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Letters of Import: Incompetency Revealed 10

Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
Incompetency Revealed 10
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated & abstract digital art by j. kiley
First Published Tuesday March 19th 2013
Published Early Tuesday AM
Tenth Posted May 21st 2013 Tuesday, December 3rd 2007

Dear Annie,

He returned. Group went back to its repressive normal. No one got to speak except him and his favorites. The only words out of my mouth were: “I am feeling extremely anxious.” And I added, as a dig, “The group was different having a woman lead it. Annie was amazing. Everyone got to talk. We actually had interactions happening.”

He cut me off with his dumb gibberish as he stumbled over his words and mumbled them. It irritated him like Hell that his position had been challenged by me and by a novice, Annie. Let him feel intimidated. The way he tries to undermine me in our private sessions.

He is always acting as a catalyst to draw Brad out. Maybe its time he saw the way he behaved as a less than competent psychotherapist. If he was like this since he started his practice, I don’t understand how he kept his clients faithful. I suppose when you’re desperate and psychologically fucked up you want anyone who will listen. And you fear finding someone new, who might make demands that you are not ready for, and change is scary and someone different could be worse. Plus starting out again with someone new would be so exhausting. It was easier to stay put and take what I felt I deserved and maintain the limited stability I had at the time.

My mistake is I don’t want to cure my agoraphobia. Not right now. It is too fucking terrifying. I don’t want to go out into the world. It just fucks me up more being exposed to it. It is extremely dangerous. I am too sensitive. I feel everything anyone around me is filled with intense feelings. It is overwhelming. At the psych clinic, I hate walking into that place when there is anyone in the waiting room. It’s a nightmare. My brain is bombarded with a total freak out. I need to be rescued. And he is always late and too many people are waiting. I try not to make contact but usually someone wants to talk. Leave me alone. I hear the screams in my head, ‘can’t you all see that I am mad. I will blow-up if you approach me.’ Not really, but I want everyone to just leave me to my quiet. I am trying to pull myself together for my therapy session. I think and I mean: ‘What the Hell are they doing there. Don’t they want to do the same thing? Preparing to tear out their hearts and display them for their own therapists. Leave me alone to concentrate and be ready for mine.’

Annie, I wish you could have been there. He finally came out to get me. I’d say rescue me but it was more of a bother, I think to him, to have to walk all the way from his office to retrieve me so he could spend our next 45 minutes, if I was lucky to get that amount of time. He always shorted me on my time. It is technically suppose to be 50 minutes but I am lucky if I get a full 45. But I shouldn’t complain, most of the time I can’t wait for the session to be over. And he is exacting about that. He doesn’t allow you to even pull things together before he utters the words: “Time is up.” He cuts me off in mid-sentence and mid-trauma but I don’t feel he even notices it.

This particular day, I was telling him about the way I felt Angie was treating me in group. She was jumping on every word I said. I was talking about one of our very special cats dying over the day before and that I was devastated. His name was Dylan James Thomas and we raised him from the time he was about 3 1/2 weeks old. Someone had thrown him out inside a McDonald’s bag. Fortunately, someone kind had found him, they brought him to the local animal shelter. I volunteered there. That next morning the director called me and asked if I had the time and would I like to foster a very little kitten who was in great need of care. He would need special food and hand-feeding through a bottle. Without hesitation, I had “YES” out of my mouth before the director could say another word. I explained to Scottie in between talking to the director. Told him I would be right there. It was rough going with “Dylan James Thomas”. He developed an upper respiratory infection. He slept between Scottie and I. Scottie gave him extra hugs and held him all night while I slept. She told me before I picked him up that we could not keep him but she fell in love him the way I did when I first set eyes on his tiny little body and his small sounding meows. I was hooked and I knew Scottie would be taken in the way I was. I was right. It took her less than 48 hours to agree that “Dylan James Thomas” needed to be a member of our family. I, also, believe it was the long nights of loving care and healing energy that closed the deal.

Anyway, Angie was all support and I am sorry until I said that I was also really sad about the death of someone I admired and I had loved her family from the time I was a teenager. The person who had died was a famous actress that I admired. I have this sensitivity to certain people who effect my life. I may not know them personally but they have entered my heart. Her mom was one of those people that touched my life, also. I felt a closeness to her and to her family. And I was devastated when I heard of her accident and I prayed that she would pull out of her coma, with no way of knowing that it was irreversible. When her death was announced it put me into emotional shock. My mind could not get around that she was dead. I felt such pain for her whole family, her husband and two boys, and her mother and her aunt and uncle. The devastation that her mom should have to lose her daughter, so young. I felt in emotional pain. Well, Angie was a bitch. She could understand my being upset by my cat’s death but an actress that I didn’t know. She didn’t get it and casually dismissed my pain as ridiculous. That was not only insulting but a cold reaction. We were in a therapy group not in a room full of people who are suppose to judge what we feel.

As I expected. Mr. Xxx felt I should try to understand where Angie was coming from. And why should I try to understand where she is coming from when where that place is a dark hole filled with cruelty and patronizing blanket statements of judgment and a total lack of understanding and sensitivity. I am the way I am and don’t need to go to a therapy group or therapist and be told that my feelings don’t deserve to be respected and trashed instead. I should be allowed whatever emotional reactions that I feel and when I bring them up in group they don’t deserve someone’s insensitivity because they lack compassion and the ability to understand something that is different from the way they might react. They should allow the person who is upset the space to express what they are feeling and to shut the fuck up and stifle themselves from putting them down because they don’t understand why they are feeling upset. Just shut the fuck up and allow them to have their feelings and to respect them whether you understand them or not.

I don’t need to tell you much more but I want you to know that the level of Mr. Xxx’s incompetency echos through all who have him as a therapist. He should have intervened on my behalf in the group. You, as least, tried to cover for him by telling Angie that some people have strong feelings for those they admire in the arts. What Madison is feeling is quite understandable. First, she loses a cat she adores and has loved practically from his birth and moments later finds out that someone she cares about in the field of entertainment and from a favorite and famous acting family, has also died so suddenly, leaving behind a grieving mother, husband and two sons. This can be devastating. Madison is a highly sensitive person and feels deeply for everyone and to have the reaction she has is not unusual among a great many people. So, I think you should try to find some understanding for Madison and what she is going through and try to put yourself in her place.

You said all that while my therapist sits like George W. Bush did the day of September 11th, staring into space and not reacting at all while buildings were exploding from planes crashing into them. You so outshine him, it is embarrassing that he is the leader and you are the intern. I thank you for your sensitivity to recognize I was in pain and it made no difference what was causing it. In our private session, he came out in favor of Angie, as if it were a competition. He should have been giving me my therapy not denying me and giving all his support to another person not in that room with us. But I should know better than expect anything that is positive coming from him. No support. No encouragement.

I hope you are seeing and getting what I am trying to convey to you. I need a new therapist and I want that psychoanalyst to be you. When you have accomplished receiving your degrees and you are licensed, I want you to consider seriously of taking me on as one of your first clients. Please for the sake of my confidence and sanity. I really don’t know how much longer I can take seeing Mr. Xxx as my incompetent therapist.

I want you, your insight, your intelligence and intuitive nature and your gentleness to be my guide. When that day arrives I will feel like I will be reborn. I wish I could say these words directly to you. Someday, I hope that I am able to.

Regards,
Madison This is to assure the strictest of confidence.

To Annie,

At this moment I am not trying to be a coward, but I feel if I hold back now or never send this to you, then I am freeing myself up to write whatever I wish without need of censorship. Maybe someday, when I am feeling more familiar with just who you are and what you might mean to me, this parameter will be altered and a copy of this and future letters will be relayed to you. For now I want to maintain secrecy, to protect you, Annie, and to protect myself from over testing the boundaries between us and to record the development of our relationship.

I want Annie Haskell to trust me. I want you to know I am trying to protect you and also myself from any humiliation. Writing to you in this way frees up my words as I speak them onto the page. Some future date, if I feel trusting enough, I will release to you what I have written in honesty. Right now, I will keep my words confidential. On my honour, no others shall see these pages, I promise you that.

Regards,
Madison Taylor

Annie Haskell --- Madison Tayler's Psychoanalyst's Office

Madison Tayler’s Fantasy of Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst. Not real.

Maksim — Somewhere In Time — Theme Song #1 For “Letters of Import”This is a poem I would like to include in this letter. I like to leave a poem in each of the letters if I find one that I would like to share with you. Since I am not even sure if I am going to give these letters to you, I felt it is okay if I include a poem in each of these letters. And if some day, I change my mind and I hand my building collection of letters to you, then I will likely evaluate all that I have written to determine if all of the content of each letter feels acceptable to me to share openly with you. I may feel too shy to be so vulnerable. We will proceed as we have for now and see this as a way of recording the experience of getting to know you and in turn get to know how this all effects me as I record this experience in writing.Want Her Too Much
By Madison Taylor
December 1st 2007

Need too much
Want her too much
But not her’s to give
Anger rises up
Lost
No sign of the light
Highs have faded
Diving down into deepest sea
Total darkness
Will there be a drowning place for me
Are my favorites present
Virginia
Marilyn
Sylvia too
I need a guide
Help settling the end
Lost I am
As I am losing myself
Am I feeling her feelings
Or mine
Or is she sharing hers
She doesn’t seek death
Or harm
That is my desire
Cut
Bleed
Death
The final solution
Can’t handle this fast descent
Heights freak me out
Did I succeed at deserving hell
All those soul points
Angel points too
I surrender
Rejection
No more
Too crushing
Even if not intent
Let me bleed
So I cannot feel my heart breaking
Shredding into pieces
This she does to me now
I want her to take over my world
But only hope keeps that dream alive
And where is that hope?
Entering my world
To begin the dreaming
When I can finally step away
I cannot bear his re-entrance
Into my world
It may be what finally breaks me
Finishes me
Takes me to my ending
A cold sea of infinity
Unless she is able to be my savior
And take me to a place of safety
Far away from him as possible
Or it is certain he will succeed
To bring an end to me this final time.

