Tag Archives: suicidal thoughts

Genius or Madness?

Genius or Madness?
“Up/Down” Bipolar Disorder Documentary
Post Created by Jk the SK
Illustrated by j. kiley
Created May 12th 2013
Posted May 13th 2013

Original Transcript
6 November 2012
Genius or Madness?
Professor Glenn Wilson

“Great wits are sure to madness near allied, and thin partitions do their bounds divide” (John Dryden, 1681).
“There is no great genius without a tincture of madness” (Seneca, 1st Century A.D.).silver divider between paragraphs

dali  spider of the evening 1024x768

dali spider of the evening

silver divider between paragraphsMany great artists and scientists appear to have gone slightly mad following their lofty achievements. Isaac Newton was arguably the greatest physicist of all time, introducing the concept of gravity and making major advances in optics, mechanics and mathematics. He was also intensely suspicious and distrustful of others and in later life dabbled in alchemy and sought hidden messages in the Bible. Of course, alchemy was not thought a mad pursuit in Newton’s day and he could have been afflicted with mercury poisoning as a result of his experiments.silver divider between paragraphs
dali   the disintegration of the persistance of memory  1030x800

dali the disintegration of the persistance of memory

silver divider between paragraphsBeethoven and Van Gogh are also said to have gone progressively mad, though the reasons are equally debatable. Beethoven’s mania may have been due to alcoholism, syphilis, or lead poisoning (apart from his profound deafness, which would distress anyone, let alone a musician). There are theories that Van Gogh’s mood swings were caused by porphyria rather than bipolar disorder, that he lost his ear in a duel with Gauguin (claiming self-injury to maintain his friendship) and that his “suicide” was an accidental shooting by two boys playing cowboys (whom he also protected).silver divider between paragraphs
van gogh  starry night on the rhone  932x687

van gogh starry night on the rhone

silver divider between paragraphsFor others, the genius and madness appear in parallel. Nikola Tesla was a brilliant applied scientist whose inventions rivaled those of Edison. He obtained around 300 patents in radio and electricity technologies, pioneering alternating current and hydroelectric power. However, he claimed to be in communication with other planets, to have invented “death rays” and suffered from bizarre compulsions.silver divider between paragraphs
van gogh bridge  1102x828

van gogh bridge

silver divider between paragraphsJohn Nash, the Nobel-winning mathematician who developed “game theory” for the social sciences also suffered paranoid delusions throughout his career. He was hospitalised involuntarily and had to feign sanity to be released. He still heard the voices but learned how to live with them and not to talk about them. “I wouldn’t have had such good scientific ideas if I had thought more normally” he said.silver divider between paragraphs
van gogh starry night  933x768

van gogh starry night

silver divider between paragraphsSometimes it is a matter of chance or social milieu that determines whether an individual is deemed brilliant or crazy. To the Counter-Reformation Church leaders, Galileo was not necessarily mad (probably just heretical) but they clearly failed to appreciate his genius and subjected him to a lifetime of house arrest. In other times and places Picasso and Einstein might have been committed to an insane asylum rather than revered for their original thinking.silver divider between paragraphs
moby dick - jackson pollock  826x689

moby dick – jackson pollock

silver divider between paragraphsMany lists of creative achievers throughout history have been compiled along with mental health symptoms and diagnostic categories retrospectively assigned to them. Unfortunately, these are mostly anecdotal, speculative and lacking in proper controls for comparison. Some have argued that the connection between genius and madness has been over-egged because of a few high-profile cases such as those described above.silver divider between paragraphs
virginia woolf by george charles beresford 1902

virginia woolf by george charles beresford 1902

silver divider between paragraphsThe best evidence in support of the genius-madness link comes from behaviour genetics. The close relatives of creative people are more likely to be schizophrenic and vice versa (psychotics having more creative relatives). Einstein, for example, had a son who was schizophrenic, while Bertrand Russell had many schizophrenic relatives. According to Simonton (1999), “creative hits and crazy misses” are mixed within many illustrious family pedigrees, including the Darwins, Galtons and Huxleys.silver divider between paragraphs
virginia woolf

virginia woolf

silver divider between paragraphsThe first degree relatives of creative people are actually more prone to mental disorders than creatives themselves. This is because actual illness (as opposed to its genetic predisposition) is likely to impede a creative career. The exception seems to be writers, who themselves show high rates of many behavioural disorders, including psychoses, mood disorders, substance abuse and suicide.silver divider between paragraphsvirginia-woolf 3silver divider between paragraphsCould the environment also be involved? Traumatic events in childhood and orphan status seem more common in those who make outstanding contributions to art and science. In a study of 700 high achievers, found that three-quarters had troubled childhoods, especially loss of a parent. The “school of hard knocks” could provide motivation and inspiration (Dickens and Chaplin come to mind here) while at the same time generating psychological disorder. However, this idea is opposite to the common-sense view that parental support and encouragement is beneficial to achievement, rather than maltreatment and deprivation. Indeed, the Goetzels found that wealth was more common in the backgrounds of famous people than poverty. And of course, pathology in the parents may be genetically transmitted to their children, thus accounting for some of the associations reported.silver divider between paragraphs
Virginia Woolf  1000x288

Virginia Woolf

silver divider between paragraphsSimilar thought processes, such as unusual and grandiose ideas, together with a determination to promote them, seem to link genius and psychosis. Certain neurotransmitters and gene loci have been cited as common to both, including the male sex hormone testosterone, a gene relating to a growth factor involved in neural development and plasticity called neuregulin 1 (NRG1 and genes modulating dopamine transmission in the brain, e.g., DARPP-32.silver divider between paragraphs
virginia woolf painting  1024x768

virginia woolf painting

silver divider between paragraphsUnconventional thinking is characteristic of a constitutional personality trait called Psychoticism (P). This has many facets, including tough-mindedness, lack of empathy, impulsiveness, risk-taking, adventure-seeking, bizarre thinking, and a refusal to adhere to social norms. High levels of P predispose to psychopathy and clinical psychosis, as well as to creativity, thus accounting for the overlap between them. A good deal of research over recent decades has supported this theory. A related trait is called schizotypy. An optimum number of indicators for this relates to creative achievement, rather than full-blown schizophrenia.silver divider between paragraphs
kurt cobain

