She is too generous to me. It is better to die then to purlong the torture. I don’t want to hurt her.
What do I do? I just want to let go of all the pain and feeling so isolated from the world I do not want to belong to. I do want her to be part of my life. I am so tired. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up in the morning. If I say that out loud inside of my head will it make it happen. On the other side I am so afraid of suicide because it brings on death and I am afraid of dying when I get past the feelings of the need to commit suicide.
This is a test of the strength of my feelings. I want to commit suicide and then I write about it. It is real at the time but the feeling is being ridden out. I am feeling less likely to do it tonight. It is like playing Russian Roulette. One bullet and will the gun shot a blank tonight, Tonight it was a blank temporarily. Writing is the only way I know of getting out of the state of suicidal depression.
Sleep the best medicine and maybe writing a poem and a letter to the person I have such strong feelings for to let them know I am doing better and have ridden this on out again. “I keep passing the open windows.” Thanks John Irving for that phrase. It always helps to remember it.
SUICIDE SUCKS. FEELING SUICIDAL SUCKS TOO. BIPOLAR SUCKS. I MADE IT THROUGH TONIGHT BUT IT WASN’T EASY. I WASN’T ABLE TO CHAT ON THE IAMALIVE SITE. I CAN’T SEEM TO GET MYSELF TO CALL ANYONE. I DID WRITE A LETTER TO THE PERSON I HAVE THE STRONG FEELINGS FOR BUT SHE WASN’T ABLE TO RETURN AN ANSWER TO MY EMAIL. SHE WAS BUSY. I COULDN’T CALL ANY SUICIDE HOTLINES. I HAVE TO WORK ON DOING THAT. WELL I AM GOING TO BED AND WRITE AND READ AND SNUGGLE WITH ONE OF MY CATS.
Maybe after I wake up tomorrow, later today I will write a note to my psychotherapist. It doesn’t help that I’ve lost 50% of my time with her for the next month. I really need her now.
I am listening to Garrett Hedlund singing Timing Is Everything. It is all about Serendipity.
WELL I MADE IT THROUGH TONIGHT. I think I will try to include Garrett on this post. He is very inspiring. Goodnight to all those who read this note. ~the secret keeper~ ps. thanks ma for everything. you were so special to me with all your abuse. you made me feel great about myself.
Being bipolar without disorder. by Tom Wootton
published by permission from author
Published on June 23, 2012
Why I Am Against Bipolar Meds
The extremes both for and against meds give new meaning to the word Bipolar.
Many people say you should not discuss politics or religion with your friends because you might not be friends much longer. If your friends are Bipolar or associated with it in any way you might want to add meds to the list. The extremes both for and against meds give new meaning to the word Bipolar. The poles often seem further apart than the most intense debates in politics or religion.
I have been speaking with groups about Bipolar for almost ten years now and have tried my best to stay out of the debate. But many in the audience won’t let me. At the end of my talks I am frequently accosted by members of one camp or both. It is pretty clear that neither side even heard what I said and the only thing they listened for is whether I took their side in the only thing that matters to them. I didn’t validate their extreme point of view and they are furious with me.
In his song The Boxer, Paul Simon said, “Still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.” In my case they often hear things that were not even said. In their minds I gave a talk siding with the enemy.
I have always pretty much ignored the med controversy because it is not central to my message. Until now. I heard something recently that made me want to take a stand.
I have always felt it important to keep up with all points of view regarding Bipolar. If I am going to hold myself out as an expert in the field, it behooves me to be current with what everyone is doing. To that end I recently attended a video presentation made by someone from the anti-psychiatry camp. It was very well done and included many good points to consider. I better understand the anti-psychiatry point of view from having watched it.
At the end of the video, the young man who made it got up and made a few remarks. When he got to the topic of medicine I was relieved to hear that he had a more nuanced view than simply looking at all meds as bad. While he saw them beneficial in some instances, he proudly declared that he had been med free for the last year. This was met with enthusiastic applause.
The crowd became much more subdued when he stated that everything was going great until a month ago when he was hospitalized yet again for losing control.
Then the kicker came. He said he hoped to be off meds again as soon as possible and the applause was even more robust.
It all became clear to me at that moment. I decided that from now on my response when people ask my take on meds will be, “I would rather be on meds with Bipolar IN Order than off meds and still in Dis-Order.”
For those of you paying attention I just made a pro-med statement. If that is how I feel, why did I title this article Why I Am Against Bipolar Meds? Because that young man inadvertantly hit the nail on the head – it is not about meds, it is about whether Bipolar is in Dis-Order or IN Order. The pro- and anti-med camps are so obsessed with medications that they completely miss the point.
If you visit the sites that are anti-med or anti-psychiatry it is mostly about what they are against and not about better outcomes. They are not talking about getting Bipolar IN Order. They are talking about their opposition to a set of tools. They are fixated on meds and psychiatry instead of gaining understanding about how to function while manic or depressed.
Meds can be a powerful tool for minimizing symptoms. They can help reduce the intensity during the Crisis and Managed Stages of Bipolar Dis-Order and help you to get to Recovery where the highs and lows are reduced and you can function. Meds can play a central role during all three stages of Dis-Order.
Medicine can help moderate the intensity during the Freedom Stage of Bipolar IN Order, but they cannot get you IN Order by themselves. The role of medication becomes more peripheral as one moves through Freedom Stage to Stability and is largely irrelevant once one reaches Self-Mastery. There is no point in taking something to lower the intensity when intensity is no longer an issue.
The only way to expand your range is to increase your awareness, understanding, functionality, comfort, and perceived value in having highs and lows. You also need to understand how long you can function at each intensity level before it escalates. Medicine cannot do that for you; you have to do the work yourself.
Since medicine alone is incapable of getting people to Bipolar IN Order, the only outcome promoted by the pro-med camp is remission. And that is the worst thing about meds; those who advocate medicine as the solution to Bipolar Dis-Order can only advocate making Bipolar go away. They need the illness paradigm to make medicine the central tool and are unwilling to consider that remission is far below what we are capable of.
