“Depression is a disease of civilization”

tell me a story

“Depression is a disease of civilization”

TED Talk Speaker Stephen Ilardi

Post Created by Jennifer Kiley

Posted Thursday 14th August 2014

 

Humans were never meant for this world. We were never designed for the sedentary, indoor, socially isolated, sleep deprived, vastly lazy pace of human life. Our genes haven’t changed that much. 

Depression has continued to increase. 

There is a need to have a change of life style. What did our ancestors do that we not are doing to protect ourselves from the overwhelming illness of depression. There are way to Work on Depression Exercise is medicine. It changes the brain & the body. But we don’t exercise. It slows down the aging process. If you live you don’t need exercise. What we need to be is physically active. 

Brisk walking is good. If you are able to. 30 mins. 3 x per week. We need Omega VI & III. We don’t eat food with them. EPA is show to work as an anti-depression.

Spending time with our loved ones. Our family & friends. We are born to connect but now we are on Social Sites instead of spending time with other people.

“Depression is a disease of civilization” - Stephen Ilardi

Dr. Stephen Ilardi is a professor of clinical psychology and the author of The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression Without Drugs. He earned his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Duke University in 1995, and has since served on the faculties of the University of Colorado and (presently) the University of Kansas. The author of over 40 professional articles on mental illness, Dr. Ilardi is a nationally recognized expert on depression. His work has been honored by the American Psychological Association’s prestigious Blau Award for early career contributions to the field, and his research on the neuroscience of depression has been funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health (NIMH).

Dr. Ilardi has also received several major teaching awards in recognition of his dynamic, engaging classroom presence. Recently, he was selected from a pool of over 2,000 instructors as the recipient of the school’s highest instructional honor, the HOPE Award for teaching excellence. He also maintains an active clinical practice, and has treated several hundred depressed patients over the course of his career. Dr. Ilardi lives in Lawrence, Kansas with his wife, Maria and daughter, Abby.

HAPPY 420 – 4/20 – FREE THE LEAF – LEGALIZE thee WEED NOW!!!

liberate marijuana
HAPPY 420 4/20 FREE THE LEAF LEGALIZE WEED NOW!!!
Post Created by Jennifer Kiley
Created on Sunday 20th April 2014 [420 - 4/20]
Posted on Sunday 4/20 402 20th April [4/2014]
FREE THE WEED DAY 420 – 4/20

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I <3 WEED

marijuana political-pot-power 1

I <3 CANNABIS

beautiful marijuana bud

I <3 HASH

marijuana_leaf reiki

I <3 MARIJUANA

primo marijuana buds

I <3 MEDICAL MARIJUANA

marijuana-fist 1

MMJ <3 <3 <3

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bg

“Medical Marijuana and Bipolar Disorder”

The Young Woman brave enough to make this video. In honest self-disclosure, she goes through the fate of using “pharma” and its destructive capabilities vs. the use of MMJ Medical Marijuana and its redeeming qualities in treating Bipolar and other Health Issues. {I feel the same toward “psych pharma meds.” They were so destructive to my mind and body. Physical illnesses were a result of the variety of pills my ex-psychiatrists prescribed for me. Now I am Licensed to use MMJ & I am slowly feeling able to eat & actually feel hungry once I put the food in my mouth}.

[The Speaker on Video Wrote the following] thanks everyone for watching. I was inspired to put a more full version after I was included in a documentary that will come out in August. I was nervous during my interview during the documentary, wary on what to share and how to share it, but I truly believe in the movement and I hope my voice is heard!

If you can find the time to listen to what she has to say on this video, if you have Bipolar & feel you are feeling like you are not able to get your Bipolar to cooperate with you. Moods can turn you into a child having a tantrum & at other times, you have the feelings that you could accomplish anything. I try to keep my “Ego” under control & ignore sometimes. I have a Great Psychotherapist finally. She gets me & was monumental along with my Primary Care Doctor in bringing about my achievement of being able to LEGALLY light up & inhale MMJ.

It is far more intense & organic, so much more improved from what I smoked pre-college, during college, and after college. I was self-medicating without self-awareness that it was what I was doing. Everything was fine. Then I stopped smoking Weed. WHY? Haven’t a real clue on that one.

I then started being given prescriptions for any new anti-depressant which would cost a fortune. So for over a decade I consumed anti-depressants without mood stabilizers. [Mood Stabilizers are a must with Anti-Depressants or they can set off Bipolar Moods such as Depression or Mania, which eventually lead you to crashing from your manic high and falling into the pit of Hell with the Darkest Depression and the Heightened Mood of Feeling Suicidal.] It was bad enough the anti-depressants caused me to be depressed but I was feeling suicidal almost constantly.