Sympathy for the Devil — The Rolling Stones(Theme Song # 10 for Letter of Import: Incompetency Revealed 10

the labyrinth called “wandering wonderland.” it is where madison, scottie and their cats, patrick, sparky and toker love to escape to

madison’s “woods of imagination” where she takes long walks to reflect. it starts just past the labyrinth

LE CHATEAU DE ROCHER

le chateau de rocher is the home of madison and scottie & their three cats sparky toker & patrick

glass enclosed pool le chateau de rocher

QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A therapeutic relationship is often more psycho-emotionally intimate than a marriage, or a romantic attachment. I know things about my patients that they would never dream of revealing to their spouses or families. Why is that? One word — trust. If you do not have a connection with a therapist, you cannot trust them. If you do not have trust, you will not expose yourself, and if you do not expose your innermost being, what good is the therapy?” — unknown but ask any great therapist

“Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence…whether much that is glorious–whether all that is profound–does not spring from disease of thought…” — Edgar Allan PoeQUOTATIONS of INCOMPETENT:

“The problem with incompetence is its inability to recognize itself.”
― Orrin Woodward, L.I.F.E. Living Intentionally For Excellence

“On the roads of failure, it is not uncommon to see the tears of the talented; and in the land of success, to hear the victorious screams of the incompetent!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

DEFINITION: without adequate ability, knowledge, fitness; failing to meet requirements; incapable; unskillful. Not having or showing the necessary skills to do something successfully. Ineptitude. Professional incompetence.

The Sessions

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The Sessions
Film Review
Written By Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated by j. kiley
Created May 19th 2013
Posted May 19th 2013

poster for the film 'the sessions' 636x938

poster for the film ‘the sessions’ leading roles: helen hunt – william h. macy – john hawkes

This all started with the Oscar-winning film, “Breathing Lessons,” about the life of Mark O’Brien. He contracted polio in childhood and lived life in an Iron Lung which enabled him to breath. His story in this film inspired the new movie “The Sessions,” starring William H. Macy, Helen Hunt, and John Hawkes. Mark O’Brien felt: “The two mythologies about disabled people break down to one: we can’t do anything, or two: we can do everything. But the truth is, we’re just human.” O’Brien was a frequently published journalist and poet, and he contributed to National Public Radio. He fought against illness, bureaucracy and society’s conflicting perceptions of disability for his right to lead an independent life.

william h. macy as father brendan – john hawkes as mark o’brien confessing

The film, “The Sessions” is a powerful and emotional film. You’re rooting for him as he moves through the issues of his life that challenge every moment. But it shows that he is human and has the same needs and wants that most humans want from their life. It breaks down your emotions and all the way through shows an understanding and honest and intimate portrayal of a complex, intelligent, beautiful and interesting person, who happens to be disabled.

There is a poem, that Mark O’Brien wrote, that is used in the film that speaks to the soul. The words reflect his inner feelings that will melt your heart. In the poem they used , it is so descriptive of what he feels inside, and how he would express those feelings. Throughout the film, he has long, intense conversations with a new priest to his parish and within the film it is made obvious his extremely strong belief in God.

william h. macy in “the sessions”

Which at times made him question every decision he would make in order to satisfy his goals in life. One in particular, he has been feeling the strongest need to accomplish. The same kind of goal most humans want to achieve and satisfy. That goal has to do with being loved and in the expression of that love, to be able to be intimate with another human being. The Sessions is a provocative film which helps to define life. Its questions and its meaning.

The Sessions Movie CLIP – Poem (2012) – Helen Hunt Movie HD

love poem by mark o’brien – poster by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

The biggest question on Mark’s mind is whether he will live his entire life never knowing the sexual intimacy with another person. In his case, the love and sexual satisfaction of sharing a complete sexual experience with a women. This is where the film takes on the most caring elements ever. The performances of Helen Hunt and John Hawkes are so believable and intimate. You weren’t sure what to root for. Helen’s role is that of playing a sexual surrogate. She has a family. It is an endearing profession that she has chosen. Quite confounding and compassionate maintaining a personal life and a professional life where it is inhuman not to have natural human feelings surface, both physical and emotional, as well as spiritual.

If you want to see a film, where the characters are real, and you feel their reality as they are living it out on the screen, this is the film for you. You need to check any moralistic judgement at the door. That wasn’t a problem for me. I felt what was happening was essential, human, caring, loving and a necessary sharing for all those directly involved.

THE SESSIONS Trailer 2012 Movie – Official [HD]I don’t want to give any of the film away but it is brilliant, intimate, humourous, makes you want to cry and smile all at once. You really aren’t sure who or what you should be encouraging. You feel their feelings so tenderly. I have now seen this film, The Sessions, and took from it a feeling that one can be healed. I am not talking about his polio, but his inner being. I will not say what happens but I will recommend this film. As Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel use to say: “Two Thumbs Up.” Get this film. Buy It. Rent It. Stream It. Watch It On Demand. If you haven’t seen it in a theatre or if you have, see it again. Sometime in the near future it will become part of our collection. It is a film that has great value in seeing it more than once.

I will add it teaches you something about your own body, that if you didn’t already know, it deserves to be honoured and loved as part of your whole self. How to reach that union is something that I think many of us would like to do that have not really experienced that complete connection. I’m not saying that in the case of this film, what happens, but it does teach as well as gives the viewer a magnificent experience of looking inward. It is delightful that you get to share the joys, discussions, fears, anxieties, hopes, rejection, being ignored, having no power, being human and frail and tough and fighting to survive every minute of your life.

helen hunt as cheryl a sexual surrogate in bed with mark in ‘the sessions’

Whether we need to be in an Iron Lung most of our lives or have lived a life that has been traumatized through other means or to have lived whatever life you have lived, this film will show you the way to what being equal is all about and that having a disability does not take away your being human and having human needs, wants, desires, beliefs, dreams, imagination, satisfaction, creativity and so much more. We are in this all together. We need to support one another. If one thing, Mark O’Brien, may have been put in an Iron Lung when he was a child, but he kept on living as if that Iron Lung was just something he had to accept. His life continued with all a humans’ hopes and dreams.

After watching this film, I would say he attained so much more than most people would expect. If for just sheer curiosity, to see a film that has the issue of sex right out there on the table, that alone should peek your cat like instinctual drive, this film is AMAZING. It is more than it could be and nothing less than it should be.

helen hunt and john hawkes in ‘the sessions’

I intend to see it again some time soon. I do need to still make it through the rest of the Oscar/BAFTA nominated films. I saw “Hitchcock.” The one surrounding the making of the film “PSYCHO,” that kept people out of the shower for quite some time. I was way too young when I first saw it at the neighbor’s house across the street. The girl who lived there walked me to the middle of the street. We lived in a cul de sac, so there wasn’t any traffic.

We stood there, afraid to move from that spot. Until we decided we would count to three and go to our own houses. One. Two. Three. We tore to the kitchen doors of our houses, screaming the entire way and rushed into our houses slamming the doors behind us. Both having been too young and terrified to watch such a film as PSYCHO, alone, in the dark, watching bloody murders being committed. I still cannot watch that damned shower scene or pretty much most of the rest of the film after Janet Leigh arrives at the Bates Motel.

Helen Mirren played the role of Alfred Hitchcock’s wife opposite, the unidentifiable, Anthony Hopkins. She deserved the Oscar and I do believe she won the BAFTA, will have to check. But she played the second in command, who without her I firmly believe that Hitchcock’s genius would not have been held so firmly. She deserved credit in the film CREDITS but now everyone knows who have seen HITCHCOCK and THE GIRL. “The Girl” was made for HBO. The very British, Sienna Miller played Tippi Hedren, the actress who starred in Hitchcock’s “The Birds” and “Marnie.” Read my post on Tippi Hedren to find out more on that subject and the post, “Alfred Hitchcock: Man or Beast.” Do feel free to use the search box to locate anything related to all and anything located on “the secret keeper.”

the elements of power

So, sorry, got a bit distracted. It made me realize I need to spend more time reviewing films on “the secret keeper.”