Once you understand Bipolar IN Order you see remission as an interim goal, but unacceptable and even foolish as an end goal of treatment. The central point of any discussion about Bipolar should be about moving from Bipolar Dis-Order to Bipolar IN Order. Medicine can be an important tool, but if it is the central topic it can relegate those both for and against its use to a life of Dis-Order. Statement by Jennifer Kiley ~the secret keeper~
I do not take psych meds with the exception of a med for panic and anxiety disorder. it wards off the feelings i would get when i would try to leave the house without them. having a cell phone also aids in pushing down the panic and anxiety. it doesn’t help with the nausea i sometimes feel, then i take a different med for that but that is a medicine for health not for f@%@king up my brain so that i can not think clearly or have the energy to create until i want to stop. psych meds for bipolar, for me, cut off my connection to my muses and the use of my mind. i go through the highs and lows of bipolar II. i have hypomanic episodes and then i go into a deep depression with feelings of suicide so overwhelming that i don’t feel i can control my urges this time. but i always do. i find a way to fight myself to somehow pull myself out of those dark shadows. writing seems to be one of the answers. music is another. it is at this time that i find it the most difficult to reach out to anyone. when i feel that low i don’t feel anyone would want to be there for me.
i accept that bipolar causes you to have extreme mood changes but it can be quite exciting when you are in the hypomanic phase. my energy is unending. my mind opens up to a clarity that no good drug could ever make me feel. this is all natural. why would i want to control or stop these feelings. admittedly when i go into a depression it is the most diffcult state to exist in. tonight i felt that way. i felt like i wasn’t real. what i did is write poetry. i expressed through words what depths of pain i was in. it felt like i was all by myself. that the only answer was death. the feeling of not being real was bordering on scary. i felt totally isolated. it is then that i cannot reach out. but this time i did reach out. i tried to feel for someone else instead of for myself. gradually, i was being pulled out of te darkest of dungeons. the pain of depression is a sweet sadness that my soul holds inside of me. someone protects me from suicide. i know there are manic phases that can make you feel psychotic and you break from reality. so i am not saying that everyone should chose the path i take. i just am tired of the psych meds. they don’t feel right for me. i took them for too many years and they never made me feel better. now i feel something and i am not drugged out and my body is happy to be losing the drug weight and returning me to my thin self that i was before i started taking what i call poison. it definitely poisoned my body. if they are going to treat you, then do it with natural medications. that’s what i take for my sleep cocktail. i have insomnia & for a really long time i took prescription meds to help me sleep like ambien cr. it didn’t help. it just shut out my dreams and gave me nightmares and restless sleep. now i take homeopathic meds with meds for muscle cramps for my legs and my panic med. the cocktail lets me sleep with ease once my head hits the pillow and i even have dreams that i sometimes remember. but everyone needs to do for themselves what they need to do. i don’t speak for anyone but myself when i say no psych meds.
Naming the Inanimate In Your Life by Jennifer Kiley
I just realized when I was on the phone with my therapist today that I haven’t felt depressed or suicidal recently. So I conclude that I have been hypomanic for awhile now. It’s funny how you don’t always notice when you are in the middle of hypomania. I just get over-productive and start up multiple projects. That’s why I haven’t felt sleepy and staying up til after dawn. I haven’t had therapy in a FTF session since a week ago Tuesday.
Pre-therapy day is when I usually go into depression. How this relates to a book a fellow blogger recommeneded, I am not exactly sure? I started writing this as a comment on her blog but then I realized I needed to express myself in my own blog post.
I have been wanting to figure out how to express myself more personally in a more relaxed way while posting the more personal thoughts going through my mind. I thought this would be a good start.
The book in question is Overcoming Bipolar Disorder. It is a workbook with questions to answer. I don’t do workbooks very well. The assignments create anxiety in me. Why, I am not sure. It’s not even any specific subject that causes the anxiety in me. I have tried books with work assignments in the past. From working with writing books that give you exercises to practice how to write on specific topics such as plot or character development. And I used a book in therapy awhile back on working my way through child sexual abuse. I was unsuccessful in filling out those pages with all the blank lines. Each line was like a hidden memory that did not want to show up on those pages. The writing assignments just feel out of context with the way I was feeling. I wanted to read but didn’t want to write on the demands of the book I was reading. Even though it was meant to help me to exercise and expand my writing abilities or to help uncover buried memories and feelings.
I plan on checking this book Overcoming Bipolar Disorderout at amazon to look inside it. If it looks like I can handle doing it, I will work on whether I have the money in my budget to afford it. I have been spending quite a bit lately and need to fill up the coffers again before spending on anything beyond mp3 downloads or inexpensive ebooks for my new Kindle Touch. The book on Amazon.com is $14.78 before shipping and not surprising it is not available in Kindle. Still need to take a look inside but dinner is calling. Will report back on that later after eating and viewing some television.
Which brings me to all that goes on with techno gadgets in my presence. I had a telekinetic meltdown within less than 12 hours of opening the package for my new Kindle Touch. On that day I caused the malfunction of my new laptop keyboard, the DVR, the IExplorer browser and then my new Kindle Touch. My browser had it’s second meltdown of this particular kind. It is always crashing or mini-crashing all the time. But this time it was like in Alice In Wonderland when all the cards come flying out at everyone. Well, in the case of my browser, a particular link starts mass producing its’ webpage by multiplying. It would keep opening new browser windows faster than i could close them. Yesterday, I actually caught up with this mass insanity but the first time it happened I gave up and put the index finger of my right hand on the power button and just held it down until everything went quiet. It was like a mental breakdown. In this case it was a computer malfunction of chaotic insane proportions. I am not paranoid but I do feel that I either have a gremlin or ghost that has possessed all things techno in my life or it really is my energy level when I am in an excitable state of hypomania.
I want to thank bipolarmuse who posted this recommendation. Even if I am unable to write down the answers in the workbook, I can still think them through. And the material found in the book may be just the input of information I need to read about. Right now, I have a stack of books on bipolar that I am working my way through. Adding one more will just be more of a challenge, to work my way through all the information that is available to me. It could all be very therapeutic. i did end up putting the book on my wish list. so i know it’s out there.
My mind is going through some changes right now. Perspectives are changing. I think it is a good thing or I am getting too confident. While talking to my therapist over the phone, I told her that my mind was all over the place and that I was having a difficult time concentrating when i watched tv, whether it was a tv show or a film. Maybe it was from a touch of racing thoughts, too many ideas, or too small a space in time to express them all. She told me that my mind kept being drawn to other things, particularly my computer. Even when I have it on hibernate, it beckons me. We are connected. Like I am plugged into it. There is always something that I want to be doing on it or with it. Calling it an it seems so impersonal. I name my cars, why not my computer. Technically, she/it does have a name. When you set it up they have you give it a name.
