Private Moment #75 “The Awakening”

private moments in paintings & poetryPrivate Moments #75: “The Awakening”
Poem Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post 18th August 2014
Poem for Private Writings: Chapter #75
“If I Fell In Love With You Would You Leave Me Too?”
Painting “Coming Back To Life” 
by Jk McCormack

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~ (1563-1631)

coming back to life by jk mccormack (c) jkm 2014

Coming Back To Life  Jk McCormack (c) jkm 2008

hands reaching out into rain

“The Awakening” Haiku
By Madison Taylor
10th February 2009

Angels clearing clouds
Blue bleeds out in naked sky
Lights glowing in white

Dancing rainbow hues
Dream in golden consciousness
Depths of awareness

Float up greet freedom
Liberate the flow smoothly
Enter in to life

© madison taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini - Composer Rachmaninoff – Pianist Maksim Mrvica

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p

“Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”

— Jkm the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

red-heart-for mj ghost 1

* * * * * * *

Private Moments #74 “Abandonment”

private moments in paintings & poetryPrivate Moments #74 “Abandonment”
Poem Written by Jennifer Kiley
Post 11th August 2014

Poem for Private Writings: Chapter #74
“The Return to Awareness”
Painting
“Far Away” by Jk McCormack
 

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~ (1563-1631)

far away by jkmccormack (c) jkm 2014 neg

Far Away   jkmccormack (c) jkm 2008

hands reaching out into rain

“Abandonment” Haiku
By Madison Taylor
3rd February 2009

abandonment wounds
cutting out contact no words
stabs deep in the heart

ripping tissues red
corrupting sight blinding words
what was never was

fantasies crumble
beliefs shatter in pieces
ending accomplished

© madison taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini - Composer Rachmaninoff – Pianist Maksim Mrvica

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p

“Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”

— Jkm the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

red-heart-for mj ghost 1

* * * * * * *

Private Moments #54 : No Restrictions

private moments in paintings & poetry
Private Moments #54: No Restrictions
Poem by Jennifer Kiley
Painting by Jk McCormack
Post Created 10th March 2014
Posted On Monday 24th March 2014
PRIVATE MOMENTS: PAINTINGS & POETRY

Private Writings: Chapter #54 — I Feel Fine

The Brain Processing Madness (c) JkM 2008

The Brain Processing Madness (c) JkM 2008

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

hands reaching out into rain

No Restrictions
Poem by Madison Taylor
16th September 2008

Play word games backwards
No restrictions has madness
Keen minds dividing

© Madison Taylor 2008

candle flame flickering gif

Maze

garden waterfall private gazebo overgrown 4pmip&p “Doorway to a Place of Enchantment”

*     *      *      *      *      *      *

“Creating is having the courage
to allow the seer into the private
moments of our imaginative lives.”
— JkM the secret keeper
aka Jennifer Kiley McCormack

*      *      *      *      *      *      *

Private Writings: Chapter #35 — Nervously Devoted to You

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #35 — Nervously Devoted to You

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 19th November 2013

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell, psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
my choice in form of storytelling is using letters with dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, describing my scripts, recent one ‘brief sacrifice,’ film is waiting for release,
psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, inspirations, reflective comments, the inner & outer workings
of the mind, soul, body, emotions, and bipolar—prefer mentally creative, or interesting,
or a brain misfiring; in the mix are abuse, crashes, near drownings, illegal drugs presently,
hallucinations, hypersexuality, time warps, finding answers to unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, the never ending need to discover my self, my soul, my eternal serenity, my bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #35 — Nervously Devoted to You

Tuesday, 13th May 2008

Dear Annie

I walked through the front door to the Ritz Hotel in Paris, France. It was magnificent. Scottie’s assistant, Celia, thought it would be romantic for the two of us. It feels so familiar. Everything is perfect. We have the Coco Chanel Suite. It is enormous and Celia arranged for exotic food with a bottle of Dom Perignon to wash it down. I noticed, she, also, made sure there was a well-stocked supply of real Coke to calm my stomach. Celia is a total sweetheart the way she takes care of Scottie, and me, when I am with her. Marvelous. We are going to freshen up, go down for some real food at the Ritz Hotel’s restaurant L’Espadon. Celia made arrangements for a late, late night dinner before we break open the Champagne in our suite. I am planning on filling up on some of these treats after a light meal. Until later, I am going to take a break from writing. I’ll wait for something to happen before I write again. Right now, I need food, drink and rest.

It’s really early in the morning in Paris. Scottie and I, evidently, slept in the same bed. After we got back to our suite, we took the Dom Perignon and treats and headed upstairs to the largest bedroom. I must have nodded off after we drank a few glasses. I did have some brie and crackers, plus caviar. That’s all I remember. I must have slept pretty soundly. When I woke a short while ago, I was undressed, except for my light yellow shirt. Scottie was lying sound asleep next to me. We were both under the same black silk throw. It felt like Scottie was completely naked. She usually likes sleeping unencumbered by clothing. I usually don’t sleep with anything between my body and what covers me either.