Anyway, back on track, do see THE SESSIONS. You will never know what you have missed if you do not. And you would have missed TOO MUCH. 5 * * * * * Review by Jennifer Kiley with the Help of Jk the secret keeper

Maksim Mrvica – Tonci Huljic: Passionata QUOTATIONS on INTIMACY/TOUCHING/FEELINGS:

“Fall off the edge of the earth and crash into euphoria.” — Unknown

“I mean you can leave it at love and attraction, or can you can make it complicated, like most people do” — “The Sessions”

“The meaning of love. Love is a journey.” — “The Sessions”

“I never expected it. Nor did she. But that’s often how things turn out” — “The Sessions”

“Let me touch you with my words
For my hands lie limp as empty gloves
Let my words stroke your hair
Slide down your back and tickle your belly
For my hands, light and free-flying as bricks
Ignore my wishes and stubbornly refuse to carry out my quietest desires.
Let my words enter your mind, bearing torches
Admit them willingly into your being
So they may caress you gently within.”
— “The Sessions” by Mark O’Brien

“Sex makes everything complicated. As much as people want to believe sex can be carefree and casual, someone always gets attached. It’s inevitable.” — unknown

“Even Nothing Cannot Last Forever”

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“Even Nothing Cannot Last Forever”
Quote by Neil Gaiman
Post Created Jk the secret keeper
Illustrated by j. kiley
Post Created on May 18th 2013
Posted May 18th 2013

“even nothing cannot last forever” neil gaiman poster created by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Evanescence – Lithium QUOTATIONS on FANTASY:

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.” ― Dr. Seuss

“Fantasy is hardly an escape from reality. It’s a way of understanding it.” ― Lloyd Alexander

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.” ― Terry Pratchett

“Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If a soldier is imprisoned by the enemy, don’t we consider it his duty to escape?. . .If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we’re partisans of liberty, then it’s our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we can!” ― J.R.R. Tolkien

“When I was your age, television was called books.” ― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“It’s so strange how life works: You want something and you wait and wait and feel like it’s taking forever to come. Then it happens and it’s over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed.” ― Lauren Oliver, Delirium

“Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” ― Albert Einstein

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.” ― Dr. Seuss

Letters of Import: Talking Privately 9

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Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
Talking Privately 9
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrat by j. kiley
© jennifer kiley 2013
First Posting March 19th 2013
Posted Weekly Early Tuesday Morning
Eighth Posting May 14th 2013 Tuesday, November 26th, 2007

Dear Annie

We had a first chance after group today to talk one on one. You gave me time for the first time. If you only knew how much talking to you privately, even for a short time, meant to me. It gave me the chance to hear your voice separate from other people listening. I like the way your voice sounds. Its so much more relaxed. At least, that is the way it sounds when you speak with me. You’re voice is so soft and delicate. I didn’t get a chance to congratulate you on how well you led the group today. I was so shy while we spoke, I forgot. It was nice and such a relief not to have Mr. Xxx there today. It was great he took another day off. Your technique for running the group is so unique. If I told you since I was a teenager I’ve been in over five professional groups. This, I hate to say it, is the worse run group I’ve ever been in. It’s not the members. It’s the leader. At least, he didn’t have a nervous breakdown in the middle of a group session. That was pretty fucking weird. He was replaced by the novice therapist who sat in the group the way that you do.

You are a natural. People listen to you and you definitely don’t try to dominate the time of the session. Everyone got to speak and they were able to get out important issues. Mr. Xxx never lets us talk about anything. He’s so afraid someone is going to be triggered. What the fuck does he expect. We’ve all been traumatized. Of course, there are issues that will set people off. That’s going to happen in a group session or private session. Talking today about trusting people and how we feel about being touched were and are extremely important issues with everyone in our group. And they are not meant to be easy to talk about, but they need to be. How else are we going to heal the wounds they caused, if we don’t open up about how they effect us.

I wrote a poem a short while ago about touch. That’s how much the group has effected me. I haven’t written anything since the Diana poem the first month I started seeing Mr. Xxx. If I get brave enough, I will include the poem at the end of this letter. That’s if I get brave enough to let you read it. I don’t let anyone read my writing, creative writing that is. But I think I will take a chance and trust you. I don’t think you would hurt me if I let myself be vulnerable by showing you the words I write creatively. I really opened up in this poem. When I’ve finished this letter I will make the decision then whether to include the poem. I am leaning toward wanting to be brave and take a chance.

But back on the subject of the group. You got my friend Kristina to open up. She hates to say anything. Mr. Xxx always forces her into the light when she just wants to listen. It’s important to listen but we all need to speak out loud. But he does it against her will. That to me seems to perpetrate what our abusers did. You got her to talk by letting her respond to something Lisa said. It had to do with loving other women in an intimate relationship. She said that she didn’t understand it. Not in a disapproving way. One of her abusers was a woman. Someone who should have been a protector. She wanted to know how she could get close to a woman. She could have been asking the same question if it were a man that Lisa was getting close to. That was sort of what Lisa said. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to. Lisa and I are both lesbians but still find some men attractive. We just wouldn’t want to have sex with them.

With me it wouldn’t matter either way. I don’t want sex with anyone. The abusers totally fucked that up for me. Would you believe I’ve never had sex when I’ve been sober. It’s sadly true. Drug of choice was pot. I needed to start out with a joint or a full pipe and keep it coming the whole evening. There would usually be alcohol on the side. Usually beer, wine, champagne, I loved champagne most of all. Scottie was strictly the strong stuff, so I would enjoy a game where one of us would take a small mouth full of booze and you’d pass the liquor back and forth through a super-sensual kiss. That made kissing more fun. The fun stopped before I stopped the drugs and booze. Sex was becoming a problem. Without too much detail, I’m not ready for that yet, what abusers did was catching up with me fast. There lessons were effecting the way my body responded to being touched. That’s all I can tell you right now.

Emotionally, that is another subject altogether, I am really fucked up when it comes to expressing my feelings. I have no idea what they are or what they mean. If I am not depressed then I feel completely numb. I go from numb to being overly excited. Anger, anxiety and fear are the only things my brain know how to let me feel. Otherwise I am dead inside. I know who I love or at least who I want to be with. I know if I care about someone but I can’t translate that into feelings.

I, also, know if I am obsessed with someone. They are in every free thought in my head. My feelings for them are so powerful. Obsessions are all consuming. They devour my ability to think logically. I always thought that was what love felt like but that is so far from the truth. It tends to freak some people out. It had one of my therapists really freaked about. She must have had a bad experience with someone being obsessed with her. I may get obsessed but I respect boundaries. But I still freaked her a bit. Nothing I could do about that. I still don’t think I understand why I get obsessed. Do you know, what causes it in me to have that reaction but with only certain people. Why those people? Why only one person at a time? Just something to look into.

I’d like to understand that part of myself, My personality who is obsessed goes by the name Meg. She is highly emotional and was created around the time of our grandmother’s death and our obsession began with an actress/singer/writer who our grandmother told us to follow. That she would make for a great role model. We followed our grandmother’s advice. The person that we follow has had a powerful effect on us. I think we continued feeling some kind of love through her that otherwise would have been lost and we would have been lost with it.

But now I want to figure out about my nature to become obsessive. I think it is under some control but I cannot explain that now. I worry that someone else will bring me under that spell of oppression. Freudian slip there, I meant to say obsession. Maybe now I see it as oppressive. But to whom? Myself or the person who is the object of my obsessive need for them.

I think I have come to the end of my words for this letter. Now I need to decide about the poem I wrote. Let me look over it. If any or all of it feel like I can reveal the contents to you, I will include in this letter or a future letter. If I do include it I will post after the end of the letter.

Until next time.

Regards,
Madison This note is to to assure the strictest of confidence.

To Annie,

Regards,
Madison Taylor

Madison Tayler’s Fantasy of Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst. Not real.

Maksim — Somewhere In Time — Theme Song #1 For “Letters of Import”

Soul’s Lamentation(Theme Song # 9 for Letter of Import: Talking Privately 9

the labyrinth called “wandering wonderland.” it is where madison, scottie and their cats, patrick, sparky and toker love to escape to

madison’s “woods of imagination” where she takes long walks to reflect. it is starts just past the labyrinth

LE CHATEAU DE ROCHER

le chateau de rocher is the home of madison and scottie & their three cats sparky toker & patrick

This is the poem I was telling you about. I looked through the poem I found that I needed to edit it down before I added it to this letter. Since I am not even sure if I am going to give these letters to you, I felt it is okay if I include the poem in this letter. And if some day, I change my mind and I hand my building collection of letters to you, then I will likely evaluate all that I have written to determine if all of the content of each letter feels acceptable to me to share openly with you. I may feel too shy to be so vulnerable. We will proceed as we have for now and see this as a way of recording the experience of getting to know you and in turn get to know how this all effects me as a record this experience in writing.

To Be Touched or Not To Be Touched
By Madison Taylor
November 26th 2007

To be touched or not to be touched
Never was that a question
As a child or as an adult
It was always assumed as an adult
As a child it was always forced
Only two exceptions
My grandmother who loved me
My grandfather who liked to hold my hand
Two special weeks every summer
I had them all to myself
Grandma Emily, everyday, talked to me on the phone
We created our own alphabet
Only we could read

Special dinners for the whole family
Food my grandma knew I loved
She would accidentally include carrots
I loathe cooked carrots, they make me gag
It was the Shadow Mother’s delight
To force cooked carrots on me
One of her tortures she relished secretly
No less than once a week
But often, more often
It was her Sadistic game
To force food in me I didn’t want
To deny food or nourishment
When it was needed
I was a waif as a child
Legs were like sticks
Water was what I got
To make it through the night

Til after midnight, I sat
Carrots would not go down
Or my stomach would growl
Hungry, a wild animal seeking prey
As I tried falling asleep
Before the break of day

Insomnia started back then
I was afraid of the night
Things happened in the night
Bad things
Out of my control
They haunted the dark
My sleep corrupted
I pretended sleep often
I lived on the ceiling
It came
In the darkness
If I was still
It would go away
But it always returned
The darkness
What came with the darkness

Don’t like the darkness
Now lights have to follow me
Wherever I go
Always there needs to be light
Do not want to open eyes
And just see black
Always flashlights
Always candles
Matches too
In case of a power out
I freeze in place
Until the light comes
I am only safe in the light.