On my new Kindle Touch, last night I read a story from a collection of lesbian short stories. One of the characters, Olivia, a lesbian who is part of a couple, gave names to all of the inanimate objects in their home. Well, she decided it was time to do something about Darla. Her wife, Annie, didn’t know who she was talking about or what was wrong. Olivia finally had to tell her she was talking about the bed, their bed. She wanted to have a funeral for the bed. Somehow before the end of the story, the straight neighbors were drawn into the drama. The bed needed to be buried b/c for a long time it had brought the death to their intimate relationship. It had ended it. So a funeral was in order. The neighbor’s wife really got into the whole idea and suggested to her husband that they do the same thing. Her husband didn’t find her comment that humorous. To bring the story to a close, they buried the bed they bought from Sears 15 years ago, which was now the victim of lesbian bed death. Annie asked Olivia if she was going to leave her. Olivia told her that she didn’t want to. Annie suggested, “Let’s go shopping for a new bed. We can start over. Rediscover Ourselves.” The nieghbor’s wife suggested the same thing to her husband. He agreed, also. And she said, “We can bury our bed with Darla.” Annie kissed Olivia. “Let’s go in.” Annie whispered, “We can use Dakota.” “The couch?” the neighbor’s wife asked. “Yep. The couch.”
Now doesn’t that make you want to name inanimate objects that hold a personal interest in your life? It does for me. As I said before, I always name my cars.
I hope I am making sense. I sometimes worry about that. In my head it makes sense but how it comes out, that is the question. I think my mind is going on like this b/c I didn’t think I was going to be seeing my therapist until next Tuesday. So when my s/o told me, as I woke up at 2pm today, that my therapist wanted to see me tomorrow, Thursday, and that I was to call her to confirm. I actually wasn’t prepared for that. So now my mind is having a slight meltdown b/c I wasn’t able to prepare for any of this. Compulsive much. I need to organize obsessively and know what is going on ahead of time, long before anything happens, especially outside of the house. It’s the agoraphobia. No surprises. Always need to be prepared. Are these some of the effects of bipolat or am I just adding a different diagnosis to my collection?
hours ago i wrote the above post and was doing just fine, then life happened to me. i fell off the edge into a deep dark hole. i felt the depth of depression and suicide. where this came from, i am not sure. i did say the day before i see my therapist i always seem to get into a funk. i’ve been productive the whole time i have been feeling like dying. i just wanted to let go. i was collecting old books from online, that were written long before my life and anyone else alive today. shakespeare, at least my favorites, which are most of the plays and the sonnets. what is the matter with me? why does this keep on happening? earlier, my s/o told me that I need some kind of medication b/c I was so high. so happy.
i don’t want meds. since getting rid of them, my body is getting back to normal. i like being high but i almost hate being depressed. i was listening to Amy Winehouse, Adele, Whitney Houston, Classical, Lifehouse, Josh Groban and an assortment of other songs. i kept thinking about dying or being dead. this is way too drastic. if going to therapy makes me feel this way, what would happen if i didn’t go. was i actually happy at the thought of not having to go and rip open my insides. i received great news this week. it made me feel incredibly high. so what knocked me off the mountain top? i can’t say any more. i need to go to bed. it’s 4am and i need to get out of bed by 11am. let’s see what happens tomorrow.
Research Explores the Positives of Bipolar Disorder
found in Science News:… from universities, journals, and other research organizations
ScienceDaily (May 3, 2012) — The problems of living with bipolar have been well documented, but a new study by Lancaster University has captured the views of those who also report highly-valued, positive experiences of living with the condition.
Researchers at Lancaster’s Spectrum Centre, which is dedicated to the study of bipolar disorder, interviewed and recorded their views of ten people with a bipolar diagnosis, aged between 24 and 57. Participants in the study reported a number of perceived benefits to the condition ranging from to sharper senses to increased productivity.
The research was designed to explore growing evidence that some people with bipolar value their experiences and in some cases would prefer not to be without the condition.
Participants described a wide range of experiences and internal states that they believed they felt to a far greater intensity than those without the condition. These included increased perceptual sensitivity, creativity, focus and clarity of thought.
Some held (or had previously held) high functioning professional jobs or had been studying for higher level qualifications. They described in detail how they experienced times when tasks that are usually quite difficult or time consuming, would feel incredibly easy and the ability to achieve at a high level during these times was clearly immensely rewarding.
Others expressed the view that they felt ‘lucky’ or even ‘blessed’ to have the condition.
Alan, (not his real name) one of the interviewees, said: “It’s almost as if it opens up something in the brain that isn’t otherwise there, and I see colour much more vividly than I used to……So I think that my access to music and art are something for which I’m grateful to bipolar for enhancing. It’s almost as if it’s a magnifying glass that sits between that and myself.”
Researchers even found some people with bipolar reaped positive experiences from their lows such as greater empathy with the suffering of others.
Dr Fiona Lobban, who led the study, said: “Bipolar Disorder is generally seen as a severe and enduring mental illness with serious negative consequences for the people with this diagnosis and their friends and family. For some people this is very much the case. Research shows that long term unemployment rates are high, relationships are marred by high levels of burden on family and friends and quality of life is often poor. High rates of drug and alcohol misuse are reported for people with this diagnosis and suicide rates are twenty times that of the general population.
“However, despite all these factors researchers and clinicians are aware that some aspects of bipolar experiences are also highly valued by some people. We wanted to find out what these positive experiences were.
“People were very keen to take part in this study and express views which some felt had to be hidden from the medical profession.
“It is really important that we learn more about the positives of bipolar as focusing only on negative aspects paints a very biased picture that perpetuates the view of bipolar as a wholly negative experience. If we fail to explore the positives of bipolar we also fail to understand the ambivalence of some people towards treatment.”
Rita Long from Stockport was not part of the study but can identify with its findings. She was 40 when she was diagnosed with the condition but from her school days she was aware that she experienced the world differently to her twin sister.
“We were making Christmas cakes at school and I was so interested and excited by it and my sister says she remembers watching me and thinking, ‘I really wish I could get that excited about making a Christmas cake’. I noticed things, experienced them with a different level of intensity, we’d be on a walk and I’d be saying look at the colour of this, and my sister would be saying, ‘It’s just a berry’. Socially too, people with bipolar can be quite quick witted, humorous. Until much later in life I just presumed those things were part of my personality.
“I don’t want to underestimate how difficult the bad times can be that some people go through with bipolar but at the same time I feel very passionate about the positives. If we are going to move on as a society — in academia, in business, in entertainment — we need people who will push boundaries. People with bipolar can do that.”
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Story Source:
The above story is reprinted from materials provided by Lancaster University, via AlphaGalileo.