I must have been more exhausted than I felt and nodded off while we talked. That was really sweet, Scottie made me more comfortable. Removing all my clothes except for my shirt. She did unbutton it but thought better of taking it off. Maybe she was being extremely careful not to wake me. Or she was being delicate in order not to frighten me by making me naked. I am not totally sure how I would have reacted. No clothing and lying together on a huge bed. Our bodies were touching when I opened my eyes. We were as close as two people could be.

Finding my body was skin to shirt with Scottie’s naked warmth, I realized rather quickly, our bodies must have touched all night long. On our first night in Paris, we slept together. I didn’t expect it, but it felt good to be so close and my skin touching hers. The part that was the best, it felt good doing nothing but snuggling close together.

It’s later now, Annie. I want to tell you what happened when I tried to go back to sleep lying down again next to Scottie. I pulled back the throw enough to find the same spot where I was lying when I first woke up. I was being really careful not to wake Scottie. Once I was comfortable and close enough to her, it felt like I could feel her heart pounding threw her flesh. She was hot. My body started feeling the same heat. It was a little strange, the sensations, not something I was familiar with feeling. I wanted to reach out with my hand and touch Scottie. I wanted to know if it was okay to see how it felt inside of me to feel what my touching her skin felt like to me. Would it be okay or frightened. I wanted to know.

I tried to feel Scottie on her right shoulder from the front. When my left hand felt the soft, velvet of her skin, my whole left side absorbed what felt like an electric jolt that coursed through every fiber of muscle and vessels carrying blood. It shocked me. I could bearly breathe. My whole body slowly felt it was being paralyzed. I was completely overwhelmed by the sensations. Eventually, i was able to lie down near Scottie, but I was just far enough away that our bodies wouldn’t touch, not even accidentally.

I did manage to fall asleep again, but I was flooded with dreams and at least one distinctive nightmare. The lead presence in my nightmare was Hunter Marx. There is no escaping her, even in my sleep. In this nightmare for me, she is accepting an Oscar. It was for the character I wrote in her first film. When she seduced me, then denied it after I convinced Scottie to give her the part. She never got an Oscar for her role but she got buzz, a great agent, and any part she wanted after our film put her in the viewing field.

I’ll write more later. It time to get ready to head out to the set. Scottie doesn’t like waiting. I’m not sure where we will be heading. It’s a surprise. And no, I haven’t said a word about last night to anyone but you. No one can know what happened last night. Scottie, for this moment, needs to think, all we did last night is sleep. My meltdown is only between you and me. Until my body works, no one can know what I am up to. Especially Scottie, and most definitely not Hunter.

Oh, I heard gossip Hunter has been fooling about with a woman. She is married to a producer. Who knows, maybe she is finally claiming her true sexuality. Or she’s aiming for another part just out of her grasp.

I am going to try some wandering around Paris after I meet up with my friend Jonathan Stephens. Going to call him from the set. It’s way too early. He’s a night wanderer like me. So, he is bright and still sound asleep. For me it’s still middle of the night back on the West Coast.

I may finish this letter with photographs if I get some great shots. Be hopeful for me, and remember this is Jonathan meeting me and vice versa my meeting him for the first time in the flesh. It should be wild. He smokes the ganja, so I should get mellowed out with him.

Bye till I see you on Skype. I really can’t wait. I miss you terribly already. Au revoir.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I will end this letter in this moment of now.

Fondly,
Madison

© madison taylor 2008

ritz paris hotel plaque smaller

ritz paris Most Romantic Hotel in Paris Ritz
Madison & Scottie’s Limousine Drops Them
At The Entrance to the Hotel Ritz in Paris
Directly From the Airport

ritz L'Espadon the restaurant at the Hotel Ritz ParisMadison & Scottie Have a Small Meal
At L’Espandon
Restaurant at the Hotel Ritz in Paris
Before Retiring to Their Suite
#302 The Coco Chanel Suite

ritz paris 302 Suite Coco Chanel at the Ritz Paris

ritz paris coco chanel suite social areaMadison & Scottie’s Sitting Room
Coco Chanel’s Suite #302
At Hotel Ritz in Paris

ritz champagne glass paris Madison & Scottie Toast Their Film
“Touch of the Spirit”
With Dom Perignon
Gift of the Hotel Ritz in Paris

ritz paris coco chanel suite staircaseHotel Ritz in Paris
Coco Chanel’s Suite #302
The Staircase
Leading Up to the Bedrooms

ritz Classic Style Coco Chanel Suit Hotel Ritz ParisHotel Ritz Paris France
Coco Chanel Hotel Suite #302
Master Bedroom

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

flowers yellow white pinkish with green background of leaves for niamhFor Scottie Love Madison ♥

rain in garden gif

Time Away Fake Love Dies
By Madison Taylor
13th May 2008

Time away love dies
Risking soul’s disappearance
Pounding hearts expand closer

Skin to flesh touching
Lights dimming in deepest night
Feel fear awaken

Touching love’s senses
Alerts deaths hidden shadows
Tears at body’s flesh

Peaceful calm takes hold
Surrounds with protective spell
Haunting will subside

Strength creates safety
Binding evil winds flow warm
Darkness is fading

© madison taylor 2008

Closeup of Antonio Canovas Sculpture of Cupid and Psyche at Musee du Louvre in Paris France