kurt cobain

silver divider between paragraphsDopamine function (or dysfunction?) may account for the link between genius and madness. Dopamine is the chemical messenger in the meso-limbic and cortical areas of the brain concerned with approach, reward, positive mood and achievement-seeking. Genes that modulate dopamine levels are reported to affect novelty-seeking behaviour and to relate to Impulsivity and Psychoticism. Recreational drugs that are addictive and sometimes lead to delusions and hallucinations (e.g., amphetamine psychosis) tend to raise levels of dopamine in the brain. By contrast, anti-psychotic medications are usually dopamine antagonists (this being one of the reasons why compliance is difficult). Untreated schizophrenics have more D2 receptors in the striatum and lower D2 binding in the thalamus.silver divider between paragraphs
cobain - bipolar  659x446

kurt cobain – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsGenius and psychotic are both inclined to loose associations (i.e., “thinking outside the box”). This can be observed as unusual responses on a word association test or in some of Salvador Dali’s surreal images (e.g., the Lobster-Telephone and the Mae West Lips Sofa). Such flexibility of thought seems to be increased by dopamine.silver divider between paragraphs
beethoven - bipolar  630x630

beethoven – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsAnother description of the schizophrenic thinking style is that it tends to be over-inclusive, with the boundaries of relevance being set more broadly. To most people, an apple falling off a tree and the movement of planets in the solar system would appear to have nothing in common, but Newton was insightful enough to connect them under the grand unifying concept of “gravity.” Of course, not all such generalisations turn out to be that useful but many great scientific theories depend upon the ability to perceive improbable connections.silver divider between paragraphs
carrie fisher - bipolar 638x359

carrie fisher – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsExactly how loose associations or over-inclusive thinking promote genius is unclear. If enough crazy ideas are generated, one or two might hit the target by chance alone. This approach is deliberately harnessed in “brainstorming” sessions which use random “flashcards” as a means of generating fresh ideas. Certainly, it is difficult to be creative operating within received wisdom and some of the greatest artists and composers were the “rebels” least shackled by the traditional rules of their art. However, the “shotgun” theory smacks slightly of “monkeys on typewriters”. (It would take a long time for them come up with the complete works of Shakespeare). Outstanding advances in science, like the theories of evolution and relativity, and great works of art, such as Wagner’s Ring Cycle, cannot be generated by chance alone. Profound imagination and high-level spatial intelligence is usually required in addition.silver divider between paragraphs
bipolar behaviour  655x387

bipolar behaviour

silver divider between paragraphsApplication to the point of “work addiction” is also often involved. Edison reckoned that genius was 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.Most creative people are also the most productive. There is a positive correlation between quality and quantity of output, implying that each masterpiece is likely to be interspersed with much that is mediocre. (I do not ne)cessarily agree with this statement.)silver divider between paragraphs
marilyn monroe - bipolar 630x465

marilyn monroe – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsThe human tendency to apophenia may be implicated in both creativity and madness. This refers to seeing meaningful patterns where they do not exist and it underlies superstition and hallucinations (e.g., seeing ghosts and hearing “voices”). This perceptual style has survival value because failing to spot a predator in the forest is a bigger (potentially fatal) mistake than seeing one where it does not exist. Exaggerated apophenia is characteristic of schizotypal individuals and is enhanced by dopamine.silver divider between paragraphs
ernest hemingway - bipolar 627x590

ernest hemingway – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsAnother mental “illness” linked with creativity is bipolar mood disorder (previously called “manic-depressive psychosis”). This is characterised by extreme mood swings, occurring over a period of months, and it seems particularly to afflict artists, writers, musicians and comedians. Among highly talented people who appear to have suffered mood disorder are Peter Tchaikovsky, Robert Schumann, Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Spike Milligan, Paul Merton and Stephen Fry (who presented a TV documentary on bipolar disorder detailing his experiences).silver divider between paragraphs
winston churchill - bipolar 630x586

winston churchill – bipolar

silver divider between paragraphsGenetic analysis shows links between bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Sufferers are often tortured souls, particularly when the “Black Dog” afflicts them, and their feelings may be tapped to give greater depth and sensitivity to their art. On the other hand, the “flight of ideas” experienced in the “manic” phase of the mood cycle can result in exceptional productivity. As with the trade-off between schizophrenia and genius, bipolar disorder balances troughs with peaks in a way that might account for its evolutionary survival. Treatments are available for bipolar disorder but there is a danger that, by smoothing mood, they could impede the creative forces.silver divider between paragraphs
bipolar wheel 670x480

bipolar wheel

silver divider between paragraphsThen there are the autistic spectrum disorders (such as Asperger’s syndrome) in which a deficiency in social communication is sometimes accompanied by “savant” skills in fields like music, mathematics and spatial intelligence. In the film Rain Man (1988), Dustin Hoffman plays Raymond Babbitt an autistic whose exceptional memory is exploited by his brother to count cards in Las Vegas casinos. (This was loosely based on a real-life savant called Kim Peek, who may in fact have had a chromosome disorder). The artist Louis Wain, who became famous for his surrealistic cat paintings was hospitalised for schizophrenia, but others have argued he was actually autistic.silver divider between paragraphs
marilyn monroe poster 851x315

marilyn monroe poster

silver divider between paragraphsThese various “disorders” can all contribute to extraordinary contributions to art and science. Some tendency to psychotic traits seems to be beneficial (thus accounting for the maintenance of such genes) but too much makes the individual disorganised and is hence detrimental. It is notable that creative artists and writers have profiles similar to those of psychotic patients on clinical scales of the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) but are less extreme – in fact, roughly half-way between normal controls and full-blown schizophrenics.silver divider between paragraphs
mel gibson - bipolar 891x668

mel gibson – bipolar

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What is the mechanism whereby schizophrenic genes promote survival? The clue may be in the behaviour of bower birds, the males of which make colourful and elaborate constructions in order to attract a female (the Taj Mahals of the bird world). Creativity has also been shown to promote mating success in men, as measured by number of sex partners. Since there is no such connection for women, it is not surprising that men’s productivity in art and science exceeds that of women by around ten times.(I don’t believe this statement about men exceed women by around ten times in productivity in art and science—more like opportunity and the continued imbalance in availability and acknowledgment).silver divider between paragraphs
medical cannabis for bipolar treatment 634x633