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Journal Reference:
1.Fiona Lobban, Katherine Taylor, Craig Murray, Steven Jones. Bipolar Disorder is a two-edged sword: a qualitative study to understand the positive edge. Journal of Affective Disorders, 2012; DOI: 10.1016/j.jad.2012.03.001
“normal” vs. “bipolar” = “stigma” by jennifer kiley
a symbol for support and caring
i started writing a response to a comment on my blog and it turned out longer then i expected and i turned it into a post. what they said so inspired me that i ended up with this post, talking about “normal” vs “bipolar” or “mentally ill” is something that cannot be measured. and how we are exhibited in films and on tv is such an exaggeration. that is why society cannot see who we are who have a psych chart with one or multiple diagnoses.
i will not allow someone to judge me b/c of what my chart says. if someone wants to judge then i don’t feel that they are the kind of person i would want in my life. it may be hard for those in our life to deal with the effects of our diagnosis/es but that’s what therapy is for, to learn how to adjust. if someone loves you they will be willing to work on understanding. and adjust as you adjust to the effects of your bipolar or whatever your diagnosis might be. i know it isn’t easy for them but it isn’t easy for us either. there really isn’t any such thing as “normal.”
when i was a teenager and started private therapy, it was one of the best days of my life. i found someone who wanted to help me understand who i am. at that time, i was always worried that i would go crazy. what put that into my head, i am not sure. shortly after starting in therapy my younger brother had a nervous breakdown. that didn’t help with what was going on inside my mind. where did i get the notion that i could go crazy?
sometimes it feels that way for everyone it’s called being stressed out
i really don’t remember but i do know i always felt so outside of all the people around me. my family was really f@cked up. this i recognized. when i was still a teenager my therapist helped me to get it together enough to move out of their house. at that time in therapy, i was just dealing with the trauma of my childhood. the idea of labeling what was wrong with me never came up. since then, however, i have been given so many different labels, but none of them was “normal.”
sylvia plath
i would say it was easier to understand myself when i knew “why” and “what” was going on inside of me. labels may cause someone to be “stigmatized” by society but for me it helped me to understand myself more clearly. when i found out long after i was given the diagnosis of bipolar, at first, it was quite a shock, but then i read as many books and articles on it. i think i was lucky b/c the first book i read was “Touching Fire,” written by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison. it’s a brilliant book and talks all about the creative/artistic temperament of someone with bipolar. she examines the lives of famous artists, writers, poets, musicians who were bipolar. it effected me in a good way and made it easier to accept having bipolar. it puts one in good company.
virginia woolf (1902)
maybe i have a grandiose attitude, but i say f@ck you to those in society that don’t try to understand the differences of every human on this planet. to judge someone for whatever reason, is not right. when i finally realized i was a lesbian, i was stunned at first, then accepting, then i freaked out and wanted to commit suicide but eventually i found that acceptance of myself again and felt overjoyed that i was GAY. the same kind of acceptance has come with everything in my life, even my psych diagnoses.
edgar allen poe
am i overjoyed to get so depressed that all i want to do is die? NO! but then i know how creative i am able to be when i am in a hypomanic state. my partner may be driven a touch crazy when i am hypomanic b/c my thoughts come pouring out at the speed of light and switch all over the place. and my moods tumble out into anger or i will lose it for a moment and get into an argument. but i pull back as fast as i am able in order to get my behavior under control.
kurt cobain-i am an artist that uses words and music and the visual to express myself-but i hardly knew him yet was so saddened by his suicide and grieved his loss-my therapist could not even understand my feelings and now my partner does not get it-i think i felt a kinship with him-i knew his kind of pain-wanting and attempting to kill myself several times and in my thoughts all the time-it holds some kind of fascination and comfort to know there is always that way out
people that worry when they hear that you have a mental disorder, whatever it may be, should not assume from what they watch on tv or see in films, that if you are not totally “normal” or “sane” – what ever that is – that you will become violent or want to kill people or anything like that, have such a misconception of just what bipolar or any other diagnosis is. we are not those people you see in films or on tv. those are fictional creations and distortions but it is a large part of why the “stigma” is reinforced and “we” the “stigmatized” have to bear the distorted reputation in our lives.
lord byron-out on the edge and out of control
these people, whomever they are, who think we are “crazy” when we are just dealing with a disorder or illness like anyone who might have diabetes or cancer or multiple sclerosis. society accepts a medical condition and is quite understanding if they have any compassion. but somehow, when your body, where your brain is contained, has an illness that effects how you are able to function mentally, you are somehow like a leper, untouchable and too different to be an acceptable member of society.
stephen fry manic-depressive-well may commit suicide
in the far away past, we were sent to asylums, far away from what eyes could see. forgotten. or maybe, like in Jane Eyre, hidden in a locked room up in the attic. those days are past but not forgotten. we do, in our society, still lock up those who are “crazy” if they start acting different than “normal,” but b/c of health insurance, are released onto the street to live. unprotected and looked upon as the lost and homeless.
van gogh “starry night” c. 1889
we are actually able to function in many different ways. and are not a threat to society. all we want is acceptance and not to be looked at as less than anyone else that is categorized as “normal.” we are not “crazy,” we just have a different way of perceiving the world around us. we have our rights to be treated like the human beings that we are, no less no more.
pollock “number 8″
what we want is understanding and some compassion. not to be “stigmatized” b/c we are perceived as so different from anyone else. we are artists, poets, writers, politicians, philosophers, atheletes, musicians, psychiatrists, students of life, we are everyone, part of the 98%. the 99% and the 1%. we are here. we are proud. get use to it.
writing that letter to my mother by jennifer kiley WARNING: there may be some triggering material in this post.
i told my therapist about reading a letter on someone’s blog where they expressed how abusive their mother was to them. They, also, created a mother’s day card. at the time, i did not realize how i responded to it. i did write a comment on this person’s post but i didn’t realize exactly how much their letter and card had triggered me. my therapist asked me if i ever thought about writing a letter to my mother. She thought it would help me emotionally and mentally to express to my mother just what she did to me and how it had affected me then and what it has been doing to me my entire life. the moment she said those words, the thoughts and feelings went through my mind of a great chill and fear. conjuring up that woman and facing the past with her in my mind feels to my insides like more than i could handle.
i see my therapist twice a week, so tomorrow i am sure she will bring up the idea of that letter as one of the topics we talk about. it probably is something that i should really consider doing. it is really difficult for me to face my childhood. last time i tried to do that was in a trauma group. at that time i had a different therapist, one who i loved so much and who i lost about 1 1/2 yrs ago.