Closeup of Antonio Canovas Sculpture of Cupid and Psyche at Musee du Louvre in Paris France

paris painting postcard  Eiffel Tower by Angela StaehlingEiffel Tower by Angela Staehling

“A Dream
The beginning always starts
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

jonathan stephens imaginary framedJonathan Stephens is Madison Taylor’s friend in Paris, France. 1st time meeting. Skype. actresses-with-long-hair-hairstyle frenchHunter Marx [taken 7 years ago in 2001 year of Hunter & Madison]

paris  Louvre et TuileriesLouvre at Tulleries

paris cherry blossomsCherry Blossoms of Springtime in Paris

paris beautiful building architectureExceptional Paris Architecture

play is not just play meryl streep

Private Writings: Chapter #33 — They Shoot Movies, Don’t They?

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings — Chapter #33: They Shoot Movies, Don’t They?

Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted 5th November 2013

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

private writings to dr. annie haskell, psychoanalyst extraordinaire,
my choice in form of storytelling is using letters with dreams, thoughts, poems, images,
music, art, describing my scripts, recent one ‘brief sacrifice,’ film is waiting for release,
psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, inspirations, reflective comments, the inner & outer workings
of the mind, soul, body, emotions, and bipolar—prefer mentally creative, or interesting,
or a brain misfiring; in the mix are abuse, crashes, near drownings, illegal drugs presently,
hallucinations, hypersexuality, time warps, finding answers to unsolved mysteries, infatuations,
imagination, fantasy, the never ending need to discover my self, my soul, my eternal serenity, my bliss

see you down the rabbit hole.
namaste! madison taylor

Private Writings — Chapter #33: They Shoot Movies, Don’t They?

Tuesday, 29th April 2008

Dear Annie,

You want to know how I met Hunter Marx. It was one of Scottie’s wild industry parties. Anyone who was anyone was invited. And our casting director was asked to invite potential actors of both sexes, who might be right for the roles in my new screenplay. This was back on 2000. I wasn’t wary of this party. In fact, I welcomed it.

It was when I first saw Hunter. She was sitting motionless across the room. I watched her for a while. She was strikingly sensual. Her mystique resonated with me. My feelings told me she was different. I believed in my first impression, which I felt was positive. I trusted it. I was greatly mistaken. Now she haunts me. She gets inside my mind. What once I thought was the beginning, of something special turned into a nightmare. The feelings of closeness we shared disappeared. She was a mirage. What I felt existed was smoke and mirrors, signifying nothing.

I was working on the script tonight and now, the pages are filled with memories of times spent with Hunter. If she could only know what she did to my life, what she made me feel. I cannot believe she wanted me to be so tortured. Coming back into our lives, knowing how she ended it. When I listen to what was our song “Come What May,” from Moulin Rouge. The line that kills me, “I will love you til my dying day.” I still feel her arms holding me. Her eyes looking into mine, mine searching deeper into hers. I missed her so much, simply because I loved her, even after she deserted me.

I was nearly destroyed until I realized exactly what she had done. I was used by her and what I felt meant nothing to her. Her desires were to get close to Scottie and I gave her my blessing to steal everything that was mine. From the beginning, her mind was set on the role. Seducing me, the gullible writer, would convince Scottie to give Hunter Marx the part. Scottie was the wise one, she didn’t want Hunter. Because of me, she did get the lead in our film, anyway. That was her goal, at any cost, She never wanted me, my friendship, my love, but a role I created and the bitch is it made her. Now she gets anything she wants. She fucked with me to get my character that I created. It made her famous and what she is today. A bitch who gets what’s coming to her.

And now she is back. Scottie cast her in my new screenplay, “Touch of the Spirit.” I begged Scottie not to cast Hunter. She just didn’t understand back then or now, why I didn’t want her near either one of us, then or now. Poison, not blood ran in her veins, and a touch of evil lingered around her soul.

Scottie knew I had a crush on Hunter. I was always flirting with the women in our films. Nothing meant to go anywhere. It fed my muse. But with Hunter, the strength of the feelings she brought up inside me, I never expected her to have such a magnetic draw on me. I think I became a touch obsessed, which scared the shit out of me. My attractions didn’t bother Scottie. She knew I was innocent. Scottie always worried I would be hurt but she knew they were an inspiration for my muse. My muse loved the feelings the flirtations created, even if they were innocent with no intent on action. Hunter didn’t understand the rules. She was relentless with her intentions and they were not honest.

A strong physical attraction developed with Hunter. Stronger than anything I had felt in a long time. It was in early 2001, when Scottie finally decided she was going to cast Hunter Marx for their first film together. Hunter’s first major film as the lead. It was still an innocent enough time in the world before the impending insanity that descended and overwhelmed the world.