They also forgot to tell me I had this brain misfiring problem called Bipolar, probably since I was a young kid. All the Bipolar evidence presented itself when I was a young child. I can see them all written in gold now. I was given my mental health chart by my psychotherapist. I asked her if I could see it. [I didn't know I could see my MH Chart any time]. The woman I am seeing now. We discovered together what my shrinks had been trying to hide from me all those many years of feeling suicidal & almost succeeding on several occasions.

The day I recieved the truth was on 4/20 three years ago exactly TODAY 4/20/14. And I started smoking MMJ on the 20th of December 2013. That would be 32 months from the day I discovered my diagnosis until I was able to light up my first bowl of Pure Sativa Afghan Kush Medical Marijuana LEGALLY. Prior to that evening, to LEGALLY PURCHASE Medical Marijuana that same day but in the later afternoon.

That evening was the first time I felt good in forever. Before I inhaled the MMJ, I felt awful. I had four surgeries in less than a year in 2013. I was sick to my stomach. I was in pain. I hadn’t been able to eat in a very long time. I had no appetite. Would forget to eat. I just didn’t think of food. The thought of food made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t sleep. I was losing weight way too fast. I felt like I was dying & I do not exaggerate when I make that statement. “Miracle” Marijuana/Weed has saved my life.

I still have set backs & forget to smoke before I go to the kitchen. Entering our kitchen makes me feel extremely nauseous anytime I enter it unless I have smoked some MMJ. It is amazing what MMJ is doing for me. If you can’t smoke it, there are many ways to ingest the MMJ. Just ask your Doctor or contact your state government offices. Find out whether your location has access to Medical Marijuana that is LEGALLY okay to possess and smoke. Be sure to find out how much MMJ you are allowed to have in your possession at any given time & where you are permitted to smoke it. Right now the laws are pretty strict.

Hopefully, the laws will loosen up once Marijuana is closer to being completely LEGALIZED!!! —Jkm 2014 on 420 4/20

FREE THE LEAF – LEGALIZE MARIJUANA NOW!!! – CANNABIS WAS GIVEN TO US FREE IN NATURE TO HELP US HEAL!!!

Latest Entry for ‘the secret keeper’ page BIPOLAR & MEDICAL MARIJUANA MMJ – CLICK ON LINK

Private Writings: Chapters #57 — Whenever I Want You

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #57 – Whenever I Want You

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 15th April 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.

Private Writings: Chapter #57 — Whenever I Want You

[Madison's Fourth Week Being Held at Redcliff Psychiatric Institute After a Failed Suicide Attempt...]

Tuesday 7th October 2008

Dear Annie,

Writings from my own “A Writer’s Diary,” while I am inside Redcliff Psychiatric Institute. It is the best way to keep track of what is going on. I want evidence if they fuck me up more than I already am. So far they haven’t forced any pharma meds on me, and they won’t allow me access to my Medical Marijuana either, even though I am licensed to legally use it as a medication to treat health issues and as my psych meds. I stopped taking pharma except for Klonopin. Getting off of that feels almost as bad as I imagine stopping cold from heroin. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. My insides felt jumpy and nauseous. I was going from cold sweats to freezing than feeling like I couldn’t cool off. My mind was freaking me out. I finally told my doctor I needed to keep taking at least half of the dosage. It was feeling impossible to stop. Seems I am stuck with the Klonopin until my doc and I can figure out how to trick my system into thinking it is still receiving my drug of choice to killing myself.

Jamie, my sweet friend, with whom I am wickedly crushing on, saved my life. Not so sure I’ve decided yet to thank her. Jamie blew my mind when she played Carter McLeod in my recent screenwriting success in “Brief Sacrifice.” She was excellent. Scottie told me the gross at present is well over $45,000,000. We made it for $17,500,000, rounded off. It has only just been released overseas.

It’s a great time traveling mystery hooked into Nikola Tesla. It has the edge of the book “Da Vinci Code,” but the film is tighter and more thrilling. Having a female protagonist is what makes it so much more intriguing. It gets pretty exhausting always having a man be the hero. Come on, men are not as brave as women. They like to think so but their guts churn as much as ours do, except society won’t allow men to show their more delicate feminine side. There is nothing wrong with a man being sensitive, nor a woman. Being a man in this world may have its perks but I would never want to be a man, too vulnerable in many ways.

A new day.

As usual, I went way off subject while writing my entry yesterday. Jamie’s visit was touching and depressing. I told her I thought I was in love with her, but it had nothing to do with sex. It was the feeling of closeness with her that made me feel secure. Like I wasn’t alone. I just wanted her to hold me while we would just lie down together and snuggle. More for comfort than something prurient. It was all innocent. Jamie wasn’t sure it was a good idea to get that close. What would Scottie think?