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.”
― Truman Capote

“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.” ― William Hazlitt, Selected Essays, 1778-1830

“The fun of talk is to explore, but much of it and all that is irresponsible should not be written. Once written you have to stand by it. You may have said it to see whether you believed it or not.” ― Ernest Hemingway

“The art of true conversation consisted in the play of minds.” ― Ved Mehta, All for Love

“Weird people don’t care if they’re weird. They are the most entertaining to converse with because nothing is off-limits.” ― Donna Lynn Hope

The Secret Keeper Opened Up Two Years Ago

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The Secret Keeper Opened Up Two Years Ago
WordPress Sent Me A Notification Moments Ago
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Created & Posted 05.06.13

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself
Was Posted On May 6th 2011

moon watching over all — artist unknown 5.6.13 it was two years ago today

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself
by jen kiley “the secret keeper”
Posted May 6th 2011

This is an excerpt from a manuscript that I started writing while I was seeing M. who I felt was the best psychotherapist I ever worked with. She is my inspiration and muse. The stages that it is in now are more like a patchwork quilt of writings from notebooks and poems and letters and emails and role playing screenplays that I have written and continue to write everyday. I choose this blog site as a place where I can be open and honest with my thoughts and feelings and be the real person that I am in all the multiple facets of my psyche. I am hoping I will be able to post open and honest writings that help me develop and release what has and is happening in my life. Truth is what I am seeking and the revealing of secrets and recalling of memories are only some of what I want to express here on this blog. Hopefully, it will not all be serious. My new therapist wants me to laugh more and encourages me to watch shows and films that do just that, make me laugh. Modern Family and The Big Bang Theory are the best shows at creating that overwhelming feeling in me to feel hysterically silly and to laugh so hard I can barely catch my breath. I leave you to read what I am sharing. Be kind. I am new to this kind of truthful exposure.

9.20.10 – 2:15 am – monday

Reality…love…animals first…people…therapist before other people but S.O… my bird… my main kitties…fur…petting…loving…trusting…wanting love…wanting attention… petting…my bird sharing my meals…nothing better than that…sharing my juice… climbing all over me…getting up on my hand…sitting and resting on my shoulders or stomach for hours…nothing like it…sleeping with me while I write or work on the computer…hanging out together…my little buddy…my bird…my beautiful multi-colored protector…the most wonderful creature in the whole world…I feel that way about her …and I feel special ways about my special kitties too…snuggling with them…sleeping with them at night or when they sleep in my lap or draped over my arms in my chair …I love the feeling…I live for the moments…I live for those moments when M. smiles at me and tells me I am a good person and that I did good… when we looked into each others eyes when she was trying to get me to reach the child inside me…we both tried to get me there but it is a long distance inside to that place…

<3 Love <3

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself
But if your love and must needs have desires,
Let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook
That sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
And give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer
For the beloved in your heart
And a song of praise upon your lips.
~ by Kahlil Gibran ~

Mozart – Lacrimosa

the 9th – the day I found out that M. was leaving, no longer to be my therapist. I found out later during our last session we would not be able to have any contact at all with each other for two years.

I dedicate the first post on “all is one” to M. (It didn’t take me long to change her name to “the secret keeper” and she is all mine to do with what I feel she needs to do.) She taught me that we are all connected no matter where we are in our lives. She is gone now – left abruptly from my life. It has caused me a great deal of pain and continues to do so. I love this woman more than can ever be expressed in words. Even Kahlil Gibran only comes slightly close to how I feel. We did some intense work together unearthing some of the memories of the abuse from my childhood and we tried to confront the issues that I am going through today. I am now seeing a new therapist that M. chose for me. She is quite good but I miss M. terribly and my psychological issues are only compounded by the loss of her in my life and in our therapeutic relationship. I stay connected to her through my writing. She continues to be my inspiration and my muse and I write to her in my notebooks to enter into my manuscript everyday and every night. She is there with me in those moments. It was because of her that I returned to my writing and she also brought me back to my roots in meditation. When she left I pulled back from meditating and certain music because it strongly reminded me of her and the level of pain and depression and suicidal thoughts I had were too difficult to experience in all of their intensity. She abandoned me. I miss her hugs; her voice; the way her eyes looked into mine; her gentleness; her understanding; her peacefulness and calmness and most of all her love. She is connected to my soul. I will love her always and forever.

This is just the beginning of writing here. If someone passes through and should happen to read any of what I have written I will tell you that there will be more and the depth I intend to fathom shall hopefully be expressive, thoughtful and revealing in honesty.

I add to what I wrote over two years ago, that I feel that I have followed the path that I stated back then and try to bring honesty and feelings to what is post on “the secret keeper.” I, also, try to have fun when there is a need for that. There is always a need to laugh and to cry. The first is laughing and I do that as often as possible. The second, crying, I still haven’t found the door that allows me to open it and the tears to be released. Only when something traumatizing occurs do I lose control of what holds back the tears. The Shadow Mother, the name I give my birth mother who is gone now, is the one who put my child in that prison many years ago when I was a defenseless child. I couldn’t fight her. Instead I would apologize to her and beg her forgiveness for punishing me. She forced that child to go to the deepest darkest dungeon inside my unconscious where there is no light for her to find her way out.

Those who have experienced or are experiencing brutality, remember and remind yourself that you didn’t do anything to deserve this kind of horrendous treatment. You need healing with the right person or people. I have been fortunate to have met different people in my life that have tried to help me. I feel, though, that I am very close to people in my life who are giving me a great deal of help with their love and support. It helps when you are surrounded by love and understanding. Love is so very important in everyone’s life. I feel that in my life now.

Writing “the secret keeper” has expanded my world and I feel so lucky to have met the people who I found through this world. One could say it is a very magical and mystical world where the unknown and impossible is knowable and possible.

I wondered why my muse wanted to watch movie trailers. She was stalling me until the announcement came through from WordPress, otherwise, I would never have realized the two year anniversary. I suppose I should send out a thank-you to “M” for leading me into the world of blogging. Honestly, I had another blog that I did for a short time. It was the oddest thing. I found myself on WordPress. I do not even remember why and the next thing I knew I had signed up to write a blog. My reaction: “I DID WHAT?” I was wondering what was I thinking about when I did that. I don’t know anything about writing a blog. I let it sit. Then one day I started to write. I wasn’t really myself when I was doing that blog so I gradually diminished its place in my life and that is when I realized I needed to create what eventually became “the secret keeper” but once was called “all is one” — that was named that for my meditative self but not who really needed this blog to be hers. I needed the healer and the to be healed to be what this blog was for and about. “the secret keeper” is for those who have secrets they need to reveal or for those who need a place to open up and have their secrets kept just that “secret.” Some secrets need to be shouted out loud and others need to be shared in a quiet way. The “evil” doers need to be exposed, those in pain need to know they are not alone.

I want to be able to write about any content that needs to be discussed. Hopefully, I have been doing that over the past two years, more being in the last year plus several months. I have made a commitment to myself to post something everyday. So far I have been doing that for awhile now. Doing a post a day has been good for me. It keeps my mind focused and for those who follow me and that I follow, it has been an experience to keep connected with all of you.

I keep growing and learning something all the time. One, that there is not enough time in one day for everything, but you try to fit it all in but find it exhausting and close to impossible but I am not saying it isn’t attempted. We are still learning about that one.

Did my muse or I find anything interesting in the movie trailers? Well, there is a movie with Robert De Niro, Diane Keaton and Susan Sarandon are in that is out now. The Big Wedding and I remember seeing Tom Cruise in one that is rather spooky and takes place in the future. No humans left on Earth as far as I can tell. Oblivion. Then some scary, creepy crap in between. The devil wants a baby. Probably Zombies. I wasn’t playing close attention. In fact, think I was eating cereal at the time. Put “The Big Wedding” trailer on again and it looks funny. Well, the trailer makes me laugh. Oh, the next trailer I do remember now. The movie titled: MUD has feeling of STAND BY ME but more law involved. Stars Matthew McConaughey & Reese Witherspoon and two great kid actors. Roku has some of the wildest choices of channels.

Thank you all for following and hope you find something here that you want to read, listen to, like, or have a comment you’d like to make, or just follow in your own quiet way. Anyway that you like, you are welcome. by Jennifer Kiley j.kiley jk the secret keeper jk the SK

first star on the right — abstract digital art

Metallica — Nothing Else Matters
(One of Several Videos I Posted In My First Month as “the secret keeper” Two Years Ago)

QUOTATIONS on PAST:

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

“You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

“The past is never where you think you left it.” ― Katherine Anne Porter

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” ― Mother Teresa

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.” ― George Harrison

Love Lives True

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Love Lives True
Written by Jennifer Kiley
On 05.03.13
Posted 05.04.13

Schubert — Serenade Orchestra

QUOTATIONS on MYSTICAL:

“Do you not think that there are things which you cannot understand, and yet which are; that some people see things that others cannot? But there are things old and new which must not be contemplate by men´s eyes, because they know -or think they know- some things which other men have told them. Ah, it is the fault of our science that it wants to explain all; and if it explain not, then it says there is nothing to explain.” ― Bram Stoker, Dracula

“Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

“To be sane, he held, was either to be sedated by melancholy or activated by hysteria, two responses which were ‘always and equally warranted for those of sound insight’. All others were irrational, merely symptoms of imaginations left idle, of memories out of work. And above these mundane responses, the only elevation allowable, the only valid transcendence, was a sardonic one: a bliss that annihilated the universe with jeers of dark joy, a mindful ecstasy. Anything else in the way of ‘mysticism’ was a sign of deviation or distraction, and a heresy to the obvious. (“The Medusa”)” ― Thomas Ligotti

“For if the will has nothing to employ it and love has no present object with which to busy itself, the soul finds itself without either support or occupation, its solitude and aridity cause it great distress and its thoughts involve it in the severest conflict.” ― Teresa of Ávila, The Life of Saint Teresa of Ávila by Herself

“In mysticism that love of truth which we saw as the beginning of all philosophy leaves the merely intellectual sphere, and takes on the assured aspect of a personal passion. Where the philosopher guesses and argues, the mystic lives and looks; and speaks, consequently, the disconcerting language of first-hand experience, not the neat dialectic of the schools. Hence whilst the Absolute of the metaphysicians remains a diagram —impersonal and unattainable—the Absolute of the mystics is lovable, attainable, alive.” ― Evelyn Underhill, Mysticism

“It has always been a happy thought to me that the creek runs on all night, new every minute, whether I wish it or know it or care, as a closed book on a shelf continues to whisper to itself its own inexhaustible tale. So many things have been shown so to me on these banks, so much light has illumined me by reflection here where the water comes down, that I can hardly believe that this grace never flags, that the pouring from ever-renewable sources is endless, impartial, and free.” ― Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

“Mystical experiences do not necessarily supply new ideas to the mind, rather, they transform what one believes into what one knows, converting abstract concepts, such as divine love, into vivid, personal, realities.” ― R.M. Jones

“Mystical insight and enlightenment occur when the veil between the worlds is lifted, the worlds are bridged, the gap closes, and we cross over.” ― Tom Cowan, Fire in the Head: Shamanism and the Celtic Spirit

“The heart of creativity is an experience of the mystical union; the heart of the mystical union is an experience of creativity.” ― Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

“Here’s Looking At You Kid”

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“Here’s Looking At You Kid.”
Film: Casablanca
Starring Humphrey Bogart & Ingrid Bergman
Playing Roles of Rick Blaine & Ilsa Lund
Created by jk the secret keeper
Posted 04.28.13

Casablanca: Rick Blaine & Ilsa Lund “Here’s Looking At You Kid.”

