Dedicated To Whitney Houston
And April Snow
Happy Birthday April
I miss you both…

transe mystique par j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

I’ll Live My Life the Way I Feel
By Jennifer Kiley

I’ll live my life the way I feel. No matter what I’m gonna keep it real. I’ve had some mentors who’ve guided me through. To make it so far through difficult times. The highs so high that I crashed many times. Landing on the ground there were deep dark holes. I needed help climbing to the surface again. I know that time isn’t over but I need to learn. How to find control of my behavior. I can drive those close to me a touch crazy. And I’m the one touched with the pixie dust

My psychotherapist has her moments. I get Tigger bouncy in my chair. It’s excitement. I’m rather enthusiastic. So much activity in my head. Too much to put forth. Not enough space. We had an extra half hour today. That wasn’t even close to long enough. We had what most would call quite bizarre moments. It was the topic of discussion. Diversive. Serious but a wrench thrown in the path. There is an emergency therapist I can see if need be. A humorous conclusion to that.

My therapist, she told me that I would scare the shit out of her. Too much for her to handle. She wouldn’t get me. A polite way of saying that there is more Mad Hatter than Alice inside of me. Obsessed with the white rabbit. Wanting to understand everything in analytical detail. Any thought of suicide would make her freak out. She wouldn’t get the difference from feeling suicidal and actually carrying out the act. When you feel suicidal, you are actually too exhausted and confused when depressed to do it. Mania is a completely different state of things. What you might do then is quite unpredictable. I should clarify that I heard the first about being suicidal and not having the energy. When I was a teen, I would say I tested that theory and it failed but at this time it seems to be a correct analysis of my present behavior.

Diversion of thought made me think of something that I say which drives everyone crazy. When I say the three words: “just a second,” I have been told could turn into endless time. At least my “just a second” could. Just saying it tends to piss people off. I get lost inside of time or maybe it’s really outside of time. My concentration removes me from my environ and I float in my own space until I am complete in achieving my goal. My therapist told me I need to work on that by putting my laptop aside, at least during those times when “just a second” is not appropriate and a touch rude or careless or callous. Not meaning to be but understand when I am gone in my head and don’t recognize what others need and it may be my attention.

If I want to do things my way that would mean writing most of the time. Or reading. The occasional film and to always listen to music. Unless that meant being rude at home. Not out in public. I have to shut out the outside world. I like to shut out the excess noise. Noise can agitate me at times. I need to think, usually about what I want to write or I am writing. Sometimes at home noise can bother me, too. It frays my nerves and agitates me. I just need silence.

Is that living in a fantasy or strictly speaking just being creatively driven…I do like the occasional interruption of certain human contact or parrot or furry contact. Plus every now and then to have interruptions of sleep with the occasional cryptic dream. It’s the nightmares I wish to have eliminated from my lucid dreams. Particularly, the nightmares that cause me to witness my own murder. Yes, I have witnessed and felt him, a collection of hims, actually murder me in the most bizarre methods.

Random thoughts…Fragments existing in a mind disturbed by multiple events overwhelming my senses. Trying to turn this into anything but a distorted stream of consciousness feels like the extent to which my mind can function. What originally started out as the attempt to write a poem fell off the tracks and reverted into this varied collection of inner cryptic revelations. An experimental demonstration of stress mixed with outer revelation that has been a culmination of rather outlandish stories of possible truths that are so out there that I have lost track of what I believe. Why I have found myself on this track of overwhelming but obsessive revelations, I am not wholly sure but I believe I am meant to be exposed to secrets that could drive any sane mind over the edge of madness.

I keep processing the input and cannot stop following the path that may lead me to the core of the truth or falseness of what I am learning. Cryptic I must be for fear that what I am learning could be dangerous to really know. There are secrets that may not be meant to be known. But I follow their proof of existence. If what I am discovering has any basis in reality then this world is really fucked up and darkness surrounds us all by those we would never believe who partake in this darkness. I refrain in using the “D” word or the “S” word but I will say EVIL. It’s interesting that if you add just one letter then you have made a step in the right direction. jk the secret keeper ps. If this makes no sense, I don’t think it is meant to or I want it to, to me or to you or anyone that is not a part of it.

“…I’ll Live My Life the Way I Feel…”
Song Title: “Try It On My Own”
Singer: Whitney Houston
(Breaking away from those who wanted and did control her. This looks that way on the video track. It is a powerful song and hearing and seeing Whitney sing it is inspiring.)

Try It On My Own-Whitney Houston
Video Created by j. kiley