Scottie and I have an understanding. Nothing ever becomes sexual unless it is forced. I don’t sleep with other woman for sex. I have never slept with anyone for sex. The fact that sex has been foisted upon me by the desires of other people, is not my doing. My therapists have all told me, the sexual abuse and the mind and emotional abuse scarred me so severely when I was a child and the abuse followed me into my adult life. I have always been unable to stop an abuser. My fight or flight reflexes don’t work. I freeze when threatened by anything and I don’t know how to stop a person from forcing themselves on me.

When Sylvia’s drug incapacitated me, it was like living in a nightmare. My body couldn’t shut down. My usual escape route was blocked off by her cleverness. I couldn’t dissociate. She had me trapped. I saw and felt everything that she did. It was brutal. She was brutal. It felt like having surgery without anesthesia. It’s why I had to kill myself. What she did when she stole my means of removing myself from her abuse, it opened the door for all my abusers to gang rape me, beginning that night and ever since. All the things they have done have been flooding my mind and body ever since the night Sylvia took me hostage, paralyzed me, and sexually savaged my body. It was painful on all levels of sensitivity. Sylvia was possessed by a demon when she raped me. The time was endless. I never felt she would stop. In fact, she didn’t stop on her own.

Jamie broke through the locked door to my study. Once she was in the room, she assessed the situation and immediately attacked Sylvia and pulled Sylvia away from me. It was at that moment when James leaped on Sylvia’s back. He latched his claws into her back while he pinned her to the floor. James is a Savannah cat. He is enormous. His weight is over 40 pounds. He sat on her, with claws dug in while Jamie called ‘911’ and the three of us waited for them to arrive.

Where was Scottie? I wanted to see Scottie. She would know what to do. But I couldn’t speak. I was in a drug haze which shut down my motor functions, including my speech center. Jamie must have seen the helplessness in my eyes, and realized I needed help right away. She tried Scottie on her cell but no answer. She sent a text, hoping Scottie would see it and come right after seeing the text.

The police and paramedics arrived, one after the other. That caught Scottie’s attention from their party. She had no idea what the fuck was going on. She followed them to where I was. Jamie had given instructions to the ‘911’ operator. Once Scottie was in my study, she looked around in a stunned fashion and asked Jamie, “What the Hell is going on here? What happened to Madison?”

Jamie explained it as much as she could figure out. Sylvia drugged Madison. She told Scottie the study door was locked and when I didn’t answer. Jamie thought that was too odd so she broke down the door. What she saw was so disturbing, she told Scottie she couldn’t describe it, except to say that Sylvia was literally raping me. She said, I was silent. I appeared unable to speak at all.

Scottie rushed over to me. I was being attended to by the paramedics. They were taking my vitals. My pulse and heartbeat were extremely slow. They called into the ER of the nearest hospital. They told the doctor on call, they had a patient who had a weak and thready pulse. They were concerned it may be a drug overdose but not self-administered. Instead the paramedic told the doctor, she felt the patient was in shock from the effects of the drug. Also, the patient had undergone a situation where she was forcibly raped by another woman who used objects, which visibly were covered in blood, that would have cause internal injuries, possibly tearing the flesh.

The paramedic went on to describe the patient, me, that I had severe cuts on my body that were still bleeding. Other bleeding came from wounds within my mouth, and internally from inside my vaginal area. How deep the injuries were could not be detected in the field. The patient needed immediate ultrasound.

I heard what she was saying to the doctor at the ER and felt like I was in a movie theatre hearing a scene after a battle in a war zone.

The female paramedic kept giving the doctor information. She told the doctor they did not know how the drug was administered or specifically what the drug was or whether there was only one drug used. Scottie was hearing all this as she stared into my eyes. I could see her tears. She held my hand and kept squeezing it as the paramedics worked on me. Her hand felt good holding mine. It took me away from the circus going on around me.

The doctor ordered the paramedics to rush me immediately to the ER for tests and to start flushing the drugs out of my system. Once that was achieved, they would do further tests to see what kind of physical damage was caused due to the attack and rape.

The paramedics secured me to the stretcher. Once it was elevated, they rushed me out of my study, taking a route that would not bring me into the area where the party was taking place. They were trying to be as sensitive as possible and to cause the least amount of added trauma to me. I was a corpse with a pulse at this point, and a thready one at that.

What I could feel is my life slipping away. How long was I with Sylvia? How long was she using my body as her own torture victim? Time was irrelevant. It has disappeared. My mind wasn’t functioning. Jamie filled me in on all of this today. All that she was able to put together herself.

The hospital was not talking to anyone about me except Scottie. Even with Scottie, they tried to give her a difficult time seeing me. I had signed a power of attorney and a living will giving Scottie control of my health. This kept the hospital from blocking her from me and my records. So Scottie was able to find out everything there was to know at present, but she decided I didn’t need to know everything.