I did have someone to turn to when I needed to talk outside of therapy. Jonathan Stephens was my long-distance friend. We started chatting years before that time. It was primitive compared to having Skype now, which we both converted to. Chat rooms were weird and I never felt really comfortable using them. But after finding Jonathan, it became okay. With Skype, though, we can hear each other’s voice. Jonathan lives in Paris and has a flat in London. An artist by trade, doing mostly painting, but occasionally, enjoys writing, jumping around in various areas, from poetry to prose, to opinion commentary. It all supplements his income, to that of being an internationally known artist with a strong following. Exhibitions, selling his work on both sides of the Atlantic, Collectors follow him around the world. And then those who buy his art because they love his work and to have the pure pleasure of hanging a painting of Jonathan Stephens on their walls. Those are the people he absolutely adores. Yes, he makes a good living from the collectors, but to them he is not an artist but an investment. If he could, he would refuse them any pieces of his work.

I love what Jonathan paints. His art is predominantly in Abstract, which is my favorite style. My favorite artists after Jonathan are Jackson Pollock, Kandinsky, Vincent van Gogh and a great Monet. Claude, of course. I must say I use to get Monet mixed up with Manet, not because of their art but their names being so similar. I was young and more naive then.

Jonathan knows every detail about Hunter. All the excruciating pain she caused me to feel and the whys. I even told him how she seduced me and made me hide my feelings for her in front of other people. Also, my hidden pleasure, mixed together with confusion, huge amounts of emotional anguish, and her convincing me I was delusional. That I had imagined everything that went on between us. She denied we ever had a relationship. That is why Scottie thought I made the whole thing up about Hunter using me.

Jonathan was the only person who knew the truth. How my soul was filled with joy from the kindness and love Hunter showed me. I felt it was real. It only demonstrated to me the evil content of Hunter’s soul. The treachery and manipulation that surfaced after it was over. Her coldness set in and froze me out. All I could feel was total loss and abandonment. I told every minute detail to Jonathan. My witness to what Hunter did and how it made me feel crazy. The Bipolar mood swings flying me higher and lower. Her presence in my life practically destroyed everything inside of me.

This was the beginning, when the agoraphobia made its strategic hit and thoroughly immobilized my life. Between Scottie, Jonathan and a therapist I saw for a short time. A long story, but the short version, she couldn’t handle the combination of pot and lesbians and a gay man all at one time. She had some kind of cleansing conversions during the therapy sessions. Plus she had to make house calls. It freaked her out being in a lesbian couple’s house all alone. She may have thought or felt being around us lesbians and Jonathan’s gay image on a computer screen was far too contagious. We paid her a small fortune, so it wasn’t the money. Well, after her, there entered Dr. George. We all know how that turned out. Of course, at first, I thought he had an open mind and was a relatively good Psychotherapist. He got me out of the house again, sort of, I would, at least, go to his office.

Tomorrow is Scottie’s wild cast party, before heading over the France. I am still really nervous about the flying. But, at least, I got some of my anxiety out on paper about Hunter. Our first head to head will be at the party. Oh, give me strength. I don’t ever watch her films. I would close my eyes during her scenes in my screenplay. I, so, did not want to see her. I don’t know what I am going to do if I react badly to seeing her near Scottie. And what if she tries to say anything to me? What then?

I promise I will behave and bring this letter to you next week, our last session before flying to Paris. It is going to be hard to go, more because I’ll miss you. I know we are going to be doing Skype sessions and you will make sure I have all the scheduled appointment times for the whole month I am away. That is a really long time. I will write to you. It will center me. And I finally will be in the same city as Jonathan. You may wonder why we have never met in person before now. I will explain that when I see you next week.

I am exhausted and need to stop, Writing about Hunter has really messed with my brain.

Thank you for listening and being there. I already miss you.

I will keep you in the loop in the new film and I promise to catch you up more on “Brief Sacrifice” in my next letter. Too much is going on right now to think about it. I will leave you a quote from my last letter to hold you.

“Time can be folded and joined with all elements in all places as the one ultimate moment when time is all at once. In this place everything happens on a continual loop following into a continuum of time forever into infinity. In the “Silver Box,” there is contained the ability to draw time into itself and create the perfect infinite moment.”

I will end this letter in the moment of now.

Fondly,
Madison

© madison taylor 2008

Finale Moulin Rouge I Will Love You Til Our Dying Day

Annie Haskell --- Madison Tayler's Psychoanalyst's Office

Dr. Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

red_flower_garden poppy field sunrise  pwRed Flower Poppy Field at Sunrise

rain in garden gif

Heart Break
Thrice Haiku
By Madison Taylor
6th May 2008

Heart break broke in two
Repairs are like Frankenstein’s
Stitching strings will pass on death

Electric circuits
Strikes lightning’s power preferred
Surging force toward love’s purpose

Awakens beauty
Life less in silence ending
Kissing’s spark brings breathes return

© madison taylor 2008

the red dragon black fire abstract robert-r  pwThe Red Dragon — Artist Robert R.

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

jonathan stephens imaginary framedJonathan Stephens is Madison Taylor’s friend in Paris, France. 1st time meeting. Skype.