my therapist today was a co-leader in the trauma group. she told me that when i would read what i had written as part of our assignments back then, there was absolutely no emotion attached to my presentation, when we read out loud in front of everyone in the group. i was so shut down emotionally, that the words felt like they belonged to someone else.
in therapy, we have been taking it really slowly, getting in touch with my feelings. i have buried them quite deep inside of me. but if i am going to heal the damage i need to face the abuse openly and honestly. which is more than i feel i am ever going to be able to do. but, obviously, i wouldn’t be in therapy all this time if i didn’t know and want to do this work. i want to be healed. i want the nightmares to stop. it would be grand if i could live a life where i didn’t shut down everytime i got too close to being who i really am and to express my feelings without fear always preceeding them. being real is extremely important to me. that is why i wake up every day knowing i must do whatever i need to, in order that this day will have meaning. i will live my life with purpose and hope to find more pieces of the puzzle to make sense out of my being alive.
there will be enjoyment in the mix of learning and growing. and i will do what i love. that is creating and loving my chosen family which includes my partnr and our animals. getting to watch good to great films. reading enlightening words in books and online material from multiple sources. watching television. listening to music. creating blog posts. participating in the whole social media experience. and just feeling and being happy. getting beyond the down side of bipolar. never forgetting the variety that comes with being part of the living world. enjoying art in all its forms. enjoying life in all its forms.
monet “giverny“
A few days later i wrote the followng:
my next session, i told my therapist that i started writing a post on writing a letter to my mother, just to express my feelings about the idea of doing that. she told me she thought that was good but she didn’t want me to talk about my blog posts. she felt that i was avoiding therapy. instead she wanted me to talk about death and suicide and my childhood abuse. she felt it was time. well, i will tell you that she really freaked me out. i told her i still have that post on the preliminary of writing the letter to my mother but it is in draft form. someone wrote to me about this and expressed to me that healing is not a race. i totally agree with her. i know that i am good at avoidance but there are reasons. facing certains things can cause bad things to happen in my mind if i push forward too quickly. even the idea that she (my dead mother) will never read it still makes it scary.
two nights ago i had the worse nightmare and my dead mother and younger brother, who has been in a psych hospital since november 2011 for his bipolar/schizophrenia. he has stopped taking his medication and is in bad shape. he is the brother that has threatened to kill me if he ever saw me again. (and i am actively trying to find out how he is doing so that i might try to hekp him.) they were both in the nightmare. i was there prisoner, stranded at this awful house with no means to escape or at least that is what it felt like. is the thought of writing the letter making my dreams turn into nightmares or are my nightmarse trying to tell me something? how one’s past and one’s demented family can skew your mind from being sure of one’s sanity.
what the hell is sanity? does it mean you are not mentally ill? or does it mean you are able to function in this world with as little paranoia as possible. i know i am not insane but i have a hell of a lot of psych diagnoses that prevent me from living a relatively calm and uneventful life. does everyday have to have some form of torture in it to make one feel alive? when i say torture, i believe i mean feel anguish or suicidal or depressed or so manic that you get into a rage too easily at nothing that important. would you call feeling this way, being tortured? my mother tortured me. is that why i am tortured now. my father had the most perverted collection of friends that he allowed his sicko friends to set me up in order to sexually abuse me. he even forced me to be with them against my protestations. did my mother know? she said certain things that led me to believe she had some sort of cognition of their irreputable behavior. there is so much more that occurred in my childhood that i will at the moment reserve for therapy sessions. i don’t feel i have anything to hide. i was not the abuser, they were. i was just the abandoned child whose vulnerabilty was recognized as an easy target for any evil pedophile, inside and outside of our family.
there were no child abuse hotlines to call. the police would be too dangerous to talk to. one of my abusers threatened to kill me and my family if i told anyone, including the police. i felt isolated and alone in this living nightmare. i had and have a vivid imagination plus i am quite good at dissociation. going to fantasy places is second nature to my mind. maybe that is why when i read a fantasy book i slip so easily into the world that the writer has created. the land in the book becomes more real then the world that actually surrounds me. it’s also more inviting. i don’t believe you can die as if you were one of the characters in the story. you’re more like harry potter with his invisibility cloak.
there are questions that are asked of people who are gay or bipolar or both: if you had the choice to not be gay and/or bipolar what would you chose?
I would chose to be both. but since i have no choice i would say that the goddess predetermined my answer by making it so, without any request by me or asking my conscious permission. now comes the explanation why i would not reverse the process on either of these characteristics or manifestations of who or what i am. i love being attracted to women but it does not preclude having an attraction – non-sexual – for certain men, who often more than not turn out to be gay themselves or just extremely androgynous. being with a woman is more appealing. but it is not just any woman. as that would be true for any straight woman, it’s not just any man.
as to the specifics of bipolar and why i would not want that to be taken away: i embrace the energy and the creative side that often accompanies bipolar. the hypomanic state makes you feel alive with an unlimited amount of energetic resources that enable you to go on forever when you are working on a creative project. it, actually, allows you to work on a multiplicity of projects that fill you with immense satisfaction. it hieghtens all of your senses. your thinking, when focused, gives you an abundance of ideas that feel magical. and your muse is so generous with her participation in livening your imagination. it is better than having almost any kind of drug high that i can think of that i have tried in the past. it is a state of euphoria like no other. trust me, i have tried almost every kind of illegal drug. i must admit that hallucinating on acid or mushrooms were exceptional but the acid always had that drawback of bringing on a sense of paranoia. that really sucked.
admittedly, with bipolar, there are many deterents that suck also. the great depression that takes you down into the depths of the seven circles of hell. suicidal thinking is always one of the descending factors of bipolar. the actual trying is so close one can reach out and touch it: the knife that will open up your veins or the pills that will lull you into a deep and endless sleep where that melancholia of all consuming emotional pain can be silenced as you slip away into a deathlike euphoria of peace. but you don’t stay in that state forever.
vincent van gogh -”starry night” – lived his art & his suicide with manic depression
slipping back into the manic or hypomaic state there awaits you a rage that overtakes you without permission and is released like a cobra striking at it’s victim. the anger, frustration and irritability that slip in and out without a moments notice, then are gone. all of this is a balancing act with triggers that if you are lucky you may learn to recognize before the mood changes.