Scottie is a great protector but I needed to know. She felt I should talk to you, Annie. It seems she has spoken to you and filled you in. Maybe you can tell me more. Jamie told me what her perceptions picked up, but she doesn’t know everything. What really happened that night?

Dr. Virginia McKinnon, my psychiatrist here at Redcliff, won’t even tell me what she knows. Her theory is, it would be too dangerous to me to have all the information at once. She was concerned it might trigger an even stronger reaction to my feeling suicidal. The information would overload my mind, and push me closer to the edge than I am already.

A new day.

Jamie, I fell asleep last night thinking of you. My wish is for you to be my emotional lover. Someone I can have feelings for but who will not abandon me. I feel Jamie is safe. She is going to be showing up soon. After our visit, I will record what happened between us.

Later, after seeing Jamie.

Jamie told me she loved me but as a friend, not someone she had romantic feelings for. I tried to explain, I just wanted to be close. No sexual demands, strictly love, pure love. She told me we could talk about this another time. When I was stronger. It seemed it really needed a better setting than a psych hospital. She wasn’t going away, but past hugging, Jamie didn’t feel she could give that to me, even though she realized I needed someone to be close to me, to hold me. “Give Scottie a chance.” That is what Jamie suggested. I wasn’t sure Scottie would want to. Scottie was not into touching and cuddling. It wasn’t what she needed from me, to make a demand of closeness. Not really a demand but a need on my part.

I decided to tell Jamie to go. We would talk soon but I needed to rest. The truth is, I wanted to be alone. Not really alone. I wanted to think about Tosh. She had been on my mind a great deal. I have been having conversations with her for a while now. The reason I haven’t mentioned it, I thought you would think I was losing it.

Now I think it’s time for me to let Tosh back into my consciousness. She has been around, wanting me to give her my attention. Annie, you do realize who Tosh is? I know I haven’t really talked much about her but maybe I need to at least free myself to listen to her. At night, she comes to me when I am trying to go to sleep. I feel her lying next to me. It’s quite safe. She is a ghost. Not like she is going to harm me. We loved each other and were only just starting to feel our closeness. When we kissed, it was like magic. Time would slow and the sensation was deep and consuming. I don’t feel either of us ever wanted to stop kissing but life was there and calling us back to reality.

Tosh was involved with a murderous woman when she met me. As we grew closer, she broke off her relationship with her ex. That woman didn’t take it well. For now, that is all I want to say about that. I just want to think about Tosh as she is now, away from the nightmare that stole her from me. Now I just want to feel her lying next to me in silence. We talk sometimes. Tosh listens to me than gives me her response. I feel her energy touching me. It feels like a total infusion.

Maybe I need to escape this world and be with Tosh. She is the only one who wants to be with me. I need Tosh. I love Tosh and want to be with her.

I know what you’re going to say, “But Tosh is dead, how can you be with her, unless you are dead.”

That is one way, but we can be together without my having to die.

I don’t want to talk about this with you right now. I’ve said too much already. The demons are going to come now and fuck with my mind and body.

I’m going now. I have two people here who seem to like me. An older woman who tells great stories but has no idea, most of the time, who she is. Her name is Helen. The other person is much younger. She is a college student. The educational system has crushed her. She is lost. For some reason, she talks to me but no one else. I like her. I feel safe with these two woman. The young woman is an artist, painter. Her name is Lynne. I think Helen, Lynne and I could become good friends. I hope so.

Annie, you have to help me. I don’t feel like I am getting better in here. It feels like my world and mind are crumbling. My body hurts. The wounds are healing but slowly. There will be scars. What’s stored in my mind is “written in my scars.” They tell the world, someone tried to shred me in order to make me disappear. I reminded them of their inherent evil when they looked at me. She was trying to destroy me in order to keep from destroying herself. But she can’t stop the destruction. The evil will eat her alive.

Goodbye, Annie.

Madison

Ps. I may not ever return from this well of darkness, but I want you to know I remembered that we met one year ago as of 2nd October 2007. Today is the 7th of October 2008. Happy Anniversary. If it weren’t for you, I would seriously be gone now.

© Madison Taylor 2008

“I think writing really helps you heal yourself. I think if you write long enough, you will be a healthy person. That is, if you write what you need to write, as opposed to what will make money, or what will make fame.“ — Alice Walker

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

surreal spirit painting

Surreal Spirit

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Depression, the secret we share

tell me a story
Depression, the secret we share
TED Talk: Andrew Solomon
Notations by Jennifer Kiley
Created on 8th January 2014
Posted On Thursday 27th March 2014
TELL ME A STORY

Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share – TED Talk

“The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality, and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment.”

In a talk equal parts eloquent and devastating, writer Andrew Solomon takes you to the darkest corners of his mind during the years he battled depression. That led him to an eye-opening journey across the world to interview others with depression — only to discover that, to his surprise, the more he talked, the more people wanted to tell their own stories.