Patrick is our Bengal cat in tree. He loves Scotties. They are buddies.   1612x1212 Patrick-our Bengal cat up in his tree-Scottie’s buddy

Havana Brown Kitten  Madison and Scottie's kitten One of the Two   800x600

Havana Brown Kitten Madison & Scottie’s. This cutie is Toker. He has a twin brother Mikey

actresses-with-long-hair-hairstyle frenchHunter Marx [taken 7 years ago in 2001 year Hunter & Madison met]

play is not just play meryl streep

Private Writings: Chapter #30 — Tea Party on the Ceiling

private writings to a psychoanalyst (c) Jk 2013

Private Writings: Chapter #30 — Tea Party on the Ceiling
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Introduction & Chapter #1
Published on March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM

Posted On Tuesday 15th October 2013

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

I am writing to Dr. Annie Haskell. My form of storytelling is through
letters containing dreams, thoughts, poems, music, describing my script
“Brief Sacrifice,” already made into a film but not yet released, psycho-
therapy, inspirations, reflective comments, the inner workings of the mind,
soul, body, emotions, and bipolar. I prefer mentally creative, interesting, or
having a brain misfiring. Included in the mix are childhood abuse, car crashes,
near drownings, drugs [the illegal kind at present], hallucinations, hypersexuality,
time warps, finding answers to unsolved mysteries, infatuation, imagination, fantasy,

and a need to discover my bliss.
See you inside.
Namaste! Madison Taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #30 — Tea Party on the Ceiling

Tuesday 8th April 2008

Dear Annie,

You really surprised me after the last group meeting. It was difficult to end it and walk out of that room. But you were by my side. I had someone to be with who would listen and understand what I was going through. It shocked me when you led me outside to your car. My face must have looked like I transformed into a ghost. You didn’t give me warning you were going to take me out after group. We drove to a coffee shop and sat outside. You ordered us a pot of green tea and an assortment of small desserts as a treat.

I wasn’t exactly thrilled by the idea. It was sweet of you but truthfully, it really freaked me out. The words wouldn’t come to me at the time. Instead I pretended to be okay. Meanwhile, my insides were twisting up inside. You thought a celebration away from the counseling center would be good for me. You forgot one thing in your surprise. How leaving a safe place, well, sort of a safe place, would make me feel. You know I am an agoraphobic. That was the first time I’ve been to a public restaurant in over 7 years. Why you thought that was a good idea, I will never understand.

I know I said I would try to work with you about going out to different places. But I thought you would prepare me before we did anything. I don’t want to say more than this about what we did. Maybe some other time we can figure out how to get me to work with you on this but I am definitely not ready to do it now.

I have a different plan for what I would like to work on this week in therapy. I found a survey which I feel could be very revealing. I plan on filling it out. It felt like a way of my telling you some personal, in-depth truths about myself. The information that is asked for looks really difficult to answer but I will try to be as honest & freely detailed as possible.

My thoughts & feelings are to treat it as though it were a Rorschach test. I will think of you asking me each request for something intimate about myself & I will answer in a responsive manner without trying to cover up my immediate reaction. It may be scary to be so revealing but I will make every effort not to hide what I am holding inside.

Let’s look at it as a test in truth & trust. Fair enough. I felt we could, then, discuss what I wrote at our next session or you could ask me from the written question what I am feeling while in our session. To make even more immediate and then compare the two responses.

I really don’t want to talk about our going out in the past session. So, I hope you like my idea of doing this. If not, I can at least give you a copy of what the survey is and how I responded. It will hopefully be informative and give you a further insight into how I work.

Now, I’m about to take a deep breath. I need to concentrate and make myself relax. I am not really good at these surveys. I’m not exactly sure why I’m putting myself through this, but I’ve already committed. So, bravery it is. Here goes:

My Mood today is… I have a touch of apprehension and feelings of disappointment even though I feel I am achieving progress on all the projects I have started. Left over fear from something I was afraid to do but found the courage inside myself to reach out of my comfort zone to actually do.

Relationship status… I have a partner who gives me amazing support. Who is there for me when I need her to be even though I feel she doesn’t always feel I am there for her, but the truth is I would do anything for her, whatever it would be, if she asked.

Health status… My cancer is in remission but I have a left over weakness I am still rebounding from which exhausts me so easily. My bipolar gives me a faux sense of energy which I use, then I crash from using it up. I don’t sleep well. Too many nightmares, Not enough good dreams.

I would describe my spiritual path as… Reincarnation. Spirits. Guardian Angels. I want to believe there is a consciousness after we leave our bodies. The Soul feels real to me. Nothing else explains all the phenomena I experience that reality cannot explain.

Main thing on my mind is… A friend I feel close to. My feelings are strong. It is so easy to hurt each other. I love her deeply. I know in my past I have always had trouble being able to maintain any relationships except my one with my partner, Scottie. Losing people I love is a huge part of my past and I am afraid part of my present and future. I do not deal with loss well. It breaks my heart when I lose anyone I love. And it seems like it happens too frequently and continually in my life. I know many actors and entertainers from my connections through Scottie. Scottie likes to have parties. Some of those people we have gotten close to have died suddenly, shocking the world. But for those who knew them, it is even more difficult. So, I would say loss seems to always be on my mind. It never gives me a moment of peace.