Rick: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: But, Richard, no, I… I…

Rick: Now, you’ve got to listen to me! You have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we’d both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn’t that true, Louie?

Captain Renault: I’m afraid Major Strasser would insist.

Ilsa: You’re saying this only to make me go.

Rick: I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: But what about us?

Rick: We’ll always have Paris. We didn’t have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.

Rick: And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.

[Ilsa lowers her head and begins to cry]

Rick: Now, now…

[Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet]

Rick: Here’s looking at you kid.

casablanca 1947

casablanca: rick blaine & ilsa lund in paris cafe 680x540

casablanca: rick blaine & ilsa lund in paris cafe 680×540

casablanca: rick hanging out with sam

casablanca: ilsa role played by ingrid berman

FILM REVIEW of CASABLANCA

“Here’s looking at you kid.”

There are so many memorable lines and scenes in the film “Casablanca.”
Casablanca (1942) Directed by Michael Curtiz: Starring Humphrey Bogart as Rick Blaine; Ingrid Bergman as Ilsa Lund; Peter Lorre as Ugarte; Claude Raines as Louie (Head of Police/Rick’s Friend); Paul Henreid as Victor Laszlo; Sydney Greenstreet as Ferrari, proprietor of the night club The Blue Parrot.

Just one of the fifty films a studio would make each year back in the day. Casablanca was just one of those films thrown into that collection. Who knew it would spring forth and become the success that it is. Today, it is considered one of the top romantic films of all time.

Won for Best Picture 1942 Oscar. One of the most universally admired films ever made. On most lists of the greatest films of all times. Even people who don’t like old films or black and white films love Casablanca. Roger Ebert said he doesn’t think he’s heard of any negative reviews of this film ever. All the characters are all good except the Nazis. Vichy are the French who collaborate with the Nazis.

Rick’s Cafe Americain in Casablanca in French Morocco, where everyone went for entertainment or to hang out for a drink or to go to the back room where there is gambling going on. Here, in Casablanca, some may obtain exit visas but others may wait and wait and wait. At the beginning of the film, you find out that some couriers were killed in the desert and robbed of exit visas. Officials wanting to see a man’s papers, causes the man to freak out, his papers are not in order, so he runs and is shot and killed because he didn’t halt when ordered to. Life is meaningless.

When Louie, the head of the police, is asked by Major Strasser, what is being done about the murder of the couriers, his answer is: “We’ve rounded up the usual suspects.” No one likes Nazis and the head of the Nazis in this movie doesn’t make them any more popular and maybe makes them even less popular. The Marseillaise is the present day French National Anthem. Remember that when you watch Casablanca.

Ugarte shows up and talks to Rick. Wants to have a drink with Rick but as a rule he doesn’t drink with any of the guests of his night club. Ugarte likes to brag to Rick. He just is looking for Rick’s approval but knows that Rick despises him but he is the only person that Ugarte trusts. Rick does finally seem impressed with him. You’ll have to watch the movie to find out why.

Ferrari wants Rick’s place. He is always trying to buy it. It’s the best place in town. Sasha hangs out there and is sort of Rick’s girl friend and is a bit of an alcoholic. It’s understandable she wants to drink the times are during the 2nd World War and it is making everyone edgy and the French are being ruled by the Germans.

Louie and Rick get involved in a conversation and Louie asks why Rick came to such a God Forsaken place like Casablanca. Rick’s a smart ass and says: “It’s for the water.” But, of course, it is a desert. Rick’s is permitted to stay open because he just doesn’t want to get involved. But he has in his hands something that a lot of people are looking for but no one has any idea what that is. Louie tells Rick there is a famous patriot of the war headed for Casablanca. A member of the Gestapo, Major Strasser, is expected at the club. He is a thoroughly disagreeable Nazis but then what Nazi isn’t. That I may say often.

A major happening occurs at Rick’s but he reassures everyone to settle down and get back into enjoying themselves. Rick actually sits down with the Nazis. The Nazis make mention about invading New York. Rick warns them about staying away from certain sections of New York. They may not be safe. They start in talking about Victor Lazslo being on his way. Rick assuring them that he doesn’t plan on getting involved.

Victor Laszlo and Ilsa Lund eventually show up as expected and walk through the cafe and take a seat in the night club. Expect that many will be approaching Victor fairly often because of his importance and how nervous they make the Nazis. Ilsa starts asking about the piano player and who owns the Night Club. Louie tells her it is a man named Rick. Major Strasser is introduced and acts like the ass that he is. Starts applying his power over Laszlo.

It is evident that Ilsa and Victor are close but at this time we know nothing of their relationship other then they are traveling together. Victor leaves her at table to meet a man at the bar and finds out about Ugarte.

Ilsa wants to speak to the piano player. His name is Sam and she asks him to play some of the old songs. There is a sadness between Sam regarding Rick. She wants him to play a the song “As Time Goes By.” Sam sings the song for her. Out comes Rick telling Sam he’s not suppose to play that song. Rick sees Ilsa sitting at her table. The last time Rick saw Ilsa was in Paris when the Germans marched in to take over the city. He was unnerved seeing her again. He was so not himself that he actually had a drink with all at the table breaking his precedent of not drinking with guests of the night club The Americain.

Later back in his rooms, Rick has a bottle, and tells Sam he is not planning on going to bed. He thinks Ilsa is going to show up. Sam isn’t going to leave his boss alone. He starts getting maudlin. “Of all the gin joints in all the world, she walks into mine.” He wants Sam to play “As Time Goes By.” Sam doesn’t want to open the wounds.

Flashback: Paris with Rick and Ilsa driving around in a convertible. then down by the Seine. In the hotel drinking champagne. “Who are you really and what were you before and what did you think?” Ricks asks. Ilsa’s response: “We said no questions.” All the best lines in these scenes. So many to write down and remember. She reveals an answer without the question. Watch the movie to find out what she told Rick.

Outside, newspapers are being passed around. The Germans are coming I believe are the headlines and what they are saying in French over the microphones. There is a lot of action going on out in the streets.

The most famous line is spoken by Rick toasting champagne with Sam and Ilsa: “Here’s looking at you kid.” Everything is falling apart. “Where were you ten years ago?” Rick said he was looking for a job. For some reason there is a price on Rick’s head but no one knows why. It’s time for everyone to leave Paris. Their suppose to meet at the train station from where they will be leaving. Ilsa loves him so much and the war, she hates that in just the opposite emotion. She thinks that they will be taken apart. “Kiss me as if it is the last time.”

It’s raining at the train station. With three minutes until last train leaves. No Ilsa but Sam and Rick are waiting. There is a note from the Hotel. Fade Out Paris Train Station as you watch the rain wash the ink off of the note in Rick’s hand.

Fade In: Rick’s Rooms enter Ilsa. She wants to talk to him, to tell him a story. It’s about a girl who meets a man, a very courageous man. She looked up to him. She thought it was love. Who did she leave him for? Laszlo or others in between?

Victor and Ilsa meet Strasser at Police station. Strasser guarantees Laszlo will never receive an exit visa. His only way to leave is to be a traitor to his people. Do you really think he is the type of man to be a traitor. Nazis have no sense of integrity so they do not understand an enigma like Victor Laszlo. An important person to their leaving has been reported to be dead.

Rick visits The Blue Parrot and talks with Ferrari, who wants the letters of transit. He tells Rick he thinks he knows where the letters are. Rick purposely left his club so the police would have a chance to ransack it. Louie’s men were impressively destructive at Rick’s Place in order to win points with Major Strasser. Louie blows with the wind. He is with the Vichy. The Vichy being the French who go along and reluctantly support the French. The French who are loyal to their own country feel betrayed by the Vichy.

A young woman comes to Rick to plead for some help. She will have to sleep with Louie if her husband doesn’t win enough money so they can afford a visa. If they use only the money they have there would be nothing left. Louise fully expects her to have sex with him if the money isn’t won. Louie sees that the young woman and Rick are being obvious about conspiring. They are all in the backroom where the gambling goes on. Louie is an odd duck. Louie accuses Rick of being a rank sentimentalist.

Victor has a visit with Rick. The Underground tell Victor all sorts of very impressive things about activities that Rick was involved in during the war.

In Rick’s Cafe, the Nazis are singing about the Fatherland. It is so despicable to the French in the club that they have a singing competition. Guess who wins. Strasser is not very satisfied. He tells Louie to find an excuse to close Rick’s. He tells Rick the reason is because he is shocked that gambling is going on in his club.