Depression. Grief. Sadness. These get confused.

Depression. When you have a catastrophic lost and six months later you are still devastated and unable to function. This is depression. “A slower way of being dead.”

You don’t think in depression you are just in a bad way. You believe you are seeing the truth. No matter what we do we are all going to just die in the end.

Depression is the family secret that everyone has.

Why do people feel a need to hide they are depressed? The stigma of having any kind of problem with the brain, unless it is medically connected, is such a misunderstanding. The brain is part of the body. If it is not functioning in a healthy way, it is a physical illness that needs treatment and concern and especially support from those who surround them, including society to find compassion and understanding.

Instead of taking someone who is depressed in a dance circle and working out the block in energy, we take them into a small dark room and make them talk about all the things that are making them feel awful.

Our needs are our greatest assets. Seeking meaning for depression. Valuing one’s depression. Learn something from depression. The opposite of depression is vitality. I love my depression because it has forced me to cling to joy.

Depression is when expressing emotions have been damaged or shut off.

Cleave to the reasons for living.

Depression is equal parts eloquent and devastating.

Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by NAME OF ARTIST
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 18th March 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #53 — In Love With You Yesterday

Tuesday 9th September 2008

Dear Annie,

Oh, Annie it was the wrong day to be out sick. If I could talk to you right now, you might be able to convince me there is a reason to stay alive. But no one, no matter how close I feel to them will be able to stop me from wanting to end it. The pain has become too much. It’s always there, on the edge of my thoughts. Whenever I let anyone into my life, or they take it over, they never fail to end up fucking me up. Literally and figuratively.

At least, I assume they are fucking me. Lately, I don’t seem to know the difference. Someone is out to gas-light me. They want to fill my mind with confusion and paranoia. The newest torture is to make me feel like I am making love with a real person. It ends up being a grand hallucination or they want me to take leave of my senses. I’m feeling like any moment I’m going to fall or be pushed over the edge.

I took a break. Now that I’ve returned to continue writing this letter, my mind has been drawn into the new theory I have been working on. When I returned, my mind was just trying grasp a new and different understanding of love. A few weeks ago, I wrote the poem “Too High On Love.” At the time, I felt like two distinct meanings were coming through. One was Pure, untouched by anyone’s awareness. A new concept, to me unheard of by human thought and unknown through human experience or awareness. It is on a special resonating level of vibration. The other meaning is on the baser level of a physical passion, but beyond the bodily response of even the most ecstatically realized sexual orgasm.

Where this will rest, I haven’t a clue yet. But I do know it has something to do with spiritual energy giving the appearance of being a combination of an electrical current transporting from outside our physical realm. It’s beyond our reality to explain. It either derives from ‘the Other Side’ or is being channeled through spirits unbeknownst the host, who has hallucinogenic experience beyond the most extremely awesome state of bliss.

That was the letter I started to write to you Annie but this is what I ended up writing after I took a break. It is very important for you to know I have been going in and out of feeling suicidal ever since the night Sylvia raped me. It is sad the courts would let her out on bail. She is evil and should be kept away from women and children. I don’t feel safe knowing she is out there anywhere. Scottie got a court order to keep her away from me. One of those ridiculously worthless pieces of paper that get people killed.

I am freaking out here. My mind is screaming out, telling me to kill myself. The pain is too much. I can’t handle the feel of her breath on my skin. Her hands forcing her touch on me. I have to find a silent way to block her out. Death is a quiet way. She can’t follow me there. It would frighten her too much. I am not afraid when I want to die. It feel perfectly natural. Death.

Here is the letter I want you to give to Jamie after I am gone. It is very important she receive the letter and the poem I wrote for her. Don’t show Scottie. I don’t want to hurt her. I love her, Scottie, completely. We are meant to be together. But I need something different. It is impossible to explain. Certain people appear in your life. Some are meant to stay forever and others are to teach you lessons. I feel Jamie is the first. She wants to be and so do I but she doesn’t understand how love works for me. I love intensely. I need a secure love and I need a pure love. They sometimes blend but usually are different from the other.

Here is my letter. The poem I will mail separately. I call it “Love Simply Love” with a subtitle of “All Is Love.” It’s Goodbye, Annie. I loved working with you. Please watch out for Scottie.

I write this note to you Annie, to give to Jamie after I am gone from here. Tell her I love her and will love her forever. I will meet up with her in a future time. Tell Jamie, I never want to say goodbye and that it is never a goodbye with her. Here is the letter I wrote to her. It is followed by a poem I want her to have. [I decided to mail the poem directly to Jamie, myself]. So, when she thinks of me after I’ve gone, she will know my true feelings for her, without any doubt left for her mind and heart and soul to puzzle over.  [This part is for you Jamie.]