My ambitions are…. To be writing my screenplays and hoping for success to continue. I wish to be nominated for a BAFTA, a Golden Globe, and an Oscar. It would be amazing to reach the ability to write such a script that would move people to actually be positively affected by what I have to say with my words. Also, to someday write a play good or great enough for Broadway. I’ve always dreamed of being in the theatre as well as the movies, once upon a time to be on stage but then I realized I preferred being the one who wrote the words the actors spoke.

What I want most is…. I would love to have enough money to start many different organizations which would care for animals, children who have been abused, grown-ups dealing with their abuse as adults, retreats to support artists in all areas of creative expression, set up a scholarship fund to enable those who want to pursue the arts through training whether it be college or workshops, to become a patron of gifted artists. I want to be clear when I use the word artists, I am referring to the arts inclusive of painters, writers, poets, sculptures, those in the graphic arts, film. I have already established a film production company with Scottie, I would love to start a school for training actors. Find the best professionals to do workshops. Go back to the ways of the Actors Studio with Lee Strasburg and train actors in the way of Great Britain.

What I need most is…. How to be able to feel love without fear mixed in. To make love without shutting down from the fear I learned when I was abused as a child and as an adult. To feel close to people who I love and who want to love me in return. To not replay the abuse when someone I am close to might trigger a behavior that feels like the way an abuser seduced me or made me feel.

I have been reading…. A great many books on Bipolar, literature, poetry, Anais Nin, Virginia Woolf. I love fantasy, and the mystical. My great passion are books on psychology, mysteries and psychological thrillers.

I have been watching… Lost. This series has me hypnotized. I watch my DVDs on my favorite series of all times, “Twin Peaks” by David Lynch. I watch films day and night, also. I love the classics. In the late 30s through the early 70s, that is when the best films were made.

I have been listening to…. Classical, folk, some pop, some rap, musical theatre, Celtic. Specific performers: Yo-Yo Ma,

My best characteristics are…. I am kind & gentle. I listen & try to understand people who need someone to listen to them. I am empathetic. I try to encourage & give support to other. I love animals more than any other creatures on the planet and care about them. I am an animal whisperer. I draw animals & people out who are withdrawn & feel unable to trust anyone.

My worst characteristics are… I lose my temper too easily & become irritable. My bipolar sets this behavior off in me. I withdraw from people. I am not sure if this is a characteristic but my feelings get hurt really easily & I am not very forgiving. I hate saying I am sorry. That has to do with my childhood.

My vices are… I don’t really have any now. I use to smoke, do drugs, drink coffee, swear, sexual often, spending too much money, got drunk, but I don’t do any of these now, except swearing but I don’t see that as a vice.

Politically I would describe myself as… Progressive. I want peace everywhere. I feel everyone should be taken care of & have their needs met in any way possible.

In terms of fashion and lifestyle I would describe myself as… Casual. Relaxed. Not into latest fashion. I like to be comfortable. Warm when it’s cold out. Cool when it is warm out.

I would like to learn… Several new languages. French, Spanish, Italian, Arabic, I would like to learn how to play the piano properly, not the way I know how to play it now. I would like to learn how to make a film that are computer generated animation with fantastic images.

My recent regrets are… Hurting someone I would never have wanted to hurt ever in my life.

My recent achievements are… Completing a screenplay that has been made into a film which is almost ready to be released to the theatre audience. Created a poetry collection that is due to be published very soon.

My message to myself is… I feel I am a good person. I love the people and animals I love and I let them know how I feel. I try to give myself a break for not being perfect. I need to be easier on myself for making mistakes. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to let myself be loved. Lastly, I want to tell myself it is okay to feel what it is like to be loved in all ways, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically and sexually. It is okay for me to let go of the abuse of the past and feel the generosity of love being given to me now without feeling scared to feel it and to share it and to return the love without fear.

How do you think I did, Annie? I thought I was pretty direct. Maybe a B+ for courage and an A+ for effort.
Maybe it’s time to change the subject. “Brief Sacrifice” feels like it is in order. I am sure you must be curious by now to find out what is in the Silver Box with absolutely not seems or ways of opening it up. It will take magic. James, Carter McLeod’s Savannah cat, he is the key to the Silver Box. It is up to him to perform a certain task. You must recall James is psychic. One of his many qualities.

Another one of His abilities is to cause objects to perform in ways contrary to their make-up and ability. In these cases, James needs to concentrate. In his mind, lies the key with the Power to make anything do what He wants it to do. How is James, a mere cat, going to know what is expected of him, you ask? Magic. He is filled with Magic.
Not the kind David Blaine or David Copperfield perform. They are smoke and mirrors.

James is of the Deeper Magic. The Magic that caused the world to be Created. Deeper, even more than that. It is the Magic which caused the Big Bang to occur. The kind that created the Universe and all the Stars, Planets, Solar Systems, Quarks, Black Holes, and Cosmos upon Cosmos. All that makes the Universe expand, divide and create Multi-verses. The Magic of Infinity, Reincarnation, Karma and Nirvana, Dragons and Mythical Creatures, once they were Real but they disappeared into the Ether. Yet, they exist still but only reveal themselves to those who have the power of the Seer. The Power of Sight.