Strasser just keeps getting creepier. Threatens Ilsa.

Later Ilsa and Victor speak about the letters of transit and what Rick said about asking his wife why he won’t give up the letters.

Ilsa goes to Rick’s rooms and tries to get letters from him. She wants to tell him what really happened in Paris. The feelings between them, have they been buried or are they gone? The truth comes out. She had no hope that Victor was alive when she was in Paris with Rick.

Victor and Rick talk. They are not that far apart in what they believe.

Louie and Rick talk about letters. Louie doesn’t like Strasser.

Approaching the final few scenes of the film. Cafe Americain is still closed by order of the Prefect of Police. Ferrari has taken over the Cafe. Louie thinks he is at Cafe to arrest Laszlo but Rick surprises him and makes him call the airport to tell them that there is to be no trouble about two letters of transit. Everything is building up to the excitement of what is all going to culminate in some of the biggest surprises yet in the film.

Best closing scenes in any movie and best closing lines. Memorable til the final line.

For the rest of the film and to fill in all the spaces that I have left out, you will need to find a copy of this film on DVD or streaming from online or whatever source you are able to find to watch the whole thing and to see how it ends. It is a thoroughly amazing film to watch. It seems the perfect film in detail, dialogue, scenes, settings, storyline, acting and durability. It has all the perfect elements and the best acting. Filled with sentiment and sacrifice. I first saw this film when I was in my 20s. It was such a surprise that I did not see it when I was a kid. It is understandable for older children and a fascinating film for all adults.

The following videos do have SPOILERS so watch them if you have seen the film already or if you don’t mind seeing scenes before seeing the film. I am sure a great many of you have watched this film. But if you haven’t, it should be on everyone’s’ film list as a must see. The sheer acting alone and the love story and the screenplay is brilliant. The cast is to die for. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman play the leads. They are two of the finest actors of all times. Worthy of anyone’s time to find out how great they are in Casablanca. No one had any idea what a remarkable film this was going to turn out to be. The special benefit if this film is you get to hate the Nazis and you get to curse them out without impunity. It has the most classic lines of almost any film ever made. Enjoy the videos and seriously consider locating this film if you haven’t seen it and find it so you can watch it again. “Here’s Looking At You Kid.” jk the SK

Tribute To Casablanca
Filled With Spoilers

Casablanca La Marseillaise

All About the Film “Casablanca”

The relationship between Rick and Ilsa was filled with Desire. I am going to write a poem about Desire in my new form of Haiku. I refer to it as X-treme Haiku. I use an altered form of Haiku with the onji (lines) in the 5 – 7 – 7. I do as few or as many verses as I feel will tell the story that I am writing. Sometimes the story will more often be a touch abstract and other times it may be a philosophical exploration, or a story that may have the appearance of something that may b close in resemblance to a fable. With X-treme Haiku I want to allow myself the freedom to write about what I want but to also include restriction which will encourage restraint on my part so that I will write more concisely with the use of fewer words that will contain an understanding and a discipline toward accuracy. I have been using this style of X-treme Haiku for a short while now and find it makes me more disciplined. It involves research and a greater understanding of the words I use. Being precise about definitions of the language I am using. There is a cleanness to the design. The other rules are for myself and they include the use of words. I do not or try not to repeat a word within the same verse or if possible within the same poem unless absolutely necessary. I like mystery in my poems so I do have the tendency to be a touch cryptic and/or abstract. I like analyzing what it is I am writing about. I am honest about whatever it is I have chosen to write about. I believe in going into the depths of what I mean in what I write. Truth is essential. Directness is essential. Abstraction is often essential. I believe in creating a puzzle that must be deciphered. I do not often hand out the simplicity of a matter. A specific reason for that is when I am writing I am also trying to interpret and examine in depth what subject is I am writing on and usually for the purpose of trying to understand what is within or what it is about that I am writing. Now to the poem.

x-treme haiku: “desire” by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Play It, Sam — As Time Goes By

QUOTATIONS on FILM & DESIRE:

FILM:

“The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.” ― Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

“It starts so young, and I’m angry about that. The garbage we’re taught. About love, about what’s “romantic.” Look at so many of the so-called romantic figures in books and movies. Do we ever stop and think how many of them would cause serious and drastic unhappiness after The End? Why are sick and dangerous personality types so often shown a passionate and tragic and something to be longed for when those are the very ones you should run for your life from? Think about it. Heathcliff. Romeo. Don Juan. Jay Gatsby. Rochester. Mr. Darcy. From the rigid control freak in The Sound of Music to all the bad boys some woman goes running to the airport to catch in the last minute of every romantic comedy. She should let him leave. Your time is so valuable, and look at these guys–depressive and moody and violent and immature and self-centered. And what about the big daddy of them all, Prince Charming? What was his secret life? We dont know anything about him, other then he looks good and comes to the rescue.” ― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

“Only the gentle are ever really strong.” ― James Dean

“Certain things leave you in your life and certain things stay with you. And that’s why we’re all interested in movies- those ones that make you feel, you still think about. Because it gave you such an emotional response, it’s actually part of your emotional make-up, in a way.” ― Tim Burton, Burton on Burton

“Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.” I been sayin’ that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. .45 here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd. — he became the shepherd instead of the vengeance.” ― Quentin Tarantino

“A good movie can take you out of your dull funk and the hopelessness that so often goes with slipping into a theatre; a good movie can make you feel alive again, in contact, not just lost in another city. Good movies make you care, make you believe in possibilities again. If somewhere in the Hollywood-entertainment world someone has managed to break through with something that speaks to you, then it isn’t all corruption. The movie doesn’t have to be great; it can be stupid and empty and you can still have the joy of a good performance, or the joy in just a good line. An actor’s scowl, a small subversive gesture, a dirty remark that someone tosses off with a mock-innocent face, and the world makes a little bit of sense. Sitting there alone or painfully alone because those with you do not react as you do, you know there must be others perhaps in this very theatre or in this city, surely in other theatres in other cities, now, in the past or future, who react as you do. And because movies are the most total and encompassing art form we have, these reactions can seem the most personal and, maybe the most important, imaginable. The romance of movies is not just in those stories and those people on the screen but in the adolescent dream of meeting others who feel as you do about what you’ve seen. You do meet them, of course, and you know each other at once because you talk less about good movies than about what you love in bad movies.” ― Pauline Kael, For Keeps: 30 Years at the Movies

“Books and movies, they are not mere entertainment. They sustain me and help me cope with my real life.” ― Arlaina Tibensky

DESIRE:

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ― Epicurus

“Things are sweeter when they’re lost. I know–because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.” ― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

“She leaned forward and caught at his hand, pressing it between her own. The touch was like white fire through his veins. He could not feel her skin only the cloth of her gloves, and yet it did not matter. You kindled me, heap of ashes that I am, into fire. He had wondered once why love was always phrased in terms of burning. The conflagration in his own veins, now, gave the answer.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

“Desiring another person is perhaps the most risky endeavor of all. As soon as you want somebody—really want him—it is as though you have taken a surgical needle and sutured your happiness to the skin of that person, so that any separation will now cause a lacerating injury.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

“I desire to be with you. I miss you. I feel lonely when I can’t see you. I am obsessed with you, fascinated by you, infatuated with you. I hunger for your taste, your smell, the feel of your soul touching mine.” ― Jack Llawayllynn, Indulgence

“Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone.” ― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

Happy Birthday 4/26/13 Stana Katic

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Happy Birthday 4/26/13 Stana Katic
Created by Jennifer Kiley
Redesigned Material from the secret keeper posts
Posted April 26th 2013

je t’aime stana par j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

being as it’s to time by j. kiley © jennifer kiley

Castle/Beckett — Best Love Story Part One

Castle/Beckett — Best Love Story Part Two

Castle/Beckett — Best Love Story Part Three

Philip Wesley — Two Souls

QUOTATIONS on DESIRE:

“To crave and to have are as like as a thing and its shadow. For when does a berry break upon the tongue as sweetly as when one longs to taste it, and when is the taste refracted into so many hues and savors of ripeness and earth, and when do our senses know any thing so utterly as when we lack it? And here again is a foreshadowing — the world will be made whole. For to wish for a hand on one’s hair is all but to feel it. So whatever we may lose, very craving gives it back to us again.” ― Marilynne Robinson, Housekeeping

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” ― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

“I want her to melt into me, like butter on toast. I want to absorb her and walk around for the rest of my days with her encased in my skin. — I want.” ― Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants

“Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone.” ― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

“But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise on your lips.”
― Kahlil Gibran

“Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“Desire makes life happen. Makes it matter. Makes everything worth it. Desire is life. Hunger to see the next sunrise or sunset, to touch the one you love, to try again. “Hell would be waking up and wanting nothing.” ― Karen Marie Moning, Shadowfever

“Language is a skin: I rub my language against the other. It is as if I had words instead of fingers, or fingers at the tip of my words. My language trembles with desire.” ― Roland Barthes

“I have outlasted all desire,
My dreams and I have grown apart;
My grief alone is left entire,
The gleamings of an empty heart.

The storms of ruthless dispensation
Have struck my flowery garland numb,
I live in lonely desolation
And wonder when my end will come.