medical cannabis for bipolar treatment

silver divider between paragraphsObviously, it does not do to be totally and permanently “away with the fairies”; some measure of control needs to be maintained. Consider James Joyce and his daughter Lucia, who was being treated by Carl Jung for schizophrenia in 1934. Joyce doubted she could be schizophrenic because her thought patterns were so similar to his own. Jung disagreed, comparing father and daughter to two people who had arrived at the bottom of a river. According to Jung, James had dived there, whereas Lucia had fallen in. silver divider between paragraphs
marilyn monroe her famous selfish quote 647x375

marilyn monroe her famous selfish quote

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Genius and madness have much in common but there are also important differences between them. Mostly these are to do with intelligence, self-insight and contact with reality. Salvador Dali said: “There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know that I am mad”. Certainly, Dali was eccentric, self-absorbed and grandiose with a flamboyant moustache and a manic stare. But he was also a skilled draftsman, who produced brilliant, imaginative artworks, which made him rich, famous and able to enjoy a life of luxury. He was not, therefore, totally mad. © Professor Glenn D Wilson 2012
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Genius or Madness? The Psychology of Creativity – Professor Glenn D. Wilson. The text is close to what is on the video but if you want to see it just click on this link.
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“Up/Down” Bipolar Disorder Documentary FULL MOVIE (2011)silver divider between paragraphsThis is a brilliantly made Documentary. Everyone who is Bipolar or knows someone who is or those in the Psychiatric profession and do counseling with anyone who is bipolar or anyone interested in bipolar and everyone who wants to have a knowledge of bipolar and find out what it is from what the myths are or how much people are misinformed about bipolar. A MUST SEE VIDEO. STOP THE STIGMA OF BIPOLAR AND ANY FORM OF MENTAL “ILLNESS” CREATIVITY.silver divider between paragraphs

Beethoven’s Ninth Symphonysilver divider between paragraphs
QUOTATIONS on GENIUS:

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ― Oscar Levant

“Genius is nothing more nor less than childhood recaptured at will.” ― Charles Baudelaire, The Painter of Modern Life and Other Essays

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle

“I’m a misunderstood genius.”
“What’s misunderstood?”
“Nobody thinks I’m a genius.”
― Bill Watterson

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” ― E.F. Schumacher

“The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Artist as Critic: Critical Writings of Oscar Wilde

“The true genius shudders at incompleteness — imperfection — and usually prefers silence to saying the something which is not everything that should be said.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Marginaliasilver divider between paragraphs
QUOTATIONS on MADNESS:

“Sanity is a madness put to good uses.” ― George Santayana, Essential Santayana, The: Selected Writings

“So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.” ― Alan Moore, Batman: The Killing Joke

“Human madness is oftentimes a cunning and most feline thing. When you think it fled, it may have but become transfigured into some still subtler form.” ― Herman Melville, Moby-Dick

“I don’t possess these thoughts I have — they possess me. I don’t possess these feelings I have — They obsess me.” ― Ashly Lorenzana

“The thoughts written on the walls of madhouses by their inmates might be worth publicizing.” ― Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

“Men have called me mad; but the question is not settled whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence — whether much that is glorious — whether all that is profound — does not spring from disease of thought — from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who only dream by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in waking, to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret. In snatches, they learn something of the wisdom which is of good, and more of the mere knowledge which is of evil. They penetrate, however rudderless or compassless, into the vast ocean of the ‘light ineffable’.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Eleonora silver divider between paragraphs
QUOTATIONS on BIPOLAR:

“I’m the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible…” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Compared to bipolar’s magic, reality seems a raw deal. It’s not just the boredom that makes recovery so difficult, it’s the slow dawning pain that comes with sanity – the realization of illnesss, the humiliating scenes, the blown money and friendships and confidence. Depression seems almost inevitable. The pendulum swings back from transcendence in shards, a bloody, dangerous mess. Crazy high is better than crazy low. So we gamble, dump the pills, and stick it to the control freaks and doctors. They don’t understand, we say. They just don’t get it. They’ll never be artists.” ― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

“Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It’s fun and it’s frightening as hell. Some patients – bipolar type I – experience both extremes; other – bipolar type II – suffer depression almost exclusively. But the “mixed state,” the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression’s paranoid self-loathing.” ― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

“Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

“Except you cannot outrun insanity, anymore than you can outrun your own shadow.” ― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, live your vision ” ― George Denslow, Living Out of Darkness: A Personal Journey of Embracing the Bipolar Opportunitysilver divider between paragraphs

Teen Suicides - I wish I had a real answer

Reblogged from Vampire Maman:

It is sad that my 13 year old daughter talked about suicides for about a half hour last night. She wouldn’t shut up about it but then again, she needed to talk about it. But what was scary was how she was so matter of fact about it. But she was also passionate and angry about it.

This isn't the first time she talked about it.