James will be the catalyst to save humankind. He will open the door to All of Time. Nikola Tesla has created from the Deeper Magic, a gift for Humankind. Within the Silver Box, this gift has rested since Nikola Tesla gave the Silver Box to the old man. And now Carter McLeod is in possession of this Silver Box. It is up to Jackson Sharp to open the power within James, so he will be able to open the Silver Box. Once it is opened, the content will be revealed. But even then the Magic will not be revealed. The Magic is within the Gift in the Silver Box. It must be understood before the Magic can be awakened held within the Gift.

This is as far as we will go in this letter. Let your imagination follow these revelations. Find the path in which it leads. Eventually, all with be revealed. Patience is of the utmost importance in this matter.

Oh, my, the story within my script, within the film “Brief Sacrifice” is a wild ride. It has barely begun.
Till I see you next Tuesday and we discuss my survey and whatever else comes up, I am going to rest. And later, I may work on my latest screenplay. I will tell something about it when I am ready. It is at a stage when it needs to be between me and my computer screen.

Hope you will have a good week until I see you next week.

Fondly,
Madison

Annie Haskell --- Madison Tayler's Psychoanalyst's Office

Dr. Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

Tiger orchid #14 Robert Mapplethorp

Tiger orchid #14 Robert Mapplethorp

rain in garden gif

“Dreaming In Chaos”
Narrative Haiku [5-7-7]
by Madison Taylor

Tuesday 15th April 2008

Dreaming in chaos
Two divided both broken
Friendship betrayed lost purpose

Claim broken is wrong
Trusting in truth essential
Comprehension not valid

Devotion damaged
Disparaging remarks stabbed
Distortion destroyed feelings

Time elicits pain
Illusion perceived unearthed
Difference creates changes

Pieces broke not healed
Damage increases distance
Understand ethereal

Vanishing goodness
Pressure continues more stabs
Bleeding emotions lose hope

No cure in future
Hopelessness drying in stone
What was grey turned black and white

© madison taylor 2008

Abstract Chaos --- Artist Anonymous

Abstract Chaos — Artist Anonymous

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Patrick is our Bengal cat in tree. He loves Scotties. They are buddies.   1612x1212 Patrick-our Bengal cat up in his tree-Scottie’s buddy

Havana Brown Kitten  Madison and Scottie's kitten One of the Two   800x600

Havana Brown Kitten Madison & Scottie’s. This cutie is Toker. He has a twin brother Mikey

Snow Dragon with Woman --- Digital Art by Eyu Letsana. Borrowed from The Dragon of the Month Post of MacKenzie's Dragonsnest. See Below for the Link to you site and the Post the Snow Dragon is Featured.

Snow Dragon with Woman — Digital Art by Eyu Letsana. Borrowed from The Dragon of the Month Post of MacKenzie’s Dragonsnest. Link below to Shawn MacKenzie’s, site and her post featuring the Snow Dragon.

The Frost is on the Dragon — Posted Thursday 10th October 2013 on MacKenzie’s Dragonsnest . [Blog Name is Link].

These are some of the Illustrated Images of Mythical Creatures and Dragon to be featured in the Film “Brief Sacrifice.” They are key to aiding in Carter McLeod finding the secrets which eventually will need to be discovered in order to carry out the Friends of Nikola Tesla’s plans for the future of humankind.

neil gaiman from stardust 972x633

Neil Gaiman from Stardust

play is not just play meryl streep

Private Writings: Chapter #26 — Wizardry of Id

private writings by jennifer kileyPrivate Writings: Chapter #26 — Wizardry of Id
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Published Introduction & Chapter #1 On 19th March 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Posted On 17th September 2013

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS.
ANYONE RESEMBLING ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD
IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Crypticistic Synopsis:

I am writing to Dr. Annie Haskell. My form of storytelling is through letters containing dreams, thoughts, poems, music, describing my script ‘Brief Sacrifice,’ already made into a film but not yet released, psychotherapy, inspirations, reflective comments, the inner workings of the mind, soul, body, emotions, and bipolar. I prefer mentally creative, interesting, or having a brain misfiring. Included in the mix are childhood abuse, car crashes, near drownings, drugs [the illegal kind at present], hallucinations, hypersexuality, time warps, finding answers to unsolved mysteries, infatuation, imagination, fantasy,

and a need to discover my bliss.
See you inside.
— Namaste! Madison Taylor

Private Writings: Chapter #26 — Wizardry of Id

Tuesday 18th March 2008

Dear Annie,

I have been feeling like I am close to the edge. Shortly, after leaving our session, remembering what we talked about triggered an awful reaction inside of me. My psyche is in a full blown depression. Talking about Dr. George, feeling like he was raping me, making me have to be in a room with him again. He forced me. If I didn’t I would have lost you before I even had a chance to find you. He had no right to dangle you as a piece of candy. I submit and get raped. I say no, I lose you. How is that acceptable for a therapist to repeat my abuse on me so I will get the attention I need so badly. Why did you let him do that? Now I feel suicidal. The darkness is surrounding me. It feels like the shadow creatures in “Ghost.” They are going to pull me into Hell. Any moment I am going to be forced to kill myself.