Thus on a naked tree-limb, blasted
By tardy winter’s whistling chill,
A single leaf which has outlasted
Its season will be trembling still.”
― Alexander Pushkin

“There is no fulfillment that is not made sweeter for the prolonging of desire”
― Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel’s Dart

“Please, touch me, I pray.” ― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

“Oh to have you with me, to have you here, not to be alone, but to be with you, my beauty, you of all souls! You.” ― Anne Rice, Pandora

“I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close.” ― Jeanette Winterson

“….love and desire enjoy a symbiotic relationship, meaning that one cannot exist without the other. Desire is an enemy to contentment; desire is illness, a feverish brain. Who can be considered healthy who wants? The very word want suggests a lack, an impoverishment, and that is what desire is: an impoverishment of the brain, a flaw, a mistake.” ― Lauren Oliver, Delirium

“When you were a wandering desire in the mist, I too was there, a wandering desire. Then we sought one another, and out of our eagerness dreams were born. And dreams were time limitless, and dreams were space without measure.” ― Kahlil Gibran

“Her cheeks were flushed. She caught hold of the Savage’s arm and pressed it, limp, against her side. He looked down at her for a moment, pale, pained, desiring, and ashamed of his desire. He was not worthy, not… Their eyes for a moment met. What treasures hers promised! A queen’s ransom of temperament. Hastily he looked away, disengaged his imprisoned arm. He was obscurely terrified lest she should cease to be something he could feel himself unworthy of.” ― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

“To be desired is perhaps the closest anybody in this life can reach to feeling immortal.” ― John Berger

“Anxiety and desire are two, often conflicting, orientations to the unknown. Both are tilted toward the future. Desire implies a willingness, or a need, to engage this unknown, while anxiety suggests a fear of it. Desire takes one out of oneself, into the possibility or relationship, but it also takes one deeper into oneself. Anxiety turns one back on oneself, but only onto the self that is already known.” ― Mark Epstein, Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life – Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy

“Because life is short. I feel we’re made of a hunger, a desire for life – if that can be described as a material. As I get older, I’m trying to open that channel more. If you don’t, if you close off desire and get complacent, life loses its freshness and sweetness, and that’s what I crave. That’s my bliss.” ― Sarah Slean

Only Love

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Only Love
Poem & Story by Jennifer Kiley
Videos & Photographs by Shawn MacKenzie
© Shawn Mackenzie
Extra Photographs by J. Kiley
© jennifer kiley
Created Post 04.24.13
Posted 04.25.13

I am recording a post that takes us back in time to show when the little ones Poe, Parker and Carter were climbing around barely but they are the loves of our life. This is then. I will be including in the first video I post a visit into arriving at the NOW. They were born April 22nd 2012. The second one will be a video made two days ago. Shawn made a beautiful video for their birthday. I wanted to compare the two videos together to see how they have changed. Both are on this Post and easily found. I started this on FB but decided it belonged on The Secret Keeper. I am opening up and letting you in to a precious part of our world. Our Animals.

Only Love — Melissa Etheridge — Our Kittens b. 04.22.2012

Our Love Child is Carter, the one with the white bib, also nick-named Sparky. He is the Zen Master of our home. The most gentle of bears until yesterday when he tried to give Saki, our Amazon Parrot, a bear hug. He was swiftly removed and pointedly reprimanded for his behavior.

carter being pensive while daydreaming

Saki is a toy to him but he knows he is not allowed such freedoms of his instinctual nature to manifest itself. The three kittens will learn like our other cats, that it is unacceptable behavior at all times. Respect the Beak or Beware of the Pain. Saki has been quite good about not demonstrating what Respect The Beak really means but if she must, SHE MUST. I will not hold her back if it ever came to that.

saki

saki hanging five

Beware the Beak: Has anyone out there been bitten by an Amazon Parrot when she really means it? Trust me it is extremely painful and can go down to the bone. LOTS OF PAIN INVOLVED. Saki protects me by biting me to alert me I am in danger. Which actually, in most cases, not true. Her bites can be casual or go deep into flesh and hurt like Hell. One needs to clean out carefully and make the wound bleed if it is not already doing so. Her beak goes in so deep and the opening closes so fast. Lesson for the day. BEWARE of the BEAK. :-) We ♥ all our babies furry & especially feathery.

chin love their bliss spots

sagan aka buddha baby

willow — an extremely special chin — she is watching over us in the mist

On April 22nd 2013, their one year old Birthday. We had quite the adventure with them. A special treat: Shawn set up our playpen for our chinchillas to romp around in. The first time for the kittens Poe, Parker and Carter to witness this exciting newness. The chins had always been too small to be allowed to use it. It would have been too easily for them to slip through. They are now big enough and the kittens are old enough to experience the excitement and show respect at the same time.

carter the wise

poe parker on top carter to left

carter in his box

carter with brother poe snuggling and huggling 960x720

carter with brother poe snuggling and huggling 960×720

Of course, Parker decided he was going to jump over the top and join Sagan and Sundance as they ran around. It was momentarily okay until Parker reached out one of his paws to place on top of either Sagan or Sundance. I missed this happening. That is how quickly Shawn responded and whisked Parker out of the playpen. Now that the test trial is over with the playpen, we will have to enact the play time for both kittens and chins more often. Well, the video is a treat Shawn created that shows in stills how the kittens went from wee little creatures to almost full grown ones.

Carter is the one with the white bib and I must admit the favorite of many. But all are unique in their own forms of expression. We were blessed with being given a stray kitten herself, Gatsby, just over a year ago and a week later finding out we were going to be blessed with kittens also. They all filled a gap of many cats we lost over the years from a certain damned disease that effects so many people and only so recently a cat named Spootie-paws.

Spootiepaws Regal

She was my almost constant lap cat for many years but still too few not to miss her terribly when she had to be taken from us. We had to decide her death. And yes, the dreaded disease of Cancer took her also. Surgery didn’t help except to give us two more weeks with her. I posted the gorgeous picture of her just above and I will post one of her rather silly ones also. We love our animals so deeply. Enjoy What Shawn did with this video. She surprised me with the song she chose to cover as a soundtrack. I will hint that it is from the Broadway Show “RENT.” jk the SK

Surprise Song — Birthday One Year Old on April 22 2013 — Poe Parker Carter

The photo of our Great and Powerful “Spootie-paws” – our most majestic of kitties, shows how regal she could be and also how she can have those silly moments, too. I wrote a poem for her after she had to be put to death. She went from touching my nose at the Animal Shelter where I picked her out as the one we wanted to take home so she could join our family. She loved Shawn and rather tolerated me but slowly we got close. A brief moment here and there on my foot stool to take a nap. Gradually, she worked her way up to my lap over the early years and eventually it was seldom that she wasn’t in my lap always, while tried to type on my laptop, my comments for FB and eventually my blog the secret keeper and of course when I was working on my creative writings, emails and dissertations about one cause or another. All my lap kitties seemed to disappear into the mist at a rather rapid pace. Now there are none.

spootie-paws rather sily and hitting the catnip

spootie-paws rather silly and hitting the catnip in our old kitchen. now it is complete new but she never got to enjoy the new one

But something seems to be happening with Sigmund lately. He just started snuggling up close to me in bed and loves to get under the covers. He, also, runs to the bathroom when I head that way so he can get a drink of water at the faucet. I’ve taught several of our cats and kittens to enjoy drinking fresh water in that way. always the water is set just short of dripping so they do get enough water to drink

sigmund snuggling with shawn

sigmund posing in basket

Schroeder does like to snuggle next to me.

schroader after play with degues bubble and squeak

Now that we have a new couch Spike snuggles right next to my thigh or if my legs on up on the couch, Spike likes to intertwine between my ankles. It is great to have the warmth of a cat on a cold winters night.

spike’s towering during imaginary mountain climbing or maybe a tree or two

spike with soyer

this is sanji our smaller version of a totally black lion. he’s big brother and protector to all the kittens and mom gatsby

I miss altogether not having any dogs. Shawn and I had dogs from the start of our relationship up until we had to have Chaucer, our very last dog put to death. It was a difficult decision but it was the right one. Who doesn’t feel guilty when that decision has to be made. It is a fucking difficult and almost impossible decision to make. When their mental faculties are intact but their bodies are not.

chaucer our terrier looked like this when she was planning on how to teach out Amazon Parrot Saki learn how to bark. And she learned the lesson all so well. Too bloody extremely WELL

when chaucer was a puppy before she was abandoned in a state park totally on her own. but she was found and we adopted her. she was a happy cheerful escape artist of the keenly cute kind. no matter what we did with the fence. it didn’t keep her in

Anyway, as you can see I found the two photos I was thinking about that make Spootie in one look Magnificently Regal and in the other like she had been hitting the NIP far above the normal use. Catnip is a part of nature and so far they haven’t banned that and made it illegal. I suppose the government doesn’t care much if cats are stoned and out of control of their well controlled senses. As you can see Spootie-paws is on display and I found the poem that I wrote shortly before her death and dedicated to her. She was and is a part of my soul.

spootie-paws lying over computer keyboard

Spootie-paws Memory Poem

reached out and touched my soul by j. kiley (c) jennifer kiley 2013

QUOTATIONS on CATS:

“The only escape from the miseries of life are music and cats…” ― Albert Schweitzer

“What greater gift than the love of a cat.” ― Charles Dickens

“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.” ― Ernest Hemingway

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.” ― Leonardo da Vinci

“I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.” ― Jean Cocteau

“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience.” ― Pam Brown

“Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons.” ― Robertson Davies

“Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.” ― James Herriot, James Herriot’s Cat Storie

“I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through.” ― Jules Verne

“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” ― Hippolyte Taine

“Holding this soft, small living creature in my lap this way, though, and seeing how it slept with complete trust in me, I felt a warm rush in my chest. I put my hand on the cat’s chest and felt his heart beating. The pulse was faint and fast, but his heart, like mine, was ticking off the time allotted to his small body with all the restless earnestness of my own.” ― Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

“What sort of philosophers are we, who know absolutely nothing of the origin and destiny of cats?” ― Henry David Thoreau

“That’s the great secret of creativity. You treat ideas like cats: you make them follow you.” ― Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing

“There are several cats smoothly moving about, which helped me greatly to relax, for I have always felt that no house is wholly bad where there are cats, and conversely, where there are several cats, a house is bound to be wonderfully charming.” ― Hans Holzer, The Ghost Hunter

Letters of Import: Hidden Within 6

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Letters of Import: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst
Hidden Within 6
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Illustrated & abstract digital art by j. kiley
© jennifer kiley 2013
First Posting 03.19.13
Posted Early Tuesday Morning
Sixth Posting 04.23.13 Tuesday, November 5th 2007

Dear Annie,

In my letter this week, I want to tell you some important things you need to know about the relationship between myself and another member of the group. It came to me that it would make sense for you to get to know me through other members of the group. I speak of two groups, the one you and I meet with every Tuesday and there is the all important group that live inside my own head. Where to begin? I thought I would be talking to you about Angie today.