the unpredictability of the preditability of the mood changes: you know you need to be on a schedule of eating and sleeping regularly. if you take medication, you need to have that regulated also. you try to meditate or destress regularly. exercise is great if you are physically able. doing regularly scheduled psychotherapy sessions. talk therapy is quite helpful in working on the important issues of your life, past, present and future. in my case, my past has such a traumatic and dramatic affect on my life now that i need to unearth all the shit that i was forced to live through. sometimes i feel like most of my life has been like living in a constant trauma.
death is a driving force in my life. i seem to be haunted by people, esp. women i love dying suddenly and unexpectedly. i have had seven serious brushes with death myself through car accidents and near drownings. i have the best guardian angels one could ask for to protect me. and i have known and know some of the greatest people in my life. and have lived the most magnificent experiences. so out with the shit and in with the good. now just to stop seeing dead people when i am sleeping, esp. my mother and father. it was okay when my grandmother and grandfather visited me after they died. and my freinds visited me, some that had died but usually the ones who are still alive. those dreams i love the most. also, i have a tendency to have dreams where i am being visited by famous people in the acting profession. it feels quite real and we have the best of times. when i awaken from these dreams i am sometimes in a haze and feel like i am friends with the actors in my dreams. that is how real they do feel. but how real is life anyway. it moves time along quite quickly.
so, do i write that letter to my dead mother, which she will never read. or will she hover in her ghost like consciousness and spy on me to see what it is i will dig up from my memories about her? when i really open up inside, what will i find? if i write the letter then i will have my answer.
Caitlin & Will – Address In The Star this is for the therapst i lost who taught me tenderness and love.
losing her was so painful. i will love her always and forever.
Top Ten Terrific Things About Bipolar Disorder By Sandra Kiume Psych Central
1. Creativity. Visual arts, performance, writing, music; in all the arts bipolar talent is common and sometimes exceptional. Patty Duke, Ernest Hemingway, Trent Reznor, Sylvia Plath, many more. The link between bipolar disorder and creativity is well-established, though further study is needed. One research finding: as many as 60% of people with bipolar disorders are writers.
A – Z of Famous People With Manic Depression London Music Works: “28 Days Later – In The House-In A Heartbeat”
2. Energy. Not sleeping for two or three days without feeling effects is even better than modafanil (Provigil). People take all sorts of stimulants attempting to experience similar energy; if you could bottle this symptom of mania and hypomania, you’d make a mint.
3. Exuberance. Kay Redfield Jamison, prominent psychiatrist who studies and has bipolar, wrote the book Exuberance: The Passion For Life in celebration of the passion and joy in mania and hypomania. “Exuberance,” Jamison says, “is an abounding, ebullient, effervescent emotion.” And it’s contagious. Bipolar disorder spreads happiness; think Mary Poppins.
4. Lust a.k.a. “Hypersexuality”. Unlike Mary (well, we don’t know for sure), is also a prominent feature of hypomania. People with bipolar disorders tend to be dazzling, passionate and adventurous lovers.
5. Perspective on emotions. What goes up, must come down, and back up again. Viewing life and issues from both ends makes you more philosophical about the meaning of things. Would this matter when not depressed? Would that seem a good idea when stable? Emotions become illusory flavourings.
6. Proof of the biological basis of mental illness., especially this one (bipolar), but it disproves dualism in general. More scientific evidence and ongoing research plus personal anecdotes asserting internal causes and correlates of depression and hypo/mania (as well as some environmental interactions, it’s not totally reductionist) than you could ever hope to read. Hands down, no debate here, it’s physical.
7. Lots of bipolar celebrities. “Did you know so-and-so had bipolar disorder?” is an easy conversation starter, raising an eyebrow, implicitly comparing yourself to Marilyn Monroe, Florence Nightingale or Winston Churchill.
Video of Famous People With Bipolar Nirvana: “Lithium”
8. Depth of experience. You’ll not meet more experienced, well-travelled, multi-dimensional people. Exceptional and often unusual stories to share. Could be because people with bipolar disorders, so often adventurous, tend to be high-achievers and leaders with above average intelligence.
9. Courage. Tied in with bravado and grandiosity, at its most severe it can be dangerous risk-taking, but at its best it’s inspiring and heroic.
10. Depression. What’s good about depression, you ask? Light needs shadow, and the most profound understanding includes both. It illuminates the whole human experience.
Bipolar People Itzak Perlman: Theme from Schindler’s List
(The Nazis murdered in the death camps among the many, people who were diagnosed with Manic Depression.)
Itzak Perlman: Theme from Schindler’s List
In its completed form.
I read psych central on a regular basis & receive their newsletters daily in my email. They have so much information to offer. You can set up your preferences on what topics you are most interested in & those will be the topics of articles or blog posts from their site that you will receive in the form of titles to links with a brief explanation of what is contained in the articles. This particular article on the “Top Ten Terrific Things About Bipolar Disirder” I discovered through a blog post titled “The Beauty of Bipolar” written on wordpress.com on the blog titled: “bipolarmuse”.I thank her for the find. Reading this encouraging post on bipolar is quite uplifting & supportive. It makes the diagnosis of bipolar feel that all is not ruined in life, instead there are a multiplicity of benefits that should make one feel almost “blessed” but I am sure those in our lives would not always agree with this analysis. By Jennifer Kiley
By Traci Pedersen Associate News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on May 6, 2012
Some individuals with bipolar disorder say they experience highly-valued, positive experiences from living with the condition, according to new research by Lancaster University.
According to the study, ten people (ages 24 to 57) with bipolar disorder reported several perceived benefits in having the condition, which included having sharper senses and increased productivity.
For the study, researchers set out to investigate growing evidence that some people with bipolar value certain experiences the disorder brings, and in some cases, would prefer to keep the condition.
Study participants described a wide range of internal states that they believe are experienced at far greater intensity than those without the condition, including increased perceptual sensitivity, creativity, focus and clarity of thought.
Some worked (or had previously worked) at high functioning professional jobs or had been studying to earn a higher degree. Participants described in detail certain times when job duties were difficult or time consuming but performing the tasks would feel incredibly easy.
They felt the ability to achieve at such high levels during these times was extremely rewarding.
Some expressed the view that they felt ‘lucky’ or even ‘blessed’ to have the disorder.
“It’s almost as if it opens up something in the brain that isn’t otherwise there, and I see color much more vividly than I used to… So I think that my access to music and art are something for which I’m grateful to bipolar for enhancing. It’s almost as if it’s a magnifying glass that sits between that and myself,” said one of the study participants.
Some people with the disorder also felt that positives could be reaped from the low points as well, such as having greater empathy for the suffering of others.