You should have stopped him. Never agreed to his terms. Just accepted me and told him to go fuck off. I didn’t deserve to be forced, when I already made it clear I didn’t want to do what he wanted. How should I feel? How can I react any differently? Now, I am having my doubts. Are you going to protect me from my nightmares? Keep them away from my dreams? I have imagined being with you, doing therapy the right way for so long. I never thought you would be part of terms from him in order for me to be with you. Should I be disappointed or feel lucky? I got my dream therapist. Or so it seems.

You did protect me in the closure session, but I shouldn’t have had to be there. It made me furious. I felt you held me inside your power. You threw up a protective shield. I felt it. But he was there, too close, so creepy. I couldn’t look at him. My skin crawled. He was looking at me firing off lies. Just like my shadow mother did many years ago.

When I was a teenager. She came to one of my sessions with my first therapist. In front of me, she spoke words coated with black tar. All lies. Professed she had no idea what I was talking about when I said I was tortured by her. She denied ever doing anything to me. At that point, I wasn’t about to tell her about my other abusers. It was sufficient to try to confront her with my therapist to protect me. In the last moments of her presence in my therapist’s office, I just lost it. I couldn’t stand hearing the lies for a minute longer. I fired off at her a list which grew in my head since I was little, of all the abuses she committed on my flesh, my mind, my emotions. I had to cut myself off. It was a painting without a canvas to record the truth. She shook her head in denial. Making it seem to my therapist I was making the whole tale up in my imagination.

After my therapist returned from escorting her back to the waiting area, she took a seat at her desk and looked at me. All I could say to her was I am not crazy. I wasn’t lying. Her response: “Your mother is crazy. Of course, I believe you. She was lying or had buried what she had done so deep, she believed her lies. It is quite possible if she had remembered her abusing you in the horrible way she did, it would literally drive her over the edge into complete madness. It is enough she is borderline, with one step inside of madness.”

Her words reassured me I was actually sane. She told me if I was going to “lose my mind,” it would have happened while I was doing all the LSD and smoking pot. I did have grand hallucinations and moments when I thought I had lost touch with reality. LSD really can make you feel paranoid. What the fuck I was thinking, doing hallucinogens. I put them into my body. I will stop short at doing mushrooms. They are a spiritual experience. I read the whole “Bhagavad Gita” while tripping. Whoa, that books takes you to such heights of deep awareness. I felt Bliss. True Bliss. That was a worthy experience.

Annie, writing to you or just writing has made me feel a bit better. Why do people fuck with other people’s minds and lives?

I think I am freaking a little because I told you today about my letters and poems. They have been my secret for so long. Revealing I wrote to you made me feel too vulnerable. You want me to bring them to my sessions and to read you some of what I write, especially the poems. You, also, liked I was telling you the story from my script for Scottie and my film “Brief Sacrifice.” The idea of a secret society guarding Nikola Tesla’s secrets. The thought of a perfect Utopia. If anyone could pull off setting up something so grand “Tesla” could. I didn’t tell you what is in the Silver Box. I am not sure I should reveal the secret. It would ruin the mystery of the film.

It is such a cool secret. I will give you a hint. “Anywhere is possible, as long as it has happened already, somewhere in time.”

Can you guess from this clue?

I think I will write my poem for you. See if I can shake the rest of these feelings of the shadows surrounding me. Wanting to do harm to me or wanting me to do harm to myself.

I want you to know I want to trust you. What you did with him, felt like a betrayal. You conspired to force me to give in against my will and better judgement. I am not sure it will be easy for me to get past it. We need to work on not forcing me into something I don’t want to do. When I say “No,” I need to be respected. Words meant nothing to my abusers, especially the words, “NO” and “STOP.”

I am going to close the letter portion here and continue on to write my feelings into a poem. Maybe, I will better express what is happening inside my mind and heart, I do have strong feelings building up and putting pressure on my psyche. You are my wizard now. You must help me understand myself. Why I am unable to let go of my feelings, what am I feeling, and what the hell drives me. The highest concern in my head is why I cannot enjoy anything that would bring pleasure to anyone else.

Wish me luck on writing a poem for you, Annie. If it is going to be my first, I want you to see inside of me.

I am signing out on my letter to you.

Fondly,
Madison

Annie Haskell --- Madison Tayler's Psychoanalyst's Office

Dr. Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst

Somewhere In Time – John Barry

lily open pink purple mix

rain in garden gif

Of Highest Concern
By Madison Taylor
18th March 2008

Intruder thrusts knife
Pressure pierces deep in flesh
Sensations of pain spreading

Bleeding stills body
Force penetrates privacy
Ripping away self-control

Will overpowers
Trembling from intensity
Inner strength halts invasion

© madison taylor 2008

rookie wood  2013  artist paul wood

“A Dream
The beginning always starts out
With a dream.
It is all a dream
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

Patrick is our Bengal cat in tree. He loves Scotties. They are buddies.   1612x1212

Patrick-our Bengal cat up in his tree-Scottie’s buddy

Havana Brown Kitten  Madison and Scottie's kitten One of the Two   800x600

Havana Brown Kitten Madison & Scottie’s. This cutie is Toker. He has a twin brother Mikey

bedroom perfect high windows light

play is not just play meryl streep