Read more… 859 more words

bully film posterBullying is an issue everyone, whether you have children or not, should be concerned with and should be upset about. This post that Vampire Maman wrote brought up many important points that need to be addressed immediately. Bullying should not be tolerated or allowed to exist in our school systems. Go to her site and read the complete post. Join in the non-violent fight of stopping this HORRIBLY SAD situation, where children think that suicide is the only answer to ending the pain of bullying. Stopping the Bullies is the answer and coming to the aid of those who need help. Tell them it will be alright. Help stop their pain by stopping the torture and stopping teen suicide because of it. "Teen Suicides - I wish I had a real answer" written by Vampire Maman *******I have the film "Bully" but I haven't watched it yet. My therapist thought it would be too triggering. Someday soon I am going to see it. (She gave me her approval today to watch this as long as I do some Art Work while watching to de-stress me. *******The young man in the film, I have heard who was mercilessly bullied, now has come out of his shell because of the film. He has lots of friends. He is a success story. *******Far too many teens have taken the road to commit suicide. It is far too painful and the bullies are far too merciless. *******I understand the effects of bullying. I was in music, marching band, orchestra, theatre, sports, and other activities that drew unwanted attention to myself. I didn't fit in anywhere, and I was also extremely shy. But when I was in school the bullying wasn't what it is today. Suicide wasn't the first solution. I don't remember anyone succeeding or attempting suicide. But I may have just blocked it all out. I know that I did think about it. I even did try to commit suicide because of the pain inside of me.But I realized that suicide wasn't the answer. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. *******It seems that today, it is the first resort to ending the pain. Like you, I don't know the answers. If you tell on the bullies, you are considered a snitch, and it makes the bullying worse. I think you are right , there should be a no tolerance rule on bullying. You bully kids you are out of that school. Try a little home schooling on the bullies. Let the other kids live in peace. ******* I suppose, if I were a student today, I might or rather I would be one of the at risk kids to commit suicide. I know from the way I felt at that age, I would not be able to take the kind of torture they are handing out today. *******I think maybe it is time for me to watch the film "Bully." It is one of the top issues I try to focus on and I try to talk about on the secret keeper, but I haven't done it recently. I have an avatar of purple lightning on FB that I vowed I would not replace until bullying was brought under control and stopped. *******It is time to watch the film, review it and to talk about it. *******Vampire Maman, your post is great. Something I needed to read right now. Thank you for bringing up the issue to help people become more aware. There does need to be a constant awareness bringing "Bullying" to everyone's attention. We need to be continually reminded that the issue exists. *******It is curious that I happened to be talking to my partner Shawn about this just this past week. I wondered where was our copy of "Bully." I told her about the boy I mentioned above. I lost my point. Until I remember, I would like to say that I think the point of Vampire Maman's of giving strong support to the weaker kids is a brilliant idea. All kids should get involved. *******I remember. It was about one of the authority figures on a film clip I had viewed, who was from the school where the film "Bully" took place. She said, that "she has ridden the bus in question," (she is talking to some parents,) "and the kids were nothing but behaved. There wasn't any problem here, that she saw." Well, she sounds like a real idiot. Does she really think those kids, especially the bullies, are going to act out while she is present. How stupid is she. This is the mentality kids and parents are dealing with, because they don't see it, it isn't happening. They would rather not see reality, that way they don't have to do anything about it, or feel responsible for the bullying happening. Who knows maybe some of them were bullies themselves and feel, "well, isn't that too bad. why don't they stop whining and just suck it up." *******Something has too happen in the schools. Bullying should be tantamount to abuse on many levels and should not be tolerated and should be prosecuted. It's plain out and out torture. *******Since when is it ok to torture kids. It's like one level below domestic violence, which once upon a time was ignored, and not considered significant enough for the police to do anything about it, until someone was usually killed. *******I am going to reblog this, and later today I'm going to try to find our copy of the film "Bully" and watch it. *******Sometime this week, if I am able, I am going to write a review of the film "Bully". But if not this week I will do it as soon as I am able to. It will be soon, I promise you that. jk the secret keeper. ps. A Great Post Vampire Maman. jk the secret keeper *******STOP BULLYING NOW---*******STOP TEEN SUICIDE NOW---*******SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER---*******IT IS ONLY AN ALL TOO PERMANENT ANSWER FOR A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.

Haiku “Intimacy”

Haiku “Intimacy”
By Jennifer Kiley
Abstract Digital Art by j. kliey
Created 03.23.13
Posted 03.23.13

reflections of things past by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

reflections of things past by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

shattered time - unknown artist

shattered time – unknown artist

haiku intimacy

source: whimsieandmusin on tumblr

source: whimsieandmusin on tumblr

future creations inspired by past by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

future creations inspired by past by j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Westlife — Unbreakable (lyrics)

Whitney Houston — Your Love Is My Love

QUOTATIONS on INTIMACY:

“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone – and finding that that’s ok with them.” ― Alain de Botton

“The opposite of Loneliness is not Togetherness , It’s Intimacy” ― Richard Bach

“Even so, there were times I saw freshness and beauty. I could smell the air, and I really loved rock ‘n’ roll. Tears were warm, and girls were beautiful, like dreams. I liked movie theaters, the darkness and intimacy, and I liked the deep, sad summer nights.” ― Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

“It’s funny; in this era of e-mail and voice mail and all those things that even I did not grow up with, a plain old paper letter takes on amazing intimacy.” ― Elizabeth Kostova, The Swan Thieves

“This is what intimacy does to us over time. That’s what a long marriage can do: It causes us to inherit and trade each other’s stories.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

“My skin will never work like that again, so aware of the other person that I’m unsure where she ends and I begin. Never again. Never again will my skin be a thing that can so perfectly communicate; in losing my skin to the fire, I also lost the opportunity to make it disappear with another person.” ― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle

“Real intimacy is a sacred experience. It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture. Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved.” ― John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

“In every friendship hearts grow and entwine themselves together, so that the two hearts seem to make only one heart with only a common thought. That is why separation is so painful; it is not so much two hearts separating, but one being torn asunder.” ― Fulton J. Sheen

“Can the purpose of a relationship be to trigger our wounds? In a way, yes, because that is how healing happens; darkness must be exposed before it can be transformed. The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go. It takes strength of character to truly delve into the mystery of an intimate relationship, because it takes the strength to endure a kind of psychic surgery, an emotional and psychological and even spiritual initiation into the higher Self. Only then can we know an enchantment that lasts.” ― Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power Of Intimate Relationships

“Physical intimacy isn’t and can never be an effective substitute for emotional intimacy.”
― John Green

“Mystical experiences do not necessarily supply new ideas to the mind, rather, they transform what one believes into what one knows, converting abstract concepts, such as divine love, into vivid, personal, realities.” ― R.M. Jones

When Bipolar: Experiencing Depression

When Bipolar: Experiencing Depression
Part 2
Written by Jennifer Kiley
Abstract Digital Art by j. kiley
Posted on 03.11.13

awe-some

I am addicted to film. They are a way of working with depression. I lose myself in films as long as I am able to absorb myself in what I am watching. As of late, I have been having difficulty keeping my attention on anything that I do except when I am working on my creative writing or working on my art work or while reading or doing research all related to the creative work that I am doing.

I hope this is helpful as an inspiration to help entertain & help while feeling depressed. Looking for a way to help release the emotional pain that depression brings on can feel unbearable & leads one many times into a state of depression that carry with it the depths of darkness where suicidal feelings lay in wait to be awakened by the slightest trigger. Once the suicidal thoughts & feelings come to the surface it is most difficult to process or find relief from their destructive nature.