The way she acted in group today was just a bit dramatic. I try to be understanding. I know about suicide. If it isn’t in my daily or weekly vigil when I sit with my mind I wouldn’t understand why she gets so obsessed with it. Her’s is different than mine. I think through the process, always living through the sensations of dying. But mine is more like the third act of a Shakespeare play. Except Juliet wakes up in time.

Mr. Xxx plays directly into her manipulation. She is not the only member of the group that has suicide on their speed dial. I, sincerely, want to be more compassionate but when someone takes up all the group time continuously, leaving no room for anyone else to talk. It gets tiring to listen. Call it selfish. Well, it is. I talk to Mr. Xxx about it and he tells me I am being insensitive. Well, excuse me, but it is my therapy time, too. I’m not the only one who will tell you they feel abandoned and also have strong feelings and thoughts of suicide.

Mr. Xxx has his two favorites and fuck the rest of us. It puts a giant wedge between our therapist and all of us inside of me. We feel neglected and ignored and abandoned. It isn’t really cool if a therapist repeats the habits of one’s childhood caregivers. He’s great at fucking people up. But Fuck this. I decided I don’t want to think about group any more. Except to say that you need to rescue us. I will speak for myself. I am mentally creative. The other terms I reject. I know I am bipolar and have a list of other mentally creative ways of using my mind but I need to be rescued.

I need to find my soul. It got buried underneath an ocean of invisibly blocked tears. If I ever get to a place when I am able to cry when I allow myself to own my sadness, Noah better be ready to build another arc. You think Alice got washed away in Wonderland. My pool of tears far exceed the norm. Since I was a kid and the tears were made to stop, I feel ashamed when even the slightest hint that a tear is going to escape the corner of my eye. I freeze. I become so embarrassed. I am so afraid for anyone, even myself sometimes, if I should get caught crying.

I can only cry at death. It breaks me down. I am so vulnerable to only specific deaths. My doctor died a few years ago. She was younger than I am now. It was a shock to everyone who knew her. I use to see her every week. It was a particularly bad time emotionally and mentally. Every suicidal method of escape had to be hidden from me. That meant I had to see her every week to pick up my psyche meds. She was my supplier. I’d get my meds. We’d talk. I felt we were getting close. Then I would meet with my psychotherapist after I saw Anne. Yes, her name was Anne. That’s what makes your name so nice. I love the sound of it.

It is so difficult for me to trust anyone. It seems I am a curse to them. They just keep dying. And they are always so young and have full lives to live. We just don’t know when death is coming for us. A woman I loved deeply, died so suddenly. I never thought the pain would ever be bearable. I think it’s bearable because the feelings are in hiding. I am taking my chances with you. I want to be open with you. Call it a compulsion. Something echos in my head about you. A voice calls to me. It’s coming from inside of you. You want me to be connected to you. I’m not sure why but you want to get to know me. If that is true, I feel exactly the same way. The feeling is strong that we are meant to know each other. We are meant to get close. I think we will. Let’s just give it some time. When the moment is right, we’ll know it. It will be like fireworks. Everyone will notice.

One last thing I want to be perfectly clear, I am a lesbian and I have alters, other personalities. They all come with DID, dissociative identity disorder, and still I am blessed with bipolar, too. I go high. I go low. I change into different personalities, never knowing who might pop out. It is a curse and a blessing. I got the positive, the creative energy DNA. It gave me other blessings, also. I’ll save those for another time.

My most pronounced alter is Brad. He gets really protective. His rages scare the shit out of anyone at the other end of his outbursts. I promise he will respect you. I won’t let him get angry with you ever. He does listen to me most of the time. The abusers helped create them, the group. The first one born is Marnie. She was abused while we were just a baby, barely able to walk. Our bastard of a father abused her until we were a teenager. The last time was when he attacked us and we fought back but we don’t remember winning. We buried that memory for years.

Why do you have that effect on me. You have cast a spell on me. An Honesty spell. Ask me anything. I’d give you the truth. Maybe I better stop now. I told you far too much. This is going to kick back on me. I can feel the triggers ready to shot me full of regret. But I want you to get to know me. Next time we talk, it’s going to be about you. I want to get to know you. As much as you are willing to share. I know you shrinks don’t like to share much but I am someone you can trust. I would never abuse your trust.

I want to close this letter with a poem I wrote that I thought would be revealing. It is the first poem I have written since I started seeing Mr. Xxx, other than the one I wrote about Princess Diana after she was killed. I am trusting you not to laugh. It is rather primitive but also raw and revealing. I think getting to know you has inspired me to start to write again. It is scary for me to share this but I want you to read it. I’d like to know what you think of it. Keep in mind it has been a long time. I wrote this a few days ago. I will leave it at the end of the letter.

I don’t expect you to respond to my poem after you read it. It is only given to you so you will see what is going on inside of me. Something that may help you to understand a deeper part of who we are inside. Try not to be a critic. Instead look at the feelings and the pain of the betrayal that confused my whole life and created who I am or who we are. That almost kept us from staying alive. But we fought through their trying to destroy us. We wouldn’t let them. Even though they tried really hard to steal every part of us away so we wouldn’t even know who we were and who we are now. The last part of the poem, I am not entirely sure we know the answer to that, the who we are bit. Keep this in mind while you read it. What is contained in the poem is what I have been trying to work out now and have been working on since I started this trip as a teenager.

Don’t worry, I will tell you more as the weeks go by and we get to know you. We really do want you to know us. Somehow I think everyone wants someone important to them, to know who they are and to mean something special to them. You are one of those people to me. I want someday to be important to you as I am finding that you are becoming important to me. It makes life more meaningful somehow. To share your self with someone else. Someone you love and care about and to hope and have them care and love you back. It is a special feeling to share that with someone. It is happening inside of me with you. Someday, I would like it if you knew that about me. Someday, I hope you will.

Well, I better stop now or I will write more than I mean to write and say too much and scare you away. So, until our next moment of honesty I will say I care about you, even though I don’t know you well. You just give off something that makes a person want to care. Read my poem with an open mind and open heart. Good-bye for now.

Regards,
Madison
This is to ensure that I write these in the strictest of confidence.

To Annie,

Regards,
Madison Taylor.

Madison Tayler’s Fantasy of Annie Haskell’s Office as a Psychoanalyst. Not real.

Maksim — Somewhere In Time — Theme Song #1 For “Letters of Import”
“Who Am I?”
By Madison Taylor
Nov. 5th 2007

“Who am I
The writer
The lover
The thinker
Or the fool for not hearing
The silence for not screaming
The feelings trying to explode
Where was the awareness?
We say quietly
Welcome to the surface
Now what needs to be done?

Releasing the energy ensnared
For decades amongst twisted webs
The voice is seeking freedom
Holding onto multiple secrets
Of rape
Of abuse
Of wanting love
Of not wanting sex
Of not wanting sexual arousal
Of creating a world locking us inside our mind
Of leaving the outside one behind
Of living a fake life
Of a fake person
Of a puppet we sent out to represent
To hide in plain site
Where no one would find us
Or know our hiding place
We learned to be safe
That world no longer protects us
It has changed
We are learning
Beginning to live
Finding answers to questions
Finding our place
In a world we have a right
To live in
We are here
Wanting to be alive
We chose life.”

Roger Williams — Somewhere In Time (1980 Theme Song # 6 for Letter of Import: Hidden Motives 6

labyrinth of a wandering wonderland where madison, scottie and their cats, Sparky, Patrick and Toker, love to escape to

QUOTATIONS from: LETTERS of IMPORT: Private Writings to a Psychoanalyst

“A Dream

The beginning always starts out with a dream.
It is all a dream
And we are all players
In our own nightmares”
— Madison Taylor

“For that fine madness still he did retain,
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain.”
~Michael Drayton~
(1563-1631)

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”
Christopher Marlowe for “Hero and Leander”

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” ― Roald Dahl

Imagining...is better than remembering something wp.me/p1xQha-3lf @occultguardian Human sexuality makes farcical r serious intentions...imagination 16 hours ago
“Imagining...is better than remembering something” wp.me/p1xQha-3lf...imagination 17 hours ago
The Mystery of Storytelling wp.me/p1xQha-3kX @occultguardian There is no doubt fiction makes a better job of the truth Doris Lessing...imagination 2 days ago
The Mystery of Storytelling wp.me/p1xQha-3kX...imagination 2 days ago
It's Time For... wp.me/p1xQha-3kL...imagination 3 days ago
Letters of Import: Incompetency Revealed 10 wp.me/p1xQha-3g5 @occultguardian problem w/ incompetence...inability 2 recognize itself....imagination 4 days ago
Letters of Import: Incompetency Revealed 10 wp.me/p1xQha-3g5...imagination 4 days ago

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the secret keeper

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