Dear Jamie,

I want to tell you how I feel. Believe every word. I am not trying to run away. I just can’t bear the pain of being separated from you forever. After Sylvia raped me, it caused a deep change inside my body and my heart. It injured me more deeply than ever. It destroyed any hope that I would be able to love again. My body has betrayed me again. I can’t stand living inside this body another moment. What I feel for you Jamie, is pure love. I wrote you a poem.

This is the preface for my last poem. You absolutely absorb my mind and entire being. I love you in my words and when your words join with mine, they complete the love. If I could love with my body, I would want you to know the joyful pleasure of feeling whole with the lightness and blending of physical love. But I am incapable of loving you with the touch of my hands and flesh.

What I am capable of is to love you for your soul, your heart, and your mind. You are the most gentle of beings I know. To you I want to give over my entire being but I am unable to give over my body. What I am able to give you is my love. To hold you in the arms of my thoughts and feelings. I feel you giving me the magic touch of your emotions. You fill me with the pure sweet energy of all the love you share with me.

You my love, I desire. To have you in my life always. To dream about you. To hold you and sleep with you in spirit. To feel my self near you. To love you always in the way of faery tales where time is forever and ever after. To be happily ever after with you is to feel the love inside of love while in love.

Knowing I cannot have this with you, I decided I don’t want to be alive without you. Writing this poem is my way of giving my love to you to hold in your heart. One day we will meet again. In a different world, where love is freely shared.

I must take my leave now. My time here is up. If somehow I make it through trying to exit from this world, I will find you my love again. I will look for you and find you. I promise. My love for you is eternal. Never will I forget you. You are my pure love forever.

Love, Mandy

Goodbye Annie. I hate to go but I must. The pills are starting to make me feel really tired. I must send this to you before I can’t function. I love you, Annie.  I really do love you. Love Always, Madison @>-;—

© madison taylor 2008

Abstract Tree of Black and White by Mark Chadwick abstract tree

Abstract Tree of Black and White by Mark Chadwick

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

salvador-dali-rose-1958

Salvador Dali Rose 1958

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

Medicalmarijuana red cross marijuana leaf black bgMedical Marijuana

Private Writings: Chapter #52 — Waiting for the Fall

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #52 – Waiting for the Fall

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Alexander Segregio
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On Tuesday 11th March 2014

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
Not Suitable For Children.
All Characters Are Fictitious.
Anyone Resembling Anyone Living or Dead
Is Purely Coincidental.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell
psychoanalyst

I am the storyteller
using imagination fantasy feelings & thoughts
to discover self soul eternal serenity & bliss
but to most importantly
tell the best tale ever after upon a time

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #52 — Waiting for the Fall

Tuesday 2nd September 2008

Dear Annie,

We have a problem developing. My feelings for Jamie have been growing. Their level is rising to the top of becoming extremely intense. I would say it is love. But I don’t seem to have any idea what the fuck love feels like. I get a fix on it. It all changes up. The one I love throws denial at me. Negating everything I feel exists between us. Is she lying to me? What is real between Jamie and myself. I have been attracted to Jamie since the first time I met her. Her eyes locked mine with her look. That’s why everyone loves her on the screen.

You know what I’m talking about. Look at how your daughter Rainer goes completely shy around Jamie.

Why am I talking this way. Jamie is my heroine. She rescued me from Sylvia. It was so swashbuckling. Crashing through my study door. Getting the police on the phone. Taking down Sylvia with Patrick our cat. He was a fierce one the night Sylvia raped me. I am dealing with the reality. I may not remember it all but I know she brutalized me. After she drugged me with a paralyzing effect. Date rape drug they think. I knew what was happening but I was physically unable to stop her. She violated me worse than any man could. One thing she did, I hate to talk about it. But if I write about it to you, maybe I will be able to get it out. I will write it for you. But I don’t think I want to talk about it. At least not now or ever maybe.

What I want to tell you may drive me mad someday. She touched me all over my body, inside as well. When I feel fear, I lose control of my senses. The adrenaline is fired up shooting through my veins. My blood is pumping out of fright. She took advantage of me. My fear let me down. When she touched me, my skin responded to her touch. My stomach wanted to turn into Linda Blair and spit green soup at her. And a few spins around with my head to terrify her. Instead she kept touching all the points that trigger my sexual responses. Her touches teased the responses out of my body. Until finally she won. She turned my body around and made me completely respond by losing control of my physical reactions. She forced me to react fully to her touch. It is what a rapist can do to confuse the one being abused. It makes me feel as though my body wanted it. When I know my body wasn’t cooperating, it was being coerced and forced to have a natural release from the kind of stimulation that was happening. She stole my last connection to feeling any hope of regaining my ability to respond to the touch of a lover.