With depression & suicidal thoughts, one needs to learn a method to work through the sensations that are extremely painful or numbing & can make one feel so desperate that death feels like the only answer to eliminating the overwhelming intensity of pain. There is an increasing level of thought that goes through the mind that feels like the devil is sitting on one shoulder and an angel sitting on the other. What choice should you make? It seems often that to kill one’s self pulls at your attention the strongest. You try to think about the ones that you love & would hurt if you killed yourself. But the state of your mind doesn’t always feel that it would matter that much if you were gone. You would miss their love as well as your loving them. Certain people you would feel more of a loss and it hurts you that the love you felt would turn into pain but it isn’t always strong enough to hold you here, Your animals would come to mind & you know there are certain ones that would be lost without you. No one else would understand them or be able to love them the way that you are able to. You would feel awful leaving them alone. Somehow your senses are being pulled so hard to harm yourself. You just want to die. You just can’t feel the way you do any longer, no matter who you were leaving behind.

awe-some green

I let these thoughts & feelings go through me & I experience them all. I write poetry & other writing, like letters to particular people I feel will understand, But often I don’t turn to anyone. When I feel that depressed that I want to die is when I am least able to reach out to anyone. So many times I have tried to call a chat-line for people who want to kill themselves but I have only gotten as far as almost pushing the button but I can never do it. Even calling my psychotherapist is extremely difficult. I go back & forth as to whether I will call her to speak or leave a voicemail. It is hard for me to ask for help when I am feeling that deeply into a depression.

Eventually, the mood is released & I am pulling out of the nose dive & starting to come up again. The feelings of craziness starts to subside. I always feel like I have done something wrong for feeling those feelings. It is the same when I am at the other end of the cycle. When in a manic phase I actually feel crazier when I am excited than when I am wanting to commit suicide. At least when I want to die I am extremely subdued but when I am manic, I act out & I know that I get so wound up that I sound in my own head like I am as mad as the hatter but I cannot help my behavior. I am just a bit off my nut. I get the feeling of whimsy and get extremely poetic. That is when I actually feel like I am getting myself into more trouble & I am causing those I love to think I am more crazy when I am high than when I am depressed & want to die. Either end of the mood cycle I would say that I am a bit off of what is good for me mentally & emotionally. The extremes take me out of my safe zones where I feel I have any control. And control is extremely important to me. I do not like losing it at all. I am afraid to be too real. It may feel real & real may feel connected but it scares the hell out of me to think or feel I may be out of control in any way. Even though, I must admit, when I am free, I feel good in the sense that I am alive whether high on a mania or low in a depression & want to kill myself. At least, I am doing something with my life rather than subduing all the elements that make me act like I am being a human animal with all the thoughts & feelings of being alive & real & being who I really am.

fields of green

When I am feeling depressed, the things that I choose to come in contact with are usually sad. The movies I watch, art I view, drawings I sketch, poems I write, and music I listen to are all depressing and – at times dark. My therapist wants me to laugh but I want to listen to music that makes me feel what I feel inside. If I am depressed I want to watch a film that is sad or listen to music that is filled with pain or longing. I love the group Evanescence & their song “My Immortal”… It’s about grief and loss. While listening to the song, I feel what the song feels. I listen to a great deal of emotionally raw music b/c I feel connected to it. I love Whitney Houston & I cannot go a day without listening to something that she sings. It seems I am always finding new songs that she recorded that I for some reason have never heard. It makes me feel like she’s still there with me. I just feel really attached to her. Felt that way from the first moment I heard her sing “Greatest Love of All” many years ago before I had any idea who she was. I fell in love with her voice and her. I’ve never stopped caring about her and loving her.

musical waves

It makes sense to me to want to hear her music. It brings me closer to her. I can feel her with me. That may sound crazy but I need to feel those feelings. Someone wrote that they needed to fully embrace the experience of the depression & the sadness, It brings it to the surface & I feel the fullness of the feelings. I just can’t let those feelings go. The depression comes on me and so does wanting to die. I have to accept that those feelings exist. I, also, have to accept that I do get high on the feelings of the mania. I have all this energy. I am working on both ends of the spectrum and on the middle ground too. It’s a slow process but I am working on it. I need some help. I need my therapist and I need to be able to express what I feel. Most of all I need to know from those people I love that it is okay to be me. To not feel I have to hide what or who I am & to not fear expressing my feelings. I am working on trying to do the good things that will help me with all these mood changes. Maybe someday I will find level ground. I know I don’t want to lose who I am. I need to create. That I can never allow anyone to take away from me ever again. No more messing with my mind, my body, my feelings, which means my heart and my soul. jk the secret keeper

Evanescence — My Immortal

Quotations on Depression:

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss

“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That’s the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.” ― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” ― David Foster Wallace

“Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don’t believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it’s good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.” ― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

“Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

“If I can’t feel, if I can’t move, if I can’t think, and I can’t care, then what conceivable point is there in living?” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” ― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

“Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint-it’s a physical thing, like it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.” ― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

“The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. … The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. … Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one. ” ― Goldie Hawn

“Choking with dry tears and raging, raging, raging at the absolute indifference of nature and the world to the death of love, the death of hope and the death of beauty, I remember sitting on the end of my bed, collecting these pills and capsules together and wondering why, why when I felt I had so much to offer, so much love, such outpourings of love and energy to spend on the world, I was incapable of being offered love, giving it or summoning the energy with which I knew I could transform myself and everything around me.” ― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” ― Sally Brampton, Shoot The Damn Dog: A Memoir Of Depression

What Is Real ?