“Bipolar Disorder is generally seen as a severe and enduring mental illness with serious negative consequences for the people with this diagnosis and their friends and family,” said study leader Dr. Fiona Lobban.
“For some people this is very much the case. Research shows that long term unemployment rates are high, relationships are marred by high levels of burden on family and friends and quality of life is often poor. High rates of drug and alcohol misuse are reported for people with this diagnosis and suicide rates are twenty times that of the general population.”
“However, despite all these factors researchers and clinicians are aware that that some aspects of bipolar experiences are also highly valued by some people. We wanted to find out what these positive experiences were,” she added.
“People were very keen to take part in this study and express views which some felt had to be hidden from the medical profession. It is really important that we learn more about the positives of bipolar as focusing only on negative aspects paints a very biased picture that perpetuates the view of bipolar as a wholly negative experience.
“If we fail to explore the positives of bipolar we also fail to understand the ambivalence of some people towards treatment,” continued Lobban.
In simple terms, yes. I believe everyone could benefit from a good friend to talk to, someone they can bounce things off of, someone who can give them advice and direct them in the best place possible. But we can get all those things from friends' we don't have to pay, right? Wrong!
Friends are great to have, but it's really not fair to them or their own mental well-being if we are constantly bogging them down with our troubles.
Yes, I believe therapy is important & this blog post states it very fluidly. Therapy has saved my life. I highly recommend taking a read of the rest of this post. It is so honest and well thought out. Great Post.
(The Diagnosis of Bipolar has been in My Mental Health Records for years but I only found out about it Weed Day 4/20/2011. Since then I have been having arguments with my psychiatrist regarding this diagnosis. She doesn’t believe it is true b/c I do not according to her exhibit the symptoms when she does my med check. She, also, told me that my last psychotherapist didn’t feel I had Bipolar. Yet, everyone else in my life, including my present Psychotherapist, my partner of over 35 years, and my primary care provider who meets with me once a month, believe and have witnessed my hypomania, mania, depression, mixed states and rapid cycling. I personally have experienced all of these states. Oh, I, also, should mention my irritable to rageful states and highly creative states. Am I Bipolar? My psychiatrist says that Complex-PTSD exhibit similar symptoms. That may be true but I beleive I have both of these diagnoses plus in addition several other DSM-IV dianoses. It is frustrating that my psychiatrist will not accept my argument. Her retort is: “Isn’t having Complex-PTSD enough?” Not if that is not a complete and accurate diagnosis. I have physical illnesses and I have brain illness, which are all connected to the body. If you have cancer, do you not want to receive treatment for it? Of course, the answer is yes. So, if you are Bipolar, do you not want that treated as well? Yes. I do not want the meds but would rather work through “talk therapy” & alternative methods to accept what comes with Bipolar. I enjoy the creative highs and experience the depressive lows and the feelings of suicidal thoughts. But I want to learn to control th behaviors and feelings.)
The following are Insights into Bipolar Disorder:
With added comments from myself.
Depression: I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless<. [I am] haunt[ed]< with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all<. Others say, “It’s only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it,” but of course they haven’t any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do. If I can’t feel, move, think or care, then what on earth is the point?
Hypomania: At first when I’m high, it’s tremendous…ideas are fast… like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear< All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there…uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria… you can do anything… but, somewhere this changes.
Mania: The fast ideas become too fast and there are far too many< overwhelming confusion replaces clarity… you stop keeping up with it &memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened…everything is now against the grain< you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.
Some people, however, never develop severe mania but instead experience milder episodes of hypomania that alternate with depression; this form of the illness is called bipolar II disorder. When 4 or more episodes of illness occur within a 12-month period, a person is said to have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. Some people experience multiple episodes within a single week, or even within a single day. Rapid cycling tends to develop later in the course of illness and is more common among women.
My Experience with Bipolar:
I experience all of the above and with my depression it goes into a deep dark place where suicidal ideations always eventually come into my mind in an almost obsessive manner and dwelling on the thoughts of how I will kill myself. Along with the feeling of wanting to commit suicide the strong need and wanting to perform self-harm is highly prevalent. Along with the hypomania comes the racing thoughts, becoming so totally absorbed in my activities of creating I let go of time. I do not eat. I cannot sense anything that is going on around me. I do not eat. I do not take any breaks. I forget to take my meds. When I communicate with my partner, a great conversation where I am speaking at the speed of light & I become so excited that I speak loudly & then as easily as anything I will suddenly snap & lose control & blow up into a tantrum & become what my partner will feel as irrational but I am not aware of how totally I have lost controlled & the last time I really got out of control I went into a rage & was shouting & screaming & pounding my fists on the arms of my chair. It takes some time to recover from this kind of outburst. I am not psychotic & have not hallucinated but I do feel elated by what I create & that what I am creating is genius. It may be so but I feel so high on the feelings of elation. Some of this is creative confidence but it can turn on a dime & I feel that what I have created is shit & I spiral into a depression where just moments before I am higher than the clouds & the moon. So I go from having an endless amount of energy and experiencing the highest of high to dropping off a ledge into molasses & getting stuck in such a dark dungeon of hopelessness and despair, of depression and suicide as the alternative to alleviate this overwhelming emotional and physical pain.
Symptoms of a person with Bipolar:
***Are in an especially or abnormally energetic or irritable mood (lasting four or more days)
***Feel abnormally self-confident or social
***Need less sleep or are more energetic
***Are unusually talkative or “hyper”
***Are irritable or quick to anger
***Think faster than usual
***Are more easily distracted or have trouble concentrating
***Are more goal-directed or productive at work, school, or home
***Are more involved in pleasurable activities, such as spending or sex
***Feel or have reports from others that they did or said things that were unusual, abnormal, or not like their usual selves.
Myth vs. Fact
The following lists highlight common misconceptions about bipolar disorder in particular and
mental illness in general.
Popular Myths
Myth: People who have bipolar disorder are “crazy” or “out of control;” they need constant supervision.
Fact: People who have bipolar disorder do not always experience symptoms; moods alternate and often the person’s behaviors and thinking are perfectly “normal,” or (preferred) balanced. Even untreated, people with bipolar disorder usually are not out of touch with reality, dangerous or completely out of control. With proper treatment, bipolar disorder is manageable and symptoms are much less pronounced, if present at all.
Myth: People with bipolar disorder have no discretion or use poor judgment.
Fact: This can be true during severe bouts with depressed and manic moods, but in general, people with bipolar disorder have the same discretion and judgment as people who do not have it.
Myth: People with bipolar disorder are violent; they may even be dangerous criminals.