I  am mad with grief that once again an abuser took those feelings away from me. How my body feels is like a traitor to our self- preservation and sanity. My mind is going mad. That awful woman raped me and stole away the most intimate part of being physically turned on. It seems only rapists can find that inner part of me. The vulnerability of intimacy has been destroyed by force. Conquering my power and stealing my essence from me. I am a shell. Emptied by a brutality I thought was over. I felt I had finally succeeded in vanquishing my abusers from my life. My sense of safety has been smashed to pieces by sexual force. I will never be able to feel trust with anyone again.

The night of the rape, Jamie crashed in my door. She threw Sylvia off of me, while Patrick, our magnificent feline, jumped on her and sunk his claws in deep, front and back. He wasn’t going to let her go. She released a blood-curdling yell at the torture Patrick’s claws were making of her back. A certain satisfaction flooded over me when I realized the rape was physically over with Sylvia but the flashbacks and memories buried from my childhood abuse were coming through the barriers. Visually perfect clearance. My senses were feeling the walls that protected me, breaking down around me. I was hallucinating a slide show of what they did to me. The many abusers my father had lined up for me and the abuse the ‘shadow mother’ perpetrated on my body, mind, soul and overall spirit, joie de vive. I lost the battle in childhood and have been in therapy ever since. My therapist doesn’t think I ever will heal. I will just grow out from it but it will be in the foundation of my life, that holds me together. If there is rot won’t it eventually collapse? That’s what I feel it’s doing now deep inside me. Slowly destroying my self, my identity, my sanity, my dreams. I am disappearing in the maze of darkness. Trapped. No way out. Can’t see anything clearly except the past and the abuse.

Jamie came to me that night after her brave rescue. We lay down together on the floor of my study. She threw a throw over us. I was shaking. Jamie’s arms wrapped around me so gently. Her hand was stroking my hair. She whispered over and over, “It will be alright.” I knew she wanted to mean that but it wasn’t ever going to be alright. It never was alright. Being forced to have a sexual response when you find that repulsive is the worse thing that can happen when you are being sexually abused as a child or as an adult. This has happened twice to me now. Once when I was 10 and my father forced me to go off with his friend. That friend of his touched me against my will and his touches awakened a feeling inside of me I never felt before. What happened then happened with Sylvia. She forced me like my father’s friend did by touching me in a way that made it impossible to fight the way my body reacted. It haunted me then and now it is complete. The destruction of trusting my body and allowing anyone to ever touch in that way again.

It is driving me mad. I don’t trust anyone. Not even Jamie, though I may want to. I know she would never do anything to harm me. She wouldn’t force herself on me in any way. So why do I feel she has abandoned me whenever she goes away or when she is silent when you expect she will be there for you. Jamie is an exceptional woman and I love her. When we talked awhile back about love. She said it is possible to feel in love with someone special without it ever having to be sexual. To feel in love can be a powerfully emotional feeling that goes beyond a casual friendship. It is an intense spiritual bonding that relates on the level of pure love. The love in energizing. It feels spectacular. It can take you higher than any sexual love is capable of reaching.

I need this feeling of in love less the sexual element. Jamie understands. I’ve talked to her about my theory before now. It is why I trust her to comfort me. She would never put on me any inappropriate feelings that I cannot handle now, but then I never have been able to handle the sexual aspects of life, not love. I try to keep love away from sex. Keeping it pure. Real but without the Tantric side the bodies needs to  express with another person.  Working out rebellious sexual feelings one can do alone. It is the safest way to stop when you want to.

It use to be a desire of mine to have the perfect lover and to make love with everything flowing perfectly. It isn’t going to happen for me. The abusers, my parents, and siblings ruined it for me to be intimate with anyone. When I am close to anyone physically, I feel like a failure. My body takes control and shuts down. It will not open up again. The only way to have sex with me is to force yourself on me. And then you need to force me to do what you want.

It is driving me quite mad. All of this mess. I just want to die. I feel it more strongly every moment I have an opportunity to think. I try to stop myself from thinking. To stop my feelings. Screaming comes to mind. The worse thing is starting to happen, the confusion is beginning to take over my psyche. In this state, everything, everyone, everywhere feels  dangerous. Now this sense of danger surrounds me. My thoughts call out with words, ‘Please, just hold me Jamie. Where is Scottie. I need Scottie too. And Alison. I need her to be close now. I need to know no one else is in danger.’ My mind can’t think of anything but feeling threatened. There is no one I can trust. Those people touched us in places without our permission. I never wanted any of it. I hate sex with men. I hate sex with anyone. I hate being used for sex. Being forced to have sex. Having sex feel so destructive. It is an invasion of intimacy when it is not wanted and never wanted from those who force it on me.