What Is Real?
Created by Jennifer Kiley
©transgraphics by j. kiley
Created 02.12.13
Posted 02..13

Quel est vrai dans l’esprit? par j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Beatles–In My Life

“One person’s craziness is another person’s reality.”
― Tim Burton

“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.”
― John Lennon

“Nothing is real.”
― John Lennon, Beatles Lyrics

“It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truthless ideal which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded. It looks as if they were victims of a conspiracy; for the books they read, ideal by the necessity of selection, and the conversation of their elders, who look back upon the past through a rosy haze of forgetfulness, prepare them for an unreal life. They must discover for themselves that all they have read and all they have been told are lies, lies, lies; and each discovery is another nail driven into the body on the cross of life.” ― W. Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

“A friend is someone whose face you can see in the dark.”― Frances O’Roark Dowell, The Secret Language of Girls

“Fiction is written with reality and reality is written with fiction. We can write fiction because there is reality and we can write reality because there is fiction; everything we consider today to be myth and legend, our ancestors believed to be history and everything in our history includes myths and legends. Before the splendid modern-day mind was formed our cultures and civilizations were conceived in the wombs of, and born of, what we identify today as “fiction, unreality, myth, legend, fantasy, folklore, imaginations, fabrications and tall tales.” And in our suddenly realized glory of all our modern-day “advancements” we somehow fail to ask ourselves the question “Who designated myths and legends as unreality? ” But I ask myself this question because who decided that he was spectacular enough to stand up and say to our ancestors “You were all stupid and disillusioned and imagining things” and then why did we all decide to believe this person? There are many realities not just one. There is a truth that goes far beyond what we are told today to believe in. And we find that truth when we are brave enough to break away from what keeps everybody else feeling comfortable. Your reality is what you believe in. And nobody should be able to tell you to believe otherwise.” ― C. JoyBell C.

haiku: “relentless”

haiku “relentless”
haiku by jennifer kiley
©transgraphics by j. kiley
01.12.13
Challenge Haiku &/or Piku—Haiku-day #1
Next Time Day #2 Piku

lumière du soleil de papillon par j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

Bette Midler-The Rose

i like the way it hurts

i like the way it hurts
poem by jennifer kiley
©transgraphics by j. kiley
posted 01.10.13
challenge: line from song: #2
guess song title and singer(s)

casser sur passé à l’autre côté par j. kiley © jennifer kiley 2013

i like the way it hurts
by jennifer kiley

i like the way it hurts
the depth of depression
the numbness of the blood
leave open the pain
blood letting
does still release demons
or awaken them to the feast
they plant the thoughts
the actions are a natural
progression of self-worth
and self-hatred
its companion
the longer i let it touch me
the deeper are the wounds

it hurts with pleasure
usually it’s all that’s possible
what i feel is the pain
releases the blood
drains the pain away
the numbness sets in
the anger the rage the pain
decreases and releases
the consciousness is leaving
all washes away
all feelings that hold me down
i’m floating on air
the heaviness evaporates
what holds the reasons
to stay are reasoned away

leaving behind what i hurt
their lives will continue
better without me near or here
missing will fade away in time
my spirit will serve
those i love
who love me
better as a memory
apologizing for any pain
i will guide
as i am allowed
but as a spirit
it is all
i am qualified to be
maybe a muse
i will work up to be
or a guardian angel
will be better than me
who am i now
lost in the daze
of a bipolar mystery
and bruised memories
that have beaten me down
where there is just no energy
left inside of me to survive

© jennifer kiley 2013

love the way you lie-rihanna & eminem

line from song: “i like the way it hurts”
song: “love the way you lie” singer: rihanna rap: eminem

Want To Know Why? #5

Want To Know Why?
By Jennifer Kiley
11.04.12
Month of the Verse-30 days 30 verses #5

black-purple butterflies by lockjavv

Want to know why?
By jennifer kiley
11.04.12

want to know why?
the story does need telling
keeping secrets
the quietist part
of being a silent kid

things happened
always happening
running away
a regular activity
hiding was a trick
not possible enough

sleep had to come
night had to fade
darkness had to fall
rules of bedtime the same
learning how to play the game

lying there waiting
eyes open
mind racing
hearing the fights
tonight’s the night
someone was sure to die

this night for sure
laying there quiet
body tensing
feeling fear building
felt time repeating
always in the night
an abuser walked in
he came to her bedroom
she should have been sleeping
he should be upstairs
but he was in her room
he came there for her

she wasn’t able to speak
saying please “do not touch me”
no-she was silent-pretending
eyes closed-make believe she’s asleep
fear made her disappear
his prisoner from that night on
no protector-no soul
could sense out her pain
silently echoing inside of her brain

overwhelmed with confusion
her mind couldn’t grasp it
the words she should speak
blocked deep in her throat
and so she stayed quiet
the kid never spoke
her voice thought out loud
inside her head the long conversations
that were never said ever out loud

sometimes she could hear them
her thoughts were her own
whispering-they kept whispering
run away far from home
from sounds of them yelling
the brothers complaining
the mother believing
the lies they had told

it mattered very little
the mother was looking
for ways to blame her
for things that went wrong
the off things
the broken things
off balanced things
no difference at all
it wasn’t her fault
I think the mother knew
it wasn’t about blame
it was more about shame
and dominating all the same

making any sense
out of punishment
in her awakening
what was the reason
anyone would do her harm
it didn’t really matter
not then-no one believed her
all the wrongs would come true

her childhood was broken
so when something was wrong
the fault was her claim
it was the way it was to be
always her-in the contradiction
all reversed-upside down
it just meant one thing only
one more word that would stand out
it’s time for her she knew
another punishment go round

not thought out but calculated
carried out with great force
a passionate wild animal frenzy
hatred expressed in the most brutal form
a physical lashing-devices all chosen
with great deliberations and variations

every time this would happen
a cornered animal she became
turned wild and quite maddening
a dangerous panther she was the same
approached by the mad woman
all wild with her lashings
the more vigorous and continuous
the whippings wanting her tame
but you can’t tame a wild thing
no matter how hard you try
she’ll fight you-she’ll scratch you
till it’s both eye to eye

relentlessness-no compassion
no tears-not a sob-or crying
no sound could be heard
emotions were forbidden
even though more wrath came to bare
the punishment upgraded
pain levels increased
clothing was torn off
the whip struck flesh harder
burning welts on the body
blood spread satisfaction
how sadistic the jailer
a needed reward
subduing the victim
with mandatory silence
then punishment will cease
momentarily only
one sound broke that scheme

victim sent off to her bedroom
silence must always remain
or be forcibly maintained
tears and crying into her pillow
made way too much noise
not a sign of submission
the mother made sure
outside her door
mother listened and waited
when sound it was heard
time to enter mother’s baited

as the torturer returned
the back she exposed
her bottom and legs
she laid them bare
to the sight of the whipping
it resumed with no end
except silence would break it
or the pain of the whipping
would just begin again
until silence was settled
at last guaranteed

phase three was the most awful
humiliating completion of all
of this torturous ritual
the victim must fall
she must grovel in the doorway
of the sadist’s closed door
her voice must be
filled with contrition
with pleas for forgiveness
while the door remained closed
it never ever opened
it was part of the game
soundlessness came from inside
the victim crumbled from pain
and humbled humiliation
pleading she was so sorry
calling out her “mom’s” name
always wanting forgiveness
that never ever came

no matter how many times
this ritual was enacted
the door remained closed
the sound never came
the sadist’s coldness was always the same
in that room it was soundless
and froze out the girl
all of her that remained

to be forgiven
to be accepted
to be loved
by the monster
who possessed what wasn’t human
where a mother should have been
with loves unacceptance
and forgiveness denied
the girl went on living
a tortured soul lived inside
and all that she wanted
and asked for in kind
that her mother forgive her
but no forgiveness would come
not then and not ever
not this time
not next time
at no time
it never would come