Fact: Evidence suggests that people with bipolar disorder are much more likely to be victims of violent crimes than perpetrators. The most common violent thoughts of people with bipolar disorder are turned inward, as is the case with people who live with major depression.
Myth: Only Caucasians have bipolar disorder.
Fact: Bipolar disorder appears to affect all populations equally. This myth probably exists because Caucasian people are more likely than many minorities to seek treatment because of socioeconomic and cultural reasons. But minority communities and individuals in the U.S. are increasingly recognizing mental illness as an illness rather than a personal failing, and are finding that their communities offer mental health services that they can afford. This trend should reveal a more even distribution of diagnoses across ethnic communities nationwide.
Myth: Bipolar disorder is a middle class disease.
Fact: While people who have less money may have less access to health care in the U.S., there is no disease in the world that cares about how much money people have. This myth exists because some people do not believe that mental illnesses are true health conditions and that diseases such as bipolar disorder result from boredom or too much leisure time to feel sorry for oneself. The fact is, a person who has bipolar disorder needs treatment and cannot will his or herself out of having the disease.
Myth: Bipolar disorder is not a real illness.
Fact: While scientifically based information on mental illness is relatively new and not yet fully understood, evidence suggests that bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses often result from hormonal and chemical imbalances, brain neurotransmitter dysfunction and environmental causes. The fact that bipolar disorder responds to medicinal treatment indicates that the disruption it causes in one’s life— “the disease”—can be remedied as one can remedy the symptoms of many other illnesses.
Myth: Having bipolar disorder is a choice; anyone with willpower can control his or her symptoms.
Fact: This is like stating that anyone with willpower can control the symptoms and progressive destruction of cancer or HIV/AIDS. In other words, bipolar disorder is a physiologically based disorder that cannot be controlled by one’s will or wishes.
Myth: People living with bipolar disorder suffer all the time, throughout their whole lives.
Fact: Not true. Even untreated, people with bipolar disorder do not suffer all the time—but they do suffer. However, people who are properly treated can live normal or balanced lives.
Myth: Treatment is uniform, meaning that treatment is the same for everyone.
Fact: Because people’s biochemistry is different and because the causes of bipolar disorder may be different for different people, each person responds differently to treatment. This is one reason that treatments are thought by some to be ineffective; however, the truth is, most people can find a treatment that works for them without enough patience, and under the close supervision of a knowledgeable and experienced physician.
Myth: Bipolar disorder is a sign of failure.
Fact: Bipolar disorder is a sign of being a human being with a predisposition for bipolar disorder.
Myth: Bipolar disorder is a character flaw.
Fact: While what is or is not a character flaw is inherently a subjective question, the bottom line is that bipolar disorder is an illness, not an aspect of character; however, being prejudiced against people with health problems is a truly undesirable characteristic.
Myth: The illness defines the person. People who suffer from mental illness have no other concerns or interests in life.
Fact: Just like someone who lives with, say, HIV, treating the symptoms and the illness itself does take priority in a patient’s life from time to time, but with proper treatment and management of the disease, bipolar disorder (and any other chronic disease) takes less of a priority and the patient’s life becomes no different from anyone else’s.
Myth: Those who do not “get better” are not actively engaged in the recovery process.
Fact: No one can be blamed for the effectiveness of his or her recovery from an illness such as bipolar disorder. Many people work hard on finding the right way to manage the disease and continue to suffer the symptoms of the disorder until the best treatment is found. Assuming that a person who continues to suffer is not “trying” to get better is unfair and counterproductive.
Myth: The patient is to blame for his or her mental illness.
Fact: While incredible to most informed and intelligent people, some people still believe this myth is true.
Famous People who are Bipolar
Bipolar Disorder vs Bipolar In Order By Tom Wootton
A recent comment from bipolar advantage website prompted a great reply from one of our volunteers. I think he really put it in the Bipolar Advantage perspective. “Thank you for contacting us. You are certainly not your disorder, but you need not have bipolar in disorder at all. The argument you present has been floating around for a long time. The way we look at it is that I am six feet tall, weigh 185 pounds, am male, gay, and bipolar. I am bipolar because I have a wide range of highs and lows, which makes bipolar a description of me just like my height and sexual preference. I do not have the flu, a cold, or bipolar disorder, which are all illnesses, so I would not want to be identified as any of the illnesses just because I temporarily had them. I have Bipolar IN Order, which is not an illness at all. I am proud to be identified with being bipolar just as I am proud to be identified with being gay. They used to try to say being gay was a mental illness too.
Without the difference between Bipolar Disorder and Bipolar IN Order, it makes sense to lump bipolar as a trait in with bipolar disorder the illness. Bipolar itself is not an illness at all and nothing to be ashamed of. As a matter of fact, those of us who have Bipolar IN Order see it as a tremendous advantage over those incapable of experiencing as wide of a range as we can.
Although it is an interesting semantical debate, it has little to do with what we do at Bipolar Advantage. We teach people how to make bipolar work for them instead of trying to make it go away, which is not possible anyway unless you are willing to be a zombie for the rest of your life. It would be like cutting off your head because you do not want to be associated with being six feet tall (or have not learned to duck when going through five foot high openings).
…In a way, arguing that you are not “bipolar disorder” is reinforcing the false notion that bipolar must only be seen as an illness, which is a major source of the stigma associated with it and the despair that those with the bipolar disorder diagnosis feel.” …We do recognize Bipolar Disorder as a terrible condition that needs to be treated. Some misrepresent what we say as advocating letting bipolar run unchecked, but nothing could be further from the truth. Getting Bipolar IN Order takes a serious commitment. I often say it is the hardest thing you will ever do, except for one thing: not doing it. Leaving bipolar in the disordered state makes life hell for everyone.
I have started listening to the Free Videos of the concept behind Bipolar In Disorder. The Course is rather expensive for some people but I do not want to be dulled out with medication. I tried that and I did not feel like myself at all and I stopped being motivated to create. I just became depressed and stopped wanting to live. To have the creative highs is important to me and I move through the deep depressions with acceptance that they are what I have to accept in order that my creative self can live freely to be inspired and to follow my muse where ever she may lead me. However, it is important to modify and control the behavior which is detrimental to my well being as well as my partner’s and those whom I love in my life.
I hope this has been a helpful endeavor on my part to make aware the different aspects of Bipolar and the ways in which to heal while living with Bipolar being in your life.
Bipolar In Order – The Shocking Truth about Recovery from Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar In Order (if you watched The Shocking Truth – skip to 3:15)