What do you suppose it feels like when someone uses your body for their own pleasures, as if you didn’t exist except in the power they can overlord you with, knowing they can rape you anytime they want. Daytime. Nighttime. When you are asleep. Wherever you are. A molester can find you. They watch you. They know your schedule and your habits. Most of all they are uncanny at their ability to find you alone in a perfect place for them to force sex on you. Mostly, they just want to fuck you or fondle you. They take pictures of your body parts. You never feel safe. Threats are always made. Be quiet. Tell no one. Or die.

I needed to get this out. What I am feeling? Am I going mad from all of this turmoil? A darkness is coming. A depression like weighted pockets and walking into the sea to drown. Except I am afraid to drown, not to die. Let me die wiped clean of these memories of Hell and Evil. Before I die, I want to know what it feels like to be loved for who I am, not by someone who wants to kidnap my body for their own games and sadistic pleasures. There isn’t satisfaction in any of this, only nightmares.

I will send this off to you Annie so you know what is developing. Last point I will add. I am in danger from myself. It is close to hiding sharp objects and extra pills. But I won’t do that. Just in case I need to go away forever.

So sorry Annie that I feel this way. Even you won’t be able to bring me back from this mess inside my head. My body is ruined. I want to get rid of it so no else can touch it again without my permission. It is wrong to touch anyone who says no. No more wrong again touches.

Love You Annie. Please don’t ever leave me.
Madison

@-;—

© madison taylor 2008

tree sun moon swirl painitng

Artist Alexander Segregio

Somewhere In Time – Composer John Barry

Pink Flower by Tom Bradshaw 2013

Pink Flower by Tom Bradshaw 2013

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Le Chateau de Rocher

Le Chateau de Rocher is Madison & Scottie’s Home

play is not just play meryl streep“Pretending is not just play. Pretending is imagined possibility” — Meryl Streep

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Confessions of a depressed comic

tell me a story
Confessions of a depressed comic
TEDTalk: Kevin Breel
Notations by Jennifer Kiley
Created 28th September 2013
Posted Thursday 3rd October 2013
TELL ME A STORY

Kevin Breel: Confessions of a depressed comic — TEDTalk

Published on Sept 27, 2013
Kevin Breel didn’t look like a depressed kid: team captain, at every party, funny and confident. But he tells the story of the night he realized that — to save his own life — he needed to say four simple words.

Mental Health is a serious situation in this country as well as in the rest of the world. People need to come out of the closet with what they are feeling and what they are dealing with on a daily basis. The people around them need to show more understanding and compassion and not judge how any one person is going to behave. Television, the news, media, fictional films and stories, distort how people are who suffer from depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, agoraphobia, panic disorders, the list is so long the DSM-5 has over 300 diagnoses. Before anyone judges anyone, be sure you are not amongst those who have their own mental condition in which to deal.

I am bipolar and have co-morbidity with several other diagnoses. Nothing stops me from living my life. I do not hide who I am. It is important to be truthful to myself and the world I live in. Secrets only bury one deeper into the darkness. I write myself out of the darkness when I get depressed and when I am feeling manic I write poems, work on other creative projects, I create posts for my blog “the secret keeper.” It keeps me alive and gives me something to do that makes me feel I am contributing to changing the way things are seen and maybe making something new recognized as a possibility.

Depression is a serious issue and a difficult state of mind that overwhelms the persons who experience it. Suicide is often the solution chosen by those who cannot tolerate the pain any longer. It is a wretched state to be in. The darkness surrounds you and pulls you under so deep, you feel like you will be smothered by the need to destroy yourself, to rip yourself apart. It makes me angry there is so little understanding of how devastating the feelings are when you are overwhelmed by depression. How anyone can tell you to control it, you have not reason to feel depressed. It is as though they feel you have any control. To think where you are in life or how much you have or how rich you might be, should make it impossible for you to feel depressed. Like those things have anything to do with it.

All the treasures of the world cannot stop depressions from happening. If they are holding on to you, you have to let the depression works its way out of you. It doesn’t do it by command. Meds don’t always effect it. With myself, they do absolutely nothing. I’ve tried so many different pills and combinations, I got tired of my brain feeling like it was being held under sedation and water at the same time. The ability to think was null and void. At least with depression, if one struggles, it is a creative tool with great depth. If one is able to channel the energy of depression, the creative muse delivers gifts of such depth, one would not expect to find while feeling so destructive towards one’s self. It opens up a magic doorway to knowledge not available through any other source.

I am not advocating for depression. But using it while it is punishing you, have benefits you won’t find any other time. I would let go of the depression if it were possible, even with what is produced from within the depth of their darkness. There are things in the dark one needs sometimes to find for a better understanding of life.

So speak out to end the stigma. Help people to understand what depression feels like. Talk to everyone who will listen. End the oppression from the outside to help the depression inside of you.  by Jennifer Kiley

smoky light leads to center light of universewhite light luring the spirit away

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