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

Concrete Angel-Martina McBride

Bipolar—Marijuana—Relaxation—Meditation

Bipolar—Marijuana—Relaxation—Meditation
By Jennifer Kiley
10.30.12

Energy flowing through the seven chakras in no partiular order

I have mixed among my writing this post videos that I have worked with in the past while I meditated. I hope you will give them a try to see if they might help. They did help me, maybe they will do the same for some of you.

It just may be time to reconsider my lack of using meditation as a means of relaxation and bringing my bipolar moods under some kind of acceptable control where I would be more able to level them out a bit more evenly. A fellow blogger brought my attention to his own attempts at mediating which drew me to a post I did a while back. I posted several videos of meditation related chanting and relaxing music and natures sounds that once helped me to relax so well that i would often fall into a semi-consciousness and eventually into a state of the most deep and renewing sleep. I needed to meditate at that time to bring down my high level of feeling so stressed out that I needed far too many toxic psych meds I have since removed from my collection of medications that I take regularly. No more psych meds with the one exception of one for anxiety and panic.

No Mind – Piano – Paul Collier

Now in my life I have extended to a great degreee all of the activities in which I am involved. I need to destress or get more sleep. I often forget to sleep, eat or take my health meds. Bipolar highs and lows can lead one to forget to take proper care and attention to some of the rather important necessities of ones life.

Chanting Om II – Splendour of Yoga

I have retrieved some of the material from this post on Meditation and Contemplation to help me and any others who might be interested in revisiting this type of interest in order to relax and release the tensions of their lives on a moderate to regular or daily basis.

Chanting Om II – Meditation Music

It is time to remember and to be inspired if I want to reconnect and start to write more thoroughly on my many projects: a screenplay, my poetry, a resurrected novel, a memoir of a period in my life I am exploring for the profound effect it had on me in a metaphysical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual way, and to return to my activities around the visual arts of photography and short film making. The need in me to do photography has been speaking to me from out of my dreams. The choice was either to paint or to take photographs. Photography has been in my mind for quite a while. I, also, want to return to the creating of collages. They inspire me immensely.

Chanting OM by MUSIC FOR DEEP MEDITATION

All of this has to do with reconnecting with my memories through feelings and thoughts that are buried within me. I want to retreive from my subconscous and unconscious all that is hidden from my conscious awareness, so that I might be of assistance to my muse while I work on my screenplay that relates in many ways to the experiences that have touched my life in a most profound way. In other words, I want to exorcise some demons and clearly understand what I feel and think about a particular decision that I intend to make at some point in my near future. In my screenplay, the answer is revealed to me, but I want to write the story out to see if that really is the intended conclusion.

Chanting Om II – Meditation on the 7 Chakras

Hopefully, they will work in centering me before I colaborate with my muse as we work together. The videos inspired me or caused me to relax or meditate most easily and the tension melted away on most occasions.

No Mind – Gentle Piano Meditation Music

These are all videos I’ve listened to while letting my mind settle down as I was going into a state of meditation. Thoughts would travel through my mind but I would just try not to attach myself to any of them. Just let them go. When I felt my self drifting back to engage in my thinking I would start to listen to my breathing as it guided me back on track to the goal of letting go of my thoughts and emotions and drift into a place where I was free from this space we call reality.

Air – Paul Collier – Relaxing Music

I worked on letting go of the sensations of my body that distracted me. I just kept letting go. Whenever I returned to this reality I would work on my breathing again and let that be my focus. Eventually, without realizing it I was not with my body and mind i had floated onto a different plane of consciousness that I was not aware of. It was more like being set free from all physical connections of the body and mind.

Slow Down – Paul Collier

These are very soothing videos to work with to bring one into a state of relaxation so that you are able to let go into your meditation. The contemplation was the act of meditation. A focusing on one thing so that all else slid away. In this instance I contemplated on meditating so that all of the world slipped into another realm away from that which I was actively seeking to find so that I could also let that pass away from my awareness. Some call this attainment Nirvana. Sometimes reachable but also elusive like a butterfly. Sometimes the relaxation of the meditation dropped me off into such a relaxed state I actually drifted into a deep and restful sleep. Which is a perfectly fine end to the crescendo of meditation.

Sounds of Rain and Thunder on the River

My goal this time in meditating is to work on bringing my bipolar under a reasonable level of control. I will not take the toxic medications that are prescribed today. If someday the government changes its mind and allows marijuana to be used with all of its medicinal properties, one of which is in assisting bipolar treatments and a plethera of other treatments. I would consider using a medication such as medicinal marijuana for the treatment of my mood swings and racing thoughts, my highs and lows, my delusions which make me think what I sometimes perceive a situation as real, when in the true reality of the perception, it is not at all the way the delusional part of my mind sees it.

Smoothing Meditation Music – Paul Collier

I am actually getting better at stepping out of the delusiosn while they are occurring and see them from another part of my mind for what they truly are, a total misperception of all the stimuli that is being presented to me and mixing them all up into a distorted view of what does not exist. Reality is usually expected of us to live in this world in order to be accepted. If one allows delusions to rule what we perceive we are more then likely going to fuck up relationships because we will doubt our partner or friends and feel they are hurting us when in truth, what we think is happening is not at all what is really happening. Now sometimes what is happening is exactly the way we perceive it, but when we are in a state of delusion we can never really be sure.

No Mind – Piano – Paul Collier

That is why I feel the government needs to allow bipolars access to marijuana to use in their treatment of bipolar and all other ailments that it can be used to treat. My own doctor is trying to help me to work with the government in my state to try to push this issue forward. She actually can see the benefits of marijuana for my treatments for bipolar, chronic pain, anxieties and all sorts of other physical and psychological issues that I am dealing with.

Self Esteem Affirmations with Music – Paul Collier

So for now meditation and psychotherapy may be the only thing I can use to help myself with the bipolar and then the various doctors I see for specialty treatments. Plus my friends, family and partner, who are there as part of my support system and I am part of theirs, also, quite willingly. J.K. the secret keeper…I hope these are of help in some way for some people who would just like to listen to something that might just be a sound they just might enjoy kicking back and listening to. Namaste!

Relaxing Rain on a Metal Roof – 1 hour

Speaketh Not the Truth or Die

Speaketh Not the Truth or Die
By Jennifer Kiley
10.23.12

burning bright tiger

Speaketh Not the Truth or Die
By Jennifer Kiley
10.23.12

what do i say
when it is long past over
how could she not know
i am gone
i am a new person
i left her lies behind
the ones that tried to destroy
my relationship with the woman
i have loved
practically forever

she thought i would never
discover the truth
that i would always be too afraid
to check out the truth
i will not answer her
she doesn’t write to me
she writes to the other
who fronted for me
all these many years
under the parents’ name

she is toxic to me
i need to speak to my therapist
to straighten this all out
to use a go between not my partner
but a mediator go speak for me
and close this chapter completely
i will not be guilted backwards
into opening any doors to let her in
she is out of my life for good

the person she tried to ruin
is no more
she closed those doors
for good
nothing passes that corridor again
it is closed permanently

we’ll see what
my therapist has to say
she will probably say to stay away
a close friend warned to beware
my therapist told me she lied
could not trust her
she’d hurt me at the end
even my partner told me
that she lied
she said she is mentally ill
and she knows not
what she has done

there is no way she could
ever have known the woman
she accused
she knows so little of her
that is the truth
nothing happened
no affair
let’s clear the air
she lied to you
i don’t know why
the reason makes no sense
it was all a lie
throwing it in my face
except she did it over the phone
doing me a favor
she felt i should know

i unfriended her before the lie
was discovered to be what
it turned out to be
a made up drama to make me
do what?
withdraw even more
make my partner more
available to her
what game was she playing
and why after all this time
is she writing an email to me

to find out just what is wrong
she can’t find me anywhere
because what’s she’s looking for
is no longer there nowhere
for legality her name exists
but in all other things
she no longer lives

why is she trying to confuse
my conscience
she is toxic for me
she betrayed me
she is too negative
i cannot allow
her back in
i don’t want her back in
she doesn’t get me
my behavior tells me
louder than my mind
i don’ t want her in my life

i analyze and feel
to people i want to be kind
not so with this ex-friend
she tears people apart
we can’t be friends
i shake inside when we would talk
i couldn’t turn to her
when i was in pain
even though i had lost
my best friend
she died so young
if at that time i wouldn’t
turn to her
then when would a good time be

it’s shouting out to me
loud and clear
i don’t want her in my life
not ever or anymore
who am i kidding
what transpired between us
some kvetching and angst
and just talking smack
how deep did the feelings go
did they ever go deep
did i depend upon her
to help me when i was in pain
i don’t think so
i think it was all
tearing people down
what or who gets
satisfaction from that

she spoke down on my partner
i think she’s basically negative
she’s not good for me
and that isn’t about to change
she treats everyone with contempt
that’s not how i want to be
when i’d had the shakes
while and after talking to her
she reminded me when i last
really spoke to my sister
about my abuse
the one when my oldest brother
abused me for years
after he started
he gave me snuff porn
a woman being mutilated
like jack the ripper would
have done
he gave me this when i was ten
what did he think it would do
nightmares only followed
when i was able to sleep
he’d enter my room
in the middle of the night

he continued to abuse me
until one night
a voice from inside
spoke in a quiet sound
she found the courage
to finally say no
please stop what you’re doing
and never again
but sadly to say
that was nowhere
near the end

another abuser
took his place
a friend of my father’s
a gift from my father to him
it was the first time
i was forcibly raped
it was painful
it was humiliating
my father forced me to go
no matter my pleading
my father nor his friend
just wouldn’t accept
the word no

it was only the beginning
of the next level
for my nightmares
i was forced to remain silent
or all would be quite dead

i kept my silence for years
i was abused on all sides
my mother she beat me
my father he pimped me
his friends they would rape me
and i had to remain silent
while i walked inside a shadow
waiting for it to all end

so these are the thoughts
this ex-friend evokes in me
i’d say that she’s dangerous
if i feel overwhelmed
by such horrible memories

not everyone is meant
to be forever in your life
and someone i once trusted
who betrayed me in the end
is not someone
you want in your life

when it causes feelings
of the nightmare to begin again
a definite trigger bad for my soul
my heart it can’t take it
if i’m ever going to become whole
there are good people i love
who are now in my life
who are supportive
and on my side
and wouldn’t pull
the shit that she pulled
they respect my real feelings
they know boundaries
they’re not negative drainers
like vampires sucking my blood
i lose all my energy with her

but not so with them
i feel warm and energized
emotional feelings that
affect me with tears
not hands that are shaking
like feeling traumatized
by the years of negativity

i want accomplished
creativity in my life
producing and connecting
letting new good people
into my life
i have learned
the true meaning of love
i want to give more than take

she sucks me dry with her presence
must let her go to feel safe
so i will talk to my therapist
and speak with my friends
and work more on my life
in the way i want it to be
until my time comes to an end
but for now she is gone
it’s all matter of how
do I put her with evil comments
in the vault
I don’t want to speak to her
nor write to her
nothing at all
do I want
to have anything
to do with her

i am too good or kind
i don’t find this kind of thing
easy to decide
but it has to remain the end
or it will be the end
of letting my abuse go
so I can be set free
once and for all
time it is to let go
you’re in another life now
live it not then
you’ve got to let the past
stay in the past
and this is a trial
you are being tested
how strong are you
can you let go
you have already
you just have to
remember
it is over
now
write that
screenplay
start a new beginning
with that
soon there will be more
new beginnings
they’re always are
so go for it
live your life
not anyone else’s
now smile
are you ready
for your close up?

© Jennifer Kiley 2012

Phillip Phillips-Home